Tears over Melba toast

It's 4:30am and I've been wide awake for the past two hours keeping my current 'no sleep' streak alive and well. Actually I did sleep great one night, which is probably better than most young mothers, however I'm not overly impressed as I am not yet a young mother. At this rate I'll be lucky ever to be a mother, let alone a young one.

I've tried distracting myself on the computer, I accidentally shut it down (along with all of my tabs for house hunting and my research into personal training certification). I then tried going back to bed only to toss and turn and be reminded of my yesterday.

Which then lead me to tears over Melba toast. Not just any Melba toast, but a pre opened package from a few days ago that was on my night table. (Seriously, is there such a thing as stale Melba toast?).

Now I sit here already having had a few good sobs over 4 pieces of something I will never understand why it was made purposefully but enjoyed as much as my 73 year old grandfather did years ago.

Tears over Melba toast. Good times.

Yesterday was long but not overall terrible. I actually was feeling pretty good about the day until a conversation I had with a co worker (which I have to say I really hesitate bringing up as I know some co-workers who read, I trust they know my heart doesn't have ill intentions).

I had endured and enjoyed an hour with the loudest woman on the planet whom drives me crazy and makes me want to put her in my pocket to experience all day long all at the same time.

I took another person I support to the Snoezelan room (a therapeutic place stimulating the senses) for the third time to be dazzled by the progress she's making each time we go. A new piece of her personality is revealed with every visit. It is so cool to see.

I also got to help a co worker fix a significant med problem during the same shift with little time to spare - but it got done. It felt good to be a tiny help in finding the solution.

Then I had a conversation that knocked the wind out of my sails.

I was chatting with another co worker about one of the places/people I support as they asked how it was going. Following the question there was a quick lifting of the eyebrows in anticipation, yet subtle at the same time.

I began to answer safely then got the hint that there was understanding in her question. So I followed my answer with a question ... 'why do you ask?'

Something I probably should've left unexamined.

This trusted co worker went on to share that the person I was supporting's home provider had been speaking to their neighbor (who is also involved in home providing with our agency) and neither of them could figure out what 'the staff' (being myself) did all day with.... well, the person I support.

I nearly fell off of my feet. Not because it isn't a valid question. But more because, to me, my integrity was being questioned - as I in fact am accountable for all I do, all we do, in the progress notes.

Apparently they were concerned and questioning the fact that I brought the person to my home. Other staff were referred to as 'lazy' and so on because of doing leisure activities while yet other staff did the leg work. Over the last couple of months I have been the only staff for this person leaving me with more responsibility than time for fun, but I have really enjoyed the challenge.

The hard part was, though I have indeed brought this person to me house, in the past couple of months it has only been to print forms out on the computer or to do doing nice for the home provider. We definitely were not sitting around. Even if we were it wouldn't be a crime where I work to do that. Leisure is as important for those we support as work, or any other daily activity of living. Of course it should come more times than not after the other stuff is accomplished but it generally does anyways.

I guess the part that bothers me so deeply is how hard I have been trying to work with this person to make sure everything is done well. Appointments upon appointments, phone calls upon phone calls, government forms and attempts upon attempts. There has actually been very little time for anything fun. Something I used to do much more of with this person (and I am sure will in the future).

I know you could say 'Don't assume the conversation, look at the trouble it has caused you before' but I trust this staff, her intent and the context she gave to the conversation (which is further than I can explain).

*Sigh*

Nothing hits me to the core more than someone questioning my integrity, especially in my work. I'm far from perfect. I am, more times than not, without the answer. I will openly admit that I am fully aware I am not the best DSW in the land and this frustrates me, which is why when I can at least get the work that needs to be done completed I try my darndest to make it happen. Having someone question my work ethic is a big deal to me.

I did my best to get this out of my head, it was more than a challenge. It got a bit easier when I entered one of my weekly nursing home visits with Dolly (remember she has Alzheimers?).

It was then I got to be reminded about how truly cruel human services can be.

There's too much to write to help you understand the whole situation but I can say this: my heart was broken more than once during my brief time with her. As I watched her go from tired, crying Dolly, to happy, lovey Dolly, moments later to angry, yelling Dolly, yet a few seconds later to 'Thank you so much! You spoil me!' Dolly (that's what she will say if she thinks you gave her her current colouring book for her birthday - which by the way is everyday, my kind of lady!).

