I have to say, I'm doing much better than my last post :).
I made it through my week, though missing a couple of main stay friends. I'm noticing that sometimes it's really good to lose what you're used to for a little while (note the little while part) because it really does make you apppreaciate what you have.
I'm not sure if it's due to the beautiful weather but for the most part I've had the best week I can remember having for a long time.
Work went really well, I started a new cleaning job (I know I'm crazy) and I actually enjoyed it a lot. It was time to think on my own, make extra money, and listen to a couple podcosts that made me think a little more. I didn't even notice the extra long work day.
A few things have popped up this week that have given me lots to think on.
Wally and I have pondered quite a bit about the idea of beginning a church relationship again. We decided a while back that this was a very important part of our lives that is missing and we need it. I think we are finally ready to go find it again.
I did some searching on the internet and e-mailing and then shared a phone call. There's potential that we may go back to my old home church. It just really sucks that the group we could attend breaks for the summer and the one that meets throughout the summer is on a night that I work everyweek. We'll have to figure it out and make a point to make some connections at least of some relationships that maybe we can nurture in the mean time.
There's another big thing that we've stepped into this week, sort of 'out of no where' but really not. I would love to talk about it more but I think I have to wait a little bit longer.
Aaaaaaand, I've decided to go ahead and do my personal training certification for sure (I can't believe I'm saying that!).
I will admit I fell like much of a fraud considering I've gained a few pounds, taken a break from it and have not been strict with my clean eating as of late. But, I realized the other day that whether or not I'm 'perfect' in those things it's still a dream I want to fulfill (and who knows, maybe having a goal like that will inspire me to be more committed to a lifestyle that ultimately makes me feel really good not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well).
I'm not sure what exactly has inspired these things to come to the forefront of my mind. I know our visit with A-bag last week really reminded us about how important the spiritual part of our lives are.
I know that a recent conversation and acceptance of what God has placed on our hearts urged us with the second item.
Seeing someone I support speak out their own dreams and goals has reminded me of what mine are and that sometimes whether you feel able or not to do or be what you dream about it's up to you to be true to that dream and do your part to make it happen. I really don't want to live with regrets.
Wally sent me an article the other day that reminded me of how I came to feel so strongly about living life as fully as possible. Here's the link:
http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
Read it, give it some thought, see what you would do differently. If anything.
Just think.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Good byes VS See you laters
I hate when people I love move away.
I just plain hate it.
I am certainly learning (and should have by now) that life is really mostly made up of, what seems to be, a few hellos and a lot of good byes.
It probably seems that way because when you meet someone they aren't really someone to you yet. They are often just another face along your day. Sometimes you barely notice them, sometimes you barely like them and sometimes you think 'hmmmmm we could be friends' (or when I was sixteen if the person I met was a nice fella within a decade of myself older I thought 'Hmmmmmm I wonder if you're THE one?')/
As time has trudged on (without necessarily getting my permission) I have come to realize that good byes (or see you laters) are never easy.
I've seen that growing apart from another person, slowly and unoticably(at first) seems to be the most merciful to your soul, it still holds it's own sting.
And though there are relationships you know you'll hold forever it's never easy to hug not knowing when you'll meet again.
I've also learned that often when you part you'll grow stronger than you ever could have if you were closer together (hmmmmm, kind of like when you plant a garden).
My closest far away friend moved a couple of years after Wally and I were married. At the time when she told me that she'd met this guy I knew what her next words would be. I cried. 'The guy' was from Michigan. How dare he. Steal my friend.
Well I got another year with her before she left. I don't think I was smart enough to make the most of it by any means but perhaps for a reason. When she moved she lived across the border a couple of hours away and we stayed in touch.
A few years later during a visit she shared that she was pregnant AND they were moving .... to a land far far away called Florida. I cried again.
But it seemed that the further she moved the closer we actually got. We had our ups and downs (and by that I don't mean fights, mostly just times of feeling more close than others). I will admit on my end I wondered if our friendship would last. It's not always easy watching someone else live the life you want or being able to identify with that life when yours is so very different.
We kept on it though and still shared an open, honest and in my opinion wonderful friendship. I hate that I cant' be there for her physically for when she needs help and that we have to schedule so carefully around our lives to chat ... but as they say... that's life.
That friendship though is a prime example of how some friendships can thrive with distance (if cared for). Both of us agree that it wouldn't be the relationship it is if she hadn't moved away.
Yesterday I said good bye to my best college friend. She's someone I 'get' and who is my kind of honest. She's flighty but caring, young but smart. She's been through more in her 21 years than I could have ever imagined at that age. I love her very much.
She's not moving far but far enough for me to wonder if we'll connect ever again. It may sound like I'm doubting the strength of our friendship, but I'm not. I just don't know if it was created with the purpose of a forever kind.
It's when I realize that that I feel that lump grow in my throat. Not because I'll necessarily miss her in my life on a day to day basis but more as the realization that possibly her purpose in my life has been fulfilled. And, it could be true that we never connect the same again. But that's ok. We have other people to touch and help grow.
It's still sometimes sad to say good bye to that part of your life.
My aunt's passing was the greatest lesson I've ever experienced in the realm of good byes. Knowing that I would never see her face again (on earth), never hear her laugh, never have one of though 'heart to heart' chats a girl can only have with a woman 20 years older than herself.
It was then I had to face the kind of good bye that is more like a 'see you later' only with a very, very (what seems to be) long wait til the later part. I am thankful for my faith and just as much for hers. I have no doubts we will meet again (I do recommend 'Heaven is for Real' for anyone sort of on the fence ... and the Bible works too - I'm not the best thumper).
Along with the good bye I had to say to her I also had to come to terms with the fact that living good byes (the ones when you part expecting to see and connect with one another again but may not realize for years that you won't ever) are sometimes the hardest ones there are.
When I said 'See you later' to my aunt I knew that was it. When you say good bye to a close friend without knowing where life is taking either one of you that is hard. Really, really hard.
