1,2,3,4,5,6,7. Nope, it's not.
However it often feels like it. Both when you are trying to get it and then trying to maintain it. Oh and let's not forget when others are jealous of you having it.
I have not quite yet reached the last stage but I sense that it is fast approaching (or at least I hope so, more in terms of just me having balance than people hating me for it).
This topic is brought to you by the letter F which stands for Food. (Although considering what I've written so far could be used in many other ways. Such a versatile letter, especially when put in 4 letter words :)
It's interesting that I have just recently been successful (or at least closer than I've ever been) at trying to balance my work, family, and social lives. Of course I am at the infancy stage in learning this technique and perhaps could be considered only barely able to walk. I know that I will still fall down once in a while and bump my head and probably scrape my knees but at least I have finally pulled myself up onto my feet. It's one step past crawling, so I'll take it.
As most of you know I started the journey of balance in regards to my body several months ago. I suppose I could say I've been working on this for years but really I was doing the equivalent of crawling on a hamster wheel. Not going very fast, only in circles and I definitely hadn't yet pulled myself up yet.
I started really working on things nearly 6 months ago when I signed up at the gym with a personal trainer. Initially I had images that I'd lose a few pounds in the 12 weeks committed to see him and then I'd be on my merry way. I had no crazy ideas that I'd become a swim suit model or gain some super muscular physique or anything. I really just wanted to be at a healthy weight and learn how to use the gym.
After my first 12 weeks were up I still wasn't happy. I was beginning to see that there was so much more to my struggle than I ever knew before (or at least than I was willing to admit).
I really just wanted to show up, do the work with Dee and go home. I didn't have any desire to completely change my eating for life, or give up my binging. I just wanted to lose the weight from the past few years and then try and keep it off. Little did I know or want to accept the fact that part of keeping off my departed weight would require me in fact change my whole life.
Once I got into my final 3 months with Dee I got a little more serious about learning about food. I researched, read and learned more than I ever knew about putting good things in my body. Once I was empowered by knowledge making good choices seemed pretty easy. Well .... until I started experimenting.
In my studies I learned healthy ways to lose the last 5-10 pounds. I thought 'Hey! That's where I'm at, I should give it a try!' I'm not sure why I thought this was necessary as I was doing great making 'Clean Eating' my lifestyle. It honestly wasn't all that difficult and I had adjusted very well. However I'd stopped losing weight for, well, a week.
I guess what frustrated me was the fact that I was holding onto my last ten pounds like my life depended on it. This was very frustrating. Rather than take a look at my new 'clean' diet and deciding to tweak here or there I skipped that idea altogether and went straight for the extreme (yet still healthy) food plan. I knew it wasn't dangerous or anything it was just very unappetizing and really needed dedication. I was able to stick to 3 of the 7 days - my goal was to get through 5 days. I would have been overjoyed even with my 3 days if it weren't for the fact that by the end I was in 'give up mode'.
I had not experienced 'give up mode' at all during my 4 weeks of 'clean' eating, not once. Probably because during those four weeks my goal was simple: 6 meals a day, all clean, no extremes. It worked. I loved everything I was eating, there was tons of variety and I felt no guilt over anything I put into my body. It was great.
After 3 days of less than appealing food, monotony, and more water than one wants to put in or out of their body in a day I was done. I had forgotten that 'clean' eating wasn't an extreme and I was ready to leave it all behind for Doritos and cupcakes.
So during the next few days while at social engagements I enjoyed the coincidentally available treats as often as I could. (Hmmmmmm ... no coincidence that I took cheesy salsa chips and dip, along with cutely decorated cupcakes to our family picnic on the weekend).
Last night Wally and I decided to be responsible and make 'clean' cookies that did not end well when the cookies stuck to my baking stones. Our stove top appeared to be host to a serious cookie massacre by the end of the evening. We collected all of the crumbs together and I 'tested' them through the evening. By the end of it I knew I'd probably eaten at least half the batch and I felt horrible - in every way. It was the feeling I had after a binge in the olden days. I hadn't felt that way in months and it was heart crushing. As if the 'cheating' during our social times wasn't enough I had to abuse my alternative too.
I woke up still depressed with myself and had Wally saying to me over and over 'Turn your frustration into motivation!' I was really to turn my frustration into something. And it wasn't motivation.
As I puttered about this morning, trying hard to avoid going to the gym to practice working out on my own I began to think of the newly acquired balance in my work life. Then I thought of how I tried an extreme method to lose my last 10 last week. I realized I am still getting used to my new eating lifestyle and I had lost my general focus completely. I wanted the end result now (as usual). I don't want to have to work out for the rest of my life to get to where I want to be, I just want to do it for a little while in hopes that I can get there quicker and enjoy it faster.
But life's not like that, with anything. Both with work or with food, it's easy to think 'Oh if I work overtime for the next 6 months I can save up for that house faster' or 'If I try this strict diet I'll be where I want to be so much faster and then I can have what I want again'. Instead we forget about all of the other things in our lives that we need to give up to get there. Some of them are good sacrifices, things that we can do without, trimming the fat so to speak, but some of them are necessary 'fats', things we need to be and stay healthy.
I am beginning to see that fast anything isn't healthy, extreme anything isn't healthy. BALANCE is healthy.
Right now I need to step back once again and reassess my physical goals and see where balance is lacking. I need to refresh my mind and simplify things because I know all of the answers are indeed right in front of me. I've been struggling a lot lately knowing that I have only 6 more sessions with Dee and that after wards I'll be all alone. This scares me ... a lot.
However this time I must remind myself that I am equipped with knowledge. I know what to do, there are no secrets, I just need to do it.
Dee pulled me up initially, but in the mean time he taught me how to walk. Though I was very shaky at first, I fell a lot, I got bumped and bruised (figuratively and literally) this doesn't take away from the fact that I now can walk. I just need to remember to use my balance.
Hmmmmmm .... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. Wow, it seems like a four letter word.
Maybe one of these days it will make sense.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Following my gut
This week I gave myself a challenge. OR maybe I should say I took up a challenge that I have been trying to give myself over and over during the past few months.
I had received an e-mail about scheduling that would be taking place at work. I, as usual, procrastinated sitting down and responding. If I was interested in more permanent hours I was supposed to send in my current permanent schedule. Because of recent changes at a home most of my hours come from I had just gone under my necessary requirements in hours for keeping in my wait period for my benefits. This put me in the place of needing more hours. Which in turn put me at the mercy of the managers, which put me in a spot of taking whatever they offer, which takes me away from my goal of developing a schedule that's right for me.
I finally sat down and went through my current work times and decided that while I was at this I would commit to making myself a weekend every single week (which would be 2 consecutive days off every week). The expectation is that you will work every other weekend for sure and many go beyond and work every weekend and take their days off during the week. For the first 5 months I did work any and every shift offered to me and quickly learned that doesn't provide for a healthy marriage or a healthy me.
Recently I mentioned how much I have noticed the toll my family, friends and self have taken. Maybe I'm weak, I don't really care, I just know that for me and what I want out of life it wasn't working.
As I sat I carved out one week with Saturday/Sunday off and the other with Friday Saturday off. Perfection really. I left all other days open to their willing. Though I wanted to limit evenings I didn't because I thought that may be pushing it.
I was really proud of myself when I clicked the 'send' button and said good bye to my rather bold e-mail. Though there was a little part of me that feared what the managers thought, a larger part of me had given up on caring. OR perhaps wizened up.
I had decided ahead that by no means did I deserve in work terms to receive anything I was asking for. I decided it was ok for them to say 'No way honey, we're not giving you the schedule of your dreams. You haven't been tortured long enough to have earned it. So, no more shifts for you, say good bye to your benefits!' In that moment I accepted the attitude that may (or probably would) arise and the ramifications of it. I also accepted the fact that work is just work and that old saying (or maybe it's just a saying, or maybe it's just something I heard once) 'Does anyone ever say: I wish I'd worked more, on their death bed?' No they don't.
I decided that I would not feel guilty for being at a place in my life where having my husband/partner at a successful job meant that I didn't need job security in a way I had become accustomed to. By no means am I saying I won't be working full time or that it will always be this way, but rather I am trying to put myself in a place where I love every thing I'm doing at my job (the best I can anyway) and be in a place emotionally where I am not dreading any part of it.
I knew it was a risky and seemingly selfish move but one I was finally ready to make. I was worth it and so were the people I supported that had to put up with me day after day - they deserve to have a worker that is excited to see them. I did it. I put me first. And in doing so I put others first too.
Later the day of the scheduling I was in the office with someone I was supporting for something else and we had to talk to my manager about something. While there she mentioned a possible shift that had come up. I looked at it and it fit perfectly into my request - perfectly. It got me to my 'benefit requirement', it averaged out my permanent schedule to 28.5 hours every week (24 one week and 33 the next), leaving me needing to only pick up a couple of shifts every couple of weeks and I'd reach my balanced goal of 35 hrs a week. It was indeed exactly what I hoped for.
But, as with most things, there was a catch. I was asked to give up a 3 hour every other week shift with someone I had only really gotten to know recently. She was a young lady relatively new to the agency, completely new to getting support and really left without family in her life and struggling to figure out how this life thing is supposed to work. She only has myself and one other staff as supports and still has not really gotten to know any other staff yet. I clicked with her well and she has become fairly comfortable with me (in my opinion) and I was being told to give that up because 'it's 4 hours every week Eva, that's much better than 3 every other'.
Initially I didn't get it. I thought I was being offered a new awesome shift and I just had to rework my schedule to fit my shorter shift in. Then I realized I was being asked to choose and it was a whole other ball game. It was no longer about the person I was supporting, it was a numbers game - one I had no interest in playing.
