Well, my Sads have lifted mostly. I can't say I feel overly ambitious or motivated which seems to be a clinging symptom of the Sads. I know lots of people see this as normal but honestly I'm generally on the go and ready for the 'to do list'.
I generally enjoy a good rainy day but seeing as I have to enter it soon it's not so much my favourite thing.
Hmmmmmmm ... there's so much rumbling around my head yet not much at all.
Maybe today will be a bits and pieces day.
Here are a few of the bits and pieces of my mind...
I asked myself a question the other day. Who in my life do I envy? Who would I give anything to switch places with. The answer scared me a little and surprised me too.
The top two contenders were: a friend who is beautifully pregnant with her first child ( seriously - perfectly pregnant), and a friend who is traveling his way through the year and is currently in Israel perusing about.
I am honestly happy for both. They are fulfilling their dreams and entering new territories that I'm guessing they've always wanted to go to.
I think if I could I'd combine the two into one and that would be my dream.
No, I don't mean a travelling pregnant she-man that poses perfectly in front of historical places. I mean, the experience of motherhood, miracle of birth and excitement of a tiny human to meet and encounter the world with, AND the ability to roam the earth snapping photos and absorbing new sights, sounds, experiences.
These two things hold a tight race for the things I wish for most.
To be perfectly honest I'm not sure which one I want more. This surprises me a little. Ok a lot.
I have come to realize, after meeting some wonderful people who dare to live, that having a family and being a mom doesn't condemn you to a life of boredom and sameness.
Having kids doesn't make it impossible to live in another country, travel the world or try new things. In fact it may give you reason to do these things all the more. (It just may be far more difficult AND who knows if your child will be up to that kind of life physically/etc.
On the other hand there's travelling without limits. To give undivided attention to deeply explore and take in all that is new (or old) and process it. *sigh*
And then of course there is the fact that I at no point in my life want to waste any amount of moments wishing I were anywhere but where I am.
Nope, I really have no desire to do such a thing.
I was talking with Glo about her impending trip to Europe for a year as a nanny. She expressed how her Dad encouraged her to get rid of the stuff she wasn't taking with her and sell her car. Because, he cautioned, they could possibly hold her back, drag her down.
She expressed that she was not looking at this coming year as a temporary detour from things, but as part of her actual life, embracing it as part of what was supposed to be all the way along.
She had originally planned to get her masters degree. She now sees her trip to Europe as what was supposed to be all the way along.
How often do we miss that?
How often do we assume that our plans were the originals and what happens is how we 'fixed' it.
I won't get into the issue of Providence and how God plans things .... blah, blah, blah. Because I'm not trying to say that He plans bad things - I'll leave it at that.
I'm just trying to think a little differently about how our lives turn out rather than how we thought they would, and then our attitude towards whatever transpires.
Often I'll get bitter and cynical about marriage and life. How things don't happen the way you plan and stuff. I can really get all ranty.
I have to remind myself though that we have every opportunity to see life however we want to.
I can be bitter that I'm not a mom yet. I can be frustrated that I never traveled when I was younger. I can be confused as to what to do next. Or I can just accept the ways things have gone so far and enjoy the scenery along the way.
This doesn't answer my questions or even ease some of my fears but it lays to rest worrying about what has passed by.
So, here I sit awaiting for lightning to (figuratively) strike.
Here I sit trying not to figure out how to stay in the moment of my own life and enjoy it's view, rather than wishing I had someone else's.
Maybe my view's great. I just haven't taken the time to notice.
I will try. I will.
To my beautifully pregnant friend and my favourite traveling pal - I am not jealous but rather envious (in a good way): take pictures, absorb, enjoy, live and write down your experiences. They are a wonder.
I will do the same.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I bought lamps
They are really pretty.
The last time I bought lamps for our living room was 10 years ago when we got married. They were $100. I got 4 in a box that was approx. 1 square foot cube.
I mentioned before that we were actually decorating our living room. Will stuff we are actually purchasing from a store. That in our fairy world opinions matches 9who really knows, I'm no fashionista.
I bought 2 lamps so far. They sit on either side of the couch on the end tables.
They look kind of crystal like and are taller than our other ones. They have silver parts on them too.
The lamp shades are grey and square shaped. They match the mirror we bought while we were pretending to be fashionistas.
I tried reading my book this evening with the lamps on in the living room.
It's too dark. I guess they aren't very good lamps.
But they're pretty. And, they match.
I'll have to buy other lamps that actually give light (like the ones I bought in a box).
Sometimes I'm not practical.
Sometimes I don't care.
I bought lamps. They are pretty.
The last time I bought lamps for our living room was 10 years ago when we got married. They were $100. I got 4 in a box that was approx. 1 square foot cube.
I mentioned before that we were actually decorating our living room. Will stuff we are actually purchasing from a store. That in our fairy world opinions matches 9who really knows, I'm no fashionista.
I bought 2 lamps so far. They sit on either side of the couch on the end tables.
