Things I ask myself

Why does my stomach creak like an old hardwood floor?

Why don't I pursue writing (even if it's just for myself)?

Why do I not spend more time with people I like?

Why don't I go out of my way to help people more?

Why do I feel sick to my stomach after drinking water early in the morning?

Why do I thrive off of a list of challenges?

How did I get so fortunate to find Wally?

Why has Sour been chewing his butt so much lately?

What should my next post be about?

Will I be a a good trainer?

Will I ever actually be a trainer?

How old will I be when I die?

Will I ever develop a debilitating disease?

Will I ever write a book?

Will I ever get paid to write?

Will my writing ever change a life?

Will my kids be respectful people?

Will they be ok?

Where will we live next?

When will Wally wake up this morning?

Aside from Wally who will be the next person to tell me that love me?

Who will the next person be that I will say 'I love you' to?

That was just the last 2 minutes.

A List

Once again I feel like I have a hundred things in my head I want to write about but none that I really want to come clean with.

Maybe I'll do a list post just to keep it simple...

* After 8 days I am STILL addicted to Tiny Tower (this is not good)

* Wally and I just found out that we may have to prove our infertility as we move on with our adoption (this is one giant, fiery post in itself)

* I am continuing to brainstorm about my new blog/site idea and think it could potentially be a great idea

* I finished the Kite Runner finally last night. I highly recommend it's harsh look at reality in Afghanistan (it's not light on the soul)

* I'm thinking I should make my training course my next reading choice (although it seems a little dry)

* I've decided overall I'm officially dissatisfied with my job (this has barely anything to do with those I support and almost everything to so with how management is working - both agency and 'the system')

* Having my new trainer friend show me so many new exercises has totally made me fall in love with working out (since I do it for health and not weight loss anymore (though i could still use to loose - yes, I just bracketed inside of a bracket) I'm not worried that I don't feel like I'm dying)

* Speaking of my trainer friend ... we are considering creating a small business together next spring when she's out of school and I'm done my course and ready to train.

* I've noticed by focusing on my health and lifestyle and omitting the scale I've felt so much better physically, mentally and emotionally, no more guilt or tries at a quick fix

* I know a lot of cool people with cool stories (chances are YOU are probably one of them)

* I thrive on deep relationships, I enjoy discovering and working on new ones but at the same time I still miss ones that seem to have grown out.

* I got to see two little brown babies sleeping in their car seats in the past 2 days. I melt just after having the desire to eat them (please don't report me).

* I used Skype for the first time last night. I'm in love.

* In a flash of thinking I may never get to motherhood yesterday, I realized I would be ok if no one ever called me 'mama' and I was only 'mama' in spirit. It's all the same job. The bottom line in giving of yourself.

* Though there always seem to be a hundred things going on around here I have really had a sense of boredom lately that I cant' seem to shake. Wally says I raised myself into a higher 'life bracket' (Like when you go to a nicer coffee shop one time and discover it's totally worth spending $5 on a drink that will give you a taste gasm so you can't go back to the cheap coffee place any more).

He says I've raised the bar on my own life and now I can't settle for anything normal.

I haven't' decided whether that's good or not.

I will keep pursuing the good things anyways.

Feedback appreciated!!!!

Hey bloggowers!!

Ok so I just wrote an entire blog post featuring what my ideas for my possible website are and Wally just told me I should not share them.

So in my ponderings of where I want to go with a potential website or blog I am asking for your help.

I already have ideas of topics and things I would love to include but since I have an audience (though potentially small) in front of me I would love to know topics that interest YOU.

What peaks your interests??

I want to know what deep, surfacey, funny, thoughtful ideas you may have. (Did I just cover them?)

I'm excited about this little endevour but I really would love to hear about what you think. What gets you going? Hearing a story about a pink skunk siting? Reading about how differently someone else thinks? Or, just hearing that you are always right? (Personally I like the last one the best!)

Share! Share! Share!

Be annonymous if you like but do ..... SHARE!!

Thanks!

Eva :)

Benefits or burdens?

I can't believe I haven't posted since last Thursday!!

Time goes by so fast!

Things that I've been preoccupied with:

* helping Wally finish up the basement rec room (looks pretty good, at least compared to the panelling before

* getting reacquainted with an old friend who I believe has been placed in my life at the perfect time

* my Tiny Tower (Wally did end up getting me a different refurbished ipod touch and now I can't go anywhere without my Tiny Tower .... it's a problem).

* dreaming - about a potential future business in the fitness/nutrition field

* how to try once more at cutting back my hours at work (have yet to be successful at it)

* brainstorming about a potential new blog/website that I'd love to start welcoming the views and experiences of other people (possibly focused on the needs of women but not sure)

* having old friends and their ultra adorable, yet sometimes loud (normal kid loud) children visit. (Incidentally I was told by their 7 year old daughter, after she kissed my hand, that I was as beautiful as a princess, I entered a euphoric state).

