My Thai

So it was 4:45am and I was so in need of going back to sleep but my lover was calling me.

The lover: my writing.

Yeah I know, my writing's not THAT special but it fills me in a strange way that nothing else will.

On my mind as of late: My Thai.

I don't think I mentioned that Wally and I are potentially going next month. This just came about over this week really and I'm not sure exactly how I coerced him into being ok with it. But I did and now we just wait upon the arrival of his passport before booking our flights.

We may even be celebrating our 10th anniversary while over there. Two wonderful dreams come true to enjoy at once for me. Words can't tell you what that feels like.

Along with the reality of this long awaited trip finally coming to fruition are the nerves, the arguments birthed from our very different personalities over traveling, and the truth of experiencing a lifelong dream.

Lastnight upon thinking about the very, very long trip Wally had a mini panic attack. He began shooting a million questions at me about getting there, even dragging me downstairs to the computer to see the distance of where our plane will land compared to how far away it will be from where we will eventually need to be.

'That's a long way Eva!' 'How are we gonna get there?!' 'We've never traveling anywhere?!' 'We're gonna die!' 'We don't know how to take a bus there!' 'We don't speak Thai!'

He google mapped out the driving directions from the airport to where we're going (from Bangkok to Mai Sot) and was overwhelmed by the 7 hour drive. I don't blame him, it's essentially and completely out of our element. Not a great cocktail for our travel virginity nor what will be two very tired and irritable people by that time.

All I could say was 'It'll be an adventure!' 'We'll figure it out as we go' 'I'm scared too but there's nothing we can do about it now' 'Ok yes I promise to talk to A-bag about the how's right away'. At which point I think I sat down and wrote an immediate please for help from my well traveled friend who happens to be in Thai Thai as we speak.

Wally has every right to be worried. It's probably good that he is a bit, seeing as I often wait til the last minute to worry and then it's a bad scene.

Admittedly I am worried about our trip too. But my worries are very different...

I am worried I will get there and not feel anything.

I'm worried I'll see the children and not feel justified in loving them.

I worry that the stench of the dump will cause me to vomit and want to go home.

I am worried that the heat that I can't stand will make me smell and they'll make me live down the street.

I worry my heart is so out of touch with spiritual things that I will be annoyed by others that are obviously in love with their God enough to be living examples of Him in every way.

My worries are a bit different.

What if I'm not enough? What if I hate it? What if I don't get anything out of it? Worse yet, what if they don't get anything out of me? (Although the intention is for me to help I know beyond a doubt my intentions are more selfish and I want them to change me).

I just wonder ... what will this trip be like?

With the business of life I feel like it could be happening so much faster than we thought and maybe we'll miss something.

Excuse me while I send up a prayer ...

God,

It's with ah humble heart I ask, even beg, you to prepare Wally and I for this experience. Soften our hearts and ready us for what we will encounter (as much as we should be or can be). Change us in some way for the betterment of all. Bring us closer together. If there's a way for you to connect us deeper with these people as so many people are, do. Make us to be fresh air to those we will be working beside and perhaps a blessing in some way. Create something wonderful out of our very flawed selves. Equip us to do wonderful things with what we learn when we come home.

One more thing .... help me not to steal any babies. I've heard prison is no fun.

Thanks. I'm super flawed (as you know) but ever thankful for the grace that is given to experience anything good in this world.

And, even though I don't say it much, I think you are great.

Talk to you later gator *smiles*

Your kiddo,

Eva

P.S. Sorry about swearing, having a short temper and throwing things when I'm impatient. Thanks for helping me not do this at work ;)

Adventure Awaits

I was chatting with a new soon to be friend today and was sharing with her about my little retreat last summer. I began to reminisce...

I was thinking of what it was like to go away and be completely alone at a bed and breakfast with myself for two days and two nights.

*closes eyes*

*takes a breath*

It was amazing.

For the first time doing something new was not scary. I was not bored without television or the internet, in fact it was fabulous.

I loved being secluded in my room apart from pretty much everything. Swimming in a sea of bed coverings, enjoying the beautiful red roses I took with me from my graduation the day before (yes I put 12 individual water thingies on the ends and took them too!).

