I'm been waiting all morning to be able to sit down and blog before I rush off to work. Ahhhhh.....
So Yesterday was the day I decided to tackle working out at home for the first time. I wondered if I'd 'feel it', the workout I mean, or if being at home would host a lazy effort. Well, considering I'm feeling pain in every major muscle in my body I am happy to report the workout was a success! And though I am in some serious discomfort, I went to my old gym for one last cardio session before I get to use my treadmill at home. It felt great!
I am also easing back into my old eating (the good kind) and after two days already feel like ... I was going to say a million bucks but I'm gonna have to say maybe just a hundred thousand or maybe a half a million. Still waaaaay better than I was over the month of December.
I realized today that the changes I made were actually real and true. I actually love eating clean. I actually love sweating (well, only when it's on purpose) and I actually love pushing my muscles. And I love the effects even more.
I had been wondering if my goals of becoming a trainer (at least on paper) were silly, far fetched and delusional during my time away from working out. I thought maybe I was wanting to want to be a trainer. But after having a few different discussions pop up with various people I'd run into lately I am realizing I want to teach and motivate others that are in the place I was before I learned stuff (and still am at times).
I have such a hard time when people say stuff to me like 'Can you each such and such with your diet?' or 'I bet it's hard not being allowed to have this?' It frustrates me because though it is a 'way' of eating it has become (for the most part) my lifestyle and no longer (for the most part) a burden.
I was having this very talk lastnight with a co worker (whom, incidentally, I really like). We got onto the topic of weight training and I was hearing how she did things and this and that and I was practically writhing on the floor dying to share with her some simple things she could change to be more effective, however I knew I couldn't seeing as I'm still not in ideal shape AND who am I REALLY? No one. I have no papers saying I should know what I'm talking about. I have no proof that what I do works or that those that taught me were right or not. I mean everyone thinks they have the answers right?
This chat is among the many I've had with people regarding diet and exercise and how mixed up we all can get when we listen to EVERYTHING everyone is saying rather than doing research on our own and talking to real professionals.
I've also learned that people (myself included) need to be ready and willing to hear what you have to say before they are actually going to HEAR what you have to say.
I know a piece of paper won't give me the perfect body, but it will educate me more in what I'm talking about and maybe even show me how to better explain things to others. I have come to learn that this whole journey is looooooong and ongoing and as I am ready I will be able to achieve more and more.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do plan on pursuing my Personal Trainer Certification. It's actually not a big deal at all and anyone can do it (I'm saying that factually not inspirationally). Even if I never use it as a profession I will use it as often as I can to help people in their own health pursuits.
That's that.
In other news ....
I have begun to look into Wally and I taking the mandatory course for adoption in our province (whether you adopt within your country or internationally). I learned that the course is $1400 for the two of us to take it. And there is one happening in our city at the end of the month.
It's at this point things seem very real. It's at this point we must ask ourselves what to do. It's at this point we wish that God would just float down out of the sky and say, in a calm and soothing tone: 'Wally, Eva, it's time. You are ready to become parents.' The clouds part, the heavens open, and the sun is blazing in our eyes. A small child appears sitting on a satin pillow and says, as soon as they see us 'Mama. Dada.' We take the child, are blessed by God's anointed wand and off we slowly walk into the strangely timed sun set.
It's funny though. We are still waiting for God to appear from the sky with the specific instructions on things, let alone a child in tow.
Now it seems to be time for us to make some decisions. Do we do it now, do we wait a bit longer, do we 'try' for a natural one first, do we not care and do everything? What do we do?!
I'm hoping at some point in the next few days we figure out what to do and feel peace about it. If you are a prayin' type throw one up for us please. We need the help.
In the mean time I shall keep living, keep striving and keep believing perfect timing will occur, along with perfect wisdom.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Journey continues ....
I can't take it any more, I just can't take it. There's something about rules, boundaries and guidelines I need in my pursuit of good health. I cannot seem to make healthy choices completely on my own yet. I need the declaration of a public commitment before I can seem to abide truly by the standards I want to live by in the realms of my desired lifestyle.
It's like I cannot live by the standards I want to unless I've tied myself to them in some way. Unless I have everyone watching. I'm kinda glad I don't need that for my marriage or I might be in trouble. I wonder if that's why some people don't do so well in marriage relationships - they can't abide by their promises in secret the way they can in public.
Well I'm publicly declaring that unless I publicly declare my vows to a healthy life I'm forever unfaithful.
I've mentioned before I think that since wally and I moved we haven't gone to the gym as we've been painting, packing, moving, Christmasing and now gorging ourselves. We both actually miss it desperately but now are too far from our current gym (including my favourite Dee) to go back. There's another 'sister' gym that's a little closer we could go to but it's still further than we know is best for us (especially in the winter).
When we bought our house we noted the perfect workout room in the basement for us. So last week during Boxing Day sales we used our Master Card points and a little extra to buy a treadmill!! Then later in the week we found a sale on dumbbells that can be used as weights from 2.5 to 20 lbs. We already had a stability ball but then had to buy a bit of floor padding so we picked that up along with a medicine ball and voila, almost a complete home gym. I hope to purchase an adjustable bench in the next couple of weeks. After which time our bank account will need a vacation from the debit card.
I'm so excited to get back to working out and especially trying some things I've been too self conscious about at the gym. I also hope to begin training to do a 5 K run in the spring sometime. My very close friend from far away land (you know, who surprised me at the party) offered to run with me as she will be visiting around that time.
I finally had Wally weigh me yesterday (you know, being New Years and all). I didn't look at the weight nor did I ask what it was. I just wanted to know how much I'd gained. Well actually I wanted to know approximations. I got exactitations.
I was both excited and disappointed to learn that in the 5 weeks without going to the gym and during the month of eating much of the food I'd stayed away from in the past 6 months I had gained a total of 6 pounds (ok I'm lying I gained 6.8 lbs but for some reason I feel better when I leave out the .8).
Of course my mind has played a few games on me reminding me of losing muscle and probably gaining more fat than our scale will reveal and then I think 'Oh my goodness I'm fat! I'm fat! Call the intervention show I'm doomed and have totally gone astray!!! Somebody help!!!!'
A friend warned me once way on back when I mentioned a 'cheat meal' turning into a 'cheat day', he said 'Eva be careful, it takes nearly a month to create a good habit and only a few days to ruin it'. *sigh* Yeah I'm seeing that now.
The good news is that I feel hopeful rather than depressed about my weight gain. As I grow and learn about this little journey of mine I know now that you can never approach the same problem the same way twice. What was wonderfully successful before will not likely give me the same wonderful success now. I'm convinced there's something I need to change this time, some attitude, some outlook, some behaviour that will help me achieve what I'm after creating even more honest results. Whether it's a new buddy to fight with, or a new activity to master or perhaps just a shift in my approach something must be different, even if it's just a bit.
An old pastor of mine used to say the definition of insanity was continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different out come.
What I want to do is make some public vows right now and declare how I am going to live and what I am going to live without. It worked last time, very well actually. I am confident that it would be fairly successful this time but not as much as the last. What do I do to make my commitment real? What do I do to be true to how I want to live?
Accountability takes you so far, but you need to be accountable to someone (or someones) who cares enough to give you crap when you screw up. Who will spur you on to do your best and challenge you to get better.
Maybe a physical goal is needed, something measurable, something factual, something I can see change with.
Perhaps I need a new purpose to change. I know changing my eating in the past was much to do with the information I learned. The more I found out about the food I was hooked on the less I wanted to eat it, which then birthed a real commitment to change how I baked, cooked and ate. It was never through how much I wanted to be a certain size at all, though I wanted that it was never a strong enough factor in my will power.
Hmmmmmm .... I feel as though I need to do some soul searching, learning, friend searching, and purpose in me changing my lifestyle. I think I know for sure that the number on the scale or around my waist isn't enough for me to follow an eating plan or exercise routine. I need reason, advantages, facts, and good feelings for me to truly continue (and yes I'm continuing not re starting) my journey.
We're never 'there', where ever 'there' is. But that's good because that means we're still on the road to somewhere. and I'm choosing to believe it's somewhere better.
I sort of want to apologize about so much 'weight' talk much of the time, I'm sure it seems as though I'm obsessed about my appearance. I'm really not. I am probably mildly obsessed with bettering my health, but no more than I am with trying to better the rest of me. It's just easier to try and work on something physical than it is something invisible.