They look kind of crystal like and are taller than our other ones. They have silver parts on them too.
The lamp shades are grey and square shaped. They match the mirror we bought while we were pretending to be fashionistas.
I tried reading my book this evening with the lamps on in the living room.
It's too dark. I guess they aren't very good lamps.
But they're pretty. And, they match.
I'll have to buy other lamps that actually give light (like the ones I bought in a box).
Sometimes I'm not practical.
Sometimes I don't care.
I bought lamps. They are pretty.
Monday, April 18, 2011
:(
I'm struggling.
I have practically invited another case of the 'Sads' to come live with me.
It relieves me a bit that after waking up this morning with clear symptoms that I realize I haven't had them in a great while. But when I do feel them, my mind immediately goes to Bee.
My mind has actually been on Bee a lot lately. I thought of her several times while we were in Thailand, wondering if there were any dreams she had that got left behind. I thought of how life just goes on even when someone we care about is gone. Physically or relationally. That's the way we were made. To cope.
Today I am thinking of Bee because I feel sad. Not just sad, but like stuck in a deep hole that I am anxious about getting out of, really hoping someone notices I'm here and helps me out, sad.
I sense the heavy feeling that permeates my mind and spirit. I don't like it at all.
I know I'll be ok because there is a reason why the 'Sads' were brought on. Kinda like when you aren't surprised you get a cold after you spend hours in close proximity to someone who has a terrible cold. I wasn't shocked when I woke up this morning with these fretful symptoms.
Heavy hearted, no desire to get out of bed (red flag for me as it's generally hard to keep me in there!), no care in the world about what Wally is doing or how he's feeling, zero care for the fact that my list is waiting with easy items to check off that I know usually gets me excited to complete it. I don't care to e-mail anyone, clean anything, workout in anyway, or even eat. The eating one is another huge flag.
I just want to get warm, snuggle in my chair, turn the lights off and read a book (yes reading in the dark seems a little difficult), with Sweet on my lap (as long as it doesn't take his 20 minutes to get comfortable).
Some might say 'Just do what will make you feel comfortable' but they don't understand that the Sads can often breed off of this hopeless feeling. The Sads (if the Sads is what you have) will burrow further into your heart, like a tick does to your skin, and attach themselves if you aren't careful. Before you know it your sad feeling day turns into utter hopelessness and fear of facing .... well, anything.
I take comfort in the fact that my case of the Sads didn't come out of nowhere this time. They popped up out of an unresolved 'discussion', one that may appear to be nothing but in reality is a pretty big deal affecting my/our entire future.
It's not unfixable but it is uncomfortable, vulnerable and an unwanted issue at an inconvenient time.
I wonder how Bee's Sads started? I wonder if they came very gradually or rather abruptly? I wonder if she felt these things?
I'm guessing that she did, at least to some degree. Probably to a much more serious degree.
I often think of Bee and her outcome. It shakes me to the core some times at the reality of how the Sads can turn into something that is out of anyone's control really. Like a plague of the mind, unwilling to be contained or understood.
It grieves me to no end that Bee didn't win her struggle. She was such an amazing woman, and the outcome of her circumstances doesn't change my belief of that, it just makes me more disappointed in the truth of how finite we humans are.
Bee is free now, I have to hold onto that.
I will be ok.
I have practically invited another case of the 'Sads' to come live with me.
It relieves me a bit that after waking up this morning with clear symptoms that I realize I haven't had them in a great while. But when I do feel them, my mind immediately goes to Bee.
My mind has actually been on Bee a lot lately. I thought of her several times while we were in Thailand, wondering if there were any dreams she had that got left behind. I thought of how life just goes on even when someone we care about is gone. Physically or relationally. That's the way we were made. To cope.
Today I am thinking of Bee because I feel sad. Not just sad, but like stuck in a deep hole that I am anxious about getting out of, really hoping someone notices I'm here and helps me out, sad.
I sense the heavy feeling that permeates my mind and spirit. I don't like it at all.
I know I'll be ok because there is a reason why the 'Sads' were brought on. Kinda like when you aren't surprised you get a cold after you spend hours in close proximity to someone who has a terrible cold. I wasn't shocked when I woke up this morning with these fretful symptoms.
Heavy hearted, no desire to get out of bed (red flag for me as it's generally hard to keep me in there!), no care in the world about what Wally is doing or how he's feeling, zero care for the fact that my list is waiting with easy items to check off that I know usually gets me excited to complete it. I don't care to e-mail anyone, clean anything, workout in anyway, or even eat. The eating one is another huge flag.
I just want to get warm, snuggle in my chair, turn the lights off and read a book (yes reading in the dark seems a little difficult), with Sweet on my lap (as long as it doesn't take his 20 minutes to get comfortable).
Some might say 'Just do what will make you feel comfortable' but they don't understand that the Sads can often breed off of this hopeless feeling. The Sads (if the Sads is what you have) will burrow further into your heart, like a tick does to your skin, and attach themselves if you aren't careful. Before you know it your sad feeling day turns into utter hopelessness and fear of facing .... well, anything.
