Beeee Happy

Do you ever think about your life having an ending? I mean do you ever have a serious moment of realization that jolts you into the actual present to the very millisecond?

I do every once in a great while I stop long enough to really and truly put myself into thinking about time and my life in a way that scares the crap out of me AND gets me excited all at once. It's those moments that spur me on to doing things I REALLY want to do and gives me real focus and understanding that the time we have NOW is the only time we have.

The other day I was sitting in our new to us living room having one of these moments. I remember physically feeling startled at this reality and then trying to think to myself how I could even better what I am doing in my everyday to make my experience here and now, well .... better.

I was thinking how my aunt died at age 44. And how I now am almost 31. How if I died at her age I'd only have 13 years left and that doesn't seem like much. Then I thought, wow what if I only had 2 years, would I be pleased with my life? Am I experiencing and learning all that I should be? Am I missing something deeper and more joyous? Am I doing the job I am supposed to be doing? Living where I'm supposed to be living? Engaging in the friendships I'm supposed to be engaging in?

The initial 'I want to live life to the fullest' idea is obviously what drives me to put myself outside of my comfort zone, try new things, and try and understand other perspectives but am I doing so within the big areas as well.

This past week were the holidays, Christmas and New Years, a time generally filled with family and friends. Time to stop for a little while and just enjoy them with a meal and exchange of gifts. Maybe even a schedule change that's just different enough to allow you to enjoy that it's not the usual.

Probably because of these holidays, mixed with the fact that Wally had with first week off in exactly a year, I was feeling a bit sad. I had Christmas eve and Christmas Day off but other than that worked a regular week because people in my field don't exactly go on holidays from needing money, food, baths and socialization. Now I will completely admit that I am beyond fortunate to be able to have spent the two days that I always spend with each of our families off, when so many of my co workers worked straight through the holidays. However for some reason I just wanted to be home with Wally. I became resentful of work and taking anything but joy out of it. By day 5 and 6 in a row I dreaded going in and almost cried at the thought.

This seems completely ridiculous as I have no real reason to feel this way. I like those I support very much, but I like Wally more. I know I'm just acting spoiled now. It's funny though I was supporting someone on the last of my 6 day stint and I was scrubbing their floors on my hands and knees like when I used to house clean as my full time job. As I was working away being watched with an Eagle eye (the person I was supporting who I will admit I find a wee bit, or a lot bit creepy for more reasons than I can share), I was loving the silence. Silence in less than usual in most cases with this job. Then I actually had a moment of thinking maybe I should do a bit of housekeeping on the side. Then I longed for the days I was a housekeeper. Then I thought 'Am I going crazy? Or am I already there?'

Another factor into my dissatisfaction this week I think is that fact that I'm reading 'The Happiness Project'. Not because it's a bad book but because it's causing me to ask myself questions about my fulfillment and happiness.

As anyone who has read my blog for the past year and a half would know I (at the core) love my job. Actually maybe I'm lying. I think I'm discovering I love the people I support more than anything. I love meeting people that fascinate me, which they do every single day. I love being challenged, which I am every single day. I love being so privileged to know them. I honestly have and am learning more about the human heart from them than I think I could from 'regular people'. For example if I took 10 people I support and spent 10 hours with them I would generally come away from that time having felt as though I learned more about human kind and the true notions of it than I ever would if I were to do the same thing with the same number of people without a disability. I'm not saying they are angels (trust me, a co worker was trying me to go on the cruise for work and I am fully aware of the taxation that occurs on your psyche, or at least mine for extended periods of time - for that is).

I feel like I'm taking the scenic route to whatever point I'm trying to make and I'm getting bored.

I guess I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps my work in this field was less about me giving and more about me learning. I'm sure that generally that's why we're put in situations, I mean people think I'm going to Thailand to work when really I'm going to Thailand completely for myself to learn and to be changed in some way and to share the message with others.

When Wally and I went back to school we wanted to be prepared for the fact that we may have felt lead back to school for the journey and sacrifice we went through to rather than the result of the specific jobs we were going through in. We knew of lots of people that went to school for a certain occupation then ended up doing something completely different, some loved it and some didn't. When we both got jobs in our prospective fields we were elated and excited to know we were walking right into what seemed planned all along.

However as I look back I see how much the several different acts of change we had to accept before getting to school. The enormous fears we had to face, the geography we had to learn. We still say at least once a week 'We bought a house. All by ourselves. Without anyone's help or advice. Wow!' We have amazed ourselves. Though most couples our age wouldn't likely be all that amazed at doing those things we are as up until 2 1/2 years ago we had lived pretty much in the same town our whole lives and we fear driven. we'd do things based on how scared we were of them. Now we do things because we want to or because we don't.

Back to my job. I am beginning to wonder if it was and is less of a job or actual destination for me and perhaps more of a stepping stone and learning area. I can't say I've ever felt as though I've learned more than during the time I've been in this field, and don't get me wrong I don't plan on just quitting or anything. I just want to keep my heart open to doing what makes me happy, what I'm good at and what I love.

I do wonder if the mom calling I experienced in the summer is what my heart is anxious to encounter. Not to be loved, my husband, family and friends do a fine job of that, but perhaps for that thing I have known for years I've longed to do. We'll see...

One question 'The Happiness Project' lady asks, something many have pondered: 'What do you do in your free time? What would you do for free?'

I can think of a couple things right off the top of my head: read, observe, try new things and write. Oh and I love talking to kids. Like having a conversation with a 4 yrs old is THE BEST (well as long as you are not arguing your point). I mean a real conversation where you ask them questions and you wait to hear their answers. Bill Cosby is my hero by the way. Love that man.

I have no earthly idea how that started or where we went but there you have it!

It's funny, just writing that last paragraph makes me feel happier. Hmmmmm ... maybe I'm on to something.

Obeekaybee?