Top Ten

Not sure what's wrong with me posting twice in a couple of hours, maybe I want to return to my day on a lighter note. (Seriously I can't wait to go public with my blog).

I decided that each week on my new blog I would have a Top Ten List. Of whatever. I would even offer to post other people's Top Ten Lists sometimes.

I just love lists that much.

So in light of this I am going to do this weeks Top Ten List...

Top Ten Things I Wouldn't Feel Sad About If They Never Happened Again:

1. My Muslim neighbour with the biggest heart ever, stopped telling me to go to get fertility treatments or at least see a dr. so that we could have our own baby. Because, she states 'It's a bigger love that grows in your heart, it's different'.

I feel the same way, only about adoption.

2. People I barely know on a personal level stop asking me if I've gone through fertility testing and treatments.

What the Harv?! How is it possibly your business? I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me because we may be able to have children, it really doesn't matter to us!!

3. Me just dropping my stuff on the floor when I walk in the door and leaving it for an entire week.

4. My dog eating blue peppers I leave on the floor because of number 3.

5. Wally and I getting over tired and snapping at each other.

6. My dogs scratching through the night.

7. Me feeling overwhelmed.

8. My nose turning red

9. My sink smelling mouldy

10. Cleaning out kitty litter boxes (that's right I don't even own cats but I still end up doing this!)

'Don't make me go!!!!'

Those are the words I said to Wally this morning as he was getting ready for work and I was trying to hide in the comfort of our bed.

Now I'm saying them to the dogs as I blog trying to avoid running before trying to avoid going to where i don't want to go.

I feel much like I did a few months ago when we got back from Thailand only it's intensified.

I am beginning to feel conviction set in to replace a mere desire to shake up the job situation.

It's like knowing right and wrong and blatantly choosing wrong even though you still feel the prickles in your heart to do right.

I remember when Wally and I were first married and lived very much in a faith based way. I'm not talking religion, I really do mean faith.

He'd get a call from the organization he worked for and be told: 'Next pay will be half as your fundraising has been down. It'll stay that way until you get more financial support'.

Though in the initial moment we felt stress we had no choice but to give it up and trust the God we gave our marriage to.

I remember one day when I realized losing a cleaning client or a piano student meant I was looking forward to either the rest God was granting me or the new people I would get a call from to work for them.

Never once were we failed.

Not once.

We made every mortgage payment, every car payment, every bill we had.

Only one time did we not have money up front and that was that Christmas lesson we learned from a near stranger who offered to pay our bill interest free until we had money to settle up. And in many ways I think that was a good lesson to learn, to see.

Since then our lives have changed so much. Though I believe God is the one who has provided for us in every way, He has also taught us how to provide for ourselves in many ways.

Ultimately I know He's the giver but I also know that He's very much the excited parent that is wanting to show us how to do things ourselves. This whole practice opens up the idea of us having to think on our own a bit more. Decide more for ourselves with the tools he's given.

This can be much more challenging than just saying: 'God will figure it out'.

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that God can and often does step in and do this, but I also believe there are times He doesn't because He wants to see how we're going to manage things with what He's given us.

Right now I feel I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out what to do with the tools He's given me.

He's given me faith, intelligence, desire, creativity, trust, abilities, wisdom, and some great lessons learned.

Now ... what to do with them?

Perhaps I just need to ask Him. Wow, what a novel idea.

Maybe I'll do that. And maybe He'll show me.

You'll never know until you ask.

It's nearly home time ...

Yup, time to sit in the circle, hold hands and sing the good bye song. Although I'm pretty sure if I requested this K and M would look at me like I'd lost my mind.

Side note:

The other day I made a deal - though one sided- with K and said 'Does that sound like a plan Stan?'

To which he replied: 'I don't know who Stan is.'

This vacation has been full of good times that I am thankful for. LOTS of kid time. Lots of girlfriend time (which mostly consisted of eating while watching food shows about not eating). Naps. Reading. A little blogging. Lots of thinking about becoming a parent.

