I worked a long day today.
I started with a couple of young ladies, moved on to the loudest woman on the planet. Had a wee break then went to another young lady who thrives on emotional ups and downs yet doesn't ever realize what's up or what's down ending with someone who snored through karaoke. I started at 7am and got home before 9pm. Shockingly though I had a mini epiphany.
While I was riding home with a few people I support from karaoke we chatted about the Christmas lights, I had commented about them being up already. We talked about the lighting of the lights in the park and when it happened. Then my mind wandered.
I remembered reading an e-mail that Wally sent from work about a new clothing and toy drive at his work. I had contemplated after reading it what we would buy and where it would come from in our new 'we just bought a house' budget.
I wasn't worried about whether or not we'd had money, I knew we had more than enough whether it would fit into our budget or not. But I considered the fact that in our new budget there's the budgeted items: groceries, heat, hydro, gas, insurance, etc. and how when we give, it's generally out of the 'giving' portion. There's a certain amount we set aside to give each month, so when we give that's where the money comes from.
It wasn't until I thought of Christmas as I watched the lights sparkle that at certain times we are called to give out of only what we have not our extra.
You see Wally and I have extra. If you are reading this it is likely you do too.
In order to be careful with our money we plan how we spend it. That is of course excluding when we decide to buy dessert out once in a while, and when we decide to treat ourselves to a meal out, or if there's a new cd one of us wants on itunes or a movie we just have to see. Sometimes those things just pop up, yet it still seems like no big deal to 'squeeze' them into our funds.
How often do we get extra opportunities to spend money on giving. Whether it's buying our friend lunch who's had a bad day (God forbid we don't get a tax receipt when we give!), or picking up a few extra groceries at the store while we're there.
I don't know about you but I too often get caught up in giving out of what I have rather than what I don't.
No, I'm not saying you should be giving on credit in a way that puts you into debt - that would be silly (although of all the kinds of debt to get into that one might be the most forgivable kind). But rather challenging you (and myself) to give out of what we don't have scheduled in to give.
There's a story in the Bible about a widow I believe that gave the last of what she had. could you imagine? When do we ever do that? Generally in this culture we are lucky if we even give out of our extra let alone out of what we're counting on to get us to our next meal. That takes faith.
Not only that somehow your needs will be met, but that your last possession will be appreciated to the capacity that it would be by yourself. I've often not given because I didn't feel someone worthy of my treasure because I didn't know if my 'investment' would pay off.
Why does it really matter though? Are we called to give always in order to reap a reward in whatever way? OR do you think sometimes we are called to give, period? No expectations, just growth.
I know this seems like a kindergarten lesson from Sunday School but it really struck me tonight so I wanted to share.
I find this lesson a little scary but one I hope to put into practice. I think I'm going to try and give out of my budget as well. So if I had $50 give some of it.
It's small but it would be a sacrifice for me. I would feel it. I would notice. It would mean something more than a percentage or just a predetermined number.
Well I'm half asleep on my way to becoming whole asleep.
I hope you got something out of this.
Pretty basic: give. From where you feel it. Then you know your alive and your giving is too.
I know this great place you could send your money too ;)
(Ok, you didn't expect me not to try right?)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Attention: Harvesting results requires planting first!!
'We're getting married', 'We're buying a house', 'Going to Cuba on vacation', 'We're gonna put on a Christmas play', 'I'm raising $10 000 for non profit', I'm going to college', 'I'm going to lose 20 pounds'. And the list can go on and on and on...
All are goals. All are focused on an end result. Just making these statements seems to make you feel like you are one step closer to getting something you want. However none tell you how to do it, what the process is going to be like, or what you may learn along the way. In the moment none of these things matter because all you care about is the end result.
I think I've mentioned before that I am the worst for wanting results yesterday. This is something my trainer was kind enough to point out to me months ago and frustrated both him and Wally to no end (it still frustrates poor Wally). I get so focused on what I want in the end that I forget that there's a learning curve, a process, a growth that needs to happen on my way. Sometimes I just blatantly refuse to do what I'm supposed to do and I still get frustrated that I'm not where I want to be. Then I have to wake up and see that I didn't follow the 'directions' to get to where I planned on going and that obviously I shouldn't expect to be anywhere but where I am in that moment. And where ever that is could be great but I'm so focused on the end destination I don't notice the beautiful waterfalls, incredible views or anything else that is around.
I am trying to learn to accept the process (geez, you'd think I'd just get it and move on to a new lesson already!!). Not only that but to ENJOY the process.
As I am in the throws of fund raising I check my donation link every couple of days and see it stand still I panic a little and wonder what I should do. What I am missing is that I am doing lots right now to prep my little fund raising garden and that generally when you are weeding, tilling soil, and planting seeds you aren't noticing any flowers growing around you. Duh.
This of course applies to pretty much any sort of lofty goal one has in life.