This brings me to Glo. I've talked a lot about Glo and our unexpected friendship. It's one that seemed to birth out of a deep mutual respect and enjoyment of one another. I was always just as honoured and excited as she was to spend our time together. We both admitted that we were always so happy when the other actual wanted to spend time with us (hopefully you get that).
This week Glo out of town and our schedules didn't line up for our regular 3 or 4 usual visits during the week of hang out time at the gym, cooking in the kitchen or doing something new. It's funny because I sensed that I was beginning to take our time for granted as of late, it was confirmed when I learned Glo would be away for the week (or part of it). I realized it would be empty. As I thought of it last night I cried on my way home from work.
Glo leaves for Holland in 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure the sunshine is going to go with her.
I know, I sound like a wreck. I'll probably be one by mid July and into August, September, October, November, December and until she comes home.
You know what though. My greatest fear isn't her leaving, it's whatever life has in store from us that will grow us and change us. Sometimes we aren't meant to have the same friends forever. Sometimes we cant' grow properly if we do.
I think both Glo and I would argue for hours that we are meant beyond a doubt to be friends for always and I truly pray that is true. But there's always a little bit o me that has developed since my aunts passing that knows only time will dictate how we are able to care for and hold onto what we have.
Will be be given the strength and understanding to keep things strong? Are we meant to be friends for years to come? Will we be stronger the further away we are from one another? Or was friendship only meant for us for only a season, to feed each other's spirits, to encourage and inspire one another during a time we really needed it?
That's the hardest part about a good bye. Not knowing if it's good bye or see you later.
Thank goodness Glo's still here. Hopefully knowing I'm not intending this to be the obituary of our friendship but rather me getting out my greatest fear so that I can make room for a wonderful dream of hope.
What do I hope for in this friendship?
Fun cards, endless e-mails, excited phone calls, deep conversations, honest emotions, 'We're having a baby!', 'So am I!', 'We're coming to visit!', 'I'm moving to a wonderful town not too far away!'.
That's what I want.
That's what I hope for.
Yes I'm sniffling like a baby.
Or ... a little girl who's losing one of her closest friends right now. Even though she will surely be saying 'See you later!'
I just plain hate it.
I am certainly learning (and should have by now) that life is really mostly made up of, what seems to be, a few hellos and a lot of good byes.
It probably seems that way because when you meet someone they aren't really someone to you yet. They are often just another face along your day. Sometimes you barely notice them, sometimes you barely like them and sometimes you think 'hmmmmm we could be friends' (or when I was sixteen if the person I met was a nice fella within a decade of myself older I thought 'Hmmmmmm I wonder if you're THE one?')/
As time has trudged on (without necessarily getting my permission) I have come to realize that good byes (or see you laters) are never easy.
I've seen that growing apart from another person, slowly and unoticably(at first) seems to be the most merciful to your soul, it still holds it's own sting.
And though there are relationships you know you'll hold forever it's never easy to hug not knowing when you'll meet again.
I've also learned that often when you part you'll grow stronger than you ever could have if you were closer together (hmmmmm, kind of like when you plant a garden).
My closest far away friend moved a couple of years after Wally and I were married. At the time when she told me that she'd met this guy I knew what her next words would be. I cried. 'The guy' was from Michigan. How dare he. Steal my friend.
Well I got another year with her before she left. I don't think I was smart enough to make the most of it by any means but perhaps for a reason. When she moved she lived across the border a couple of hours away and we stayed in touch.
A few years later during a visit she shared that she was pregnant AND they were moving .... to a land far far away called Florida. I cried again.
But it seemed that the further she moved the closer we actually got. We had our ups and downs (and by that I don't mean fights, mostly just times of feeling more close than others). I will admit on my end I wondered if our friendship would last. It's not always easy watching someone else live the life you want or being able to identify with that life when yours is so very different.
We kept on it though and still shared an open, honest and in my opinion wonderful friendship. I hate that I cant' be there for her physically for when she needs help and that we have to schedule so carefully around our lives to chat ... but as they say... that's life.
That friendship though is a prime example of how some friendships can thrive with distance (if cared for). Both of us agree that it wouldn't be the relationship it is if she hadn't moved away.
Yesterday I said good bye to my best college friend. She's someone I 'get' and who is my kind of honest. She's flighty but caring, young but smart. She's been through more in her 21 years than I could have ever imagined at that age. I love her very much.
She's not moving far but far enough for me to wonder if we'll connect ever again. It may sound like I'm doubting the strength of our friendship, but I'm not. I just don't know if it was created with the purpose of a forever kind.
It's when I realize that that I feel that lump grow in my throat. Not because I'll necessarily miss her in my life on a day to day basis but more as the realization that possibly her purpose in my life has been fulfilled. And, it could be true that we never connect the same again. But that's ok. We have other people to touch and help grow.
It's still sometimes sad to say good bye to that part of your life.
My aunt's passing was the greatest lesson I've ever experienced in the realm of good byes. Knowing that I would never see her face again (on earth), never hear her laugh, never have one of though 'heart to heart' chats a girl can only have with a woman 20 years older than herself.
It was then I had to face the kind of good bye that is more like a 'see you later' only with a very, very (what seems to be) long wait til the later part. I am thankful for my faith and just as much for hers. I have no doubts we will meet again (I do recommend 'Heaven is for Real' for anyone sort of on the fence ... and the Bible works too - I'm not the best thumper).
Along with the good bye I had to say to her I also had to come to terms with the fact that living good byes (the ones when you part expecting to see and connect with one another again but may not realize for years that you won't ever) are sometimes the hardest ones there are.
When I said 'See you later' to my aunt I knew that was it. When you say good bye to a close friend without knowing where life is taking either one of you that is hard. Really, really hard.
This brings me to Glo. I've talked a lot about Glo and our unexpected friendship. It's one that seemed to birth out of a deep mutual respect and enjoyment of one another. I was always just as honoured and excited as she was to spend our time together. We both admitted that we were always so happy when the other actual wanted to spend time with us (hopefully you get that).
