Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Accepting the Unacceptable

I've been harping on this acceptance thing for a while now.

My last post was actually intended to be this one but I guess because of all of the mommy talk I felt the need share a successful story of acceptance rather than the unsuccessful story I am struggling with right now.

I mentioned the conversation Dee had with me a while back regarding the fact that I needed to accept the fact that living this healthy life style (i.e. exercise and good eating) was permanent (that is if I wanted to keep my new relatively fit body I was and am still working on).

At the time when he said 'You haven't accepted this yet. You are still looking for easier ways to get to where you want to be. There are no easier ways - ACCEPT IT!!'

Since then several weeks have passed by and I had felt that I was doing better with this 'acceptance' thing. I was doing my own research, buying ingredients I'd never heard tell of before, getting more than my prescribed amount of exercise, I was doing great ... I thought. Until I chatted with Dee last week...

He was all fired up it seemed as we talked, he once again announced that he was really scared that I was not ready to do this thing on my own. 'You still haven't accepted it. I am so worried you are going to fall back into your old ways. Look at how far you've come and the results you've gotten, you can't even see it! You need to realize that you've made progress and changed so much of your life and stop seeing yourself as not good enough!'.

I looked at him in disbelief. I didn't understand. I had made all of these changes this was true. He was right about me not really seeing the magnitude of my results, but what does that matter? I was expecting to have lost my dream goal weight in the first twelve weeks and because I didn't see that I missed the bigger picture of my muscle growth, my strength increase and my overall change in health and lifestyle. I have done well. But in my head I always add 'But I could've done better' and 'I still have a long way to go'. Apparently these aren't things a healthy minded individual should be saying.

I have begged Dee to tell me how to 'Accept', I've asked him over and over what I need to do differently, how I can change my thinking because I desperately want a healthy mind about this just as much as a healthy body.

He tells me he can't answer this for me, that I have to figure it out.

The other night in a text conversation when I had finally had a huge 'light bulb moment' and realized that Dee was right, I have yet to accept this new life and the progress I've made, Dee gave it to me straight. He said either you do the work or you don't. He told me that I could quit like most people or I could go after what I wanted, it was as simple as that.

His words stung but he was right.

Let me back track a bit to how I finally figured out I had not yet accepted the healthy life...

Wally and I were coming home from Persian love fest 2010 and I suggested we get a double chocolate chip frappuccino from Starbucks (because you know, that's clean eating). I was getting crazy about it, ready to hold him up with ... well I had nothing to threaten with but my bare hands, they would work.

I later suggested we go out for lunch on the way home as well. We did neither and by the time we were home I'd convinced myself that I didn't need to do either unjust act to my body and I was ready to make a 'clean' meal for our lunch.

Then I got struck out of no where by an acceptance lightning bolt.

I realized what Dee meant. He was right. I was/am still looking for ways to beat the system of the cheat meal (by, you know, making it a cheat day, or substituting my cheat drink for the other half of the cheat cake I was having for my cheat dessert). I am still looking for ways to cheat 'clean' living. And I was most certainly not accepting this whole system of eating right and exercise for life, evidenced by more 'one last whatevers' than any death row prisoner could ever dream of!

If every 'one last' snack, treat, or greasy meal I've had in the past couple of years was counted up there would likely be enough food to feed a small village for a year - of course they probably wouldn't live through the first six months as they would all have heart attacks and die, but you get the idea.

I am the queen of 'Tomorrow I'll start'. Even in my blog description I believe I state that 'Mondays are never far away'. If that doesn't spell denial I don't know what does.

Now I sit here with frustration mixed with determination to overcome this incredible life long battle filled with misbeliefs, disbeliefs, confusion and defeated spirit over and over again.

I am so fired up and so determined that I don't care if it takes me the rest of my life, I am tired of food controlling my happiness. I'm tired of food being the highlight of my day and the excitement of my tomorrow. I desperately want to be free. I think more than anything else I just want to be free from food guiding me around like I'm a lovesick puppy dog and giving me nothing but sadness in the end.

I think often my negative self image gets mixed up with my lust for food and how I use it to feed my soul. Yes I want to look good (and it's a challenge when my eyes seem to have blurred vision - figuratively speaking, I guess literally too). I want a healthy body too. But most of all I think I am desperately searching for a healthy soul free from the torment of food. Food is a gift to be enjoyed not to feel guilty over.

Wow. I feel pretty naked and ugly right now. I sound so terrible. But, at the same time this is truly me. These are my struggles, uglies and all. Sorry, should have warned you.

At the end of my text conversation with Dee the other day, in my duress I told him I just didn't want to be a 'fake wannabe'.

To which he replied 'You are as real as it gets'.

Sometimes I wonder if my 'realness' is a good thing. But like or not I am and I can only hope that through this openess to face my uglies I can grow into something more beautiful - inside and out.

Or perhaps just begin to believe what's already there.

By the way, I plan on indeed starting another blog to help me work this healthy stuff out. Truly it's for me but if you want a front row seat to me in the process of 'accepting' feel free to sit and watch ... or read. I'm sure it'll be entertaining.

1 comment:

Stacy said...

Does your clean eating involve organic produce? If not we should talk :)