I think I'm dying ...

So I'll be honest, most of the reason I'm posting tonight is to keep in the rhythm of writing. No helpful information guaranteed.

I'm very thankful to say that I was sent home from work tonight. Mostly because I was quite confident my death was fast approaching.

I'm guessing it's due to the lack of attention I paid to my body after my 5.5 mile training run yesterday.

Instead of being insidiously conscious of my water intake, food intake and such I decided I felt so good that I'd tackle paining the garage door and trim ... you know while I had the energy and since I'd been putting it off.

I believe that specific action has brought me to feeling the awful way I currently do.

My muscles are achy, not sore really, just achy. My head hurts, my GI tract has decided to make refrigerator sounds every couple of hours and threaten to act as a slip and slide for my ... bodily functions.

I was determined this morning to make the most of my morning off so I busily spent 3 hrs in the kitchen making 3 batches of different soups, hummus, dessert hummus, as well as hard boiling some eggs for lunches. All while neglecting to drink a thing. And most definitely not willing to eat anything that might awake the slip 'n slide gods.

After I was done int he kitchen I laid down as I felt much worse than when I woke up (which already wasn't so swell). I felt better again after a couple of hours.

I went to the cleaning job I do aside from my job and did alright for about an hour then once again I slowed down and felt the aches and yucks. It's good that I didn't eat anything though.

I almost cried a few times at the thought of doing my work shift which requires lifts of people and mental toughness of steal (ok there aren't many places I go that's not required).

When I got there one of the young ladies I'd contacted to see if she could do my shift was there, a glimmer of hope. Then I realized she was working somewhere else. I am so thankful to my co workers though for working out the shift for me to be able to go home ... after I went out to get the groceries.
I've never completed a task so efficiently in my life.

By the time I got home I was ready to drop, but I needed to get something for my tummy, something to eat that wouldn't temp the GI tract gods.

I convinced Wally to come with me and we went to the drug store for ginger ale and arrowroot cookies.

Of course it was before 7 pm and we were in the cookie aisle, and the best ones were on sale ... so ensued a battle.

Though the double stuffed Oreos were on sale, AND the chocolate chip, AND the Peanut Butter Pirate Cookies, AND I thought I was being completely reasonable to by pass them all and grab the ginger snap no names. You know to go with my arrowroot cookies ... since I had barely eaten allllllll day.

Well, if I had planned on a treat I should've planned on going by myself. Because that's when a serious tantrum started.

Wally pulled out all the stops saying 'You're sick! No cookies! That won't make you feel better! ONLY arrowroot cookies for you!!;

I proceeded to argue: 'But they're at least organic! They WILL make me feel better! I'll just get them by myself tomorrow!' Then I grabbed him with my head down on his shoulder and pleaded with some rather dramatic cries to let me get them.

He didn't.

We left.

I ate one sleeve of two in the box.

And drank lots of water.

My head still hurts but I'm sure sleep will help.

Hopefully I'm not actually dying.

Or I definitely would've bought the cookies.

ALL of them.

Thinkin' Instead of Drinkin'

Well, as long as you don't counted anything with the words 'salted caramel' in the title.

I have found that the gentle kick in the pants Wally gave me a couple days ago regarding my leaving all of my belongings all over the house (I mean where they aren't supposed to live) has helped me get into some sort of gear.

I have spent the weekend catching up on all of the laundry (I still hadn't done any vacation laundry which leaves the underwear situation to be desired - I wore clean ones but there weren't much to the ones I had left). I've also tidied up, unpacked, done a little sorting, half cleaned out the jungle that keeps regrowing in our yard, and finally painted the garage door and trim on the garage (that's been waiting since spring to be done). I've also got a bit more Christmas shopping done (YAY!)

This has definitely helped me to be able to enjoy the down time I've had without guilt or stress seeing and thinking of all the things I need to do.