This week Glo out of town and our schedules didn't line up for our regular 3 or 4 usual visits during the week of hang out time at the gym, cooking in the kitchen or doing something new. It's funny because I sensed that I was beginning to take our time for granted as of late, it was confirmed when I learned Glo would be away for the week (or part of it). I realized it would be empty. As I thought of it last night I cried on my way home from work.
Glo leaves for Holland in 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure the sunshine is going to go with her.
I know, I sound like a wreck. I'll probably be one by mid July and into August, September, October, November, December and until she comes home.
You know what though. My greatest fear isn't her leaving, it's whatever life has in store from us that will grow us and change us. Sometimes we aren't meant to have the same friends forever. Sometimes we cant' grow properly if we do.
I think both Glo and I would argue for hours that we are meant beyond a doubt to be friends for always and I truly pray that is true. But there's always a little bit o me that has developed since my aunts passing that knows only time will dictate how we are able to care for and hold onto what we have.
Will be be given the strength and understanding to keep things strong? Are we meant to be friends for years to come? Will we be stronger the further away we are from one another? Or was friendship only meant for us for only a season, to feed each other's spirits, to encourage and inspire one another during a time we really needed it?
That's the hardest part about a good bye. Not knowing if it's good bye or see you later.
Thank goodness Glo's still here. Hopefully knowing I'm not intending this to be the obituary of our friendship but rather me getting out my greatest fear so that I can make room for a wonderful dream of hope.
What do I hope for in this friendship?
Fun cards, endless e-mails, excited phone calls, deep conversations, honest emotions, 'We're having a baby!', 'So am I!', 'We're coming to visit!', 'I'm moving to a wonderful town not too far away!'.
That's what I want.
That's what I hope for.
Yes I'm sniffling like a baby.
Or ... a little girl who's losing one of her closest friends right now. Even though she will surely be saying 'See you later!'
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Dream a little dream with me
Right now is the perfect moment.
It's raining hard. There's rumbling of thunder. My favourite dogs is on my lap (incidentally he almost took out my laptop to run from the outside weather, even though we're inside).
I've had a good day. Maybe even a great day. Laundry almost done. Mulching of the front gardens done. Clean kabobs d.one on the bbq (that turned out pretty good), a couple clean treats made and enjoyed. I went through most of my kitchen cupboards to rearrange and get rid of a few things in order to try and make room on the counter in order to make prepping food easier. Wally actually came in at one point and asked if we were moving out (since I had hidden many of the usual contraptions in the cupboards and it looked so clear).
We also had our first visit with my newest little second cousin. She's a doll. She laughed a lot at our doggies. Apparently her parents said that she hadn't laughed that much ever. It was cute.
It's been a good day.
Yesterday Wally and I met my fried A-bag for lunch and coffee. He finally finished up some travelling first in Thailand, then Israel and finally in Holland. He was the one person we knew while visiting Thailand. It was great to reconnect again before he leaves for whatever adventure awaits him next.
A-bag is one of those people I would have no problem asking questions of. I don't really have to worry if I'll offend or sound stupid, I can just ask anyway.
Yesterday A-bag was the one asking the questions. The one that caught my attention most? 'So, do you have any plans or dreams for the future?' (I'm paraphrasing but the part that grabbed me was the dream reference).
It got me thinking ...
Of course I have dreams. I mean I complain about them to whoever reads quite often. But I think A-bag was asking something bigger than that, or at least I was feeling something tug at me bigger than that.
Last fall I had what is called a PATH done. I shared with you all some of my dreams in those regards: buying a house, fundraising $10 000, going to Thailand, becoming a personal trainer, living a healthy lifestyle, writing, speaking to encourage others (like to the masses *giggle*), and of course adopting and/or having children.
In many ways I've treated the process like a check list.
House - check, trip - check, fundraising - half check, writing - three quarters of a check, living a healthy lifestyle - some days check/some days ex, speaking to encourage others - forgot about that one, becoming a personal trainer - too embarrassed to admit this one, adopting/having children - doing my part in some ways/preparing to do my part in others.
I guess what I'm saying is I've turned many of my dreams into a 'To do' list and have lost some of the magic along the way.
It's like when you want to have the perfect Christmas family day only you are uptight about the turkey being too dry, the gravy tasting bland, the gift wrap getting picked up, the kids being well behaved so much so that you didn't take time to enjoy and share all of these great things.
When A-bag originally asked what was new and how life was I felt so incredibly dead. 'Nothing's new really. Life is fine.'
That's so not my style. Or at least not how I want my style to be.
It's got me thinking that maybe it's ok to always keep dreaming, to keep discovering new things and new people.
I've felt a real sense of nothingness (I know that's not a word) since after our trip. I don't remember feeling so empty really.
I feel quite challenged lately surrounding God stuff, and 'community' (not the show, even though I do thinks it's AWESOME). At the same time I (we) have wondered how is best to find a sense of community.
We have looked into a church since meeting with A-bag yesterday we are seeing how we can get reconnected with that area of our lives. As I spoke with someone tonight I shared how people don't seem to have time to do 'community', to just spend time together anymore. I vented slightly regarding my frustration over the fact that everyone is too busy for each other (I cannot disclude myself completely and no I don't think disclude is a word but it should be).
Anyways, I guess what I'm getting at is that Wally and I are working on somehow finding a place to call home and people to call family (in a not biological sense). I believe beyond needing it we are called to have it. To be recipients of it and givers to it.
I have missed this for too long and I would love to have it back.
Back to the dreaming thing .... I also think I may give myself some homework this week. To spend an hour or so making my dream world. Just for fun. When do we ever do that anyways?
I want my kids to be dreamers. Best way to do that is learn how to be one myself.
I'll share what I come up with ;)
It's raining hard. There's rumbling of thunder. My favourite dogs is on my lap (incidentally he almost took out my laptop to run from the outside weather, even though we're inside).