The one that hurt the most was when she said out of nowhere in the most cheerful of voices 'Hi, my name is Dolly!' then shook my hand as if it was the first time ever. Then she politely asked how my day was going.

This was the most diverse conversation (those two lines) we've had in a long time and they were quickly over moments later when she forgot we were having a conversation and then went back to yelling and being upset.

Because of new protocols where she is there is little I am allowed to do with her anymore, hopefully that will change soon. Early on I disconnected myself with her hoping that the fact I had to be a near stone in my actions would help my heart be numb to what she was going through.

It didn't work.

As we sat in the t.v room without the t.v being on (not allowed) I disengaged from her the best I could but quickly felt my nose turn hot and the tears well up.

I just watched her.

I watched her go from one emotion to the next, with not one interaction between herself and another person, she switched on and off all on her own, seemingly without control.

I had done so well disconnecting that by the time I left she hadn't even noticed (and I had to walk right in front of her). I was secretly grateful as it would've been hard on both of us.

As I left feeling empty and heartbroken over Dolly I was quickly reminded of my earlier disappointment of the day that sunk further down in my heart.

I know it doesn't always matter what others assume or think.

I know I can't change Dolly's situation.

But I do wish there was a dose of something we could take (that wasn't alcohol) that could cure these sad days.

Something better than Melba toast.

I completely realize I am just doing a job. I am paid to care. I do get to go home at the end of the day (whenever that might be). But it still changes the state of my heart the same as if I didn't.

I am human.

Pre-Worrying

So I'm REALLLLLLLLY good at this. If one could get paid for doing this well - I'd be right up there at the top making the big bucks.

Unfortunately 'pre-worrying' isn't really a positive quality to have. Pre-planning is, pre-worrying isn't.

My problem is that I get the two confused all of the time. Maybe I should figure out what the difference is ....

A few definitions on worrying (Taken from the Nelson Canadian Dictionary of the English Language - you know in case you all wanted me arrested for plagiarism) :

* To feel uneasy or concerned about something, to be troubled.

* To cause to feel anxious, distressed, or troubled

* Persistent mental uneasiness

* To proceed doggedly in the face of difficulty or hardship, to struggle

I feel wound up in a ball just reading these things.

Now what is planning?

* A scheme, program, or method worked out beforehand to accomplish an objective

* A tentative project or course of action

* To have a specific aim or purpose

Hmmmmm ... sounds much less stressful.

The first half of our marriage Wally and I (probably more I than Wally) had a plan. We did our best to make that plan come to fruition. I did my best not to wrestle with worry about the plan along the way. For the most part I am happy with how I handled the plan in regards to worrying.

All of the parts of my plan that I had control over I fulfilled, we fulfilled. Unfortunately the parts of the plan that relied on ... well I'm not sure who or what to blame ... let's say life, did not get fulfilled in anyway that fit into my plan.

In facing Life's decidedly different plan than my own, I/we had choices. We did our best to avoid worry and be realistic, thoughtful and smart about the options Life offered. I am happy to say that worry only crept into our lives temporarily and never to a point of affecting our decisions too much. This made living Life more fun and enjoyable.

Wally and I are now at another crossroads. We have begun the process of house hunting, something that over the past two years I have secretly dreaded (and not so secretly). I have enjoyed the freedom of renting and the little commitment to stay in one place. I have also enjoyed the financial freedom that does come with no signed monetary agreements past 'yes I'll pay the rent on time'. I have feared the idea of owning a home again, and I realize that it's not mandatory that we do. However it seem right for us in this moment and it's something I think that the I part of us almost needs to do.

In case you haven't noticed I love challenge. I love new things. I love new places. I love meeting new people. I love seeing development. I love growing.

My downfall is that I love all these things a lot and often.

I was on the phone with a College recruiter yesterday as I inquired about a possible course I may be interested in (more on that later). I hadn't realized that it was actually a Diploma and a year's worth of night school. She was asking me what I did for a living now and how long I'd been at it. I chuckled out loud and said 'I'm a DSW and have been working in the field for not quite 2 years'.

She paused and was obviously speechless. I recognized her hesitation. You get familiar with it from people when you are someone like me. It's somewhat embarrassing and sort of fun all at the same time. (I did clarify that I loved my job but not a fan of it in a full time context).