While doing all of these things I've been able to take the time to really chew on the information we got last Wednesday at our first PRIDE class.

I've gone back and forth since our night of information overload about how exactly to approach sifting through the facts, our emotions, the future and how things may or may not actually turn out.

I've thought over and over about the idea of having our child(ren) for 3 years only to lose them. I thought about what life in legal limbo would be like, what bio parental visits might be like. What the adjustment period would be like compared to that of a strictly adoption parent.

I realized how much different 'fostering with a view' (to adopt) is than straight up adoption. Its' very different.

There's little to no finality for months to years.

There's the potential dealing with the family for a while.

There's the fact that technically no baby/kid showers should really be happening (I guess, I don't know the protocol for stuff like this).

There's the fear of bonding with the nagging worry that it's all for nothing.

I could go on .... and on.

Now before I sound like I'm trying my best to muster up support for one seriously happening pity party I'll stop and let you in on the products of all my thinking.

(I may need to think a minute on it as now I have seemed to have forgotten...)

Oh yes, I've got it.

Whether you get pregnant naturally, through invetro, a surrogate, or a planned adoption there are risks.

There are risks that your child could get sick, get into an accident, be hurt, be harmed, have physical, mental or emotional issues, or, God forbid, die.

No matter how someone becomes a parent any of those things could happen, any of them.

Sure maybe they don't have to worry about CAS reclaiming them but the outcome and effects on us (their new family) is the same.

It's loss, grief, disappointment, hurt, sadness, anger, feeling of life being unfair, feelings of no one understanding, and I could once again, go on and on.

As I've taken time to think on our situation and our thoughts on how to proceed (either continuing with fostering to adopt or straight adoption) I realize that no matter how you become a parent or for however long, you are at risk of all of these things. People think I will be at a higher risk but they are probably the ones who have perfectly healthy children that return love as planned and have yet to experience one of these losses (I'm not sure how it's possible for this to happen as surely at some point every parent feels at least one of these emotions).

The gentleman of the couple I had mentioned before that really encouraged us to just go ahead and do what we felt to do with the adoption and not give people's opinions much thought, encouraged me when I shared my overwhelming feelings this week.

He said 'It's just like when the doctor gives you a new prescription, he is legally obligated to give you the facts first to allow you to make the decision'.

Then I realized, MOST of the time when you are given the ugly facts they are the minority and initially they scare you out of your wits because who really wants hair to grow on their tongue or their toe nails to turn green? But it's better than having a worm growing in your guts right? (ok so I don't actually know the side effects for tape worm drugs ...)

As each day passes I'm trying my best to relax and take one tid bit of information at a time (even though they are feeding you feasts of it every Wednesday night).

I'm going to let go of what my dream family is because no one's family ends up the way they think and most times they wouldn't change a thing (well except during family holidays when people get opinionated and have to share a conversation with you know who and the alcohol needs to come out).

I'm going to try to focus on the idea of being a good parent rather than the baby showers (or whatever adopted kids get when they're not babies).

I always get annoyed when people get wrapped up in planning a fairytale wedding and forget that when they wake up the next day neither one of them look like the characters they played.

I think that perhaps I need to apply that perspective to this.

The magical moment new parents often share a few minutes after their babies safe arrival may not happen for us until months or even years later.

But I'm telling you, when it finally does, I'm going to savour every second of our newly born family.

Creating good habits

That's the key I've realized to becoming what you want.

I'm sure it's no shock to anyone that specifically I'm going to relate this to my lifestyle.

I think I've written a bit lately about how I have decided to commit to no longer trying to 'lose weight'.

And before anyone gets too tied in a knot this does NOT mean I now am allowing myself the freedom to embrace my addictions and just try to live with them and have to shop for new clothes every six months (bigger and bigger they get!).

Although in one way I suppose you could think of it as learning how to live with these things.

