I wanted to explain further why exactly helping our friend with an act of kindness in the area of her car was significant to both Wally and I. This story has two parts of kindness in it that will forever have a place in our hearts.
Without further a due, the 'Cranberry Story' ...
It was a few weeks before Christmas several years ago. Wally and I had just found out that our little Neon needed a heart transplant and that it would cost approximately $3400. At the time we were living in our house, had mortgage payments, Wally had just started a few months prior trying to work his way into selling insurance and doing financial advising. I was self employed teaching piano and house keeping, also working at the church as a youth worker 20 hours a week.
We were both getting frustrated but trying desperately to be patient while Wally 'grew' his business. Money was tight but we had a bit of money in the bank for emergencies, we quickly learned not enough.
Our car went in to get fixed and was gone for 3 1/2 weeks. We got it back just two days before Christmas when it broke down the very next day putting it back in the garage for another 3 1/2 weeks. At the time we only had one car and so I was using my parents' second car to do my work - everyone's patience was wearing a little thin. Especially when we had an additional $1600 in car repairs and maintenance after the initial amount. We were sapped.
Soon after the car went in the first time Christmas festivities were beginning to get underway. For us this meant a lot of family gatherings and hosting a few ourselves. Every year since the third year we were married we have had both sets of our parents and each of our grandmothers over for a mini family meal. I thought it would be a nice tradition to develop early in the month of December as by the time we saw each other at Christmas there was a crowd of family and we didn't ever really get to enjoy eachother. And usually, to be honest they were the ones that did a lot of the work. I thought it would be a great challenge for myself to try and put on a full turkey dinner by myself to treat them.
You know how I like challenges, well it was definitely that the first couple of years, but I got the hang of it and am now the 'turkey cooker' for Wally's family Christmas dinners (one year I did three birds over the holidays!). My favourite is the home made stuffing!!!
Anyways, that year as I looked at our drained bank account and contemplated the cost of a turkey dinner for six and the fact that we really didn't have any extra money for groceries I thought 'Maybe this year we'll have to let this go'. After a bit more thought I decided I didn't want this infant tradition to get forgotten so I decided I would just do my best to trim the trimmings and be even more frugal than I already was.
As I was going through the grocery store I looked at where I could save money and one thing I remember distinctly was that the no name cranberries were significantly cheaper than the name brand cranberries (yes I bought them in a can). I gazed at the 'Ocean Spray' can and for some reason was saddened. It had never generally bothered me to buy no name anything but for some reason I felt on that day that Ocean Spray cranberries were essential for our meal. Unfortunately I had committed to be frugal. Plus, really? What did it matter about the cranberries when they were a mere small addition to the meal - who would even notice? Like I said, at that time the cranberries meant something to me and so I was disappointed when I had to give them up.
As Christmas got a bit closer one night I got a phone call from a friend of ours who lived down the street but went to our church as well. She called up and said she wanted to drop off your Christmas card. I told her I had just finished teaching and I was home.
A few minutes later in the windy blowing snow she pulled her car up and got out. In her arms she carried a cardboard box, a grocery bag and of course the Christmas card.
She literally whisked in, dropped everything on the floor, gave me a quick hug and whisked out. It was clear she did not want any recognition.
I was overwhelmed with her kindness and began to cry (I'm not much of a crier usually). I began going through the treasures she brought.
In the grocery bag was a frozen turkey. In the cardboard box: boxes of Kraft dinner, homemade jam, pickles, sidekicks, cans of soup and a few other stray items. As I sifted through my heart nearly stopped when I discovered one last thing. Ocean Spray cranberries.
I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. Of all the things to be packed into a box of non perishables, why cranberries? Some might suggest the gift was for a Christmas dinner but nothing else (other than the turkey) fit into the traditional scheme of things, nothing.
I knew exactly why the cranberries were in there. They were a gift. From that Papa of mine. They were a reminder to me that even the little things in my life mattered to him and that he indeed would supply all of our needs in perfect time.
I've never in my life been so changed by a can of food in my life. Especially one that, to be honest, I don't generally ever even eat.
The story doesn't end there.
When the car returned to us a couple of days before Christmas (the first return) and we learned what the bill would be we were deflated (even more so after it broke down the next day after we paid it and it had to go back in!). We were sure exactly how we would both pay our car bill AND survive over the next few months as we were using that money to help carry us over with groceries and gas.
We got a call from Nathan's team manager in his somewhat of a new career. He wanted to let us know that he and his wife would like to lone us any amount of money we needed to get through this rough patch completely interest free and for as long as we needed. We were astounded. For a couple of reasons...
For one when you are in the financial industry there are a few rules with managers and team members, one being: managers sign off on an agreement that in no way ever will they lend money to those working under them.
The other reason is because we barely knew this man and his wife. We'd met them a few months earlier but really didn't know them that well at all.
Initially we didn't think we could take their help. Like I said, we barely knew them, and we didn't borrow money from anywhere. The only debt we'd ever had as a married couple was our mortgage so we were rather fearful of what this would do to us, both financially and relationally.
We talked and talked about it and pondered our options. In the end we decided we had no other real choice and we were considering this our answer to much prayer. We accepted.
The couple lent us $3000 interest free and we (once Wally started working at the pig farm at the end of March) had it paid back by the end of June that year.
We will forever feel the impact of these two generous acts of kindness and continue to share the stories. They still stir our hearts now.
This hopefully explains why we felt drawn to help our friend out with her car problems, we definitely identified and felt it was our turn to 'pay it forward', even in this very small way. Knowing the back ground of how greatly we've been helped in the past hopefully gives you a glimpse into why we aren't anything special to share a tiny bit of what we have now.
My hope is that we will continue to remember what it's like to be in these situations and be open to being used in interesting ways to help with the solution.
Remember the cranberries.
We do. We keep a can of Ocean Spray cranberries on our kitchen shelf to remind us always of how we have been provided for.
Sometimes the little things are the big things.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Ideas and #34 - Random act of Kindness
Too many of my thoughts lately have been taken up with negative things I don't have control of. Things I want to be able to 'fix' or change but things I simply can't.
I realized just moments ago I need to let go of the negative and once again do my best to focus on the positive. I'm no pro at this so clearly it's a great opportunity for me to practice.
As I am almost through my dreaded July and heading into a more acceptable August (Yay!!) I am beginning to look ahead to my (hopefully) successful September. (I'm not sure what that means I just liked the two s's).
Now is he perfect time to start thinking about what I want my work schedule to look like. How many hours I want to have. What I want to do with the extra time I should be setting aside. Relationships I want to nurture. Books I want to read. Goals I have. And ... so much more.
I've never really had this dilemma before. It's a good one to have I think.
My time with Dee will be over yet my challenge may not yet be fulfilled. I think I'll be close but probably not there. I will still have that to work on.
Hmmmmm ... I've been thinking a lot about family and how Wally and I can better stay connected with them. We haven't paid nearly enough attention to our grandmother's as of late and really would like to see both of them (sad that we've not been more vigilant about these very precious relationships).
We also feel as though since finishing school we haven't kept in as good of contact with friends as we used to, so we'd like to entertain more and nurture some of those relationships.
I haven't been to my home church in over a year now and would like to get reconnected.
I have a ton of scrap booking to do however I admit that I find it overwhelming. I know though when I get it done I feel good. I think I should make an effort.
I'd like to read more.
I've talked to Wally about my job and how I love what I do but feel that I have many things I would like to try that I don't get to do right now in my job. For example: I miss teaching - I would love to do that again. Not sure how but it's something to think about. I also just realized I could probably write for the agency newsletter - I've heard that they are always looking for stuff. I love being creative with fundraisers and I have an idea for a big one that would be lots of fun but lots of work - I may just look into it. Wally mentioned that it wouldn't be horrible to work on my resume a bit in that regard so I think I will look for opportunities to do that.
Of course this degree thing is floating in the air - we'll see. I love learning.
Wally and I are thinking seriously about starting to research the kid thing in the fall. We realize it could take a while so now might be a good time to look into it.