I read. I watched movies. I walked. I admired nature. I listened to music. And God. I found out that I was already a mother within.

It was magical really.

I have to say that I was sorta wishin' I could go back to what seemed like an incredible place.

Wow. Memories are amazing.

You know what is frustrating? We live for these experiences. We wait through the troubles of life all year for a couple of days of reflection and relaxation.

We trudge through the mud of the 'every day' often unhappy and discontented so that for a bundle of hours we can breathe without fears of being interrupted, of needing an inhaler, or of being knocked off of our feet by someone we come across.

It saddens me when we live like this because we really only get one life on this earth. And though this earth isn't really the climax of our on going lives it is a gift full of sensations to experience. Why so often do we settle for less?

I'm guessing it's because of the unknown, because of the fear that grips us, because of the comfort we want to feel.

I think of selling our house for us to go back to school and how scary it looked but also how exciting it felt. We were on an adventure. We honestly didn't know what was at the end of it for us. To be honest .... we still don't. I love this.

What I don't love is falling into ordinary life in a way that seems to cloud my vigor for the world I've been given to live in.

I want always to keep my senses alive to the possibilities around me. I am so blessed to have 'livers' (not the organs) all around me. People who step out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary.

I have a friend Glo, she just recently decided to not go back to school in the fall to do her Masters but rather go to Holland for a year to be a nanny. She's so excited!!!

Someone else I look up to is my friend Chi Chi. She graduated from the same program as myself over 8 years ago and after pouring her heart and soul into her work (and being the best support worker I know) have decided to return to school full time this fall to pursue horticulture - her true passion.

I also have another admirable friend who has lived in Taiwan teaching English as a second language for the past couple of years and plans to return to Canada to study law a newly discovered love.

There's also my priest friend that sort of got thrown (gently) out of the country he was serving the poor (in money) and is now spending a year going where ever the Spirit leads while his paper work is figured out. What an adventure!

Though my life doesn't burst with the appearance of excitement I do look at it as such. I will get to have a brief and undoubtedly life changing visit to a country my heart melted over the second I saw pictures of it. This is small but wonderful for me.

Hmmmmmmmm....

Perhaps I ought to consider ways I can add more excitement to my life (a smile is developing). Something that I will remember and be changed by like my original 40 Day adventure.

I am so flawed. So imperfect. So ordinary.

But, I am me and the only one there is.

I shall find adventure in whatever way I can. For I believe, it is out there waiting for us

;)

I'm a Twit

I clearly don't have enough to do in my life.

I just started a Twitter account.

I know crazy eh?

I think I'm at the epitome of my narcissism. I'm at peace with it though.

I opened it as Eva, Queenoftowels. It makes me laugh a little.

I think it may be in efforts to get my blog out there. I'm not so sure as to why since I'd made it slightly anonymous. (Well, very slightly).

Part of me really wants to get rid of the veil and just write everything from my heart and not be ashamed or worried about the possible outcomes that may arise. But, I've been reminded by those from many different areas of my life that having my thoughts for the world to read may not be a great idea as I cannot control how they perceive what I write and can easily take things out of context.

Oh well.

I went to a little writing seminar on Saturday teaching how to write the story of your life or those of others. The entire topic is of great interest to be as that's pretty much all I blog about. My experiences and the experiences I share with others and sometimes their own experiences.

I love doing this.

I learned a few key tricks and pointers on how I should be writing and that I am doing many things 'right' already. This made me very happy to hear.

I learned that I often write personal essays (a short story with a greater amount of time dedicated to reflection on the story).

I learned that I should be funny, likable, not bitter (ha ha) and that I should break the rules of grammar when appropriate. (Funny, no mention of breaking the rules when it's not appropriate, I'm good at that!).

I would love to write a book or two someday. To take the posts that I've already written and somehow thread them together into a book. There are also people's stories I'd like to hear more about and be able to share with others who may not normally get to hear them.

Writing excites me. Being heard excites me. That's probably why I like posting facebook status' and now Twitterness.

