Sometimes you've just gotta be.
The past several days have seemed to cast a serious cloud on my mood. I've spent more time than I care to admit being rather down, unmotivated, disconnected and feeling disappointed in myself.
I have never attributed the weather to my own personal mood as I tend to love rainy days and thunderstorms and am not bothered much by overcast clouds. I am wondering if a few things combined with our on and off spring have indeed contributed to a serious slow down on my part.
There's a few things at play other than the weather right now ...
Running Goal: My first 5K run is coming up on Saturday and for some reason my running (that initially was going very well) has been a great struggle. In my personal opinion I think my mood has greatly contributed to this fight, as I maintain most physical goal require even more mental determination and strength than anything else.
Though I only have 5 days to go I still maintain fierce desire to complete it and know that either way I will complete my first 5K run within the next couple of weeks (but it had better be on Saturday!!).
Thailand: Something I have had yet to acknowledge is the fact that I have completed my big dream of visiting another culture and seeing first hand people that are in a very different place than I in many ways. I don't think I ever prepared myself for the 'after shock' of this trip ending, the desire to go back, to potential for another dream (that is not contingent on us having or not having children).
Kind of like just after the party I think I have and perhaps am still experiencing some of the 'blues' of this big even being over. Being someone who thrives on both the big and small events in life it's sometimes difficult to move on after one of them is over and know what to do with what I've learned and how I can hold onto and grow whatever that is.
Work Life: As I have written since coming back from our trip I feel a sense of wanting to love what I do not only while I'm at work but when I do work. I have surrendered (at least mentally) to the idea of working less and tried to be more purposeful about giving work up that I didn't 'click' with and doing more work that I do. This is now a work in progress and something I will have to work on long term I think. I am now only down 2 hours from my original schedule (rather than the 8 hrs that was supposed to be - though unplanned).
I am trying to take time to see where else I should cut back. Riding this wave is strange, especially in the workplace I am in but I will try to continue to be sensitive to it. I am learning the time off is not the key but DOING something that makes you feel valuable and fulfilled IS. I need to concentrate on seeing where I can give back in our community in ways that are both using my talents and time in a positive way.
Community: Wally and I have (for years) struggled with the aspect of building a family, outside of our family, within the area that we live. WE have not been a part of an organized group together in years and would like to pursue this in our faith (something that would also be necessary in many ways if we ever chose to go to Thailand to live and serve for any length of time). It became apparent this weekend when on Easter Sunday we found ourselves on our own. Having already celebrated nicely with my mom's family we had no where else to be or no one to be with (well depending on how you look at it). It would have been a great time to have had an established 'other' family to potentially share the time with. (Though we did end up having a nice impromptu visit with Wally's sister!).
In a few weeks I will be done my weekend working and we really hope to make really make a commitment to settle down and get connected to my former house church family. We not only want this but know that we need it.
Back Sliding: I hate admitting this, I don't want to even go 'there' (or here depending on how you look at it) but Wally and I have fallen back into our binge eating patterns and doing so has landed us gaining some of our lost weight back (the story of Hansel and Gretel comes to mind).
I am thankful that our work on learning and sticking with clean eating (other than our binges), I have no doubt this has helped us keep a relatively healthy diet overall. It seems to be our emotional eating that gets us into trouble, as well as the fact that since moving and trying to settle into our home we have NOT been going to a gym and weight training (a sure fire way to KEEP the weight off even while enjoying treats).
I have just received a free 1 yr membership from a friend (YAY!!!!) enabling me to go back and do classes for free that I really wanted to get into (like yoga, maybe spin and possibly more boxing). I also feel like GOING to the gym was good for me to focus and knuckle down. I am still glad we got the basics for home so Wally can (and he does) use them and when I get back at it (after the 5 K) I can try some of the new stuff I want to try at home.
I guess there is one other thing to mention ...
The Kid Thing: There's no way around it. Though I never wanted to be someone who came out and said 'We're trying!!' I can't really get around the simple and acceptable fact that we are. I guess I have a difficult time saying that we are because I don't take my temperature, write things down or time every fun *wink, wink* activity we do down to the second. It's more of a 'so we don't need these anymore ....' sort of effort.
Who knows what will happen. My main goal it to virtually not worry about it or get overly focused on it, though admittedly this is nearly impossible for someone who write lists about their lists and has goals within their goals. I don't think there's ever a moment when I don't have an idea of something I'd like to accomplish and many of the items on this list interfere (or need to be altered) if I were to be expecting.
Being 31 years old the thoughts weigh heavily on my mind on how and when Wally and I will become parents, as we may or may not conceive and are very interested and wanting to experience the road of adoption. I just feel that this is something to be considered carefully and thoughtfully and done WITHOUT my spontaneous side.
It's 4am and for some unknown reason (to me) I hear the birds chirping rather violently outside. Maybe they are excited about their day.
I for one hope to roll back into bed and catch some more sleep at some point soon praying that I wake up tomorrow on the right side of the bed and am able to see the day for the gift that it is.
Cheers to new days!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Anti-Anti-bacterial soap
One day while we were still in Thailand, Wally and I met Steph (our new friend from compasio) for coffee. We actulaly ran into her and one of her friends (that we also met) for breakfast.
It was the Saturday at the end of the week we'd been visiting so there'd been lots rummaging through our minds.
AS we were heading from the breakfast place over to the coffee place we ran into a couple of the street kids that we'd met and Steph knew well from the Drop Inn Centre. THey were out begging for food.
It's a different picture than you might think.