One huge thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is how I can better give back - you know, to the world, my community and stuff. I've been thinking about my orphan babies (ok so they aren't mine but in my head they are). They are so ingrained in my heart that I was thinking of them last night as I was going to sleep wishing I could hold them. I know that likely makes me sounds a tad on the psychotic side but I'm at peace with this.
I just feel that there is more that I should or could be doing than wishing I was with them or just visiting for a mere 10 days. I want to connect with them. I want to do something other than give a monthly PAP (pre-authorized payment). It seems like a waste of longing to just sit here and cry about how I can't blah, blah, and blah when I am perfectly capable of taking the initiative to get involved myself.
Of course I'm not sure how or what I will do but as I am writing I am deciding that I will do something soon in this area. Hmmmm ... now I'm excited.
Ok so onto my community idea ... This sort of relates to the random act of kindness number I had on my list. I told you that Wally and I completed it and right now am wondering why I haven't told you about it already. How 'bout now?
I know I may be judged as boastful for sharing but I share only to encourage you all to do the same (only maybe better as we're not perfect at it).
Initially when I added this to my second '40 day adventure' I figured I would end up loading my car with granola bars and water bottles and just start handing them out while at intersections with homeless people asking for money. Of course this is a good idea, one I hope to do soon as I've just mentioned it but for some reason it wasn't resonating with me as a 'challenge'.
I let this one go for quite a while because I couldn't think of what I (or should I say we) should do. Until, out of the blue, an opportunity seemed to come to us that definitely challenged us.
I was sitting the garage where we go to service our cars and as I am sitting there reading my book, pretending to be waiting patiently, in walks Wanda a schoolmate of Wally's who is around our parents' ages. She graduated along with Wally and has been out of school 6 months and is yet to find a job.
Here's a bit of Wanda's story: She is a mother of 4 grown children (the last one just finished high school a couple of years ago), she has 2 or 3 grand children (sorry I can't remember) and she raised her kids by herself mostly during the past 15 years or so. She had a degree and a college diploma already when she decided to go back to school again.
Wanda did not have an easy time getting through school but she did it. She also hasn't always had an easy time raising her kids but she did that too. She's a tough lady who is very thoughtful and generous with her time and talents. Her parents are from Holland and you'd know it. She is someone I'm glad to know.
Anyways, Wanda walked into the garage and was waiting to talk to the own when she saw me and we started chatting. I already knew her car was not well as the school gang had just gotten together the week before and she mentioned it. We chatted and then she was able to relay her car problems to the owner of the garage whom apparently is very good with people in dire financial situations (or at least he has been with her in the past). She was telling him her situation and that when she said she had no money it meant she had NO money. No grocery money, no car fixing money.
They talked further and it was decided that he would look at her car. She made it clear that she just needed to know that she could drive it until the wheels fell off. He basically told her that he felt that's exactly what would be happening if she didnt' get it fixed pronto. They set a date for further inspection and she left.
I had listened to their entire conversation (I was sitting right there) and thought about it. Hmmmm...Wally and I have certainly been in her position: serious car troubles and no job. At the time we were on the brink of disaster and, well, it's a long story involving cranberries that I think I'll share with you soon.
Anyways I knew instantly that this was or should be our random act of kindness. The problem was it was a little bigger of an act than I anticipated. As I over heard the conversation Wanda's car problem could be any where from $500-$1000 to fix! Not exactly a box of granola bars and a case of water.
Initially I thought we could just offer the mechanic a couple hundred dollars to 'help' out the cause and then Wanda would only have to worry about the rest. That would get our point across right? For some reason that wasnt' enough, especially when both Wally and I were working and had money in the bank. We could commit to whatever was wrong.
I thought about it more and then brought the idea up to Wally. When he whole heartedly agreed that this was the thing to do I figured out that worst case scenario would likely be $1000 and we could, if we had to, pay it off in 3 months - if we had to.
Wally called the garage the next day and told the owner that we would pay to have anything fixed on Wanda's car, but she was NOT to know anything about it. There was some back and forth but finally Wanda's car went in to be fixed the following week. We got the bill and it was only $275!! We were so glad we just went ahead to pay the whole thing.
We were even more elated when Wanda put this on her facebook status:
" Wanda is incredibly grateful.... please know that you have made a difference not only in my life, but in my attitude. I will pay it forward when I can."
Wow! That was worth way more than the $275!!!
Wanda is still looking for a job and I ask you to pray for her or think of her with hopes of getting one soon. Our desire in doing this for her was not to be able to brag but to give her hope in a situation that has brought her much discouragement.
As I mentioned earlier I would love to start something, perhaps a bit more organized that could spontaneously help or give hope, or even just relief for regular people who are just trying to make their way in the world. We all stumble upon hard times, discouraging times or just plain burn out. How great would it be if in that situation you got encouragement in whatever form.
Right now I am thinking of a lady who works where I do. She too is a mother of four grown children (still in college but grown) and is divorced. She works two jobs and I don't think has a day to herself, because last time I asked when she was getting a break she said she had 2 days off in August, one of which she would be taking her son to college. She shared that she too felt burnt out but I got the sense that she was doing what she had to do to keep things together.
She's a lovely lady and since my retreat she's been on my mind. It's kind of weird because I barely see her. I was thinking she could benefit from a couple of days away on her own just to enjoy doing nothing. She may be my next surprise. She also mentioned how her gardens needed help and I immediately thought I should gather a team of people together to surprise her with getting that done (as you would not want to set me loose in a garden alone, as I would likely end up ripping up all the perennials and leaving all the weeds!)
Anyways, these are just some thoughts I've been having lately on things I could do to feel like I have an ounce of meaning in my life. If you have thoughts or ideas or share interest in helping let me know. I'm thinking I could post a few connections on my blog once I figure out what I want to become involved in.
I think the fall could be a wonderful new beginning for me. And maybe for you too!
I realized just moments ago I need to let go of the negative and once again do my best to focus on the positive. I'm no pro at this so clearly it's a great opportunity for me to practice.
As I am almost through my dreaded July and heading into a more acceptable August (Yay!!) I am beginning to look ahead to my (hopefully) successful September. (I'm not sure what that means I just liked the two s's).
Now is he perfect time to start thinking about what I want my work schedule to look like. How many hours I want to have. What I want to do with the extra time I should be setting aside. Relationships I want to nurture. Books I want to read. Goals I have. And ... so much more.
I've never really had this dilemma before. It's a good one to have I think.
My time with Dee will be over yet my challenge may not yet be fulfilled. I think I'll be close but probably not there. I will still have that to work on.
Hmmmmm ... I've been thinking a lot about family and how Wally and I can better stay connected with them. We haven't paid nearly enough attention to our grandmother's as of late and really would like to see both of them (sad that we've not been more vigilant about these very precious relationships).
We also feel as though since finishing school we haven't kept in as good of contact with friends as we used to, so we'd like to entertain more and nurture some of those relationships.
I haven't been to my home church in over a year now and would like to get reconnected.
I have a ton of scrap booking to do however I admit that I find it overwhelming. I know though when I get it done I feel good. I think I should make an effort.
I'd like to read more.
I've talked to Wally about my job and how I love what I do but feel that I have many things I would like to try that I don't get to do right now in my job. For example: I miss teaching - I would love to do that again. Not sure how but it's something to think about. I also just realized I could probably write for the agency newsletter - I've heard that they are always looking for stuff. I love being creative with fundraisers and I have an idea for a big one that would be lots of fun but lots of work - I may just look into it. Wally mentioned that it wouldn't be horrible to work on my resume a bit in that regard so I think I will look for opportunities to do that.
Of course this degree thing is floating in the air - we'll see. I love learning.
Wally and I are thinking seriously about starting to research the kid thing in the fall. We realize it could take a while so now might be a good time to look into it.
One huge thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is how I can better give back - you know, to the world, my community and stuff. I've been thinking about my orphan babies (ok so they aren't mine but in my head they are). They are so ingrained in my heart that I was thinking of them last night as I was going to sleep wishing I could hold them. I know that likely makes me sounds a tad on the psychotic side but I'm at peace with this.