I've had a good day. Maybe even a great day. Laundry almost done. Mulching of the front gardens done. Clean kabobs d.one on the bbq (that turned out pretty good), a couple clean treats made and enjoyed. I went through most of my kitchen cupboards to rearrange and get rid of a few things in order to try and make room on the counter in order to make prepping food easier. Wally actually came in at one point and asked if we were moving out (since I had hidden many of the usual contraptions in the cupboards and it looked so clear).
We also had our first visit with my newest little second cousin. She's a doll. She laughed a lot at our doggies. Apparently her parents said that she hadn't laughed that much ever. It was cute.
It's been a good day.
Yesterday Wally and I met my fried A-bag for lunch and coffee. He finally finished up some travelling first in Thailand, then Israel and finally in Holland. He was the one person we knew while visiting Thailand. It was great to reconnect again before he leaves for whatever adventure awaits him next.
A-bag is one of those people I would have no problem asking questions of. I don't really have to worry if I'll offend or sound stupid, I can just ask anyway.
Yesterday A-bag was the one asking the questions. The one that caught my attention most? 'So, do you have any plans or dreams for the future?' (I'm paraphrasing but the part that grabbed me was the dream reference).
It got me thinking ...
Of course I have dreams. I mean I complain about them to whoever reads quite often. But I think A-bag was asking something bigger than that, or at least I was feeling something tug at me bigger than that.
Last fall I had what is called a PATH done. I shared with you all some of my dreams in those regards: buying a house, fundraising $10 000, going to Thailand, becoming a personal trainer, living a healthy lifestyle, writing, speaking to encourage others (like to the masses *giggle*), and of course adopting and/or having children.
In many ways I've treated the process like a check list.
House - check, trip - check, fundraising - half check, writing - three quarters of a check, living a healthy lifestyle - some days check/some days ex, speaking to encourage others - forgot about that one, becoming a personal trainer - too embarrassed to admit this one, adopting/having children - doing my part in some ways/preparing to do my part in others.
I guess what I'm saying is I've turned many of my dreams into a 'To do' list and have lost some of the magic along the way.
It's like when you want to have the perfect Christmas family day only you are uptight about the turkey being too dry, the gravy tasting bland, the gift wrap getting picked up, the kids being well behaved so much so that you didn't take time to enjoy and share all of these great things.
When A-bag originally asked what was new and how life was I felt so incredibly dead. 'Nothing's new really. Life is fine.'
That's so not my style. Or at least not how I want my style to be.
It's got me thinking that maybe it's ok to always keep dreaming, to keep discovering new things and new people.
I've felt a real sense of nothingness (I know that's not a word) since after our trip. I don't remember feeling so empty really.
I feel quite challenged lately surrounding God stuff, and 'community' (not the show, even though I do thinks it's AWESOME). At the same time I (we) have wondered how is best to find a sense of community.
We have looked into a church since meeting with A-bag yesterday we are seeing how we can get reconnected with that area of our lives. As I spoke with someone tonight I shared how people don't seem to have time to do 'community', to just spend time together anymore. I vented slightly regarding my frustration over the fact that everyone is too busy for each other (I cannot disclude myself completely and no I don't think disclude is a word but it should be).
Anyways, I guess what I'm getting at is that Wally and I are working on somehow finding a place to call home and people to call family (in a not biological sense). I believe beyond needing it we are called to have it. To be recipients of it and givers to it.
I have missed this for too long and I would love to have it back.
Back to the dreaming thing .... I also think I may give myself some homework this week. To spend an hour or so making my dream world. Just for fun. When do we ever do that anyways?
I want my kids to be dreamers. Best way to do that is learn how to be one myself.
I'll share what I come up with ;)
Friday, May 20, 2011
The week overviewed
Observations from this week, in a nutshell ...
* there is no such thing as 'clear' depoderant. It's quite obvious that the commercials are just a scam.
* the mice in the attic are having a scratching good time up there. I wonder if they have their own tv show.
* I thinnk it's werid when my stomach sounds like creaky floor boards
* I miraculously finished knitting my first sock this week (with 4 needles!!). Not I'm addicted.
* I learned that for every day I leave my gardens (it's not 3 weeks overdue) it have the potential to overtake the world. The good news is by leaving it to grow I've been able to see plants I would have confused with weeds early on to come to flower, causing me NOT to dig them up.
* Eating clean is actually a lot easier to stick to when you learn how to cook and are willing to try new things. It's all a matter of learning.
* Sometimes I want to punch overly positive people who forget thatsometimes people are just going through a hard time in the face. Not to be mean, just to help me cope. Hopefully I remember what this feels like when I get annoyingly positive on people, so that I don't turn into the punchee.
* Looking in the mirror is a real struggle for me. Learning to accept myself as I am so I can concentrate on taking care of what I've been given isn't easy. I'm determined to learn.
* I'm not sure where 'home' is. But I want to go there.
* I think of Bee often.
* In a strange way my faith has been sparked through a book I'm reading called 'Heaven is for real'. More on this to come....
* there is no such thing as 'clear' depoderant. It's quite obvious that the commercials are just a scam.
* the mice in the attic are having a scratching good time up there. I wonder if they have their own tv show.
* I thinnk it's werid when my stomach sounds like creaky floor boards
* I miraculously finished knitting my first sock this week (with 4 needles!!). Not I'm addicted.
* I learned that for every day I leave my gardens (it's not 3 weeks overdue) it have the potential to overtake the world. The good news is by leaving it to grow I've been able to see plants I would have confused with weeds early on to come to flower, causing me NOT to dig them up.
* Eating clean is actually a lot easier to stick to when you learn how to cook and are willing to try new things. It's all a matter of learning.
* Sometimes I want to punch overly positive people who forget thatsometimes people are just going through a hard time in the face. Not to be mean, just to help me cope. Hopefully I remember what this feels like when I get annoyingly positive on people, so that I don't turn into the punchee.
* Looking in the mirror is a real struggle for me. Learning to accept myself as I am so I can concentrate on taking care of what I've been given isn't easy. I'm determined to learn.
