Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My cheatin' heart

Yesterday I woke up in a great mood. That was until I stepped on the scale.

I am only supposed to weigh in once a week. Last week was the first one I had actually followed the 'rule'. Mostly because Dee asks me every time I see him what my weight is at and so I always make sure to tell him. He's also the one that told me I should only weigh in once a week. He's clearly getting old.

I've noticed lately my focus changing a bit. A couple of weeks ago Dee told me I could have one 'cheat' meal a week. This meal would include whatever I wanted for one meal. This also meant a beverage of choice and a dessert.

Before this institution I had trained myself to order healthy stuff on the menu: salad instead of fries, baked instead of fried, veggies instead of starch. I was actually doing very well with this method. I was still able to go out to a restaurant once in a while and I was learning how to deal with this great temptation responsibly.

Going out was still a treat but a healthy one at that. There was no cheating.

I had come a long way actually. I was ordering frozen yogurt rather than ice cream and I didn't feel the pressure to be the judge of whether I could use 'this time' out as a 'cheat'. My motives were clear and trustworthy. That is until the proverbial 'cheat' meal was instituted.

Once Dee gave me permission (as I saw it) to cheat my already impaired judgment become even more disabled.

You're probably wondering how. He laid out the guidelines fairly clearly. Any normal human being would have no problem with this but not me ladies and gentlemen. Not me.

I was asked by a friend the other day why I had placed such lofty goals on myself in the area of my health. It's true, when you tell the average person you are trying to get to 19% body fat they probably do wonder why when you are at a healthy and acceptable weight the way your are.

I thought I'd explained it here but just in case there are others that are wondering maybe I'll give it another whirl.

I know that it doesn't matter how skinny anyone gets, unless they change how they see themselves they will never be 'different'. I grew up seeing myself as fat, unacceptable, and weak all of my life. With good reason. I was fat, people definitely didn't accept me, and physically I was weak.

Since my younger years I have developed a confidence and a fierceness that has ignited a fire within. I fire to go after what I've never had before. What I've never believed possible. I still wonder sometimes if everything I run after is possible.

A few months ago I signed up for training. I told Dee straight away I had no ridiculous ideas that I would become bikini clad or anything of the sort. I had realistic expectations of wanting a healthy, strong body. I also wanted to develop a confidence in the gym that I knew what I was doing so that when the sessions were over I could strive for healthy living for the rest of my life.

Initially my goals were to show up to every session, do what Dee told me to do, and be accountable to him. (I also secretly hoped to get rid of my binging problem too - I was definitely a sugar addict).

After many a conversations with him about his own story and many of those he trained. I realized that the only thing holding me back from going for the gusto of having the best body I could have (without becoming a body builder) is the belief that I could do it.

I have to admit the best incentive I could ever find in life is someone telling me 'you'll never be able to do that'. Well, someone was saying those words to me. Loudly. Clearly. Mockingly. And I would no longer have it.

I decided that I was going to trust Dee and do everything he told me to do. I also had to share with him my secret hope of getting a bikini clad body (even though I had no plans on entering public with that little of material on my body).

Talk about humbling. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would admit this to myself let alone a former pro wrestler, over tanned, muscle bound man.

But I did. I told him I wanted to be that. Not just for the 'skinny' but for everything. For the strength, for the confidence, for glory, and yes also for the 'skinny', though I'll admit it really isn't the main reason. Trust me there are days I'd rather starve myself that eat what's on my menu.

More than anything I want to prove to the person that keeps telling me 'You'll never be able to do that' they are so wrong it's not funny.

That is my biggest incentive ever.

And so when I wake up and my day goes downward due to the fact that it looks like my weight has gone on a hike up Mt. Everest. I have to remind myself I can and I will.

Dee reminds me often that I don't need to always believe in myself but that he will do it for me. He keeps telling me to trust him and the process (oh and accept, accept, accept that this is how you get healthy).

So after a depressing yesterday in this area of my life, I am ready for a renewed today. I am saying good bye to the proverbial cheat meal and I'm going to stop looking for ways to get out of making healthy choices. Instead I shall go through my day looking for ways to stay true to myself and my goals.

Oh yeah, and to that person that keeps telling me I can't do it ... yes I can.

And I will.

(Sometimes telling yourself off is necessary).

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