By the time I had left the office (still with the young lady I was supporting - not the one this shift was regarding), I was doing everything in my power to hold back the tears. My manager had assumed I would jump at the shift. It was clearly everything I wanted. Who wouldn't want it? Was I stupid? No. I wanted it. Really bad. BUT I couldn't fathom giving up on this young lady. I know I am not the be all and end all in her life. In fact I am only 3 hours every other week, equaling very little in numbers. However, I am one more consistent person than she has had in a very long time. Her life over the past couple of years and especially the past several months has been anything but consistent. She needs consistency right now more than anything, and she deserves it. If it were a year from now it might be a whole different story, but it is now and right now I am not ready to leave her.
I continued on with my shift and let myself feel and cry (though as dryly as I could). Luckily the girl I was with is not all that observant and we were very busy so it was ok to do so. When the shift was over I went home and cried for real. I bawled my eyes out, my nose caught a flame and my make up disappeared. I blubbered out an explanation to Wally as best I could as to why I was so distraught.
His response was different than I expected. As I told him I felt that I had no choice but to give up the permanent longer shift they were offering because to give up on this girl just wasn't right, he advocated for what might be right for me: consistency of my own, time for myself. I stopped and listened to his point. He was right in a way and I was glad he was being my reasoning in that emotional moment, but I knew in my gut that for some reason this situation wasn't about me sacrificing my needs but more a gut feeling of doing what I felt was in me to do. Nothing heroic just what fit. He understood and supported whatever decision I would make.
I knew beyond a doubt that I would turn down the offer and stay with the person I was currently supporting. By no means, was this an easy decision to commit to just because I knew it was the right thing to do (and by 'right thing' I mean what my gut was telling me I should do), I mean that's much of the reason I was crying. It wasn't painless to turn down something that seemed so perfect, it hurt to know that I would stop my wait period for my benefits (even though I don't need them it's something I would really like to achieve on my own), it pinched to think that management would likely see me as casual and complacent about my career goals. However it's not all about me, right?
Just as I was about to e-mail my manager and give her the likely unexpected news to decline the larger shift over the smaller one, I ran into the manager of the girl I was asked to give up my shift with, she knew the situation. She too was disappointed in how things were turning out. She knew this young lady wouldn't adapt well to yet more change and told me to hold on for a little longer as she felt it necessary to advocate for this young lady to keep her current staff. It was a glimmer of hope. For both the young lady and myself.
Part of me wasn't really worried about this young lady because I had no intention of leaving but I suppose I was concerned for how management would react to me turning down a perfectly generous shift offer. It would look even worse than the fact that I asked for such a particular schedule. I held tight.
By the end of the next day I had opened my e-mail and learned that all involved agreed that it was best for me to stay with this young lady in the end and because this is what they wanted I would also be allowed to take the offered shift. As far as I know now everything should work out smoothly.
I feel rather guilty because I know that I have only been around for 8 months working (almost a year including my placement) and I have a decent schedule, my perfect one. I will certainly not ever be complaining about it and if I do I sure hope someone is there to kick me in the pants. With that being said though I do feel like following my gut during my time at this place, all the way from the beginning, has rewarded me - I don't mean through people either.
What I mean is, so far I have followed my gut each time I've felt unsure or uneasy about a situation. I accessed my first manager when I didn't feel comfortable with how a situation was being handled and made myself vulnerable to share my feelings, rather than pretending I was good enough to just handle everything myself.
After an unusual med error after 4 straight months of chaos and doing everything asked of me and knowing instantly it was due to fatigue and burn out I fessed up to my then manager that I felt I was in need of a break and I soon took one.
I spent numerous team meetings speaking up and asking questions after questions about how to problem solve or what answers we could come to after being given a bit of a run around. I know that I was becoming an unwelcome voice but one I wouldn't quiet.
Recently I had the privilege of helping Vivvie reunite with her brother in a way that kicked up a little sand in the agency and probably changed how some people looked at me - not sure if that's so good or not, but I don't care really.
I have been avoiding one of the strongest pulls of my heart for a couple of months now to pull back and be more deliberate about my work. To do what is right for me. This was my first step to doing that and I was challenged back with the question: 'But are you willing to do what is right for those you support?' I have mentioned before that I have wanted to be more genuine and immediate in my response to these challenges, I wanted to be able to answer sooner with a real, heartfelt 'yes!'.
I am happy to say that in this newest case I was able to respond quickly with my gut and I felt good about it. No doubt, I was feeling the pain of the possible consequences and selfishly wanted everything my way, but I can't change the human part of me overnight. Ultimately I am happy that I overcame two obstacles: doing what was going to be right for me by carving out a workable schedule and then when what seemed perfect came up being able to still trust in the process of waiting enough to still do what was right for the person I supported.
I don't point out these things to glorify myself, though I'm quite sure that I'm not all that convincing right now. I just need to use these as reminders to myself (and whomever can learn these lessons with me) that by truly doing what's best for you, with the best intentions, you inadvertently do what is best for everyone.
We are so conditioned to play by the rules because we think that is always the safest way live. In this case I was expected to play the numbers game and put in the hours, the years, the time with whatever schedule was given to me, in hopes of someday earning one that would give me time for me. In the mean time I would put experiencing my life on hold to play the numbers game and thus give up on doing what also might be the best thing for many I support as well.
I understand that things may not always wrap themselves up nicely with a ribbon like all half hour sitcoms, but it's been good to learn that by following your heart you live with more assurance than regret, more excitement than disappointment, and more peace than emptiness.
I am beginning to get excited about the new ways I will be able to give back in my life, even in my work, as I do my best to follow my instincts more and discover some time for things that aren't directly related to a paycheque, yet seem to pay much higher dividends.
There is so much more to life.
As usual, I can't wait to share what I discover!
I had received an e-mail about scheduling that would be taking place at work. I, as usual, procrastinated sitting down and responding. If I was interested in more permanent hours I was supposed to send in my current permanent schedule. Because of recent changes at a home most of my hours come from I had just gone under my necessary requirements in hours for keeping in my wait period for my benefits. This put me in the place of needing more hours. Which in turn put me at the mercy of the managers, which put me in a spot of taking whatever they offer, which takes me away from my goal of developing a schedule that's right for me.
I finally sat down and went through my current work times and decided that while I was at this I would commit to making myself a weekend every single week (which would be 2 consecutive days off every week). The expectation is that you will work every other weekend for sure and many go beyond and work every weekend and take their days off during the week. For the first 5 months I did work any and every shift offered to me and quickly learned that doesn't provide for a healthy marriage or a healthy me.
Recently I mentioned how much I have noticed the toll my family, friends and self have taken. Maybe I'm weak, I don't really care, I just know that for me and what I want out of life it wasn't working.
As I sat I carved out one week with Saturday/Sunday off and the other with Friday Saturday off. Perfection really. I left all other days open to their willing. Though I wanted to limit evenings I didn't because I thought that may be pushing it.
I was really proud of myself when I clicked the 'send' button and said good bye to my rather bold e-mail. Though there was a little part of me that feared what the managers thought, a larger part of me had given up on caring. OR perhaps wizened up.
I had decided ahead that by no means did I deserve in work terms to receive anything I was asking for. I decided it was ok for them to say 'No way honey, we're not giving you the schedule of your dreams. You haven't been tortured long enough to have earned it. So, no more shifts for you, say good bye to your benefits!' In that moment I accepted the attitude that may (or probably would) arise and the ramifications of it. I also accepted the fact that work is just work and that old saying (or maybe it's just a saying, or maybe it's just something I heard once) 'Does anyone ever say: I wish I'd worked more, on their death bed?' No they don't.
I decided that I would not feel guilty for being at a place in my life where having my husband/partner at a successful job meant that I didn't need job security in a way I had become accustomed to. By no means am I saying I won't be working full time or that it will always be this way, but rather I am trying to put myself in a place where I love every thing I'm doing at my job (the best I can anyway) and be in a place emotionally where I am not dreading any part of it.
I knew it was a risky and seemingly selfish move but one I was finally ready to make. I was worth it and so were the people I supported that had to put up with me day after day - they deserve to have a worker that is excited to see them. I did it. I put me first. And in doing so I put others first too.
Later the day of the scheduling I was in the office with someone I was supporting for something else and we had to talk to my manager about something. While there she mentioned a possible shift that had come up. I looked at it and it fit perfectly into my request - perfectly. It got me to my 'benefit requirement', it averaged out my permanent schedule to 28.5 hours every week (24 one week and 33 the next), leaving me needing to only pick up a couple of shifts every couple of weeks and I'd reach my balanced goal of 35 hrs a week. It was indeed exactly what I hoped for.
But, as with most things, there was a catch. I was asked to give up a 3 hour every other week shift with someone I had only really gotten to know recently. She was a young lady relatively new to the agency, completely new to getting support and really left without family in her life and struggling to figure out how this life thing is supposed to work. She only has myself and one other staff as supports and still has not really gotten to know any other staff yet. I clicked with her well and she has become fairly comfortable with me (in my opinion) and I was being told to give that up because 'it's 4 hours every week Eva, that's much better than 3 every other'.
Initially I didn't get it. I thought I was being offered a new awesome shift and I just had to rework my schedule to fit my shorter shift in. Then I realized I was being asked to choose and it was a whole other ball game. It was no longer about the person I was supporting, it was a numbers game - one I had no interest in playing.
By the time I had left the office (still with the young lady I was supporting - not the one this shift was regarding), I was doing everything in my power to hold back the tears. My manager had assumed I would jump at the shift. It was clearly everything I wanted. Who wouldn't want it? Was I stupid? No. I wanted it. Really bad. BUT I couldn't fathom giving up on this young lady. I know I am not the be all and end all in her life. In fact I am only 3 hours every other week, equaling very little in numbers. However, I am one more consistent person than she has had in a very long time. Her life over the past couple of years and especially the past several months has been anything but consistent. She needs consistency right now more than anything, and she deserves it. If it were a year from now it might be a whole different story, but it is now and right now I am not ready to leave her.
I continued on with my shift and let myself feel and cry (though as dryly as I could). Luckily the girl I was with is not all that observant and we were very busy so it was ok to do so. When the shift was over I went home and cried for real. I bawled my eyes out, my nose caught a flame and my make up disappeared. I blubbered out an explanation to Wally as best I could as to why I was so distraught.