THere was a little boy around 9 or 10 with a baby in a wrap on his back and a little girl around 9 maybe with personality oozing from her pores. She was actually one I hung around quite a bit at the Drop Inn the day we were there. Spunky she was!
Steph broke through the language barrier quite successfully, as was the practise, to let them know she'd buy them lunch from 7/11. She took the little girl inside the store to help her pick out food for her and the little boy. We sat outside with the little boy and waited.
Soon enough they emerged from the store with the popular Roma noodles in a bowl filled with hot water and a couple of bottles of milk.
The little girl and boy situated themselves on the pavement with the three of us adults surrounding them.
The baby was around 5 or 6 months old with a dirt covered face and snot pulsing from it's nose. (I may have shared a bit about this before already).
THe boy took the baby out of the wrap and set her on the pavement. She had no diaper on and was wearing a dress. She sat up perfectly fine on her own, happy to play with any wrappers from the food she could find.
The kids ate carefully as the water was hot. They didn't gorge themselves but took their time enjoying their 'catch of the day'.
As I sat there I said to Steph:
'The baby is NOT wearing a diaper.' (pause)
'She's wearing a DRESS', I add.
'She's sitting DIRECTLY on the pavement.'
'Oh. My. Goodness. How does she not get an infection?!' I finally spit out.
Steph nods and braces her smile muscles and says 'I know' in a way that explains that I am in the first person to ever say those four sentences with the emphasis that I through in.
A conversation ensued surrounding the incredible immune systems of the people there (particularly the poor who live in more dire, dirty circumstance).
I refer again to those that live at the dump and how any one in North America would have a hissy fit to just have the kind of dirt they fashioned on them for moments would sent out fits of the Willies all around. There would be pleas for soap, a clean cloth and not to mention anti-bacterial cleanser STAT!!
I thought of friends that Wally and I have who have shares in the anti-bacterial franchise. Shopping mall food court tables, grocery carts and any surface tht could have been touched by .... anything would be vigilently scrubbed before being touched or used.
Now I confess I'm not generally this clean (anti-bacterial wise). I wash my hadns after using the bathroom, touching rough meat or getting something sticky or truly dirty on my hands but honestly my house, car and life are NOT anti-bacterial tested.
I barely ever wash my fruit or veggies, you'd be hard pressed not to find something rotting in my car, and my house is lucky to getting thoroughly cleaned once a month. I don't live in a sty but it's hardly germ free.
After seeing what many of these people lived in and probably survived BECAUSE they lived in it, I felt much better about my less than stellar housework habits.
I chatted with Steph about the over clenliness of North Americans and how anti-bacterial soaps and such have infiltrated our culture. We have a heart attack at the thought of something having germs on it and forget that there is a degree of germs we were designed to live with for our our protection and immunity.
As I thought on this topic I pondered how our society has done it's best to omit any form of foreign matter from it's radius. How it tries so hard to clear away all perceived impurities from it's world.
Are you dirty? Let's clean you. Are your clothes old? Let's get you new ones. Is that furnature damaged (or just outdated)? Better look at new stuff. Do you live below the poverty line? Let's boost you up.
We never think about the benefits of HAVING these perceived impurities.
A better immune system, less care about acceptable fashion and more use of what we have (perhaps learning how to do something like SEWING the ripped seem in your pants), enjoying a simpler life (assuming you have the essentials like food, clothing and place to live).
Though I'm sure I'm coming across as a crazed hippy that is willing to give up her need to shop, her soap, and her economic status I will assure you right now that I'm not.
But, I am willing to entertain the thought that we North American could stand to learn something from what we would normally consider a 'poor and pitiful people'.
We think we have it all going on with fighting diseases (guess what we weren't meant to live forever!!!!) and climbing up the proverbial ladder of 'success' to assume a greater facade of 'Life's better when you have more'.
I won't deny that since Wally has found a job he loves our life feels better. Most would assume because we are financially feeling more secure. I would argue we are happier more because HE is happier and fulfilled in his work than because of money but there's no way to prove that (well, unless we sold everything I guess and lived simpler ... without fancy and possibly ugly lamps).
I suppose the point of my rambling is this: is a world with less impurities better, more fulfilling and easier than one full of them? Or does it just impose more hidden, yet possibly more deadly illnesses and challenges than we care to admit to having?
Here we get flustered about the house being clean when the family comes over, there they worry about having a house. Here, when food costs go up, we MAY have to consider not putting our 3 kids in soccer (and are devestated that we aren't giving them an adequate childhood), there they worry about feeding their kids at all and kids worry if they should go home at night when they haven't earned enough money begging that day (having a 'childhood' is not pressing on the to do list). Here we fret about our RRSP contributions and there they wonder ....
Anti-bacterial soap taught me a lot on this trip.
A lot.
My mom gave me a bunch of travel sized anti-bacterial gels for Christmas because they came from a store I like that sells wonderfully smelling soaps, lotions and the like.
I've never liked anti-bacterial gels. They are sticky and unnatural.
I use them once a week when I visit Dolly in the nusing home and I'm gaurunteed to have touched something urine or saliva covered. They also smell deliscious in a place that doesn't.
Otherwise, I prefer water. Pure and natural.
I wonder in what other areas of my life I could be more natural? More pure.
There are many, no doubt.
Most people would look at the dirty children/people begging in Thailand as dirty and impure. But they had something I don't...
Natural immunity to the simplest things.
There's something to be said for that.
Steph taking the little girl in to get the food.
It was the Saturday at the end of the week we'd been visiting so there'd been lots rummaging through our minds.
AS we were heading from the breakfast place over to the coffee place we ran into a couple of the street kids that we'd met and Steph knew well from the Drop Inn Centre. THey were out begging for food.