Anyways, I guess my point is that sometimes I get a little out of control with whipping around with new ideas all of the time. I want to see things happen yesterday and when I have to wait I nearly go crazy and either want to give up or, after a lot of fighting with myself) embrace the mental challenge that it is for me and continue to work on it baby step by baby step.

I guess this is one thing that my training and change in eating has really stretched me with. Your body does not change overnight and if you want to ever see or feel a change you HAVE to accept that baby steps is what will take you there.

I know that 'settling down' physically by grounding ourselves somewhere (for however long we feel called to be there) is a healthy step for me to take but definitely a challenging one on the worrying front for me.

You see, Wally and I hope to become parents within the next year or two, some way or another. And since our dramatic (for us) leap of faith in selling our home and moving to the city and going back to school, we have tried to view 'planning' for our lives differently. I have found with the thoughts of buying a house the urge to fall back into pre-planning our lives has come upon me. Something I now sort of despise as I see how great Life can be when you just take one day at a time, one challenge at time, and keep yourself open to what Life often has to offer.

You see when we get too heavily involved in pre-planning, it quickly becomes pre-worrying and then you stop really just living and seeing Life around you. How sad.

I don't want my mortgage to decide my life or how much faith I live with. I want my heart to do that. I want my heart to be full to the brim and overflowing with the excitement that comes with having a home to share, children to fill it, and the love for Life willing to not let physical things snuff out unseen dreams.

So as I wrestle over the idea that I may HAVE to work part time to make things work and wonder if our kids can handle a working mommy, if their working mommy can handle a working mommy, if I'll need to work for my own sanity, how I will accomplish my new dreams while having children, if I can handle children and a job, if I will have time to dream, if I will have energy to pursue my drams, or if I'm selfish for wanting all of it.

Whoa!!

Wait a second ....

I just realized something .... one step at a time.

*Breathe*

If I just live today and be my smartest, most thoughtful, loving Life me today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. That's all I need to do.

And ... I may just realize that my husband, my kids, my job, the things I challenge myself to do are all indeed a part of my dreams. And with them, I am Living.

One baby step at a time.

Baby steps.

Focus

Focus. Balance. Breathing. Doing. Feeling. Listening.

Knowing when to act. Knowing when to stop. Knowing when to run. Knowing when to rest.

I've learned a lot about these things in terms of my time at the gym these days. Respecting each of their roles in the process of bettering my physical body.

However ... I am still learning how to use these valuable tools in my daily life.

Last week I had the privilege of having my PATH done. This is something the agency I work at has began to implement for people we support and now even for the staff. What you do is gather around you people that you care about and that care about you and your dreams. They are people that will help you achieve the things that you dream up.

You get together and sit and the person getting their PATH done, with the facilitators help, puts themselves in a 'dream world' where money is no object and they think of what they would like to do, be and have.

For anyone this can be a challenge. For anyone this can be exciting. For those we support often it is the first time in their lives they get to enter the realm of the impossible, or what seems impossible to them. It can be difficult to put themselves in a place to think of doing ANYTHING when they have only known being limited by their bodies, their minds, those around them, their financial status, just to name a few. It is a beautiful chance for them to put ideas to paper then have others help them achieve these things, or at least perhaps the feeling of these things. (For example their dream may be to become an airline pilot, and due to obvious reasons that may be impossible, however taking them up in an airplane where maybe they could, with some help, control a plane or just fly in the sky, they are given the chance to at least feel those feelings and the freedom that comes with it).

Once you get your dreams out on paper the facilitator helps you go through and see where you will be with them in a year, then 6 months, and what you can do now. This helps breakdown the big goal into smaller steps to hopefully help you see how achievable it is. Then those you've invited can give input on what they can do and where they can help with you achieving these things.

I will admit I had little trouble entering my 'dream world'. I pretty much already knew what my dreams and goals were for this year to come a a wee bit beyond. It was still fun to do. By the end of the evening I was pumping with adrenaline and excitement causing me not to settle down and sleep. The next day the excitement had turned into despair as I had gotten barely any sleep which seemed to make my weekend coming look overwhelming and unbearable. Clearly sleep is an asset.

The past few days have overcome people and left my dreams feeling like weights. I know that's the opposite of the point.

As I've been thinking about my 'issues' I have realized that focus for me is a challenge.