I take comfort in the fact that my case of the Sads didn't come out of nowhere this time. They popped up out of an unresolved 'discussion', one that may appear to be nothing but in reality is a pretty big deal affecting my/our entire future.
It's not unfixable but it is uncomfortable, vulnerable and an unwanted issue at an inconvenient time.
I wonder how Bee's Sads started? I wonder if they came very gradually or rather abruptly? I wonder if she felt these things?
I'm guessing that she did, at least to some degree. Probably to a much more serious degree.
I often think of Bee and her outcome. It shakes me to the core some times at the reality of how the Sads can turn into something that is out of anyone's control really. Like a plague of the mind, unwilling to be contained or understood.
It grieves me to no end that Bee didn't win her struggle. She was such an amazing woman, and the outcome of her circumstances doesn't change my belief of that, it just makes me more disappointed in the truth of how finite we humans are.
Bee is free now, I have to hold onto that.
I will be ok.
Friday, April 15, 2011
A Facebookless World
At this point in life I can't even imagine it!
Could you?
A world where you don't know what's happening in every one's lives around you? A world where you can't, with a few clicks of the mouse, know the low down on who's in what relationship, where some one's working or who's having a baby when.
Oh facebook.
I have big and very mixed feelings about this little virtual world.
I've talked to a handful of people that have at different times taken matters into their own hands and detached themselves from the drama that is facebook.
Most of them have taken LOAs (leave of absence)from it, few have fully committed to leaving it completely.
When asked why they have said 'It's just too much. Too much drama, miscommunication, and honestly I was addicted.'
I totally get it. I am a facebook-aholic.
I am the one who updates their status at least twice a day. I am the one who says more than they should. I am the one who gets misunderstood often. I am the one who's had friends delete them out of the blue.
Now I will tell you straight up honestly I am not someone who really gets all twelve year old girl like and worries about losing facebook friends pretending I was BFFs with everyone of them. I understand and appreciate when someone needs to make the right decision for themselves and 9 times out of 10 you weren't really friends anyways.
Recently though I noticed someone who up until lately I had been very very close with that was no longer on my list. I thought maybe that person just deleted their account but then saw that they were still friends with other mutual friends. This is still someone in my life so it wasn't a matter of 'oh they were just getting rid of the extras and really keeping the close ones'. I'm guessing there was more to the story.
Anyhow, this, along with my great addiction has got me seriously preparing to dislodge myself from the facebook society. If I'm that annoying or over the top that I'm shooing real friends away (or at least I thought they were) maybe it's time to cut the cord. (Not to mention the fact that if you have relatives that are already annoyed by you this just gives them 10 times the ammunition).
Maybe the friendship was done anyways and that's ok, different seasons require different people, but, why take the gamble.
Were we really meant to know everything about everyone all of the time? No.
Have you had a conversation with a facebook friend that you hadn't actually seen face to face in months? The conversation is like this:
'Hi! How have you been? (doesn't wait for you to answer) I see you went on a trip. It looked amazing!'
'Yeah it really was.' You say.
Pause...
You offer 'So you're getting married in Cuba? That's nice. In June eh? I hope you enjoy!'
They reply 'Yeah, so and so's annoying though, we had to kick them out of the bridal party.'
'Oh that's too bad.'
More weird silence.
You're 'friend' says 'Well, I better go. It was great to chat, we should do coffee sometime!'
'Yeah, right. See ya!' Then you feel relieved the run in is over.
I won't lie the benefits of facebook for me have far outweighed the cons for the most part. I've connected with people I would never have known otherwise, made and deepened friendships with people that I would never know now had I not been able to find them or have free access to bug them.
I even noticed at work after I had become facebook friends with many of my co workers that once they got to know the less quiet, more confident side of Eva there was more delight in our encounters. In fact I even told Wally that one day I noticed after the facebook introduction to my co workers, when I was running into them at work I could tell there was this look of expectation on their face. They saw me and were ready to be entertained by a story, funny comment or something.
It's actually a really strange feeling to have people act that way, and to know it was just from them seeing a little piece of yourself exposed in a realatively unreal place.
Of course with every positive there's a negative and I am now noticing or imagining my personality getting 'old' and grating on people's nerves. Perhaps why my friend deleted me.
Right now I am awaiting the completion of my Compasio 5K Fundraiser and probably my Garage sale fundraiser before pressing the morbid 'deactivation' button. (It is great for fundraising and I still have a ways to go).
I am both dreading it and looking forward to it. I guess I should work on getting e-mail addresses of those I do like to stay in touch with. I hope this will give my good friends and I a chance to really communicate and make more of an effort ot stay in touch - I seriously could make a living out of doing coffee.
I'm not saying I'm staying off of facebook forever - we'll see. But I am definitely taking a good long break from it.
The facebook world will never be the same ;)
Could you?