It's a different picture than you might think.
THere was a little boy around 9 or 10 with a baby in a wrap on his back and a little girl around 9 maybe with personality oozing from her pores. She was actually one I hung around quite a bit at the Drop Inn the day we were there. Spunky she was!
Steph broke through the language barrier quite successfully, as was the practise, to let them know she'd buy them lunch from 7/11. She took the little girl inside the store to help her pick out food for her and the little boy. We sat outside with the little boy and waited.
Soon enough they emerged from the store with the popular Roma noodles in a bowl filled with hot water and a couple of bottles of milk.
The little girl and boy situated themselves on the pavement with the three of us adults surrounding them.
The baby was around 5 or 6 months old with a dirt covered face and snot pulsing from it's nose. (I may have shared a bit about this before already).
THe boy took the baby out of the wrap and set her on the pavement. She had no diaper on and was wearing a dress. She sat up perfectly fine on her own, happy to play with any wrappers from the food she could find.
The kids ate carefully as the water was hot. They didn't gorge themselves but took their time enjoying their 'catch of the day'.
As I sat there I said to Steph:
'The baby is NOT wearing a diaper.' (pause)
'She's wearing a DRESS', I add.
'She's sitting DIRECTLY on the pavement.'
'Oh. My. Goodness. How does she not get an infection?!' I finally spit out.
Steph nods and braces her smile muscles and says 'I know' in a way that explains that I am in the first person to ever say those four sentences with the emphasis that I through in.
A conversation ensued surrounding the incredible immune systems of the people there (particularly the poor who live in more dire, dirty circumstance).
I refer again to those that live at the dump and how any one in North America would have a hissy fit to just have the kind of dirt they fashioned on them for moments would sent out fits of the Willies all around. There would be pleas for soap, a clean cloth and not to mention anti-bacterial cleanser STAT!!
I thought of friends that Wally and I have who have shares in the anti-bacterial franchise. Shopping mall food court tables, grocery carts and any surface tht could have been touched by .... anything would be vigilently scrubbed before being touched or used.
Now I confess I'm not generally this clean (anti-bacterial wise). I wash my hadns after using the bathroom, touching rough meat or getting something sticky or truly dirty on my hands but honestly my house, car and life are NOT anti-bacterial tested.
I barely ever wash my fruit or veggies, you'd be hard pressed not to find something rotting in my car, and my house is lucky to getting thoroughly cleaned once a month. I don't live in a sty but it's hardly germ free.
After seeing what many of these people lived in and probably survived BECAUSE they lived in it, I felt much better about my less than stellar housework habits.
I chatted with Steph about the over clenliness of North Americans and how anti-bacterial soaps and such have infiltrated our culture. We have a heart attack at the thought of something having germs on it and forget that there is a degree of germs we were designed to live with for our our protection and immunity.
As I thought on this topic I pondered how our society has done it's best to omit any form of foreign matter from it's radius. How it tries so hard to clear away all perceived impurities from it's world.
Are you dirty? Let's clean you. Are your clothes old? Let's get you new ones. Is that furnature damaged (or just outdated)? Better look at new stuff. Do you live below the poverty line? Let's boost you up.
We never think about the benefits of HAVING these perceived impurities.
A better immune system, less care about acceptable fashion and more use of what we have (perhaps learning how to do something like SEWING the ripped seem in your pants), enjoying a simpler life (assuming you have the essentials like food, clothing and place to live).
Though I'm sure I'm coming across as a crazed hippy that is willing to give up her need to shop, her soap, and her economic status I will assure you right now that I'm not.
But, I am willing to entertain the thought that we North American could stand to learn something from what we would normally consider a 'poor and pitiful people'.
We think we have it all going on with fighting diseases (guess what we weren't meant to live forever!!!!) and climbing up the proverbial ladder of 'success' to assume a greater facade of 'Life's better when you have more'.
I won't deny that since Wally has found a job he loves our life feels better. Most would assume because we are financially feeling more secure. I would argue we are happier more because HE is happier and fulfilled in his work than because of money but there's no way to prove that (well, unless we sold everything I guess and lived simpler ... without fancy and possibly ugly lamps).
I suppose the point of my rambling is this: is a world with less impurities better, more fulfilling and easier than one full of them? Or does it just impose more hidden, yet possibly more deadly illnesses and challenges than we care to admit to having?
Here we get flustered about the house being clean when the family comes over, there they worry about having a house. Here, when food costs go up, we MAY have to consider not putting our 3 kids in soccer (and are devestated that we aren't giving them an adequate childhood), there they worry about feeding their kids at all and kids worry if they should go home at night when they haven't earned enough money begging that day (having a 'childhood' is not pressing on the to do list). Here we fret about our RRSP contributions and there they wonder ....
Anti-bacterial soap taught me a lot on this trip.
A lot.
My mom gave me a bunch of travel sized anti-bacterial gels for Christmas because they came from a store I like that sells wonderfully smelling soaps, lotions and the like.
I've never liked anti-bacterial gels. They are sticky and unnatural.
I use them once a week when I visit Dolly in the nusing home and I'm gaurunteed to have touched something urine or saliva covered. They also smell deliscious in a place that doesn't.
Otherwise, I prefer water. Pure and natural.
I wonder in what other areas of my life I could be more natural? More pure.
There are many, no doubt.
Most people would look at the dirty children/people begging in Thailand as dirty and impure. But they had something I don't...
Natural immunity to the simplest things.
There's something to be said for that.