The latter came up hourly really as I worried often I would not be able to handle any toddler, let alone one that would be new to our family and have one of their own already. I've questioned over and over this week whether Wally and I are ready for all of the challenges an older child adoption may hold for us and starting our parenting journey at such an especially challenging age.

I just pray that we are given all of the tools we need to be who we need to be for this new little one and each other through out the rest of our lives.

Although I know we really ought to only be concerned with one day at a time.

In 3 days we start our parenting classes for our adoption requirements. Yikes!!!

I sensed something different the week before coming on this trip. An urgency to get things done. An extra busyness above the 'week before vacation' feeling I usually get.

I have a feeling that once the plan hits the landing strip my wheels will just be starting up. And I'm not sure when they will stop.

Joy and I were chatting about the fact that she couldn't believe that she's due in 9 weeks and that really wasn't all that much time.

I stared at her in shock and said: 'In 9 weeks we'll be done our adoption course and we could potentially be waiting'.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

I. Just. Can't. Believe. It.

Shakes, girl talk and more thinkin'

My visit in a land far, far away from home has been good. I think it's timing was perfect not only for my friend Joy who is only a couple of weeks from welcoming her husband home from his 7 month deployment but also for myself.

Spending my week with a pregnant woman who is mothering a 4 1/2 year old and nearly 3 year old is in many ways exactly what I need.

I've witnessed a gentle love and correction from a mother with a teaching spirit that not only wants her children to behave and be good but also wants them to know the 'whys' to these things.

I genuinely believe she deserves a metal and a vacation. I'm sure she disagrees.

I've also enjoyed nap time, evening girl talk and way, way too much yummy food.

Seriously pumpkin pie shakes before 11 am aren't generally on the agenda (at all), but I won't lie, it's been fun. (Is it weird that we ate chocolate chip cookies while watching a documentary about becoming vegan for the health of it?)

Tonight we did something that I've decided is a new tradition. We did it the first time I came to visit a few years ago. Mac's photo booth.

We laughed until we cried.

I'm pretty sure we're becoming old people as it only took a couple of pictures to make us cry. Probably by the time I visit next we'll need some Depends.

I've also continued to work on some thoughts around my new blog, read a book about writing, and finally pick up the adoption book I've been fearing for weeks. But I think I may have mentioned that.

I'm glad I still have 2 more full days before my return (although I'm missing Wally and my pooches like crazy ... yes Wally, you most). I still have some thinking to do, there's still food to be eaten and definitely a few memories to be made.

I am already dreading Tuesday and going back to work.

I'm hoping that starting my new blog and continuing with my course will be energizing for me. I guess we'll see what happens...

In the mean time I will snuggle up to the stuffed doggie I rummaged out of not quite 3 yr old M's stuffed animal collection and sleep tight.

(Sorry if this wasn't exciting, I'm just trying to get in the habit of writing everyday:)

The dog's on the couch, but it's not my house

One great thing about being on vacation, away from your house, away from distractions, and visiting someone else's is that you have a chance to think differently.

For me sometimes it's overload because I get overwhelmed with what all to think about and process on a normal day let alone being plunked into a whole new world and perspective.

This morning I have 3 1/2 hrs of uninterrupted time to myself to do just that. Initially I was going to take off and check out some stores on my own but when I realized the house would be empty and it wasn't mine I thought 'Stay home and think! You can shop anytime!' (Besides I've already exceeded my non existent vacation budget).

That's the one great thing about going somewhere else. It's somewhere else. You can sit around and not have a hundred things to deter you from thinking since it's not your house, it's not your life, it's just your time. I can't feel guilty for not completing a chore since non of it is mine (and I already loaded the dishwasher so I don't even have to feel guilty about being a completely lazy house guest).

So one the four kids (2 were guests) and pregnant friend vacated the building I ran quickly to lock the door. Just kidding I just thought about running quickly to lock the door (I trust Joy knows the humour in this).

