Focus. Balance. Breathing. Doing. Feeling. Listening.
Knowing when to act. Knowing when to stop. Knowing when to run. Knowing when to rest.
I've learned a lot about these things in terms of my time at the gym these days. Respecting each of their roles in the process of bettering my physical body.
However ... I am still learning how to use these valuable tools in my daily life.
Last week I had the privilege of having my PATH done. This is something the agency I work at has began to implement for people we support and now even for the staff. What you do is gather around you people that you care about and that care about you and your dreams. They are people that will help you achieve the things that you dream up.
You get together and sit and the person getting their PATH done, with the facilitators help, puts themselves in a 'dream world' where money is no object and they think of what they would like to do, be and have.
For anyone this can be a challenge. For anyone this can be exciting. For those we support often it is the first time in their lives they get to enter the realm of the impossible, or what seems impossible to them. It can be difficult to put themselves in a place to think of doing ANYTHING when they have only known being limited by their bodies, their minds, those around them, their financial status, just to name a few. It is a beautiful chance for them to put ideas to paper then have others help them achieve these things, or at least perhaps the feeling of these things. (For example their dream may be to become an airline pilot, and due to obvious reasons that may be impossible, however taking them up in an airplane where maybe they could, with some help, control a plane or just fly in the sky, they are given the chance to at least feel those feelings and the freedom that comes with it).
Once you get your dreams out on paper the facilitator helps you go through and see where you will be with them in a year, then 6 months, and what you can do now. This helps breakdown the big goal into smaller steps to hopefully help you see how achievable it is. Then those you've invited can give input on what they can do and where they can help with you achieving these things.
I will admit I had little trouble entering my 'dream world'. I pretty much already knew what my dreams and goals were for this year to come a a wee bit beyond. It was still fun to do. By the end of the evening I was pumping with adrenaline and excitement causing me not to settle down and sleep. The next day the excitement had turned into despair as I had gotten barely any sleep which seemed to make my weekend coming look overwhelming and unbearable. Clearly sleep is an asset.
The past few days have overcome people and left my dreams feeling like weights. I know that's the opposite of the point.
As I've been thinking about my 'issues' I have realized that focus for me is a challenge.
When I worked out with Dee I generally did well because he told me what to do, I never doubted him, I did it and went about my business. Often times a joke was cracked while I was in the middle of performing a set of something or other and it would break my focus and my body would give out. For a good cause but one that interrupted what I was supposed to be doing - I would inevitably get after him to joke during my breaks (though I could absolutely break the rules at anytime).
When I began working out alone I prepped my MP3 player so that I could enjoy music while I was torturing myself alone. However I quickly realized that I need to use everything in me to focus on the task at hand in a workout. I learned that I can workout as hard and some days harder than I did with Dee. this surprised me as I thought Dee was the key to my challenging workouts. I've learned that FOCUS is my most necessary ingredient.
Now coming back to my PATH. After having a rough few days following having my PATH done I have realized that my focus can be a negative thing too.
I have tried to accomplish a years worth of work into the past three days wondering how it will get done, what I should do first, doubting myself, wanting to give up on certain things, stressing about if I can work and accomplish everything, and I could go on and on.
This morning as I have had to choose to skip the gym for my sanity (balance, balance, balance) so that I could stop and reign in my overly jumpy mind that refuses right now to focus on one step at a time.
I hope to be able to slow down my head a bit and just break these goals down a bit more into more bite sized pieces so that I don't overwhelm myself so much.
Hmmmmmmm ... I just had a thought. We'll see if it goes any where.
I think I really miss blogging a lot. Because I've been teased alot about it being narcissistic I think I subconsciously decided that I should let it go because it was unhealthy. I think I over analyzed things and I may just have to make it a priority, if for nothing else, for myself.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Too excited to sleep!!
I'm way too excited to sleep.
Even though I barely slept lastnight and I will hear an alarm going off in ... oh 5.5 hours.
I'm excited because of something I don't have the energy to explain right now but is indeed going to be life changing.
I expect that I will soon be inspired to share more and write more and once again be stretched more. I trust that my urge to write will be ignited again and that it won't be in vain.
Cannot wait til I can sleep, so I can share :)
Even though I barely slept lastnight and I will hear an alarm going off in ... oh 5.5 hours.
I'm excited because of something I don't have the energy to explain right now but is indeed going to be life changing.
I expect that I will soon be inspired to share more and write more and once again be stretched more. I trust that my urge to write will be ignited again and that it won't be in vain.
Cannot wait til I can sleep, so I can share :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Doggie Poop Bags
Great title eh? Got you intrigued?
A little over 2 years ago when Wally and I moved from our cute little house with our quaint little yard from our quiet little town with our two adorable little dogs to our little apartment in the big city we had some adjusting to do. On many fronts.
Not only did I need to get over the fact that I wouldn't need to plan for the extra 20 minutes in the grocery store for a last minute milk run because we didn't know a single soul here (let alone every other soul related to that soul). We also had to get used to the idea that we did have to plan for the extra twenty minutes it would take to drive a block in a half through traffic during rush hour.