* I'm not sure where 'home' is. But I want to go there.
* I think of Bee often.
* In a strange way my faith has been sparked through a book I'm reading called 'Heaven is for real'. More on this to come....
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Breakfast and beyond
Burnt toast. Fried egg. Oatmeal that's been dropped on the floor.
Ok so I'm not really talking about breakfast....
These are the adjectives I would use to describe how I'm feeling right now.
I know, I know. Squeaky, annoying wheel.
You don't HAVE to read.
Tonight Glo was over and we were doing our own 'Collective Kitchen' with clean eating. What's Collective Kitchen? It's something we do at work for people we support so that they have good home cooked meals that are from scratch (mostly) and already made to put in the freezer and eat through out the month.
Usually they take home several days worth of soup, several good dinners, several servings of a casserole, some burritos, and muffins.
Tonight was our second try at it after a very successful first go. I soon learned that it's probably not a great idea to attempt a long list of cooking (some stuff for the first time), after a long flurried day of work, while being a self proclaimed stress bag, in a small rather disorganized kitchen.
Half way through I almost had a meltdown, inwardly at least. After both of us seriously questioning our virgin attempt at pinto beans and rice, we gave up on the idea of pressing on to our fourth creation of the evening (a yummy butternut squash flax seed soup). I'm afraid the squash nearly ended up on the ceiling due to a very near rage that my insides were contemplating.
I was able to talk a bit about my already discovered feelings on work, the politics there, stress I've been feeling surrounding the politics and worrying way too much about what others think. Glo gave me the suggestion of taking a leave of absence.
Ahhhhhhh *smile* I then retreated briefly to a peaceful place of wonder.
The smell of our burning pinto mixture brought me back to reality quickly.
Why can't I live out what I believe sometimes? Why is it so difficult to do what you know is best for the only one responsible for your own life? Why doesn't it seem to matter to me what people think?
I had a co worker tell me yesterday 'Don't ever let your guard down Eva. Once they know you're weak they play on it'.
Not exactly something a 'what you see is what you get' kinda girl hopes to hear.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing any of this, it's not helpful to anyone really. Well ... except for me.
I'm going to consider talking to someone about this. Like a professional. Someone who might give me a little support and direction. Maybe even permission ... to be ok.
Can I share something on a completely different note? (doesn't wait for answer)
I was talking to an incredibly amazing and lovely retired (depending on how you look at it) couple today who had asked if I had kids and heard my 'no yet ... we're hoping' response. To which the husband (whom I LOVE) replied 'hoping doesn't get you anywhere'. To which I giggled and replied 'Ok, so we're TRYING our best' *wink, wink* (Which I have to say was a lie. We're really trying to try).
This lead us to have a wonderful discussion regarding to our hope to adopt a child from the 'system' but how discouraging others we've told have been. They immediately both rolled their eyes and gave me wise advise:
'Don't tell people what you're gonna do. Just do it.'
I began to share my convictions on adopting locally to which I was welcomed with open arms.
This couple whom have been together for 20 years but just recently got engaged (with a diamond) married a few weeks ago (in their home). Whom have worked closely with the CAS (Children's Aid Society or what you may know as Child Protective Services in other places) for many years leading them to foster many kids and currently have two adult men (brothers) with developmental disabilities who have been with them over a decade that they originally fostered. They got involved in our agency in part because the men had reached adult hood and would likely go back into a 'system' but this couple didn't want to see that happen, they wanted to continue to care for them.
You may be a bit baffled by the idea but these two young men are in their early twenties but appear to be in their yearly teens at best. They are great guys but no less than 2 handfuls of an experience.
It was refreshing to hear people with a gift for what they do, who do it with ease and love that comes so naturally. They're human but can be confused as beyond that. They are people I aspire to be like.
I was thankful for our chat and for my new connection to what could possibly be our future family. I have no doubt they will be a great encouragement and resource in the future. I left them feeling more hopeful about that specific area of my life.
Sometimes you just need a little taste of something good.
Sometimes you just need a little memory of that little taste to remind you that your day wasn't all bad.
Wow, I feel better.
I'm going to keep those two in my mind for a while.
I have definitely felt like I've been sinking lately. It doesn't feel good. That conversation gave me hope (my favourite thing in the world).
How does the saying go?
Hope floats.
Today I learned that it's true. And if you hold on to it, it may be the best life preserver you could ever have.
I'm holding on, with all I have.
Thank you for the hope today Roy and Joan. It means more than you'll ever know :)
Ok so I'm not really talking about breakfast....
These are the adjectives I would use to describe how I'm feeling right now.
I know, I know. Squeaky, annoying wheel.
You don't HAVE to read.
Tonight Glo was over and we were doing our own 'Collective Kitchen' with clean eating. What's Collective Kitchen? It's something we do at work for people we support so that they have good home cooked meals that are from scratch (mostly) and already made to put in the freezer and eat through out the month.
Usually they take home several days worth of soup, several good dinners, several servings of a casserole, some burritos, and muffins.
Tonight was our second try at it after a very successful first go. I soon learned that it's probably not a great idea to attempt a long list of cooking (some stuff for the first time), after a long flurried day of work, while being a self proclaimed stress bag, in a small rather disorganized kitchen.
Half way through I almost had a meltdown, inwardly at least. After both of us seriously questioning our virgin attempt at pinto beans and rice, we gave up on the idea of pressing on to our fourth creation of the evening (a yummy butternut squash flax seed soup). I'm afraid the squash nearly ended up on the ceiling due to a very near rage that my insides were contemplating.
I was able to talk a bit about my already discovered feelings on work, the politics there, stress I've been feeling surrounding the politics and worrying way too much about what others think. Glo gave me the suggestion of taking a leave of absence.
Ahhhhhhh *smile* I then retreated briefly to a peaceful place of wonder.
The smell of our burning pinto mixture brought me back to reality quickly.
Why can't I live out what I believe sometimes? Why is it so difficult to do what you know is best for the only one responsible for your own life? Why doesn't it seem to matter to me what people think?