Nope, instead I abandoned the idea of running on my vacation as my VERY impaired sense of direction follows me everywhere and there's no way I could handle running and making sure no American grabbed my from the bushes to kidnap me, while trying to find my way through oddly set up streets. It's just too much for me.

I realized that it's totally ok to check my e-mail while sitting on the toilet (even though my eating as of late doesn't really promote a lot of action in that area - TMI deal with it) because no one would know. (Although at this point now everyone knows).

I looked up the nearest Walmart to scope something out for Wally.

I watched to dog walk sadly around her house and am now noticing she's laying in the couch all peace full. Um ... she's not really allowed on that couch. But she looks so peaceful I think I'll forget that I know that rule ... for a little while anyways.

Then I did my favourite thing in the world to do. I made a list.

For the first time in a while I sat down and actually thought deeply about what I was putting on the list.

I admit scratching down 'eggs', 'milk', 'call doctor' don't generally require much serious thought but many of the other lists I write down in hopes of completely changing my life just by writing them down do.

I hardly think because I wrote down 'do cardio three times a week' means I'm actually gong to do cardio three times a week. Although often when I'm making those lists that's what I'm hoping my microwave thoughts are going to do.

Unfortunately microwave lists generally yield microwave results and I end up throwing the list in the garbage, only to make the identical version a few weeks later.

Lately I've been having a very slow yet I blieve, very significant epiphany.

I have been realizing how much our culture goes after the results of something, and rather than pursuing to do the work to get the results and focusing on the principle of the actions that will yield the results, they make the result the goal.

I'm not sure if I made any sense there ...

Easiest example and the one that began opening my eyes:

As I travel north and south in my journey of weight and health and such in the past I have predominantly made my focus about the goal. I would decide that if I wasn't a certain number on the scale I wasn't doing well.

Who cared if I was eating artificial foods? Who cared if I was exercising? Who cared if I was cheating the system by binging at certain times an starving at others? My measurement was entirely by the scale.

Last year when the scale was my fickle friend. I decided I would give the old fashioned way a true try. I decided to only focus on eating whole foods for several months. That was my entire focus.

Without realizing it in a few months I had yielded myself a pretty acceptable, fit and healthy body.

No, I wasn't bikini ready (in my head I never will be) but I was my natural size, feeling good and not struggling near as much with mental games and emotional turmoil.

My focus was clear. My intentions were pure. The outcome was what I had always wanted.

When my focused changed and my weight went north and I began to panic my intentions were tainted, my heart changed and I began to look for ways to be able to have the same great results but with no intention of keeping my pure intentions: a healthy balanced lifestyle free of the mental games.

Anyways, what I'm trying to get across is that I have realized that with ANYTHING you pursue: a job you love, a better relationship, even a better body, your focus needs to be on the how than the what. If you resolve to accept that the how is nearly one in the same as the why you are on the fast (ok yet seemingly slow at times) road to what you actually want.

I'm not feeling particularly successful at the moment of articulating myself well.

Perhaps as times goes on I'll be able to share my gradually brightening epiphany with you.

I think I was initially talking about lists.

So I made a list today that actually felt like it served a real, true and practical purpose. I made a general one first with things like: writing everyday and being read, making money doing something I love, and loving my life.

Then I made a second list relating to the first one that will break it down in to a doable action.

For example: Writing every single day no matter whether it's a line, post, or a link and posting it. Completing my PT certification by spending 2 hrs each Monday working on it and reassessing my progress in a month. Writing down three things each day that were good about my day or that I'm thankful for.

These are very simple steps to take my life where I'd like to see it go.

In saying all these things I fully realize life happens and we can't all just plan everything according to our dreams. But we can tackle small steps, some days very tiny steps toward the direction we desire.

I guess you'll be reading more. Or should I say I'll be writing more.

I definitely shouldn't assume :)

Cheers!

On vacation!!