Something else we had to 'come to terms with' was the fact that we no longer had a convenient fenced in yard to house and employ our dog duties. This meant a minimum of three trips a day down 7 flights in an annoying old elevator that moved at the matched snail pace of 95% those who used it.
I remember a couple of weeks into newly established daily doggie outing schedule (which by the way, we never ever had before) thinking 'Oh my goodness. 3 walks a day times 365 days a year for at least 2 years equals 2190 (ok so I didn't exactly do that math in my head but you get the idea) walks while we live here! How am I ever going to do this?!'
It overwhelmed me to think about the fact that I would have to pick up their poop that many times before ever getting the luxury of just opening up the back door and letting them run freely to a tree or spot of their choosing (in the dark cold morning might I add). I know it sounds silly but this tidbit of reality gave me a bit of panic.
Would I be able to pull myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to do this? What about in the winter time when the snow is above their little heads and there's no where to scamper to ... you know, move things along? What about when one of them came down with the dreaded doggie poo flu? Yikes how would I deal with that in the middle of the night seven stories up?
Well two years later I have learned that you do what you need to do in situations you just have no choice about.
It only took a few months before I completely forgot about the looming 2190 poop pick ups that would have to be done (which is good considering that number will likely turn out to be closer to 3285). We got into a new rhythm in our lives and all of the 'fun' of no backyard became the norm at our place (along with the 75 layers of ridiculously mismatched winter wear that rears it's ugly head late every fall).
My silent hopes that our dogs would be flu free while living closer to the sky have been dashed, more than once. I have found myself outside of our building at 3am in my pjs trying to encourage a sick dog to get everything cleared out before returning to fits of vomiting ... or worse inside.
Through it all I have wished on more than one occasion that we didn't have carpeting everywhere and have definitely dreaded the elevator wait in times of desperate need (doggie bladder infections aren't cool, nor are plugged anal glands - gotta hate when that happens). But I have learned it can be done. Necessity is indeed the mother of invention.
I'm not exactly sure when I stopped counting the poop bags. Maybe when I accepted that this was our reality for now and the only other choice would be to get rid of these furry little creatures, which for us wasn't (and isn't) an option.
Sometimes not having choices is the best thing for us.
Why do I bring this little story up?
Yesterday was my first workout alone and with the realization that's how it would be for ... ever.
My immediate thoughts while I was in the middle of my rather intense self torture went to wondering how many more times I would have to do this before it was over. Unfortunately the answer didn't bring relief.
I remember when I first started doing cardio twice a week, as prescribed by Dee, and sitting on the bike (which by the way I abhorred and think I may still when I put it at a workout level) thinking 'Oh my goodness, I'm going to have to do this forever! I hate this. *pant pant* How am I ever going to get through it? I hate this. *pant pant* How am I not going to quit? I hate this. *pant pant* What if it doesn't make me lose weight? (Clearly I cared deeply about my health then). I hate this. *pant pant* How many more times do I have to do this? I hate this. *pant pant*'
I won't lie, I still have days when I wonder if I'll be able to stick with it and wish it wasn't a part of taking care of the health I've been blessed with. Overall though I look forward to getting my heart pumping (even though I still hate the bike I force myself to do it because it makes me work hard and sweat lots). In fact after doing weight training I look forward to mindless stuff like cardo on a machine and oddly now consider it the dessert after a healthy meal (sick I know).
My hope is that I will soon forget thinking about how many more I have to go and begin to crave it as a necessary part of feeling good.
The one thing that has kept me in the gym through moments of wanting to absolutely give up and never return has been neglecting the worry of 'next time' and focusing on just getting through 'this time'. I can't tell you how many times this strategy has helped me succeed through a tough time.
I've mentioned this before but in the past I've approached diet and exercise as 'all or nothings'. I had to do something perfectly or I would give up. This time around I have been able to approach things more in the moment and it's been an awesome discovery.
People often joke that if you knew what was going to happen in the future you'd never get out of bed to face it because you'd be worried and scared all of the time. But life does happen when we least expect it and challenges come our way that we overcome or at least learn how to live with (often not without a good scrappy fight along the way). We get bumped and bruised, and don't always feel so hot about what we have to do and often resent the fact that we have to do it. In the end though most of us do it. We survive and some of us even thrive through it.
Some of us eventually stop counting the poop bags and just look forward to the walk.
I want to look forward to the walk and enjoy the one I'm already on.
It's ok to sit down once in a while and rest, that's what benches are for. As long as we eventually get back up and keep walking, right?
A little over 2 years ago when Wally and I moved from our cute little house with our quaint little yard from our quiet little town with our two adorable little dogs to our little apartment in the big city we had some adjusting to do. On many fronts.
