Stressful Passion

Those two words don't seem to match very well but I'd say they are pretty accurate descriptions of what my husband is complaining I am lately.

He actually said to me the other day 'You're zest for life is stressing me out!'. I think he began to recognize it more when I proposed me working probably stresses him out. After he thought on it for a while he found the stress coming from somewhere else... oops.

Is it still passion if it's stressful or should it really have another description? Who knows? I have just really learned that my pursuit of balance got sorely lost somewhere on my trail blaze and my true believe system along with it.

A few months ago I sat ready to give up the monetary benefits of working full full-time and rest in the knowledge of the bigger, deeper benefits of living from peace and genuine choice about each action I make and how it will benefit those around me as well as myself.

I now feel just as caught up in life as I did before and as a result missing out on a feeling of satisfaction and presence that I long to have. It's easy for me to defend my current state and say 'Working 30 hrs a week doesn't really make a difference in my life - I'm the same as when I work 35 or 40'. But in reality I think I know the truth.

A truth that mocks and teases my ability to do a great job working full time at one job. The job I sold my house to go back to school to do. That fact is what keeps staring me in the face and making me question any thoughts of wisdom over doing what's expecting of me.

It's the comments from others, the self scrutiny, and all that trails behind that prevents me from feeling justified in doing what I know in my heart would benefit all and bring growth and truth.

I care too much about what others think.

I care too much about what I think.

Yet by doing so I am clearly NOT caring about what can make a huge difference. I am caring about the superficial, not what is real.

Hmmmm .... when I put it that way I am very embarrassed.

My whole pursuit in life is to be a real, honest person and to help others be the same way. Why is cutting a few hours of something that is clearly unhealthy for me so difficult?!

Today I don't have an answer but if you have one please share.

Passion for life is awesome and I'm glad I have a little spark but I fear that if I keep pairing it with the description of 'stress' it will be snuffed out while I'm not looking. That would simply be sad.

What would you do?