Thank you

I smiled :)

.....

I have thoughts.

What's new?

My new thoughts.

I hope to share them soon.

So I won't forget, the topic is: selfishness.

So there.

I miss writing. And thinking. And ... well ... other stuff.

I'm feeling a wee bit sad right now. I'll get over it. There are bigger crisis' in the world.

Hopefully I can write soon.

Ciao.

If you have a minute (which is unlikely) share something that will make me smile. You know, if you have a minute :)

I just need a little one.
In the mean time

Graduation #2

Ok so it's 2:40am and though I complained non stop yesterday of feeling one long wink away from a nap, I am awake and kicking right now thinking only of one thing (well, actually two): Dee and my graduation day.

Yes, yesterday I graduated. At least that's what it felt like to me.

I was nervous before my last of 52 sessions over the past 6 months came to a close. I wondered what my final day would feel like. Would it be harder than usual or the same? Would I burst into tears at the end and cry at Dee's feet and plead him not to let me go? Would I joyously throw him a high five and skip out of that gym with glee? (I almost typed that word with a capital - ha ha!!) What would happen?

As I met the hour with great anticipation I soon learned my fate...

For the most part it was the same intense workout as usual, except the part where I talked Dee's ear off with questions, and for some reason only had a few pokes at his ego to give.

Part of me was scared to speak much so I didn't, as in the previous few sessions, nearly cry during some hard sets just at the thought of trying to go at this huge task on my own. I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I'd been at this for 6 months, and despite hearing him tell me that my results were incredible and that he was full of pride at my life changing attitude, was yet convinced.

Instead I had guilt feelings over the fact that I hadn't achieved my lifelong goal .... yet. I scolded myself for not taking advantage every second of my life of the fact that I had the opportunity that was Dee to shed all of the challenge that has haunted me most of my days. I really used to (I'm trying to change) think that if I didn't achieve perfect fitness in 3-6 months I was a failure. I know in my head that's not true but winning the fight in my heart is a different story.

Of course there is the fact that I have built a friendship with an unlikely subject that has played with my emotions as well. I can't say that I ever thought I would share my deepest insecurities and struggles with a buff, wrestler type, well ... ever.

So instead of risking the spillage of my tears I decided to guard my mouth (for once) and stay relatively quiet (I didn't want to go too wild and be silent).

I later got a text from Dee asking about my less chatty nature. I had to share with him that I was just processing in my head what this day meant.

During our time together yesterday he assured me once again he would be there for me for anything I needed which is reassuring but not the same as going at it without him. At the end he said 'Ok come over here and give me a hug' to which I replied 'Are you serious?' and gave him a 'Do I have?' look.

Of course rarely does one yet to be muscle filled win against one of the opposite stature when something is up for debate. I got off my butt and shared an embrace that was surprisingly real. He spoke into my ear one last time 'I'm so proud of you darling, you've done great.' (Don't be alarmed, he uses darling here in there when he can get away with it).

In that moment I used every bit of strength to not cry, as we were in the main part of the gym right in front of the entrance doors and counter where people sit to have their overpriced smoothies at the end of their workouts. He had clarified with me at the beginning of the workout 'You're not going to cry today are you?' To which I curtly said 'Of course not'. I had to hold up my not so confident declaration.

But it was difficult. My voice broke and I just did my best to hold in the tears that would soon follow and the bright red nose that would make it's debut at any time.

I was slightly thankful that I didn't have time for cardio that day because once I got to my car my throat burned and my nose went aflame. It was now ... over. No more Dee. Or at least no more Dee as a trainer.

I waited briefly for my tears to blur my vision and my throat to feel relief from all the emotion with a good cry, but it never came. I'm not sure why, I was indeed grieving the loss of my trainer and one of my biggest encouragers, but something held me back.

I'm not sure if it was the fact that deep down I know that I'm ready to be on my own, or that I have confidence that Dee will keep up his end of the bargain and keep his promise to remain friends (which apparently includes an invite to his wedding, a shopping trip to give me help with my clear lack of fashion, or the promised bikini beach trip he plans to take me on next summer to show off my achieved body - which for clarification has yet to be achieved). Whatever it was, it held me back from releasing all of my mixed emotions and kept reminding me that this whole journey had indeed just begun, and that this was just the next logical step in me achieving my greater goal.

I was a bit irritated at my inward wisdom. I mean I just wanted to feel sad and scared, and get it all out of my system, but my system didn't agree with my desire and forced me to keep it together.