Not only did I need to get over the fact that I wouldn't need to plan for the extra 20 minutes in the grocery store for a last minute milk run because we didn't know a single soul here (let alone every other soul related to that soul). We also had to get used to the idea that we did have to plan for the extra twenty minutes it would take to drive a block in a half through traffic during rush hour.
Something else we had to 'come to terms with' was the fact that we no longer had a convenient fenced in yard to house and employ our dog duties. This meant a minimum of three trips a day down 7 flights in an annoying old elevator that moved at the matched snail pace of 95% those who used it.
I remember a couple of weeks into newly established daily doggie outing schedule (which by the way, we never ever had before) thinking 'Oh my goodness. 3 walks a day times 365 days a year for at least 2 years equals 2190 (ok so I didn't exactly do that math in my head but you get the idea) walks while we live here! How am I ever going to do this?!'
It overwhelmed me to think about the fact that I would have to pick up their poop that many times before ever getting the luxury of just opening up the back door and letting them run freely to a tree or spot of their choosing (in the dark cold morning might I add). I know it sounds silly but this tidbit of reality gave me a bit of panic.
Would I be able to pull myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to do this? What about in the winter time when the snow is above their little heads and there's no where to scamper to ... you know, move things along? What about when one of them came down with the dreaded doggie poo flu? Yikes how would I deal with that in the middle of the night seven stories up?
Well two years later I have learned that you do what you need to do in situations you just have no choice about.
It only took a few months before I completely forgot about the looming 2190 poop pick ups that would have to be done (which is good considering that number will likely turn out to be closer to 3285). We got into a new rhythm in our lives and all of the 'fun' of no backyard became the norm at our place (along with the 75 layers of ridiculously mismatched winter wear that rears it's ugly head late every fall).
My silent hopes that our dogs would be flu free while living closer to the sky have been dashed, more than once. I have found myself outside of our building at 3am in my pjs trying to encourage a sick dog to get everything cleared out before returning to fits of vomiting ... or worse inside.
Through it all I have wished on more than one occasion that we didn't have carpeting everywhere and have definitely dreaded the elevator wait in times of desperate need (doggie bladder infections aren't cool, nor are plugged anal glands - gotta hate when that happens). But I have learned it can be done. Necessity is indeed the mother of invention.
I'm not exactly sure when I stopped counting the poop bags. Maybe when I accepted that this was our reality for now and the only other choice would be to get rid of these furry little creatures, which for us wasn't (and isn't) an option.
Sometimes not having choices is the best thing for us.
Why do I bring this little story up?
Yesterday was my first workout alone and with the realization that's how it would be for ... ever.
My immediate thoughts while I was in the middle of my rather intense self torture went to wondering how many more times I would have to do this before it was over. Unfortunately the answer didn't bring relief.
I remember when I first started doing cardio twice a week, as prescribed by Dee, and sitting on the bike (which by the way I abhorred and think I may still when I put it at a workout level) thinking 'Oh my goodness, I'm going to have to do this forever! I hate this. *pant pant* How am I ever going to get through it? I hate this. *pant pant* How am I not going to quit? I hate this. *pant pant* What if it doesn't make me lose weight? (Clearly I cared deeply about my health then). I hate this. *pant pant* How many more times do I have to do this? I hate this. *pant pant*'
I won't lie, I still have days when I wonder if I'll be able to stick with it and wish it wasn't a part of taking care of the health I've been blessed with. Overall though I look forward to getting my heart pumping (even though I still hate the bike I force myself to do it because it makes me work hard and sweat lots). In fact after doing weight training I look forward to mindless stuff like cardo on a machine and oddly now consider it the dessert after a healthy meal (sick I know).
My hope is that I will soon forget thinking about how many more I have to go and begin to crave it as a necessary part of feeling good.
The one thing that has kept me in the gym through moments of wanting to absolutely give up and never return has been neglecting the worry of 'next time' and focusing on just getting through 'this time'. I can't tell you how many times this strategy has helped me succeed through a tough time.
I've mentioned this before but in the past I've approached diet and exercise as 'all or nothings'. I had to do something perfectly or I would give up. This time around I have been able to approach things more in the moment and it's been an awesome discovery.
People often joke that if you knew what was going to happen in the future you'd never get out of bed to face it because you'd be worried and scared all of the time. But life does happen when we least expect it and challenges come our way that we overcome or at least learn how to live with (often not without a good scrappy fight along the way). We get bumped and bruised, and don't always feel so hot about what we have to do and often resent the fact that we have to do it. In the end though most of us do it. We survive and some of us even thrive through it.
Some of us eventually stop counting the poop bags and just look forward to the walk.
I want to look forward to the walk and enjoy the one I'm already on.
It's ok to sit down once in a while and rest, that's what benches are for. As long as we eventually get back up and keep walking, right?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Buzz, buzz, buzz
I'm not sure why my itch to write as of late has been non existent but it has and I won't lie, it kind of concerns me. For quite a while I thought 'I could totally do this for a living' but as the past couple of months have flown by with little thought or urge to do so I wonder if the satisfaction of it was only temporary and yet another one of my 'phases'. If so, it saddens me, as I gain so much relief and satisfaction from it.
