Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm ba-ack ... Retreatville Day 1

Yes it's true I made it through the past few days no worse for the wear. In fact a tad more enlightened than before I went. Probably more tired than when I left, but it's all good.

Lightning didn't strike me down but I certainly faced a couple of things I've been avoiding, things that I will likely write even more about after I post what I managed to write while away.

Even today as Wally and I returned from our overnight stay in the ci-te (city, only said all french like) and the Persian/Canadian wedding reception we went to (definitely more on that later!!!), I am continuing to have little 'light bulb moments'.

It's kind of strange, while I was away I did not once pick up a health or fitness book/magazine, I didn't once feel the urge to skim through my new healthy food porn (those are my recipe books by the way - yes I took them, don't judge me I've already got it covered).

However as I'm home now my little moments of understanding are actually regarding my new little fitness fetish and all that stuff. More to come with that as well.

Anyways, just thought I'd check in and let you know I wrote often while I was in Retreatville and I have everything ready to post. I figured I'd stagger my posts though throughout the next couple of days. So that it's kind of like you were there with me.

Remember to scroll down cause you never know how anxious I get and when I may post more than expected. I don't want you to miss one then be like 'Holy Crap - what's she talkin' about now?!'

If you were a pray-er, thank you. Miracles did happen.

Big and little.

With a thankful heart,

Eva:)


Here's my first post revealing the beginning evidence of your prayers:



Retreatville Day 1

Well I made it. I arrived to my getaway destination at 3:30pm on the nose after a quick visit with my aunt on the way.

I met my host right off the hop and took care of the business stuff then got a tour of my temporary home.

The first thing I noticed was the vast amount of stuff that filled the house. Lots of d├ęcor and furniture I have only ever seen in magazines. Shawn spoke faster than I could follow and listened a bit less then he spoke.

He was clearly proud of his home and business and had every right to be, all was beautiful.

I was shown all of the guest rooms (even the ones occupied, hmmmm a bit odd), the hot tub, the sheltered out door automatic fire pit thing, the porches, the grand piano (which I may get closer to at some point), the workout room (that I won’t be using as it is temporarily moved to the garage while renovations are happening), and then of course my room.

Once he left me alone I collected all of my things and settled in. The first thing I did was throw my food in the mini fridge then quickly got out the vase I brought to put the roses my in laws bought me for graduation yesterday. Yes, I brought them with me. I figured since I’d be away for three and a half days the flowers would be near death when I arrived home. So I took some … oh what are they called? Those tube things that you fill with water and put on the bottom of the stem, well anyways I did that and brought them all with me so I could still enjoy.

I’m quite sure Shawn thought I was a crazy lady when he spotted me carry in a bunch of roses on my luggage. Oh well, maybe his thoughts are correct.

I set up my flowers and then began taking pictures of my room so I’d remember my spot, you know, in case anything life changing happened.

I believe it was at this point I sat on the big queen sized sleigh bed and wondered what I was to do next.

Hmmmm ...

Nothing to clean. No laundry to catch up on. No ironing to do. No one to call. With a vow not to watch tv that was out of the question. I decided I’d check the internet connection to see if it worked. Not that I would use it or anything.

Well, no dice. There was a connection but I didn’t have the password. I took it as a sign to let it go (and was in no mood to go hunting down Shawn for the answer).

Next, I did what any person in my position would do.

I played a few games of solitaire.

They didn’t go well. At all. So I gave up and moved on to my books, after changing into what would later be my pj’s while I ate my raw veggies. I soon learned that eating cherry tomatoes while reading wasn’t a grand idea. It didn’t turn out well when on the second page I smeared tomato juice all over the paper.

The book I bought was ‘Eat, pray, love’. No doubt you’ve heard of it. I thought it seemed sort of appropriate for the occasion. I wasn’t determined to read it but thought it may be a good possible option. I learned that I think I may be right.

I read for only a little while until I got sleepy. It was only 5:30pm. I thought ‘I’m here to rest, why not have a nap? I’m probably exhausted’. Wally pointed out the other day that I am definitely a huge napper while on vacation. I curled myself under the blankets and closed my eyes.

Then I got hot. Then I realized I wasn’t all that tired. Then I noticed my bladder was beckoning. I got up and used the facilities and decided I was happy that I placed my roses on the bathroom vanity as I had been in there several times already due to the amount of water I was consuming.

While in the bathroom I stood in front of the mirror. For probably 20 minutes. I looked at my face. Then at whatever body parts that stared back at me. Then at my face again.

I did this because Wally told me I should. He said a few days ago that I needed to look at myself in the mirror often and see how beautiful I really am. And to tell myself how great I am. I think in hopes that someday I’ll believe it.

Well I looked in the mirror with other thoughts in mind. It was more so to search myself. To see inside. Maybe to take some inventory. Not an easy task with flesh and bones all in the way.

However I did eventually see something.

What I saw staring back at me was a thirty year old woman who has recently changed a few parts of her life. There was evidence looking back at me. I was proud of that.

At the same time I saw something else though. I saw a few more lines on my fine featured face than I had noticed in a while (one can hope it was the lighting). I saw eyes that were a little tired. I saw hair that was much more me than I had wanted it to be (short and boyish).

There was something else I didn’t want to see too. A girl too scared to face something. Another dream that she’s been too afraid to address. One that she’s tried desperately to run from after life’s dramatic twists and turns.

I saw a mommy.

I saw a mother.

I saw someone’s mom.

The person I saw was hidden a little behind a few other dreams, ones that were more sensible and perhaps more catchable. Perhaps ones that wouldn’t cause so much pain to achieve or even endure. Perhaps ones that couldn’t bring so much joy either.

I’ve been running from this for a while. Running hard.

Until now.

I think I just needed to catch my breath.

Now my chest hurts a little. Maybe from over exertion. Maybe from other things. Damn.

Sometimes looking in the mirror is hard because you see something you don’t want to accept. A challenge you don’t think you can overcome, or a challenge you know you can but have never had the guts to try.

I’m someone’s mom already. I see it in my eyes.

Damn.

Dee told me it’s all about acceptance. But I don’t think this is what he was referring to.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT??????

I'm SOOOOOOO happy for you! I know a little of what you mean since I've been afraid to start down that road myself; Afraid of the hurt if things didn't work out, afraid of losing my comfy lifestyle, afraid of the unknown, so I know a little of how big this decision is! I think you'd be an awesome mom, and Wally would be an amazing dad. This is something I definitely want to hear about in person!!!

Love Bex :) :) :)

tessa said...

I can't wait to read more! You totally inspire me to do things I would never think about.