So let me write the following list of things I've learned about my body during my past year's journey towards better health:
* 80% of the equation is what you eat
* my appearance isn't a huge motivator in my progress
* my journey consists of ups and downs NOT going forwards or backwards. Though a weight gain appears to be a step back I believe it's just another lesson in what I am learning about myself and what's really true: I'm still learning.
* I am now convinced that proper nutrition and exercise is the only real way to lose fat and be healthy. I never ever have to engage in a diet. If something needs to be consumed in strict moderation it need not enter my body at all.
* I actually want to take care of what I've been given because good health is a real gift
* I can make my body into anything I want it to be (that is freakin' awesome!!!)
* I love sharing with others the things I have learned
* When my body is strong I feel amazing
* I can't just decide not to put something into my body i know is bad for me I must commit to it. However I need people around me to hold me accountable and remind me why I've chosen to do so.
* more to come .... :)
Wally and I canceled our gym membership today. A bit of a scary thing. We spent money on a home gym (well all the things I mentioned) and hope to continue to build it up a bit more. We know we are not likely to use one so far from home and I do home to maybe just maybe use our gym to train others in someday. We would like to be able to use our membership money on things of our choosing. I would love to take an actual yoga class for a couple of months, then try some other things. Eventually I may rejoin a gym closer by but for now I will see how working out at home goes. I hope to make our gym room a sanctuary in a sense to greet me each day and get me excited about this relatively new part of my life.
You know what would be fun? If someday I surprised Dee by achieving my strength goals and becoming a trainer. I would love to see the look on his face.
Hmmmmmm .... is that motivation enough?
It's like I cannot live by the standards I want to unless I've tied myself to them in some way. Unless I have everyone watching. I'm kinda glad I don't need that for my marriage or I might be in trouble. I wonder if that's why some people don't do so well in marriage relationships - they can't abide by their promises in secret the way they can in public.
Well I'm publicly declaring that unless I publicly declare my vows to a healthy life I'm forever unfaithful.
I've mentioned before I think that since wally and I moved we haven't gone to the gym as we've been painting, packing, moving, Christmasing and now gorging ourselves. We both actually miss it desperately but now are too far from our current gym (including my favourite Dee) to go back. There's another 'sister' gym that's a little closer we could go to but it's still further than we know is best for us (especially in the winter).
When we bought our house we noted the perfect workout room in the basement for us. So last week during Boxing Day sales we used our Master Card points and a little extra to buy a treadmill!! Then later in the week we found a sale on dumbbells that can be used as weights from 2.5 to 20 lbs. We already had a stability ball but then had to buy a bit of floor padding so we picked that up along with a medicine ball and voila, almost a complete home gym. I hope to purchase an adjustable bench in the next couple of weeks. After which time our bank account will need a vacation from the debit card.
I'm so excited to get back to working out and especially trying some things I've been too self conscious about at the gym. I also hope to begin training to do a 5 K run in the spring sometime. My very close friend from far away land (you know, who surprised me at the party) offered to run with me as she will be visiting around that time.
I finally had Wally weigh me yesterday (you know, being New Years and all). I didn't look at the weight nor did I ask what it was. I just wanted to know how much I'd gained. Well actually I wanted to know approximations. I got exactitations.
I was both excited and disappointed to learn that in the 5 weeks without going to the gym and during the month of eating much of the food I'd stayed away from in the past 6 months I had gained a total of 6 pounds (ok I'm lying I gained 6.8 lbs but for some reason I feel better when I leave out the .8).
Of course my mind has played a few games on me reminding me of losing muscle and probably gaining more fat than our scale will reveal and then I think 'Oh my goodness I'm fat! I'm fat! Call the intervention show I'm doomed and have totally gone astray!!! Somebody help!!!!'
A friend warned me once way on back when I mentioned a 'cheat meal' turning into a 'cheat day', he said 'Eva be careful, it takes nearly a month to create a good habit and only a few days to ruin it'. *sigh* Yeah I'm seeing that now.
The good news is that I feel hopeful rather than depressed about my weight gain. As I grow and learn about this little journey of mine I know now that you can never approach the same problem the same way twice. What was wonderfully successful before will not likely give me the same wonderful success now. I'm convinced there's something I need to change this time, some attitude, some outlook, some behaviour that will help me achieve what I'm after creating even more honest results. Whether it's a new buddy to fight with, or a new activity to master or perhaps just a shift in my approach something must be different, even if it's just a bit.
An old pastor of mine used to say the definition of insanity was continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different out come.
What I want to do is make some public vows right now and declare how I am going to live and what I am going to live without. It worked last time, very well actually. I am confident that it would be fairly successful this time but not as much as the last. What do I do to make my commitment real? What do I do to be true to how I want to live?
Accountability takes you so far, but you need to be accountable to someone (or someones) who cares enough to give you crap when you screw up. Who will spur you on to do your best and challenge you to get better.
Maybe a physical goal is needed, something measurable, something factual, something I can see change with.
Perhaps I need a new purpose to change. I know changing my eating in the past was much to do with the information I learned. The more I found out about the food I was hooked on the less I wanted to eat it, which then birthed a real commitment to change how I baked, cooked and ate. It was never through how much I wanted to be a certain size at all, though I wanted that it was never a strong enough factor in my will power.
Hmmmmmm .... I feel as though I need to do some soul searching, learning, friend searching, and purpose in me changing my lifestyle. I think I know for sure that the number on the scale or around my waist isn't enough for me to follow an eating plan or exercise routine. I need reason, advantages, facts, and good feelings for me to truly continue (and yes I'm continuing not re starting) my journey.
We're never 'there', where ever 'there' is. But that's good because that means we're still on the road to somewhere. and I'm choosing to believe it's somewhere better.
I sort of want to apologize about so much 'weight' talk much of the time, I'm sure it seems as though I'm obsessed about my appearance. I'm really not. I am probably mildly obsessed with bettering my health, but no more than I am with trying to better the rest of me. It's just easier to try and work on something physical than it is something invisible.
So let me write the following list of things I've learned about my body during my past year's journey towards better health:
* 80% of the equation is what you eat
* my appearance isn't a huge motivator in my progress
* my journey consists of ups and downs NOT going forwards or backwards. Though a weight gain appears to be a step back I believe it's just another lesson in what I am learning about myself and what's really true: I'm still learning.
* I am now convinced that proper nutrition and exercise is the only real way to lose fat and be healthy. I never ever have to engage in a diet. If something needs to be consumed in strict moderation it need not enter my body at all.
* I actually want to take care of what I've been given because good health is a real gift
* I can make my body into anything I want it to be (that is freakin' awesome!!!)
* I love sharing with others the things I have learned
* When my body is strong I feel amazing
* I can't just decide not to put something into my body i know is bad for me I must commit to it. However I need people around me to hold me accountable and remind me why I've chosen to do so.
* more to come .... :)
Wally and I canceled our gym membership today. A bit of a scary thing. We spent money on a home gym (well all the things I mentioned) and hope to continue to build it up a bit more. We know we are not likely to use one so far from home and I do home to maybe just maybe use our gym to train others in someday. We would like to be able to use our membership money on things of our choosing. I would love to take an actual yoga class for a couple of months, then try some other things. Eventually I may rejoin a gym closer by but for now I will see how working out at home goes. I hope to make our gym room a sanctuary in a sense to greet me each day and get me excited about this relatively new part of my life.
You know what would be fun? If someday I surprised Dee by achieving my strength goals and becoming a trainer. I would love to see the look on his face.
Hmmmmmm .... is that motivation enough?
Beeee Happy
Do you ever think about your life having an ending? I mean do you ever have a serious moment of realization that jolts you into the actual present to the very millisecond?
I do every once in a great while I stop long enough to really and truly put myself into thinking about time and my life in a way that scares the crap out of me AND gets me excited all at once. It's those moments that spur me on to doing things I REALLY want to do and gives me real focus and understanding that the time we have NOW is the only time we have.
The other day I was sitting in our new to us living room having one of these moments. I remember physically feeling startled at this reality and then trying to think to myself how I could even better what I am doing in my everyday to make my experience here and now, well .... better.
I was thinking how my aunt died at age 44. And how I now am almost 31. How if I died at her age I'd only have 13 years left and that doesn't seem like much. Then I thought, wow what if I only had 2 years, would I be pleased with my life? Am I experiencing and learning all that I should be? Am I missing something deeper and more joyous? Am I doing the job I am supposed to be doing? Living where I'm supposed to be living? Engaging in the friendships I'm supposed to be engaging in?