As I tossed and turned even just an hour or so ago I couldn't help but notice the literal pain my butt was feeling from my workout yesterday and think of Dee (this statement really is hilarious right now) and all that lies ahead.

I have learned to welcome (a certain amount) of physical pain that comes after some of my workouts. It is a reminder to me that I am reshaping and rebuilding my body into something strong, beautiful and healthy for myself.

I have yet to welcome the pain that develops in my heart following the departure of yet another person who has entered and will soon exit from a certain role in my life.

One thing I noticed a lot since moving to the city and starting over is how many people I have become deeply connected with whom I later learn only have a brief part to play in my life. Life back home was so far from this. You would know who you knew from childhood until death pretty much and the characters in your play (or life) were much more there out of necessity than choice. which overall seems more appealing than having a monologue of a life.

I just recently said to Wally after the news that one of our former 'Monday night gang' shared with us they got a job an hour and half away, how much I've noticed the departure of so many that had become so dear to us through out our short time here. The change is constant yet still powerful enough to leave a dull ache in your soul.

At first I want to cry (and often do) and plead (and I often do) for the person to stay. I cling to that relationship and try my darndest to keep it what it was. As I get used to this common theme of relationship change in our lives here, I am learning to let go of certain relationships easier and embrace the new ones that may develop as a result.

This doesn't mean necessarily not being friends (or it may), it just means allowing for growth for myself to be ok with how things will change. That may mean more traveling, a change in the role that person plays (perhaps a stronger role or a lighter one), or it may mean it's time to let them go. The good news is things generally happen gradually and over time without you realizing it.

In Dee's case I will miss our banter, his pushing, the sexually inappropriate humour I am only really able to make around him. But after pondering over the past couple of weeks thinking of this up coming change I am reassured by the fact that the ache in my heart is a growth ache. One much like my muscle ache, that will strengthen my spirit and build it into a beautiful (hopefully) thing. Overall I must focus on the positive side of things and be reminded of the fact that I have connected with another person (even if only for a time), I have learned so much about myself and changed a ton in the process, I have sparked a new passion inside of myself and hold onto the belief that I will achieve what I have always seen as 'the impossible' in the past.

At this point I know that if I held onto Dee as my trainer for longer I'd be ruining my chance to continue to learn and grow on my own and achieve only what I can achieve (at this point in my journey) on my own. Knowing this gives me strength and allowance to embrace these changes.

There is so much ahead for me and I look forward to seeing what happens ...

However right now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give myself a few moments to feel the pain of this healthy step forward.

(My throat hurts).

My Journey

Have you ever began a journey to a place you had every intention of going and yet ended up somewhere completely different? Somewhere, in fact, you did not even know existed?

I have, actually, I am. It may not surprise you that once again I am speaking of my ... hmmmm, I don't even know what to call it anymore because I'm learning more and more that it's not about weight loss, well let's just say the journey of acceptance in regards to my body.

When I started this particular trip it was not at all much different than those I've headed out on probably hundreds of times before (no kidding - hundreds).

I had no idea whether or not I would succeed, or what success would really look like. I was not sure how my body would change or if my spirit would transform a whole lot. I had no serious goals or aspirations but to do what I was told in the moment. I had no intentions of changing my lifestyle all that much or seeing myself any differently.

One thing I did know (or thought) was that when you begin a journey it has an end. In my mind the 'journey' would end when I reached my goal and that would be the end of it. I would get to go back to my old life only with a new body and perhaps if I was lucky a muscle or two in tow.

Most of all I believed that 6 months would have been more than enough to for me to get my crap together and figure everything out. Everything. My 'issues', the logistics of weight loss, how to love myself, how to enjoy my body. And of course I would automatically love and adore my new fit self.

I sit here exactly 6 months after my first of 50 sessions with Dee having learned so many things and at the same time still having to learn so very much.

I've already talked about the basic lessons in nutrition and physical fitness I have learned. I do believe they are the easy parts because, for the most part, they have concrete answers and guidelines people can follow.

Aside from those topics everything else has seemed to be shown to me in a completely unexpected and new way.

Here are some of the things I learned (and forgive me if they are repeats I've already mentioned in the past):

* Our journeys don't end officially until we die.

Even if we give up on them for a while or seemingly indefinitely, unless we are dead they are never over and we always, ALWAYS have a chance to keep going, learning and growing through them. I thought this whole thing would be like going to school and taking a class with a start date and a finish test. The strange thing is that it's ongoing, almost like everyday is THE test. Will I get up and workout today? Will I choose to put living food into my body this meal (no I don't mean a squawking chicken)? Will I see myself as beautiful in the mirror and beyond? Just like writing an essay, there are no write or wrong answers really, you're just always trying to do better to master your craft, and every day is a chance to do better at something. You never reach a finish. You may reach a goal but it's then you must create a new one otherwise you will sit down and go nowhere. We may need a little rest every once in a while but in the end we must always keep traveling.