I just feel that there is more that I should or could be doing than wishing I was with them or just visiting for a mere 10 days. I want to connect with them. I want to do something other than give a monthly PAP (pre-authorized payment). It seems like a waste of longing to just sit here and cry about how I can't blah, blah, and blah when I am perfectly capable of taking the initiative to get involved myself.
Of course I'm not sure how or what I will do but as I am writing I am deciding that I will do something soon in this area. Hmmmm ... now I'm excited.
Ok so onto my community idea ... This sort of relates to the random act of kindness number I had on my list. I told you that Wally and I completed it and right now am wondering why I haven't told you about it already. How 'bout now?
I know I may be judged as boastful for sharing but I share only to encourage you all to do the same (only maybe better as we're not perfect at it).
Initially when I added this to my second '40 day adventure' I figured I would end up loading my car with granola bars and water bottles and just start handing them out while at intersections with homeless people asking for money. Of course this is a good idea, one I hope to do soon as I've just mentioned it but for some reason it wasn't resonating with me as a 'challenge'.
I let this one go for quite a while because I couldn't think of what I (or should I say we) should do. Until, out of the blue, an opportunity seemed to come to us that definitely challenged us.
I was sitting the garage where we go to service our cars and as I am sitting there reading my book, pretending to be waiting patiently, in walks Wanda a schoolmate of Wally's who is around our parents' ages. She graduated along with Wally and has been out of school 6 months and is yet to find a job.
Here's a bit of Wanda's story: She is a mother of 4 grown children (the last one just finished high school a couple of years ago), she has 2 or 3 grand children (sorry I can't remember) and she raised her kids by herself mostly during the past 15 years or so. She had a degree and a college diploma already when she decided to go back to school again.
Wanda did not have an easy time getting through school but she did it. She also hasn't always had an easy time raising her kids but she did that too. She's a tough lady who is very thoughtful and generous with her time and talents. Her parents are from Holland and you'd know it. She is someone I'm glad to know.
Anyways, Wanda walked into the garage and was waiting to talk to the own when she saw me and we started chatting. I already knew her car was not well as the school gang had just gotten together the week before and she mentioned it. We chatted and then she was able to relay her car problems to the owner of the garage whom apparently is very good with people in dire financial situations (or at least he has been with her in the past). She was telling him her situation and that when she said she had no money it meant she had NO money. No grocery money, no car fixing money.
They talked further and it was decided that he would look at her car. She made it clear that she just needed to know that she could drive it until the wheels fell off. He basically told her that he felt that's exactly what would be happening if she didnt' get it fixed pronto. They set a date for further inspection and she left.
I had listened to their entire conversation (I was sitting right there) and thought about it. Hmmmm...Wally and I have certainly been in her position: serious car troubles and no job. At the time we were on the brink of disaster and, well, it's a long story involving cranberries that I think I'll share with you soon.
Anyways I knew instantly that this was or should be our random act of kindness. The problem was it was a little bigger of an act than I anticipated. As I over heard the conversation Wanda's car problem could be any where from $500-$1000 to fix! Not exactly a box of granola bars and a case of water.
Initially I thought we could just offer the mechanic a couple hundred dollars to 'help' out the cause and then Wanda would only have to worry about the rest. That would get our point across right? For some reason that wasnt' enough, especially when both Wally and I were working and had money in the bank. We could commit to whatever was wrong.
I thought about it more and then brought the idea up to Wally. When he whole heartedly agreed that this was the thing to do I figured out that worst case scenario would likely be $1000 and we could, if we had to, pay it off in 3 months - if we had to.
Wally called the garage the next day and told the owner that we would pay to have anything fixed on Wanda's car, but she was NOT to know anything about it. There was some back and forth but finally Wanda's car went in to be fixed the following week. We got the bill and it was only $275!! We were so glad we just went ahead to pay the whole thing.
We were even more elated when Wanda put this on her facebook status:
" Wanda is incredibly grateful.... please know that you have made a difference not only in my life, but in my attitude. I will pay it forward when I can."
Wow! That was worth way more than the $275!!!
Wanda is still looking for a job and I ask you to pray for her or think of her with hopes of getting one soon. Our desire in doing this for her was not to be able to brag but to give her hope in a situation that has brought her much discouragement.
As I mentioned earlier I would love to start something, perhaps a bit more organized that could spontaneously help or give hope, or even just relief for regular people who are just trying to make their way in the world. We all stumble upon hard times, discouraging times or just plain burn out. How great would it be if in that situation you got encouragement in whatever form.
Right now I am thinking of a lady who works where I do. She too is a mother of four grown children (still in college but grown) and is divorced. She works two jobs and I don't think has a day to herself, because last time I asked when she was getting a break she said she had 2 days off in August, one of which she would be taking her son to college. She shared that she too felt burnt out but I got the sense that she was doing what she had to do to keep things together.
She's a lovely lady and since my retreat she's been on my mind. It's kind of weird because I barely see her. I was thinking she could benefit from a couple of days away on her own just to enjoy doing nothing. She may be my next surprise. She also mentioned how her gardens needed help and I immediately thought I should gather a team of people together to surprise her with getting that done (as you would not want to set me loose in a garden alone, as I would likely end up ripping up all the perennials and leaving all the weeds!)
Anyways, these are just some thoughts I've been having lately on things I could do to feel like I have an ounce of meaning in my life. If you have thoughts or ideas or share interest in helping let me know. I'm thinking I could post a few connections on my blog once I figure out what I want to become involved in.
I think the fall could be a wonderful new beginning for me. And maybe for you too!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
More pie
I've mentioned before that my blog has taught me a lot. Well lately I've been discovering many new lessons. Mostly things I never wanted to learn, at least not by making the mistakes I've made in order to find them out.
I've learned that once things come out of my mouth (or in this case keys) there's no getting them back.
I've learned you can't control how you are interpreted, it's truly in the eye (or mind) of the reader.
I've learned that having a good intention is different that acting perfectly appropriately (and I haven't acted perfectly appropriately all of the time, though my conscious intentions have been).
I've learned that admitting your faults can often just give fuel to the fire, but that's ok.
I've learned that honesty can create connectedness or tear you apart from others.
I've learned that I don't have a perfect gauge when it comes to what I should and should not write about in terms of conversations I have with others.
To be honest I wonder if a large reason I write so openly about how I feel (or at least that's my desire) is because by doing so I learn. Most of the time I am humbled. People enlighten me to a new perspective and that's what I love. Sometimes people agree with me, I won't lie - I love that too. At times I even get praise (no doubt it's my favourite). Recently I've had the honour of being humiliated (and honestly I mean that in the good sense). I say this with no sarcasm or anger, just in truth.
I believe my humiliation, which has not been public (yes you can be humiliated privately), has come and helped me realize many mistakes I've made amidst my revolution of truth telling.
It's because of the last two lessons I mentioned combined that I have really been trying to discover and focus on what I should and should not be sharing when I write.
I realize this should be a no brainer. When I started it seemed much easier. But as I've gotten more honest and more open I've allowed myself to go places and share things I never thought I would. In the heat of it all I crossed a few lines.
As much as I would love to be able to share every little thought that runs through my mind (because honestly I believe we need that from each other not to feel so alone in this world, yet I say as I am feeling rather lonely), I am discovering that unless I want to end up with no friends and a family that has abandoned me I have to use more sensitive discretion.
There is a reason thoughts run through your mind BEFORE coming out of your mouth. AND there is a reason why you keep some things to yourself. Clearly I have forgotten this. Though I've thought very carefully about everything I've written I haven't necessarily thought about the consequences.
It's funny that in my pursuit to be myself all of the time (by the way I'm not sure why or how I ever came to the conclusion that the world really wants to see or be with my most honest self all of the time - really we all just want 'nice' sometimes, myself included), I lost regard for others' feelings when it came to how I wrote of my interactions with them.
It would be much easier to just forget it. Forget writing, forget being 'real', forget family, forget friendships. But, I can't let go of any of these things, all are important to me.