There is part of me that wonders if it's the imbalance I've been feeling as of late is the real cause.
I really feel like a broken record harping on and on about not being even keel so much with work and personal life, this time I think the imbalance lies in a different area of my life...
I am the type of person who is not particularly a fan of confrontation. However in light of the breakdown of what I would consider to be a very important relationship in my life over the past 6 months (I can't believe it's been that long! I now understand how time escapes people who are involved in a disagreement and they end up losing 25 years to resentment and hurt before they realize it), I will say I am an even less of a fan of watching conflict idling without confronting the cause.
Unfortunately I feel that there has been a breakdown to some degree in both my personal life and professional life that I have struggled greatly to address.
In my relationship personally I have done all that I can do (aside from excusing the hurt I experienced and behaviour shown to me) to try and fix it. I know that the expectation of many of those around me has been to once again let go of the internal injury and move on. To be honest I want to be able to do that, and in I way I think I have. However the memory of what keeps happening, the established pattern, haunts me and has caused me to be shy of re-entering that pattern. Not to mention there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can seem to do right in this person's eyes so I'm at the point I don't want to try anymore. However, as I mentioned earlier, I cannot stand the discord or 'unkept' relationship, especially when I know there is great potential for things to be so much better than they are.
In this case I clearly have a choice to make, I just don't know what that is.
The part of me of me that clings to peace and fullness desires nothing but to let go and move on. Yet an equal part of me, that has received constant criticism about everything I say and do and so much of who I am, is aching for a break from the 'air' of judgment that never seems to end. I just want to be shielded from it.
Many people have told me story after story of their experiences and have stated that leaving such a situation would be better and easier on all fronts. As I sit in the position I'm in right now I can't help but want to do this so very badly, just leave, walk out and never look back. However doing so would affect the most important relationship that I have and I don't want to do that (even though at this point it's all I can do to NOT do this).
It's times like this that I want the lessons of the fragility and incredible giftedness that is life to get lost. I want to forget that I am doing my damnedest to live life to it's fullness without regret or misgiving in my relationships. Whenever I get into a situation as this I always use life and death as a baseline for my decisions. I actually tried this very early on when trying to bring the situation to a close but it wasn't received as anything worth giving a second glance at. It's usually then that I figure if someone can't see how important it is to give and receive forgiveness when reminded of this, it is my hint to move on and not give anymore of myself (here I am assuming myself is worth the time of day).
For some reason this little test has failed and I still find myself wondering what to do. The memory of potential death looms in my head and I want all to be at peace. (Sounds morbid I know, but I think it's important to do our best to be at our best as much as we can with those that are significant in our lives).
That's my personal dilemma.
Then there's my work dilemma ... which really could be described very much alike.
Where I work there seems to have developed a breakdown between the relationship of staff and management, not unheard of for any workplace. In fact most people would not see a workplace as healthy unless this breakdown (or 'respect'/fear) existed.
I have always been under the impression that the agency I work for is different. And though I've seen otherwise over the past several months I believe it is different, in a good way. I just wonder if recent rapid growth has changed things rather quickly and the first thing to go was the affection between staff and management. And unfortunately along with staff and their jobs. That's just my best guess.
You may be wondering what my dilemma is here. I mean what really can someone who is still in their infancy of a new career do in an agency that has spanned over her lifetime right? Well inside I know a lot. Once again my incessant need for peace, fullness and life override everyone's logic (even my own) and challenge me to find resolution. Yet I still ask myself 'Who am I in a group of 120 other people?' Well, I am one big fat annoying voice. Come on, we all know how annoying a buzzing little fly can be whether you are in a small room or large. All you really want to do is kill the annoying little bastard.
Maybe that's my fear, that I'll get the boot. However, if I'm not fulfilled, along with dozens of other people who used to LOVE their jobs and where they worked, then what really is the loss?
I've tried to feel out the crowd and see if it was just me and my 'weaknesses' that kept me from satisfaction but quickly learned that the only thing holding people back form doing anything was fear. I've heard over and over that people fear being looked at as a 'black sheep' and worry that they will establish a bad reputation and get the ramifications of it later.
Something I hate about myself: though I am often fearful, it rarely stops me from doing what I know is best. This does not make me a hero, this pushes me to points of frustration that are beyond sanity and I hate it. Yet I feel as though I have no choice.
When I think about it, I kind of wonder if balance isn't the issue I am struggling with here but just the frustration of responsibility of who I am (not that I'm all that special, I just mean we all are put here to do something and have a responsibility to do it).
I can't tell you how many times in the past few months I have wanted to speak on behalf of my burned out, misused and fearful co workers. Most of whom are not my friends, just fellow humans whom have yet to discover their voice, or moreover are scared to death to use it.
It's funny, in school we were actually taught how to advocate for those we support but never for ourselves. As I think more and more about the stress levels and discontent of my co workers I am realizing this cannot NOT affect those we support. Reminding me right now how important it is to speak up.