The initial 'I want to live life to the fullest' idea is obviously what drives me to put myself outside of my comfort zone, try new things, and try and understand other perspectives but am I doing so within the big areas as well.
This past week were the holidays, Christmas and New Years, a time generally filled with family and friends. Time to stop for a little while and just enjoy them with a meal and exchange of gifts. Maybe even a schedule change that's just different enough to allow you to enjoy that it's not the usual.
Probably because of these holidays, mixed with the fact that Wally had with first week off in exactly a year, I was feeling a bit sad. I had Christmas eve and Christmas Day off but other than that worked a regular week because people in my field don't exactly go on holidays from needing money, food, baths and socialization. Now I will completely admit that I am beyond fortunate to be able to have spent the two days that I always spend with each of our families off, when so many of my co workers worked straight through the holidays. However for some reason I just wanted to be home with Wally. I became resentful of work and taking anything but joy out of it. By day 5 and 6 in a row I dreaded going in and almost cried at the thought.
This seems completely ridiculous as I have no real reason to feel this way. I like those I support very much, but I like Wally more. I know I'm just acting spoiled now. It's funny though I was supporting someone on the last of my 6 day stint and I was scrubbing their floors on my hands and knees like when I used to house clean as my full time job. As I was working away being watched with an Eagle eye (the person I was supporting who I will admit I find a wee bit, or a lot bit creepy for more reasons than I can share), I was loving the silence. Silence in less than usual in most cases with this job. Then I actually had a moment of thinking maybe I should do a bit of housekeeping on the side. Then I longed for the days I was a housekeeper. Then I thought 'Am I going crazy? Or am I already there?'
Another factor into my dissatisfaction this week I think is that fact that I'm reading 'The Happiness Project'. Not because it's a bad book but because it's causing me to ask myself questions about my fulfillment and happiness.
As anyone who has read my blog for the past year and a half would know I (at the core) love my job. Actually maybe I'm lying. I think I'm discovering I love the people I support more than anything. I love meeting people that fascinate me, which they do every single day. I love being challenged, which I am every single day. I love being so privileged to know them. I honestly have and am learning more about the human heart from them than I think I could from 'regular people'. For example if I took 10 people I support and spent 10 hours with them I would generally come away from that time having felt as though I learned more about human kind and the true notions of it than I ever would if I were to do the same thing with the same number of people without a disability. I'm not saying they are angels (trust me, a co worker was trying me to go on the cruise for work and I am fully aware of the taxation that occurs on your psyche, or at least mine for extended periods of time - for that is).
I feel like I'm taking the scenic route to whatever point I'm trying to make and I'm getting bored.
I guess I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps my work in this field was less about me giving and more about me learning. I'm sure that generally that's why we're put in situations, I mean people think I'm going to Thailand to work when really I'm going to Thailand completely for myself to learn and to be changed in some way and to share the message with others.
When Wally and I went back to school we wanted to be prepared for the fact that we may have felt lead back to school for the journey and sacrifice we went through to rather than the result of the specific jobs we were going through in. We knew of lots of people that went to school for a certain occupation then ended up doing something completely different, some loved it and some didn't. When we both got jobs in our prospective fields we were elated and excited to know we were walking right into what seemed planned all along.
However as I look back I see how much the several different acts of change we had to accept before getting to school. The enormous fears we had to face, the geography we had to learn. We still say at least once a week 'We bought a house. All by ourselves. Without anyone's help or advice. Wow!' We have amazed ourselves. Though most couples our age wouldn't likely be all that amazed at doing those things we are as up until 2 1/2 years ago we had lived pretty much in the same town our whole lives and we fear driven. we'd do things based on how scared we were of them. Now we do things because we want to or because we don't.
Back to my job. I am beginning to wonder if it was and is less of a job or actual destination for me and perhaps more of a stepping stone and learning area. I can't say I've ever felt as though I've learned more than during the time I've been in this field, and don't get me wrong I don't plan on just quitting or anything. I just want to keep my heart open to doing what makes me happy, what I'm good at and what I love.
I do wonder if the mom calling I experienced in the summer is what my heart is anxious to encounter. Not to be loved, my husband, family and friends do a fine job of that, but perhaps for that thing I have known for years I've longed to do. We'll see...
One question 'The Happiness Project' lady asks, something many have pondered: 'What do you do in your free time? What would you do for free?'
I can think of a couple things right off the top of my head: read, observe, try new things and write. Oh and I love talking to kids. Like having a conversation with a 4 yrs old is THE BEST (well as long as you are not arguing your point). I mean a real conversation where you ask them questions and you wait to hear their answers. Bill Cosby is my hero by the way. Love that man.
I have no earthly idea how that started or where we went but there you have it!
It's funny, just writing that last paragraph makes me feel happier. Hmmmmm ... maybe I'm on to something.
Obeekaybee?
I do every once in a great while I stop long enough to really and truly put myself into thinking about time and my life in a way that scares the crap out of me AND gets me excited all at once. It's those moments that spur me on to doing things I REALLY want to do and gives me real focus and understanding that the time we have NOW is the only time we have.
The other day I was sitting in our new to us living room having one of these moments. I remember physically feeling startled at this reality and then trying to think to myself how I could even better what I am doing in my everyday to make my experience here and now, well .... better.
I was thinking how my aunt died at age 44. And how I now am almost 31. How if I died at her age I'd only have 13 years left and that doesn't seem like much. Then I thought, wow what if I only had 2 years, would I be pleased with my life? Am I experiencing and learning all that I should be? Am I missing something deeper and more joyous? Am I doing the job I am supposed to be doing? Living where I'm supposed to be living? Engaging in the friendships I'm supposed to be engaging in?
The initial 'I want to live life to the fullest' idea is obviously what drives me to put myself outside of my comfort zone, try new things, and try and understand other perspectives but am I doing so within the big areas as well.
This past week were the holidays, Christmas and New Years, a time generally filled with family and friends. Time to stop for a little while and just enjoy them with a meal and exchange of gifts. Maybe even a schedule change that's just different enough to allow you to enjoy that it's not the usual.
Probably because of these holidays, mixed with the fact that Wally had with first week off in exactly a year, I was feeling a bit sad. I had Christmas eve and Christmas Day off but other than that worked a regular week because people in my field don't exactly go on holidays from needing money, food, baths and socialization. Now I will completely admit that I am beyond fortunate to be able to have spent the two days that I always spend with each of our families off, when so many of my co workers worked straight through the holidays. However for some reason I just wanted to be home with Wally. I became resentful of work and taking anything but joy out of it. By day 5 and 6 in a row I dreaded going in and almost cried at the thought.
This seems completely ridiculous as I have no real reason to feel this way. I like those I support very much, but I like Wally more. I know I'm just acting spoiled now. It's funny though I was supporting someone on the last of my 6 day stint and I was scrubbing their floors on my hands and knees like when I used to house clean as my full time job. As I was working away being watched with an Eagle eye (the person I was supporting who I will admit I find a wee bit, or a lot bit creepy for more reasons than I can share), I was loving the silence. Silence in less than usual in most cases with this job. Then I actually had a moment of thinking maybe I should do a bit of housekeeping on the side. Then I longed for the days I was a housekeeper. Then I thought 'Am I going crazy? Or am I already there?'
Another factor into my dissatisfaction this week I think is that fact that I'm reading 'The Happiness Project'. Not because it's a bad book but because it's causing me to ask myself questions about my fulfillment and happiness.
As anyone who has read my blog for the past year and a half would know I (at the core) love my job. Actually maybe I'm lying. I think I'm discovering I love the people I support more than anything. I love meeting people that fascinate me, which they do every single day. I love being challenged, which I am every single day. I love being so privileged to know them. I honestly have and am learning more about the human heart from them than I think I could from 'regular people'. For example if I took 10 people I support and spent 10 hours with them I would generally come away from that time having felt as though I learned more about human kind and the true notions of it than I ever would if I were to do the same thing with the same number of people without a disability. I'm not saying they are angels (trust me, a co worker was trying me to go on the cruise for work and I am fully aware of the taxation that occurs on your psyche, or at least mine for extended periods of time - for that is).
I feel like I'm taking the scenic route to whatever point I'm trying to make and I'm getting bored.
I guess I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps my work in this field was less about me giving and more about me learning. I'm sure that generally that's why we're put in situations, I mean people think I'm going to Thailand to work when really I'm going to Thailand completely for myself to learn and to be changed in some way and to share the message with others.