His response was different than I expected. As I told him I felt that I had no choice but to give up the permanent longer shift they were offering because to give up on this girl just wasn't right, he advocated for what might be right for me: consistency of my own, time for myself. I stopped and listened to his point. He was right in a way and I was glad he was being my reasoning in that emotional moment, but I knew in my gut that for some reason this situation wasn't about me sacrificing my needs but more a gut feeling of doing what I felt was in me to do. Nothing heroic just what fit. He understood and supported whatever decision I would make.
I knew beyond a doubt that I would turn down the offer and stay with the person I was currently supporting. By no means, was this an easy decision to commit to just because I knew it was the right thing to do (and by 'right thing' I mean what my gut was telling me I should do), I mean that's much of the reason I was crying. It wasn't painless to turn down something that seemed so perfect, it hurt to know that I would stop my wait period for my benefits (even though I don't need them it's something I would really like to achieve on my own), it pinched to think that management would likely see me as casual and complacent about my career goals. However it's not all about me, right?
Just as I was about to e-mail my manager and give her the likely unexpected news to decline the larger shift over the smaller one, I ran into the manager of the girl I was asked to give up my shift with, she knew the situation. She too was disappointed in how things were turning out. She knew this young lady wouldn't adapt well to yet more change and told me to hold on for a little longer as she felt it necessary to advocate for this young lady to keep her current staff. It was a glimmer of hope. For both the young lady and myself.
Part of me wasn't really worried about this young lady because I had no intention of leaving but I suppose I was concerned for how management would react to me turning down a perfectly generous shift offer. It would look even worse than the fact that I asked for such a particular schedule. I held tight.
By the end of the next day I had opened my e-mail and learned that all involved agreed that it was best for me to stay with this young lady in the end and because this is what they wanted I would also be allowed to take the offered shift. As far as I know now everything should work out smoothly.
I feel rather guilty because I know that I have only been around for 8 months working (almost a year including my placement) and I have a decent schedule, my perfect one. I will certainly not ever be complaining about it and if I do I sure hope someone is there to kick me in the pants. With that being said though I do feel like following my gut during my time at this place, all the way from the beginning, has rewarded me - I don't mean through people either.
What I mean is, so far I have followed my gut each time I've felt unsure or uneasy about a situation. I accessed my first manager when I didn't feel comfortable with how a situation was being handled and made myself vulnerable to share my feelings, rather than pretending I was good enough to just handle everything myself.
After an unusual med error after 4 straight months of chaos and doing everything asked of me and knowing instantly it was due to fatigue and burn out I fessed up to my then manager that I felt I was in need of a break and I soon took one.
I spent numerous team meetings speaking up and asking questions after questions about how to problem solve or what answers we could come to after being given a bit of a run around. I know that I was becoming an unwelcome voice but one I wouldn't quiet.
Recently I had the privilege of helping Vivvie reunite with her brother in a way that kicked up a little sand in the agency and probably changed how some people looked at me - not sure if that's so good or not, but I don't care really.
I have been avoiding one of the strongest pulls of my heart for a couple of months now to pull back and be more deliberate about my work. To do what is right for me. This was my first step to doing that and I was challenged back with the question: 'But are you willing to do what is right for those you support?' I have mentioned before that I have wanted to be more genuine and immediate in my response to these challenges, I wanted to be able to answer sooner with a real, heartfelt 'yes!'.
I am happy to say that in this newest case I was able to respond quickly with my gut and I felt good about it. No doubt, I was feeling the pain of the possible consequences and selfishly wanted everything my way, but I can't change the human part of me overnight. Ultimately I am happy that I overcame two obstacles: doing what was going to be right for me by carving out a workable schedule and then when what seemed perfect came up being able to still trust in the process of waiting enough to still do what was right for the person I supported.
I don't point out these things to glorify myself, though I'm quite sure that I'm not all that convincing right now. I just need to use these as reminders to myself (and whomever can learn these lessons with me) that by truly doing what's best for you, with the best intentions, you inadvertently do what is best for everyone.
We are so conditioned to play by the rules because we think that is always the safest way live. In this case I was expected to play the numbers game and put in the hours, the years, the time with whatever schedule was given to me, in hopes of someday earning one that would give me time for me. In the mean time I would put experiencing my life on hold to play the numbers game and thus give up on doing what also might be the best thing for many I support as well.
I understand that things may not always wrap themselves up nicely with a ribbon like all half hour sitcoms, but it's been good to learn that by following your heart you live with more assurance than regret, more excitement than disappointment, and more peace than emptiness.
I am beginning to get excited about the new ways I will be able to give back in my life, even in my work, as I do my best to follow my instincts more and discover some time for things that aren't directly related to a paycheque, yet seem to pay much higher dividends.
There is so much more to life.
As usual, I can't wait to share what I discover!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
On my mind
I've had a lot on my mind lately, a lot.
I'm not sure if any of it is all that earth shattering or remotely stimulating, but it's there to carry and mull through all the same.
I've been trying to sort out a few things and in the pursuit feel like I've just gotten myself more tangled up than I was before. Sometimes I don't think it pays to think. I wish it did pay me to think because I'd be rich.
Ok I am rich in all the necessaries I'm just being selfish.
What's on my mind you may ask? (Or you may not and I'm assuming).
Too many things...
* the 'kid thing' - both adoption and the 'do it yourself' version
* work schedules
* money
* hobbies
* friendships (or lack there of)
* family (and the distance I am feeling from mine)
* the vacation Wally and I are avoiding planning this fall
* churchy stuff
* internet stuff (facebook and blog)
* being bored out of my skull .... kind of shocking I'd be bored with all that stuff on the brain.
I had (or should I say guarded) this past weekend off, which included 4 whole days off in a row. Which considering my July is like a vacation (for real!). I'm now excited that I don't have any more long stretches of 'Yikes I don't think I can do this anymore!' times. (At least not in my work life and I don't have kids so otherwise life's a vacation).
Anyways, Wally and I had the weekend commitment free, which over the past several months has become the way. I just recently came to realize that my work has taken over our lives over the past year since I started working 'in the field'.
As we chatted about the fact that we no longer seem to have friends to hang out with, we have no connection to a church type family (something that used to take up much of our time), or any hobbies that we share we came to the conclusion that we (or at least the I part of we) are/is bored.
At first I wondered why things seemed so empty all of a sudden, then I tried to look at what's changed and when I first noticed it. It was definitely my job(s) that took over my life. I let it of course. What else do you do when you are in school and you are trying to work full time in a field that new hires basically have to earn their way up to working weekday day ours? This generally takes years (if you ever get it).
To be honest at first I didn't care at all, I was just so excited to get work and be challenged to do something totally new. To be honest if I was single I probably wouldn't even care. But I'm not. I'm married to someone who works during the day, during the week.
I'm not trying to complain about my line of work and how bad I have it - I don't. I love it, I am fortunate to have found a place (though not perfect) that is the best fit for me right now - or maybe ever, in my chosen field. I'm just explaining how I clearly cashed in the rest of my life for a job. And now I'm learning that my life was worth more than I sold it for.
I guess I feel a little foolish.
I mean before I went back to school I had 2 businesses that I enjoyed. I worked my hours the way I wanted them (although I have always had challenges saying 'no' which made it difficult for me to fully take advantage of enjoying this). I did enjoy what I did but I needed new mental stimulation.
Well, I got it for a while. Then school ended. I love school.
I'm not sure what I thought would change in my life after school but I feel sort of like where I started. Only now without a life.
I'm not all that excited about how this post is going.
I guess I just feel like something's missing.
It's kind of odd, lately I've really been missing my youth worker days. I've been thinking about when I worked with kids and teens and (I can't believe I'm saying this, because they also stressed me out) how much I loved it.
Of course I say this after having had several years off. I experienced burn out doing that work as well. I'm not sure if it's my nature or if it was my immaturity, or my passion. Who knows but I find myself missing organizing, creating and interacting the way I used to.
Of course I could just be pining for the next natural step in life ... having a family. Something that would include all of these skills.
This weekend Wally and I had some good chats about 'the kid thing'. Although Monday's chat left me wondering if he was really there for Sunday's chat or if we were really speaking two different languages.
I want to adopt so bad. So bad.
I began getting so excited when chatting with Wally about it on the weekend. We even talked about possibly being open to adopting siblings (something we were never open to doing at our young age - always more later on, after we'd raised a couple of kids already).
I began to think about the challenges that would come with older children, the complexities of dealing with what they would have witnessed already in life. Blending a family, figuring out the parenting thing. All that stuff.
I know it wouldn't be easy but I think it'd be worth it.
However there's just a few things in the way....
Wally would still love to give the old fashioned way a whirl as well. In his wisdom he feels doing so before adoption would be the best plan. (Whatever a plan is). When I really stop and think about it I think he's absolutely right (for us).
Initially, I wanted to adopt first because I wanted our kids to know they weren't 'Plan B', but rather wanted first from the start. Clearly I wasn't giving a whole lot of care to whatever possible child we'd bring into the world through biological means later on - I guess I just assumed they'd feel wanted since, you know, I would be tortured through labour for them.
Really, I don't think there's a best way to do things, like anything else you do what's right for you.
Admittedly I do have fears that I will chicken out of adoption once if we do things the 'old fashioned way'. Then again, I don't know how, it's soooooooo in me.
There's also the baby issues I have.
I don't dig them really. I know, I know, I'll love my own blah, blah, blah. I believe you. I guess a big part of it is the fact that Wally and I have been married for 9 1/2 years and I know that it would be a big deal for us to have a baby both in regards to our families and friends.
I feel like there would be a whole audience of people in the front row watching for how we'll screw it up, or at least to say 'we told you that you'd do things differently when you had them for yourself!'
I was told the other day that I would learn how to apologize properly when I had kids. Also that perhaps Wally and I over think things (perhaps true). And that when you don't have kids you tend to be more into yourself (duh).
