Pain, pain, pain

I am thankful I can feel, I am thankful I can feel, I am thankful I can feel.

I'm just trying to remind myself that this will be the result ...



Or. If I'm lucky it'll be this ...



Actually, either way I'll be happy!

Sinking Heart

I just got news yesterday from a friend of mine that made my heart sink all the way down to my feet.

Do you ever get news like that? You know, that just feels like it knocks the wind out of ya.

First of all my friend is not one of those people I'd really ever phone up on the phone, she's someone I go out for lunch with usually around 3 times a year, with her mom. We've known each other pretty much all of our lives but didn't really become 'lunch buddies' until a few years ago when our mutual 'adopted' neighbourly grandmother got ill and passed away. Ever since then we've remained in contact, sort of in her memory.

We do e-mail now and then just to see how the other is doing. Her husband started a career in real estate a few years ago and he sold our house for us. I played the piano at her wedding and I will go to her baby shower. And of course they were/are invited to our party.

I had e-mailed her this past week as it was March Break and that's the regular time that we meet up (as she's a school teacher and my schedule really did go around the school year with my teaching as well). It was last minute so I figured we wouldn't be able to make a date but thought I'd try anyway. The response I received back from her astounded me...

She apologized for not being able to fit in a last minute lunch date as she had already committed to several things on her week off. I completely understood. She then went on to say that she had 4 weeks left of her pregnancy and that things weren't great at their house.

I went on to read that she had just found out that week that her husband had been having an affair with another woman for the past few months.

This is the point in which my heart plummeted to my toes.

An immediate ache came to my chest and I gasped. Muttered a few words of disbelief and just stared at the words on the screen.

I have not e-mailed her back as I could tell by how she typed her e-mail she was in shock. It was very 'matter of fact' and obviously very fresh. Besides what are the perfect words for someone who is 8 months pregnant and just found out her husband had an affair?

Oh yes and there's one more fact I forgot to add: My friend and her husband had a miscarriage three years ago soon after trying to start a family. This was her first pregnancy so as you can imagine it ignited many fears within her about being able to have more children. It then took another 2 1/2 years before she was able to get pregnant again with the baby she is now carrying.

Though every time I hear about a situation like this I tell myself 'wow! you never know!' that feeling soon fades and is replaced by feelings of security and immunity to the dreaded 'we're separated' plague that seems to rear it's ugly head.

I have to admit that this hit me even harder yesterday as Wally and I have been having a particularly challenging time with one another lately. I'd be lying if I denied that I have dreamed now and then about what it would be like to be able to pursue life single.

It's so easy to get carried away in whatever you are doing or chasing. For me a new job, planning a party, and trying to stay on top of life at home. For Wally getting used to a new job as well, doing a website every spare second to pay for this party, and adapting to his ever changing wife you wants to experience every little thing that pops up in life and who rarely wants to wait for him to catch up.

Last night as we laid in bed and briefly discussed my friend's heartbreaking dilemma (to put it lightly). I asked Wally if he ever worried that we would break up. Now I have to be honest again. We discuss this every now and then at a very honest level. We are not the types to deny our humanity in the name of our faith and say things like 'this will never happen to us'. We believe the moment you put yourself in a place (at least in your mind) of being better than everyone else, or immune to human problems you are most susceptible.

I was assuming he would say 'Yes I worry about it sometimes ...' and I thought he may bring up my ever on going need to run around to and fro. Then he would finish with 'But I know we keep working on things and talk to eachother and as long as we do that we'll be fine.'

Instead his response was 'Yes. All of the time.' He may have even had an 'everyday' in there because the way he said it would've knocked me down had I not already been laying in bed.

I was shocked and of course grilled him a bit but I could not change his answer nor did he care to defend himself. This was followed by silence that told me he did not want to talk further about it - flags of the red persuasion were flying high.

This whole thing reminds me of how incredibly fragile marriage is and how something that once seemed strong and invincible can grow frail quickly when you are not paying attention.

It seems like just when life seems to be going ok something pops up to remind you that great things don't happen on their own. When you see a couple that's been married for 50 years they weren't immune to life's challenges, they grew through them. It does not mean they did not face infidelity, separation perhaps at some point, misunderstanding, broken hearts, grief, broken dreams, financial hardship or illness. It means they worked through them one by one not denying they existed but rather looking at them and being real about what they were feeling.

I find the hardest thing about life and about marriage is that no matter what you've gone through, unless you are dead, the lessons you've learned will be tested again and sometimes again. You are never done.

That's so frustrating especially if you only 'barely passed' the last test on it.

Right now Wally and I have some work to do. Some understanding that needs to happen. Because though we may change from the people we once were and even in some aspects what we believe. I know beyond a doubt that whether I stay with him or leave I will not find a better mate for me at this time in my life. Not because he's the perfect 'one' for me, I'm not sure I believe in that. But because I believe he's the best person in the world right now that can carve me into the best me right now. I know that if I chose to leave him for someone or something else I'd never be able to be the best me there was.

