Sunday, June 27, 2010

Retreatville Day 2/4

It’s almost 9:30pm on my second night. The time has whipped by far quicker than I thought it would.

After my round of solitaire I enjoyed an hour long nap. When I woke up I went back to Gloryland for my final journey, it was grand. I then decided I needed to get out again. I perused my trusty map and got an idea of somewhere I could possibly park the car and go for a nice long walk.

Once again I made a last minute turn that shocked the car behind me and I veered towards my destination. I found a spot where several other cars were parked on the side of the road near a couple of small baseball fields filled with little kids and their parents. (I later wished I’d stayed to watch them play after my walk, there’s something about watching little kids do sports). I grabbed my MP3 player, my keys, my camera and cell phone (thought I’d be wise this time seeing as I was navigating myself around a foreign town). I threw my purse in the trunk and off I walked.

I walked for about 15 minutes when I came upon a street called ‘Lovers Lane’, took a picture of the sign and decided that was definitely to street I was going to walk down. And I did.

I noticed all of the large immaculately kept homes. Quite the sight to see. I enjoyed peeking through bushes and peering past gated fences to see how the people in this neighbourhood lived. Very nicely it appeared.

I walked as far as I could until I ran out of sidewalk then turned back and kept walking in the opposite direction of my car. I got to a bench and noticed I wasn’t all that far from all of the churches I drove past earlier today. I decided it probably wouldn’t be a wise move to try and walk to them since I had already walked 45 minutes and my car was still a good distance away.

Instead I chose to sit on the bench and watch the traffic go by. I really wished the bench was somewhere more secluded and quiet, but it wasn’t so I would try my best to ponder loudly.

I thought about my time away, if I’d made good use of it, if I had anything to take away from it, if I would try this again someday.

I decided I had a very good time, that it didn’t seem long enough but I could take things back with me and try and learn to rest and reflect while at home in the every day.

There was actually a phrase that came to me while I was on my walk. It was: ‘Find the joy in the everyday’.

I thought that was interesting. Surely it’s already on a plaque somewhere, maybe I’ve even heard it before, I don’t know. But it reminded me that all of the things I’ve done while away can be done in some way at home. And, there is always joy somewhere in a situation or the everyday, you just have to look. Maybe it’ll become my new mantra. We’ll see.

I sat on the bench and tried to collect up and organize my thoughts to figure out some great epiphany (because apparently getting confirmation that I am indeed a mother in waiting isn’t enough for me).

I found it difficult. After a while I stopped trying and decided it was time to return to my car.

Once I got home I read on the front porch for a little while, then judged that it was time for me to soak in the tub (seeing as I skipped having a shower this morning, it’s summer, I am a sweater and I guess it seemed logical). I filled it with bubbles then chatted with Wally on the phone for 9 minutes and 38 seconds (you needed to know exact times).

Next I thought it might be a good idea to have another visit with God. I went looking for my journal and could not find it in my room. Rats! I left it in the car and I was in no form to go out and retrieve it.

I then decided to compromise and use the laptop to ‘write’. I learned that it may now be the most natural form for me to use right now in communicating with God.

Seeing as I am now used to typing out my thoughts for the blog it did seem to flow quite well to write out my thoughts to Him on the computer. I know my mother in law would probably have thoughts on this techy style of communication but seeing as I have been communicating more out of the realm of ‘Hey God that’s a cool bug’ or ‘You know God, that person really annoys me’ or just plain ignoring Him altogether, I’m taking the computer as a good starting over point.

My letter was basic, to the point and sort of affectionate. As affectionate as I get. I may share it, I may not. We’ll see.

It’s now the time I normally go to bed but I really wanted to get a movie in tonight. I may start it and just see how it goes. I am really tired.


My Letter… (which I share only because I feel that sometimes we need to understand how basic things can be and how easy it can be to start this conversation. Give it a try sometime.)

Dear God,

Well I’m back again. I feel like I ripped you off a little in this retreat. Did I? I don’t know. I am just not sure how to do all this, but I already mentioned that.

I feel as though perhaps this is becoming an excuse for me to not communicate with you more often. Is it? I don’t want to make promises to you for when I go home like ‘I’ll do this for this amount of time and that for that amount of time’ but I do feel as though I need to make some sort of an effort, you know, considering all you put up with.

I kinda feel like the wife that wants to stay married but doesn’t know if she loves her husband anymore. This is actually probably a good analogy for me to relate to seeing as I have felt this way before and you have healed and brought hope to that situation. Clearly if I give even a little to start with you can do great things with that.

What do you think we should do when we hang out now? Is it any different than before? Should I go to church or home group again? What about Wally? How does it work for us?

God I know life is better with you. I know life is hopeful with you. God I know things are possible with you. Help me.

Am I allowed to listen for you? You know, like I used to. Maybe doing this would be good, just typing it out? Would that be so wrong? It makes me think of you. It makes me remember you.

God, you are more than I could ever deserve. You are … perfect.

I’ll be honest I’m sort of surprised I am saying these things but I’m pretty sure I mean them. You would know best.

I want to get to know you again. With fresh eyes and hopefully an open heart. I won’t lie it scares me a lot. I’m scared of religion, of theology, of confusion. I know to some degree those things are inevitable seeing as I’m human, you are God and I live on earth and humans sort of have issues with these things and stuff.

God, what if I commit to ten minutes a day? I mean it could turn into more somedays and of course that’s the hope but I’m thinking baby steps. I’m scared to fail, to let you down. I’m tired of failing, so tired.

Can you clean my heart please? A nice polish. I’ll do my best to let you do that and guard it from the dirt.

Thank you for the waterfall today. I needed that. It was beautiful. Really beautiful. I could have stood there all day.

Can you open my eyes and show me more? I know it’s all around me. I know it is. But sometimes I let other things get in my view. I want to always see you instead. I think you are pretty handsome.

I wish I could hug you God. I wish I could feel you hug me. I think you do all of the time but I probably don’t notice. Teach me God, how to notice your hugs.

Then of course there’s my family and those around me. I haven’t been great with them. I haven’t loved as well as I know I could. Can you help me with this?

God I want to keep seeing you, if that’s ok. I know that it’s pretty much up to me. Please feel free to remind me of stuff at anytime. I need it.

I love you Papa. I missed you. I don’t want to leave you again. Thank you for not leaving me. You are so great.

P.S. About the mom thing, I can’t do it without you. You know that right? I’m not tryin’ to be bossy but you are gonna have to orchestrate this one because I don’t know what to do. Have fun with it!

Love your daughter,

Eva :)

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