Instead I will challenge myself with the lessons of humility I've so kindly received and choose to learn from them and do better. Figuring out how to juggle all of the things that are important to me and giving respect to each.
Obviously in many ways I can't have my cake and eat it too but I know from my recent lifestyle changes in 'eating clean' you can still bake a pretty good healthy cake, eat it and feel no guilt at all.
I'll do my best.
And though I've done this privately to ones I know I have hurt or disappointed, I want to say to others who may not be so forthcoming with the humble pie, I truly am sorry if I have disrespected our conversations in any way. I do care about your feelings and invite any desserts that (hopefully) help me build character.
There's a reason my blog is called 'A work in progress' because I truly am.
I've learned that once things come out of my mouth (or in this case keys) there's no getting them back.
I've learned you can't control how you are interpreted, it's truly in the eye (or mind) of the reader.
I've learned that having a good intention is different that acting perfectly appropriately (and I haven't acted perfectly appropriately all of the time, though my conscious intentions have been).
I've learned that admitting your faults can often just give fuel to the fire, but that's ok.
I've learned that honesty can create connectedness or tear you apart from others.
I've learned that I don't have a perfect gauge when it comes to what I should and should not write about in terms of conversations I have with others.
To be honest I wonder if a large reason I write so openly about how I feel (or at least that's my desire) is because by doing so I learn. Most of the time I am humbled. People enlighten me to a new perspective and that's what I love. Sometimes people agree with me, I won't lie - I love that too. At times I even get praise (no doubt it's my favourite). Recently I've had the honour of being humiliated (and honestly I mean that in the good sense). I say this with no sarcasm or anger, just in truth.
I believe my humiliation, which has not been public (yes you can be humiliated privately), has come and helped me realize many mistakes I've made amidst my revolution of truth telling.
It's because of the last two lessons I mentioned combined that I have really been trying to discover and focus on what I should and should not be sharing when I write.
I realize this should be a no brainer. When I started it seemed much easier. But as I've gotten more honest and more open I've allowed myself to go places and share things I never thought I would. In the heat of it all I crossed a few lines.
As much as I would love to be able to share every little thought that runs through my mind (because honestly I believe we need that from each other not to feel so alone in this world, yet I say as I am feeling rather lonely), I am discovering that unless I want to end up with no friends and a family that has abandoned me I have to use more sensitive discretion.
There is a reason thoughts run through your mind BEFORE coming out of your mouth. AND there is a reason why you keep some things to yourself. Clearly I have forgotten this. Though I've thought very carefully about everything I've written I haven't necessarily thought about the consequences.
It's funny that in my pursuit to be myself all of the time (by the way I'm not sure why or how I ever came to the conclusion that the world really wants to see or be with my most honest self all of the time - really we all just want 'nice' sometimes, myself included), I lost regard for others' feelings when it came to how I wrote of my interactions with them.
It would be much easier to just forget it. Forget writing, forget being 'real', forget family, forget friendships. But, I can't let go of any of these things, all are important to me.
Instead I will challenge myself with the lessons of humility I've so kindly received and choose to learn from them and do better. Figuring out how to juggle all of the things that are important to me and giving respect to each.
Obviously in many ways I can't have my cake and eat it too but I know from my recent lifestyle changes in 'eating clean' you can still bake a pretty good healthy cake, eat it and feel no guilt at all.
I'll do my best.
And though I've done this privately to ones I know I have hurt or disappointed, I want to say to others who may not be so forthcoming with the humble pie, I truly am sorry if I have disrespected our conversations in any way. I do care about your feelings and invite any desserts that (hopefully) help me build character.
There's a reason my blog is called 'A work in progress' because I truly am.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Vivvie Update and Other Admissions
I wanted to make sure to let you know that outcome of my co worker's and my actions last week in regards to our 'higher ups' and any possible trouble we thought may occur.
Well it turns out we (in so many more ways than one) did the (obvious) right thing by taking Vivvie without formal approval.
When we returned to work afterwards I think it's a fairly accurate description to say that the office was 'a buzz' about what we had done. Really what Chi Chi had done - I simply sat in the passenger seat providing snacks, oh and I nearly killed Vivvie during her lift into bed that night - seriously I'm not trying to be humble just telling you the truth. Chi Chi was the one who checked us into the hotel, communicated with Vivvie's hearing impaired sister and brother in law (in sign language - yes she does it all!!), AND had to get in and out of the wheelchair van hooking and unhooking all of the belts and stuff in the heat while I stood there pressing the deploy and lower buttons on the lift. You really could have put a sequined dress on me and called me Vanna (though admittedly I'm not a size 0, nor will I ever be as my 'tent posts' are too far apart).
Anyways people were talking and by the end of last week both Chi Chi and myself had been spoken to be Vivvie's manager in our agency and were told that the person making the initial call didn't really know the extent of the situation and was under stress from other chaos in the office and had made the wrong call. We were both going to be paid for both days gone as if it were any other trip.
I had mixed reaction. Ashamedly, mostly I was glad because I had given up 9 hours and an overnight (that I was praying to get out of anyway) and had a shift cancelled later that week. But this was my super, incredible selfish side.
The smaller more generous caring part of me was a bit disappointed becasue deep down I wanted to be some sort of hero. You know, the REAL kind that does things out of the goodness of their true and honest heart. Not the kind that even thinks about getting paid for it.
I thought about getting paid for it. I hoped I'd get paid for it. I wanted to get paid for it.
All three of these sentences proves one thing to me.
I am definitely no REAL hero.
I mean I won't lie. I do think it's great and I LOVED going against the rules and making this dream of Vivvie's come true (scratch that - HELPING make this dream come true). I'm proud that honestly in the moment of offering to go I was not thinking for a second about a paycheque.
But once the fun was over (and maybe even during). I thought of money. I thought of car problems, house saving and my own monetary benefits.
Just admitting this shallow notion makes me want to cry. But it's true.
I'm not sure I can do a whole lot to change this as (by no means is this an excuse just common knowledge) I am human.
I sort of think though the more often you do stuff to help others spontaneously the more it will become natural and perhaps more genuine. And probably the first step is just purposefully giving. I think I get the first step, I would just prefer to jump to the last step. You know, and be Jesus or Mother Theresa or something.
Surely they had to start somewhere right?
Anyways I'm making this about me and that's not the point. The point is Chi Chi and I were recognized for our efforts and it felt good. I don't want you to think that I think it's wrong because that feeling definitely gives me the urge to do it again. But I want the urge to do it again to come more from the satisfaction and peace I know Vivvie and her family have gotten rather than what I've gotten out of it.
I printed off 3 pictures to remind me of this experience. One is of the moment Vivvie and her brother first embraced, the other of the two of them posed together, and the third of the two of them with Chi Chi and I.
All reminders of all of the things I've learned.
I'm kind of glad the 'buzz' is over because it was feeding my pride to the point of gluttony and it was making me a little sick.
I'm doing my best to be healthier these days. Funny how gluttony comes in so many different forms.
Something else for me to tackle. I'm up for it.
Well it turns out we (in so many more ways than one) did the (obvious) right thing by taking Vivvie without formal approval.
When we returned to work afterwards I think it's a fairly accurate description to say that the office was 'a buzz' about what we had done. Really what Chi Chi had done - I simply sat in the passenger seat providing snacks, oh and I nearly killed Vivvie during her lift into bed that night - seriously I'm not trying to be humble just telling you the truth. Chi Chi was the one who checked us into the hotel, communicated with Vivvie's hearing impaired sister and brother in law (in sign language - yes she does it all!!), AND had to get in and out of the wheelchair van hooking and unhooking all of the belts and stuff in the heat while I stood there pressing the deploy and lower buttons on the lift. You really could have put a sequined dress on me and called me Vanna (though admittedly I'm not a size 0, nor will I ever be as my 'tent posts' are too far apart).
Anyways people were talking and by the end of last week both Chi Chi and myself had been spoken to be Vivvie's manager in our agency and were told that the person making the initial call didn't really know the extent of the situation and was under stress from other chaos in the office and had made the wrong call. We were both going to be paid for both days gone as if it were any other trip.