*taking a breath*
Well, after getting this out I think I have solved at least one of my conundrums. The first one I still have no clue about. The second is easy: I have to speak for those who don't have a voice, whether I'm only heard as the annoying fly or not.
It's funny how we spend so much time trying to get a job done yet we are totally missing the point of what we are actually aiming to complete. In my field we spend our entire day trying to understand someone's method of communication and then doing our best to give what is needed. How odd that we try and do this for others yet have no clue how to do it for ourselves.
It's time to learn.
Buzz, buzz, buzz!!!
There is part of me that wonders if it's the imbalance I've been feeling as of late is the real cause.
I really feel like a broken record harping on and on about not being even keel so much with work and personal life, this time I think the imbalance lies in a different area of my life...
I am the type of person who is not particularly a fan of confrontation. However in light of the breakdown of what I would consider to be a very important relationship in my life over the past 6 months (I can't believe it's been that long! I now understand how time escapes people who are involved in a disagreement and they end up losing 25 years to resentment and hurt before they realize it), I will say I am an even less of a fan of watching conflict idling without confronting the cause.
Unfortunately I feel that there has been a breakdown to some degree in both my personal life and professional life that I have struggled greatly to address.
In my relationship personally I have done all that I can do (aside from excusing the hurt I experienced and behaviour shown to me) to try and fix it. I know that the expectation of many of those around me has been to once again let go of the internal injury and move on. To be honest I want to be able to do that, and in I way I think I have. However the memory of what keeps happening, the established pattern, haunts me and has caused me to be shy of re-entering that pattern. Not to mention there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can seem to do right in this person's eyes so I'm at the point I don't want to try anymore. However, as I mentioned earlier, I cannot stand the discord or 'unkept' relationship, especially when I know there is great potential for things to be so much better than they are.
In this case I clearly have a choice to make, I just don't know what that is.
The part of me of me that clings to peace and fullness desires nothing but to let go and move on. Yet an equal part of me, that has received constant criticism about everything I say and do and so much of who I am, is aching for a break from the 'air' of judgment that never seems to end. I just want to be shielded from it.
Many people have told me story after story of their experiences and have stated that leaving such a situation would be better and easier on all fronts. As I sit in the position I'm in right now I can't help but want to do this so very badly, just leave, walk out and never look back. However doing so would affect the most important relationship that I have and I don't want to do that (even though at this point it's all I can do to NOT do this).
It's times like this that I want the lessons of the fragility and incredible giftedness that is life to get lost. I want to forget that I am doing my damnedest to live life to it's fullness without regret or misgiving in my relationships. Whenever I get into a situation as this I always use life and death as a baseline for my decisions. I actually tried this very early on when trying to bring the situation to a close but it wasn't received as anything worth giving a second glance at. It's usually then that I figure if someone can't see how important it is to give and receive forgiveness when reminded of this, it is my hint to move on and not give anymore of myself (here I am assuming myself is worth the time of day).
For some reason this little test has failed and I still find myself wondering what to do. The memory of potential death looms in my head and I want all to be at peace. (Sounds morbid I know, but I think it's important to do our best to be at our best as much as we can with those that are significant in our lives).
That's my personal dilemma.
Then there's my work dilemma ... which really could be described very much alike.
Where I work there seems to have developed a breakdown between the relationship of staff and management, not unheard of for any workplace. In fact most people would not see a workplace as healthy unless this breakdown (or 'respect'/fear) existed.
I have always been under the impression that the agency I work for is different. And though I've seen otherwise over the past several months I believe it is different, in a good way. I just wonder if recent rapid growth has changed things rather quickly and the first thing to go was the affection between staff and management. And unfortunately along with staff and their jobs. That's just my best guess.
You may be wondering what my dilemma is here. I mean what really can someone who is still in their infancy of a new career do in an agency that has spanned over her lifetime right? Well inside I know a lot. Once again my incessant need for peace, fullness and life override everyone's logic (even my own) and challenge me to find resolution. Yet I still ask myself 'Who am I in a group of 120 other people?' Well, I am one big fat annoying voice. Come on, we all know how annoying a buzzing little fly can be whether you are in a small room or large. All you really want to do is kill the annoying little bastard.
Maybe that's my fear, that I'll get the boot. However, if I'm not fulfilled, along with dozens of other people who used to LOVE their jobs and where they worked, then what really is the loss?
I've tried to feel out the crowd and see if it was just me and my 'weaknesses' that kept me from satisfaction but quickly learned that the only thing holding people back form doing anything was fear. I've heard over and over that people fear being looked at as a 'black sheep' and worry that they will establish a bad reputation and get the ramifications of it later.
Something I hate about myself: though I am often fearful, it rarely stops me from doing what I know is best. This does not make me a hero, this pushes me to points of frustration that are beyond sanity and I hate it. Yet I feel as though I have no choice.