When Wally and I went back to school we wanted to be prepared for the fact that we may have felt lead back to school for the journey and sacrifice we went through to rather than the result of the specific jobs we were going through in. We knew of lots of people that went to school for a certain occupation then ended up doing something completely different, some loved it and some didn't. When we both got jobs in our prospective fields we were elated and excited to know we were walking right into what seemed planned all along.
However as I look back I see how much the several different acts of change we had to accept before getting to school. The enormous fears we had to face, the geography we had to learn. We still say at least once a week 'We bought a house. All by ourselves. Without anyone's help or advice. Wow!' We have amazed ourselves. Though most couples our age wouldn't likely be all that amazed at doing those things we are as up until 2 1/2 years ago we had lived pretty much in the same town our whole lives and we fear driven. we'd do things based on how scared we were of them. Now we do things because we want to or because we don't.
Back to my job. I am beginning to wonder if it was and is less of a job or actual destination for me and perhaps more of a stepping stone and learning area. I can't say I've ever felt as though I've learned more than during the time I've been in this field, and don't get me wrong I don't plan on just quitting or anything. I just want to keep my heart open to doing what makes me happy, what I'm good at and what I love.
I do wonder if the mom calling I experienced in the summer is what my heart is anxious to encounter. Not to be loved, my husband, family and friends do a fine job of that, but perhaps for that thing I have known for years I've longed to do. We'll see...
One question 'The Happiness Project' lady asks, something many have pondered: 'What do you do in your free time? What would you do for free?'
I can think of a couple things right off the top of my head: read, observe, try new things and write. Oh and I love talking to kids. Like having a conversation with a 4 yrs old is THE BEST (well as long as you are not arguing your point). I mean a real conversation where you ask them questions and you wait to hear their answers. Bill Cosby is my hero by the way. Love that man.
I have no earthly idea how that started or where we went but there you have it!
It's funny, just writing that last paragraph makes me feel happier. Hmmmmm ... maybe I'm on to something.
Obeekaybee?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy 2011!!!
I wonder if the teen years of a century are as tumultuous (wow I spelled that right first try!) as a human's teen years? If so I hope they are filled with as much spending money and fun too.
I hope you have been able to look back on the past year and see what ways you've grown and maybe things you'd like to become and do int he year to come.
Wally asked me last night, as we spent New Years at home in our pjs from 5pm on, why everyone made such a big deal about New Years. Why was it such an occasion for a party, booze, and a need for making plans? He was just being him and trying to engage in a possibly deeper conversation on the occasion, me being me called him a party pooper.
When I think about it though I suppose people like it for a few reasons ....
#1 - people like any chance to celebrate and get a day off. Since human kind as a whole on this planet (as far as I know) all seem to agree and probably have for a long time that New Years is a big deal we continue to enjoy it as one.
#2 - people like fresh starts. Who doesn't enjoy being given a clean slate? Even if you are a good painter it's still nice to have a new canvas to paint something different on. Sometimes I think our minds get so caught up in life (at least in North America) that we just need to reprogram them once in a while so we can work more efficiently (ok didn't get that one spelled right first try).
#3 - there is likely an actual ancient story to explain the excitement of why people started celebrating New Years and blah, blah, blah that would be way more intriguing than my attempts but I'm not getting paid to be that thorough so I'll let you do the research.
Sometimes I think it'd be nice if the world had a teacher, you know someone to keep us in line. Someone to smack their meter stick on the disruptive student's desk and give you a death glare if you gave a snarky comment (ok so I'm probably glad we don't have a death glare giver as I'd be long dead by now).
Some of you are likely wanting to remind me that God exists and He's got things under control and is the 'teacher' (only you'd use a capital). I agree that teaches and that He's ultimately the One in charge but the world isn't exactly listening, well not right now that is.
Anyways that was a ramble that was likely leading to a philosophical (seriously how can I spell tumultuous right first try and not philosophical? Oh my goodness I didn't even get it right the second try!!). I'm gonna get back to fun New Years stuff.
I've never in the past been a resolution maker, as I have always been wise enough to know a new date on the calender will mostly likely not make a life changing difference in how you approach whatever change you want to make. If you really want to make a change you'll make it where ever you're at.
At work they held 'The Biggest Loser', twice actually. The first one I joined, and gained weight. My hope was that my commitment to it and the accountability there would somehow push my into a smaller dress size. Clearly it didn't work for me, or many others. At first it sort of did but then the realization that I loved chocolate more than winning became apparent.
In the end at least two of the three top people of the first round gained back the pile of weight they had just lost. Then round two came and I was smart enough not to join (it did cost $25). When someone asked why I didn't join the second one I said 'No point in just giving my money away, I'd rather just keep it' (the Biggest loser won lots of cashola).
I had totally forgotten about 'Round 2' but not about my desire to lose 15 pounds and I went ahead and signed up with Dee and trained for trained for 6 months. 3 months in I learned the keys to healthy eating (I had only signed up for 3 months). As I went along I slowly learned more about myself, more about my body and how it worked, and the truth about what I really wanted - a healthy strong body.
I won't lie. Over the past 4 weeks Wally and I have not stuck perfectly to our clean eating regiment though we've tried for the most part to stick to the main principals. Packing, painting, dealing with an insane snow storm, moving, unpacking and then ushering in the holidays has not kept us taking care of our bodies much at all. That's why this New Years comes at a good time for us to refresh and tackle getting back to our normal of training and eating healthy. We can't wait.
I guess my point is that if you want to really change your life you don't have to wait for January 1st. However if you are like me you like to take any opportunity to 'start over' and try new things, even if they are small things to make a few changes. That's why now (after my 40 Day Adventure in 2009) I love New Years.
Sooooooo... I guess I'll share a couple of small things I am aiming for during 2011. No doubt I while add to the list through out the year.
#1 - Check my facebook only once a day.
Yikes!! I already almost accidentally checked it when I got onto the computer and when I was ready to put my password in I realized what I was doing and pulled my hands away from the keyboard like it was on fire. It was a close call!
This one seems small but I know will totally change my everyday life. It's become a terrible habit that when I have a free second I check it (unfortunately I'm not exaggerating). I had considered going completely off of facebook but then reconsidered as it's the best way of staying connected with friends I hang out with and it really has been valuable in restarting friendships I had in the past. So for now it shall stay and probably challenge me more by being moderated than if I'd just cut it out completely. I look forward to tonnes more time to blog and read and make sure my lunch is made.
#2 - Become a hugger.
Ok this one seems really scary. Like REALLY. I'm not a hugger although I respect the act of hugging. I think if you are going to hug someone you need to do it will sincerity and umph. I HATE the back tap hug, the 1 second hug, or the one armed half hug where you don't even touch hug. What's the point? If the occasion calls for a hug, HUG!! If it doesn't shake my hand, give me a warm smile, or an arm squeeze. I love me some genuine arm squeeze when someone is aware of the touching rules but wants to some some care for you.
This one also seems simple but for me will .... be tough. I mean, thank goodness my parents read facebook and know what their in for because otherwise they'd likely send me to the loony bin for hugging them when it's not Christmas.
I'll keep you posted on how this one evolves. I'll probably need to write up some 'rules' or expectations around 'the hug' or I'll squeak by without doing anything at all.
#3 - Become a Muscle Woman.
I am telling you first off NO I don't mean a body builder!!!!! You will no see me prancing around a stage in a stringy velvet sequined non swim suit with a tan comparative to that of George Hamilton. It will not happen because that is gross to me (no offense body builder women).
However I do hope to learn more about working out on my own and shaping my body better with what I eat and how I train. This could be a very slow process that takes me years to learn but I want to learn how to sculpt my body and shape it into something STRONG. This, to me, does not mean having biceps I could crack walnuts with. It means feeling strong physically and doing things with it I never thought I could do. This concept excites me.
The challenge is also doing this without a trainer but taking the initiative to try new things (carefully) and learn them on my own because the concept of making your body into whatever you want it to be with just diet and exercise fascinates me.
There you have it! Those are my official New Years Resolutions so far. They aren't huge but it's generally the little things that make the biggest difference right? I do have a list of other things I'd like to accomplish this year and just enjoy but I'll save those for another day.
Do you have any resolutions? What are yours?
I hope you have been able to look back on the past year and see what ways you've grown and maybe things you'd like to become and do int he year to come.