I had mixed reaction. Ashamedly, mostly I was glad because I had given up 9 hours and an overnight (that I was praying to get out of anyway) and had a shift cancelled later that week. But this was my super, incredible selfish side.
The smaller more generous caring part of me was a bit disappointed becasue deep down I wanted to be some sort of hero. You know, the REAL kind that does things out of the goodness of their true and honest heart. Not the kind that even thinks about getting paid for it.
I thought about getting paid for it. I hoped I'd get paid for it. I wanted to get paid for it.
All three of these sentences proves one thing to me.
I am definitely no REAL hero.
I mean I won't lie. I do think it's great and I LOVED going against the rules and making this dream of Vivvie's come true (scratch that - HELPING make this dream come true). I'm proud that honestly in the moment of offering to go I was not thinking for a second about a paycheque.
But once the fun was over (and maybe even during). I thought of money. I thought of car problems, house saving and my own monetary benefits.
Just admitting this shallow notion makes me want to cry. But it's true.
I'm not sure I can do a whole lot to change this as (by no means is this an excuse just common knowledge) I am human.
I sort of think though the more often you do stuff to help others spontaneously the more it will become natural and perhaps more genuine. And probably the first step is just purposefully giving. I think I get the first step, I would just prefer to jump to the last step. You know, and be Jesus or Mother Theresa or something.
Surely they had to start somewhere right?
Anyways I'm making this about me and that's not the point. The point is Chi Chi and I were recognized for our efforts and it felt good. I don't want you to think that I think it's wrong because that feeling definitely gives me the urge to do it again. But I want the urge to do it again to come more from the satisfaction and peace I know Vivvie and her family have gotten rather than what I've gotten out of it.
I printed off 3 pictures to remind me of this experience. One is of the moment Vivvie and her brother first embraced, the other of the two of them posed together, and the third of the two of them with Chi Chi and I.
All reminders of all of the things I've learned.
I'm kind of glad the 'buzz' is over because it was feeding my pride to the point of gluttony and it was making me a little sick.
I'm doing my best to be healthier these days. Funny how gluttony comes in so many different forms.
Something else for me to tackle. I'm up for it.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
#12 - Read a book
I'm back to my list. Well sort of.
I finally read and finished my first book in months. I've began reading several but completing them seems to be the challenge for me. I seem to get half way through and lose interest. Leaving me with several books scattered through out our apartment with book marks in them (ok so I never seem to use book marks, usually just receipts or subscription cards from magazines).
The last book I read was just after Christmas. I mentioned it on here and totally loved it. So much so that I felt as though I could've written it.
This was the first time I've ever experienced this feeling. I remember getting to the end and feeling so sad to say good bye to my book. It seemed a part of me. It seemed to be actually connected to me, and I didn't want to lose that connection.
I didn't think it was really possible for that to happen again. It's kind of like a kindred spirit. You can't plan on someone being that to you, and you can't really look for it, it just happens.
Well, I've been fortunate enough to find yet another kindred book spirit in my recent read from my retreat 'Eat, Pray, Love'.
I just finished it on the weekend and I had the exact feelings of sadness when I was finished. Not really about the story but about the fact that there were no more pages to read.
As I said, this is a new experience for me to have. I've never been so tied to a book, or in this case books. Note these were both memoir type books not fiction - fiction is a different ballgame altogether. I don't find it difficult at all to become addicted to the story in a fiction novel. I mean everything seems to run together and flow so well. All the characters are perfectly placed with drama popping up at the perfect times. There's usually sacrifice, heartbreak, recovery and at some point love - romantic or otherwise.
Memoirs however don't generally seem all that alluring. I mean you already know the ending to a degree. If the author is writing they obviously lived through whatever happened. You even get to skip ahead to the end where they have a blurb about them and update where they are now, who they are living with and how many cats are prowling around their newly acquired abode due to the success of the book that is in your hands.
These two books though took me somewhere real. They took me on a journey with, in one case a man, and the other a woman, who were searching for meaning in their lives.
Both made huge sacrifices in order to find what they were looking for. Both realized the spiritual aspects of living a life of meaning, yet also knew the humanity behind it too.
Though the Donald Miller book was a while back and I can't remember every detail I know that he along with Elizabeth Gilbert opened themselves up to learning. They opened themselves up to being wrong, but taking the time to figure out how to do things better. Maybe not perfectly but better.
Certainly this is what drew me to both books and resonated with me. I love adventure. I love risk. I love a good story. Yet, like anyone else I want all of these things to happen while I'm in the comfort of my own home.
Can't I have a good story and still have a regular job? Sure. Can't I create a telling tale from my 7 story apartment? Why not. Can't I experience excitement in life while doing the same thing I always have done? That's (in my opinion) a no. Sorry.
I think it's funny that we all (or at least most or many of us) want a fantastic life story. We all want to be proud of what our lives look like. This may look completely different to each person but that's a good thing. However I don't think many of us want the key ingredient: sacrifice.
We want to hang on for dear life to the things that we know: where we live, with whom we live, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies even. I'm guessing this is just our overall human response, because it is natural for all of us to do this. I know that for both writers giving things up and changing their lives wasn't easy at all.
Why do it at all then? Why not just live happily ever after in the same spot for the rest of our lives? Tell me: how would you feel if your life stayed exactly the same for the next however many years you have left?
I think as much as it is natural for us to keep comfortable, there is just as much of a desire to grow and experience life. I'm by no means saying we all need to sell our homes and travel around the world for a year to 'find ourselves' because to be honest if I did that I'd likely end up losing my mind, my luggage and most of my hair.
I guess these reads reminded me, as I am at a point when I am expected to 'settle' into a 'normal' life, that I'm never going to be done. I'm never going to be finished searching, or learning or experiencing.
I have a 75 year old grandmother that is a testament to 'it's never too late to ...', as she got her ears pierced at the age of 72, got her first boy friend in 60 years and still wants to someday ride a motorcycle.
Though it's not always easy to step out and shock people (because to be honest I think it's other people's opinions that trap us into monotony more than anything else), but sometimes it necessary.
Speaking from the point of view of someone who, if she didn't have an anchor of a husband, probably would be a floating willy nilly crazy person hopping here and there and everywhere yet not ever getting grounded in the lessons available. It isn't just the act of moving about that gives you experience, it's the act of thoughtfully living out what you are called to do and be.
I often wonder if my challenge in life is learning how to grow in a stationary position, where many people's challenge would be to grow by being stretched to move. We need to constantly be aware of what we ourselves are being asked to do and stepping out and doing it.
I think I've written about this before, I clearly need reminding.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I read a book. Front to back. I feel like I made another friend and learned another lesson.
Now ... to write my own.
I finally read and finished my first book in months. I've began reading several but completing them seems to be the challenge for me. I seem to get half way through and lose interest. Leaving me with several books scattered through out our apartment with book marks in them (ok so I never seem to use book marks, usually just receipts or subscription cards from magazines).
The last book I read was just after Christmas. I mentioned it on here and totally loved it. So much so that I felt as though I could've written it.
This was the first time I've ever experienced this feeling. I remember getting to the end and feeling so sad to say good bye to my book. It seemed a part of me. It seemed to be actually connected to me, and I didn't want to lose that connection.
I didn't think it was really possible for that to happen again. It's kind of like a kindred spirit. You can't plan on someone being that to you, and you can't really look for it, it just happens.
Well, I've been fortunate enough to find yet another kindred book spirit in my recent read from my retreat 'Eat, Pray, Love'.
I just finished it on the weekend and I had the exact feelings of sadness when I was finished. Not really about the story but about the fact that there were no more pages to read.
As I said, this is a new experience for me to have. I've never been so tied to a book, or in this case books. Note these were both memoir type books not fiction - fiction is a different ballgame altogether. I don't find it difficult at all to become addicted to the story in a fiction novel. I mean everything seems to run together and flow so well. All the characters are perfectly placed with drama popping up at the perfect times. There's usually sacrifice, heartbreak, recovery and at some point love - romantic or otherwise.