When I think about it, I kind of wonder if balance isn't the issue I am struggling with here but just the frustration of responsibility of who I am (not that I'm all that special, I just mean we all are put here to do something and have a responsibility to do it).
I can't tell you how many times in the past few months I have wanted to speak on behalf of my burned out, misused and fearful co workers. Most of whom are not my friends, just fellow humans whom have yet to discover their voice, or moreover are scared to death to use it.
It's funny, in school we were actually taught how to advocate for those we support but never for ourselves. As I think more and more about the stress levels and discontent of my co workers I am realizing this cannot NOT affect those we support. Reminding me right now how important it is to speak up.
*taking a breath*
Well, after getting this out I think I have solved at least one of my conundrums. The first one I still have no clue about. The second is easy: I have to speak for those who don't have a voice, whether I'm only heard as the annoying fly or not.
It's funny how we spend so much time trying to get a job done yet we are totally missing the point of what we are actually aiming to complete. In my field we spend our entire day trying to understand someone's method of communication and then doing our best to give what is needed. How odd that we try and do this for others yet have no clue how to do it for ourselves.
It's time to learn.
Buzz, buzz, buzz!!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
.....
I have thoughts.
What's new?
My new thoughts.
I hope to share them soon.
So I won't forget, the topic is: selfishness.
So there.
I miss writing. And thinking. And ... well ... other stuff.
I'm feeling a wee bit sad right now. I'll get over it. There are bigger crisis' in the world.
Hopefully I can write soon.
Ciao.
If you have a minute (which is unlikely) share something that will make me smile. You know, if you have a minute :)
I just need a little one.
In the mean time
What's new?
My new thoughts.
I hope to share them soon.
So I won't forget, the topic is: selfishness.
So there.
I miss writing. And thinking. And ... well ... other stuff.
I'm feeling a wee bit sad right now. I'll get over it. There are bigger crisis' in the world.
Hopefully I can write soon.
Ciao.
If you have a minute (which is unlikely) share something that will make me smile. You know, if you have a minute :)
I just need a little one.
In the mean time
Friday, September 10, 2010
Graduation #2
Ok so it's 2:40am and though I complained non stop yesterday of feeling one long wink away from a nap, I am awake and kicking right now thinking only of one thing (well, actually two): Dee and my graduation day.
Yes, yesterday I graduated. At least that's what it felt like to me.
I was nervous before my last of 52 sessions over the past 6 months came to a close. I wondered what my final day would feel like. Would it be harder than usual or the same? Would I burst into tears at the end and cry at Dee's feet and plead him not to let me go? Would I joyously throw him a high five and skip out of that gym with glee? (I almost typed that word with a capital - ha ha!!) What would happen?
As I met the hour with great anticipation I soon learned my fate...
For the most part it was the same intense workout as usual, except the part where I talked Dee's ear off with questions, and for some reason only had a few pokes at his ego to give.
Part of me was scared to speak much so I didn't, as in the previous few sessions, nearly cry during some hard sets just at the thought of trying to go at this huge task on my own. I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I'd been at this for 6 months, and despite hearing him tell me that my results were incredible and that he was full of pride at my life changing attitude, was yet convinced.
Instead I had guilt feelings over the fact that I hadn't achieved my lifelong goal .... yet. I scolded myself for not taking advantage every second of my life of the fact that I had the opportunity that was Dee to shed all of the challenge that has haunted me most of my days. I really used to (I'm trying to change) think that if I didn't achieve perfect fitness in 3-6 months I was a failure. I know in my head that's not true but winning the fight in my heart is a different story.
Of course there is the fact that I have built a friendship with an unlikely subject that has played with my emotions as well. I can't say that I ever thought I would share my deepest insecurities and struggles with a buff, wrestler type, well ... ever.
So instead of risking the spillage of my tears I decided to guard my mouth (for once) and stay relatively quiet (I didn't want to go too wild and be silent).
I later got a text from Dee asking about my less chatty nature. I had to share with him that I was just processing in my head what this day meant.
During our time together yesterday he assured me once again he would be there for me for anything I needed which is reassuring but not the same as going at it without him. At the end he said 'Ok come over here and give me a hug' to which I replied 'Are you serious?' and gave him a 'Do I have?' look.
Of course rarely does one yet to be muscle filled win against one of the opposite stature when something is up for debate. I got off my butt and shared an embrace that was surprisingly real. He spoke into my ear one last time 'I'm so proud of you darling, you've done great.' (Don't be alarmed, he uses darling here in there when he can get away with it).
In that moment I used every bit of strength to not cry, as we were in the main part of the gym right in front of the entrance doors and counter where people sit to have their overpriced smoothies at the end of their workouts. He had clarified with me at the beginning of the workout 'You're not going to cry today are you?' To which I curtly said 'Of course not'. I had to hold up my not so confident declaration.
But it was difficult. My voice broke and I just did my best to hold in the tears that would soon follow and the bright red nose that would make it's debut at any time.