When I worked out with Dee I generally did well because he told me what to do, I never doubted him, I did it and went about my business. Often times a joke was cracked while I was in the middle of performing a set of something or other and it would break my focus and my body would give out. For a good cause but one that interrupted what I was supposed to be doing - I would inevitably get after him to joke during my breaks (though I could absolutely break the rules at anytime).

When I began working out alone I prepped my MP3 player so that I could enjoy music while I was torturing myself alone. However I quickly realized that I need to use everything in me to focus on the task at hand in a workout. I learned that I can workout as hard and some days harder than I did with Dee. this surprised me as I thought Dee was the key to my challenging workouts. I've learned that FOCUS is my most necessary ingredient.

Now coming back to my PATH. After having a rough few days following having my PATH done I have realized that my focus can be a negative thing too.

I have tried to accomplish a years worth of work into the past three days wondering how it will get done, what I should do first, doubting myself, wanting to give up on certain things, stressing about if I can work and accomplish everything, and I could go on and on.

This morning as I have had to choose to skip the gym for my sanity (balance, balance, balance) so that I could stop and reign in my overly jumpy mind that refuses right now to focus on one step at a time.

I hope to be able to slow down my head a bit and just break these goals down a bit more into more bite sized pieces so that I don't overwhelm myself so much.

Hmmmmmmm ... I just had a thought. We'll see if it goes any where.

I think I really miss blogging a lot. Because I've been teased alot about it being narcissistic I think I subconsciously decided that I should let it go because it was unhealthy. I think I over analyzed things and I may just have to make it a priority, if for nothing else, for myself.

Too excited to sleep!!

I'm way too excited to sleep.

Even though I barely slept lastnight and I will hear an alarm going off in ... oh 5.5 hours.

I'm excited because of something I don't have the energy to explain right now but is indeed going to be life changing.

I expect that I will soon be inspired to share more and write more and once again be stretched more. I trust that my urge to write will be ignited again and that it won't be in vain.

Cannot wait til I can sleep, so I can share :)

Doggie Poop Bags

Great title eh? Got you intrigued?

A little over 2 years ago when Wally and I moved from our cute little house with our quaint little yard from our quiet little town with our two adorable little dogs to our little apartment in the big city we had some adjusting to do. On many fronts.

Not only did I need to get over the fact that I wouldn't need to plan for the extra 20 minutes in the grocery store for a last minute milk run because we didn't know a single soul here (let alone every other soul related to that soul). We also had to get used to the idea that we did have to plan for the extra twenty minutes it would take to drive a block in a half through traffic during rush hour.

Something else we had to 'come to terms with' was the fact that we no longer had a convenient fenced in yard to house and employ our dog duties. This meant a minimum of three trips a day down 7 flights in an annoying old elevator that moved at the matched snail pace of 95% those who used it.

I remember a couple of weeks into newly established daily doggie outing schedule (which by the way, we never ever had before) thinking 'Oh my goodness. 3 walks a day times 365 days a year for at least 2 years equals 2190 (ok so I didn't exactly do that math in my head but you get the idea) walks while we live here! How am I ever going to do this?!'

It overwhelmed me to think about the fact that I would have to pick up their poop that many times before ever getting the luxury of just opening up the back door and letting them run freely to a tree or spot of their choosing (in the dark cold morning might I add). I know it sounds silly but this tidbit of reality gave me a bit of panic.

Would I be able to pull myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to do this? What about in the winter time when the snow is above their little heads and there's no where to scamper to ... you know, move things along? What about when one of them came down with the dreaded doggie poo flu? Yikes how would I deal with that in the middle of the night seven stories up?

Well two years later I have learned that you do what you need to do in situations you just have no choice about.

It only took a few months before I completely forgot about the looming 2190 poop pick ups that would have to be done (which is good considering that number will likely turn out to be closer to 3285). We got into a new rhythm in our lives and all of the 'fun' of no backyard became the norm at our place (along with the 75 layers of ridiculously mismatched winter wear that rears it's ugly head late every fall).

My silent hopes that our dogs would be flu free while living closer to the sky have been dashed, more than once. I have found myself outside of our building at 3am in my pjs trying to encourage a sick dog to get everything cleared out before returning to fits of vomiting ... or worse inside.