Every one is different and I respect that. If I were in my friend's position I have no idea what I would do. I pray that I'm never in that place but realize that no one is immune from their humanity or that of those around them.

Pray for my friend.

Pray for me.

Pray for my Wally.

You don't need to be on the brink of divorce or tragedy to ask for a little help.

Quickie

Today I had a day off. These no longer happen very often. Generally I work 6 days in a row, often three of them being 10-13 hour days and the others a bit shorter, but I have to say the shorter ones don't generally seem to give me any extra time.

I've shared my challenges with my schedule lately so I won't go into it now but to say I lazed about today without really gaining rest.

At 3:30pm I finally found myself out and about picking up groceries so Wally and I could get to the gym tomorrow before going out of town to look for a car before me going into work.

I had a good conversation with Dee yesterday about nutrition and foods we should be eating. Nothing he told me was new but for some reason I am ready to try new things like egg whites from a box, and soy milk. All the things we could never afford before really.

So I decided today when grocery shopping I'd be perfectly good and get 'clean' foods only and try and come home and prep everything the best I could. I did well at the grocery store, however I did not get inspired to 'prep' until around 9pm when I was completely exhausted.

Anyways, I had gone online earlier in the day and found a vegetarian chili recipe to try and then I organized and cleaned out our freezers. Boy did that feel good! That alone made me feel clean.

I learned I had stashed away too much bacon in the freezer. A pound of it frozen in one piece and another pound that I had frozen in sections of two portions each. Needless to say, bacon's not on the new menu, at least not as a staple item (like it used to be). Also found 3 separated pounds of ground beef. Another ting we're trying to move away from (as a staple anyway).

I think I will find ways to incorporate these things in meals when or if we ever have company over or go to a potluck sometime. Normally I wouldn't care and both Wally and I would go about eating the same old things but this time I really want to feel what it's like to eat as great as we can. And right now we can so why not.

Once I was done that I realized we really did not need 2 freezers but oh well right? I took out a few items that had been in there too long. Some I threw out, some I decided to cook up and then separate to make for easy healthy meals later, as we don't often get to eat supper together anymore.

*sigh*

The good kind of sighs, like that of breathing in fresh air. That's how I feel. Like I have opened a window of a new life and right now I have a choice as to whether or not I would like to bask in it, get out of the house and experience it along with the world it offers, or shut the window.

Right now I'm basking.

I'm still amazed at how little the pull towards crappy food is. Today at Walmart I barely noticed the Easter candy and when Wally mentioned going out for dinner I felt it more of a burden than a gift (as we wouldn't have been going to a four start restaurant that would serve healthy food).

This is all new to me and I hope it only gets stronger. I certainly don't plan on becoming a food snob, nor do I plan to become obsessed with it. I have just always desired to become the best I could be in this area, but so far it's only been a dream. I still can't believe I have a personal trainer - THAT'S A MAN!!!

There's so much more I could say but I am completely exhausted and truly just wanting a week long hiatus from work but life continues tomorrow....

Whoever's with me, thank you for stickin' around. I like knowing someone is listening ... or reading. Makes me feel ... not so alone :)

Happy

This is going to be short and to the point today and I'll use a photo to explain how I am feeling on my journey day 15:



Yeah that pretty much sums it up.

This is the first day of week 3 with my trainer and I feel good because I have, by my best guess, lost between 4 and 5 pounds, but even better than that am not distracted by the idol of food. It's amazing.

No I'm not saying I don't have temptations, nor am I saying I don't indulge (my trainer wouldn't exactly approve), but I feel so much freer from the shackles of my lust over food, at least at this point. It feels amazing.

I have a long way to go but it feels good to succeed at least with little steps. The true test will be the long term. That's what Wally and I want, a lifestyle change.

We'll do our best.

We are thankful.

Update on 'New Journey'

Ok so I guess I can't commit to anything again like I did my original 40 days. I mean I did do that in the summer when I only worked like 30 hours a week..

Anyways enough excuses hear she is...

I have been doing pretty darn good with both my eating and my time at the gym.

Here's the low down:

* I have been told to eat at least every 3 hours to keep my body moving and metabolizing I guess. It's amazing how challenging this can be considering I feel (or used to feel) as though I was a food addict. In reality I think I am just a sugar addict but with a specific focus it really has not been too difficult.

* I see my trainer 2 times a week for an hour each time. I have met with him 4 times now and am completely amazed at how rapidly I am improving each time I workout with him. This proves to me once again that God is an incredible Creator. To make us in such a way that we can truly change our bodies in this way.

* I go to the gym 2 more times a week (an hour per visit) to do cardio. This has consisted usually of 20 minutes on the elliptical, 20 on the bike (a beautiful wide seated up right kind) and either another 20 on the elliptical or on another machine like it.

