What's happening ...

It's been a while!

I think I've been pouring my extra time into reading. I'm nearing the end of a book my friend lent me called 'The Birth House' by Ami McKay. I've found that it really pulled me in and this past week I've hardly been able to put it down. In fact on days that I've gone to the gym early and had time before my work shift (after showering and getting ready at the gym), I've taken my book to a park and read for 1/2 and hour. I feel spoiled that my life is that carefree. It won't be forever though.

Hmmmmm what's been on the go this week?

Today I was finally supposed to have the garage sale for Compasio but it was supposed to thunderstorm (90%). Now I'm sitting at the window looking at dry pavement and a threatening sky. This is the second cancellation I've done in 2 weeks. Clearly I'm not a die hard garage sale buff. Oh well, we'll get it done.

In other fund raising news. We are now at $4415,00 raised plus a jar full of money. I'm going to say $4500. I was hoping the garage sale would push us to the half way point and I'm confident it will when it finally happens. I am kind of in awe that we've raised nearly $5000. That's a lot of money in Thailand and for a charity (at least I think). I won't lie. I'm very proud of the vision I've had and the work so many have put into it supporting me. It's really cool. Way cooler than if we'd just raised to pay our way there. I am so glad that we chose to fund it ourselves - it felt and feels so right.

10 K stuff: Well I've done well to stick fairly closely to the training plan only switching up rest days. I'm choosing to go in an hour and do my long run of the week a day early and praying it goes well. Other than that I have actually enjoyed the training and not felt overwhelmed. Of course I could be speaking too soon!

I have learned that what I've been preaching about food being the made cornerstone with weight loss results to be true. I haven't' weighted myself as I know that's not truly the measuring point for me (which is eat clean = I've done good, no matter what the number is), and my clothes. I have not been doing great in those regards but am trying very hard to allow myself room to learn and grow.

I read somewhere this week about a fitness model who preps for things and has said that when she got into the best shape of her life she was never able to use the same method again and expect the same results. A light bulb went on in my head and I really became aware of how it's really about learning along the way not just about the end result. So I'm trying ot learn.

Work is going alright. I'm happy to say that I'm getting used to having weekends off. In fact I love the stable schedule and the relief it's bringing to my work and our life. I am really noticing, after the year and a half I've been at my work, the bonds I beginning to be able to make with te people I support regularly and how much better I know them than I ever did before.

I understand that when you train with someone there's no way to know someone for reall after 2 or 3 training shifts but I'm just astounded at the fact that it's taken over a year to feel truly comfortable and knowing in the decisions I help people make. I sometimes see other staff with 'my' people (notice the quotes) and I want to explain to them a few things (of course I know EVERYTHING *sarcasm intended*). I want to say 'she's having a tantrum for attention, please ignore her pretending to be sick on the floor'. But one has to be careful how much they parade around their seemingly bossy side.

I will be honest unlike some staff I have few people I feel as though I know well enough to say 'Do this! Do that!'. I don't like how many DSWs have no issue with walking into some one's life and abusing their power and begin ordering people around like nothing. I struggle with waiting too long to do this, but I'm completely ok with that. I'd rather take time to know the person and their needs before assuming one of them is me ordering them around (and yes, that is a need for a few people).

In other, other news ... tomorrow I'm going off facebook for a long time (so at least a couple of months, which is my definition of long). I am dreading and looking forward to this all at the same time. I may be blogging a lot more!

I am also continuing to look for a running partner to complete my 10 K goal with. I really want to take the opportunity to do a real run but I know myself and that I'll only do something like that with the prompting of another. I'm going to continue to look for someone.

Something else: Wally and I are actually going to church tomorrow. Something we've never actually done here in our city since we moved. Should be interesting. I'm trying to keep accountable to A-bag for this. Our home church is dissolving for the summer so we thought we'd give this church thing a try. We'll see!

I just finished knitting my first pair of socks this week. Only to find out they're too small for me. I guess there's something called a gauge you're supposed to do something about. Oh well, my mother in law will get them for her birthday!

I am still waiting a bit longer to share our little project news. Soon I think, soon!

