Sleepless dreams ...

Once again I find myself over exhausted yet awake and up in the middle of the night.

I have an array of thoughts swirling about in my mind.

A long upcoming shift with Lady who, so far, I've had good times with but as of late has been having meltdown after meltdown with different staff (no fault of her own in my opinion, nor am I blaming her staff, just a lot of change). Putting me in a nervous position for our upcoming time together, as I have only actually worked one on one with her once.

I also continue to think about a few of the accusations thrown my way as of late regarding my blog and myself. They bother me but not for reasons some may assume. Which brings me to my sleepless dreams ...

I had a discussion yesterday with someone whom I am closely tied but I don't often chat deeply with. When I do it's generally very beneficial, for both of us. But when I don't our relationship seems to hang in the balance. Doubts about me seem to arise and assumptions seem to be made. I suppose a logical thing to happen when communication breaks down.

As I chatted with this person yesterday there were several concerns that were brought up regarding Wally and I's new life. By new life I mean post school, no large financial responsibilities and general freedom as we do not have any children to care for either.

This person had expressed their thoughts on the fact that we seemed to be having no problem enjoying our new financial abundance (I have to insert that everything is relative - we don't make all that much more than we did before we went to school really but we also don't have a house to look after and we are fortunate to love our jobs which definitely all adds to our abundance). They had no problem with that really but they were a bit worried that we were forgetting what it was like to be 'poor' (I guess).

People have seen us enjoy the benefits of a trainer, something I have talked about a lot here and how it was a big deal for us to go ahead with one as we weren't raised to spend our money on such things and to be honest even now we don't have an excess of cash that makes having a trainer 'no big deal'.

We have bought a new (yet used) car. We did need a second vehicle and have always been the type of people that realized our limited abilities with cars and fixing them ourselves so have always purchased ones with little need for major repairs (at least in the first few years until they are paid for). To us this is just a protective measure.

I have spoken openly to people about the fact that, after 9 years of marriage it is nice, for probably a short period of time, to enjoy the freedom to do a little of what we want. By doing so for the first time ever we have not worried about saving up for a house (which of course is delaying things on that front quite a bit), paying a mortgage or renovating a house. All things we've spent most of our marriage doing up until this point, leaving us with no availability to do anything else with our lives previously.

I try not to speak about these things with an 'I'm better than you because I can do blah, blah, blah' pride but I could definitely see how some may feel that way. To be honest I feel as though the years of unemployment, self employment and doing seemingly menial and not always loved jobs has earned us the right to have some fun. That is, as long as we share. Which we have been doing.

The one thing I was called out on though I was not expecting. I heard the words: 'Eva, when you got married to Wally you said you'd be happy in a mud hut in Mexico doing missionary work. What happened to that dream?'

I literally laughed out loud and replied 'I married Wally!' Meaning: 'That was/is my dream, not his!' It struck me a little funny that it was me that was the concern but I had to let that go and it wasn't all that hard as ironically during my time at the gym with my new friend that very morning was spent talking about the fact that if I were a single woman who had never gotten married I would be living in a mud hut somewhere else in this world caring for orphaned children - there's no doubt in my mind.

This absolutely shocked my questioner, which kind of shocked me but I had to laugh it off as clearly we were reading two different books.

I'm not sure what happens when you are young and in love as Wally and I would both claim not to have really experienced this feeling. I was anything but a welcomed item initially in his life but as I've mentioned before over time that changed (for the most part). We were so blissfully poor when we got married I can't imagine why we ever thought it was a good idea. But I am so glad now that we did.

Our apartment was full of rag tag hand me down furniture, and to be honest much of it is now, we've just gotten so much of it through the years we've been able to match it up a bit. It's funny, I used to tease that whenever someone who knew us was getting rid of a couch they'd just call us because we'd take anything. At one point we had 6 couches in our possession, because you know, we needed six couches.

I don't exactly know why I allowed myself to compromise my hopes of going abroad and running an orphanage for the idea of marriage. Probably because at the time it seemed as though having my own family with the expected man of my dreams was much more anticipated (by everyone including myself) than running off to no man's land.

With that said I'm not so sure I did even compromise my dreams but rather, at the time, traded them in for ones that matched my mate a bit better. If you know Wally you would be aware that he's not exactly the type to get excited about sleeping on a dirt floor just to get to hold a little brown baby. And why should he, he has other dreams and good for him.

I have pressed him several times (especially lately) about moving abroad and getting an IT job somewhere I could do mission work. He has been patient and understanding and when I shared my dream of visiting Thai Thai he expressed his desire to share that with me. A big deal for a man who would prefer his own bed at night.

Marriage is about helping eachother reach your goals and dreams not only what's right for you. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to play a part in seeing Wally reach dreams he wasn't even aware of and I know that my dream of giving a home to children who need it will too be realized. It may or may not happen abroad (though Thai Thai will be a wonderful flavor to taste), but I believe it will happen. I have accepted and am excited that however these things play out they will be for a reason and in their own time.

Though yes, being in a different place in life than that of when I was barely 21 and freshly married, has it's benefits - it cannot change my deepest desires or who I really am.

I won't lie. It is something I think about, every once in a while worry about, and often have to keep in check, while living in North American culture, which has a way with suffocating thoughtfully lived out life. But I have been very fortunate to cross paths with amazing people that challenge me in this area. People that are willing to share their dreams with me and believe in mine when I share them.

My new gym friend Glow shared her excitement about Thai Thai with me (her eyes seriously lit up when she spoke of it), she also sent me a link to blog about a couple that adopted 4 or 5 African children and live there running a home for orphaned and sick babies and children, often reuniting children to their parents when they are well again. Ironically, the husband was in IT and it was a forever dream of the wife.

Hmmmmm ... you never know.

Sleepless dreams can be the best.



(Now I am going to pursue some dreamless sleep!)