A world where you don't know what's happening in every one's lives around you? A world where you can't, with a few clicks of the mouse, know the low down on who's in what relationship, where some one's working or who's having a baby when.
Oh facebook.
I have big and very mixed feelings about this little virtual world.
I've talked to a handful of people that have at different times taken matters into their own hands and detached themselves from the drama that is facebook.
Most of them have taken LOAs (leave of absence)from it, few have fully committed to leaving it completely.
When asked why they have said 'It's just too much. Too much drama, miscommunication, and honestly I was addicted.'
I totally get it. I am a facebook-aholic.
I am the one who updates their status at least twice a day. I am the one who says more than they should. I am the one who gets misunderstood often. I am the one who's had friends delete them out of the blue.
Now I will tell you straight up honestly I am not someone who really gets all twelve year old girl like and worries about losing facebook friends pretending I was BFFs with everyone of them. I understand and appreciate when someone needs to make the right decision for themselves and 9 times out of 10 you weren't really friends anyways.
Recently though I noticed someone who up until lately I had been very very close with that was no longer on my list. I thought maybe that person just deleted their account but then saw that they were still friends with other mutual friends. This is still someone in my life so it wasn't a matter of 'oh they were just getting rid of the extras and really keeping the close ones'. I'm guessing there was more to the story.
Anyhow, this, along with my great addiction has got me seriously preparing to dislodge myself from the facebook society. If I'm that annoying or over the top that I'm shooing real friends away (or at least I thought they were) maybe it's time to cut the cord. (Not to mention the fact that if you have relatives that are already annoyed by you this just gives them 10 times the ammunition).
Maybe the friendship was done anyways and that's ok, different seasons require different people, but, why take the gamble.
Were we really meant to know everything about everyone all of the time? No.
Have you had a conversation with a facebook friend that you hadn't actually seen face to face in months? The conversation is like this:
'Hi! How have you been? (doesn't wait for you to answer) I see you went on a trip. It looked amazing!'
'Yeah it really was.' You say.
Pause...
You offer 'So you're getting married in Cuba? That's nice. In June eh? I hope you enjoy!'
They reply 'Yeah, so and so's annoying though, we had to kick them out of the bridal party.'
'Oh that's too bad.'
More weird silence.
You're 'friend' says 'Well, I better go. It was great to chat, we should do coffee sometime!'
'Yeah, right. See ya!' Then you feel relieved the run in is over.
I won't lie the benefits of facebook for me have far outweighed the cons for the most part. I've connected with people I would never have known otherwise, made and deepened friendships with people that I would never know now had I not been able to find them or have free access to bug them.
I even noticed at work after I had become facebook friends with many of my co workers that once they got to know the less quiet, more confident side of Eva there was more delight in our encounters. In fact I even told Wally that one day I noticed after the facebook introduction to my co workers, when I was running into them at work I could tell there was this look of expectation on their face. They saw me and were ready to be entertained by a story, funny comment or something.
It's actually a really strange feeling to have people act that way, and to know it was just from them seeing a little piece of yourself exposed in a realatively unreal place.
Of course with every positive there's a negative and I am now noticing or imagining my personality getting 'old' and grating on people's nerves. Perhaps why my friend deleted me.
Right now I am awaiting the completion of my Compasio 5K Fundraiser and probably my Garage sale fundraiser before pressing the morbid 'deactivation' button. (It is great for fundraising and I still have a ways to go).
I am both dreading it and looking forward to it. I guess I should work on getting e-mail addresses of those I do like to stay in touch with. I hope this will give my good friends and I a chance to really communicate and make more of an effort ot stay in touch - I seriously could make a living out of doing coffee.
I'm not saying I'm staying off of facebook forever - we'll see. But I am definitely taking a good long break from it.
The facebook world will never be the same ;)
'More time to myself'
I was spending some time with a friend the other day and that phrase came out of her mouth.
For some reason it struck me. Really struck me.
I'm not really sure why exactly. Maybe because that seems to be what every one (including myself) is running around in life trying to do.
The thing is .... really, who else does it belong to?
When I hear that phrase and think of my own 'time to myself' I immediately melt into a puddle of ahhhhhhhh.
What does it mean?
For me it's a gluttonous act of whatever I feel like. It could be reading a book in silence, eating my favourite snack alone, going to the book store (oh my goodness bookstores!!!!) just to look around, hoping I have money I forgot about living in my purse.
I means having nothing to do that I don't want to do, in otherwaords spending my time on me without any guilt what-so-ever.
I can only imagine how much the value of this experience goes up when you have children.
Is it a North American or Western thing to want time to yourself? Is it 'normal' to hope for or expect? Or is it something we used to have back int he day that got lost in the bustle of trying to achieve more than necessary in a shorter period of time?
I don't know the answer but I know that it's not a statement I want to have to say very often.
I think it's like hoping you'll get just one more gasp of air while fighting waves in the middle of an ocean. At least often that's how it feels when you are saying it. I know, I used to say it more often, and I still think it more than I should.