Steph taking the little girl in to get the food.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A tie for first
Well, my Sads have lifted mostly. I can't say I feel overly ambitious or motivated which seems to be a clinging symptom of the Sads. I know lots of people see this as normal but honestly I'm generally on the go and ready for the 'to do list'.
I generally enjoy a good rainy day but seeing as I have to enter it soon it's not so much my favourite thing.
Hmmmmmmm ... there's so much rumbling around my head yet not much at all.
Maybe today will be a bits and pieces day.
Here are a few of the bits and pieces of my mind...
I asked myself a question the other day. Who in my life do I envy? Who would I give anything to switch places with. The answer scared me a little and surprised me too.
The top two contenders were: a friend who is beautifully pregnant with her first child ( seriously - perfectly pregnant), and a friend who is traveling his way through the year and is currently in Israel perusing about.
I am honestly happy for both. They are fulfilling their dreams and entering new territories that I'm guessing they've always wanted to go to.
I think if I could I'd combine the two into one and that would be my dream.
No, I don't mean a travelling pregnant she-man that poses perfectly in front of historical places. I mean, the experience of motherhood, miracle of birth and excitement of a tiny human to meet and encounter the world with, AND the ability to roam the earth snapping photos and absorbing new sights, sounds, experiences.
These two things hold a tight race for the things I wish for most.
To be perfectly honest I'm not sure which one I want more. This surprises me a little. Ok a lot.
I have come to realize, after meeting some wonderful people who dare to live, that having a family and being a mom doesn't condemn you to a life of boredom and sameness.
Having kids doesn't make it impossible to live in another country, travel the world or try new things. In fact it may give you reason to do these things all the more. (It just may be far more difficult AND who knows if your child will be up to that kind of life physically/etc.
On the other hand there's travelling without limits. To give undivided attention to deeply explore and take in all that is new (or old) and process it. *sigh*
And then of course there is the fact that I at no point in my life want to waste any amount of moments wishing I were anywhere but where I am.
Nope, I really have no desire to do such a thing.
I was talking with Glo about her impending trip to Europe for a year as a nanny. She expressed how her Dad encouraged her to get rid of the stuff she wasn't taking with her and sell her car. Because, he cautioned, they could possibly hold her back, drag her down.
She expressed that she was not looking at this coming year as a temporary detour from things, but as part of her actual life, embracing it as part of what was supposed to be all the way along.
She had originally planned to get her masters degree. She now sees her trip to Europe as what was supposed to be all the way along.
How often do we miss that?
How often do we assume that our plans were the originals and what happens is how we 'fixed' it.
I won't get into the issue of Providence and how God plans things .... blah, blah, blah. Because I'm not trying to say that He plans bad things - I'll leave it at that.
I'm just trying to think a little differently about how our lives turn out rather than how we thought they would, and then our attitude towards whatever transpires.
Often I'll get bitter and cynical about marriage and life. How things don't happen the way you plan and stuff. I can really get all ranty.
I have to remind myself though that we have every opportunity to see life however we want to.
I can be bitter that I'm not a mom yet. I can be frustrated that I never traveled when I was younger. I can be confused as to what to do next. Or I can just accept the ways things have gone so far and enjoy the scenery along the way.
This doesn't answer my questions or even ease some of my fears but it lays to rest worrying about what has passed by.
So, here I sit awaiting for lightning to (figuratively) strike.
Here I sit trying not to figure out how to stay in the moment of my own life and enjoy it's view, rather than wishing I had someone else's.
Maybe my view's great. I just haven't taken the time to notice.
I will try. I will.
To my beautifully pregnant friend and my favourite traveling pal - I am not jealous but rather envious (in a good way): take pictures, absorb, enjoy, live and write down your experiences. They are a wonder.
I will do the same.
I generally enjoy a good rainy day but seeing as I have to enter it soon it's not so much my favourite thing.
Hmmmmmmm ... there's so much rumbling around my head yet not much at all.
Maybe today will be a bits and pieces day.
Here are a few of the bits and pieces of my mind...
I asked myself a question the other day. Who in my life do I envy? Who would I give anything to switch places with. The answer scared me a little and surprised me too.
The top two contenders were: a friend who is beautifully pregnant with her first child ( seriously - perfectly pregnant), and a friend who is traveling his way through the year and is currently in Israel perusing about.
I am honestly happy for both. They are fulfilling their dreams and entering new territories that I'm guessing they've always wanted to go to.
I think if I could I'd combine the two into one and that would be my dream.
No, I don't mean a travelling pregnant she-man that poses perfectly in front of historical places. I mean, the experience of motherhood, miracle of birth and excitement of a tiny human to meet and encounter the world with, AND the ability to roam the earth snapping photos and absorbing new sights, sounds, experiences.
These two things hold a tight race for the things I wish for most.
To be perfectly honest I'm not sure which one I want more. This surprises me a little. Ok a lot.
I have come to realize, after meeting some wonderful people who dare to live, that having a family and being a mom doesn't condemn you to a life of boredom and sameness.
Having kids doesn't make it impossible to live in another country, travel the world or try new things. In fact it may give you reason to do these things all the more. (It just may be far more difficult AND who knows if your child will be up to that kind of life physically/etc.
On the other hand there's travelling without limits. To give undivided attention to deeply explore and take in all that is new (or old) and process it. *sigh*
And then of course there is the fact that I at no point in my life want to waste any amount of moments wishing I were anywhere but where I am.
Nope, I really have no desire to do such a thing.
I was talking with Glo about her impending trip to Europe for a year as a nanny. She expressed how her Dad encouraged her to get rid of the stuff she wasn't taking with her and sell her car. Because, he cautioned, they could possibly hold her back, drag her down.