I had a co worker tell me yesterday 'Don't ever let your guard down Eva. Once they know you're weak they play on it'.
Not exactly something a 'what you see is what you get' kinda girl hopes to hear.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing any of this, it's not helpful to anyone really. Well ... except for me.
I'm going to consider talking to someone about this. Like a professional. Someone who might give me a little support and direction. Maybe even permission ... to be ok.
Can I share something on a completely different note? (doesn't wait for answer)
I was talking to an incredibly amazing and lovely retired (depending on how you look at it) couple today who had asked if I had kids and heard my 'no yet ... we're hoping' response. To which the husband (whom I LOVE) replied 'hoping doesn't get you anywhere'. To which I giggled and replied 'Ok, so we're TRYING our best' *wink, wink* (Which I have to say was a lie. We're really trying to try).
This lead us to have a wonderful discussion regarding to our hope to adopt a child from the 'system' but how discouraging others we've told have been. They immediately both rolled their eyes and gave me wise advise:
'Don't tell people what you're gonna do. Just do it.'
I began to share my convictions on adopting locally to which I was welcomed with open arms.
This couple whom have been together for 20 years but just recently got engaged (with a diamond) married a few weeks ago (in their home). Whom have worked closely with the CAS (Children's Aid Society or what you may know as Child Protective Services in other places) for many years leading them to foster many kids and currently have two adult men (brothers) with developmental disabilities who have been with them over a decade that they originally fostered. They got involved in our agency in part because the men had reached adult hood and would likely go back into a 'system' but this couple didn't want to see that happen, they wanted to continue to care for them.
You may be a bit baffled by the idea but these two young men are in their early twenties but appear to be in their yearly teens at best. They are great guys but no less than 2 handfuls of an experience.
It was refreshing to hear people with a gift for what they do, who do it with ease and love that comes so naturally. They're human but can be confused as beyond that. They are people I aspire to be like.
I was thankful for our chat and for my new connection to what could possibly be our future family. I have no doubt they will be a great encouragement and resource in the future. I left them feeling more hopeful about that specific area of my life.
Sometimes you just need a little taste of something good.
Sometimes you just need a little memory of that little taste to remind you that your day wasn't all bad.
Wow, I feel better.
I'm going to keep those two in my mind for a while.
I have definitely felt like I've been sinking lately. It doesn't feel good. That conversation gave me hope (my favourite thing in the world).
How does the saying go?
Hope floats.
Today I learned that it's true. And if you hold on to it, it may be the best life preserver you could ever have.
I'm holding on, with all I have.
Thank you for the hope today Roy and Joan. It means more than you'll ever know :)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I bet you didn't know I'm a magazine writer now ...
Today's a new day.
I love this fact.
It's a 10 hr day for me, nothing unusual for a DSW where I work.
It's a good 10 hr days because it's pretty low key and it doesn't start til noon which I also like. I use the morning to pretend I'm on vacation.
I committed early in the week to working out 5 days this week (2 with weights) and since it's Wednesday and I've only run once, i figured I better keep my promise to myself.
I hate weight training. I can't lie. I hate it. Nearly every second. The seconds I get enjoyment out of it are generally located at the end when I know that I've kept my promise.
I was chatted last week with my hair dresser about working out and she said that she hated cardio and loved weights. I thought to myself 'You're obviously not doing it right then'. She went on to say that she's never used free weights and then I understood. I only use free weights or body weight exercises. It's more work for the body overall and burns more fuel.
I realized today that the only way I'm going to be successful at continuing to weight train was to take it at my own pace. In order to talk myself in continuing after each set.
I usually do 9 different exercises grouped in 3. So 3 sets of 3. 3 is clearly a popular number. Except when you're on number 1.
When I used to work out with Dee I barely had to think about IF I would continue. I had no choice. If I didn't he'd make things worse for me so I tried to do what he asked the first time. Hmmmm ... kind of sounds like torture. It was but it got the job done.
I continually have to remind myself why I do this, the health benefits both physically and mentally. It was hard training when I started a year ago because I did it for results in my body's appearance. Now I do it for my health because my appearance is largely affected by what I eat and that's an entirely different struggle.
On Monday when I ran I learned how just even a little bit of weight training can improve your running a lot. This gives me another reason to work out.
It's kind of funny because if you read anything I've written in regards to how I feel about running (which is similar to weight training) you'd likely wonder why I don't give up everything. But now that I've found something I hate MORE than running, running doesn't feel so bad. In fact I've been having the urge to run a lot lately, likely because of my dismal emotional state.
Once again I'm not entirely sure of what my point is. But maybe I can encourage myself and you to take what ever things you are challenged with right now and help see some perspective (I really need this).
Sometimes you do what you do because it's good for you. Sometimes you do it because you have to. Sometimes you do it because it will ultimately help something you struggle with to be less of a struggle. So ... you keep hanging on and doing that thing you hate, because it's good for you.
Here are some of the tricks I use to get me through this dreadful activity (maybe we can transfer them to other detestable activities that are good for us):
* Take it at my own pace.
Often we are all by ourselves and expect that we should be able to do things exactly the same as when we have a partner or a group of cheerleaders when that is near impossible. BUT if we slow down a bit (rather than whipping that damned towel across the room 5 minutes in) and take things as best we can in our own time then I think we are much more likely to complete the task at hand. Not everything is a race.
* Focus on one task at a time
Don't worry about the next 8 items on the list until you need to. Do number 1 first then worry about number 2 and so on and so forth. It's easy to get caught up in how you are going to complete the others but if you spend all of your time worrying about that you've just lost precious energy and time on getting number 1 done. That's generally when we decide we can't do any of it and we give up. One worry at a time!
* Give yourself a pep talk
Remind yourself you CAN do it and many times have already done it. Don't blame the world for being inadequate cheerleaders when you haven't learned how to be one yourself. You are your greatest asset and enemy when you're on your own.