Could you imagine a life where we loved everything we did? Where we never longed for more of any good thing? Where we knew our limits?
Last night while out with that same friend I ordered a drink from Starbucks. the ladies who made it warned of great pleasure from it. They didn't lie.
I don't remember if there's ever been a time, at least not in my recent history, that I've enjoyed something so much.
I drank about an inch out of the grande cup and honestly felt like I'd taken so much enjoyment out of it thus far I needed no more. In fact I wondered if having more would ruin it.
Let me tell you, in the realm of tasting that's not something I experience often or maybe ever. It was almost a holy moment.
I savoured every taste for at least the first quarter of the drink. I would pick it up, hold it in my hands, feel the warmth. Then I'd stare at the artificial-but-who-cares whipped cream on top, and the perfectly drizzled caramel sauce on top in wonder.
I'd slowly bow my head towards the drink, close my eyes and let the white foam touch my lips adding a coolness. Then I'd tip the cup ever so gently forward so that the pool of hidden goodness under the sea of cream would invade my taste buds and flood my mouth.
Oh. My. Goodness. It was so wonderful.
I don't often enjoy something so much I want to take it slow. That pretty much applies to everything in my life. Once I know what I like I want to go after it full throttle so that I can just enjoy my new discovery.
This drink was different. It slowed me down and kept me in the moment of it's greatness. By doing so it enveloped me, slowed time and heightened every sense. It was good.
In a life that seems impossible to enjoy every moment or even catch a moment to enjoy maybe we should try to just take a couple each day to just sit still and absorb. Maybe some days they'll be rich with flavour, maybe some days they'll be a little flat and watered down. But I think we are hear to learn how to thirst for both at different times.
That all being said 'More time to myself' never seems like a chore to endure.
Does it?
Drink up whatever moment that you have today.
For some reason it struck me. Really struck me.
I'm not really sure why exactly. Maybe because that seems to be what every one (including myself) is running around in life trying to do.
The thing is .... really, who else does it belong to?
When I hear that phrase and think of my own 'time to myself' I immediately melt into a puddle of ahhhhhhhh.
What does it mean?
For me it's a gluttonous act of whatever I feel like. It could be reading a book in silence, eating my favourite snack alone, going to the book store (oh my goodness bookstores!!!!) just to look around, hoping I have money I forgot about living in my purse.
I means having nothing to do that I don't want to do, in otherwaords spending my time on me without any guilt what-so-ever.
I can only imagine how much the value of this experience goes up when you have children.
Is it a North American or Western thing to want time to yourself? Is it 'normal' to hope for or expect? Or is it something we used to have back int he day that got lost in the bustle of trying to achieve more than necessary in a shorter period of time?
I don't know the answer but I know that it's not a statement I want to have to say very often.
I think it's like hoping you'll get just one more gasp of air while fighting waves in the middle of an ocean. At least often that's how it feels when you are saying it. I know, I used to say it more often, and I still think it more than I should.
Could you imagine a life where we loved everything we did? Where we never longed for more of any good thing? Where we knew our limits?
Last night while out with that same friend I ordered a drink from Starbucks. the ladies who made it warned of great pleasure from it. They didn't lie.
I don't remember if there's ever been a time, at least not in my recent history, that I've enjoyed something so much.
I drank about an inch out of the grande cup and honestly felt like I'd taken so much enjoyment out of it thus far I needed no more. In fact I wondered if having more would ruin it.
Let me tell you, in the realm of tasting that's not something I experience often or maybe ever. It was almost a holy moment.
I savoured every taste for at least the first quarter of the drink. I would pick it up, hold it in my hands, feel the warmth. Then I'd stare at the artificial-but-who-cares whipped cream on top, and the perfectly drizzled caramel sauce on top in wonder.
I'd slowly bow my head towards the drink, close my eyes and let the white foam touch my lips adding a coolness. Then I'd tip the cup ever so gently forward so that the pool of hidden goodness under the sea of cream would invade my taste buds and flood my mouth.
Oh. My. Goodness. It was so wonderful.
I don't often enjoy something so much I want to take it slow. That pretty much applies to everything in my life. Once I know what I like I want to go after it full throttle so that I can just enjoy my new discovery.
This drink was different. It slowed me down and kept me in the moment of it's greatness. By doing so it enveloped me, slowed time and heightened every sense. It was good.
In a life that seems impossible to enjoy every moment or even catch a moment to enjoy maybe we should try to just take a couple each day to just sit still and absorb. Maybe some days they'll be rich with flavour, maybe some days they'll be a little flat and watered down. But I think we are hear to learn how to thirst for both at different times.
That all being said 'More time to myself' never seems like a chore to endure.
Does it?
Drink up whatever moment that you have today.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The aftermath
This is a bit weird for me to say but life is waaaaaay more different since we got back from Thailand than I ever thought it would be.