The other day as I was deep in thought over how to acquire $10 000 before the end of June 2011 I, out of no where, realized that in this journey to get to that goal was a process. A process that exceeds any result. A process that could, if I allowed it to, change who I am. It could open my eyes, open my heart, plant a seed and grow something beautiful I couldn't possibly see in a mere $10 000 cheque.
I have already begun to see glimpses of my own selfishness and self-centredness that don't leave me feeling so great. I can only imagine what this could potentially teach me as I pursue to enjoy the process of this opportunity.
So I am now going to refocus a bit and try to accept and embrace what comes of this mini adventure to raise $10 000. I'm sure I will be humbled.
Each day I go to my garden of 'promise' I hope to enjoy the fact that the soil is there, that the seeds are alive, that no garden grows or looks beautiful with lots of weeds, nor is it appreciated as much as it should be without the efforts to get rid of those weeds. I want to embrace the slow and steadiness of it's growth and appreciate each little bud and leaf. I will hopefully trust other gardeners to come it and help me care for it and know that they may often know better what to do than I.
Maybe I'll grow to love gardening. Miracles happen.
What a perfect garden to fall in love with. Than one that harvests promise.
All are goals. All are focused on an end result. Just making these statements seems to make you feel like you are one step closer to getting something you want. However none tell you how to do it, what the process is going to be like, or what you may learn along the way. In the moment none of these things matter because all you care about is the end result.
I think I've mentioned before that I am the worst for wanting results yesterday. This is something my trainer was kind enough to point out to me months ago and frustrated both him and Wally to no end (it still frustrates poor Wally). I get so focused on what I want in the end that I forget that there's a learning curve, a process, a growth that needs to happen on my way. Sometimes I just blatantly refuse to do what I'm supposed to do and I still get frustrated that I'm not where I want to be. Then I have to wake up and see that I didn't follow the 'directions' to get to where I planned on going and that obviously I shouldn't expect to be anywhere but where I am in that moment. And where ever that is could be great but I'm so focused on the end destination I don't notice the beautiful waterfalls, incredible views or anything else that is around.
I am trying to learn to accept the process (geez, you'd think I'd just get it and move on to a new lesson already!!). Not only that but to ENJOY the process.
As I am in the throws of fund raising I check my donation link every couple of days and see it stand still I panic a little and wonder what I should do. What I am missing is that I am doing lots right now to prep my little fund raising garden and that generally when you are weeding, tilling soil, and planting seeds you aren't noticing any flowers growing around you. Duh.
This of course applies to pretty much any sort of lofty goal one has in life.
The other day as I was deep in thought over how to acquire $10 000 before the end of June 2011 I, out of no where, realized that in this journey to get to that goal was a process. A process that exceeds any result. A process that could, if I allowed it to, change who I am. It could open my eyes, open my heart, plant a seed and grow something beautiful I couldn't possibly see in a mere $10 000 cheque.
I have already begun to see glimpses of my own selfishness and self-centredness that don't leave me feeling so great. I can only imagine what this could potentially teach me as I pursue to enjoy the process of this opportunity.
So I am now going to refocus a bit and try to accept and embrace what comes of this mini adventure to raise $10 000. I'm sure I will be humbled.
Each day I go to my garden of 'promise' I hope to enjoy the fact that the soil is there, that the seeds are alive, that no garden grows or looks beautiful with lots of weeds, nor is it appreciated as much as it should be without the efforts to get rid of those weeds. I want to embrace the slow and steadiness of it's growth and appreciate each little bud and leaf. I will hopefully trust other gardeners to come it and help me care for it and know that they may often know better what to do than I.
Maybe I'll grow to love gardening. Miracles happen.
What a perfect garden to fall in love with. Than one that harvests promise.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I can't.
I want to believe this statement. So bad. I want to make it my mantra and say it all of the time, over, and over and believe it in every fiber of my being.
But ... I can't.
Yesterday I was at the gym doing a long awaited strength training session on my own. I had been avoiding one for a good week and a half. I had still gone in to do cardio because I don't mind it as much. I have had a few weeks of straying too far from 'clean eating' (not all of the time at all, just enough to make me feel a difference) so I saw no point in doing a kick ass training session as 80% is indeed what you feed yourself. If you are not doing that right you aren't really changing much.
Anyhow I'd finally decided that enough was enough and I tweaked those unclean eating habits a bit and was feeling back on track, which meant it was now time to tackle this training thing.
Ugh.
I decided in my head that I just had to get in there and do something. Anything. So as I warmed up on the treadmill I scanned through my old workouts with Dee and found one I thought I could mentally get through. It really is all in the mind.
I settled on one and pushed away the guilty feeling of knowing I could do a more challenging one and went about my 'back to the gym for the first time in a week and a half' one.
As I went through the first set of the first group of exercises I thought 'I can do this'. I reminded myself that I just needed to do one set at a time and then could take a rest and regroup. More in my head than with my body.
By the time I finished my second set of the first group I sat on the bench nearly in tears trying my hardest not to cry.