Wally asked me last night, as we spent New Years at home in our pjs from 5pm on, why everyone made such a big deal about New Years. Why was it such an occasion for a party, booze, and a need for making plans? He was just being him and trying to engage in a possibly deeper conversation on the occasion, me being me called him a party pooper.
When I think about it though I suppose people like it for a few reasons ....
#1 - people like any chance to celebrate and get a day off. Since human kind as a whole on this planet (as far as I know) all seem to agree and probably have for a long time that New Years is a big deal we continue to enjoy it as one.
#2 - people like fresh starts. Who doesn't enjoy being given a clean slate? Even if you are a good painter it's still nice to have a new canvas to paint something different on. Sometimes I think our minds get so caught up in life (at least in North America) that we just need to reprogram them once in a while so we can work more efficiently (ok didn't get that one spelled right first try).
#3 - there is likely an actual ancient story to explain the excitement of why people started celebrating New Years and blah, blah, blah that would be way more intriguing than my attempts but I'm not getting paid to be that thorough so I'll let you do the research.
Sometimes I think it'd be nice if the world had a teacher, you know someone to keep us in line. Someone to smack their meter stick on the disruptive student's desk and give you a death glare if you gave a snarky comment (ok so I'm probably glad we don't have a death glare giver as I'd be long dead by now).
Some of you are likely wanting to remind me that God exists and He's got things under control and is the 'teacher' (only you'd use a capital). I agree that teaches and that He's ultimately the One in charge but the world isn't exactly listening, well not right now that is.
Anyways that was a ramble that was likely leading to a philosophical (seriously how can I spell tumultuous right first try and not philosophical? Oh my goodness I didn't even get it right the second try!!). I'm gonna get back to fun New Years stuff.
I've never in the past been a resolution maker, as I have always been wise enough to know a new date on the calender will mostly likely not make a life changing difference in how you approach whatever change you want to make. If you really want to make a change you'll make it where ever you're at.
At work they held 'The Biggest Loser', twice actually. The first one I joined, and gained weight. My hope was that my commitment to it and the accountability there would somehow push my into a smaller dress size. Clearly it didn't work for me, or many others. At first it sort of did but then the realization that I loved chocolate more than winning became apparent.
In the end at least two of the three top people of the first round gained back the pile of weight they had just lost. Then round two came and I was smart enough not to join (it did cost $25). When someone asked why I didn't join the second one I said 'No point in just giving my money away, I'd rather just keep it' (the Biggest loser won lots of cashola).
I had totally forgotten about 'Round 2' but not about my desire to lose 15 pounds and I went ahead and signed up with Dee and trained for trained for 6 months. 3 months in I learned the keys to healthy eating (I had only signed up for 3 months). As I went along I slowly learned more about myself, more about my body and how it worked, and the truth about what I really wanted - a healthy strong body.
I won't lie. Over the past 4 weeks Wally and I have not stuck perfectly to our clean eating regiment though we've tried for the most part to stick to the main principals. Packing, painting, dealing with an insane snow storm, moving, unpacking and then ushering in the holidays has not kept us taking care of our bodies much at all. That's why this New Years comes at a good time for us to refresh and tackle getting back to our normal of training and eating healthy. We can't wait.
I guess my point is that if you want to really change your life you don't have to wait for January 1st. However if you are like me you like to take any opportunity to 'start over' and try new things, even if they are small things to make a few changes. That's why now (after my 40 Day Adventure in 2009) I love New Years.
Sooooooo... I guess I'll share a couple of small things I am aiming for during 2011. No doubt I while add to the list through out the year.
#1 - Check my facebook only once a day.
Yikes!! I already almost accidentally checked it when I got onto the computer and when I was ready to put my password in I realized what I was doing and pulled my hands away from the keyboard like it was on fire. It was a close call!
This one seems small but I know will totally change my everyday life. It's become a terrible habit that when I have a free second I check it (unfortunately I'm not exaggerating). I had considered going completely off of facebook but then reconsidered as it's the best way of staying connected with friends I hang out with and it really has been valuable in restarting friendships I had in the past. So for now it shall stay and probably challenge me more by being moderated than if I'd just cut it out completely. I look forward to tonnes more time to blog and read and make sure my lunch is made.
#2 - Become a hugger.
Ok this one seems really scary. Like REALLY. I'm not a hugger although I respect the act of hugging. I think if you are going to hug someone you need to do it will sincerity and umph. I HATE the back tap hug, the 1 second hug, or the one armed half hug where you don't even touch hug. What's the point? If the occasion calls for a hug, HUG!! If it doesn't shake my hand, give me a warm smile, or an arm squeeze. I love me some genuine arm squeeze when someone is aware of the touching rules but wants to some some care for you.
This one also seems simple but for me will .... be tough. I mean, thank goodness my parents read facebook and know what their in for because otherwise they'd likely send me to the loony bin for hugging them when it's not Christmas.
I'll keep you posted on how this one evolves. I'll probably need to write up some 'rules' or expectations around 'the hug' or I'll squeak by without doing anything at all.
#3 - Become a Muscle Woman.
I am telling you first off NO I don't mean a body builder!!!!! You will no see me prancing around a stage in a stringy velvet sequined non swim suit with a tan comparative to that of George Hamilton. It will not happen because that is gross to me (no offense body builder women).
However I do hope to learn more about working out on my own and shaping my body better with what I eat and how I train. This could be a very slow process that takes me years to learn but I want to learn how to sculpt my body and shape it into something STRONG. This, to me, does not mean having biceps I could crack walnuts with. It means feeling strong physically and doing things with it I never thought I could do. This concept excites me.
The challenge is also doing this without a trainer but taking the initiative to try new things (carefully) and learn them on my own because the concept of making your body into whatever you want it to be with just diet and exercise fascinates me.
There you have it! Those are my official New Years Resolutions so far. They aren't huge but it's generally the little things that make the biggest difference right? I do have a list of other things I'd like to accomplish this year and just enjoy but I'll save those for another day.
Do you have any resolutions? What are yours?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
A New Year's a Comin'
Well I guess it's that time when I like to reflect upon the past year and look ahead at the year to come.
Here is the end of my 2009 summary:
If I were to sum up 2009 into one word I would have to say it is: RELATIONSHIPS. That is what I feel like the year has been all about. Establishing, growing, weeding out and the evolving of relationships with new and old friends alike. It has been incredibly cool to start this blog and feel connected to people near and far. To help actually make friends through strangers - what a gift.
My hope is that 2010 holds adventure, excitement, love, growth, healing and even more building of relationship in new and different ways.
Every year I look ahead and wonder what the year to come will look like. Will it be full of change? Will I be living where I am now? Will those closest to me still be alive and well? Will I still have my health? Will I have children in the coming year? Where will I travel to, if at all? Who will I laugh with and build fun memories with? What will those memories hold? How can I make this year even better than the last? That is a question I really wonder about. I honestly feel so blessed (sorry for the cliche) at the fact that I truly feel like I am living my life that I can't possibly have a better year than I just had. But I will because I am determined to live connected and open to seeing whatever God is up to.
I find it interesting that I thought 2009 was full of RELATIONSHIPS because if I were describe 2010 it would be the same thing. I feel as though I was, for lack of a better word, blessed with so many new friendships, most of which came by surprise. Though Wally and I struggle very much to establish 'couple friends' (this is something we'd really like to change but are unsure as to how exactly, I'm sure it seems like a no brainer but it's hard when we're so different from eachother), I have been lucky to connect with several people that have encouraged me in my journey. I am so grateful.
Without further a due (sp?) here's what happened in 2010 ....
* In January both Wally and I began new full time jobs in our fields of study. There aren't words to express how exciting it was to get employment right out of school in what we wanted to do!
* January through April I worked diligently on the party of the decade with various different friends that made it so possible. From the hand made invitations, to the quotes that were cut out and sticky tacked to the walls of the auditorium, no detail was left behind. The prep for the party was easily equal to that of a wedding reception.
* In March we celebrated 9 years of marriage together by escaping to a little bed and breakfast (some of our favourite places to go) for the weekend. Time flies!
* In April we finally had our big fat party to celebrate life and those who have come and gone through ours. I made my speech of a lifetime and did my best to let people know how much their presence in our lives meant to us, whether it was long or short. I then danced the night away (even though the DJ was less than stellar).