She expressed that she was not looking at this coming year as a temporary detour from things, but as part of her actual life, embracing it as part of what was supposed to be all the way along.
She had originally planned to get her masters degree. She now sees her trip to Europe as what was supposed to be all the way along.
How often do we miss that?
How often do we assume that our plans were the originals and what happens is how we 'fixed' it.
I won't get into the issue of Providence and how God plans things .... blah, blah, blah. Because I'm not trying to say that He plans bad things - I'll leave it at that.
I'm just trying to think a little differently about how our lives turn out rather than how we thought they would, and then our attitude towards whatever transpires.
Often I'll get bitter and cynical about marriage and life. How things don't happen the way you plan and stuff. I can really get all ranty.
I have to remind myself though that we have every opportunity to see life however we want to.
I can be bitter that I'm not a mom yet. I can be frustrated that I never traveled when I was younger. I can be confused as to what to do next. Or I can just accept the ways things have gone so far and enjoy the scenery along the way.
This doesn't answer my questions or even ease some of my fears but it lays to rest worrying about what has passed by.
So, here I sit awaiting for lightning to (figuratively) strike.
Here I sit trying not to figure out how to stay in the moment of my own life and enjoy it's view, rather than wishing I had someone else's.
Maybe my view's great. I just haven't taken the time to notice.
I will try. I will.
To my beautifully pregnant friend and my favourite traveling pal - I am not jealous but rather envious (in a good way): take pictures, absorb, enjoy, live and write down your experiences. They are a wonder.
I will do the same.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I bought lamps
They are really pretty.
The last time I bought lamps for our living room was 10 years ago when we got married. They were $100. I got 4 in a box that was approx. 1 square foot cube.
I mentioned before that we were actually decorating our living room. Will stuff we are actually purchasing from a store. That in our fairy world opinions matches 9who really knows, I'm no fashionista.
I bought 2 lamps so far. They sit on either side of the couch on the end tables.
They look kind of crystal like and are taller than our other ones. They have silver parts on them too.
The lamp shades are grey and square shaped. They match the mirror we bought while we were pretending to be fashionistas.
I tried reading my book this evening with the lamps on in the living room.
It's too dark. I guess they aren't very good lamps.
But they're pretty. And, they match.
I'll have to buy other lamps that actually give light (like the ones I bought in a box).
Sometimes I'm not practical.
Sometimes I don't care.
I bought lamps. They are pretty.
The last time I bought lamps for our living room was 10 years ago when we got married. They were $100. I got 4 in a box that was approx. 1 square foot cube.
I mentioned before that we were actually decorating our living room. Will stuff we are actually purchasing from a store. That in our fairy world opinions matches 9who really knows, I'm no fashionista.
I bought 2 lamps so far. They sit on either side of the couch on the end tables.
They look kind of crystal like and are taller than our other ones. They have silver parts on them too.
The lamp shades are grey and square shaped. They match the mirror we bought while we were pretending to be fashionistas.
I tried reading my book this evening with the lamps on in the living room.
It's too dark. I guess they aren't very good lamps.
But they're pretty. And, they match.
I'll have to buy other lamps that actually give light (like the ones I bought in a box).
Sometimes I'm not practical.
Sometimes I don't care.
I bought lamps. They are pretty.
Monday, April 18, 2011
:(
I'm struggling.
I have practically invited another case of the 'Sads' to come live with me.
It relieves me a bit that after waking up this morning with clear symptoms that I realize I haven't had them in a great while. But when I do feel them, my mind immediately goes to Bee.
My mind has actually been on Bee a lot lately. I thought of her several times while we were in Thailand, wondering if there were any dreams she had that got left behind. I thought of how life just goes on even when someone we care about is gone. Physically or relationally. That's the way we were made. To cope.
Today I am thinking of Bee because I feel sad. Not just sad, but like stuck in a deep hole that I am anxious about getting out of, really hoping someone notices I'm here and helps me out, sad.
I sense the heavy feeling that permeates my mind and spirit. I don't like it at all.
I know I'll be ok because there is a reason why the 'Sads' were brought on. Kinda like when you aren't surprised you get a cold after you spend hours in close proximity to someone who has a terrible cold. I wasn't shocked when I woke up this morning with these fretful symptoms.
Heavy hearted, no desire to get out of bed (red flag for me as it's generally hard to keep me in there!), no care in the world about what Wally is doing or how he's feeling, zero care for the fact that my list is waiting with easy items to check off that I know usually gets me excited to complete it. I don't care to e-mail anyone, clean anything, workout in anyway, or even eat. The eating one is another huge flag.
I just want to get warm, snuggle in my chair, turn the lights off and read a book (yes reading in the dark seems a little difficult), with Sweet on my lap (as long as it doesn't take his 20 minutes to get comfortable).
Some might say 'Just do what will make you feel comfortable' but they don't understand that the Sads can often breed off of this hopeless feeling. The Sads (if the Sads is what you have) will burrow further into your heart, like a tick does to your skin, and attach themselves if you aren't careful. Before you know it your sad feeling day turns into utter hopelessness and fear of facing .... well, anything.
I take comfort in the fact that my case of the Sads didn't come out of nowhere this time. They popped up out of an unresolved 'discussion', one that may appear to be nothing but in reality is a pretty big deal affecting my/our entire future.
It's not unfixable but it is uncomfortable, vulnerable and an unwanted issue at an inconvenient time.
I wonder how Bee's Sads started? I wonder if they came very gradually or rather abruptly? I wonder if she felt these things?
I'm guessing that she did, at least to some degree. Probably to a much more serious degree.