The phrase going through my head: 'I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!'
As those foreign words bustled through my mind I immediately recognized them as intruders. They were obvious lies to me in ways I'd never experienced before. It was like someone was standing there telling me the sky was purple. I was like ' No, not true.'
I'm not sure when it happened but sometime over the last 9months my mind/spirit/emotions have begun to recognize the truth behind the statement 'I can't'. I'm not sure when because when I worked out with Dee I said it all of the time without thought or conviction. Now I honestly can't say 'I can't' and believe it.
I can't.
It's a weird feeling when you realize you are trying very hard to lie to yourself. You honestly feel as though your personality is splitting in two and you are having a conversation with a crazy person (of course probably by now you are crazy but who isn't to some degree right?).
Yesterday as I fought back the tears, red nose and desire to quit I wanted so bad to be allowed to accept that statement. I wanted so bad to believe I couldn't do it. That I couldn't achieve what I wanted. That I couldn't get through that difficult situation.
Instead the truth of 'I can' was staring me square in the face not letting me give up. If it wasn't for that truth I would've walked straight out of that gym 2/3rds the way through that first set. I seriously considered doing that too.
But I didn't. I couldn't. Because if I had I would've been calling what I know is real truth a lie, in turn making me a liar. I don't want to be a liar.
Sometimes the truth sucks even when it holds the potential for every good thing, because it's asking us to believe in it enough to act on it. And acting on it is taking responsibility for what you know.
*sigh*
Who knew knowing 'I can' could be such a big task? Because that means I can do anything that is on my heart to do. Yikes!
We humans are much more comfortable with 'I can't' because it limits us to only what we can see or understand. Though often times I want to believe 'I can't' and my life would likely be much simpler, it would also lack the excitement, the growth, the relationships and the change that 'I can' brings.
Before you think I'm running for a spot in Obama's government (and I'm not saying that would be bad, just that I'm not getting into politics), I'm not. I'm just sharing want can be an incredible truth if you let it in.
I realize there are many things in life you don't have control over, but you do have control over how you look at it right?
I can't = limitations
I can = limitless
But ... I can't.
Yesterday I was at the gym doing a long awaited strength training session on my own. I had been avoiding one for a good week and a half. I had still gone in to do cardio because I don't mind it as much. I have had a few weeks of straying too far from 'clean eating' (not all of the time at all, just enough to make me feel a difference) so I saw no point in doing a kick ass training session as 80% is indeed what you feed yourself. If you are not doing that right you aren't really changing much.
Anyhow I'd finally decided that enough was enough and I tweaked those unclean eating habits a bit and was feeling back on track, which meant it was now time to tackle this training thing.
Ugh.
I decided in my head that I just had to get in there and do something. Anything. So as I warmed up on the treadmill I scanned through my old workouts with Dee and found one I thought I could mentally get through. It really is all in the mind.
I settled on one and pushed away the guilty feeling of knowing I could do a more challenging one and went about my 'back to the gym for the first time in a week and a half' one.
As I went through the first set of the first group of exercises I thought 'I can do this'. I reminded myself that I just needed to do one set at a time and then could take a rest and regroup. More in my head than with my body.
By the time I finished my second set of the first group I sat on the bench nearly in tears trying my hardest not to cry.
The phrase going through my head: 'I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!'
As those foreign words bustled through my mind I immediately recognized them as intruders. They were obvious lies to me in ways I'd never experienced before. It was like someone was standing there telling me the sky was purple. I was like ' No, not true.'
I'm not sure when it happened but sometime over the last 9months my mind/spirit/emotions have begun to recognize the truth behind the statement 'I can't'. I'm not sure when because when I worked out with Dee I said it all of the time without thought or conviction. Now I honestly can't say 'I can't' and believe it.
I can't.
It's a weird feeling when you realize you are trying very hard to lie to yourself. You honestly feel as though your personality is splitting in two and you are having a conversation with a crazy person (of course probably by now you are crazy but who isn't to some degree right?).
Yesterday as I fought back the tears, red nose and desire to quit I wanted so bad to be allowed to accept that statement. I wanted so bad to believe I couldn't do it. That I couldn't achieve what I wanted. That I couldn't get through that difficult situation.
Instead the truth of 'I can' was staring me square in the face not letting me give up. If it wasn't for that truth I would've walked straight out of that gym 2/3rds the way through that first set. I seriously considered doing that too.
But I didn't. I couldn't. Because if I had I would've been calling what I know is real truth a lie, in turn making me a liar. I don't want to be a liar.
Sometimes the truth sucks even when it holds the potential for every good thing, because it's asking us to believe in it enough to act on it. And acting on it is taking responsibility for what you know.
*sigh*
Who knew knowing 'I can' could be such a big task? Because that means I can do anything that is on my heart to do. Yikes!
We humans are much more comfortable with 'I can't' because it limits us to only what we can see or understand. Though often times I want to believe 'I can't' and my life would likely be much simpler, it would also lack the excitement, the growth, the relationships and the change that 'I can' brings.