Memoirs however don't generally seem all that alluring. I mean you already know the ending to a degree. If the author is writing they obviously lived through whatever happened. You even get to skip ahead to the end where they have a blurb about them and update where they are now, who they are living with and how many cats are prowling around their newly acquired abode due to the success of the book that is in your hands.
These two books though took me somewhere real. They took me on a journey with, in one case a man, and the other a woman, who were searching for meaning in their lives.
Both made huge sacrifices in order to find what they were looking for. Both realized the spiritual aspects of living a life of meaning, yet also knew the humanity behind it too.
Though the Donald Miller book was a while back and I can't remember every detail I know that he along with Elizabeth Gilbert opened themselves up to learning. They opened themselves up to being wrong, but taking the time to figure out how to do things better. Maybe not perfectly but better.
Certainly this is what drew me to both books and resonated with me. I love adventure. I love risk. I love a good story. Yet, like anyone else I want all of these things to happen while I'm in the comfort of my own home.
Can't I have a good story and still have a regular job? Sure. Can't I create a telling tale from my 7 story apartment? Why not. Can't I experience excitement in life while doing the same thing I always have done? That's (in my opinion) a no. Sorry.
I think it's funny that we all (or at least most or many of us) want a fantastic life story. We all want to be proud of what our lives look like. This may look completely different to each person but that's a good thing. However I don't think many of us want the key ingredient: sacrifice.
We want to hang on for dear life to the things that we know: where we live, with whom we live, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies even. I'm guessing this is just our overall human response, because it is natural for all of us to do this. I know that for both writers giving things up and changing their lives wasn't easy at all.
Why do it at all then? Why not just live happily ever after in the same spot for the rest of our lives? Tell me: how would you feel if your life stayed exactly the same for the next however many years you have left?
I think as much as it is natural for us to keep comfortable, there is just as much of a desire to grow and experience life. I'm by no means saying we all need to sell our homes and travel around the world for a year to 'find ourselves' because to be honest if I did that I'd likely end up losing my mind, my luggage and most of my hair.
I guess these reads reminded me, as I am at a point when I am expected to 'settle' into a 'normal' life, that I'm never going to be done. I'm never going to be finished searching, or learning or experiencing.
I have a 75 year old grandmother that is a testament to 'it's never too late to ...', as she got her ears pierced at the age of 72, got her first boy friend in 60 years and still wants to someday ride a motorcycle.
Though it's not always easy to step out and shock people (because to be honest I think it's other people's opinions that trap us into monotony more than anything else), but sometimes it necessary.
Speaking from the point of view of someone who, if she didn't have an anchor of a husband, probably would be a floating willy nilly crazy person hopping here and there and everywhere yet not ever getting grounded in the lessons available. It isn't just the act of moving about that gives you experience, it's the act of thoughtfully living out what you are called to do and be.
I often wonder if my challenge in life is learning how to grow in a stationary position, where many people's challenge would be to grow by being stretched to move. We need to constantly be aware of what we ourselves are being asked to do and stepping out and doing it.
I think I've written about this before, I clearly need reminding.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I read a book. Front to back. I feel like I made another friend and learned another lesson.
Now ... to write my own.
Sleepless dreams ...
Once again I find myself over exhausted yet awake and up in the middle of the night.
I have an array of thoughts swirling about in my mind.
A long upcoming shift with Lady who, so far, I've had good times with but as of late has been having meltdown after meltdown with different staff (no fault of her own in my opinion, nor am I blaming her staff, just a lot of change). Putting me in a nervous position for our upcoming time together, as I have only actually worked one on one with her once.
I also continue to think about a few of the accusations thrown my way as of late regarding my blog and myself. They bother me but not for reasons some may assume. Which brings me to my sleepless dreams ...
I had a discussion yesterday with someone whom I am closely tied but I don't often chat deeply with. When I do it's generally very beneficial, for both of us. But when I don't our relationship seems to hang in the balance. Doubts about me seem to arise and assumptions seem to be made. I suppose a logical thing to happen when communication breaks down.
As I chatted with this person yesterday there were several concerns that were brought up regarding Wally and I's new life. By new life I mean post school, no large financial responsibilities and general freedom as we do not have any children to care for either.
This person had expressed their thoughts on the fact that we seemed to be having no problem enjoying our new financial abundance (I have to insert that everything is relative - we don't make all that much more than we did before we went to school really but we also don't have a house to look after and we are fortunate to love our jobs which definitely all adds to our abundance). They had no problem with that really but they were a bit worried that we were forgetting what it was like to be 'poor' (I guess).
People have seen us enjoy the benefits of a trainer, something I have talked about a lot here and how it was a big deal for us to go ahead with one as we weren't raised to spend our money on such things and to be honest even now we don't have an excess of cash that makes having a trainer 'no big deal'.
We have bought a new (yet used) car. We did need a second vehicle and have always been the type of people that realized our limited abilities with cars and fixing them ourselves so have always purchased ones with little need for major repairs (at least in the first few years until they are paid for). To us this is just a protective measure.
I have spoken openly to people about the fact that, after 9 years of marriage it is nice, for probably a short period of time, to enjoy the freedom to do a little of what we want. By doing so for the first time ever we have not worried about saving up for a house (which of course is delaying things on that front quite a bit), paying a mortgage or renovating a house. All things we've spent most of our marriage doing up until this point, leaving us with no availability to do anything else with our lives previously.
I try not to speak about these things with an 'I'm better than you because I can do blah, blah, blah' pride but I could definitely see how some may feel that way. To be honest I feel as though the years of unemployment, self employment and doing seemingly menial and not always loved jobs has earned us the right to have some fun. That is, as long as we share. Which we have been doing.
The one thing I was called out on though I was not expecting. I heard the words: 'Eva, when you got married to Wally you said you'd be happy in a mud hut in Mexico doing missionary work. What happened to that dream?'
I literally laughed out loud and replied 'I married Wally!' Meaning: 'That was/is my dream, not his!' It struck me a little funny that it was me that was the concern but I had to let that go and it wasn't all that hard as ironically during my time at the gym with my new friend that very morning was spent talking about the fact that if I were a single woman who had never gotten married I would be living in a mud hut somewhere else in this world caring for orphaned children - there's no doubt in my mind.
This absolutely shocked my questioner, which kind of shocked me but I had to laugh it off as clearly we were reading two different books.
I'm not sure what happens when you are young and in love as Wally and I would both claim not to have really experienced this feeling. I was anything but a welcomed item initially in his life but as I've mentioned before over time that changed (for the most part). We were so blissfully poor when we got married I can't imagine why we ever thought it was a good idea. But I am so glad now that we did.
Our apartment was full of rag tag hand me down furniture, and to be honest much of it is now, we've just gotten so much of it through the years we've been able to match it up a bit. It's funny, I used to tease that whenever someone who knew us was getting rid of a couch they'd just call us because we'd take anything. At one point we had 6 couches in our possession, because you know, we needed six couches.
I don't exactly know why I allowed myself to compromise my hopes of going abroad and running an orphanage for the idea of marriage. Probably because at the time it seemed as though having my own family with the expected man of my dreams was much more anticipated (by everyone including myself) than running off to no man's land.
With that said I'm not so sure I did even compromise my dreams but rather, at the time, traded them in for ones that matched my mate a bit better. If you know Wally you would be aware that he's not exactly the type to get excited about sleeping on a dirt floor just to get to hold a little brown baby. And why should he, he has other dreams and good for him.
I have pressed him several times (especially lately) about moving abroad and getting an IT job somewhere I could do mission work. He has been patient and understanding and when I shared my dream of visiting Thai Thai he expressed his desire to share that with me. A big deal for a man who would prefer his own bed at night.
Marriage is about helping eachother reach your goals and dreams not only what's right for you. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to play a part in seeing Wally reach dreams he wasn't even aware of and I know that my dream of giving a home to children who need it will too be realized. It may or may not happen abroad (though Thai Thai will be a wonderful flavor to taste), but I believe it will happen. I have accepted and am excited that however these things play out they will be for a reason and in their own time.