To start the fun off , Saturday when Wally went to print out my boarding pass exactly 24 hrs before my flight we realized my ticket wasn’t for Sunday at all. It was for Monday! Not generally a mistake you want to make when you are planning your holidays. In one way it was not a mistake just a misunderstanding as I did not book the ticket, my friend Joy did. And fortunately she knew what she was doing.

Anyhow after settling into the idea of getting a day of rest after all of Wally’s birthday festivities we enjoyed a relaxing Sunday together. I got a 5K run in this morning before being dropped off to the Airbus at 10 am. All was quiet and running smoothly until we got to the border.

That’s when things got a little intense.

I had my passport out, as did the 8 other passengers of the bus and my itinerary. No probs right?

Except for the part when the U.S. border official got to me and saw my itinerary and noticed the lack of a way home. Hmmmm …

Oops. I forgot about that part.

Joy and I had originally planned that I would be driving home with her across country with the kids to keep them company and then I would just get a one way ticket home.

I went ahead and got my ticket then Joy learned that she would have to leave for home earlier than planned due to her son starting school. She went ahead and booked another one way flight and airbus for me so that I could continue with our plans for my visit.

Sounds like a good solution.

Unless you are in a packed bus with 8 pairs of eyes staring you down because you may indeed hold everyone up from their vacations.

Yeah, I’m not generally the details person when it comes to trips. Give me my ticket and luggage and point me in the direction of the plane and I’m good. Beyond that I’m not really any help to anyone including myself.

(For example: When I go to the first airport I wandered a perimeter of about 5 feet for a few minutes until an airport worker came up to me and asked ‘Are you looking for something?’ and I replied ‘Departures?’ and this big hairy, burly man giggled (yes giggled) and told me where to go. Then I continued being lost, just on a different floor).

Anyhow, I said a few silent prayers and released myself to the fact I may not actually make my flight (as the official left us all for several minutes with my itinerary and did not look impressed, nor hopeful for me. In the end I write while in an airport so you can guess that I got the ‘Ma’am next time you MUST bring your full itinerary or you WON’T be allowed into the country’ talk. Insert *batting of the eyelashes* and a high yet soft pitched ‘Yes officer’.

Now fast forward to me in a frustrated yet somewhat silent rage of not being able to connect to the internet while putting in 4 hours at the airport.

Now let me fancy you with a list:
Top Ten Things I’d rather have skipped learning during my airport time …

1. People having loud yet private conversations on their cell phones for hours at a time.

I’m pretty sure these people make up things to talk about just so that they don’t have to quietly read a book. I mean it. They certainly aren’t talking about anything that matters. They just sit in their chairs and yap, going down their list of contacts putting in time. I get to be the lucky one that by the time the flight occurs I know their relationship issues, who’s birthday party is happening, why they are wearing white pants after labour day and who all did them wrong since they were in Kindergarten. If you’re gonna talk needlessly for hours on the phone find a booth!! I miss the concept of the phone booth (another good post on this one!)

2. Seeing everyone and their dog use their wi fi connection while I couldn’t seem to get mine running.

I swear the dogs even had laptops.

3. Wendy’s in the States don’t have chicken fingers!!!!

The injustices in this concept are monumental and devastating.

4. That you can’t say simply look for the word ‘Departures’ on signs to find where you are supposed to go.

Wally, you promised it would be that easy.

5. Candy is everywhere and it seems essential to the experience of the airport that I buy it up and eat it because what if my flight is cancelled (you know and I can’t get the free pretzels and pop they give you in flight).

This caused me to purchase 2 for $7 bags of chocolate covered pretzels and Twizzlers and eat them all immediately (and also getting chocolate smudged all over my ‘Out of Chocolate – Life is Crap’ t-shirt that I was wearing and making me feel guilty for parading around in Lu Lu lemon workout pants and amazing Reeboks.