I was slightly thankful that I didn't have time for cardio that day because once I got to my car my throat burned and my nose went aflame. It was now ... over. No more Dee. Or at least no more Dee as a trainer.
I waited briefly for my tears to blur my vision and my throat to feel relief from all the emotion with a good cry, but it never came. I'm not sure why, I was indeed grieving the loss of my trainer and one of my biggest encouragers, but something held me back.
I'm not sure if it was the fact that deep down I know that I'm ready to be on my own, or that I have confidence that Dee will keep up his end of the bargain and keep his promise to remain friends (which apparently includes an invite to his wedding, a shopping trip to give me help with my clear lack of fashion, or the promised bikini beach trip he plans to take me on next summer to show off my achieved body - which for clarification has yet to be achieved). Whatever it was, it held me back from releasing all of my mixed emotions and kept reminding me that this whole journey had indeed just begun, and that this was just the next logical step in me achieving my greater goal.
I was a bit irritated at my inward wisdom. I mean I just wanted to feel sad and scared, and get it all out of my system, but my system didn't agree with my desire and forced me to keep it together.
As I tossed and turned even just an hour or so ago I couldn't help but notice the literal pain my butt was feeling from my workout yesterday and think of Dee (this statement really is hilarious right now) and all that lies ahead.
I have learned to welcome (a certain amount) of physical pain that comes after some of my workouts. It is a reminder to me that I am reshaping and rebuilding my body into something strong, beautiful and healthy for myself.
I have yet to welcome the pain that develops in my heart following the departure of yet another person who has entered and will soon exit from a certain role in my life.
One thing I noticed a lot since moving to the city and starting over is how many people I have become deeply connected with whom I later learn only have a brief part to play in my life. Life back home was so far from this. You would know who you knew from childhood until death pretty much and the characters in your play (or life) were much more there out of necessity than choice. which overall seems more appealing than having a monologue of a life.
I just recently said to Wally after the news that one of our former 'Monday night gang' shared with us they got a job an hour and half away, how much I've noticed the departure of so many that had become so dear to us through out our short time here. The change is constant yet still powerful enough to leave a dull ache in your soul.
At first I want to cry (and often do) and plead (and I often do) for the person to stay. I cling to that relationship and try my darndest to keep it what it was. As I get used to this common theme of relationship change in our lives here, I am learning to let go of certain relationships easier and embrace the new ones that may develop as a result.
This doesn't mean necessarily not being friends (or it may), it just means allowing for growth for myself to be ok with how things will change. That may mean more traveling, a change in the role that person plays (perhaps a stronger role or a lighter one), or it may mean it's time to let them go. The good news is things generally happen gradually and over time without you realizing it.
In Dee's case I will miss our banter, his pushing, the sexually inappropriate humour I am only really able to make around him. But after pondering over the past couple of weeks thinking of this up coming change I am reassured by the fact that the ache in my heart is a growth ache. One much like my muscle ache, that will strengthen my spirit and build it into a beautiful (hopefully) thing. Overall I must focus on the positive side of things and be reminded of the fact that I have connected with another person (even if only for a time), I have learned so much about myself and changed a ton in the process, I have sparked a new passion inside of myself and hold onto the belief that I will achieve what I have always seen as 'the impossible' in the past.
At this point I know that if I held onto Dee as my trainer for longer I'd be ruining my chance to continue to learn and grow on my own and achieve only what I can achieve (at this point in my journey) on my own. Knowing this gives me strength and allowance to embrace these changes.
There is so much ahead for me and I look forward to seeing what happens ...
However right now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give myself a few moments to feel the pain of this healthy step forward.
(My throat hurts).
Yes, yesterday I graduated. At least that's what it felt like to me.
I was nervous before my last of 52 sessions over the past 6 months came to a close. I wondered what my final day would feel like. Would it be harder than usual or the same? Would I burst into tears at the end and cry at Dee's feet and plead him not to let me go? Would I joyously throw him a high five and skip out of that gym with glee? (I almost typed that word with a capital - ha ha!!) What would happen?
As I met the hour with great anticipation I soon learned my fate...
For the most part it was the same intense workout as usual, except the part where I talked Dee's ear off with questions, and for some reason only had a few pokes at his ego to give.
Part of me was scared to speak much so I didn't, as in the previous few sessions, nearly cry during some hard sets just at the thought of trying to go at this huge task on my own. I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I'd been at this for 6 months, and despite hearing him tell me that my results were incredible and that he was full of pride at my life changing attitude, was yet convinced.
Instead I had guilt feelings over the fact that I hadn't achieved my lifelong goal .... yet. I scolded myself for not taking advantage every second of my life of the fact that I had the opportunity that was Dee to shed all of the challenge that has haunted me most of my days. I really used to (I'm trying to change) think that if I didn't achieve perfect fitness in 3-6 months I was a failure. I know in my head that's not true but winning the fight in my heart is a different story.