As I mentioned before I have guarded myself carefully from having any crazy, over-the-top experience that would leave me feeling more empty and cynical after the trip was over. (I'm cynical enough on my own!)
In doing so I kept a nice level head through out our stay and even upon our initial re-entry home. I guess that's why I am finding it so strange that I feel different several days after our return, I feel like our world is changing so much.
The obvious one I've talked about had been my decisions with work, exploring my options and just making sure that whatever I'm doing, I'm enjoying it, despite money and 'strings'.
These decisions have ultimately brought me a feeling of freedom. I know now the benefits of doing what you believe in faaaaaar outweigh doing things because of logistics. I wish I could convey this more clearly or in a more dramatic fashion but I'm not sure how.
I just feel so much lighter.
Up until yesterday I thought it was just my job that was changing (or perhaps my approach to it). Then I talked to Wally...
He had mentioned last week that he spoke again with the Vice President of the company he works for and now answers to regarding the recent departure of Wally's immediate boss. He had approached the VP regarding his boss's leaving and where that put Wally - he wanted to know straight up if there was a chance of advancement in the future.
As they spoke Wally learned that one of 2 things would happen: he'd either work towards the promotion and within the next 6 months have the position (which the company saw him very capable of), OR they may decide to go with some new system making Wally's job completely different and in fact NOT what he went to school for. He'd go from a Computer Programmer Analyst to a Business Analyst, he'd still do programming but mostly ... other stuff I don't get.
Wally warned me Monday night he had something to talk about but when I brought it up at home he just didn't feel like chatting so I figured it wasn't a big deal. Last night I reminded him again and that's when he told me that the company had decided already (it was supposed to take 6 months to a year!) they were going with some 'systems approach' and his job would soon be changing.
I began giving birth to several tiny kittens.
Wally continued looking at his ipod as if he just gave me the score of a baseball game neither of us cared about.
As the kittens came I squealed and questioned. Questioned and squealed. While Wally remained unfazed.
We had discussed this possibility last week talking excitedly about the possibilities in a couple of years of him looking for another job, maybe moving to another city, MAYBE taking time to go to Thailand again only longer (ok that was me mostly projecting my hopes and dreams). At the time we were kinda liking the idea of a new challenge ... in a couple of years though, not now. Or at least I wasn't liking it now.
And now, a day later, Wally still sits quite content with the possibility of trying something new, enjoying the respect of his position and new found relationships at work (work wise that is).
I have never seen him so content in his work.
Ever.
It's almost unnerving to me. Yet in a good way.
We've been married ten years. Not one of them was easy. But if each of them was there to make today as great as it is .... I'm glad we had them.
Our life isn't perfect, but it is stronger, gentler, more fun, happier and better than it's ever been.
Wally is fulfilled and nothing could be more fulfilling to me at this time in my life.
As I mentioned before I have guarded myself carefully from having any crazy, over-the-top experience that would leave me feeling more empty and cynical after the trip was over. (I'm cynical enough on my own!)
In doing so I kept a nice level head through out our stay and even upon our initial re-entry home. I guess that's why I am finding it so strange that I feel different several days after our return, I feel like our world is changing so much.
The obvious one I've talked about had been my decisions with work, exploring my options and just making sure that whatever I'm doing, I'm enjoying it, despite money and 'strings'.
These decisions have ultimately brought me a feeling of freedom. I know now the benefits of doing what you believe in faaaaaar outweigh doing things because of logistics. I wish I could convey this more clearly or in a more dramatic fashion but I'm not sure how.
I just feel so much lighter.
Up until yesterday I thought it was just my job that was changing (or perhaps my approach to it). Then I talked to Wally...
He had mentioned last week that he spoke again with the Vice President of the company he works for and now answers to regarding the recent departure of Wally's immediate boss. He had approached the VP regarding his boss's leaving and where that put Wally - he wanted to know straight up if there was a chance of advancement in the future.
As they spoke Wally learned that one of 2 things would happen: he'd either work towards the promotion and within the next 6 months have the position (which the company saw him very capable of), OR they may decide to go with some new system making Wally's job completely different and in fact NOT what he went to school for. He'd go from a Computer Programmer Analyst to a Business Analyst, he'd still do programming but mostly ... other stuff I don't get.
Wally warned me Monday night he had something to talk about but when I brought it up at home he just didn't feel like chatting so I figured it wasn't a big deal. Last night I reminded him again and that's when he told me that the company had decided already (it was supposed to take 6 months to a year!) they were going with some 'systems approach' and his job would soon be changing.
I began giving birth to several tiny kittens.
Wally continued looking at his ipod as if he just gave me the score of a baseball game neither of us cared about.
As the kittens came I squealed and questioned. Questioned and squealed. While Wally remained unfazed.
We had discussed this possibility last week talking excitedly about the possibilities in a couple of years of him looking for another job, maybe moving to another city, MAYBE taking time to go to Thailand again only longer (ok that was me mostly projecting my hopes and dreams). At the time we were kinda liking the idea of a new challenge ... in a couple of years though, not now. Or at least I wasn't liking it now.