I often think of Bee and her outcome. It shakes me to the core some times at the reality of how the Sads can turn into something that is out of anyone's control really. Like a plague of the mind, unwilling to be contained or understood.
It grieves me to no end that Bee didn't win her struggle. She was such an amazing woman, and the outcome of her circumstances doesn't change my belief of that, it just makes me more disappointed in the truth of how finite we humans are.
Bee is free now, I have to hold onto that.
I will be ok.
I have practically invited another case of the 'Sads' to come live with me.
It relieves me a bit that after waking up this morning with clear symptoms that I realize I haven't had them in a great while. But when I do feel them, my mind immediately goes to Bee.
My mind has actually been on Bee a lot lately. I thought of her several times while we were in Thailand, wondering if there were any dreams she had that got left behind. I thought of how life just goes on even when someone we care about is gone. Physically or relationally. That's the way we were made. To cope.
Today I am thinking of Bee because I feel sad. Not just sad, but like stuck in a deep hole that I am anxious about getting out of, really hoping someone notices I'm here and helps me out, sad.
I sense the heavy feeling that permeates my mind and spirit. I don't like it at all.
I know I'll be ok because there is a reason why the 'Sads' were brought on. Kinda like when you aren't surprised you get a cold after you spend hours in close proximity to someone who has a terrible cold. I wasn't shocked when I woke up this morning with these fretful symptoms.
Heavy hearted, no desire to get out of bed (red flag for me as it's generally hard to keep me in there!), no care in the world about what Wally is doing or how he's feeling, zero care for the fact that my list is waiting with easy items to check off that I know usually gets me excited to complete it. I don't care to e-mail anyone, clean anything, workout in anyway, or even eat. The eating one is another huge flag.
I just want to get warm, snuggle in my chair, turn the lights off and read a book (yes reading in the dark seems a little difficult), with Sweet on my lap (as long as it doesn't take his 20 minutes to get comfortable).
Some might say 'Just do what will make you feel comfortable' but they don't understand that the Sads can often breed off of this hopeless feeling. The Sads (if the Sads is what you have) will burrow further into your heart, like a tick does to your skin, and attach themselves if you aren't careful. Before you know it your sad feeling day turns into utter hopelessness and fear of facing .... well, anything.
I take comfort in the fact that my case of the Sads didn't come out of nowhere this time. They popped up out of an unresolved 'discussion', one that may appear to be nothing but in reality is a pretty big deal affecting my/our entire future.
It's not unfixable but it is uncomfortable, vulnerable and an unwanted issue at an inconvenient time.
I wonder how Bee's Sads started? I wonder if they came very gradually or rather abruptly? I wonder if she felt these things?
I'm guessing that she did, at least to some degree. Probably to a much more serious degree.
I often think of Bee and her outcome. It shakes me to the core some times at the reality of how the Sads can turn into something that is out of anyone's control really. Like a plague of the mind, unwilling to be contained or understood.
It grieves me to no end that Bee didn't win her struggle. She was such an amazing woman, and the outcome of her circumstances doesn't change my belief of that, it just makes me more disappointed in the truth of how finite we humans are.
Bee is free now, I have to hold onto that.
I will be ok.
Friday, April 15, 2011
A Facebookless World
At this point in life I can't even imagine it!
Could you?
A world where you don't know what's happening in every one's lives around you? A world where you can't, with a few clicks of the mouse, know the low down on who's in what relationship, where some one's working or who's having a baby when.
Oh facebook.
I have big and very mixed feelings about this little virtual world.
I've talked to a handful of people that have at different times taken matters into their own hands and detached themselves from the drama that is facebook.
Most of them have taken LOAs (leave of absence)from it, few have fully committed to leaving it completely.
When asked why they have said 'It's just too much. Too much drama, miscommunication, and honestly I was addicted.'
I totally get it. I am a facebook-aholic.
I am the one who updates their status at least twice a day. I am the one who says more than they should. I am the one who gets misunderstood often. I am the one who's had friends delete them out of the blue.
Now I will tell you straight up honestly I am not someone who really gets all twelve year old girl like and worries about losing facebook friends pretending I was BFFs with everyone of them. I understand and appreciate when someone needs to make the right decision for themselves and 9 times out of 10 you weren't really friends anyways.
Recently though I noticed someone who up until lately I had been very very close with that was no longer on my list. I thought maybe that person just deleted their account but then saw that they were still friends with other mutual friends. This is still someone in my life so it wasn't a matter of 'oh they were just getting rid of the extras and really keeping the close ones'. I'm guessing there was more to the story.
Anyhow, this, along with my great addiction has got me seriously preparing to dislodge myself from the facebook society. If I'm that annoying or over the top that I'm shooing real friends away (or at least I thought they were) maybe it's time to cut the cord. (Not to mention the fact that if you have relatives that are already annoyed by you this just gives them 10 times the ammunition).
Maybe the friendship was done anyways and that's ok, different seasons require different people, but, why take the gamble.
Were we really meant to know everything about everyone all of the time? No.
Have you had a conversation with a facebook friend that you hadn't actually seen face to face in months? The conversation is like this:
'Hi! How have you been? (doesn't wait for you to answer) I see you went on a trip. It looked amazing!'
'Yeah it really was.' You say.
Pause...
You offer 'So you're getting married in Cuba? That's nice. In June eh? I hope you enjoy!'
They reply 'Yeah, so and so's annoying though, we had to kick them out of the bridal party.'
'Oh that's too bad.'
More weird silence.
You're 'friend' says 'Well, I better go. It was great to chat, we should do coffee sometime!'