Though yes, being in a different place in life than that of when I was barely 21 and freshly married, has it's benefits - it cannot change my deepest desires or who I really am.
I won't lie. It is something I think about, every once in a while worry about, and often have to keep in check, while living in North American culture, which has a way with suffocating thoughtfully lived out life. But I have been very fortunate to cross paths with amazing people that challenge me in this area. People that are willing to share their dreams with me and believe in mine when I share them.
My new gym friend Glow shared her excitement about Thai Thai with me (her eyes seriously lit up when she spoke of it), she also sent me a link to blog about a couple that adopted 4 or 5 African children and live there running a home for orphaned and sick babies and children, often reuniting children to their parents when they are well again. Ironically, the husband was in IT and it was a forever dream of the wife.
Hmmmmm ... you never know.
Sleepless dreams can be the best.
(Now I am going to pursue some dreamless sleep!)
I have an array of thoughts swirling about in my mind.
A long upcoming shift with Lady who, so far, I've had good times with but as of late has been having meltdown after meltdown with different staff (no fault of her own in my opinion, nor am I blaming her staff, just a lot of change). Putting me in a nervous position for our upcoming time together, as I have only actually worked one on one with her once.
I also continue to think about a few of the accusations thrown my way as of late regarding my blog and myself. They bother me but not for reasons some may assume. Which brings me to my sleepless dreams ...
I had a discussion yesterday with someone whom I am closely tied but I don't often chat deeply with. When I do it's generally very beneficial, for both of us. But when I don't our relationship seems to hang in the balance. Doubts about me seem to arise and assumptions seem to be made. I suppose a logical thing to happen when communication breaks down.
As I chatted with this person yesterday there were several concerns that were brought up regarding Wally and I's new life. By new life I mean post school, no large financial responsibilities and general freedom as we do not have any children to care for either.
This person had expressed their thoughts on the fact that we seemed to be having no problem enjoying our new financial abundance (I have to insert that everything is relative - we don't make all that much more than we did before we went to school really but we also don't have a house to look after and we are fortunate to love our jobs which definitely all adds to our abundance). They had no problem with that really but they were a bit worried that we were forgetting what it was like to be 'poor' (I guess).
People have seen us enjoy the benefits of a trainer, something I have talked about a lot here and how it was a big deal for us to go ahead with one as we weren't raised to spend our money on such things and to be honest even now we don't have an excess of cash that makes having a trainer 'no big deal'.
We have bought a new (yet used) car. We did need a second vehicle and have always been the type of people that realized our limited abilities with cars and fixing them ourselves so have always purchased ones with little need for major repairs (at least in the first few years until they are paid for). To us this is just a protective measure.
I have spoken openly to people about the fact that, after 9 years of marriage it is nice, for probably a short period of time, to enjoy the freedom to do a little of what we want. By doing so for the first time ever we have not worried about saving up for a house (which of course is delaying things on that front quite a bit), paying a mortgage or renovating a house. All things we've spent most of our marriage doing up until this point, leaving us with no availability to do anything else with our lives previously.
I try not to speak about these things with an 'I'm better than you because I can do blah, blah, blah' pride but I could definitely see how some may feel that way. To be honest I feel as though the years of unemployment, self employment and doing seemingly menial and not always loved jobs has earned us the right to have some fun. That is, as long as we share. Which we have been doing.
The one thing I was called out on though I was not expecting. I heard the words: 'Eva, when you got married to Wally you said you'd be happy in a mud hut in Mexico doing missionary work. What happened to that dream?'
I literally laughed out loud and replied 'I married Wally!' Meaning: 'That was/is my dream, not his!' It struck me a little funny that it was me that was the concern but I had to let that go and it wasn't all that hard as ironically during my time at the gym with my new friend that very morning was spent talking about the fact that if I were a single woman who had never gotten married I would be living in a mud hut somewhere else in this world caring for orphaned children - there's no doubt in my mind.
This absolutely shocked my questioner, which kind of shocked me but I had to laugh it off as clearly we were reading two different books.
I'm not sure what happens when you are young and in love as Wally and I would both claim not to have really experienced this feeling. I was anything but a welcomed item initially in his life but as I've mentioned before over time that changed (for the most part). We were so blissfully poor when we got married I can't imagine why we ever thought it was a good idea. But I am so glad now that we did.
Our apartment was full of rag tag hand me down furniture, and to be honest much of it is now, we've just gotten so much of it through the years we've been able to match it up a bit. It's funny, I used to tease that whenever someone who knew us was getting rid of a couch they'd just call us because we'd take anything. At one point we had 6 couches in our possession, because you know, we needed six couches.
I don't exactly know why I allowed myself to compromise my hopes of going abroad and running an orphanage for the idea of marriage. Probably because at the time it seemed as though having my own family with the expected man of my dreams was much more anticipated (by everyone including myself) than running off to no man's land.
With that said I'm not so sure I did even compromise my dreams but rather, at the time, traded them in for ones that matched my mate a bit better. If you know Wally you would be aware that he's not exactly the type to get excited about sleeping on a dirt floor just to get to hold a little brown baby. And why should he, he has other dreams and good for him.
I have pressed him several times (especially lately) about moving abroad and getting an IT job somewhere I could do mission work. He has been patient and understanding and when I shared my dream of visiting Thai Thai he expressed his desire to share that with me. A big deal for a man who would prefer his own bed at night.
Marriage is about helping eachother reach your goals and dreams not only what's right for you. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to play a part in seeing Wally reach dreams he wasn't even aware of and I know that my dream of giving a home to children who need it will too be realized. It may or may not happen abroad (though Thai Thai will be a wonderful flavor to taste), but I believe it will happen. I have accepted and am excited that however these things play out they will be for a reason and in their own time.
Though yes, being in a different place in life than that of when I was barely 21 and freshly married, has it's benefits - it cannot change my deepest desires or who I really am.
I won't lie. It is something I think about, every once in a while worry about, and often have to keep in check, while living in North American culture, which has a way with suffocating thoughtfully lived out life. But I have been very fortunate to cross paths with amazing people that challenge me in this area. People that are willing to share their dreams with me and believe in mine when I share them.
My new gym friend Glow shared her excitement about Thai Thai with me (her eyes seriously lit up when she spoke of it), she also sent me a link to blog about a couple that adopted 4 or 5 African children and live there running a home for orphaned and sick babies and children, often reuniting children to their parents when they are well again. Ironically, the husband was in IT and it was a forever dream of the wife.
Hmmmmm ... you never know.
Sleepless dreams can be the best.
(Now I am going to pursue some dreamless sleep!)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Finding the joy
Well, I'm finally back. Not that that is earth shattering news, I'm just sayin'.
*Sigh*
I feel like there are a hundred and one things I could blog about today but to be honest there's only one thing on my mind and I am trying hard to fight off the urge to write about it but I'm not winning.
Someone hates me.
For some reason I thought I may be immune to being hated. I'm not sure why I think I'm so great that I couldn't possibly be hated but I have quickly realized I am most definitely not so great.
People generally respond with 'oh they don't hate you, don't be silly', however I am fairly certain I get the honour of being someone's hated.
When I first realized this I immediately did my best to apologize for my wrong doing (as I honestly saw my wrong doing - it did occur). It was unfortunately not exactly met with gushing 'oh I forgive you, I love you, let's dance in a field of daisies!' as I hoped. Instead the hating was only confirmed (along with a few others things).
Anyhow, I proceeded to cry my eyes out. And as I write this wonder how many times I myself have hurt someone to the point of them sobbing themselves to sleep. I am not so arrogant to think this is impossible as I am as human as the next and have my admittedly evil moments (unfortunately). It's now I send up a prayer of contrition hoping that I am forgiven for these past deeds and plead for help never to do it again. However I also know I have a lot of life to go and it may not be possible. I will do my best.
Sleep was lost, my heart confused and obviously hurt - yet not angry. I awoke to the day with a somber feeling. What to do? What to do?