And now, a day later, Wally still sits quite content with the possibility of trying something new, enjoying the respect of his position and new found relationships at work (work wise that is).
I have never seen him so content in his work.
Ever.
It's almost unnerving to me. Yet in a good way.
We've been married ten years. Not one of them was easy. But if each of them was there to make today as great as it is .... I'm glad we had them.
Our life isn't perfect, but it is stronger, gentler, more fun, happier and better than it's ever been.
Wally is fulfilled and nothing could be more fulfilling to me at this time in my life.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I'm a runner ...
Running.
My new thing.
Well, sort of. I kind of feel like a fraud saying I'm a runner.
I mean, I wear real underwear that bunches up (and don't care who knows it), I don't have any special running gear like a 'breathable jacket', an armband for my ipod (yet), or the 'I'm so cool, this is so freakin' easy, I don't even sweat' look while I'm doing it.
Nope. That's so not me.
A couple days ago when I was out doing my very first run outside (ever) within minutes my ipod (which was Wally's and he gave it to my under strict directions to take good care of it, as I have a reputation of ... losing, scratching and breaking things like that) went flying out of my pocket onto the grass.
Let's just say it's hard to look graceful picking up an ipod off the groudn while still trying to maintain cool athelete mode. It was Sunday morning, no one was around. Thank God.
I can't talk about my lack of great appearance in the sport without mentioning my rooster hair (why would I fix it when I'm gonna have a shower later anyways?!), or my blazing red Rudolf nose (well, I can run in the fog without fear).
All these things combined create quite an entertaining scene, one I wasn't too sure about taking on the road - literally.
But I did last Sunday because in less than 3 weeks I want to achieve my 5K running goal. One I set mysefl up for nicely by turning it into a fund raising event. I really wasn't having any sorts of doubts about being able to achieve this until I got sick the week before we left for Thailand. I remember trying to do my second 25 minute run and barely making 12. My head, nor my heart were in it, let alone my body.
I knew I had to rest. Then of course we were away for 2 weeks at which point I had no plans what so ever of running in any sort of heat, as I was used to the depths of our Canadian winter. We did get plenty of exercise riding our bicycles but that's not the same.
When we got home I worried as it had been 3 weeks plus since running and I had a serious case of jetlag (which I've just overcome!!!). I tried one run on the treadmill and it was sad but I tried. That was my only comfort.
Great spring weather was ushered in on the weekend so I decided 'it's now or never'. My first goal was 10 mins jogging, 5 mins walking, then 10 mins jogging outside. It's one of the workouts they give you before you're hurled into the crazy 20 min run.
Well I did it. Which was a relief because it seems to be that everyone believes that when I say: 'I gonna do blah, blah and blah' that I'm actually gonna do it!!!
It's kind of funny to me when people refer to my 'adventurous spirit' (had that one several times lately from many different people), or my 'zest for life', or my 'crazy ideas'. I seriously always respond in my head with 'WHAT?! You don't know very many exciting people then!'
I'm so incredibly ... run of the mill, not to mention a fraidy cat.
I dont' mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I realize that I'm just normal. I havent' lived in another country, I still keep every receipt from every special trip, I have a regular job, and I thoroughly annoy lots of people (maybe there's something to be said for that -ha ha ha!!).
Anyhoo, I definitely have wondered about this running thing BUT am determined to finish. Today I ran 21 mins straight outside. Or in my language: six songs.
Here are a few things I observed while running:
The first 5-10 mins seem like absolute torture (considering I only run for 20 straight right now I'm not a fan of that ratio).
While being tortured I realize I'm in love with children's sidewalk chalk drawings, they make me smile big every time I see some (even if I've seen them 3 days in a row!). They make things so much better.
As I continue on I decide I love crescents. They're great! You can go down one and know that in a couple mins you will end up on the very same street again - no worries!!! For a girl who is seriously directionally challenged and who lives in a subdivision this is amazing.
Minute 13 - I discover that by pretending a song was written and sung only for me I pretty much feel like I'm a superstar, which makes me think: 'Hells yeah I'm a runner!'
About 15 mins in I wonder who the hell came up with this goal. I hate them. I contemplate quitting.
16 mins in I decide not to because there'll be at least 5 people a the 5K fund raiser and I must live up to the moment. Even if I'm dying and I have four people walking my sorry legs to the finish line.
17-19 mins of the run I visualize a ridiculous slow motion scene of me crossing the finish line with crowds of people squirting their water bottles at me and hugging on me while I do the ugly cry and not care that I look like I was just run over by a train. (I'd better work on a finish line .... and recruiting people to squirt water bottles. Maybe a make up artist would be a smart way to go too).
At 20 mins I think 'I could totally run further'.
Around 21-22 mins my six songs are done and my favourite one to celebrate my success comes on. 'Perfect' by Pink. Love Pink.
Then I walk myself towards home happy with achieving my day's running goal.