Lately I've been really trying to look at my struggles long term rather than 'I want to lose ten pounds in a month to get into those jeans' I am looking at it as 'What habits am I allowing myself to continue that keep me where I'm at in my addictions and unsatisfied with my lifestyle' (hence keeping my jeans too tight).

In doing this I am CONSTANTLY having to remind myself this is actually facing some of the real issues head on and it will take time to develop new habits that will last.

Last year when I made some serious changes and got some serious results I did so with a fairly determined and set mind. I also had my trainer around to keep after me and text when I was feeling weak. I made a lot of real changes that I kept consistently for I would guess at least four months. I believe it was a true change of heart and lifestyle.

Then changes in my environment happened and in our lives. Old habit reformed and I found myself living many of my old ways out again, though keeping many great habits I had developed.

I've heard it takes several consecutive days to form a habit and only 4 days to demolish it. I don't doubt this theory one bit.

I am so thankful that many of the convictions that grew in me last year have stayed and even developed though my emotional tendencies to rely on food have crept in.

Another thing I am so thankful for is my love for exercise. The idea of exercising to balance my bad food habits is completely gone. I NEVER ever think now 'I ate a chocolate bar I better workout tonight'. Rather I workout because I know the benefits it has for my body and I love the competition within myself to do better and feel strong.

This in itself is a true success (even if my 'skinny' jeans are snug). I am so grateful to have at least embraced the truth that your body size is predominantly determined by what you put in your mouth (yes exercise helps but it's only 10% of the equation).

As I've tried to slow down my mind and really accept that true change rarely happens overnight and is all encompassing at once (though I do believe it can happen with true decision) I've really taken time to think about what unhealthy habits I have redeveloped in the last 6-9 months.

Here's the ones I notice:

* eating at night (more often than not an emotional binge)
* Sugarfests at the bulk barn on the weekend
* having fries anytime we go out for fast food
* deciding that a batch of cookies (though 'clean') are an acceptable portion
* hot sugary drinks 2-3 times a week

It's kind of interesting as I still ONLY bake with whole foods and ingredients (YAY!!) but I have no problem eating mounds of chocolate!

I will say too that Wally and I pretty much only cook clean at home as well. The main habits we've returned to are surrounding our emotional eating and snacks outside the house.

One thing I am VERY proud of at the least, I have remained restaurant gravy free!!! I used to be a gravy on the fries addict when we went out!!! 15 months and counting!!! (Even though admittedly I have dreams to go to the Poutinerrie (sp?))

They say when pursuing to change a habit you should start with one that you feel VERY confident about. And if that's difficult to find to tweak it until you do feel confident about it.

Out of nowhere last week while on vacation I decided to make my goal NOT to eat at night after supper. Int eh 7 days I was gone I think only 2 of them did I eat a treat after dinner (while watching 'Heavy'). YAY!!!! Some may see that as complete failure but I say YAY!!! For me, on vacation, that's good stuff!!!

I've carried that as my goal currently to stop night time binging and I'm kind of surprised how challenging it's been to do while at home this week.

I got home from work Tuesday night around 8:40ish and out of habit wanted a snack. I wasn't hungry just used to the habit. I was strong.

Wednesday night we were at PRIDE where we had eaten before we went but the class was at 6pm and we didn't realize they feed you a light supper. I avoided the supper and had 2 mini chocolate bars (I cut myself some slack as I knew the 2 1/2 -3 hr rule and we'd be going to bed later). I skipped the buffet of food and cookies and stuck to my table and water. When we got home I was super emotional and wanted to ditch my plan so bad and Wally even gave me permission. I stuck to it.

Last night we ordered pizza (as the only habit that concerned me was no night time eating). I ate 1 slice too many which lead me to believe that justified just finished off another but by the time I decided that Wally had reminded me of my rule. It was 7:01pm. Grrrr. I also wanted chocolate but as we had none in the house and I was too lazy to go, no dice. I was completely full and just still wanting to eat, it made no sense at all and that's when I clearly saw how incredibly emotional my evening foodfests were.