* This past Sunday I went to a Interval Box class which is an hour long cardio mixed with full body workout. I loved it even though I forgot my water bottle and was dried out in the first minute, thought I was going to die after 20 minutes, and was positive I'd give up after 35, but was rejoiced when we started cooling down at 45. (This counted towards my hour of cardio).

* I'm not sure exactly how much I've lost since I didn't actually weigh myself on my home scale, instead I got weighed in there. I had a hunch when they weighed me in their scale was 'nicer' than mine by 2 pounds. If it's true I've probably lost 3 pounds overall and it's been 1 1/2 weeks. I'm hoping this is true. The goal (my trainer's goal) is 2 pounds a week.

* I am really challenged trying to pack two snacks and two meals for on the road these days. Not my favourite thing to do as I don't own a cooler, oh well.

Wally's doing great too. We go at separate times for our personal sessions as we have completely different work schedules and we'd have to do it apart anyway. We do try to go together for our cardio - it's been amazing to have a hobby to do together, at least in some way. We really hope that when we are done our sessions it's something we can keep doing - like actually working out together not just machines.

Something that's kind of weird is that I haven't been sleeping so great. I've been getting the kind of sleep that makes you feel as though you are half awake all night. I'm not a fan of it at all.

I went out dress shopping today. Well actually just dress browsing, I had absolutely no real intentions of buying one today. I tried several on and was surprised that I wasn't completely in tears by the end. Part of it is because though my body isn't where I want it to be I know I am working with someone who keeps me accountable and I just started. That was wonderful. I also do wonder if my body is beginning to change already. I mean considering I've been busting it at the gym and eating like to near perfection, it's got to help in some way right?

All in all I am already seeing the benefits of this decision. Ultimately we are going to get so much more out of this than healthier bodies, which I had really hoped. To so many people that we grew up around and to many of our family we would be looked at as 'wasting' or 'throwing' away good earned cash on frivolous things, luxuries really.

In fact a girl I shadowed the other day (who by the way, goes on trips literally around the world every year for a couple of weeks at a time) told me that she wishes she had the kind of money to spend on a personal trainer - 'you're so lucky!' she said.

I nearly fell over and slapped her at the same time. I thought 'Are you seriously that stupid?' Everyone chooses their priorities. Sometimes we are granted the gift of being able to chose more in our life than basic food and shelter needs. Almost anyone in North America can do this these days. It's about what you are considering a priority. To her it was travel, For us in this moment it's the gym. Another time it may be a trip abroad, to someone else it may be the size of house or kind of car they have. None of it (in my opinion) is wrong, as long as it's for the right reasons.

The benefits for us:
* closer relationship because of a shared experience
* a new hobby to share
* huge confidence building for both of these childhood fat kids
* strength building, physical and mental
* more friends
* becoming the people we want to be for our kids in whatever ways this experience can give us.

There you have it. Our Journey in a nut shell so far.

I should tell you about the wild turkey moves I've been doing. I'll save that for next time...

Day 5 & 6 - the pain continues ...

My Day 5 - of my 'New Journey' can be summed up with this:



I had to spend another 60 minutes on it on Sunday after already doing 60 minutes of cardio the previous day (I decided to break things up a bit and use the bike in the middle).

I only got to 40 minutes but was still really impressed as my prescription had called for a total of 2 one hour sessions within 7 days and I'd done it in two (just because that's how the schedule worked out this past week). Yay me!

I also learned that despite all of the pain I was in it felt good to move, it helped with the muscle stiffness for sure.

Day 6 of my 'New Journey' was another trip back to see my trainer. This picture sums up what I enjoyed most about our time, except for the part where I didn't feel nauseous and I already noticed a huge difference in what I could do.

By the Way - this isn't us ...



Yeah, can I just say that I NEVER in a million years thought I'd EVER have a male trainer, let alone a pro wrestling personal trainer. Who I have to allow do things like ... oh I don't know .... this kind of stretch with me.

But for some reason I don't care. I don't even care when I'm in the middle of my workout and there's men around (very close by the way) probably watching my touche flex and jiggle. I was surrounded by two yesterday, not including my trainer, and my head was only in my workout. I think this is really cool.

Anyways, today I must now live with a brand new soreness, but to be honest I really am thankful for the ability to renew and change my body. God creates us beautifully and we take that for granted and abuse that too often.

Temptations

This was my evening:

Sweet


Salty


Substance


Traditional


No, just for the record, I did not have any of these items. I refrained while I watched everyone else in the food court partake. I instead had some mini rice cakes which had way too much salt. But I was hungry and I had a good day overall. Even got my hour of cardio done (which was prescribed by Dee).

Of course this was why, while at the mall supporting a couple of young ladies, I desperately wanted to hide in these:



Speaking of which. Goodnight.