Actually, Wally told me to tweet. He thought I should get a phone with internet access and tweet all day long. He thinks it'd be entertaining. I have no doubt.

I'm not getting a phone with internet access unless someone buys it for me and pays the monthly bill. In that case I would do it.

I was told Saturday that when I write I should write. Period. With no worries in mind about who's reading or how things may come out to offend. I'm guessing the best work is from within.

I was also told that you should put aside a certain amount of time everyday to write, because that's how books are written.

This got me thinking....

Often I write when I have something on my mind. I wait until the 'spirit' hits me.

I wonder what would come out if I determined to always write. Everyday.

I may try it. I think it could be interesting. And not. But, that's ok.

Sometimes I get frustrated because there's so much in my head waiting to be written I feel like I just might not make it to the computer in time. It's like mental diarrhea ( holy crap I spelled that right the first time!!).

Yesterday I didn't make it to a computer in time and I lost it all. I was so sad. I'm sure it was good. Ok so maybe it wasn't really any good but it would've felt great to get it off my mind ... whatever it was.

So maybe I will try and write everyday. Maybe it'd be fun. I'm not sure how much time I should carve out. The dude that was tell us to do this wrote for 2 hrs a day. Yeah, trust me, you don't want me to do that. Maybe I'll start with a half hour and then on days that I have more time an hour. We'll see.

If you're a twit find me on twitter: queenoftowels

We'll see how this goes....

Non sense

Somedays I blog.

I blog and blog.

Only problem is: it's all in my head.

I blogged a great post today, actually two.

One random one about showering and the other about the writing seminar I attended on the weekend.

They were good posts.

In fact so good someone read them and got in touch with me asking if I'd write in their newspaper. Every week!

They even promised to glue glitter around my name, on the paper.

'Wow!' I thought 'That'd be amazing! Of course I'll do it!'

(I mean between you and me who gets glitter around their name on the newspaper? Yeah, that's right, no one).

Don't worry I'm going to keep blogging even with my imaginary newspaper glitterdom. I mean I don't want to abandon my humble beginnings and all.

Hope to return soon.

Struggling

Once again this is where I find myself. In the midst of several different pulls in different directions. I know where I should go. I know what I could do to make things better. Yet ... I struggle deeply to do it.

I was thinking back yesterday on my original '40 day Adventure'. I was reminded why I had decided to embark on it (if you are new to reading my blog go back to July '09 somewhere and you can read about it - sorry, I still don't know how to link things and stuff. I'm a work in progress).

I had originally set out to do my life changing little experiment because I was tired of eating being my primary method of entertainment.

If I was happy, I would eat.

If I was sad, I would eat.

If I was bored, I would eat.

If I was scared, I would eat.

If I was _________________ (insert anything), I would eat.

Therefore one night I got sick and tired of my only real hobby: eating, that left me feeling ill, bloated, lazy, lacking self confidence to try new things, depressed and without a desire to do anything else.

I had decided to hopefully stem this fixation by forcing myself to use my other senses to experience life in different ways that might bring me joy, discovery, fulfillment and growth. Then I started my list.

My list went from taking the bus downtown (something I'd never done), to showing my appreciation for Bill the door man with some muffins (something I'd always wanted to do). I forced myself to be uncomfortable by trying on and purchasing some less than modest lingerie (not once but three times - as it took me that long to find anything suitable, it was torture), along with my first bikini (that will never be worn), and a fashionable purse (now I am a potential addict). I even challenged myself to expand (what seemed to be) my most used sense of all by only ordering strange-to-me food every time I visited a restaurant.

I completed tasks I'd been avoiding, like washing the windows, making a birthday gift, and getting my passport and realized how little time it takes to get a nagging task off of your shoulders. Don't wait! Do it now!

I pushed myself to give those I wasn't too sure of a chance to win my heart by inviting them out for coffee. In the process I learned that still waters run deep and I need to be more understanding of where people are coming from.

I made a priority of reigniting an old relationships and remembered why it had developed in the first place. Along with this, I had breakfast and lunch with both my brother and sister in law, something I really never do. I learned that relationships take effort on both parts but all it often takes is a phone call.