Of course there is the fact that I have built a friendship with an unlikely subject that has played with my emotions as well. I can't say that I ever thought I would share my deepest insecurities and struggles with a buff, wrestler type, well ... ever.
So instead of risking the spillage of my tears I decided to guard my mouth (for once) and stay relatively quiet (I didn't want to go too wild and be silent).
I later got a text from Dee asking about my less chatty nature. I had to share with him that I was just processing in my head what this day meant.
During our time together yesterday he assured me once again he would be there for me for anything I needed which is reassuring but not the same as going at it without him. At the end he said 'Ok come over here and give me a hug' to which I replied 'Are you serious?' and gave him a 'Do I have?' look.
Of course rarely does one yet to be muscle filled win against one of the opposite stature when something is up for debate. I got off my butt and shared an embrace that was surprisingly real. He spoke into my ear one last time 'I'm so proud of you darling, you've done great.' (Don't be alarmed, he uses darling here in there when he can get away with it).
In that moment I used every bit of strength to not cry, as we were in the main part of the gym right in front of the entrance doors and counter where people sit to have their overpriced smoothies at the end of their workouts. He had clarified with me at the beginning of the workout 'You're not going to cry today are you?' To which I curtly said 'Of course not'. I had to hold up my not so confident declaration.
But it was difficult. My voice broke and I just did my best to hold in the tears that would soon follow and the bright red nose that would make it's debut at any time.
I was slightly thankful that I didn't have time for cardio that day because once I got to my car my throat burned and my nose went aflame. It was now ... over. No more Dee. Or at least no more Dee as a trainer.
I waited briefly for my tears to blur my vision and my throat to feel relief from all the emotion with a good cry, but it never came. I'm not sure why, I was indeed grieving the loss of my trainer and one of my biggest encouragers, but something held me back.
I'm not sure if it was the fact that deep down I know that I'm ready to be on my own, or that I have confidence that Dee will keep up his end of the bargain and keep his promise to remain friends (which apparently includes an invite to his wedding, a shopping trip to give me help with my clear lack of fashion, or the promised bikini beach trip he plans to take me on next summer to show off my achieved body - which for clarification has yet to be achieved). Whatever it was, it held me back from releasing all of my mixed emotions and kept reminding me that this whole journey had indeed just begun, and that this was just the next logical step in me achieving my greater goal.
I was a bit irritated at my inward wisdom. I mean I just wanted to feel sad and scared, and get it all out of my system, but my system didn't agree with my desire and forced me to keep it together.
As I tossed and turned even just an hour or so ago I couldn't help but notice the literal pain my butt was feeling from my workout yesterday and think of Dee (this statement really is hilarious right now) and all that lies ahead.
I have learned to welcome (a certain amount) of physical pain that comes after some of my workouts. It is a reminder to me that I am reshaping and rebuilding my body into something strong, beautiful and healthy for myself.
I have yet to welcome the pain that develops in my heart following the departure of yet another person who has entered and will soon exit from a certain role in my life.
One thing I noticed a lot since moving to the city and starting over is how many people I have become deeply connected with whom I later learn only have a brief part to play in my life. Life back home was so far from this. You would know who you knew from childhood until death pretty much and the characters in your play (or life) were much more there out of necessity than choice. which overall seems more appealing than having a monologue of a life.
I just recently said to Wally after the news that one of our former 'Monday night gang' shared with us they got a job an hour and half away, how much I've noticed the departure of so many that had become so dear to us through out our short time here. The change is constant yet still powerful enough to leave a dull ache in your soul.
At first I want to cry (and often do) and plead (and I often do) for the person to stay. I cling to that relationship and try my darndest to keep it what it was. As I get used to this common theme of relationship change in our lives here, I am learning to let go of certain relationships easier and embrace the new ones that may develop as a result.
This doesn't mean necessarily not being friends (or it may), it just means allowing for growth for myself to be ok with how things will change. That may mean more traveling, a change in the role that person plays (perhaps a stronger role or a lighter one), or it may mean it's time to let them go. The good news is things generally happen gradually and over time without you realizing it.
In Dee's case I will miss our banter, his pushing, the sexually inappropriate humour I am only really able to make around him. But after pondering over the past couple of weeks thinking of this up coming change I am reassured by the fact that the ache in my heart is a growth ache. One much like my muscle ache, that will strengthen my spirit and build it into a beautiful (hopefully) thing. Overall I must focus on the positive side of things and be reminded of the fact that I have connected with another person (even if only for a time), I have learned so much about myself and changed a ton in the process, I have sparked a new passion inside of myself and hold onto the belief that I will achieve what I have always seen as 'the impossible' in the past.
At this point I know that if I held onto Dee as my trainer for longer I'd be ruining my chance to continue to learn and grow on my own and achieve only what I can achieve (at this point in my journey) on my own. Knowing this gives me strength and allowance to embrace these changes.
There is so much ahead for me and I look forward to seeing what happens ...
However right now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give myself a few moments to feel the pain of this healthy step forward.
(My throat hurts).
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