* No matter how healthy I get I will always have the potential to fall back into my old lifestyle.

This one I learned from Dee who I will tell you is in peak condition. Or he was when I met him. About half way through he shared with me that he had fallen away from his strict nutrition and workouts and within a month he had increased his body fat from 7% to like 12%, it may have been more. Anyways it was a big deal for him (though I couldn't say I noticed) and he said he had just gotten used to being fit and eating whatever and letting go a bit. HE quickly realized that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. He's back on his program and is fine. IT was a wake up call for me to hear this. Not because I plan on being a wrestler, whipping around a ring half naked, but seeing someone who's job it is to be fit and in control fall out of that so easily it can definitely happen to me. This doesn't mean I can't enjoy some super yummy chocolate cake now and then, it just means I have to constantly be aware (no matter how fit I am) that this could and may always be struggle for me so I need to watch myself.

* No matter how much your body changes if your self image doesn't change too, it's all for nothing.

I have focused a lot of my efforts on learning and trying to apply practically the information I have absorbed. I have had some good success. The strange thing is if it weren't for a certain pair of pants that I recently got into for the first time comfortably (I have had them for a few years and have never worn them), I would honestly not notice much of a difference in my body, visually at least. I'm not sure if I've shared this before but I used to joke with Wally that if it wasn't for having to wear clothes I would not really have a huge issue with my body (this was before I lost some weight). I know this is odd but when I looked in the mirror I thought my body was ok, it was when I had to put tight, restrictive clothing on I had issues. The unfortunate part is that even now as I look in the mirror I see the same exact body as before. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either and that, I know, is a problem and a shame.

My self image is definitely something I want to work on in the next six months as I continue this unexpected journey. I know that I need to stop abhorring my hips and back fat and start appreciating how incredibly blessed I am to have a body that works, functions and gives so very much to me. I hope that I can begin to do the REAL work that is needed to accept the part of me that has no business defining me: my body.

I'm a little ashamed that I have not worked on this aspect more as I am quite sure it is likely the most important one to accept and understand. I guess this highlights something else I have learned along the way...

* It's ok to learn things entirely in your own time (and don't beat yourself up if it has taken you longer!!!)

I cannot count how many times I have said to Dee 'But those other people got to their goal weight in 12 weeks' which was always an interlude to one of his 'Oh my goodness!!! You've come so far already and you've only started!!' lectures. I have found it far too easy to focus on where I'm not rather than focusing on where I am that I often trip myself up. Yes, I am my own worst enemy at times. I am only beginning to accept MY timing and MY learning curve. I do celebrate the fact that I no longer feel anxious when time goes by and I haven't reached a set goal because 9 times out of 10 I have made a detour and learned something else very important along the way. I now try to allow myself time to figure things out on my own and I try not to rush it because I want to be real, I want this journey to be real. When I shared with Dee my worries about being done my training and feeling fearful of being an impostor at the gym, someone who comes in and looks like they know what they are doing but really haven't a clue. His response was 'You're as real as it gets' which helped me realize I am indeed my harshest critic and though it may take me longer than others to figure things out, when I do, it will be for real.

There you go, a little insight to what I've been dealing with over the past several months. I have a long way to go, more so in my head than anywhere else. When Dee asked me the other day how I felt about coming so far and doing so well. I replied 'When I am still working out here in 6 months, then 2 years, then after that, I will know I have succeeded.' He said in that moment I had made him really proud. I hope so because overall my thoughts have changed a lot. When I started my goals were about looking better and getting to a certain point, and I now realize that your main goals shouldn't be all about numbers really, they should be about taking care of yourself. In every way.

I want to do that now because I am still alive and I can.

I'll let you know how the self image thing goes.


And the next leg of the journey.

Cheers!

Long term stuff

As usual it never rains but when it pours with my blogging and well I think it's pouring right now...

There are a few things whirling about in my mind right now and not I just need to pick what thing I watch to catch and get it out. Give me a second ...

*snatches a thought*

Hmmmm, definitely appropriate for today. Ok so this I would or should be putting on my other blog but seeing as I've abandoned it for now it's going to end up here.

Today I am going to my third last training session with Dee. I have to say how surprised I am about how ready (in most ways) I feel about going at this alone.