6. I need the fancy wheely deals for my carry on bag (or have it be a back pack).

Because when you pack 4 books, three magazines, 2 knitting projects, a lap top, over night toiletries and 2 bags of candies that are irresistible, you have a hard time lugging it around (especially when you also have a purse with another book, wallet, cell phone, ipod and such as well).

7. Everyone should have personalized luggage.

Seriously, it should be mandatory.

8. Airport chairs ought not be put so close together.

Really, who is going to sit that close to a stranger?

9. All airports need to have a gym and sleeping quarters.

I just think it’s true.

10. There shouldn’t be a ‘Watch your step as you are getting off of the walkway’ recorded message repeating a thousand times especially with gates nearby.

I say if someone is lazy enough not to walk (ok, ok or just can’t) they should at least be able to recognize when to exit the moving floor.

Ok so my airport time wasn’t really that bad at all I was just observing.
I am now, as I write, safely in the land of warmth and hurricane season completing this post under a strawberry shortcake printed comforter (the old school kind!!) in a little girl’s room. I am so looking forward to some good friend talks and fun kid quirks for the remainder of the week.

You know, once the after effects of the liquorice, chocolate covered pretzels and Wendy’s from yesterday wear off.

Little Miss Not-So-Perfect

I'm in the midst of a very busy week that I am excited to say good bye to in some ways. It's just too busy to enjoy really.

Several weeks ago I ran into a friend (actually also a blog reader) who I hadn't seen in a while. WE chatted a bit in the grocery store and talked about getting together and she said 'I've thought about getting together but ... this is gonna sound bad ... you make me feel bad because you're doing so well with your healthy lifestyle and I'm not doing so great'. She apologized several times hoping I wouldn't feel bad and trying to ensure I wasn't offended.

I wasn't offended in the way she worried I might be.

I was ashamed and saddened that she thought I was doing better than any one else in the realm of my 'healthy lifestyle'.

I felt like a fraud.

I know I talk lots on this blog about trying healthy this and working out, and my running efforts. Even about successes in these areas. I have written honestly about my struggles. I will admit that I do try and share successes more than struggles for both my well being and the well being of those who read.

I'm not trying to lie about anything or be false when I swing towards the successes rather than the disappointments (which honestly there are more of than the successes). When I write so much of it is my heart and I often project what I hope for, what I want. I try to celebrate when I win because they are so much more rare. I also know as a reader I would rather rejoice in a win than constantly be brought down by failure and pessimism.

I also believe that I ALWAYS have hope and potential to do better. I truly believe that someday I will learn how to live free from my emotional pull towards the abuse of food.

So I want to apologize if I've ever made anyone feel as though I felt I was better than them or anything of the sort. If anything I could go on all day long about my constant failure.

For example today I had a serious meltdown that involved a prolonged session with Mrs. Field's and a prescription she handed me. Needless to say this evening I am feeling the overwhelming regret of yet another loss. Another shortcoming.

I am currently continuing to wrestle things out, emotionally, mentally and physically with what I put in my body.

The amount of thought that I expend on what goes in my body is never ending. Right now I would bet thousands of thoughts a day surround my mind regarding my nutritional intake. Some positive and free, many negative and agitated.

Last year when I decided to 'eat clean' it changed my lifestyle. Slowly but surely old habits crept in and have caused the battle to rage on.

For the amount of time I was free it felt amazing and was real. I pursue freedom again.

Just to recap: freedom doesn't equal a certain number (either on the scale or around my waist, though it will evidence itself through those means if those numbers aren't healthy for me).

Freedom does equal more energy in my mind freed up to think about things other than 'doing well with food today'.
Freedom is going into a store and not feeling immediate anxiety over if I'll 'mess up' my day or not.
Freedom is being comfortable with my choices and knowing they are good.
Freedom is safety.
Freedom is really living within the limits without noticing they are even there.

I am far from perfect. But I still pursue perfect freedom.

I will get there because I won't give up.

And to my friend who I met in the grocery store: I know you'll worry about what I thought after - don't! It's all good.