Before you think I'm running for a spot in Obama's government (and I'm not saying that would be bad, just that I'm not getting into politics), I'm not. I'm just sharing want can be an incredible truth if you let it in.
I realize there are many things in life you don't have control over, but you do have control over how you look at it right?
I can't = limitations
I can = limitless
Friday, October 29, 2010
Up and Down
That's me. But if you read my blog very often you know that already.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm mentally ill or something (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I do think it's a case of over zealousness.
The other day I had a little panic attack at the thought of my goals. I was thinking 'Oh my goodness!!! What did I do? Who commits to raising $10 000 for a place in only a few months?' I then thought of my trainer goal and pondered 'Why did I say I wanted this? It's not really me, people would only laugh at the thought. I'm not committed enough or good enough to do this!' I kept thinking .... 'Bikini goal - why would I ever be that superficial? I don't even really believe women should wear bikinis in public, why would I ever say that?'
Upon my first thought of panic grew many more. With each one they got more negative and disbelieving.
Shame on me.
After getting excited yesterday morning at the my current '$100 Jar' Fundraiser that I'm starting over the weekend, I had shared with a couple of people at work my plan and they looked at me like I was nuts. I came home deflated and in doubt. I declared to Wally: 'I can't do it. I can't raise $10 000!!'.
However the second those words came out of my mouth I knew it was a lie. So the second that followed the first I renounced it with 'That's I lie. I know I can'. At which time I proceeded to slump over on the couch with depression.
Ok so I'll admit it, I thought fund raising was going to start out a wee bit easier. I knew the money would exactly fly in but I thought it was at least take a gondola or something.
Last night I planned to have the first fund raising meeting to begin looking at different ideas and ways we could look at reaching the goal. Initially there was a group of us, then by the time the night came we were down to two. At first I was going to cancel, but then I realized the power of two. The importance of the other very willing person who wanted to be a part of this project with me. That's when I decided that though I hope next time we meet there will be more people to bounce ideas off of (and delegate jobs to!), whether there is or not I've committed myself and if we're it, we're it! I am so thankful for the excitement of Glo (her name says it all!!) and how she has encouraged me in this endeavor.
I have learned fast that when YOU commit to do something YOU are committing to it, not everyone around you. You cannot blame them for not seeing your vision or carrying your burden. They have their own visions and their own burdens. If they join yours that's great, if not, that's more than ok too.
In light of this reality I have begun my first fund raising project within my grand $10 000 goal.
As I mentioned it has to do with jars. What I've done is collected 20 jars and will be labeling them with information about Compasio, their website and where the money from the jars will be going (the 2-3 motorcycles for them to go out and do first aid, feed the hungry, find orphaned babies in the dump - I'm not kidding!!). People have from when they get their jar until January 1st to collect as much money as they can, the minimum goal being $100. The person who has collected the most money over $100 will win a gift certificate of $100 to a place of their choosing!
I have just posted a note on facebook so I guess I'll see. I need to step back and NOT look at the response as I am admittedly fearful it will get completely ignored. As I said though, no one said this would be easy and for me to learn the most out of this experience I know it shouldn't be easy. I am decidedly looking forward to the challenge.
I MUST mention the amazing encouragement I've already received while pursuing this goal. I posted the link to my 'Seeds of Promise Campaign' and 3 people had donated $130!! Last night I checked again and see that another person has donated $50!!
The frustrating part is I don't have access to know who has given - however in the same light I am sort of glad. It ultimately doesn't matter who gave what - it's that they heard a message and were willing to help.
Not everyone can necessarily give money. I can't really give Compasio $10 000. Well, I could but I might need to find a new place to live. I CAN help spread the word about the work that they do and the children's lives they literally save everyday.
Maybe you can't give $100 but maybe you could get a jar and let me know so I can send you a label and we together can changes some lives. Better yet, let's save them!
P.S. I realize I myself can't raise $10 000. But I know the One who has placed this in my heart can give me what I need to make it happen. He's pretty cool that way.
If you gave: Thank you
If you are grabbing a jar: Thank you
If you are cheering me on quietly: Thank you
If you are a part of something other than this to give back: Thank you
If you are reading: Thank you
A million times: Thank you
Sometimes I wonder if I'm mentally ill or something (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I do think it's a case of over zealousness.
The other day I had a little panic attack at the thought of my goals. I was thinking 'Oh my goodness!!! What did I do? Who commits to raising $10 000 for a place in only a few months?' I then thought of my trainer goal and pondered 'Why did I say I wanted this? It's not really me, people would only laugh at the thought. I'm not committed enough or good enough to do this!' I kept thinking .... 'Bikini goal - why would I ever be that superficial? I don't even really believe women should wear bikinis in public, why would I ever say that?'
Upon my first thought of panic grew many more. With each one they got more negative and disbelieving.
Shame on me.