'Yeah, right. See ya!' Then you feel relieved the run in is over.
I won't lie the benefits of facebook for me have far outweighed the cons for the most part. I've connected with people I would never have known otherwise, made and deepened friendships with people that I would never know now had I not been able to find them or have free access to bug them.
I even noticed at work after I had become facebook friends with many of my co workers that once they got to know the less quiet, more confident side of Eva there was more delight in our encounters. In fact I even told Wally that one day I noticed after the facebook introduction to my co workers, when I was running into them at work I could tell there was this look of expectation on their face. They saw me and were ready to be entertained by a story, funny comment or something.
It's actually a really strange feeling to have people act that way, and to know it was just from them seeing a little piece of yourself exposed in a realatively unreal place.
Of course with every positive there's a negative and I am now noticing or imagining my personality getting 'old' and grating on people's nerves. Perhaps why my friend deleted me.
Right now I am awaiting the completion of my Compasio 5K Fundraiser and probably my Garage sale fundraiser before pressing the morbid 'deactivation' button. (It is great for fundraising and I still have a ways to go).
I am both dreading it and looking forward to it. I guess I should work on getting e-mail addresses of those I do like to stay in touch with. I hope this will give my good friends and I a chance to really communicate and make more of an effort ot stay in touch - I seriously could make a living out of doing coffee.
I'm not saying I'm staying off of facebook forever - we'll see. But I am definitely taking a good long break from it.
The facebook world will never be the same ;)
Could you?
A world where you don't know what's happening in every one's lives around you? A world where you can't, with a few clicks of the mouse, know the low down on who's in what relationship, where some one's working or who's having a baby when.
Oh facebook.
I have big and very mixed feelings about this little virtual world.
I've talked to a handful of people that have at different times taken matters into their own hands and detached themselves from the drama that is facebook.
Most of them have taken LOAs (leave of absence)from it, few have fully committed to leaving it completely.
When asked why they have said 'It's just too much. Too much drama, miscommunication, and honestly I was addicted.'
I totally get it. I am a facebook-aholic.
I am the one who updates their status at least twice a day. I am the one who says more than they should. I am the one who gets misunderstood often. I am the one who's had friends delete them out of the blue.
Now I will tell you straight up honestly I am not someone who really gets all twelve year old girl like and worries about losing facebook friends pretending I was BFFs with everyone of them. I understand and appreciate when someone needs to make the right decision for themselves and 9 times out of 10 you weren't really friends anyways.
Recently though I noticed someone who up until lately I had been very very close with that was no longer on my list. I thought maybe that person just deleted their account but then saw that they were still friends with other mutual friends. This is still someone in my life so it wasn't a matter of 'oh they were just getting rid of the extras and really keeping the close ones'. I'm guessing there was more to the story.
Anyhow, this, along with my great addiction has got me seriously preparing to dislodge myself from the facebook society. If I'm that annoying or over the top that I'm shooing real friends away (or at least I thought they were) maybe it's time to cut the cord. (Not to mention the fact that if you have relatives that are already annoyed by you this just gives them 10 times the ammunition).
Maybe the friendship was done anyways and that's ok, different seasons require different people, but, why take the gamble.
Were we really meant to know everything about everyone all of the time? No.
Have you had a conversation with a facebook friend that you hadn't actually seen face to face in months? The conversation is like this:
'Hi! How have you been? (doesn't wait for you to answer) I see you went on a trip. It looked amazing!'
'Yeah it really was.' You say.
Pause...
You offer 'So you're getting married in Cuba? That's nice. In June eh? I hope you enjoy!'
They reply 'Yeah, so and so's annoying though, we had to kick them out of the bridal party.'
'Oh that's too bad.'
More weird silence.
You're 'friend' says 'Well, I better go. It was great to chat, we should do coffee sometime!'
'Yeah, right. See ya!' Then you feel relieved the run in is over.
I won't lie the benefits of facebook for me have far outweighed the cons for the most part. I've connected with people I would never have known otherwise, made and deepened friendships with people that I would never know now had I not been able to find them or have free access to bug them.
I even noticed at work after I had become facebook friends with many of my co workers that once they got to know the less quiet, more confident side of Eva there was more delight in our encounters. In fact I even told Wally that one day I noticed after the facebook introduction to my co workers, when I was running into them at work I could tell there was this look of expectation on their face. They saw me and were ready to be entertained by a story, funny comment or something.
It's actually a really strange feeling to have people act that way, and to know it was just from them seeing a little piece of yourself exposed in a realatively unreal place.
Of course with every positive there's a negative and I am now noticing or imagining my personality getting 'old' and grating on people's nerves. Perhaps why my friend deleted me.
Right now I am awaiting the completion of my Compasio 5K Fundraiser and probably my Garage sale fundraiser before pressing the morbid 'deactivation' button. (It is great for fundraising and I still have a ways to go).
I am both dreading it and looking forward to it. I guess I should work on getting e-mail addresses of those I do like to stay in touch with. I hope this will give my good friends and I a chance to really communicate and make more of an effort ot stay in touch - I seriously could make a living out of doing coffee.
I'm not saying I'm staying off of facebook forever - we'll see. But I am definitely taking a good long break from it.
The facebook world will never be the same ;)
'More time to myself'
I was spending some time with a friend the other day and that phrase came out of her mouth.
For some reason it struck me. Really struck me.
I'm not really sure why exactly. Maybe because that seems to be what every one (including myself) is running around in life trying to do.
The thing is .... really, who else does it belong to?
When I hear that phrase and think of my own 'time to myself' I immediately melt into a puddle of ahhhhhhhh.