* DON'T give up
Slow down, one thing at a time, remind yourself that you can and keep going!!! Even if it takes twice as long as it should, even if you need to adapt your plan of attack, don't let go! Giving up will only feed the devil on your shoulder that feeds you lies like 'I can't do this!'. As cliche and annoying this saying is sometimes I believe it 'We're not given anything more than we can handle', we just need to learn HOW to handle it. We're not going ot learn that if we keep quitting the lesson half way through.
* Forgive yourself
For the times that you've given up, talked yourself down, tore up your list, and sped through things without accepting the challenge .... forgive yourself. You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, no one is perfect. Let go of what you've convinced yourself is a failure and move on. Dwelling on past mistakes only keeps you tied to them. Free yourself, learn and go on.
Wow. I think I just wrote an article for Chatelaine or something. I apologize. This was more for me than anyone else. Wally teases me when I write all sermony.
Peace be with you :)
*giggles*
I love this fact.
It's a 10 hr day for me, nothing unusual for a DSW where I work.
It's a good 10 hr days because it's pretty low key and it doesn't start til noon which I also like. I use the morning to pretend I'm on vacation.
I committed early in the week to working out 5 days this week (2 with weights) and since it's Wednesday and I've only run once, i figured I better keep my promise to myself.
I hate weight training. I can't lie. I hate it. Nearly every second. The seconds I get enjoyment out of it are generally located at the end when I know that I've kept my promise.
I was chatted last week with my hair dresser about working out and she said that she hated cardio and loved weights. I thought to myself 'You're obviously not doing it right then'. She went on to say that she's never used free weights and then I understood. I only use free weights or body weight exercises. It's more work for the body overall and burns more fuel.
I realized today that the only way I'm going to be successful at continuing to weight train was to take it at my own pace. In order to talk myself in continuing after each set.
I usually do 9 different exercises grouped in 3. So 3 sets of 3. 3 is clearly a popular number. Except when you're on number 1.
When I used to work out with Dee I barely had to think about IF I would continue. I had no choice. If I didn't he'd make things worse for me so I tried to do what he asked the first time. Hmmmm ... kind of sounds like torture. It was but it got the job done.
I continually have to remind myself why I do this, the health benefits both physically and mentally. It was hard training when I started a year ago because I did it for results in my body's appearance. Now I do it for my health because my appearance is largely affected by what I eat and that's an entirely different struggle.
On Monday when I ran I learned how just even a little bit of weight training can improve your running a lot. This gives me another reason to work out.
It's kind of funny because if you read anything I've written in regards to how I feel about running (which is similar to weight training) you'd likely wonder why I don't give up everything. But now that I've found something I hate MORE than running, running doesn't feel so bad. In fact I've been having the urge to run a lot lately, likely because of my dismal emotional state.
Once again I'm not entirely sure of what my point is. But maybe I can encourage myself and you to take what ever things you are challenged with right now and help see some perspective (I really need this).
Sometimes you do what you do because it's good for you. Sometimes you do it because you have to. Sometimes you do it because it will ultimately help something you struggle with to be less of a struggle. So ... you keep hanging on and doing that thing you hate, because it's good for you.
Here are some of the tricks I use to get me through this dreadful activity (maybe we can transfer them to other detestable activities that are good for us):
* Take it at my own pace.
Often we are all by ourselves and expect that we should be able to do things exactly the same as when we have a partner or a group of cheerleaders when that is near impossible. BUT if we slow down a bit (rather than whipping that damned towel across the room 5 minutes in) and take things as best we can in our own time then I think we are much more likely to complete the task at hand. Not everything is a race.
* Focus on one task at a time
Don't worry about the next 8 items on the list until you need to. Do number 1 first then worry about number 2 and so on and so forth. It's easy to get caught up in how you are going to complete the others but if you spend all of your time worrying about that you've just lost precious energy and time on getting number 1 done. That's generally when we decide we can't do any of it and we give up. One worry at a time!
* Give yourself a pep talk
Remind yourself you CAN do it and many times have already done it. Don't blame the world for being inadequate cheerleaders when you haven't learned how to be one yourself. You are your greatest asset and enemy when you're on your own.
* DON'T give up
Slow down, one thing at a time, remind yourself that you can and keep going!!! Even if it takes twice as long as it should, even if you need to adapt your plan of attack, don't let go! Giving up will only feed the devil on your shoulder that feeds you lies like 'I can't do this!'. As cliche and annoying this saying is sometimes I believe it 'We're not given anything more than we can handle', we just need to learn HOW to handle it. We're not going ot learn that if we keep quitting the lesson half way through.
* Forgive yourself
For the times that you've given up, talked yourself down, tore up your list, and sped through things without accepting the challenge .... forgive yourself. You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, no one is perfect. Let go of what you've convinced yourself is a failure and move on. Dwelling on past mistakes only keeps you tied to them. Free yourself, learn and go on.
Wow. I think I just wrote an article for Chatelaine or something. I apologize. This was more for me than anyone else. Wally teases me when I write all sermony.
Peace be with you :)
*giggles*
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Green Goblin saves the day!
I wanna be a recluse.
I know one. That person gets to stay home all day long every day, go out once in a while with a friend or two and sometimes drag themselves to family occasions. Otherwise they stay safe in the cocoon of their home. I want that sometimes.
I know that honestly I'd probably only last 2 or three days before going insane but the idea of never having to leave does seem appealing right now.
I've mentioned before that our unusually cold and very wet spring may be playing a part in my feelings but sometimes I wonder.
Last Friday I could barely stand the thought of facing my day. When I got home for some reason I envisioned Ed McMahon coming by with balloons and a cheque for a bazillion dollars and my response being 'That's great (with little to no enthusiasm), can you be sure to close the door on your way out.' Then I'd go drop into bed. That's how much energy and life I had left in me.
I had figured I was tired from my week of work, Maybe even from my very full month. But as I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon after work and look ahead to 3 more days of work I feel totally at the mercy of the world. I am drained already, stressed for no apparent reason, and am honestly giving thought to purchasing a ticket to Thailand and just heading out the door tomorrow with little to no care for anyone else around me.