I, after many years of avoiding it, asked someone a very important question that I was not entirely prepared to hear the answer to. I was able to process the information carefully during a 'safe' time in my life rather than caught off guard later when perhaps life could be more turbulent.

I opened my mind to another faith and went to a Catholic Mass (something I'd love to do again). I reread a popular book of the Bible (John) after having not read it in years - amazing how differently you can see something after years have altered your perspective. It was beautiful.

I separated myself from media for a time, and also enjoyed nature's beauty for free. Wally and I had over potential couple friends we barely knew and loved them (only to find out that they were moving in a couple of months). I had coffee with a co worker whom I bonded with instantly, then shared a pedicure with later, as it was also on the 'list'.

One of my favourites had to have been 'invite 5 girlfriends out for a night on the town' paired with 'try a shot of Tequila'. It was such a fun night full of laughter and bonding. The cool part was they were girlfriends from all different areas of my life but they came anyways and had a ball!

I learned a lot in my 40 days. But there's one thing I didn't do. Free myself from food. I have learned doing that to free yourself from food you simply make a decision not to allow yourself to be a slave.

I was hoping before that by engaging my other senses I would be automatically drawn to leave, what seems to be, my favourite one behind. It was not so.

Even though since my first '40 Day Adventure' my life has been expanded in wonderfully crazy ways that makes it fuller, a bit more exciting and definitely more open to 'different', it hasn't let go of my long time wrestling match with food.

I have learned the proper way to eat perfectly. And I'm even teaching it now! For a long time I did feel free from the lusts of my taste buds, but somehow in recent weeks I have been lured back into the shackles of it once again.

I didn't really want to confess this. I don't want people to know. Most of all I don't want others to think because I have fallen they will fall, or because I struggle then it's impossible. I am all about hope.

I know beyond a doubt that the fight I keep picking is of my own lack of decision. I know that there's no magic formula to winning this battle (that of eating when you don't need to - I'm not referring to weight loss, for that there is a formula).

However, will all of this being said, I would love to make another list of sorts. Maybe take another look at my second '40 Day Adventure' and see what I've left behind, revise up a new list of things I want to try and more importantly write about.

There are so many things I want to do and share.

By the way, sticking to my decision to eat clean and out of hunger rather than emotion is one of them.

I'll get there. I am getting there.

Now to enjoy the road to where 'There' is...

My dream world

In my dream world ...

My dogs wouldn't 'mark' my treadmill. My fingers wouldn't feel the excruciating pain of a -25 degree Celsius walk with them. My husband would come out of 3 years of college knowing how to change the toilet paper roll, then actually do it. Although it wouldn't matter, because the roll would never come to an end but fighting over stupid things would.

In my dream world ...

Chocolate cake wouldn't be R rated in my diet. Diets wouldn't exist. Nor would the need to scrub my bath tub. The electric fireplace we have would feel (and cost) the same as a gas one. I would have interior decorator instincts causing my house to look perfectly me and I wouldn't care if one room 'matched' the next. Because it wouldn't matter.

In my dream world ...

I would wake up without evidence that a crow has nested itself in my hair. The grays that peak out after distinct efforts to keep it hidden wouldn't bother me. Every pair of pants I owned would be of the yoga persuasion. Yoga would be as easy as it looked. Looks wouldn't matter.

In my dream world ...

People would always be happy therefore causing extreme generosity. All of the close-to-the-store parking spots would be open. As would people's minds causing mass fits of understanding and compassion. There wouldn't be racism, sexism, homophobia, or religiosity, only room for genuine love.

In my dream world ...

Every one would be living out their purpose and be fulfilled with what they do and what they've been given. There wouldn't be 'poor' people because no one would get left behind. We wouldn't have to 'look forward' to something happening because everything that does is exactly as it should and enjoyed for what it is. No one would get sick with fear, disease, ignorance, or despair. We would be whole.

In my dream world ....

My dog Sour would let me cuddle him whenever I wanted. Cuddles would be a requirement of the day. Days would go by at perfect speed. Speed would only be a measurement of time.

In my dream world ....