Because of all of these things I've heard I want more than anything to something unconventional and adopt first. Because at least when everyone's giving me their two cents I won't have to give it much thought as the majority of those who sprinkle our lives with their opinion don't have experience with adoption.
I also get super annoyed with the push I get from so many to have to bear a child myself. One lady at work said 'Oh Eva, don't you want your own?'
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!'
No child could be more my own than the one I welcome into my life. Honestly I don't understand why people don't understand how I'm feeling, except for the fact that I don't understand how their feeling.
I've had relations try their non existent persuasions, for reasons unknown to me, to get me to want to have a baby biologically. Why? Why does this matter so much? Why can't adopting be just as exciting?
(By the way, I had a reader comment on a post in the past couple of months about if we'd be up for adopting children rather than infants. Wally and I have actually never planned on adopting an infant as we don't feel it necessary FOR US to have a child from infancy. I guess I assume you all just read my mind ;)
Anyways, I realize I'm just babbling through my thoughts and none of them are really all that intelligent at the moment but I do feel like it helps me figure things out better.
I am learning that I can't 'go against the grain' with something as serious as expanding my family just to prove a point. Wally and I have to do what's right for us, whatever the heck that is.
I suppose I just need to accept that there's something about a newborn life that people get excited about (as they should, they truly are miraculous). And maybe Wally and I will just have to do our best, if and when the time comes, to welcome in new members of our family and to love them the best we know how. Ultimately it's our job as parents to love unconditionally, and teach our kids what family is all about.
So what do I do while I wait a bit longer?
Hmmmmm ... something that will prepare me probably.
No. I'm not working in a daycare. Unless of course you want me to renege on the whole thing.
In the famous words of Lady (a woman I support): 'We'll figure it out'.
I'm not sure if any of it is all that earth shattering or remotely stimulating, but it's there to carry and mull through all the same.
I've been trying to sort out a few things and in the pursuit feel like I've just gotten myself more tangled up than I was before. Sometimes I don't think it pays to think. I wish it did pay me to think because I'd be rich.
Ok I am rich in all the necessaries I'm just being selfish.
What's on my mind you may ask? (Or you may not and I'm assuming).
Too many things...
* the 'kid thing' - both adoption and the 'do it yourself' version
* work schedules
* money
* hobbies
* friendships (or lack there of)
* family (and the distance I am feeling from mine)
* the vacation Wally and I are avoiding planning this fall
* churchy stuff
* internet stuff (facebook and blog)
* being bored out of my skull .... kind of shocking I'd be bored with all that stuff on the brain.
I had (or should I say guarded) this past weekend off, which included 4 whole days off in a row. Which considering my July is like a vacation (for real!). I'm now excited that I don't have any more long stretches of 'Yikes I don't think I can do this anymore!' times. (At least not in my work life and I don't have kids so otherwise life's a vacation).
Anyways, Wally and I had the weekend commitment free, which over the past several months has become the way. I just recently came to realize that my work has taken over our lives over the past year since I started working 'in the field'.
As we chatted about the fact that we no longer seem to have friends to hang out with, we have no connection to a church type family (something that used to take up much of our time), or any hobbies that we share we came to the conclusion that we (or at least the I part of we) are/is bored.
At first I wondered why things seemed so empty all of a sudden, then I tried to look at what's changed and when I first noticed it. It was definitely my job(s) that took over my life. I let it of course. What else do you do when you are in school and you are trying to work full time in a field that new hires basically have to earn their way up to working weekday day ours? This generally takes years (if you ever get it).
To be honest at first I didn't care at all, I was just so excited to get work and be challenged to do something totally new. To be honest if I was single I probably wouldn't even care. But I'm not. I'm married to someone who works during the day, during the week.
I'm not trying to complain about my line of work and how bad I have it - I don't. I love it, I am fortunate to have found a place (though not perfect) that is the best fit for me right now - or maybe ever, in my chosen field. I'm just explaining how I clearly cashed in the rest of my life for a job. And now I'm learning that my life was worth more than I sold it for.
I guess I feel a little foolish.
I mean before I went back to school I had 2 businesses that I enjoyed. I worked my hours the way I wanted them (although I have always had challenges saying 'no' which made it difficult for me to fully take advantage of enjoying this). I did enjoy what I did but I needed new mental stimulation.
Well, I got it for a while. Then school ended. I love school.
I'm not sure what I thought would change in my life after school but I feel sort of like where I started. Only now without a life.
I'm not all that excited about how this post is going.
I guess I just feel like something's missing.
It's kind of odd, lately I've really been missing my youth worker days. I've been thinking about when I worked with kids and teens and (I can't believe I'm saying this, because they also stressed me out) how much I loved it.
Of course I say this after having had several years off. I experienced burn out doing that work as well. I'm not sure if it's my nature or if it was my immaturity, or my passion. Who knows but I find myself missing organizing, creating and interacting the way I used to.
Of course I could just be pining for the next natural step in life ... having a family. Something that would include all of these skills.
This weekend Wally and I had some good chats about 'the kid thing'. Although Monday's chat left me wondering if he was really there for Sunday's chat or if we were really speaking two different languages.
I want to adopt so bad. So bad.
I began getting so excited when chatting with Wally about it on the weekend. We even talked about possibly being open to adopting siblings (something we were never open to doing at our young age - always more later on, after we'd raised a couple of kids already).
I began to think about the challenges that would come with older children, the complexities of dealing with what they would have witnessed already in life. Blending a family, figuring out the parenting thing. All that stuff.
I know it wouldn't be easy but I think it'd be worth it.
However there's just a few things in the way....
Wally would still love to give the old fashioned way a whirl as well. In his wisdom he feels doing so before adoption would be the best plan. (Whatever a plan is). When I really stop and think about it I think he's absolutely right (for us).
Initially, I wanted to adopt first because I wanted our kids to know they weren't 'Plan B', but rather wanted first from the start. Clearly I wasn't giving a whole lot of care to whatever possible child we'd bring into the world through biological means later on - I guess I just assumed they'd feel wanted since, you know, I would be tortured through labour for them.
Really, I don't think there's a best way to do things, like anything else you do what's right for you.
Admittedly I do have fears that I will chicken out of adoption once if we do things the 'old fashioned way'. Then again, I don't know how, it's soooooooo in me.
There's also the baby issues I have.
I don't dig them really. I know, I know, I'll love my own blah, blah, blah. I believe you. I guess a big part of it is the fact that Wally and I have been married for 9 1/2 years and I know that it would be a big deal for us to have a baby both in regards to our families and friends.
I feel like there would be a whole audience of people in the front row watching for how we'll screw it up, or at least to say 'we told you that you'd do things differently when you had them for yourself!'
I was told the other day that I would learn how to apologize properly when I had kids. Also that perhaps Wally and I over think things (perhaps true). And that when you don't have kids you tend to be more into yourself (duh).
Because of all of these things I've heard I want more than anything to something unconventional and adopt first. Because at least when everyone's giving me their two cents I won't have to give it much thought as the majority of those who sprinkle our lives with their opinion don't have experience with adoption.
I also get super annoyed with the push I get from so many to have to bear a child myself. One lady at work said 'Oh Eva, don't you want your own?'
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!'
No child could be more my own than the one I welcome into my life. Honestly I don't understand why people don't understand how I'm feeling, except for the fact that I don't understand how their feeling.
I've had relations try their non existent persuasions, for reasons unknown to me, to get me to want to have a baby biologically. Why? Why does this matter so much? Why can't adopting be just as exciting?
(By the way, I had a reader comment on a post in the past couple of months about if we'd be up for adopting children rather than infants. Wally and I have actually never planned on adopting an infant as we don't feel it necessary FOR US to have a child from infancy. I guess I assume you all just read my mind ;)
Anyways, I realize I'm just babbling through my thoughts and none of them are really all that intelligent at the moment but I do feel like it helps me figure things out better.
I am learning that I can't 'go against the grain' with something as serious as expanding my family just to prove a point. Wally and I have to do what's right for us, whatever the heck that is.
I suppose I just need to accept that there's something about a newborn life that people get excited about (as they should, they truly are miraculous). And maybe Wally and I will just have to do our best, if and when the time comes, to welcome in new members of our family and to love them the best we know how. Ultimately it's our job as parents to love unconditionally, and teach our kids what family is all about.
So what do I do while I wait a bit longer?
Hmmmmm ... something that will prepare me probably.
No. I'm not working in a daycare. Unless of course you want me to renege on the whole thing.
In the famous words of Lady (a woman I support): 'We'll figure it out'.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Imperfections
Yeah, I have lots of them.
But. I'm at peace with this fact.
I've had some super kind comments left on the blog lately that I am very grateful for but I feel rather undeserving of.
I won't lie, I think I'm a decent human being much of the time. The rest of the time, well, leaves much to be desired.
I feel that because I have this outlet that I perhaps give readers an unfair glimpse of who I am. I always hope to be 'real' as I value that in others (or at least I fool myself into believing I do). However, I realize that most of the time I lean towards showing you things I think, have said or have done that make me look good.
So today I will do a bit of a strip tease for you. With no photo shop involved...
Today I woke up in an ok mood, until I weighed myself and noted that I gained a pound. Quickly things turned sour and before I knew it I had snapped a Wally at least a half a dozen times within a few minutes. I knew I was being moody, I knew I was tired, I knew it wasn't the end of the world. But I let myself be mean and ugly all the same. I was rude, snippy and just plain disrespectful of a man who is ever so patient with his crazy wife. He let every single sentence roll off of his back. when I apologized in a text later his words greeted me with grace and love.
I don't deserve him, but I'm glad he's my husband.
While I was at work lastnight Wally got a phone call from my mama. She was calling to ask when we were planning to take time off in the fall, so that her and my papa didn't book the same time. Why? Because they wanted to be available to look after our dogs for us. After all of the times I am short with her and gripe about family stuff or how this should go or that, she always let's it be and goes with the flow of my ever present complaining or need to control things.
I am so lucky to have her for my mom.