After getting excited yesterday morning at the my current '$100 Jar' Fundraiser that I'm starting over the weekend, I had shared with a couple of people at work my plan and they looked at me like I was nuts. I came home deflated and in doubt. I declared to Wally: 'I can't do it. I can't raise $10 000!!'.
However the second those words came out of my mouth I knew it was a lie. So the second that followed the first I renounced it with 'That's I lie. I know I can'. At which time I proceeded to slump over on the couch with depression.
Ok so I'll admit it, I thought fund raising was going to start out a wee bit easier. I knew the money would exactly fly in but I thought it was at least take a gondola or something.
Last night I planned to have the first fund raising meeting to begin looking at different ideas and ways we could look at reaching the goal. Initially there was a group of us, then by the time the night came we were down to two. At first I was going to cancel, but then I realized the power of two. The importance of the other very willing person who wanted to be a part of this project with me. That's when I decided that though I hope next time we meet there will be more people to bounce ideas off of (and delegate jobs to!), whether there is or not I've committed myself and if we're it, we're it! I am so thankful for the excitement of Glo (her name says it all!!) and how she has encouraged me in this endeavor.
I have learned fast that when YOU commit to do something YOU are committing to it, not everyone around you. You cannot blame them for not seeing your vision or carrying your burden. They have their own visions and their own burdens. If they join yours that's great, if not, that's more than ok too.
In light of this reality I have begun my first fund raising project within my grand $10 000 goal.
As I mentioned it has to do with jars. What I've done is collected 20 jars and will be labeling them with information about Compasio, their website and where the money from the jars will be going (the 2-3 motorcycles for them to go out and do first aid, feed the hungry, find orphaned babies in the dump - I'm not kidding!!). People have from when they get their jar until January 1st to collect as much money as they can, the minimum goal being $100. The person who has collected the most money over $100 will win a gift certificate of $100 to a place of their choosing!
I have just posted a note on facebook so I guess I'll see. I need to step back and NOT look at the response as I am admittedly fearful it will get completely ignored. As I said though, no one said this would be easy and for me to learn the most out of this experience I know it shouldn't be easy. I am decidedly looking forward to the challenge.
I MUST mention the amazing encouragement I've already received while pursuing this goal. I posted the link to my 'Seeds of Promise Campaign' and 3 people had donated $130!! Last night I checked again and see that another person has donated $50!!
The frustrating part is I don't have access to know who has given - however in the same light I am sort of glad. It ultimately doesn't matter who gave what - it's that they heard a message and were willing to help.
Not everyone can necessarily give money. I can't really give Compasio $10 000. Well, I could but I might need to find a new place to live. I CAN help spread the word about the work that they do and the children's lives they literally save everyday.
Maybe you can't give $100 but maybe you could get a jar and let me know so I can send you a label and we together can changes some lives. Better yet, let's save them!
P.S. I realize I myself can't raise $10 000. But I know the One who has placed this in my heart can give me what I need to make it happen. He's pretty cool that way.
If you gave: Thank you
If you are grabbing a jar: Thank you
If you are cheering me on quietly: Thank you
If you are a part of something other than this to give back: Thank you
If you are reading: Thank you
A million times: Thank you
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Stressful Passion
Those two words don't seem to match very well but I'd say they are pretty accurate descriptions of what my husband is complaining I am lately.
He actually said to me the other day 'You're zest for life is stressing me out!'. I think he began to recognize it more when I proposed me working probably stresses him out. After he thought on it for a while he found the stress coming from somewhere else... oops.
Is it still passion if it's stressful or should it really have another description? Who knows? I have just really learned that my pursuit of balance got sorely lost somewhere on my trail blaze and my true believe system along with it.
A few months ago I sat ready to give up the monetary benefits of working full full-time and rest in the knowledge of the bigger, deeper benefits of living from peace and genuine choice about each action I make and how it will benefit those around me as well as myself.
I now feel just as caught up in life as I did before and as a result missing out on a feeling of satisfaction and presence that I long to have. It's easy for me to defend my current state and say 'Working 30 hrs a week doesn't really make a difference in my life - I'm the same as when I work 35 or 40'. But in reality I think I know the truth.
A truth that mocks and teases my ability to do a great job working full time at one job. The job I sold my house to go back to school to do. That fact is what keeps staring me in the face and making me question any thoughts of wisdom over doing what's expecting of me.
It's the comments from others, the self scrutiny, and all that trails behind that prevents me from feeling justified in doing what I know in my heart would benefit all and bring growth and truth.
I care too much about what others think.
I care too much about what I think.
Yet by doing so I am clearly NOT caring about what can make a huge difference. I am caring about the superficial, not what is real.
Hmmmm .... when I put it that way I am very embarrassed.
My whole pursuit in life is to be a real, honest person and to help others be the same way. Why is cutting a few hours of something that is clearly unhealthy for me so difficult?!
Today I don't have an answer but if you have one please share.