Old friends live down the street. The street is made of dirt and I don't care if it gets in my house. My house would be open for all who needed it and I would be completely ok with this. I would bake the best chocolate chip cookies after school for my kids and they would appreciate each and every bite (then offer to do the dishes). The neighbour dog would wag rather than bark and not make me scared that he'll eat my dogs Sweet and Sour for his dinner.

In my dream world ...

My writing would be perfect and editing wouldn't be needed (even though I don't do it anyways). People would always understand my sense of humour and I would never say the wrong things. I wouldn't care about winning or pointing out other people's flaws. I'd only look at the good in people and have understanding for the things that are under construction.

In my dream world...

I am always on perfect time. Time doesn't really exist. Everyone can opt to work from home in their pajamas (especially on snow days) and drink the world's best hot chocolate while sitting in front of the cozy warm fire. I know how to deal with every situation that arises. I don't avoid funeral visitations because they are actually fun parties thrown to celebrate a life. Laughter is the most contagious virus and it heals instantly. There are also little elves that live in your cupboards that cook, clean, do your laundry and fix things around your house when you go to bed. They love you too.

In my dream world ....

People teach me how to be a hugger. I teach them how to write thoughtful notes to those that make a difference in their lives. I am comfortably warm all of the time and never need to worry about armpit stains. I am physically fit and able at any given moment and mentally strong enough to handle any fit of rage or discouraging word (even though I won't need to be). I will cry when it makes sense and smile when it doesn't.

Most of all in my dream world ....

I am loved beyond reason by those seen and unseen.



Wait a minute .... this one I already have.

Seems like the others are just extras to remind me what really matters to help me through this very imperfect world. And, that I am likely living someone else's dream world as we speak. Must remember this.

I still look forward to someday enjoying perfection in all of it's glory. Little elves and all.

Bee's Goodbye

Today (or by the time this is published, yesterday) was tough.

I spent 2 1/2 hours sitting in my chair with 1000 other people paying tribute to a beautiful woman's life that was very well lived.

I am exhausted and emotionally drained. Yet, after the long conversation Wally and I shared before bed, I am left awake with only my thoughts.

The service itself was nice. There was laughter, tears and stories celebrated all around Bee's life. There were numerous pictures to remind us of whom we lost. The spirit of Bee was nearly palpable, something I've only ever experienced at one other funeral years ago (and I've been to many, many funerals). Bee, in so many ways, was with us.

Though Wally and I happened to find ourselves surrounded by chatterboxes both before and during the service, and despite someone's outburst at a pinnacle point in Pastor D.'s personal message, AND even though a person had to be carried out by ambulance attendants on a stretcher, it was still a wonderful send off.

However, for some reason I found myself barely kept together through out the entire service. I felt like an over stuffed pillow who's threads were screaming 'We can't do this anymore!! We're not strong enough! We're going to burst! Watch out!!!!'

It may have been the sweet memories shared. It could have been the pointed statements that addressed Bee's clinical depression and the fact that 'She lost the battle of her mind'. Or .... it could have been the fact that I related so well, too well, to her obvious feelings of hopelessness that lead to her death.

Though my faith leads me to believe, with confidence, that Bee is at peace in the arms of her Father (and this does give me hope), my heart grieves deeply for the moments Bee will not share with her family from now on.

I also too easily understand how Bee could feel so hopeless as too no longer want to live.

I've heard so many times, from so many people (who quite honestly seem as if, according to the appearance of their imperfect lives, that they should be able to relate to her) that didn't understand why Bee would feel so hopeless, why she would give up on life.

I sit there and hear these questions and wonder what's wrong with me? Because I can COMPLETELY identify with wanting to leave this world and just end the pain that seems so incredibly overwhelming during different points in life.

I remember (as I've shared before) when I was 8 years old and wanting to end my life due to the bullying I had to endure every day at school. As I think back now I can't believe an 8 year old could possibly have those feelings, but I know beyond a doubt that I did. I will never forget the moment I pulled the cord around my neck, tighter and tighter until I knew that I wouldn't be successful. I gave up and cried wishing I never had to face the pain of others' mean words again.