* Also during the weekend of the party one of my closest friends surprised me by flying in from the other side of HER country just for the weekend to show me how much I meant to her. There aren't words to say how much I loved that she did this and to be honest I think I had more fun the night before the party when her and I went out for the night, I think for the first time since we were out of high school. It was an amazing gift!
* In June Wally and I celebrated a week of graduations with each of us walking across that stage to get our college diplomas, something that meant alot to us as we had really sacrificed our comfort, familiarity, our house and all we knew to do so. It was a very special time.
* Also in June I took a week off to just break from the business of my new job, and went on a three day two night retreat which really challenged and renewed my thoughts on motherhood. A good time of relaxing, thinking and renewing.
* June was a busy month as I also decided that it was never too late to celebrate a birthday and I threw my own 30th birthday party consisting of 2 dear friends that embraced my fun! The night was dedicated to #28 (the thong challenge) on my last 40 day adventure.
* Sometime I believe in July Wally was in a fender bender that resulted in his car being written off and us having to buy another. Fortunately we used our wisdom and were able to purchase one out right.
* By the end of August Wally and I have completed 6 months of personal training with Dee (our amazing trainer). We had both increased our muscle mass and lowered our body fat by .... a lot. Resulting in both of us losing between 35-40 pounds. We changed our eating quite a bit and now feel free from the fear of obesity and a life of ill health resulting from a negative lifestyle. A HUGE accomplishment for us. (Though it can be a battle).
* It was early September when I committed to raising $10 000 for Compasio, the organization Wally and I are visiting next year. With much help from friends I believe we will do it!
* October held much excitement as we decided to start house shopping (which was supposed to be for fun) and in turn we ended up car shopping as we were hit by another car while actually out looking at houses with our agent. This time it was my car (that we'd just bought in March) but we made it through and got another one that was exactly the same only a yr older.
* The same weekend we bought my replacement car we purchased our house! An expensive 24 hrs for sure!!!
* In December we moved into our house and out of the retirement village just in time for Christmas (exactly 2 weeks before!).
All in all it has been an eventful year for sure. Not all events were welcomed but all were teachers. This would likely be a great time to talk about what I'd love to see in 2011 but I think there's enough for a whole other post on that so I'll share that separately.
If you think your life is boring try writing it out like this, it'll show you really what's been going on, things you can be proud of or maybe things you should work on. I hope you found 2010 to be a good teacher to help you know how better to deal with the ever changing life we share!
Here is the end of my 2009 summary:
If I were to sum up 2009 into one word I would have to say it is: RELATIONSHIPS. That is what I feel like the year has been all about. Establishing, growing, weeding out and the evolving of relationships with new and old friends alike. It has been incredibly cool to start this blog and feel connected to people near and far. To help actually make friends through strangers - what a gift.
My hope is that 2010 holds adventure, excitement, love, growth, healing and even more building of relationship in new and different ways.
Every year I look ahead and wonder what the year to come will look like. Will it be full of change? Will I be living where I am now? Will those closest to me still be alive and well? Will I still have my health? Will I have children in the coming year? Where will I travel to, if at all? Who will I laugh with and build fun memories with? What will those memories hold? How can I make this year even better than the last? That is a question I really wonder about. I honestly feel so blessed (sorry for the cliche) at the fact that I truly feel like I am living my life that I can't possibly have a better year than I just had. But I will because I am determined to live connected and open to seeing whatever God is up to.
I find it interesting that I thought 2009 was full of RELATIONSHIPS because if I were describe 2010 it would be the same thing. I feel as though I was, for lack of a better word, blessed with so many new friendships, most of which came by surprise. Though Wally and I struggle very much to establish 'couple friends' (this is something we'd really like to change but are unsure as to how exactly, I'm sure it seems like a no brainer but it's hard when we're so different from eachother), I have been lucky to connect with several people that have encouraged me in my journey. I am so grateful.
Without further a due (sp?) here's what happened in 2010 ....
* In January both Wally and I began new full time jobs in our fields of study. There aren't words to express how exciting it was to get employment right out of school in what we wanted to do!
* January through April I worked diligently on the party of the decade with various different friends that made it so possible. From the hand made invitations, to the quotes that were cut out and sticky tacked to the walls of the auditorium, no detail was left behind. The prep for the party was easily equal to that of a wedding reception.
* In March we celebrated 9 years of marriage together by escaping to a little bed and breakfast (some of our favourite places to go) for the weekend. Time flies!
* In April we finally had our big fat party to celebrate life and those who have come and gone through ours. I made my speech of a lifetime and did my best to let people know how much their presence in our lives meant to us, whether it was long or short. I then danced the night away (even though the DJ was less than stellar).
* Also during the weekend of the party one of my closest friends surprised me by flying in from the other side of HER country just for the weekend to show me how much I meant to her. There aren't words to say how much I loved that she did this and to be honest I think I had more fun the night before the party when her and I went out for the night, I think for the first time since we were out of high school. It was an amazing gift!
* In June Wally and I celebrated a week of graduations with each of us walking across that stage to get our college diplomas, something that meant alot to us as we had really sacrificed our comfort, familiarity, our house and all we knew to do so. It was a very special time.
* Also in June I took a week off to just break from the business of my new job, and went on a three day two night retreat which really challenged and renewed my thoughts on motherhood. A good time of relaxing, thinking and renewing.
* June was a busy month as I also decided that it was never too late to celebrate a birthday and I threw my own 30th birthday party consisting of 2 dear friends that embraced my fun! The night was dedicated to #28 (the thong challenge) on my last 40 day adventure.
* Sometime I believe in July Wally was in a fender bender that resulted in his car being written off and us having to buy another. Fortunately we used our wisdom and were able to purchase one out right.
* By the end of August Wally and I have completed 6 months of personal training with Dee (our amazing trainer). We had both increased our muscle mass and lowered our body fat by .... a lot. Resulting in both of us losing between 35-40 pounds. We changed our eating quite a bit and now feel free from the fear of obesity and a life of ill health resulting from a negative lifestyle. A HUGE accomplishment for us. (Though it can be a battle).
* It was early September when I committed to raising $10 000 for Compasio, the organization Wally and I are visiting next year. With much help from friends I believe we will do it!
* October held much excitement as we decided to start house shopping (which was supposed to be for fun) and in turn we ended up car shopping as we were hit by another car while actually out looking at houses with our agent. This time it was my car (that we'd just bought in March) but we made it through and got another one that was exactly the same only a yr older.
* The same weekend we bought my replacement car we purchased our house! An expensive 24 hrs for sure!!!
* In December we moved into our house and out of the retirement village just in time for Christmas (exactly 2 weeks before!).
All in all it has been an eventful year for sure. Not all events were welcomed but all were teachers. This would likely be a great time to talk about what I'd love to see in 2011 but I think there's enough for a whole other post on that so I'll share that separately.
If you think your life is boring try writing it out like this, it'll show you really what's been going on, things you can be proud of or maybe things you should work on. I hope you found 2010 to be a good teacher to help you know how better to deal with the ever changing life we share!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Fears of Fraudulance
I'm torn about what to write about. Do I share what's weighing on my heart or do some housekeeping?
Well since this is a personal blog and not the end of the year books for the tax guy I think I'll go with what's been on my heart...
I've shared many a times about my desire to be a mother, the long waiting period it is seeming to take to get there, our 'we didn't try but we didn't not try stage, our desire to adopt and my inward struggle to be totally fine with every possibility and how long it takes to get where ever.
While Wally and I detoured our lives towards school in hopes of making them better for any future people living in our home I found it really easy to be satisfied with not being a mom, not sharing the most exciting news anyone wants to here, and not even considering much when such news should be shared. Now that it has been a year since school has finished, we are both working, just bought a house and now the 'hmmmm when's a good time to get this kid thing on the go?' question is popping up.
Of course right now we are also in the middle of planning our trip to Thailand to work with Compasio (really probably just be more in the way of Compasio), and raising the $10 000 I committed a few months ago to raise, we do have one distraction.
However my time of naturally accepting 'whatever life gives us' in the realm of a family is, I'm noticing, seeming to be coming to an end. How do I know?
Exhibit #1: A co-worker and I were working together to advocate for someone we both support to go on a trip and she begins using phrases such as 'If I'm pregnant then I'll just volunteer to go on the trip with her', and 'Um yeah, don't tell anyone but I am pregnant!', following by the official announcement (which is of course made on facebook).