A couple of months ago I received an e-mail from a relative who happens to be in my 'Top 3'. My 'Top 3' are the people in my life that I look up to because of how they live, approach, and react to life. They are people who 'get' me and I aspire to remember when I am fearful of making changes or taking risks. This person e-mailed in regards to something I said. They were super soft, caring, and respectful about how they approached me on this issue knowing that it could set me off or that I could take things the wrong way but still wanting to resolve the question they had. Instead of acting patient, respectful and caring back I reacted immediately and flew off the handle like a mad woman. I even knew as I was doing so that I was doing so. Part of me wanted them to know I was human and had deep feelings but really? I'm sure I could have done what they had done and tamed it down a tad (or A LOT). Even through my ranting and raving my person listened and responded with respect. Time went by and I sincerely apologized for my indiscretion (and then another I had committed soon after - will I ever learn?!).
My person gave me more than just forgiveness, but comfort knowing they saw my heart. They definitely deserve a spot in my 'Top 3'.
I am seeing more and more in my life how I am perceived by others as some very brave people share how they feel about me.
Dee told me today that he was really intimidated by me - at least at first. I laughed and he said he really was. He's used to all of his 'charms' as he puts it working on the ladies and he said in 3 seconds he knew it wouldn't work on me, because looks and status don't really mean beans to this girl.
There are a couple of people at my work in management positions that seem to almost get scared when I start speaking. I don't mean because I'm all worthy or anything but because I call people on stuff sometimes (don't worry, there are definitely many times I'm one who's afraid). I hate that because they are people that I am submitting to in my work and I expect to pull me up and challenge my thinking, I need that. I don't want to be under someone who needs me to like them. I mean it's cool if I do but don't be sweet to me if I need a kick in the pants. This is something I am grateful Dee wasn't afraid to do. I respect him for it.
I'm sort of meandering around with this one. I guess I just want to share that I have serious flaws (along with my good points). I'm not under any assumption that I'm perfect or even great. However I don't think I'm a piece of dirt either. This balance seems to be a fine tuning act to get right. On one hand you run the risk of becoming arrogant and prideful and then there's the chance of rolling over and letting people walk all over you.
I don't want either extreme.
I want humility, grace, acceptance, respect, wisdom, love, open eyes and listening ears. Oh, and I cant' forget a soft yet strong heart.
There should be a workout routine for these things, but then again different people require different exercises.
This post is dedicated to my wally, my mama and one of my 'Top 3'. Thanks you for showing my these incredible lessons in grace.
I am humbled.
But. I'm at peace with this fact.
I've had some super kind comments left on the blog lately that I am very grateful for but I feel rather undeserving of.
I won't lie, I think I'm a decent human being much of the time. The rest of the time, well, leaves much to be desired.
I feel that because I have this outlet that I perhaps give readers an unfair glimpse of who I am. I always hope to be 'real' as I value that in others (or at least I fool myself into believing I do). However, I realize that most of the time I lean towards showing you things I think, have said or have done that make me look good.
So today I will do a bit of a strip tease for you. With no photo shop involved...
Today I woke up in an ok mood, until I weighed myself and noted that I gained a pound. Quickly things turned sour and before I knew it I had snapped a Wally at least a half a dozen times within a few minutes. I knew I was being moody, I knew I was tired, I knew it wasn't the end of the world. But I let myself be mean and ugly all the same. I was rude, snippy and just plain disrespectful of a man who is ever so patient with his crazy wife. He let every single sentence roll off of his back. when I apologized in a text later his words greeted me with grace and love.
I don't deserve him, but I'm glad he's my husband.
While I was at work lastnight Wally got a phone call from my mama. She was calling to ask when we were planning to take time off in the fall, so that her and my papa didn't book the same time. Why? Because they wanted to be available to look after our dogs for us. After all of the times I am short with her and gripe about family stuff or how this should go or that, she always let's it be and goes with the flow of my ever present complaining or need to control things.
I am so lucky to have her for my mom.
A couple of months ago I received an e-mail from a relative who happens to be in my 'Top 3'. My 'Top 3' are the people in my life that I look up to because of how they live, approach, and react to life. They are people who 'get' me and I aspire to remember when I am fearful of making changes or taking risks. This person e-mailed in regards to something I said. They were super soft, caring, and respectful about how they approached me on this issue knowing that it could set me off or that I could take things the wrong way but still wanting to resolve the question they had. Instead of acting patient, respectful and caring back I reacted immediately and flew off the handle like a mad woman. I even knew as I was doing so that I was doing so. Part of me wanted them to know I was human and had deep feelings but really? I'm sure I could have done what they had done and tamed it down a tad (or A LOT). Even through my ranting and raving my person listened and responded with respect. Time went by and I sincerely apologized for my indiscretion (and then another I had committed soon after - will I ever learn?!).
My person gave me more than just forgiveness, but comfort knowing they saw my heart. They definitely deserve a spot in my 'Top 3'.
I am seeing more and more in my life how I am perceived by others as some very brave people share how they feel about me.
Dee told me today that he was really intimidated by me - at least at first. I laughed and he said he really was. He's used to all of his 'charms' as he puts it working on the ladies and he said in 3 seconds he knew it wouldn't work on me, because looks and status don't really mean beans to this girl.
There are a couple of people at my work in management positions that seem to almost get scared when I start speaking. I don't mean because I'm all worthy or anything but because I call people on stuff sometimes (don't worry, there are definitely many times I'm one who's afraid). I hate that because they are people that I am submitting to in my work and I expect to pull me up and challenge my thinking, I need that. I don't want to be under someone who needs me to like them. I mean it's cool if I do but don't be sweet to me if I need a kick in the pants. This is something I am grateful Dee wasn't afraid to do. I respect him for it.
I'm sort of meandering around with this one. I guess I just want to share that I have serious flaws (along with my good points). I'm not under any assumption that I'm perfect or even great. However I don't think I'm a piece of dirt either. This balance seems to be a fine tuning act to get right. On one hand you run the risk of becoming arrogant and prideful and then there's the chance of rolling over and letting people walk all over you.
I don't want either extreme.
I want humility, grace, acceptance, respect, wisdom, love, open eyes and listening ears. Oh, and I cant' forget a soft yet strong heart.
There should be a workout routine for these things, but then again different people require different exercises.
This post is dedicated to my wally, my mama and one of my 'Top 3'. Thanks you for showing my these incredible lessons in grace.
I am humbled.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Because I love lists
Seriously why do I have issues turning my mind off?
Tomorrow (or at least the next day) I am committing myself to going to the natural health place and getting this miracle spray I keep hearing about that helps turn your mind off. Then I'm going to buy shares in it and then figure out the magic ingredient and sell it myself.
Who am I kidding? It'll probably be worth enough to just have it for myself.
Anyways, on to other things...
This is going to be simple but right now it seems necessary, as I'm up and always feel drawn during these times to write. Whether it's worth reading or not is another story.
This is a list. Because I like lists. About what? I'm not so sure. But that's what it is.
* In this moment I am feeling overwhelmed by the love I have in my life (which I have to mention is in shear contrast to how I felt a couple of days ago - clearly spreading the love is a good alternative to hate).
* Yesterday, though I felt almost run off of my feet and was definitely exhaustified by the end of my day, I was energized by having responsibilities at work. I felt like I was accomplishing something, being good at something, and actually contributing to something. It felt good.
* It's 3:55am and my tummy is nearly growling
* I looked at my planner yesterday and felt joy at how 'in control' everything looked. I realized that my lack of a regular schedule is a main ingredient contributing to my anxiety with my job. If I can get that under control I may start feeling the joy at work more regularly.
* Lastnight I took a young lady I was supporting out for a swim in our pool. I felt discouraged at how much work I've done to get in shape and how I'm not yet 'there' (where ever that is). I am ever struggling to celebrate my victories in this area as I have completely changed my life and in many ways overcome my mental anguish with food. I am determined to continue the fight to not only celebrate but to succeed!
* The other day I was told that a big problem someone had with me was the fact that I 'need to get over myself'. I thought long and hard about this. I told the sharer of this news I would never stop being excited about who I am because most of the time there's no one else to do it. Too often in life we get feeling alone and uncared about by others and the only way I know how to keep myself from feeling unloved is to celebrate myself - even though it appears, and maybe is, very self absorbed. If it keeps me from hateful, self defeating, no good thoughts about myself and others I will do it. My other option is to be depressed, hateful and suicidal - all things I've tried before and they don't generally aid in healing.
* By learning how to celebrate myself I feel like I am more and more able to celebrate others as well, or at least I am trying. Forgive me if it takes some study - getting an A in real life is a hell of a lot more difficult than getting one in school.
* As much as I think my immediate family (the one I was born to) is a little quirky (certainly myself very much included), I really really love them. My mom is overlooks my shortcomings ever so naturally, my dad is always the encourager and positive one (and well ... tremendously odd - I really do take after him), and my brother is a defender of his sister who would fight for her to the death. How much better does it get?
* At some point in my life I want to succeed at living well. I plan to break through the mysterious barrier and have the world say 'wow'. Ok or just at least give my heart a peaceful smile :)
* I have a great view from where I am of very admirable people. Some of them I've told, some of them I haven't - maybe I should get on the haven'ts.
* It's now 4:17am and I feel electric joy just by focusing on the good. Which is generally all great but at 4:17am a wee bit annoying.
* I just re read my post and had a 'light bulb moment' with my fifth bullet. I am already there. My body just hasn't caught up with me. WOW!!
* It's 4:25am. I'm going to eat something then hurl my bod back into bed because hello. It's 4:25 am.
Good morning :)
Tomorrow (or at least the next day) I am committing myself to going to the natural health place and getting this miracle spray I keep hearing about that helps turn your mind off. Then I'm going to buy shares in it and then figure out the magic ingredient and sell it myself.
Who am I kidding? It'll probably be worth enough to just have it for myself.
Anyways, on to other things...
This is going to be simple but right now it seems necessary, as I'm up and always feel drawn during these times to write. Whether it's worth reading or not is another story.