I mean don't get me wrong I will miss him tons and tons. However he has ensured me that he will be around anytime I need him to answer any questions I have and help me out. That is definitely good to know and I believe him when he says this 100%.

More recently I have hurled myself from becoming educated about eating clean into the world of learning about different exercise, weight training, stretching, core strength and anything else I can get my hands onto.

I know, you'd think after 6 months with a trainer I should know everything I need to know. Dee would say I do, I would say I know the basics. I know that the basics are a good foundation but I have a very inquisitive mind that has a need to know why and how, how much and where things needs to be done. I have been watching a tv show incessantly that is keeping me sharp and alert to what I want and how I can get it.

It's amazing how much more you absorb when you are forced to figure things out on your own, and how much more of the 'why' that gets answered when you do this.

When I started out I did what I was told because I trusted Dee knew what he was doing. I never really questioned him or cared about why we did anything the way we did. Now that I know I will soon be by myself I cannot get enough answers. My research has proven very helpful (Dee was definitely a great source and has embraced my millions of questions the past several sessions).

This researching has certainly sparked an interest in the realm of fitness that I've always known was there. In fact I remember years ago telling one of my closest friends (whom I knew wouldn't laugh at me) that I felt deep inside there was an athlete inside of me. Someone who craved health and activity and who could be great at it. I actually told her that I honestly felt that I would love doing all the things I was too scared to try but that I didn't know how.

I realized the other day ... I know how. I am finally becoming what I knew was always buried deep inside.

Unfortunately it took my years to take a risk ad be vulnerable with someone to learn. And while learning over the past several moths it has taken me the entire time to realize that my focus about weight loss and fitness has been flawed all along. (I am thankful I realized this at 30 years of age and not 60!).

I used to look at exercise as a means to an end. For me that was always weight loss and smaller clothes. Now I look at exercise in many other ways...

The obvious is to enhance my health, to be fit, and take care of what I've been given. So many people I work with, due to brain damage, cannot make their bodies do what mine can do without a problem (theoretically at least). I get reminded of this everyday and I plan and hope to take advantage of this gift as often as I can.

When I began working out with Dee often to get through the workouts I'd just think of Vivvie and how she couldn't dance, feel the feeling of a good walk, run up the stairs or even go into half the stores at the mall because let me tell you they are anything but wheelchair accessible.

In my studies I've also learned about muscle memory and how if I was in a car accident tomorrow and was laid up in bed for a long time and lost what I have gained it is much easier to get back than if I'd never weight trained at all. Now I consider my training like an insurance policy.

Another thing I know is how great working out is for me mentally and emotionally. It is such a great stress reliever! (Especially box class).

Now, I won't lie to you I still stand in front of the mirror and check out my exceptionally (at least in my head) wide hips and wonder why I bother. The great part is I am getting to the point where I almost don't care about the aesthetic benefits (I said almost).

My focus has shifted dramatically from looking at a scale (I actually stopped weighing myself weeks ago) and my reflection, to seeing what challenge I can overcome at the gym or with my clean eating (and no I don't mean starving myself).

I asked Dee to give me a challenge to work on by myself. He did. Right now it seems impossible but I know I can do it and while I'm doing it and focusing on the right things the rest will come.

I'm actually thinking about someday becoming a trainer (well getting the paperwork, I really don't care if I ever do the job at this point). It would be a challenge to get in great physical condition (although, once again I know they aren't all in great shape, even though they look like it). And this is something I have learned happens over the long term not the short term.

I need long term goals, my short term list seems to be completely filled up!

Early retirement

Today I had one of those days that makes you wonder why you do what you do. The funny thing it wasn't what I was doing that made me wonder, it was the 'business' that goes along with it.

I briefly contemplated early retirement, then reminded myself to be careful what I wish for. I then took a few minutes to miss being self employed answering really only to myself. Of course this too has it's own set of challenges.

Recently I've noticed the great divide between many in management positions (I'm assuming in general) and those who spend their time primarily doing frontline work.

Days like today make me have to use every fiber of my being not to shout out in the middle of the office 'Seriously? Can you not read?' as I gazed at my highlighted, scribbled on mileage form that was placed back into my mailbox. It apparently had not held the all of the info that it was supposed to.

I was unusually frustrated at the dozen little notes written to me with obvious confusion and frustration on the judges part. Enough I nearly cried. Luckily I reminded myself that I was tired as it was my final day of work in my week and I had just finished an overnight a few hours prior.