I better get going. I look forward to writing more soon (or maybe having something to write about).

Til next time! Cheers!

10K or bust!!

Wow! What a difference a week makes with some sunshine!!

I'm feeling much more 'on the go' and myself since spring, or rather summer has made an appearance (does Srping really come in Ontario?).

Along with the thing I can't share at the moment I've been up to figuring out another goal and setting it to paper.

After some time after completing my 5K goal I have indeed decided to go after my 10 K goal. AFter much research and reading I have found (what I hope is) a good training plan for it that incorporates both running and weight training.

I've also decided that while I'm training for it clean eating will be on the menu to help fuel the fire (hopefully!) I feel like incorporating clean eating with this bigger goal of going back to weight training AND furthering my running distance it would help immensely and give me more accountability as well.

I also am pairing my running goal with going off of facebook until I have a chieved my goal. Not only will it give be the decent break I've been really wanting from it but also probably a little incentive as well to get through it. No facebook until I'm done.

Though I am beginning my training this week, today actually, I am not going off of facebook until next Sunday due to using FB to advertise the Compassio garage sale fundraiser on Saturday.

I feel REALLY good about the whole idea of this goal and know that as I go after it I will feel a great sense of accompliment as I reach it. The program is 11 weeks but I am thinking I won't actually do the 10 K until the fall, maybe september. I would really love to find a running partner just to run the actual race (my first real one) with me. If I don't I will still be happy with the idea of completing 10 K where ever that is.

I won't lie I feel a little fearful of being able to do all of the training my program requires and sticking to everything as there are 6 days of training out of seven in the week including 3 runs, 2 cross trainings, and I plan on 3 weight training sessions as well. It should be interesting.

I plan on going lighter with the weights and adding weight slowly since I do have a decent foundation in this area and my goal is running distance not huge muscle growth. We'll see what happens.

I really want to see this goal happen because it's going beyond what I ever imagined myself doing and will get me into good overall condition. I am looking forward to it.

I have struggled greatly with my eating in the past few months and this has caused great disappointment as well. Honestly I feel good when I avoid processed foods and especially when I avoid eating anything to excess but that hasn't been the case. Though I have had a weight gain that isn't my concern really, it's the lack fo a healthy lifestyle and relationship with food.

Now it's so easy for me to focus on my failures and how I feel as though I've 'fallen' in this area but I must remember all the things I've learned, the things that have stuck with me and the truths as well.

Life really is a journey (I'm so tired of that cliche, but it is true).

I need to learned how to wrestle fairly with the journey and not give up. To win some and be happy and to lose some and learn new ways of how to win next time.

10 K here I come!

A few things ...

I have to say, I'm doing much better than my last post :).

I made it through my week, though missing a couple of main stay friends. I'm noticing that sometimes it's really good to lose what you're used to for a little while (note the little while part) because it really does make you apppreaciate what you have.

I'm not sure if it's due to the beautiful weather but for the most part I've had the best week I can remember having for a long time.

Work went really well, I started a new cleaning job (I know I'm crazy) and I actually enjoyed it a lot. It was time to think on my own, make extra money, and listen to a couple podcosts that made me think a little more. I didn't even notice the extra long work day.

A few things have popped up this week that have given me lots to think on.

Wally and I have pondered quite a bit about the idea of beginning a church relationship again. We decided a while back that this was a very important part of our lives that is missing and we need it. I think we are finally ready to go find it again.

I did some searching on the internet and e-mailing and then shared a phone call. There's potential that we may go back to my old home church. It just really sucks that the group we could attend breaks for the summer and the one that meets throughout the summer is on a night that I work everyweek. We'll have to figure it out and make a point to make some connections at least of some relationships that maybe we can nurture in the mean time.

There's another big thing that we've stepped into this week, sort of 'out of no where' but really not. I would love to talk about it more but I think I have to wait a little bit longer.

Aaaaaaand, I've decided to go ahead and do my personal training certification for sure (I can't believe I'm saying that!).