Anyhoo, just thought I'd share my recent thoughts and happenings with the issue that follows me and admit my imperfections.

I often don't feel justified taking my PT (personal trainer) course because I continue my journey with developing long term healthy habits, but then I remind myself of a couple of things: I do have a genuine passion for fitness (perhaps I'm not a competitor but I LOVE challenging myself), my main focus is to motivate others to make real life changes, little by little and it's hard to be an example of that if I can't do it myself and am willing to show that you don't have to make some drastic overnight change to be a true success.

Though our size/clothes are measuring points of our success, they are not the only ones. You could live a perfect week and not lose weight or change in visual ways, perhaps is was your heart that changed and that is JUST as, if not more, important!!

I've gone on long enough. I never know if these 'food struggle' posts resonate with anyone but they help me work things out in my head!

Thanks :)

Top Ten

Not sure what's wrong with me posting twice in a couple of hours, maybe I want to return to my day on a lighter note. (Seriously I can't wait to go public with my blog).

I decided that each week on my new blog I would have a Top Ten List. Of whatever. I would even offer to post other people's Top Ten Lists sometimes.

I just love lists that much.

So in light of this I am going to do this weeks Top Ten List...

Top Ten Things I Wouldn't Feel Sad About If They Never Happened Again:

1. My Muslim neighbour with the biggest heart ever, stopped telling me to go to get fertility treatments or at least see a dr. so that we could have our own baby. Because, she states 'It's a bigger love that grows in your heart, it's different'.

I feel the same way, only about adoption.

2. People I barely know on a personal level stop asking me if I've gone through fertility testing and treatments.

What the Harv?! How is it possibly your business? I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me because we may be able to have children, it really doesn't matter to us!!

3. Me just dropping my stuff on the floor when I walk in the door and leaving it for an entire week.

4. My dog eating blue peppers I leave on the floor because of number 3.

5. Wally and I getting over tired and snapping at each other.

6. My dogs scratching through the night.

7. Me feeling overwhelmed.

8. My nose turning red

9. My sink smelling mouldy

10. Cleaning out kitty litter boxes (that's right I don't even own cats but I still end up doing this!)

'Don't make me go!!!!'

Those are the words I said to Wally this morning as he was getting ready for work and I was trying to hide in the comfort of our bed.

Now I'm saying them to the dogs as I blog trying to avoid running before trying to avoid going to where i don't want to go.

I feel much like I did a few months ago when we got back from Thailand only it's intensified.

I am beginning to feel conviction set in to replace a mere desire to shake up the job situation.

It's like knowing right and wrong and blatantly choosing wrong even though you still feel the prickles in your heart to do right.

I remember when Wally and I were first married and lived very much in a faith based way. I'm not talking religion, I really do mean faith.

He'd get a call from the organization he worked for and be told: 'Next pay will be half as your fundraising has been down. It'll stay that way until you get more financial support'.

Though in the initial moment we felt stress we had no choice but to give it up and trust the God we gave our marriage to.

I remember one day when I realized losing a cleaning client or a piano student meant I was looking forward to either the rest God was granting me or the new people I would get a call from to work for them.

Never once were we failed.

Not once.

We made every mortgage payment, every car payment, every bill we had.

Only one time did we not have money up front and that was that Christmas lesson we learned from a near stranger who offered to pay our bill interest free until we had money to settle up. And in many ways I think that was a good lesson to learn, to see.

Since then our lives have changed so much. Though I believe God is the one who has provided for us in every way, He has also taught us how to provide for ourselves in many ways.

Ultimately I know He's the giver but I also know that He's very much the excited parent that is wanting to show us how to do things ourselves. This whole practice opens up the idea of us having to think on our own a bit more. Decide more for ourselves with the tools he's given.

This can be much more challenging than just saying: 'God will figure it out'.