This is a list. Because I like lists. About what? I'm not so sure. But that's what it is.
* In this moment I am feeling overwhelmed by the love I have in my life (which I have to mention is in shear contrast to how I felt a couple of days ago - clearly spreading the love is a good alternative to hate).
* Yesterday, though I felt almost run off of my feet and was definitely exhaustified by the end of my day, I was energized by having responsibilities at work. I felt like I was accomplishing something, being good at something, and actually contributing to something. It felt good.
* It's 3:55am and my tummy is nearly growling
* I looked at my planner yesterday and felt joy at how 'in control' everything looked. I realized that my lack of a regular schedule is a main ingredient contributing to my anxiety with my job. If I can get that under control I may start feeling the joy at work more regularly.
* Lastnight I took a young lady I was supporting out for a swim in our pool. I felt discouraged at how much work I've done to get in shape and how I'm not yet 'there' (where ever that is). I am ever struggling to celebrate my victories in this area as I have completely changed my life and in many ways overcome my mental anguish with food. I am determined to continue the fight to not only celebrate but to succeed!
* The other day I was told that a big problem someone had with me was the fact that I 'need to get over myself'. I thought long and hard about this. I told the sharer of this news I would never stop being excited about who I am because most of the time there's no one else to do it. Too often in life we get feeling alone and uncared about by others and the only way I know how to keep myself from feeling unloved is to celebrate myself - even though it appears, and maybe is, very self absorbed. If it keeps me from hateful, self defeating, no good thoughts about myself and others I will do it. My other option is to be depressed, hateful and suicidal - all things I've tried before and they don't generally aid in healing.
* By learning how to celebrate myself I feel like I am more and more able to celebrate others as well, or at least I am trying. Forgive me if it takes some study - getting an A in real life is a hell of a lot more difficult than getting one in school.
* As much as I think my immediate family (the one I was born to) is a little quirky (certainly myself very much included), I really really love them. My mom is overlooks my shortcomings ever so naturally, my dad is always the encourager and positive one (and well ... tremendously odd - I really do take after him), and my brother is a defender of his sister who would fight for her to the death. How much better does it get?
* At some point in my life I want to succeed at living well. I plan to break through the mysterious barrier and have the world say 'wow'. Ok or just at least give my heart a peaceful smile :)
* I have a great view from where I am of very admirable people. Some of them I've told, some of them I haven't - maybe I should get on the haven'ts.
* It's now 4:17am and I feel electric joy just by focusing on the good. Which is generally all great but at 4:17am a wee bit annoying.
* I just re read my post and had a 'light bulb moment' with my fifth bullet. I am already there. My body just hasn't caught up with me. WOW!!
* It's 4:25am. I'm going to eat something then hurl my bod back into bed because hello. It's 4:25 am.
Good morning :)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Cranberry Story ...
I wanted to explain further why exactly helping our friend with an act of kindness in the area of her car was significant to both Wally and I. This story has two parts of kindness in it that will forever have a place in our hearts.
Without further a due, the 'Cranberry Story' ...
It was a few weeks before Christmas several years ago. Wally and I had just found out that our little Neon needed a heart transplant and that it would cost approximately $3400. At the time we were living in our house, had mortgage payments, Wally had just started a few months prior trying to work his way into selling insurance and doing financial advising. I was self employed teaching piano and house keeping, also working at the church as a youth worker 20 hours a week.
We were both getting frustrated but trying desperately to be patient while Wally 'grew' his business. Money was tight but we had a bit of money in the bank for emergencies, we quickly learned not enough.
Our car went in to get fixed and was gone for 3 1/2 weeks. We got it back just two days before Christmas when it broke down the very next day putting it back in the garage for another 3 1/2 weeks. At the time we only had one car and so I was using my parents' second car to do my work - everyone's patience was wearing a little thin. Especially when we had an additional $1600 in car repairs and maintenance after the initial amount. We were sapped.
Soon after the car went in the first time Christmas festivities were beginning to get underway. For us this meant a lot of family gatherings and hosting a few ourselves. Every year since the third year we were married we have had both sets of our parents and each of our grandmothers over for a mini family meal. I thought it would be a nice tradition to develop early in the month of December as by the time we saw each other at Christmas there was a crowd of family and we didn't ever really get to enjoy eachother. And usually, to be honest they were the ones that did a lot of the work. I thought it would be a great challenge for myself to try and put on a full turkey dinner by myself to treat them.
You know how I like challenges, well it was definitely that the first couple of years, but I got the hang of it and am now the 'turkey cooker' for Wally's family Christmas dinners (one year I did three birds over the holidays!). My favourite is the home made stuffing!!!
Anyways, that year as I looked at our drained bank account and contemplated the cost of a turkey dinner for six and the fact that we really didn't have any extra money for groceries I thought 'Maybe this year we'll have to let this go'. After a bit more thought I decided I didn't want this infant tradition to get forgotten so I decided I would just do my best to trim the trimmings and be even more frugal than I already was.
As I was going through the grocery store I looked at where I could save money and one thing I remember distinctly was that the no name cranberries were significantly cheaper than the name brand cranberries (yes I bought them in a can). I gazed at the 'Ocean Spray' can and for some reason was saddened. It had never generally bothered me to buy no name anything but for some reason I felt on that day that Ocean Spray cranberries were essential for our meal. Unfortunately I had committed to be frugal. Plus, really? What did it matter about the cranberries when they were a mere small addition to the meal - who would even notice? Like I said, at that time the cranberries meant something to me and so I was disappointed when I had to give them up.
As Christmas got a bit closer one night I got a phone call from a friend of ours who lived down the street but went to our church as well. She called up and said she wanted to drop off your Christmas card. I told her I had just finished teaching and I was home.
A few minutes later in the windy blowing snow she pulled her car up and got out. In her arms she carried a cardboard box, a grocery bag and of course the Christmas card.
She literally whisked in, dropped everything on the floor, gave me a quick hug and whisked out. It was clear she did not want any recognition.
I was overwhelmed with her kindness and began to cry (I'm not much of a crier usually). I began going through the treasures she brought.
In the grocery bag was a frozen turkey. In the cardboard box: boxes of Kraft dinner, homemade jam, pickles, sidekicks, cans of soup and a few other stray items. As I sifted through my heart nearly stopped when I discovered one last thing. Ocean Spray cranberries.
I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. Of all the things to be packed into a box of non perishables, why cranberries? Some might suggest the gift was for a Christmas dinner but nothing else (other than the turkey) fit into the traditional scheme of things, nothing.
I knew exactly why the cranberries were in there. They were a gift. From that Papa of mine. They were a reminder to me that even the little things in my life mattered to him and that he indeed would supply all of our needs in perfect time.
I've never in my life been so changed by a can of food in my life. Especially one that, to be honest, I don't generally ever even eat.
The story doesn't end there.
When the car returned to us a couple of days before Christmas (the first return) and we learned what the bill would be we were deflated (even more so after it broke down the next day after we paid it and it had to go back in!). We were sure exactly how we would both pay our car bill AND survive over the next few months as we were using that money to help carry us over with groceries and gas.
We got a call from Nathan's team manager in his somewhat of a new career. He wanted to let us know that he and his wife would like to lone us any amount of money we needed to get through this rough patch completely interest free and for as long as we needed. We were astounded. For a couple of reasons...
For one when you are in the financial industry there are a few rules with managers and team members, one being: managers sign off on an agreement that in no way ever will they lend money to those working under them.
The other reason is because we barely knew this man and his wife. We'd met them a few months earlier but really didn't know them that well at all.
Initially we didn't think we could take their help. Like I said, we barely knew them, and we didn't borrow money from anywhere. The only debt we'd ever had as a married couple was our mortgage so we were rather fearful of what this would do to us, both financially and relationally.
We talked and talked about it and pondered our options. In the end we decided we had no other real choice and we were considering this our answer to much prayer. We accepted.
The couple lent us $3000 interest free and we (once Wally started working at the pig farm at the end of March) had it paid back by the end of June that year.
We will forever feel the impact of these two generous acts of kindness and continue to share the stories. They still stir our hearts now.
This hopefully explains why we felt drawn to help our friend out with her car problems, we definitely identified and felt it was our turn to 'pay it forward', even in this very small way. Knowing the back ground of how greatly we've been helped in the past hopefully gives you a glimpse into why we aren't anything special to share a tiny bit of what we have now.
My hope is that we will continue to remember what it's like to be in these situations and be open to being used in interesting ways to help with the solution.
Remember the cranberries.
We do. We keep a can of Ocean Spray cranberries on our kitchen shelf to remind us always of how we have been provided for.
Sometimes the little things are the big things.
Without further a due, the 'Cranberry Story' ...
It was a few weeks before Christmas several years ago. Wally and I had just found out that our little Neon needed a heart transplant and that it would cost approximately $3400. At the time we were living in our house, had mortgage payments, Wally had just started a few months prior trying to work his way into selling insurance and doing financial advising. I was self employed teaching piano and house keeping, also working at the church as a youth worker 20 hours a week.
We were both getting frustrated but trying desperately to be patient while Wally 'grew' his business. Money was tight but we had a bit of money in the bank for emergencies, we quickly learned not enough.
Our car went in to get fixed and was gone for 3 1/2 weeks. We got it back just two days before Christmas when it broke down the very next day putting it back in the garage for another 3 1/2 weeks. At the time we only had one car and so I was using my parents' second car to do my work - everyone's patience was wearing a little thin. Especially when we had an additional $1600 in car repairs and maintenance after the initial amount. We were sapped.
Soon after the car went in the first time Christmas festivities were beginning to get underway. For us this meant a lot of family gatherings and hosting a few ourselves. Every year since the third year we were married we have had both sets of our parents and each of our grandmothers over for a mini family meal. I thought it would be a nice tradition to develop early in the month of December as by the time we saw each other at Christmas there was a crowd of family and we didn't ever really get to enjoy eachother. And usually, to be honest they were the ones that did a lot of the work. I thought it would be a great challenge for myself to try and put on a full turkey dinner by myself to treat them.