I will admit I fell like much of a fraud considering I've gained a few pounds, taken a break from it and have not been strict with my clean eating as of late. But, I realized the other day that whether or not I'm 'perfect' in those things it's still a dream I want to fulfill (and who knows, maybe having a goal like that will inspire me to be more committed to a lifestyle that ultimately makes me feel really good not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well).

I'm not sure what exactly has inspired these things to come to the forefront of my mind. I know our visit with A-bag last week really reminded us about how important the spiritual part of our lives are.

I know that a recent conversation and acceptance of what God has placed on our hearts urged us with the second item.

Seeing someone I support speak out their own dreams and goals has reminded me of what mine are and that sometimes whether you feel able or not to do or be what you dream about it's up to you to be true to that dream and do your part to make it happen. I really don't want to live with regrets.

Wally sent me an article the other day that reminded me of how I came to feel so strongly about living life as fully as possible. Here's the link:

http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

Read it, give it some thought, see what you would do differently. If anything.

Just think.

Good byes VS See you laters

I hate when people I love move away.

I just plain hate it.

I am certainly learning (and should have by now) that life is really mostly made up of, what seems to be, a few hellos and a lot of good byes.

It probably seems that way because when you meet someone they aren't really someone to you yet. They are often just another face along your day. Sometimes you barely notice them, sometimes you barely like them and sometimes you think 'hmmmmm we could be friends' (or when I was sixteen if the person I met was a nice fella within a decade of myself older I thought 'Hmmmmmm I wonder if you're THE one?')/

As time has trudged on (without necessarily getting my permission) I have come to realize that good byes (or see you laters) are never easy.

I've seen that growing apart from another person, slowly and unoticably(at first) seems to be the most merciful to your soul, it still holds it's own sting.

And though there are relationships you know you'll hold forever it's never easy to hug not knowing when you'll meet again.

I've also learned that often when you part you'll grow stronger than you ever could have if you were closer together (hmmmmm, kind of like when you plant a garden).

My closest far away friend moved a couple of years after Wally and I were married. At the time when she told me that she'd met this guy I knew what her next words would be. I cried. 'The guy' was from Michigan. How dare he. Steal my friend.

Well I got another year with her before she left. I don't think I was smart enough to make the most of it by any means but perhaps for a reason. When she moved she lived across the border a couple of hours away and we stayed in touch.

A few years later during a visit she shared that she was pregnant AND they were moving .... to a land far far away called Florida. I cried again.

But it seemed that the further she moved the closer we actually got. We had our ups and downs (and by that I don't mean fights, mostly just times of feeling more close than others). I will admit on my end I wondered if our friendship would last. It's not always easy watching someone else live the life you want or being able to identify with that life when yours is so very different.

We kept on it though and still shared an open, honest and in my opinion wonderful friendship. I hate that I cant' be there for her physically for when she needs help and that we have to schedule so carefully around our lives to chat ... but as they say... that's life.

That friendship though is a prime example of how some friendships can thrive with distance (if cared for). Both of us agree that it wouldn't be the relationship it is if she hadn't moved away.

Yesterday I said good bye to my best college friend. She's someone I 'get' and who is my kind of honest. She's flighty but caring, young but smart. She's been through more in her 21 years than I could have ever imagined at that age. I love her very much.

She's not moving far but far enough for me to wonder if we'll connect ever again. It may sound like I'm doubting the strength of our friendship, but I'm not. I just don't know if it was created with the purpose of a forever kind.

It's when I realize that that I feel that lump grow in my throat. Not because I'll necessarily miss her in my life on a day to day basis but more as the realization that possibly her purpose in my life has been fulfilled. And, it could be true that we never connect the same again. But that's ok. We have other people to touch and help grow.

It's still sometimes sad to say good bye to that part of your life.

My aunt's passing was the greatest lesson I've ever experienced in the realm of good byes. Knowing that I would never see her face again (on earth), never hear her laugh, never have one of though 'heart to heart' chats a girl can only have with a woman 20 years older than herself.