Passion for life is awesome and I'm glad I have a little spark but I fear that if I keep pairing it with the description of 'stress' it will be snuffed out while I'm not looking. That would simply be sad.
What would you do?
He actually said to me the other day 'You're zest for life is stressing me out!'. I think he began to recognize it more when I proposed me working probably stresses him out. After he thought on it for a while he found the stress coming from somewhere else... oops.
Is it still passion if it's stressful or should it really have another description? Who knows? I have just really learned that my pursuit of balance got sorely lost somewhere on my trail blaze and my true believe system along with it.
A few months ago I sat ready to give up the monetary benefits of working full full-time and rest in the knowledge of the bigger, deeper benefits of living from peace and genuine choice about each action I make and how it will benefit those around me as well as myself.
I now feel just as caught up in life as I did before and as a result missing out on a feeling of satisfaction and presence that I long to have. It's easy for me to defend my current state and say 'Working 30 hrs a week doesn't really make a difference in my life - I'm the same as when I work 35 or 40'. But in reality I think I know the truth.
A truth that mocks and teases my ability to do a great job working full time at one job. The job I sold my house to go back to school to do. That fact is what keeps staring me in the face and making me question any thoughts of wisdom over doing what's expecting of me.
It's the comments from others, the self scrutiny, and all that trails behind that prevents me from feeling justified in doing what I know in my heart would benefit all and bring growth and truth.
I care too much about what others think.
I care too much about what I think.
Yet by doing so I am clearly NOT caring about what can make a huge difference. I am caring about the superficial, not what is real.
Hmmmm .... when I put it that way I am very embarrassed.
My whole pursuit in life is to be a real, honest person and to help others be the same way. Why is cutting a few hours of something that is clearly unhealthy for me so difficult?!
Today I don't have an answer but if you have one please share.
Passion for life is awesome and I'm glad I have a little spark but I fear that if I keep pairing it with the description of 'stress' it will be snuffed out while I'm not looking. That would simply be sad.
What would you do?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sand Specks
I had brilliant thoughts this morning as I was walking the dogs. When I came in I thought 'Go blog now so you can get them out!' Why would I ever listen to myself?
Instead I proceeded to get dressed and ready, gather change for parking, print out an e-mail for work, check and respond to more e-mail from work, facebook, order something on Amazon (but not really because I don't have our info, so it's still waiting), and now I'm here and can't completely remember my brilliance.
Brilliant.
Give me a sec.
One thought keeps coming back to nag be through out my little journey a la body. The reminder that real, true change happens in little tiny molecules of adjustment (I'm using molecules as a metaphor though if you want to take it literally go ahead).
I keep hearing over and over from so many different people, in regards to weight loss and fitness, that they've 'tried everything', they are 'doing everything right', that 'nothing works'. To which I say 'I totally get what you are saying!!'
Because I've worked out with a trainer for 6 months, that by itself means I should be cellulite free right? I've eaten nearly clean for 3 months, hello with the sacrifices I've made I feel as though I should have modeling agencies knocking down my door to have me in a bikini front and centre of the next issue. I've tried to dedicate every choice to making the right one over the past 8 months or so.
The thing is I have been balanced for only a brief period of time with all of these things. I have struggled to make good choices, fought to keep up the work outs and rarely been squeaky clean with my intake. Because I haven't made all of these decisions perfectly all of the time should I give up? Because I don't have the outcome yet that I want should I forget it all and call it wrong? Because I'm not 'there yet' should I stop?
When I began my journey with everything months ago I made the decision to try the trainer and see where it lead. I had small goals and little desire to be anything more than improved. As I've gone along I have made one small choice after another. With each bad choice I've considered making it my first of an eternity of negative choices because I knew I wasn't being perfect so why try even to be 'good'? For some reason having the piece of cake seems to lead us down an 'I'm making a bad choice this gives me permission to make another 10 bad choices' road.
Recognizing this thought and a myriad of others I think is what has changed my inner dialogue so much. Now I will say it has by no means stopped me from making a string a bad choices once the first one was made but instead of 10 bad ones maybe one day it's only 7 and another only 5. Some days if I'm really doing well I by pass them altogether. However still even after all these months I am continuing to struggle my way through the mental game of what's ok and what's a ridiculous expectation to hold.
I don't really know why exactly I haven't given up yet. Maybe it's because I am not interested in a legalistic point of view and I know that it's not necessary with others things so why this? I got rid of this in my faith a few years ago and I have no interest adopting it back into my healthful lifestyle. My hope is to be real and honest to myself and others as to what real change consists of.
I know that if I'd achieved my goal in 6 months it would have been temporary and superficial. This is not at all something I ever want to be.
At the same time I have been challenged by so many people's thoughts, opinions and beliefs to 'settle' where I'm at in my fitness journey. I have been tempted over and over to take people up on their comfortable offers. However I can't. I just can't. And it has nothing to do with being a number (may I remind you I don't measure or weigh myself often at all right now and that's the way it should be.