I won't do that .... at least not tomorrow.
One of my co workers told me to take some time off to rest. I reminded her that I just got back from my 'vacation'. Right now I feel a bit trapped. By what I'm not so sure.
Someone asked me 'Is it work? Is it home? Are people at work treating you unfairly?'
I could honestly say 'No' to the last question and 'I don't know' to the other two.
Wally often reminds me that it's possible I loved Thailand because I wasn't working there. I remember reminding myself while I was there that my feeling of comfort and peace was real. I remember walking down the road and thinking to myself 'This is home.'
I realize Wally may be right. Maybe Thailand isn't my home, but maybe not working is.
Not working is a simply crazy thought for anyone here in North America. Why ever would you NOT work? I mean you've got to eat!
Our mental health isn't even allowed to enter the equation either. If you are physically fine you need to be out making money. Gone are the days where a woman could be respected for making a home and caring for her family. (Not to be gender bias but I'm talking traditionally).
I don't want to be lazy ... but I do want to be well. Right now I don't feel well inside. And because I've had this issue before and attended to it with time off (a week here, a week there) I don't feel justified in doing this again. People already think my need for a reduced (but still the same number of hours as my husband's 'full time') work week is odd and a little snooty.
This afternoon after feeling the stress of listening to a woman I support talk about her 3 cats from days gone by over and over and over (and over and over and over), then hearing all about the ruckus the young lady I support has been causing with supposed false allegations, I was absolute toast by noon.
I went over and accomplished a long list of things (including filing this young lady's passport paperwork - she's going on a cruise!!!!) with the ruckus maker and then went for a short walk to get a drink together.
We sat. We drank. We chatted. She smiled a lot. I smiled at her. She asked if I was tired and I said yes. Then I remembered her wonderful impression of the Green Goblin from the Spiderman movies so I asked her to do it.
At first she refused. With a smile, while looking away bashfully and waving her hand 'no'. I pressed, she continued to deny me. Then out of nowhere she put her empty plastic apple juice container up to her mouth and did the Green Goblin spooky laugh.
I laughed. I smiled. I was reminded that this one person meant so much to me. I value her. I care for her. Even though she's stubborn as hell, makes a liar out of me often, and tells very creative little stories that make me wish I was a detective, she still is one of the ones I completely adore, respect and want so badly to get something great out of life.
Who new the Green Goblin could save the day.
I guess it's all in the delivery.
I will hang in there. At least one more day.
I know one. That person gets to stay home all day long every day, go out once in a while with a friend or two and sometimes drag themselves to family occasions. Otherwise they stay safe in the cocoon of their home. I want that sometimes.
I know that honestly I'd probably only last 2 or three days before going insane but the idea of never having to leave does seem appealing right now.
I've mentioned before that our unusually cold and very wet spring may be playing a part in my feelings but sometimes I wonder.
Last Friday I could barely stand the thought of facing my day. When I got home for some reason I envisioned Ed McMahon coming by with balloons and a cheque for a bazillion dollars and my response being 'That's great (with little to no enthusiasm), can you be sure to close the door on your way out.' Then I'd go drop into bed. That's how much energy and life I had left in me.
I had figured I was tired from my week of work, Maybe even from my very full month. But as I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon after work and look ahead to 3 more days of work I feel totally at the mercy of the world. I am drained already, stressed for no apparent reason, and am honestly giving thought to purchasing a ticket to Thailand and just heading out the door tomorrow with little to no care for anyone else around me.
I won't do that .... at least not tomorrow.
One of my co workers told me to take some time off to rest. I reminded her that I just got back from my 'vacation'. Right now I feel a bit trapped. By what I'm not so sure.
Someone asked me 'Is it work? Is it home? Are people at work treating you unfairly?'
I could honestly say 'No' to the last question and 'I don't know' to the other two.
Wally often reminds me that it's possible I loved Thailand because I wasn't working there. I remember reminding myself while I was there that my feeling of comfort and peace was real. I remember walking down the road and thinking to myself 'This is home.'
I realize Wally may be right. Maybe Thailand isn't my home, but maybe not working is.
Not working is a simply crazy thought for anyone here in North America. Why ever would you NOT work? I mean you've got to eat!
Our mental health isn't even allowed to enter the equation either. If you are physically fine you need to be out making money. Gone are the days where a woman could be respected for making a home and caring for her family. (Not to be gender bias but I'm talking traditionally).
I don't want to be lazy ... but I do want to be well. Right now I don't feel well inside. And because I've had this issue before and attended to it with time off (a week here, a week there) I don't feel justified in doing this again. People already think my need for a reduced (but still the same number of hours as my husband's 'full time') work week is odd and a little snooty.
This afternoon after feeling the stress of listening to a woman I support talk about her 3 cats from days gone by over and over and over (and over and over and over), then hearing all about the ruckus the young lady I support has been causing with supposed false allegations, I was absolute toast by noon.
I went over and accomplished a long list of things (including filing this young lady's passport paperwork - she's going on a cruise!!!!) with the ruckus maker and then went for a short walk to get a drink together.
We sat. We drank. We chatted. She smiled a lot. I smiled at her. She asked if I was tired and I said yes. Then I remembered her wonderful impression of the Green Goblin from the Spiderman movies so I asked her to do it.
At first she refused. With a smile, while looking away bashfully and waving her hand 'no'. I pressed, she continued to deny me. Then out of nowhere she put her empty plastic apple juice container up to her mouth and did the Green Goblin spooky laugh.
I laughed. I smiled. I was reminded that this one person meant so much to me. I value her. I care for her. Even though she's stubborn as hell, makes a liar out of me often, and tells very creative little stories that make me wish I was a detective, she still is one of the ones I completely adore, respect and want so badly to get something great out of life.
Who new the Green Goblin could save the day.
I guess it's all in the delivery.
I will hang in there. At least one more day.
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