Once I get near my block I begin jogging again, just in case the neighbours think I have wimped out half way through and are onto my 'I'm a runner' facade.
Once I get into the house I realize that the side of our crescent I ran up never saw me running in the first place so I could've just passed for a walker. The added torture was in vain.
Oh well.
I'm a runner .... sort of.
My new thing.
Well, sort of. I kind of feel like a fraud saying I'm a runner.
I mean, I wear real underwear that bunches up (and don't care who knows it), I don't have any special running gear like a 'breathable jacket', an armband for my ipod (yet), or the 'I'm so cool, this is so freakin' easy, I don't even sweat' look while I'm doing it.
Nope. That's so not me.
A couple days ago when I was out doing my very first run outside (ever) within minutes my ipod (which was Wally's and he gave it to my under strict directions to take good care of it, as I have a reputation of ... losing, scratching and breaking things like that) went flying out of my pocket onto the grass.
Let's just say it's hard to look graceful picking up an ipod off the groudn while still trying to maintain cool athelete mode. It was Sunday morning, no one was around. Thank God.
I can't talk about my lack of great appearance in the sport without mentioning my rooster hair (why would I fix it when I'm gonna have a shower later anyways?!), or my blazing red Rudolf nose (well, I can run in the fog without fear).
All these things combined create quite an entertaining scene, one I wasn't too sure about taking on the road - literally.
But I did last Sunday because in less than 3 weeks I want to achieve my 5K running goal. One I set mysefl up for nicely by turning it into a fund raising event. I really wasn't having any sorts of doubts about being able to achieve this until I got sick the week before we left for Thailand. I remember trying to do my second 25 minute run and barely making 12. My head, nor my heart were in it, let alone my body.
I knew I had to rest. Then of course we were away for 2 weeks at which point I had no plans what so ever of running in any sort of heat, as I was used to the depths of our Canadian winter. We did get plenty of exercise riding our bicycles but that's not the same.
When we got home I worried as it had been 3 weeks plus since running and I had a serious case of jetlag (which I've just overcome!!!). I tried one run on the treadmill and it was sad but I tried. That was my only comfort.
Great spring weather was ushered in on the weekend so I decided 'it's now or never'. My first goal was 10 mins jogging, 5 mins walking, then 10 mins jogging outside. It's one of the workouts they give you before you're hurled into the crazy 20 min run.
Well I did it. Which was a relief because it seems to be that everyone believes that when I say: 'I gonna do blah, blah and blah' that I'm actually gonna do it!!!
It's kind of funny to me when people refer to my 'adventurous spirit' (had that one several times lately from many different people), or my 'zest for life', or my 'crazy ideas'. I seriously always respond in my head with 'WHAT?! You don't know very many exciting people then!'
I'm so incredibly ... run of the mill, not to mention a fraidy cat.
I dont' mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I realize that I'm just normal. I havent' lived in another country, I still keep every receipt from every special trip, I have a regular job, and I thoroughly annoy lots of people (maybe there's something to be said for that -ha ha ha!!).
Anyhoo, I definitely have wondered about this running thing BUT am determined to finish. Today I ran 21 mins straight outside. Or in my language: six songs.
Here are a few things I observed while running:
The first 5-10 mins seem like absolute torture (considering I only run for 20 straight right now I'm not a fan of that ratio).
While being tortured I realize I'm in love with children's sidewalk chalk drawings, they make me smile big every time I see some (even if I've seen them 3 days in a row!). They make things so much better.
As I continue on I decide I love crescents. They're great! You can go down one and know that in a couple mins you will end up on the very same street again - no worries!!! For a girl who is seriously directionally challenged and who lives in a subdivision this is amazing.
Minute 13 - I discover that by pretending a song was written and sung only for me I pretty much feel like I'm a superstar, which makes me think: 'Hells yeah I'm a runner!'
About 15 mins in I wonder who the hell came up with this goal. I hate them. I contemplate quitting.
16 mins in I decide not to because there'll be at least 5 people a the 5K fund raiser and I must live up to the moment. Even if I'm dying and I have four people walking my sorry legs to the finish line.
17-19 mins of the run I visualize a ridiculous slow motion scene of me crossing the finish line with crowds of people squirting their water bottles at me and hugging on me while I do the ugly cry and not care that I look like I was just run over by a train. (I'd better work on a finish line .... and recruiting people to squirt water bottles. Maybe a make up artist would be a smart way to go too).
At 20 mins I think 'I could totally run further'.
Around 21-22 mins my six songs are done and my favourite one to celebrate my success comes on. 'Perfect' by Pink. Love Pink.
Then I walk myself towards home happy with achieving my day's running goal.
Once I get near my block I begin jogging again, just in case the neighbours think I have wimped out half way through and are onto my 'I'm a runner' facade.
Once I get into the house I realize that the side of our crescent I ran up never saw me running in the first place so I could've just passed for a walker. The added torture was in vain.
Oh well.
I'm a runner .... sort of.
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