* baking LOTS of new 'clean' treats that are AMAZING!!!! This Christmas I will bake again!!!

* taking a little break from training (does 6 days count?)

* being challenged by the idea of living 'outside of the box'

It seems that as my mind gets a chance to dream it goes crazy with new ideas and thoughts of what I could do to enjoy life a little more.

I'm once again at a turning point I feel. I honestly think I'd quit my job today if I could to pursue something that I would love now. I;m sure I seem flaky and non committal at my job but I don't regret my decision at all to go into this field. I've learned more than any book on life could teach me. I have learned how to respect those that are different AND see how NOT different from me they are.

Sometimes I wonder if we get so caught up in the expectations of those around us that we forget to listen to our hearts on the of our own lives. It's so easy to do as sometimes all we hope to do is survive another day.

After just recently earning (after 1 1/2 yrs) benefits at my work I now have no desire what so ever to continue on. In my head I know much of my desire to get benefits was to prove that I could do it. I've never had them on my own before, I've always relied on Wally and over half of our marriage was empty of them anyway (we're healthy people so it wasn't a big deal).

Now that I know I've done it and that if I ever wanted to I could again, I have no other desire but to say 'Cut back my hours please, I don't really care about the benefits!' Let me tell you if the shock wasn't already there that I had no desire to get full time benefits while working full time, would they be surprised at the fact I could work part time and still say 'no thanks' to part time benefits (which are actually really good).

I don't want to live me life tied to a post. A post that may not even benefit me (even though everyone says it will).

I have to say too that I am VERY, VERY fortunate that I am blessed with perfect health right now and I have no reason to worry about ditching the 'post', some people aren't so lucky. They would require a great deal more faith than I to ditch their post.

Notice I did not say I believed they had to stay tied to the post?

I believe (I know, easy for me to believe), that the only difference stopping one person in a more challenging position than another to go after their passion is their faith. We all have to have some, but a few of us need what seems to be a hell of a lot more.

So .... if you see someone tied to a post. Do them a favour and teach them how to cut themselves free, encourage them to, be there for them and cheer them on.

If you're the one tied to a post dont' let anyone convince you that what you see as a burden is your benefit. Only you can decide that.

To risk or not to risk ... that is the question.

I want to take a risk.

I'm thinking about it.

Really, really thinking about it.

I need more guts .... with less gas.

But definitely more guts.

We'll see.

I just know that there's a better me out there to be had.

Waiting for me to be had.

Just need to take a risk.

More thinkin'

I only have a few minutes but I thought I'd shoot out a post. Nothing special.

I really wanted to workout today and was even looking forward to doing the workout my new trainer friends created for me but it's one of those days that I would love to stay in bed for. In a good way and in a bad way.

It's raining.

I LOVE rainy days (now that we've had some sunny ones to help with my sads).

I love the feeling of being at home all cozy and just hanging out.

I also am tired from my super long but not bad day yesterday and my frustrating end to my Tuesday.

I got into the shower this morning and barely got myself out. I'm sure I was in there for 30 minutes or longer. (Sorry about the water bill Wally).

Though I was disappointed not to get to try my workout on my own I loved the extra time I took just to wallow in glumness and let the day ease into me.

I really thought a lot in the shower (as I generally seem to) about my job.

Why do I not feel satisfied? Why do I feel the need to stick up for co workers or find justice for those I support? (At least that's what I think I'm doing). Why can't I just be happy with my decent schedule of decent people?

But I'm not.

I have this nagging desire to explore my interests. My true interests.

I always thought once I achieved a goal and lived a dream I'd feel fulfilled enough to just coast I guess. I'm learning that's not the way it goes.

Instead, more dreams bud and flourish, stronger desires develop to try new things. It doesn't stop.

Ever.

Currently I'm excited about fitness and nutrition. Not in an 'I'm perfect, look at my hot body, I've got it all right' sort of way. But in an 'I'm NOT perfect, I am working on my super amazing body, but more importantly my super amazing mind and what it is thinking' sort of way.

I have a real and strong desire to help others battle their self beliefs. I want to meet people where they are at and help walk them through to permanent freedom from their mind/body struggles relating to who they are, what they can do and who they want to be.

Sounds like a bit more than fitness and nutrition.

I get excited at the thought of sharing healthy and more importantly yummy treats and food with people that want to learn. My heart flutters at the idea of training people how to exercise and take care of their bodies in order to respect what they've been given.