I feel as though people give themselves an 'out' with so many things in life. Mine would be my fitness journey. People would tell me 'You look great! You can stop! You don't have to give up that!' Blah, Blah, Blah.
However they are missing the point for me. This is my challenge. My challenge to believe in the impossible. This is the impossible for me. To change how I see my self, how others see me (I am meaning those who have known me since the years of over weight and out of shapeness). To be what I would never ever in a trillion years believe I could be. That is what my journey is really about.
When I had my core gift done (I mentioned this months ago) I was shocked to find out that it related directly back to my most distraught moment as an overweight little girl, the moment I felt most alone and unaccepted. Your core gift is what life has broken out of you. I was sure it would have been something else because I was sure I was way past my years of teasing and believing I was less because of my image. I had no idea how real and deep that wound was.
We all have wounds. We all have 'the impossible' in our lives. My bet is that they are related but maybe they aren't always, I don't know.
I do know that I have been given a spark for figuring out this inner dialogue so many people struggle with when it comes to their bodies, but more over actually when it comes to doing anything in their lives. I have a drive to finish what I've started so I can help others do the same. 'Finish' in this case is a lifetime long event.
One piece of sand on the scale may seem to mean nothing. But when you add another and then another and keep going all of those little tiny pieces become effective in moving the scale in the right direction. It may take a while to get anything to move, and there may be times when you don't add a piece for quite sometime but no doubt they are doing something.
Don't doubt the effectiveness of the seemingly little decisions you make (bad or good). When you add them up they do something.
One way or another.
Instead I proceeded to get dressed and ready, gather change for parking, print out an e-mail for work, check and respond to more e-mail from work, facebook, order something on Amazon (but not really because I don't have our info, so it's still waiting), and now I'm here and can't completely remember my brilliance.
Brilliant.
Give me a sec.
One thought keeps coming back to nag be through out my little journey a la body. The reminder that real, true change happens in little tiny molecules of adjustment (I'm using molecules as a metaphor though if you want to take it literally go ahead).
I keep hearing over and over from so many different people, in regards to weight loss and fitness, that they've 'tried everything', they are 'doing everything right', that 'nothing works'. To which I say 'I totally get what you are saying!!'
Because I've worked out with a trainer for 6 months, that by itself means I should be cellulite free right? I've eaten nearly clean for 3 months, hello with the sacrifices I've made I feel as though I should have modeling agencies knocking down my door to have me in a bikini front and centre of the next issue. I've tried to dedicate every choice to making the right one over the past 8 months or so.
The thing is I have been balanced for only a brief period of time with all of these things. I have struggled to make good choices, fought to keep up the work outs and rarely been squeaky clean with my intake. Because I haven't made all of these decisions perfectly all of the time should I give up? Because I don't have the outcome yet that I want should I forget it all and call it wrong? Because I'm not 'there yet' should I stop?
When I began my journey with everything months ago I made the decision to try the trainer and see where it lead. I had small goals and little desire to be anything more than improved. As I've gone along I have made one small choice after another. With each bad choice I've considered making it my first of an eternity of negative choices because I knew I wasn't being perfect so why try even to be 'good'? For some reason having the piece of cake seems to lead us down an 'I'm making a bad choice this gives me permission to make another 10 bad choices' road.
Recognizing this thought and a myriad of others I think is what has changed my inner dialogue so much. Now I will say it has by no means stopped me from making a string a bad choices once the first one was made but instead of 10 bad ones maybe one day it's only 7 and another only 5. Some days if I'm really doing well I by pass them altogether. However still even after all these months I am continuing to struggle my way through the mental game of what's ok and what's a ridiculous expectation to hold.
I don't really know why exactly I haven't given up yet. Maybe it's because I am not interested in a legalistic point of view and I know that it's not necessary with others things so why this? I got rid of this in my faith a few years ago and I have no interest adopting it back into my healthful lifestyle. My hope is to be real and honest to myself and others as to what real change consists of.
I know that if I'd achieved my goal in 6 months it would have been temporary and superficial. This is not at all something I ever want to be.
At the same time I have been challenged by so many people's thoughts, opinions and beliefs to 'settle' where I'm at in my fitness journey. I have been tempted over and over to take people up on their comfortable offers. However I can't. I just can't. And it has nothing to do with being a number (may I remind you I don't measure or weigh myself often at all right now and that's the way it should be.
I feel as though people give themselves an 'out' with so many things in life. Mine would be my fitness journey. People would tell me 'You look great! You can stop! You don't have to give up that!' Blah, Blah, Blah.
However they are missing the point for me. This is my challenge. My challenge to believe in the impossible. This is the impossible for me. To change how I see my self, how others see me (I am meaning those who have known me since the years of over weight and out of shapeness). To be what I would never ever in a trillion years believe I could be. That is what my journey is really about.