I remember laater when I was a teenager, feeling lost and depressed when my best friend had found a boyfriend and I was left alone. When I wondered if faith was really real and I had yet to learn the Truth. I wanted out of life then. Luckily not bad enough to do anything, but I did fantasize about it.

Then another decade later when I experienced my first unbelievable loss, that of my aunt. I had faith at that time. I knew the hope we had in it, but the thought at the time, of living life with the reality of death getting it's grip , at any given time on someone I loved hurt too much. I didn't want to face life without her and with that truth. It hurt too much. I lay many a night awake in my bed praying that God would take me too so I wouldn't have to learn how to live without her. Even though I had a loving husband by my side doing his best to love me through.

A person can have the most loving spouse in the world and the strongest faith there is but when they are sad, when they are deflated, when they are broken hearted, their perspective is not accurate.

It was stressed upon a few times today that Bee had a chemical imbalance in her brain that caused her depression - that's what depression is scientifically, isn't it? No one wanted it to appear as though Bee's faith had dwindled at any point causing her to give up on it, thus giving up on life.

I knew Bee so I needed no convincing. Her faith was who she was, you could not divide the two. Some skeptics though would call her faith false or untrue, as it would appear too weak to believe in salvation from her emotional and mental anguish.

Many people can spout off Scripture after Scripture regarding all of the joy and freedom Jesus brings to those who are sad. I stand on these promises as true, but there are times when people are beyond sad, when their minds are ill and their emotions too much for them to receive the help that is available. Does it mean they are hopeless? No! Does it mean God can't miraculously heal them? No!

It means that we continue to live in a broken world waiting for the Healer to come and make it right. Some people ask 'Why does this happen?' The answer is what I've already mentioned. A broken world.

We had a chance to live in a perfect one but that didn't work out, now we must limp through what we've been given. However the good news is that we've been given a chance to walk and even run with joy through Hope. To not only survive in this broken world, but to also even thrive.

Often life is going so well that we question God when something goes wrong, because the hurt seems like the exception. Really, if we were honest, we are truly and overwhelmingly blessed to find and experience the gifts we have in this life (amongst the brokenness of this world) every passing day. Considering how far it is from what God intended it to be we should be much less shocked at the pain we experience and much more appreciative of the amazing miracles we are able to find in the every day.

How much beauty do you usually see in something that's shattered? However in this world and it's vast disarray we get to feel love from each other and we get to give and receive this love freely. We can hold a newborn baby all perfect and warm in it's state of amazingness. We are able to share life with a partner if that's what we choose. We get to laugh and experience joy at the littlest things. We get to enjoy what something tastes like, and be calmed by certain sounds.

There are so many ways each day, especially in our country, that we come face to face with what is good. So much that we find it appalling when we have to come face to face with something bad.

You're probably wondering how I went to identifying so easily with a mentally distraught person to preaching about appreciating that more often than not we live with the good things in life. I'm not sure how I got here either. oh well.

In short, I love Bee. In fact, I wish I could love her back here. I am also startled by the ending to Bee's story because it makes real the hopelessness one can feel. The hopelessness I have felt and could feel again.

I always want to focus on the wonderful in my life. I want to remind myself as often as I can that there's always a better way out.

Pastor D. said a few things that really struck me today. He reminded everyone to always say 'I love you' when departing from a loved one. He said, if he could, he would tell Bee 'I still need you. Our daughters still need you. We all still need you.' And he asked us all to watch out for our loved ones that may be experiencing depression and to not be afraid to get them help if it seemed needed.

Depression seems to be a taboo issue in our culture. We think it's essential to judge someone with it or decide that they are weak. If anything, I think those suffering with depression are just misunderstood and not given enough credit for the fact that they are getting through life. And if they haven't, it's not because they are weak. I think it's just because they didn't know what else to do.

Bee, I respected you before. I respect you now. You lived your life fully and with beauty. I admire that. Thank you for sharing your heart, but most of all your laughter. It brought a smile to many faces. What better gift can you give?

Give Papa a hug for me. I look forward to catching up someday. Enjoy your new home :)