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that God can and often does step in and do this, but I also believe there are times He doesn't because He wants to see how we're going to manage things with what He's given us.

Right now I feel I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out what to do with the tools He's given me.

He's given me faith, intelligence, desire, creativity, trust, abilities, wisdom, and some great lessons learned.

Now ... what to do with them?

Perhaps I just need to ask Him. Wow, what a novel idea.

Maybe I'll do that. And maybe He'll show me.

You'll never know until you ask.

It's nearly home time ...

Yup, time to sit in the circle, hold hands and sing the good bye song. Although I'm pretty sure if I requested this K and M would look at me like I'd lost my mind.

Side note:

The other day I made a deal - though one sided- with K and said 'Does that sound like a plan Stan?'

To which he replied: 'I don't know who Stan is.'

This vacation has been full of good times that I am thankful for. LOTS of kid time. Lots of girlfriend time (which mostly consisted of eating while watching food shows about not eating). Naps. Reading. A little blogging. Lots of thinking about becoming a parent.

The latter came up hourly really as I worried often I would not be able to handle any toddler, let alone one that would be new to our family and have one of their own already. I've questioned over and over this week whether Wally and I are ready for all of the challenges an older child adoption may hold for us and starting our parenting journey at such an especially challenging age.

I just pray that we are given all of the tools we need to be who we need to be for this new little one and each other through out the rest of our lives.

Although I know we really ought to only be concerned with one day at a time.

In 3 days we start our parenting classes for our adoption requirements. Yikes!!!

I sensed something different the week before coming on this trip. An urgency to get things done. An extra busyness above the 'week before vacation' feeling I usually get.

I have a feeling that once the plan hits the landing strip my wheels will just be starting up. And I'm not sure when they will stop.

Joy and I were chatting about the fact that she couldn't believe that she's due in 9 weeks and that really wasn't all that much time.

I stared at her in shock and said: 'In 9 weeks we'll be done our adoption course and we could potentially be waiting'.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

I. Just. Can't. Believe. It.

Shakes, girl talk and more thinkin'

My visit in a land far, far away from home has been good. I think it's timing was perfect not only for my friend Joy who is only a couple of weeks from welcoming her husband home from his 7 month deployment but also for myself.

Spending my week with a pregnant woman who is mothering a 4 1/2 year old and nearly 3 year old is in many ways exactly what I need.

I've witnessed a gentle love and correction from a mother with a teaching spirit that not only wants her children to behave and be good but also wants them to know the 'whys' to these things.

I genuinely believe she deserves a metal and a vacation. I'm sure she disagrees.

I've also enjoyed nap time, evening girl talk and way, way too much yummy food.

Seriously pumpkin pie shakes before 11 am aren't generally on the agenda (at all), but I won't lie, it's been fun. (Is it weird that we ate chocolate chip cookies while watching a documentary about becoming vegan for the health of it?)

Tonight we did something that I've decided is a new tradition. We did it the first time I came to visit a few years ago. Mac's photo booth.

We laughed until we cried.

I'm pretty sure we're becoming old people as it only took a couple of pictures to make us cry. Probably by the time I visit next we'll need some Depends.

I've also continued to work on some thoughts around my new blog, read a book about writing, and finally pick up the adoption book I've been fearing for weeks. But I think I may have mentioned that.

I'm glad I still have 2 more full days before my return (although I'm missing Wally and my pooches like crazy ... yes Wally, you most). I still have some thinking to do, there's still food to be eaten and definitely a few memories to be made.

I am already dreading Tuesday and going back to work.

I'm hoping that starting my new blog and continuing with my course will be energizing for me. I guess we'll see what happens...

In the mean time I will snuggle up to the stuffed doggie I rummaged out of not quite 3 yr old M's stuffed animal collection and sleep tight.

(Sorry if this wasn't exciting, I'm just trying to get in the habit of writing everyday:)