You know how I like challenges, well it was definitely that the first couple of years, but I got the hang of it and am now the 'turkey cooker' for Wally's family Christmas dinners (one year I did three birds over the holidays!). My favourite is the home made stuffing!!!
Anyways, that year as I looked at our drained bank account and contemplated the cost of a turkey dinner for six and the fact that we really didn't have any extra money for groceries I thought 'Maybe this year we'll have to let this go'. After a bit more thought I decided I didn't want this infant tradition to get forgotten so I decided I would just do my best to trim the trimmings and be even more frugal than I already was.
As I was going through the grocery store I looked at where I could save money and one thing I remember distinctly was that the no name cranberries were significantly cheaper than the name brand cranberries (yes I bought them in a can). I gazed at the 'Ocean Spray' can and for some reason was saddened. It had never generally bothered me to buy no name anything but for some reason I felt on that day that Ocean Spray cranberries were essential for our meal. Unfortunately I had committed to be frugal. Plus, really? What did it matter about the cranberries when they were a mere small addition to the meal - who would even notice? Like I said, at that time the cranberries meant something to me and so I was disappointed when I had to give them up.
As Christmas got a bit closer one night I got a phone call from a friend of ours who lived down the street but went to our church as well. She called up and said she wanted to drop off your Christmas card. I told her I had just finished teaching and I was home.
A few minutes later in the windy blowing snow she pulled her car up and got out. In her arms she carried a cardboard box, a grocery bag and of course the Christmas card.
She literally whisked in, dropped everything on the floor, gave me a quick hug and whisked out. It was clear she did not want any recognition.
I was overwhelmed with her kindness and began to cry (I'm not much of a crier usually). I began going through the treasures she brought.
In the grocery bag was a frozen turkey. In the cardboard box: boxes of Kraft dinner, homemade jam, pickles, sidekicks, cans of soup and a few other stray items. As I sifted through my heart nearly stopped when I discovered one last thing. Ocean Spray cranberries.
I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. Of all the things to be packed into a box of non perishables, why cranberries? Some might suggest the gift was for a Christmas dinner but nothing else (other than the turkey) fit into the traditional scheme of things, nothing.
I knew exactly why the cranberries were in there. They were a gift. From that Papa of mine. They were a reminder to me that even the little things in my life mattered to him and that he indeed would supply all of our needs in perfect time.
I've never in my life been so changed by a can of food in my life. Especially one that, to be honest, I don't generally ever even eat.
The story doesn't end there.
When the car returned to us a couple of days before Christmas (the first return) and we learned what the bill would be we were deflated (even more so after it broke down the next day after we paid it and it had to go back in!). We were sure exactly how we would both pay our car bill AND survive over the next few months as we were using that money to help carry us over with groceries and gas.
We got a call from Nathan's team manager in his somewhat of a new career. He wanted to let us know that he and his wife would like to lone us any amount of money we needed to get through this rough patch completely interest free and for as long as we needed. We were astounded. For a couple of reasons...
For one when you are in the financial industry there are a few rules with managers and team members, one being: managers sign off on an agreement that in no way ever will they lend money to those working under them.
The other reason is because we barely knew this man and his wife. We'd met them a few months earlier but really didn't know them that well at all.
Initially we didn't think we could take their help. Like I said, we barely knew them, and we didn't borrow money from anywhere. The only debt we'd ever had as a married couple was our mortgage so we were rather fearful of what this would do to us, both financially and relationally.
We talked and talked about it and pondered our options. In the end we decided we had no other real choice and we were considering this our answer to much prayer. We accepted.
The couple lent us $3000 interest free and we (once Wally started working at the pig farm at the end of March) had it paid back by the end of June that year.
We will forever feel the impact of these two generous acts of kindness and continue to share the stories. They still stir our hearts now.
This hopefully explains why we felt drawn to help our friend out with her car problems, we definitely identified and felt it was our turn to 'pay it forward', even in this very small way. Knowing the back ground of how greatly we've been helped in the past hopefully gives you a glimpse into why we aren't anything special to share a tiny bit of what we have now.
My hope is that we will continue to remember what it's like to be in these situations and be open to being used in interesting ways to help with the solution.
Remember the cranberries.
We do. We keep a can of Ocean Spray cranberries on our kitchen shelf to remind us always of how we have been provided for.
Sometimes the little things are the big things.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Ideas and #34 - Random act of Kindness
Too many of my thoughts lately have been taken up with negative things I don't have control of. Things I want to be able to 'fix' or change but things I simply can't.
I realized just moments ago I need to let go of the negative and once again do my best to focus on the positive. I'm no pro at this so clearly it's a great opportunity for me to practice.
As I am almost through my dreaded July and heading into a more acceptable August (Yay!!) I am beginning to look ahead to my (hopefully) successful September. (I'm not sure what that means I just liked the two s's).
Now is he perfect time to start thinking about what I want my work schedule to look like. How many hours I want to have. What I want to do with the extra time I should be setting aside. Relationships I want to nurture. Books I want to read. Goals I have. And ... so much more.
I've never really had this dilemma before. It's a good one to have I think.
My time with Dee will be over yet my challenge may not yet be fulfilled. I think I'll be close but probably not there. I will still have that to work on.
Hmmmmm ... I've been thinking a lot about family and how Wally and I can better stay connected with them. We haven't paid nearly enough attention to our grandmother's as of late and really would like to see both of them (sad that we've not been more vigilant about these very precious relationships).
We also feel as though since finishing school we haven't kept in as good of contact with friends as we used to, so we'd like to entertain more and nurture some of those relationships.
I haven't been to my home church in over a year now and would like to get reconnected.
I have a ton of scrap booking to do however I admit that I find it overwhelming. I know though when I get it done I feel good. I think I should make an effort.
I'd like to read more.
I've talked to Wally about my job and how I love what I do but feel that I have many things I would like to try that I don't get to do right now in my job. For example: I miss teaching - I would love to do that again. Not sure how but it's something to think about. I also just realized I could probably write for the agency newsletter - I've heard that they are always looking for stuff. I love being creative with fundraisers and I have an idea for a big one that would be lots of fun but lots of work - I may just look into it. Wally mentioned that it wouldn't be horrible to work on my resume a bit in that regard so I think I will look for opportunities to do that.
Of course this degree thing is floating in the air - we'll see. I love learning.
Wally and I are thinking seriously about starting to research the kid thing in the fall. We realize it could take a while so now might be a good time to look into it.
One huge thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is how I can better give back - you know, to the world, my community and stuff. I've been thinking about my orphan babies (ok so they aren't mine but in my head they are). They are so ingrained in my heart that I was thinking of them last night as I was going to sleep wishing I could hold them. I know that likely makes me sounds a tad on the psychotic side but I'm at peace with this.
I just feel that there is more that I should or could be doing than wishing I was with them or just visiting for a mere 10 days. I want to connect with them. I want to do something other than give a monthly PAP (pre-authorized payment). It seems like a waste of longing to just sit here and cry about how I can't blah, blah, and blah when I am perfectly capable of taking the initiative to get involved myself.
Of course I'm not sure how or what I will do but as I am writing I am deciding that I will do something soon in this area. Hmmmm ... now I'm excited.
Ok so onto my community idea ... This sort of relates to the random act of kindness number I had on my list. I told you that Wally and I completed it and right now am wondering why I haven't told you about it already. How 'bout now?
I know I may be judged as boastful for sharing but I share only to encourage you all to do the same (only maybe better as we're not perfect at it).
Initially when I added this to my second '40 day adventure' I figured I would end up loading my car with granola bars and water bottles and just start handing them out while at intersections with homeless people asking for money. Of course this is a good idea, one I hope to do soon as I've just mentioned it but for some reason it wasn't resonating with me as a 'challenge'.
I let this one go for quite a while because I couldn't think of what I (or should I say we) should do. Until, out of the blue, an opportunity seemed to come to us that definitely challenged us.
I was sitting the garage where we go to service our cars and as I am sitting there reading my book, pretending to be waiting patiently, in walks Wanda a schoolmate of Wally's who is around our parents' ages. She graduated along with Wally and has been out of school 6 months and is yet to find a job.
Here's a bit of Wanda's story: She is a mother of 4 grown children (the last one just finished high school a couple of years ago), she has 2 or 3 grand children (sorry I can't remember) and she raised her kids by herself mostly during the past 15 years or so. She had a degree and a college diploma already when she decided to go back to school again.
Wanda did not have an easy time getting through school but she did it. She also hasn't always had an easy time raising her kids but she did that too. She's a tough lady who is very thoughtful and generous with her time and talents. Her parents are from Holland and you'd know it. She is someone I'm glad to know.
Anyways, Wanda walked into the garage and was waiting to talk to the own when she saw me and we started chatting. I already knew her car was not well as the school gang had just gotten together the week before and she mentioned it. We chatted and then she was able to relay her car problems to the owner of the garage whom apparently is very good with people in dire financial situations (or at least he has been with her in the past). She was telling him her situation and that when she said she had no money it meant she had NO money. No grocery money, no car fixing money.
They talked further and it was decided that he would look at her car. She made it clear that she just needed to know that she could drive it until the wheels fell off. He basically told her that he felt that's exactly what would be happening if she didnt' get it fixed pronto. They set a date for further inspection and she left.
I had listened to their entire conversation (I was sitting right there) and thought about it. Hmmmm...Wally and I have certainly been in her position: serious car troubles and no job. At the time we were on the brink of disaster and, well, it's a long story involving cranberries that I think I'll share with you soon.
Anyways I knew instantly that this was or should be our random act of kindness. The problem was it was a little bigger of an act than I anticipated. As I over heard the conversation Wanda's car problem could be any where from $500-$1000 to fix! Not exactly a box of granola bars and a case of water.
Initially I thought we could just offer the mechanic a couple hundred dollars to 'help' out the cause and then Wanda would only have to worry about the rest. That would get our point across right? For some reason that wasnt' enough, especially when both Wally and I were working and had money in the bank. We could commit to whatever was wrong.