Through it all I have wished on more than one occasion that we didn't have carpeting everywhere and have definitely dreaded the elevator wait in times of desperate need (doggie bladder infections aren't cool, nor are plugged anal glands - gotta hate when that happens). But I have learned it can be done. Necessity is indeed the mother of invention.

I'm not exactly sure when I stopped counting the poop bags. Maybe when I accepted that this was our reality for now and the only other choice would be to get rid of these furry little creatures, which for us wasn't (and isn't) an option.

Sometimes not having choices is the best thing for us.

Why do I bring this little story up?

Yesterday was my first workout alone and with the realization that's how it would be for ... ever.

My immediate thoughts while I was in the middle of my rather intense self torture went to wondering how many more times I would have to do this before it was over. Unfortunately the answer didn't bring relief.

I remember when I first started doing cardio twice a week, as prescribed by Dee, and sitting on the bike (which by the way I abhorred and think I may still when I put it at a workout level) thinking 'Oh my goodness, I'm going to have to do this forever! I hate this. *pant pant* How am I ever going to get through it? I hate this. *pant pant* How am I not going to quit? I hate this. *pant pant* What if it doesn't make me lose weight? (Clearly I cared deeply about my health then). I hate this. *pant pant* How many more times do I have to do this? I hate this. *pant pant*'

I won't lie, I still have days when I wonder if I'll be able to stick with it and wish it wasn't a part of taking care of the health I've been blessed with. Overall though I look forward to getting my heart pumping (even though I still hate the bike I force myself to do it because it makes me work hard and sweat lots). In fact after doing weight training I look forward to mindless stuff like cardo on a machine and oddly now consider it the dessert after a healthy meal (sick I know).

My hope is that I will soon forget thinking about how many more I have to go and begin to crave it as a necessary part of feeling good.

The one thing that has kept me in the gym through moments of wanting to absolutely give up and never return has been neglecting the worry of 'next time' and focusing on just getting through 'this time'. I can't tell you how many times this strategy has helped me succeed through a tough time.

I've mentioned this before but in the past I've approached diet and exercise as 'all or nothings'. I had to do something perfectly or I would give up. This time around I have been able to approach things more in the moment and it's been an awesome discovery.

People often joke that if you knew what was going to happen in the future you'd never get out of bed to face it because you'd be worried and scared all of the time. But life does happen when we least expect it and challenges come our way that we overcome or at least learn how to live with (often not without a good scrappy fight along the way). We get bumped and bruised, and don't always feel so hot about what we have to do and often resent the fact that we have to do it. In the end though most of us do it. We survive and some of us even thrive through it.

Some of us eventually stop counting the poop bags and just look forward to the walk.

I want to look forward to the walk and enjoy the one I'm already on.

It's ok to sit down once in a while and rest, that's what benches are for. As long as we eventually get back up and keep walking, right?

Buzz, buzz, buzz

I'm not sure why my itch to write as of late has been non existent but it has and I won't lie, it kind of concerns me. For quite a while I thought 'I could totally do this for a living' but as the past couple of months have flown by with little thought or urge to do so I wonder if the satisfaction of it was only temporary and yet another one of my 'phases'. If so, it saddens me, as I gain so much relief and satisfaction from it.

There is part of me that wonders if it's the imbalance I've been feeling as of late is the real cause.

I really feel like a broken record harping on and on about not being even keel so much with work and personal life, this time I think the imbalance lies in a different area of my life...

I am the type of person who is not particularly a fan of confrontation. However in light of the breakdown of what I would consider to be a very important relationship in my life over the past 6 months (I can't believe it's been that long! I now understand how time escapes people who are involved in a disagreement and they end up losing 25 years to resentment and hurt before they realize it), I will say I am an even less of a fan of watching conflict idling without confronting the cause.

Unfortunately I feel that there has been a breakdown to some degree in both my personal life and professional life that I have struggled greatly to address.

In my relationship personally I have done all that I can do (aside from excusing the hurt I experienced and behaviour shown to me) to try and fix it. I know that the expectation of many of those around me has been to once again let go of the internal injury and move on. To be honest I want to be able to do that, and in I way I think I have. However the memory of what keeps happening, the established pattern, haunts me and has caused me to be shy of re-entering that pattern. Not to mention there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can seem to do right in this person's eyes so I'm at the point I don't want to try anymore. However, as I mentioned earlier, I cannot stand the discord or 'unkept' relationship, especially when I know there is great potential for things to be so much better than they are.

