Buzz, buzz, buzz

I'm not sure why my itch to write as of late has been non existent but it has and I won't lie, it kind of concerns me. For quite a while I thought 'I could totally do this for a living' but as the past couple of months have flown by with little thought or urge to do so I wonder if the satisfaction of it was only temporary and yet another one of my 'phases'. If so, it saddens me, as I gain so much relief and satisfaction from it.

There is part of me that wonders if it's the imbalance I've been feeling as of late is the real cause.

I really feel like a broken record harping on and on about not being even keel so much with work and personal life, this time I think the imbalance lies in a different area of my life...

I am the type of person who is not particularly a fan of confrontation. However in light of the breakdown of what I would consider to be a very important relationship in my life over the past 6 months (I can't believe it's been that long! I now understand how time escapes people who are involved in a disagreement and they end up losing 25 years to resentment and hurt before they realize it), I will say I am an even less of a fan of watching conflict idling without confronting the cause.

Unfortunately I feel that there has been a breakdown to some degree in both my personal life and professional life that I have struggled greatly to address.

In my relationship personally I have done all that I can do (aside from excusing the hurt I experienced and behaviour shown to me) to try and fix it. I know that the expectation of many of those around me has been to once again let go of the internal injury and move on. To be honest I want to be able to do that, and in I way I think I have. However the memory of what keeps happening, the established pattern, haunts me and has caused me to be shy of re-entering that pattern. Not to mention there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can seem to do right in this person's eyes so I'm at the point I don't want to try anymore. However, as I mentioned earlier, I cannot stand the discord or 'unkept' relationship, especially when I know there is great potential for things to be so much better than they are.

In this case I clearly have a choice to make, I just don't know what that is.

The part of me of me that clings to peace and fullness desires nothing but to let go and move on. Yet an equal part of me, that has received constant criticism about everything I say and do and so much of who I am, is aching for a break from the 'air' of judgment that never seems to end. I just want to be shielded from it.

Many people have told me story after story of their experiences and have stated that leaving such a situation would be better and easier on all fronts. As I sit in the position I'm in right now I can't help but want to do this so very badly, just leave, walk out and never look back. However doing so would affect the most important relationship that I have and I don't want to do that (even though at this point it's all I can do to NOT do this).

It's times like this that I want the lessons of the fragility and incredible giftedness that is life to get lost. I want to forget that I am doing my damnedest to live life to it's fullness without regret or misgiving in my relationships. Whenever I get into a situation as this I always use life and death as a baseline for my decisions. I actually tried this very early on when trying to bring the situation to a close but it wasn't received as anything worth giving a second glance at. It's usually then that I figure if someone can't see how important it is to give and receive forgiveness when reminded of this, it is my hint to move on and not give anymore of myself (here I am assuming myself is worth the time of day).

For some reason this little test has failed and I still find myself wondering what to do. The memory of potential death looms in my head and I want all to be at peace. (Sounds morbid I know, but I think it's important to do our best to be at our best as much as we can with those that are significant in our lives).

That's my personal dilemma.

Then there's my work dilemma ... which really could be described very much alike.

Where I work there seems to have developed a breakdown between the relationship of staff and management, not unheard of for any workplace. In fact most people would not see a workplace as healthy unless this breakdown (or 'respect'/fear) existed.

I have always been under the impression that the agency I work for is different. And though I've seen otherwise over the past several months I believe it is different, in a good way. I just wonder if recent rapid growth has changed things rather quickly and the first thing to go was the affection between staff and management. And unfortunately along with staff and their jobs. That's just my best guess.

You may be wondering what my dilemma is here. I mean what really can someone who is still in their infancy of a new career do in an agency that has spanned over her lifetime right? Well inside I know a lot. Once again my incessant need for peace, fullness and life override everyone's logic (even my own) and challenge me to find resolution. Yet I still ask myself 'Who am I in a group of 120 other people?' Well, I am one big fat annoying voice. Come on, we all know how annoying a buzzing little fly can be whether you are in a small room or large. All you really want to do is kill the annoying little bastard.

Maybe that's my fear, that I'll get the boot. However, if I'm not fulfilled, along with dozens of other people who used to LOVE their jobs and where they worked, then what really is the loss?

I've tried to feel out the crowd and see if it was just me and my 'weaknesses' that kept me from satisfaction but quickly learned that the only thing holding people back form doing anything was fear. I've heard over and over that people fear being looked at as a 'black sheep' and worry that they will establish a bad reputation and get the ramifications of it later.

Something I hate about myself: though I am often fearful, it rarely stops me from doing what I know is best. This does not make me a hero, this pushes me to points of frustration that are beyond sanity and I hate it. Yet I feel as though I have no choice.

When I think about it, I kind of wonder if balance isn't the issue I am struggling with here but just the frustration of responsibility of who I am (not that I'm all that special, I just mean we all are put here to do something and have a responsibility to do it).

I can't tell you how many times in the past few months I have wanted to speak on behalf of my burned out, misused and fearful co workers. Most of whom are not my friends, just fellow humans whom have yet to discover their voice, or moreover are scared to death to use it.

It's funny, in school we were actually taught how to advocate for those we support but never for ourselves. As I think more and more about the stress levels and discontent of my co workers I am realizing this cannot NOT affect those we support. Reminding me right now how important it is to speak up.

*taking a breath*

Well, after getting this out I think I have solved at least one of my conundrums. The first one I still have no clue about. The second is easy: I have to speak for those who don't have a voice, whether I'm only heard as the annoying fly or not.

It's funny how we spend so much time trying to get a job done yet we are totally missing the point of what we are actually aiming to complete. In my field we spend our entire day trying to understand someone's method of communication and then doing our best to give what is needed. How odd that we try and do this for others yet have no clue how to do it for ourselves.

It's time to learn.

Buzz, buzz, buzz!!!