It was then I had to face the kind of good bye that is more like a 'see you later' only with a very, very (what seems to be) long wait til the later part. I am thankful for my faith and just as much for hers. I have no doubts we will meet again (I do recommend 'Heaven is for Real' for anyone sort of on the fence ... and the Bible works too - I'm not the best thumper).

Along with the good bye I had to say to her I also had to come to terms with the fact that living good byes (the ones when you part expecting to see and connect with one another again but may not realize for years that you won't ever) are sometimes the hardest ones there are.

When I said 'See you later' to my aunt I knew that was it. When you say good bye to a close friend without knowing where life is taking either one of you that is hard. Really, really hard.

This brings me to Glo. I've talked a lot about Glo and our unexpected friendship. It's one that seemed to birth out of a deep mutual respect and enjoyment of one another. I was always just as honoured and excited as she was to spend our time together. We both admitted that we were always so happy when the other actual wanted to spend time with us (hopefully you get that).

This week Glo out of town and our schedules didn't line up for our regular 3 or 4 usual visits during the week of hang out time at the gym, cooking in the kitchen or doing something new. It's funny because I sensed that I was beginning to take our time for granted as of late, it was confirmed when I learned Glo would be away for the week (or part of it). I realized it would be empty. As I thought of it last night I cried on my way home from work.

Glo leaves for Holland in 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure the sunshine is going to go with her.

I know, I sound like a wreck. I'll probably be one by mid July and into August, September, October, November, December and until she comes home.

You know what though. My greatest fear isn't her leaving, it's whatever life has in store from us that will grow us and change us. Sometimes we aren't meant to have the same friends forever. Sometimes we cant' grow properly if we do.

I think both Glo and I would argue for hours that we are meant beyond a doubt to be friends for always and I truly pray that is true. But there's always a little bit o me that has developed since my aunts passing that knows only time will dictate how we are able to care for and hold onto what we have.

Will be be given the strength and understanding to keep things strong? Are we meant to be friends for years to come? Will we be stronger the further away we are from one another? Or was friendship only meant for us for only a season, to feed each other's spirits, to encourage and inspire one another during a time we really needed it?

That's the hardest part about a good bye. Not knowing if it's good bye or see you later.

Thank goodness Glo's still here. Hopefully knowing I'm not intending this to be the obituary of our friendship but rather me getting out my greatest fear so that I can make room for a wonderful dream of hope.

What do I hope for in this friendship?

Fun cards, endless e-mails, excited phone calls, deep conversations, honest emotions, 'We're having a baby!', 'So am I!', 'We're coming to visit!', 'I'm moving to a wonderful town not too far away!'.

That's what I want.

That's what I hope for.

Yes I'm sniffling like a baby.

Or ... a little girl who's losing one of her closest friends right now. Even though she will surely be saying 'See you later!'

Dream a little dream with me

Right now is the perfect moment.

It's raining hard. There's rumbling of thunder. My favourite dogs is on my lap (incidentally he almost took out my laptop to run from the outside weather, even though we're inside).

I've had a good day. Maybe even a great day. Laundry almost done. Mulching of the front gardens done. Clean kabobs d.one on the bbq (that turned out pretty good), a couple clean treats made and enjoyed. I went through most of my kitchen cupboards to rearrange and get rid of a few things in order to try and make room on the counter in order to make prepping food easier. Wally actually came in at one point and asked if we were moving out (since I had hidden many of the usual contraptions in the cupboards and it looked so clear).

We also had our first visit with my newest little second cousin. She's a doll. She laughed a lot at our doggies. Apparently her parents said that she hadn't laughed that much ever. It was cute.

It's been a good day.

Yesterday Wally and I met my fried A-bag for lunch and coffee. He finally finished up some travelling first in Thailand, then Israel and finally in Holland. He was the one person we knew while visiting Thailand. It was great to reconnect again before he leaves for whatever adventure awaits him next.

A-bag is one of those people I would have no problem asking questions of. I don't really have to worry if I'll offend or sound stupid, I can just ask anyway.

Yesterday A-bag was the one asking the questions. The one that caught my attention most? 'So, do you have any plans or dreams for the future?' (I'm paraphrasing but the part that grabbed me was the dream reference).