In this case I clearly have a choice to make, I just don't know what that is.

The part of me of me that clings to peace and fullness desires nothing but to let go and move on. Yet an equal part of me, that has received constant criticism about everything I say and do and so much of who I am, is aching for a break from the 'air' of judgment that never seems to end. I just want to be shielded from it.

Many people have told me story after story of their experiences and have stated that leaving such a situation would be better and easier on all fronts. As I sit in the position I'm in right now I can't help but want to do this so very badly, just leave, walk out and never look back. However doing so would affect the most important relationship that I have and I don't want to do that (even though at this point it's all I can do to NOT do this).

It's times like this that I want the lessons of the fragility and incredible giftedness that is life to get lost. I want to forget that I am doing my damnedest to live life to it's fullness without regret or misgiving in my relationships. Whenever I get into a situation as this I always use life and death as a baseline for my decisions. I actually tried this very early on when trying to bring the situation to a close but it wasn't received as anything worth giving a second glance at. It's usually then that I figure if someone can't see how important it is to give and receive forgiveness when reminded of this, it is my hint to move on and not give anymore of myself (here I am assuming myself is worth the time of day).

For some reason this little test has failed and I still find myself wondering what to do. The memory of potential death looms in my head and I want all to be at peace. (Sounds morbid I know, but I think it's important to do our best to be at our best as much as we can with those that are significant in our lives).

That's my personal dilemma.

Then there's my work dilemma ... which really could be described very much alike.

Where I work there seems to have developed a breakdown between the relationship of staff and management, not unheard of for any workplace. In fact most people would not see a workplace as healthy unless this breakdown (or 'respect'/fear) existed.

I have always been under the impression that the agency I work for is different. And though I've seen otherwise over the past several months I believe it is different, in a good way. I just wonder if recent rapid growth has changed things rather quickly and the first thing to go was the affection between staff and management. And unfortunately along with staff and their jobs. That's just my best guess.

You may be wondering what my dilemma is here. I mean what really can someone who is still in their infancy of a new career do in an agency that has spanned over her lifetime right? Well inside I know a lot. Once again my incessant need for peace, fullness and life override everyone's logic (even my own) and challenge me to find resolution. Yet I still ask myself 'Who am I in a group of 120 other people?' Well, I am one big fat annoying voice. Come on, we all know how annoying a buzzing little fly can be whether you are in a small room or large. All you really want to do is kill the annoying little bastard.

Maybe that's my fear, that I'll get the boot. However, if I'm not fulfilled, along with dozens of other people who used to LOVE their jobs and where they worked, then what really is the loss?

I've tried to feel out the crowd and see if it was just me and my 'weaknesses' that kept me from satisfaction but quickly learned that the only thing holding people back form doing anything was fear. I've heard over and over that people fear being looked at as a 'black sheep' and worry that they will establish a bad reputation and get the ramifications of it later.

Something I hate about myself: though I am often fearful, it rarely stops me from doing what I know is best. This does not make me a hero, this pushes me to points of frustration that are beyond sanity and I hate it. Yet I feel as though I have no choice.

When I think about it, I kind of wonder if balance isn't the issue I am struggling with here but just the frustration of responsibility of who I am (not that I'm all that special, I just mean we all are put here to do something and have a responsibility to do it).

I can't tell you how many times in the past few months I have wanted to speak on behalf of my burned out, misused and fearful co workers. Most of whom are not my friends, just fellow humans whom have yet to discover their voice, or moreover are scared to death to use it.

It's funny, in school we were actually taught how to advocate for those we support but never for ourselves. As I think more and more about the stress levels and discontent of my co workers I am realizing this cannot NOT affect those we support. Reminding me right now how important it is to speak up.

*taking a breath*

Well, after getting this out I think I have solved at least one of my conundrums. The first one I still have no clue about. The second is easy: I have to speak for those who don't have a voice, whether I'm only heard as the annoying fly or not.

It's funny how we spend so much time trying to get a job done yet we are totally missing the point of what we are actually aiming to complete. In my field we spend our entire day trying to understand someone's method of communication and then doing our best to give what is needed. How odd that we try and do this for others yet have no clue how to do it for ourselves.

It's time to learn.

Buzz, buzz, buzz!!!

Thank you

I smiled :)