During that time I receive only twinges of 'Oh wow, you're pregnant. Hmmmm, we're the same age. You already have one kid. You JUST got married. I don't have any and I've been married for almost 10 years. But that's great for you, congratulations.' (I am secretly lying a little but trying to believe I'm above lying). At one point she also said 'if I can't go on the trip next Dec (because of the new baby) will you go?' Because of course I won't have any...)
Exhibit #2: A girl that I mentored a bit years ago, whom always seemed waaaaay younger than I has a baby and is sharing the facebook love about the baby often. The baby is beautiful and perfect.
I have began to consider 'hiding' this person ONLY because of my own selfish 'I want a little person to love and for my life to seem perfect!' notions. And it seems a tad torturous to here about hers. Even though I SHOULD be overjoyed for her as she is an incredibly lovely girl and no doubt great wife and mommy.
Exhibit #3: My cousin (who again is younger than I and married for less years - yeah I don't know why this part matters but apparently in my head there are invisible rules), and his wife are expecting a baby any day. Finally, after seven years and 'Eva and Wally being married for 10 childless years', another great grand baby is on it's way. My cousin is a very excited and proud first time daddy (if I wasn't holding a stick up my butt I'd likely think this was rather endearing, seeing as the stick is clearly lodged where it shouldn't be I am ridiculously annoyed by all of it).
His wife experienced a lot of sickness in the first few months and openly complained about wanting the pregnancy to be over. I openly reminded her how lucky she was to be able to feeling EVERYTHING that it meant to be pregnant (Can't say it was hard for me to say seeing as I was not the one puking my guts out).
I could go further on about the jealously I sadly hold over these two as they've been married the perfect amount of time to have a child (5 yrs), they have a lovely home that is paid for (thanks to my aunt's passing and my uncle's incredible generosity), they've gone on probably 10 cruises in their relatively short marriage (showing they realize the sacrifice children will bring - ok so that's what I tell my self), and they both have their dream jobs that incidentally bring in substantial bread to eat (like raisin, pizza, whole grain, etc.). Perfect.
Needless to say this has been my biggest challenge to get over within myself. I swear every time I think of them and their life I turn into this horrible jealous monster. I'm really glad there aren't mirrors for the spiritual world - I'd be so ugly.
In conclusion, my evidence clearly shows that I am officially faking being satisfied with not fulfilling my longtime 'calling' of being a mom. I am starting to feel as though I would fit right in on an infertility blog (something which I don't like - no offense to infertility blog writers or readers but SOME of those blogs become pity parties rather than 'ok so let's make a plan of attack and take more joy out of it than I could have ever out of what I thought I wanted'). No doubt I'm running from the thing I dislike within myself the most. Shockingly I'm very far from perfection (I know, I hope you didn't fall off of your chair).
Sooooooooo, now what?
Well I'll be honest. Wally and I are both a little nervous to become pregnant before traveling abroad to a place so foreign and so not Canada. Who knows maybe the very first shot out of the gun would be a perfect target. So we've decided to begin the long arduous steps of the adoption process.
It's funny I don't feel old enough, responsible enough, rich enough, good enough or ready enough to make that phone call. I will admit that I fear the Social Worker will talk us out of it, or into more than we can handle. I fear we will get closer and realize everyone's belief's are true and the children from the system are 'too damaged' for us to handle. I fear the additional negative comments that we will get regarding adoption that doesn't include an infant. I fear making the announcement that we are parents only to see the disappointment that the child isn't genetically 'ours'.
I think though what I fear most is that I will get pregnant in the middle of the adoption path and realize I've been faking my desire to adopt the whole time in efforts to cope and that I am indeed a complete fraud.
However, despite my fears, despite my unreadiness in many ways, I know it's time to at least begin to take steps in some kind of direction and see where we go.
I think I may be blogging more this year ...
Well since this is a personal blog and not the end of the year books for the tax guy I think I'll go with what's been on my heart...
I've shared many a times about my desire to be a mother, the long waiting period it is seeming to take to get there, our 'we didn't try but we didn't not try stage, our desire to adopt and my inward struggle to be totally fine with every possibility and how long it takes to get where ever.
While Wally and I detoured our lives towards school in hopes of making them better for any future people living in our home I found it really easy to be satisfied with not being a mom, not sharing the most exciting news anyone wants to here, and not even considering much when such news should be shared. Now that it has been a year since school has finished, we are both working, just bought a house and now the 'hmmmm when's a good time to get this kid thing on the go?' question is popping up.
Of course right now we are also in the middle of planning our trip to Thailand to work with Compasio (really probably just be more in the way of Compasio), and raising the $10 000 I committed a few months ago to raise, we do have one distraction.
However my time of naturally accepting 'whatever life gives us' in the realm of a family is, I'm noticing, seeming to be coming to an end. How do I know?
Exhibit #1: A co-worker and I were working together to advocate for someone we both support to go on a trip and she begins using phrases such as 'If I'm pregnant then I'll just volunteer to go on the trip with her', and 'Um yeah, don't tell anyone but I am pregnant!', following by the official announcement (which is of course made on facebook).
During that time I receive only twinges of 'Oh wow, you're pregnant. Hmmmm, we're the same age. You already have one kid. You JUST got married. I don't have any and I've been married for almost 10 years. But that's great for you, congratulations.' (I am secretly lying a little but trying to believe I'm above lying). At one point she also said 'if I can't go on the trip next Dec (because of the new baby) will you go?' Because of course I won't have any...)
Exhibit #2: A girl that I mentored a bit years ago, whom always seemed waaaaay younger than I has a baby and is sharing the facebook love about the baby often. The baby is beautiful and perfect.
I have began to consider 'hiding' this person ONLY because of my own selfish 'I want a little person to love and for my life to seem perfect!' notions. And it seems a tad torturous to here about hers. Even though I SHOULD be overjoyed for her as she is an incredibly lovely girl and no doubt great wife and mommy.
Exhibit #3: My cousin (who again is younger than I and married for less years - yeah I don't know why this part matters but apparently in my head there are invisible rules), and his wife are expecting a baby any day. Finally, after seven years and 'Eva and Wally being married for 10 childless years', another great grand baby is on it's way. My cousin is a very excited and proud first time daddy (if I wasn't holding a stick up my butt I'd likely think this was rather endearing, seeing as the stick is clearly lodged where it shouldn't be I am ridiculously annoyed by all of it).
His wife experienced a lot of sickness in the first few months and openly complained about wanting the pregnancy to be over. I openly reminded her how lucky she was to be able to feeling EVERYTHING that it meant to be pregnant (Can't say it was hard for me to say seeing as I was not the one puking my guts out).
I could go further on about the jealously I sadly hold over these two as they've been married the perfect amount of time to have a child (5 yrs), they have a lovely home that is paid for (thanks to my aunt's passing and my uncle's incredible generosity), they've gone on probably 10 cruises in their relatively short marriage (showing they realize the sacrifice children will bring - ok so that's what I tell my self), and they both have their dream jobs that incidentally bring in substantial bread to eat (like raisin, pizza, whole grain, etc.). Perfect.
Needless to say this has been my biggest challenge to get over within myself. I swear every time I think of them and their life I turn into this horrible jealous monster. I'm really glad there aren't mirrors for the spiritual world - I'd be so ugly.
In conclusion, my evidence clearly shows that I am officially faking being satisfied with not fulfilling my longtime 'calling' of being a mom. I am starting to feel as though I would fit right in on an infertility blog (something which I don't like - no offense to infertility blog writers or readers but SOME of those blogs become pity parties rather than 'ok so let's make a plan of attack and take more joy out of it than I could have ever out of what I thought I wanted'). No doubt I'm running from the thing I dislike within myself the most. Shockingly I'm very far from perfection (I know, I hope you didn't fall off of your chair).
Sooooooooo, now what?
Well I'll be honest. Wally and I are both a little nervous to become pregnant before traveling abroad to a place so foreign and so not Canada. Who knows maybe the very first shot out of the gun would be a perfect target. So we've decided to begin the long arduous steps of the adoption process.
It's funny I don't feel old enough, responsible enough, rich enough, good enough or ready enough to make that phone call. I will admit that I fear the Social Worker will talk us out of it, or into more than we can handle. I fear we will get closer and realize everyone's belief's are true and the children from the system are 'too damaged' for us to handle. I fear the additional negative comments that we will get regarding adoption that doesn't include an infant. I fear making the announcement that we are parents only to see the disappointment that the child isn't genetically 'ours'.