It got me thinking ...

Of course I have dreams. I mean I complain about them to whoever reads quite often. But I think A-bag was asking something bigger than that, or at least I was feeling something tug at me bigger than that.

Last fall I had what is called a PATH done. I shared with you all some of my dreams in those regards: buying a house, fundraising $10 000, going to Thailand, becoming a personal trainer, living a healthy lifestyle, writing, speaking to encourage others (like to the masses *giggle*), and of course adopting and/or having children.

In many ways I've treated the process like a check list.

House - check, trip - check, fundraising - half check, writing - three quarters of a check, living a healthy lifestyle - some days check/some days ex, speaking to encourage others - forgot about that one, becoming a personal trainer - too embarrassed to admit this one, adopting/having children - doing my part in some ways/preparing to do my part in others.

I guess what I'm saying is I've turned many of my dreams into a 'To do' list and have lost some of the magic along the way.

It's like when you want to have the perfect Christmas family day only you are uptight about the turkey being too dry, the gravy tasting bland, the gift wrap getting picked up, the kids being well behaved so much so that you didn't take time to enjoy and share all of these great things.

When A-bag originally asked what was new and how life was I felt so incredibly dead. 'Nothing's new really. Life is fine.'

That's so not my style. Or at least not how I want my style to be.

It's got me thinking that maybe it's ok to always keep dreaming, to keep discovering new things and new people.

I've felt a real sense of nothingness (I know that's not a word) since after our trip. I don't remember feeling so empty really.

I feel quite challenged lately surrounding God stuff, and 'community' (not the show, even though I do thinks it's AWESOME). At the same time I (we) have wondered how is best to find a sense of community.

We have looked into a church since meeting with A-bag yesterday we are seeing how we can get reconnected with that area of our lives. As I spoke with someone tonight I shared how people don't seem to have time to do 'community', to just spend time together anymore. I vented slightly regarding my frustration over the fact that everyone is too busy for each other (I cannot disclude myself completely and no I don't think disclude is a word but it should be).

Anyways, I guess what I'm getting at is that Wally and I are working on somehow finding a place to call home and people to call family (in a not biological sense). I believe beyond needing it we are called to have it. To be recipients of it and givers to it.

I have missed this for too long and I would love to have it back.

Back to the dreaming thing .... I also think I may give myself some homework this week. To spend an hour or so making my dream world. Just for fun. When do we ever do that anyways?

I want my kids to be dreamers. Best way to do that is learn how to be one myself.

I'll share what I come up with ;)

The week overviewed

Observations from this week, in a nutshell ...

* there is no such thing as 'clear' depoderant. It's quite obvious that the commercials are just a scam.

* the mice in the attic are having a scratching good time up there. I wonder if they have their own tv show.

* I thinnk it's werid when my stomach sounds like creaky floor boards

* I miraculously finished knitting my first sock this week (with 4 needles!!). Not I'm addicted.

* I learned that for every day I leave my gardens (it's not 3 weeks overdue) it have the potential to overtake the world. The good news is by leaving it to grow I've been able to see plants I would have confused with weeds early on to come to flower, causing me NOT to dig them up.

* Eating clean is actually a lot easier to stick to when you learn how to cook and are willing to try new things. It's all a matter of learning.

* Sometimes I want to punch overly positive people who forget thatsometimes people are just going through a hard time in the face. Not to be mean, just to help me cope. Hopefully I remember what this feels like when I get annoyingly positive on people, so that I don't turn into the punchee.

* Looking in the mirror is a real struggle for me. Learning to accept myself as I am so I can concentrate on taking care of what I've been given isn't easy. I'm determined to learn.

* I'm not sure where 'home' is. But I want to go there.

* I think of Bee often.

* In a strange way my faith has been sparked through a book I'm reading called 'Heaven is for real'. More on this to come....

Breakfast and beyond

Burnt toast. Fried egg. Oatmeal that's been dropped on the floor.

Ok so I'm not really talking about breakfast....

These are the adjectives I would use to describe how I'm feeling right now.