I thought about it more and then brought the idea up to Wally. When he whole heartedly agreed that this was the thing to do I figured out that worst case scenario would likely be $1000 and we could, if we had to, pay it off in 3 months - if we had to.
Wally called the garage the next day and told the owner that we would pay to have anything fixed on Wanda's car, but she was NOT to know anything about it. There was some back and forth but finally Wanda's car went in to be fixed the following week. We got the bill and it was only $275!! We were so glad we just went ahead to pay the whole thing.
We were even more elated when Wanda put this on her facebook status:
" Wanda is incredibly grateful.... please know that you have made a difference not only in my life, but in my attitude. I will pay it forward when I can."
Wow! That was worth way more than the $275!!!
Wanda is still looking for a job and I ask you to pray for her or think of her with hopes of getting one soon. Our desire in doing this for her was not to be able to brag but to give her hope in a situation that has brought her much discouragement.
As I mentioned earlier I would love to start something, perhaps a bit more organized that could spontaneously help or give hope, or even just relief for regular people who are just trying to make their way in the world. We all stumble upon hard times, discouraging times or just plain burn out. How great would it be if in that situation you got encouragement in whatever form.
Right now I am thinking of a lady who works where I do. She too is a mother of four grown children (still in college but grown) and is divorced. She works two jobs and I don't think has a day to herself, because last time I asked when she was getting a break she said she had 2 days off in August, one of which she would be taking her son to college. She shared that she too felt burnt out but I got the sense that she was doing what she had to do to keep things together.
She's a lovely lady and since my retreat she's been on my mind. It's kind of weird because I barely see her. I was thinking she could benefit from a couple of days away on her own just to enjoy doing nothing. She may be my next surprise. She also mentioned how her gardens needed help and I immediately thought I should gather a team of people together to surprise her with getting that done (as you would not want to set me loose in a garden alone, as I would likely end up ripping up all the perennials and leaving all the weeds!)
Anyways, these are just some thoughts I've been having lately on things I could do to feel like I have an ounce of meaning in my life. If you have thoughts or ideas or share interest in helping let me know. I'm thinking I could post a few connections on my blog once I figure out what I want to become involved in.
I think the fall could be a wonderful new beginning for me. And maybe for you too!
I realized just moments ago I need to let go of the negative and once again do my best to focus on the positive. I'm no pro at this so clearly it's a great opportunity for me to practice.
As I am almost through my dreaded July and heading into a more acceptable August (Yay!!) I am beginning to look ahead to my (hopefully) successful September. (I'm not sure what that means I just liked the two s's).
Now is he perfect time to start thinking about what I want my work schedule to look like. How many hours I want to have. What I want to do with the extra time I should be setting aside. Relationships I want to nurture. Books I want to read. Goals I have. And ... so much more.
I've never really had this dilemma before. It's a good one to have I think.
My time with Dee will be over yet my challenge may not yet be fulfilled. I think I'll be close but probably not there. I will still have that to work on.
Hmmmmm ... I've been thinking a lot about family and how Wally and I can better stay connected with them. We haven't paid nearly enough attention to our grandmother's as of late and really would like to see both of them (sad that we've not been more vigilant about these very precious relationships).
We also feel as though since finishing school we haven't kept in as good of contact with friends as we used to, so we'd like to entertain more and nurture some of those relationships.
I haven't been to my home church in over a year now and would like to get reconnected.
I have a ton of scrap booking to do however I admit that I find it overwhelming. I know though when I get it done I feel good. I think I should make an effort.
I'd like to read more.
I've talked to Wally about my job and how I love what I do but feel that I have many things I would like to try that I don't get to do right now in my job. For example: I miss teaching - I would love to do that again. Not sure how but it's something to think about. I also just realized I could probably write for the agency newsletter - I've heard that they are always looking for stuff. I love being creative with fundraisers and I have an idea for a big one that would be lots of fun but lots of work - I may just look into it. Wally mentioned that it wouldn't be horrible to work on my resume a bit in that regard so I think I will look for opportunities to do that.
Of course this degree thing is floating in the air - we'll see. I love learning.
Wally and I are thinking seriously about starting to research the kid thing in the fall. We realize it could take a while so now might be a good time to look into it.
One huge thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is how I can better give back - you know, to the world, my community and stuff. I've been thinking about my orphan babies (ok so they aren't mine but in my head they are). They are so ingrained in my heart that I was thinking of them last night as I was going to sleep wishing I could hold them. I know that likely makes me sounds a tad on the psychotic side but I'm at peace with this.
I just feel that there is more that I should or could be doing than wishing I was with them or just visiting for a mere 10 days. I want to connect with them. I want to do something other than give a monthly PAP (pre-authorized payment). It seems like a waste of longing to just sit here and cry about how I can't blah, blah, and blah when I am perfectly capable of taking the initiative to get involved myself.
Of course I'm not sure how or what I will do but as I am writing I am deciding that I will do something soon in this area. Hmmmm ... now I'm excited.
Ok so onto my community idea ... This sort of relates to the random act of kindness number I had on my list. I told you that Wally and I completed it and right now am wondering why I haven't told you about it already. How 'bout now?
I know I may be judged as boastful for sharing but I share only to encourage you all to do the same (only maybe better as we're not perfect at it).
Initially when I added this to my second '40 day adventure' I figured I would end up loading my car with granola bars and water bottles and just start handing them out while at intersections with homeless people asking for money. Of course this is a good idea, one I hope to do soon as I've just mentioned it but for some reason it wasn't resonating with me as a 'challenge'.
I let this one go for quite a while because I couldn't think of what I (or should I say we) should do. Until, out of the blue, an opportunity seemed to come to us that definitely challenged us.
I was sitting the garage where we go to service our cars and as I am sitting there reading my book, pretending to be waiting patiently, in walks Wanda a schoolmate of Wally's who is around our parents' ages. She graduated along with Wally and has been out of school 6 months and is yet to find a job.
Here's a bit of Wanda's story: She is a mother of 4 grown children (the last one just finished high school a couple of years ago), she has 2 or 3 grand children (sorry I can't remember) and she raised her kids by herself mostly during the past 15 years or so. She had a degree and a college diploma already when she decided to go back to school again.
Wanda did not have an easy time getting through school but she did it. She also hasn't always had an easy time raising her kids but she did that too. She's a tough lady who is very thoughtful and generous with her time and talents. Her parents are from Holland and you'd know it. She is someone I'm glad to know.
Anyways, Wanda walked into the garage and was waiting to talk to the own when she saw me and we started chatting. I already knew her car was not well as the school gang had just gotten together the week before and she mentioned it. We chatted and then she was able to relay her car problems to the owner of the garage whom apparently is very good with people in dire financial situations (or at least he has been with her in the past). She was telling him her situation and that when she said she had no money it meant she had NO money. No grocery money, no car fixing money.
They talked further and it was decided that he would look at her car. She made it clear that she just needed to know that she could drive it until the wheels fell off. He basically told her that he felt that's exactly what would be happening if she didnt' get it fixed pronto. They set a date for further inspection and she left.
I had listened to their entire conversation (I was sitting right there) and thought about it. Hmmmm...Wally and I have certainly been in her position: serious car troubles and no job. At the time we were on the brink of disaster and, well, it's a long story involving cranberries that I think I'll share with you soon.
Anyways I knew instantly that this was or should be our random act of kindness. The problem was it was a little bigger of an act than I anticipated. As I over heard the conversation Wanda's car problem could be any where from $500-$1000 to fix! Not exactly a box of granola bars and a case of water.
Initially I thought we could just offer the mechanic a couple hundred dollars to 'help' out the cause and then Wanda would only have to worry about the rest. That would get our point across right? For some reason that wasnt' enough, especially when both Wally and I were working and had money in the bank. We could commit to whatever was wrong.
I thought about it more and then brought the idea up to Wally. When he whole heartedly agreed that this was the thing to do I figured out that worst case scenario would likely be $1000 and we could, if we had to, pay it off in 3 months - if we had to.
Wally called the garage the next day and told the owner that we would pay to have anything fixed on Wanda's car, but she was NOT to know anything about it. There was some back and forth but finally Wanda's car went in to be fixed the following week. We got the bill and it was only $275!! We were so glad we just went ahead to pay the whole thing.
We were even more elated when Wanda put this on her facebook status:
" Wanda is incredibly grateful.... please know that you have made a difference not only in my life, but in my attitude. I will pay it forward when I can."
Wow! That was worth way more than the $275!!!
Wanda is still looking for a job and I ask you to pray for her or think of her with hopes of getting one soon. Our desire in doing this for her was not to be able to brag but to give her hope in a situation that has brought her much discouragement.
As I mentioned earlier I would love to start something, perhaps a bit more organized that could spontaneously help or give hope, or even just relief for regular people who are just trying to make their way in the world. We all stumble upon hard times, discouraging times or just plain burn out. How great would it be if in that situation you got encouragement in whatever form.
Right now I am thinking of a lady who works where I do. She too is a mother of four grown children (still in college but grown) and is divorced. She works two jobs and I don't think has a day to herself, because last time I asked when she was getting a break she said she had 2 days off in August, one of which she would be taking her son to college. She shared that she too felt burnt out but I got the sense that she was doing what she had to do to keep things together.
She's a lovely lady and since my retreat she's been on my mind. It's kind of weird because I barely see her. I was thinking she could benefit from a couple of days away on her own just to enjoy doing nothing. She may be my next surprise. She also mentioned how her gardens needed help and I immediately thought I should gather a team of people together to surprise her with getting that done (as you would not want to set me loose in a garden alone, as I would likely end up ripping up all the perennials and leaving all the weeds!)
Anyways, these are just some thoughts I've been having lately on things I could do to feel like I have an ounce of meaning in my life. If you have thoughts or ideas or share interest in helping let me know. I'm thinking I could post a few connections on my blog once I figure out what I want to become involved in.
I think the fall could be a wonderful new beginning for me. And maybe for you too!
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