When I had my core gift done (I mentioned this months ago) I was shocked to find out that it related directly back to my most distraught moment as an overweight little girl, the moment I felt most alone and unaccepted. Your core gift is what life has broken out of you. I was sure it would have been something else because I was sure I was way past my years of teasing and believing I was less because of my image. I had no idea how real and deep that wound was.
We all have wounds. We all have 'the impossible' in our lives. My bet is that they are related but maybe they aren't always, I don't know.
I do know that I have been given a spark for figuring out this inner dialogue so many people struggle with when it comes to their bodies, but more over actually when it comes to doing anything in their lives. I have a drive to finish what I've started so I can help others do the same. 'Finish' in this case is a lifetime long event.
One piece of sand on the scale may seem to mean nothing. But when you add another and then another and keep going all of those little tiny pieces become effective in moving the scale in the right direction. It may take a while to get anything to move, and there may be times when you don't add a piece for quite sometime but no doubt they are doing something.
Don't doubt the effectiveness of the seemingly little decisions you make (bad or good). When you add them up they do something.
One way or another.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A Little Message
I want to write.
I want to share more stories with you. Not my complaints anymore but my learnings. I want to share and learn myself. I want to reflect.
Why does it seem so difficult to find the time?
Why is it so hard to figure out what to give up and what to attend to?
Hmmmmm. I don't know really. Just that I have a couple of stories I'd love to share, some fun, some thoughtful.
Tonight I need to go to bed so instead I'll give you a list like the old days.
Recent stuff ...
I've been asked twice int he past 2 weeks why I'm not wearing my wedding rings. I stopped wearing them weeks ago because they started falling off after I lost weight. I get offended when people ask me why I don't wear rings. I don't know if this is good or bad. But it is how I feel when they ask. (By the way, I feel not one twinge of guilt for not wearing them, I love my husband).
I got my first speeding ticket Tuesday. Rather than feeling scared or fearful when the cop pulled me over my first thought was 'This will be a great story to tell'. Maybe I'll put it to paper (even though there's not a lot to it).
I learned today that the very slow walking person I support (who has no physical reason why she must walk at a turtle's pace), still walks as if her feet are glued to the ground even when it's pouring rain.
A family member and I have recently resolved a long standing offense. I have found the forgiveness shared has healed many a wounds and given me deeper joy and peace than I knew I could feel in that relationship. It's never too late.
I wondered at the stars this morning
I'm continuing to learn a lot. A LOT during my journey of getting fit and such. I am daily amazed at how never ending the trip is. I hope to share.
I used the treadmill at the gym for the first time the other day. Yes I've been at the gym for 9 months I have been terrified to go on in fear that my body would become imprinted in the wall at the back of the gym. I acquainted myself very well with the emergency stop button before I went to fast.
I have realized that my $10 000 goal is incredibly huge. Though I'm am admittedly a bit fearful I am also thankful that I made the goal bigger than myself. That way when I reach it I will be humbled and amazed at ... well several things.
I must go now and sleep.
Live. Please live. Full and strong. Real and bright. Love and laugh and feel joy.
Thanks
Eva :)
I want to share more stories with you. Not my complaints anymore but my learnings. I want to share and learn myself. I want to reflect.
Why does it seem so difficult to find the time?
Why is it so hard to figure out what to give up and what to attend to?
Hmmmmm. I don't know really. Just that I have a couple of stories I'd love to share, some fun, some thoughtful.
Tonight I need to go to bed so instead I'll give you a list like the old days.
Recent stuff ...
I've been asked twice int he past 2 weeks why I'm not wearing my wedding rings. I stopped wearing them weeks ago because they started falling off after I lost weight. I get offended when people ask me why I don't wear rings. I don't know if this is good or bad. But it is how I feel when they ask. (By the way, I feel not one twinge of guilt for not wearing them, I love my husband).
I got my first speeding ticket Tuesday. Rather than feeling scared or fearful when the cop pulled me over my first thought was 'This will be a great story to tell'. Maybe I'll put it to paper (even though there's not a lot to it).
I learned today that the very slow walking person I support (who has no physical reason why she must walk at a turtle's pace), still walks as if her feet are glued to the ground even when it's pouring rain.
A family member and I have recently resolved a long standing offense. I have found the forgiveness shared has healed many a wounds and given me deeper joy and peace than I knew I could feel in that relationship. It's never too late.
I wondered at the stars this morning
I'm continuing to learn a lot. A LOT during my journey of getting fit and such. I am daily amazed at how never ending the trip is. I hope to share.
I used the treadmill at the gym for the first time the other day. Yes I've been at the gym for 9 months I have been terrified to go on in fear that my body would become imprinted in the wall at the back of the gym. I acquainted myself very well with the emergency stop button before I went to fast.
I have realized that my $10 000 goal is incredibly huge. Though I'm am admittedly a bit fearful I am also thankful that I made the goal bigger than myself. That way when I reach it I will be humbled and amazed at ... well several things.
I must go now and sleep.
Live. Please live. Full and strong. Real and bright. Love and laugh and feel joy.
Thanks
Eva :)
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