Pre-Worrying

So I'm REALLLLLLLLY good at this. If one could get paid for doing this well - I'd be right up there at the top making the big bucks.

Unfortunately 'pre-worrying' isn't really a positive quality to have. Pre-planning is, pre-worrying isn't.

My problem is that I get the two confused all of the time. Maybe I should figure out what the difference is ....

A few definitions on worrying (Taken from the Nelson Canadian Dictionary of the English Language - you know in case you all wanted me arrested for plagiarism) :

* To feel uneasy or concerned about something, to be troubled.

* To cause to feel anxious, distressed, or troubled

* Persistent mental uneasiness

* To proceed doggedly in the face of difficulty or hardship, to struggle

I feel wound up in a ball just reading these things.

Now what is planning?

* A scheme, program, or method worked out beforehand to accomplish an objective

* A tentative project or course of action

* To have a specific aim or purpose

Hmmmmm ... sounds much less stressful.

The first half of our marriage Wally and I (probably more I than Wally) had a plan. We did our best to make that plan come to fruition. I did my best not to wrestle with worry about the plan along the way. For the most part I am happy with how I handled the plan in regards to worrying.

All of the parts of my plan that I had control over I fulfilled, we fulfilled. Unfortunately the parts of the plan that relied on ... well I'm not sure who or what to blame ... let's say life, did not get fulfilled in anyway that fit into my plan.

In facing Life's decidedly different plan than my own, I/we had choices. We did our best to avoid worry and be realistic, thoughtful and smart about the options Life offered. I am happy to say that worry only crept into our lives temporarily and never to a point of affecting our decisions too much. This made living Life more fun and enjoyable.

Wally and I are now at another crossroads. We have begun the process of house hunting, something that over the past two years I have secretly dreaded (and not so secretly). I have enjoyed the freedom of renting and the little commitment to stay in one place. I have also enjoyed the financial freedom that does come with no signed monetary agreements past 'yes I'll pay the rent on time'. I have feared the idea of owning a home again, and I realize that it's not mandatory that we do. However it seem right for us in this moment and it's something I think that the I part of us almost needs to do.

In case you haven't noticed I love challenge. I love new things. I love new places. I love meeting new people. I love seeing development. I love growing.

My downfall is that I love all these things a lot and often.

I was on the phone with a College recruiter yesterday as I inquired about a possible course I may be interested in (more on that later). I hadn't realized that it was actually a Diploma and a year's worth of night school. She was asking me what I did for a living now and how long I'd been at it. I chuckled out loud and said 'I'm a DSW and have been working in the field for not quite 2 years'.

She paused and was obviously speechless. I recognized her hesitation. You get familiar with it from people when you are someone like me. It's somewhat embarrassing and sort of fun all at the same time. (I did clarify that I loved my job but not a fan of it in a full time context).

Anyways, I guess my point is that sometimes I get a little out of control with whipping around with new ideas all of the time. I want to see things happen yesterday and when I have to wait I nearly go crazy and either want to give up or, after a lot of fighting with myself) embrace the mental challenge that it is for me and continue to work on it baby step by baby step.

I guess this is one thing that my training and change in eating has really stretched me with. Your body does not change overnight and if you want to ever see or feel a change you HAVE to accept that baby steps is what will take you there.

I know that 'settling down' physically by grounding ourselves somewhere (for however long we feel called to be there) is a healthy step for me to take but definitely a challenging one on the worrying front for me.

You see, Wally and I hope to become parents within the next year or two, some way or another. And since our dramatic (for us) leap of faith in selling our home and moving to the city and going back to school, we have tried to view 'planning' for our lives differently. I have found with the thoughts of buying a house the urge to fall back into pre-planning our lives has come upon me. Something I now sort of despise as I see how great Life can be when you just take one day at a time, one challenge at time, and keep yourself open to what Life often has to offer.

You see when we get too heavily involved in pre-planning, it quickly becomes pre-worrying and then you stop really just living and seeing Life around you. How sad.

I don't want my mortgage to decide my life or how much faith I live with. I want my heart to do that. I want my heart to be full to the brim and overflowing with the excitement that comes with having a home to share, children to fill it, and the love for Life willing to not let physical things snuff out unseen dreams.

So as I wrestle over the idea that I may HAVE to work part time to make things work and wonder if our kids can handle a working mommy, if their working mommy can handle a working mommy, if I'll need to work for my own sanity, how I will accomplish my new dreams while having children, if I can handle children and a job, if I will have time to dream, if I will have energy to pursue my drams, or if I'm selfish for wanting all of it.

Whoa!!

Wait a second ....

I just realized something .... one step at a time.

*Breathe*

If I just live today and be my smartest, most thoughtful, loving Life me today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. That's all I need to do.

And ... I may just realize that my husband, my kids, my job, the things I challenge myself to do are all indeed a part of my dreams. And with them, I am Living.

One baby step at a time.

Baby steps.