I had no intention of wasting my day getting angry or feeling heart broken over something I can't really fix, other than what I do onward from my apology.
I can't fix how I am perceived. I can't fix if people don't like me (they have every right not to). And I can't fix their response.
The only thing I can fix is me, my attitude and how I move on.
As I contemplated yet again closing down my blog as it is seen as a self absorbed thing to do (obviously it is, I am writing solely about my life - how much more self absorbed can you get, other than expecting people to read it?).
I think of the fact that I pretty much purposefully stand in front of people naked, practically asking them to judge me in every way possible. Pouring out my biggest insecurities, sharing my deepest secrets, and thinking that I have a shred of thought worth absorbing.
Why do I write? Why do I ask people to see me in these ways? Why not quit?
#1 - I write because I get things out of my head, in turn I learn a great deal how to do better when I screw up (which is often), I get feed back from people that helps me realize my mistakes and am shown how to look at so many things from different perspectives. I connect with not only myself but have made much deeper relationships from unexpected people, people I never would have met this way if I didn't have a blog.
To sum it up: I'm selfish.
#2 - I have invited many to read, and I've been asked by many to read. I have given out my address carefully and thoughtfully putting a large amount of trust in those who peer in. My greatest desire is for people to see my humanity and to feel in some way connected to that. Often we feel alone in our feelings, we feel guilty about them and think we are terrible people. Instead I want to be honest about my faults (or maybe even my good points) and celebrate the fact that together we can learn and do better, and accept each other. If I died tomorrow I'd want people to know the real me, that in person takes a long time to get to. I guess this outlet is a bit of a short cut to my heart. No promises you'll love it, but the maps there if you want it.
To sum it up: I'm selfish
#3 - Now this number is a challenge I'm sure I'll wrestle with again and again. I'm going to continue to write for the above reasons and because I've been asked to keep writing by people, which makes me believe (and hope) I write for others too.
Ultimately though: I'm selfish.
Once I figured these things out I let go a little bit and went upon my day.
So, I met a new friend from work (that I connected with through my blog - kind of funny) at the gym to do some cardio.
We had never had much of a real conversation so I was excited to get to know her better. We hopped onto a couple of machines and chatted away for the whole hour. We shared a bit about our lives here and there and then she told me of her trip to Thai Thai a while back when I mentioned going next year. She was full of excitement when sharing and told me stories that sparked my joy.
By the time we were done our hour I was inspired to concentrate on the opposite I was feeling. Love.
I decided that the rest of the day would be dedicated to spreading the love. So I did (or at least I tried).
I sent off a few e-mails saying 'Hey, just wanted you to know I love you!' to people who will likely fall off of their chairs when they read it. Then I went to Wal-Mart and got some of Vivvie's pictures developed. I decided to get creative and make a photo collage for her with the highlights from the trip (it turned out great by the way!!). While I waited the hour for the photos I treated myself to a small chocolate milk, and my newly formed play list as I began to write some love notes.
I think I wrote maybe eight or nine. Some had a specific purpose, some were just to say 'You're great!'. By the end I was feeling ... joy.
Though I did not get through my 'to do' list for the day I did get something important accomplished.
I kicked out the hate and I welcomed in the love.
Does this make me perfect?
Clearly not.
Does this help me cope?
Absolutely.
And sometimes that's all you need.
Finding the joy in today! (Hmmmmm ... sounds familiar eh?)
It really is simple.
*Sigh*
I feel like there are a hundred and one things I could blog about today but to be honest there's only one thing on my mind and I am trying hard to fight off the urge to write about it but I'm not winning.
Someone hates me.
For some reason I thought I may be immune to being hated. I'm not sure why I think I'm so great that I couldn't possibly be hated but I have quickly realized I am most definitely not so great.
People generally respond with 'oh they don't hate you, don't be silly', however I am fairly certain I get the honour of being someone's hated.
When I first realized this I immediately did my best to apologize for my wrong doing (as I honestly saw my wrong doing - it did occur). It was unfortunately not exactly met with gushing 'oh I forgive you, I love you, let's dance in a field of daisies!' as I hoped. Instead the hating was only confirmed (along with a few others things).
Anyhow, I proceeded to cry my eyes out. And as I write this wonder how many times I myself have hurt someone to the point of them sobbing themselves to sleep. I am not so arrogant to think this is impossible as I am as human as the next and have my admittedly evil moments (unfortunately). It's now I send up a prayer of contrition hoping that I am forgiven for these past deeds and plead for help never to do it again. However I also know I have a lot of life to go and it may not be possible. I will do my best.
Sleep was lost, my heart confused and obviously hurt - yet not angry. I awoke to the day with a somber feeling. What to do? What to do?
I had no intention of wasting my day getting angry or feeling heart broken over something I can't really fix, other than what I do onward from my apology.
I can't fix how I am perceived. I can't fix if people don't like me (they have every right not to). And I can't fix their response.
The only thing I can fix is me, my attitude and how I move on.
As I contemplated yet again closing down my blog as it is seen as a self absorbed thing to do (obviously it is, I am writing solely about my life - how much more self absorbed can you get, other than expecting people to read it?).
I think of the fact that I pretty much purposefully stand in front of people naked, practically asking them to judge me in every way possible. Pouring out my biggest insecurities, sharing my deepest secrets, and thinking that I have a shred of thought worth absorbing.
Why do I write? Why do I ask people to see me in these ways? Why not quit?
#1 - I write because I get things out of my head, in turn I learn a great deal how to do better when I screw up (which is often), I get feed back from people that helps me realize my mistakes and am shown how to look at so many things from different perspectives. I connect with not only myself but have made much deeper relationships from unexpected people, people I never would have met this way if I didn't have a blog.
To sum it up: I'm selfish.
#2 - I have invited many to read, and I've been asked by many to read. I have given out my address carefully and thoughtfully putting a large amount of trust in those who peer in. My greatest desire is for people to see my humanity and to feel in some way connected to that. Often we feel alone in our feelings, we feel guilty about them and think we are terrible people. Instead I want to be honest about my faults (or maybe even my good points) and celebrate the fact that together we can learn and do better, and accept each other. If I died tomorrow I'd want people to know the real me, that in person takes a long time to get to. I guess this outlet is a bit of a short cut to my heart. No promises you'll love it, but the maps there if you want it.
To sum it up: I'm selfish
#3 - Now this number is a challenge I'm sure I'll wrestle with again and again. I'm going to continue to write for the above reasons and because I've been asked to keep writing by people, which makes me believe (and hope) I write for others too.
Ultimately though: I'm selfish.
Once I figured these things out I let go a little bit and went upon my day.
So, I met a new friend from work (that I connected with through my blog - kind of funny) at the gym to do some cardio.
We had never had much of a real conversation so I was excited to get to know her better. We hopped onto a couple of machines and chatted away for the whole hour. We shared a bit about our lives here and there and then she told me of her trip to Thai Thai a while back when I mentioned going next year. She was full of excitement when sharing and told me stories that sparked my joy.
By the time we were done our hour I was inspired to concentrate on the opposite I was feeling. Love.
I decided that the rest of the day would be dedicated to spreading the love. So I did (or at least I tried).
I sent off a few e-mails saying 'Hey, just wanted you to know I love you!' to people who will likely fall off of their chairs when they read it. Then I went to Wal-Mart and got some of Vivvie's pictures developed. I decided to get creative and make a photo collage for her with the highlights from the trip (it turned out great by the way!!). While I waited the hour for the photos I treated myself to a small chocolate milk, and my newly formed play list as I began to write some love notes.
I think I wrote maybe eight or nine. Some had a specific purpose, some were just to say 'You're great!'. By the end I was feeling ... joy.
Though I did not get through my 'to do' list for the day I did get something important accomplished.
I kicked out the hate and I welcomed in the love.
Does this make me perfect?
Clearly not.
Does this help me cope?
Absolutely.
And sometimes that's all you need.
Finding the joy in today! (Hmmmmm ... sounds familiar eh?)
It really is simple.
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