I did not respond out loud as I did in my head ... this time. I instead bubbled and boiled to myself as I gazed over my sheet. From what I know it got approved ('this time').

I'm not sure why this incident bothered me so much. I'm not sure if it's because I have had my limit of encounters with management obsessing over crossed t's and dotted i's in select circumstances while seemingly missing the entire meaning behind what the i's and t's are spelling out in others. Or the fact that I wonder if they have indeed forgotten what all we do as support workers.

Whatever it is I am beginning to wonder how long I will be able to passionately embrace this field. It is so incredibly draining on so many levels.

There's the physical level of lifting, wiping, washing, sometimes hitting, hair pulling, along with the regular go, go , go schedule.

There's the emotional level of relating, empathizing, advocating, communicating, understanding, being patient, genuinely caring, and constantly drawing on energy from deep within to help you get through a stubborn situation of someone who really seems to be in another place.

The intellectual level of problem solving, being creative, teaching, understanding the flawed system of government and formal supports to make your way around, and dealing with the all important mileage sheets (that give you a tenth of a centimeter to write a novels worth of information in - yeah I'm still ticked off about that).

I was complaining to Wally tonight about how I worked so many hours. He asked how many. I said 'between 35-45 a week'. He replied 'You're working normal hours that everyone works!'

By no means do I think my job is the hardest in the world, or the most difficult, nor does it take the most brain power.

I do think that the best support workers limit their time doing frontline support work - for the good of all. By no means am I saying those that only work 35 hrs and under are the best at their job, just that to be the best you have to carefully and thoughtfully take care of yourself and recognize what's best for all involved.

I have quickly learned that there is very little money to be earned in human services really. And we get caught in the whirlwind of needing to survive that balloons into feeling entitled to the things we want. and why wouldn't we? Anyone that works hard deserves to enjoy the benefits of their labour. Unfortunately if you are a single and living on your own in this field this leaves you busting your butt day and night and getting over worked and under valued.

As I was driving home from a shift tonight I was thinking about how I really no longer desire to trade in my happiness and joy for a few more dollars. I briefly remembered how lucky I am to have a partner with a job to help pay the bills. Then I thought to myself 'What would I do without him?'

Monetarily speaking .... I knew the answer right away. I would own little and love it. I would not kill myself to own a house, or have a big apartment. In fact I would likely be living in an old couples' basement or sharing an apartment with some sketchy roommate. Who knows really? I just know that I have come to value my joy above my stuff and don't think I could go back. It's so not worth it.

I love the essence of my job.

I'm not fond of the neighborhood and the company the essence keeps. (Or should I say the company that surrounds the essence).

For now I will do my best to reign in my thoughts from coming out of my mouth often enough so that the higher ups aren't constantly considering coming down on me. And continue to look for ways to find a smile, a laugh and the joy in the time I spend with the people I support.

I'm in this field for a reason right now and while I'm here I might as well enjoy the scenery and learn everything I can because soon enough life changes and you miss what you once had.

(No I have no plans on another job anytime soon, however the best plans are thwarted often in a great story).

My new project

Ok so I only have a handful of minutes here it is ...

I have contacted the organization in Thai Thai and they have welcomed us to come and visit without any troubles.

Though there is much more planning to be done wally and I are tentatively planning on going to Thai Thai in January or February of next year (only 4-5 months away!!!).

I contacted Compasio a couple of weeks ago about visiting and about some sort of project I could post on my blog and facebook to work on while waiting for our trip. Something that could connect us a bit more to what they do so that when we arrive it won't seem so unfamiliar (what they do - I'll post more on that later).

Anyways I was given a short list of a couple of things I could work to fund raise for. Things that they really need and a few things that would just be nice to have.

As I got thinking of the projects to fund raise for I had the realization that most people doing service work abroad in this context have to raise their funds to go. Since Wally and I decided long ago that we wouldn't be doing that I had another thought: Why not raise the amount of money we would have for our trip over there only use it towards the needs they shared with us!! The amount we would need to raise would cover EVERYTHING they mentioned to me (like, their WHOLE list!!!).

I have already shared my thoughts with the organization and am now looking into how to connect up a system for collecting funds for these specific projects (I'm sure it's not that difficult, I'm just not tech savvy) on this blog and my facebook page.

My goal: $4000.00. Half of which I want to raise before we go (ideally it would be great to raise all of it but I do want to be prepared for the possibility it being a challenge).

I am confident that with the help of those around me and perhaps some creative fund raisers this can be done. It is something I believe it and plan to share.

*big sigh released*

What have I gotten myself into?


Something very ... worthwhile!!