What does it mean?
For me it's a gluttonous act of whatever I feel like. It could be reading a book in silence, eating my favourite snack alone, going to the book store (oh my goodness bookstores!!!!) just to look around, hoping I have money I forgot about living in my purse.
I means having nothing to do that I don't want to do, in otherwaords spending my time on me without any guilt what-so-ever.
I can only imagine how much the value of this experience goes up when you have children.
Is it a North American or Western thing to want time to yourself? Is it 'normal' to hope for or expect? Or is it something we used to have back int he day that got lost in the bustle of trying to achieve more than necessary in a shorter period of time?
I don't know the answer but I know that it's not a statement I want to have to say very often.
I think it's like hoping you'll get just one more gasp of air while fighting waves in the middle of an ocean. At least often that's how it feels when you are saying it. I know, I used to say it more often, and I still think it more than I should.
Could you imagine a life where we loved everything we did? Where we never longed for more of any good thing? Where we knew our limits?
Last night while out with that same friend I ordered a drink from Starbucks. the ladies who made it warned of great pleasure from it. They didn't lie.
I don't remember if there's ever been a time, at least not in my recent history, that I've enjoyed something so much.
I drank about an inch out of the grande cup and honestly felt like I'd taken so much enjoyment out of it thus far I needed no more. In fact I wondered if having more would ruin it.
Let me tell you, in the realm of tasting that's not something I experience often or maybe ever. It was almost a holy moment.
I savoured every taste for at least the first quarter of the drink. I would pick it up, hold it in my hands, feel the warmth. Then I'd stare at the artificial-but-who-cares whipped cream on top, and the perfectly drizzled caramel sauce on top in wonder.
I'd slowly bow my head towards the drink, close my eyes and let the white foam touch my lips adding a coolness. Then I'd tip the cup ever so gently forward so that the pool of hidden goodness under the sea of cream would invade my taste buds and flood my mouth.
Oh. My. Goodness. It was so wonderful.
I don't often enjoy something so much I want to take it slow. That pretty much applies to everything in my life. Once I know what I like I want to go after it full throttle so that I can just enjoy my new discovery.
This drink was different. It slowed me down and kept me in the moment of it's greatness. By doing so it enveloped me, slowed time and heightened every sense. It was good.
In a life that seems impossible to enjoy every moment or even catch a moment to enjoy maybe we should try to just take a couple each day to just sit still and absorb. Maybe some days they'll be rich with flavour, maybe some days they'll be a little flat and watered down. But I think we are hear to learn how to thirst for both at different times.
That all being said 'More time to myself' never seems like a chore to endure.
Does it?
Drink up whatever moment that you have today.
For some reason it struck me. Really struck me.
I'm not really sure why exactly. Maybe because that seems to be what every one (including myself) is running around in life trying to do.
The thing is .... really, who else does it belong to?
When I hear that phrase and think of my own 'time to myself' I immediately melt into a puddle of ahhhhhhhh.
What does it mean?
For me it's a gluttonous act of whatever I feel like. It could be reading a book in silence, eating my favourite snack alone, going to the book store (oh my goodness bookstores!!!!) just to look around, hoping I have money I forgot about living in my purse.
I means having nothing to do that I don't want to do, in otherwaords spending my time on me without any guilt what-so-ever.
I can only imagine how much the value of this experience goes up when you have children.
Is it a North American or Western thing to want time to yourself? Is it 'normal' to hope for or expect? Or is it something we used to have back int he day that got lost in the bustle of trying to achieve more than necessary in a shorter period of time?
I don't know the answer but I know that it's not a statement I want to have to say very often.
I think it's like hoping you'll get just one more gasp of air while fighting waves in the middle of an ocean. At least often that's how it feels when you are saying it. I know, I used to say it more often, and I still think it more than I should.
Could you imagine a life where we loved everything we did? Where we never longed for more of any good thing? Where we knew our limits?
Last night while out with that same friend I ordered a drink from Starbucks. the ladies who made it warned of great pleasure from it. They didn't lie.
I don't remember if there's ever been a time, at least not in my recent history, that I've enjoyed something so much.
I drank about an inch out of the grande cup and honestly felt like I'd taken so much enjoyment out of it thus far I needed no more. In fact I wondered if having more would ruin it.
Let me tell you, in the realm of tasting that's not something I experience often or maybe ever. It was almost a holy moment.
I savoured every taste for at least the first quarter of the drink. I would pick it up, hold it in my hands, feel the warmth. Then I'd stare at the artificial-but-who-cares whipped cream on top, and the perfectly drizzled caramel sauce on top in wonder.
I'd slowly bow my head towards the drink, close my eyes and let the white foam touch my lips adding a coolness. Then I'd tip the cup ever so gently forward so that the pool of hidden goodness under the sea of cream would invade my taste buds and flood my mouth.
Oh. My. Goodness. It was so wonderful.
I don't often enjoy something so much I want to take it slow. That pretty much applies to everything in my life. Once I know what I like I want to go after it full throttle so that I can just enjoy my new discovery.
This drink was different. It slowed me down and kept me in the moment of it's greatness. By doing so it enveloped me, slowed time and heightened every sense. It was good.
In a life that seems impossible to enjoy every moment or even catch a moment to enjoy maybe we should try to just take a couple each day to just sit still and absorb. Maybe some days they'll be rich with flavour, maybe some days they'll be a little flat and watered down. But I think we are hear to learn how to thirst for both at different times.
That all being said 'More time to myself' never seems like a chore to endure.
Does it?
Drink up whatever moment that you have today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)