I know, I know. Squeaky, annoying wheel.

You don't HAVE to read.

Tonight Glo was over and we were doing our own 'Collective Kitchen' with clean eating. What's Collective Kitchen? It's something we do at work for people we support so that they have good home cooked meals that are from scratch (mostly) and already made to put in the freezer and eat through out the month.

Usually they take home several days worth of soup, several good dinners, several servings of a casserole, some burritos, and muffins.

Tonight was our second try at it after a very successful first go. I soon learned that it's probably not a great idea to attempt a long list of cooking (some stuff for the first time), after a long flurried day of work, while being a self proclaimed stress bag, in a small rather disorganized kitchen.

Half way through I almost had a meltdown, inwardly at least. After both of us seriously questioning our virgin attempt at pinto beans and rice, we gave up on the idea of pressing on to our fourth creation of the evening (a yummy butternut squash flax seed soup). I'm afraid the squash nearly ended up on the ceiling due to a very near rage that my insides were contemplating.

I was able to talk a bit about my already discovered feelings on work, the politics there, stress I've been feeling surrounding the politics and worrying way too much about what others think. Glo gave me the suggestion of taking a leave of absence.

Ahhhhhhh *smile* I then retreated briefly to a peaceful place of wonder.

The smell of our burning pinto mixture brought me back to reality quickly.

Why can't I live out what I believe sometimes? Why is it so difficult to do what you know is best for the only one responsible for your own life? Why doesn't it seem to matter to me what people think?

I had a co worker tell me yesterday 'Don't ever let your guard down Eva. Once they know you're weak they play on it'.

Not exactly something a 'what you see is what you get' kinda girl hopes to hear.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing any of this, it's not helpful to anyone really. Well ... except for me.

I'm going to consider talking to someone about this. Like a professional. Someone who might give me a little support and direction. Maybe even permission ... to be ok.

Can I share something on a completely different note? (doesn't wait for answer)

I was talking to an incredibly amazing and lovely retired (depending on how you look at it) couple today who had asked if I had kids and heard my 'no yet ... we're hoping' response. To which the husband (whom I LOVE) replied 'hoping doesn't get you anywhere'. To which I giggled and replied 'Ok, so we're TRYING our best' *wink, wink* (Which I have to say was a lie. We're really trying to try).

This lead us to have a wonderful discussion regarding to our hope to adopt a child from the 'system' but how discouraging others we've told have been. They immediately both rolled their eyes and gave me wise advise:

'Don't tell people what you're gonna do. Just do it.'

I began to share my convictions on adopting locally to which I was welcomed with open arms.

This couple whom have been together for 20 years but just recently got engaged (with a diamond) married a few weeks ago (in their home). Whom have worked closely with the CAS (Children's Aid Society or what you may know as Child Protective Services in other places) for many years leading them to foster many kids and currently have two adult men (brothers) with developmental disabilities who have been with them over a decade that they originally fostered. They got involved in our agency in part because the men had reached adult hood and would likely go back into a 'system' but this couple didn't want to see that happen, they wanted to continue to care for them.

You may be a bit baffled by the idea but these two young men are in their early twenties but appear to be in their yearly teens at best. They are great guys but no less than 2 handfuls of an experience.

It was refreshing to hear people with a gift for what they do, who do it with ease and love that comes so naturally. They're human but can be confused as beyond that. They are people I aspire to be like.

I was thankful for our chat and for my new connection to what could possibly be our future family. I have no doubt they will be a great encouragement and resource in the future. I left them feeling more hopeful about that specific area of my life.

Sometimes you just need a little taste of something good.

Sometimes you just need a little memory of that little taste to remind you that your day wasn't all bad.

Wow, I feel better.

I'm going to keep those two in my mind for a while.

I have definitely felt like I've been sinking lately. It doesn't feel good. That conversation gave me hope (my favourite thing in the world).

How does the saying go?

Hope floats.

Today I learned that it's true. And if you hold on to it, it may be the best life preserver you could ever have.

I'm holding on, with all I have.

Thank you for the hope today Roy and Joan. It means more than you'll ever know :)