I think though what I fear most is that I will get pregnant in the middle of the adoption path and realize I've been faking my desire to adopt the whole time in efforts to cope and that I am indeed a complete fraud.
However, despite my fears, despite my unreadiness in many ways, I know it's time to at least begin to take steps in some kind of direction and see where we go.
I think I may be blogging more this year ...
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Cherrishing
Well I haven't had an 'up in the night' night since we moved but it IS Christmas. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. For a couple of reasons: hello, it's Christmas, who can sleep on Christmas? And I have a sugar hangover from lastnight's sweet fest.
I'm not sure why this year I can't sleep as Wally and I agreed not to purchase any gifts for eachother since we just bought the house (and enough paint to monetarily equal an eighth of our down payment).
Generally we are very creative gift givers. We've always given ourselves a very strict budget to work with since most Christmases we've had together we have not been financially .... um .... well ... let's just say extraordinary (although saying this I know we've always always had what we've needed which is far better than most in this world).
It's only been in the past couple of years we've really felt the fun of shopping for eachother (that being said our budget went from between $25 and $50 to $100 super extravagant for us!!). We have maintained no matter what we have had to shop with that thoughtfulness be the priority and we're both pretty good at that (especially Wally).
I've learned that clearly the anticipation of gifts isn't everything to me but the cherished time we spend together in the early morning of Christmas day with only the tree lights, the doggies, and two well made mugs of hot chocolate in our hands means so much more.
In years past we've written eachother letters (love letters I suppose), a couple of which have been framed and hang in our computer area. Words encouraging one another in the year to come and the endeavors that were anticipated and the faith we shared in eachother's abilities.
This year I told Wally that I thought it'd be fun to share the top ten moments we had together in 2010 as our gift, hopefully something we'll chat about.
I have to mention the richness I feel right now. I'm sitting in our 'upstairs' living room with our new electric fireplace blazing (I'm going to sound spoiled but I have come to almost need a fireplace - I think it's sort of like therapy for me). We have two bedrooms waiting to be filled (and painted) with little ones. We have an empty room in the basement that's finished and perfect for our hopefully soon to be home gym, where someday I hope to be able to train people myself (wow that's sharing a dream!).
We have a dining room ready for entertaining which will hopefully lead to many a good conversations and memories. A little kitchen (soon to be painted) that will hug me every time I cook. Attached to our home (an addition) is a little garage that challenges me every time I back out with not losing my mirrors. And I can't forget the fourth bedroom downstairs that we've made a tv room that's admittedly awkward for tv furniture but will do just fine (we hope to tear down a wall and open it up to the only unfinished room in the basement - that is if we live here long enough).
Aside from the fireplace do you know what I seem to appreciate the most about our new (to us) home? The ancient, but free, dryer I got with the purchase of a 3 year old $100 washing machine on Kijiji.
Yesterday I was doing laundry for the first time since getting the dryer hooked up and I felt as though I was in heaven. I'm not sure if it's because for the 2 1/2 years we lived in the apartment I was too cheap to use the driers (as you may recall from my first 40 day adventure) and I could now use one for free. OR if it was because it cut so much time out of hanging our clothes (I hang A LOT of our clothes anyways), and the dry time. It could be the fact that I no longer have to wear crunchy socks or use stiff wash clothes on my face. There are tonnes of reasons that could be why I love my new (yet archaic) dryer.
I'm not exactly sure why I went on that long bunny trail about a dryer. I guess it ties in with simple, free and unexpected things becoming a pleasure.
Of all the reasons to love having a house again I will admit that I never thought that rickety old thing (that was free!!!!) would be at the top of my list - but it is. I guess it is just a reminder this Christmas that the best things in life are the little things. We never know what might be meaningless to one person could completely change another one's life.
Wally and I, in the past, have named our important appliances. I remember when a couple that were sort of our mentors gave us their old portable dishwasher at the old house. We sent them a thank you card with me hugging our new helpmate we aptly named 'Gloria' because I said 'She's glorious!'.
I'm looking forward this Christmas day to Wally getting up and turning on the kettle, the tree lights and the fire (I know, lighting the fire sounds far more sentimental but sometimes you gotta work with what you have) and sitting together cherishing our memories from this year. That's one thing I love about us, no matter what state we've been in during the holidays, whether good times or bad, we make an effort to really and truly enjoy our time together and make it special (even in the middle of painting a house the week before we're moving in and we SOUND as though we may kill eachother), we value our together.
Not sure where this post was off to but there is it.
Have a very Merry Christmas Day and take time to truly enjoy those you have in your life!
I'm not sure why this year I can't sleep as Wally and I agreed not to purchase any gifts for eachother since we just bought the house (and enough paint to monetarily equal an eighth of our down payment).
Generally we are very creative gift givers. We've always given ourselves a very strict budget to work with since most Christmases we've had together we have not been financially .... um .... well ... let's just say extraordinary (although saying this I know we've always always had what we've needed which is far better than most in this world).
It's only been in the past couple of years we've really felt the fun of shopping for eachother (that being said our budget went from between $25 and $50 to $100 super extravagant for us!!). We have maintained no matter what we have had to shop with that thoughtfulness be the priority and we're both pretty good at that (especially Wally).
I've learned that clearly the anticipation of gifts isn't everything to me but the cherished time we spend together in the early morning of Christmas day with only the tree lights, the doggies, and two well made mugs of hot chocolate in our hands means so much more.
In years past we've written eachother letters (love letters I suppose), a couple of which have been framed and hang in our computer area. Words encouraging one another in the year to come and the endeavors that were anticipated and the faith we shared in eachother's abilities.
This year I told Wally that I thought it'd be fun to share the top ten moments we had together in 2010 as our gift, hopefully something we'll chat about.
I have to mention the richness I feel right now. I'm sitting in our 'upstairs' living room with our new electric fireplace blazing (I'm going to sound spoiled but I have come to almost need a fireplace - I think it's sort of like therapy for me). We have two bedrooms waiting to be filled (and painted) with little ones. We have an empty room in the basement that's finished and perfect for our hopefully soon to be home gym, where someday I hope to be able to train people myself (wow that's sharing a dream!).
We have a dining room ready for entertaining which will hopefully lead to many a good conversations and memories. A little kitchen (soon to be painted) that will hug me every time I cook. Attached to our home (an addition) is a little garage that challenges me every time I back out with not losing my mirrors. And I can't forget the fourth bedroom downstairs that we've made a tv room that's admittedly awkward for tv furniture but will do just fine (we hope to tear down a wall and open it up to the only unfinished room in the basement - that is if we live here long enough).
Aside from the fireplace do you know what I seem to appreciate the most about our new (to us) home? The ancient, but free, dryer I got with the purchase of a 3 year old $100 washing machine on Kijiji.
Yesterday I was doing laundry for the first time since getting the dryer hooked up and I felt as though I was in heaven. I'm not sure if it's because for the 2 1/2 years we lived in the apartment I was too cheap to use the driers (as you may recall from my first 40 day adventure) and I could now use one for free. OR if it was because it cut so much time out of hanging our clothes (I hang A LOT of our clothes anyways), and the dry time. It could be the fact that I no longer have to wear crunchy socks or use stiff wash clothes on my face. There are tonnes of reasons that could be why I love my new (yet archaic) dryer.
I'm not exactly sure why I went on that long bunny trail about a dryer. I guess it ties in with simple, free and unexpected things becoming a pleasure.
Of all the reasons to love having a house again I will admit that I never thought that rickety old thing (that was free!!!!) would be at the top of my list - but it is. I guess it is just a reminder this Christmas that the best things in life are the little things. We never know what might be meaningless to one person could completely change another one's life.
Wally and I, in the past, have named our important appliances. I remember when a couple that were sort of our mentors gave us their old portable dishwasher at the old house. We sent them a thank you card with me hugging our new helpmate we aptly named 'Gloria' because I said 'She's glorious!'.
I'm looking forward this Christmas day to Wally getting up and turning on the kettle, the tree lights and the fire (I know, lighting the fire sounds far more sentimental but sometimes you gotta work with what you have) and sitting together cherishing our memories from this year. That's one thing I love about us, no matter what state we've been in during the holidays, whether good times or bad, we make an effort to really and truly enjoy our time together and make it special (even in the middle of painting a house the week before we're moving in and we SOUND as though we may kill eachother), we value our together.
Not sure where this post was off to but there is it.
Have a very Merry Christmas Day and take time to truly enjoy those you have in your life!
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