I also really want to do all this in a REAL and relative manner without any false hope that it happens overnight or without a lot of self exploration (especially for people like me who have struggled for so long in ways unseen).

I feel the way about this dream the same as I did when I dreamt of going back to school.

I think I need to keep growing the dream so that when it's ready it can be made real (wow I kinda sound like a new ager - forgive me!).

What do you dream of doing? What are some things you just would love to let out and try, maybe overcome?

Think about it.

It's all good.

Though my knees are aching and my head is pounding and my body is completely fatigued ... it is: all good.

As I type we're having a down pour. Such a welcomed down pour.

After days without a real rain, combined with record breaking heat temperatures I have nearly given up on my already poorly soiled garden. Maybe there is hope for it after all.

Wally and I have spent the weekend tearing apart our soon to be rec room in hopes of omitting the paneling and making it a comfortable place to have a family room where kids can play and in the mean time (more importantly) movies and video games can be enjoyed.

Of course just like with any home improvement project this one quickly grew. We went from taking down loosely placed panelling and painting to repairing corners, filling a billion tiny holes and the unexpected disaster that was our once new (though very much despised by Wally) oak par cay flooring.

Apparently the issues Sweet had with my workout bench (that he got out by marking the workout bench) had seeped through the padding I had down for a workout area and sat on the wood, producing rotting flooring and even some mould.

Indeed our work (mostly Wally's work) multiplied.

Impressively though Wally was able to rip out the old, remove the mould and relay new tiles (that were left by the old owners) all himself. And though we had hoped to have had the room painted by now it should be ready to start tomorrow and with a little hard work should be done in a couple of days.

As for me, I've been busy experimenting a bit more with vegan baking recipes. Actually I just realized they were vegan a couple of weeks ago even though I've been trying many of them for a while.

As I've shared my struggles with you regarding food and my recent decision to enlist some help of good friends and very small attainable goals, I've also been hunting down some more variety in my clean eating pursuits. They've been going VERY well too!

In the past few weeks I've found amazing: Brownie cookies, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Just to name a few.

I've also found some great frozen cookies that are clean and easy to make and of course my favourite clean blizzard (soft serve made from a frozen banana!!!). Not to mention the clean granola I just made and cant' stop nibbling! Mmmmmmmmm.

I'm learning great tools and techniques to help me with my self control and how NOT to get down on myself for my vast imperfections. I feel really good. REALLY good about things.

In fact here are a few things I DON'T feel:

* Like I have to hold my breath until I loose a certain amount of weight and can eat the foods I really want.

Instead I am finding great (and I mean GREAT) clean versions of recipes I love and I feel no guilt about it and for some reason I am so much more able to keep my one clean treat a day rule no problem (of course, right now my idea of 1 clean treat is 2 or 3 cookies, they're small!!).

* Like I can't do it.

As I mentioned before I have chosen very attainable goals and from the reading I've done in food counselling the best way to achieve your ultimate goal is to break it down into much smaller goals that seem like no problem. Once I've aced those I can make change them a bit to get myself further to where I want my lifestyle to be.

* Fat, bloated or like a loser.

Nope. Instead I feel healthy, in control and successful (no, 'in control' isn't really related to 'bloated' ha ha!!)


In other news.... today was my 'long run' day and I completed once again my longest run yet = 4.5 miles.

I did well mentally through it and was able to actually just run and sort of enjoy my smutty music rather than feel like a Sesame Street Character rhyming off numbers every 30 seconds.

Overall my body co operated except for the last mile I felt as though I could literally lay down and fall asleep. No, I didn't feel like dying, just sleepy. AS Wally pointed out a product of not enough carbs - something every girl wants to hear!! (Btw, I had cottage cheese pancakes with fruit sauce mmmmmmmmm).

I was even more impressed that I finished as the air conditioning in the women's only section didn't seem to be working and it was much more humid in there than the rest of the gym.

I am beginning to realize that reaching a further distance will take the gusto out of you for the rest of the day. I need to be prepared for that in the next couple weeks as I get to my 6 mile goal (2 weeks!!! Although I just realized today that 10 K is actually 6.25 miles - boo!!)

Oh yeah and I can't forget to mention that I actually SIGNED UP for my 10 K race today!!!!! As did my new running buddy for that day! I'm so excited, scared and excited and scared :)

Tomorrow I am also starting to train with a friend of mine once a week. She's going through college to be a personal trainer (she was also my first piano student - weird!!!!) and I got thinking about how she might want some practice and I could use a new perspective while I train to be a trainer. Of course it's MUCH more affordable than signing up at the gym and we both get to learn as we go. I'm looking forward to being pushed again and doing some new things.

Well, Wally's watching a movie downstairs I might just go read a book or fold some laundry (so exciting!!). I love down time.

Cheers!