More pie

I've mentioned before that my blog has taught me a lot. Well lately I've been discovering many new lessons. Mostly things I never wanted to learn, at least not by making the mistakes I've made in order to find them out.

I've learned that once things come out of my mouth (or in this case keys) there's no getting them back.

I've learned you can't control how you are interpreted, it's truly in the eye (or mind) of the reader.

I've learned that having a good intention is different that acting perfectly appropriately (and I haven't acted perfectly appropriately all of the time, though my conscious intentions have been).

I've learned that admitting your faults can often just give fuel to the fire, but that's ok.

I've learned that honesty can create connectedness or tear you apart from others.

I've learned that I don't have a perfect gauge when it comes to what I should and should not write about in terms of conversations I have with others.

To be honest I wonder if a large reason I write so openly about how I feel (or at least that's my desire) is because by doing so I learn. Most of the time I am humbled. People enlighten me to a new perspective and that's what I love. Sometimes people agree with me, I won't lie - I love that too. At times I even get praise (no doubt it's my favourite). Recently I've had the honour of being humiliated (and honestly I mean that in the good sense). I say this with no sarcasm or anger, just in truth.

I believe my humiliation, which has not been public (yes you can be humiliated privately), has come and helped me realize many mistakes I've made amidst my revolution of truth telling.

It's because of the last two lessons I mentioned combined that I have really been trying to discover and focus on what I should and should not be sharing when I write.

I realize this should be a no brainer. When I started it seemed much easier. But as I've gotten more honest and more open I've allowed myself to go places and share things I never thought I would. In the heat of it all I crossed a few lines.

As much as I would love to be able to share every little thought that runs through my mind (because honestly I believe we need that from each other not to feel so alone in this world, yet I say as I am feeling rather lonely), I am discovering that unless I want to end up with no friends and a family that has abandoned me I have to use more sensitive discretion.

There is a reason thoughts run through your mind BEFORE coming out of your mouth. AND there is a reason why you keep some things to yourself. Clearly I have forgotten this. Though I've thought very carefully about everything I've written I haven't necessarily thought about the consequences.

It's funny that in my pursuit to be myself all of the time (by the way I'm not sure why or how I ever came to the conclusion that the world really wants to see or be with my most honest self all of the time - really we all just want 'nice' sometimes, myself included), I lost regard for others' feelings when it came to how I wrote of my interactions with them.

It would be much easier to just forget it. Forget writing, forget being 'real', forget family, forget friendships. But, I can't let go of any of these things, all are important to me.

Instead I will challenge myself with the lessons of humility I've so kindly received and choose to learn from them and do better. Figuring out how to juggle all of the things that are important to me and giving respect to each.

Obviously in many ways I can't have my cake and eat it too but I know from my recent lifestyle changes in 'eating clean' you can still bake a pretty good healthy cake, eat it and feel no guilt at all.

I'll do my best.

And though I've done this privately to ones I know I have hurt or disappointed, I want to say to others who may not be so forthcoming with the humble pie, I truly am sorry if I have disrespected our conversations in any way. I do care about your feelings and invite any desserts that (hopefully) help me build character.

There's a reason my blog is called 'A work in progress' because I truly am.