A tie for first

Well, my Sads have lifted mostly. I can't say I feel overly ambitious or motivated which seems to be a clinging symptom of the Sads. I know lots of people see this as normal but honestly I'm generally on the go and ready for the 'to do list'.

I generally enjoy a good rainy day but seeing as I have to enter it soon it's not so much my favourite thing.

Hmmmmmmm ... there's so much rumbling around my head yet not much at all.

Maybe today will be a bits and pieces day.

Here are a few of the bits and pieces of my mind...

I asked myself a question the other day. Who in my life do I envy? Who would I give anything to switch places with. The answer scared me a little and surprised me too.

The top two contenders were: a friend who is beautifully pregnant with her first child ( seriously - perfectly pregnant), and a friend who is traveling his way through the year and is currently in Israel perusing about.

I am honestly happy for both. They are fulfilling their dreams and entering new territories that I'm guessing they've always wanted to go to.

I think if I could I'd combine the two into one and that would be my dream.

No, I don't mean a travelling pregnant she-man that poses perfectly in front of historical places. I mean, the experience of motherhood, miracle of birth and excitement of a tiny human to meet and encounter the world with, AND the ability to roam the earth snapping photos and absorbing new sights, sounds, experiences.

These two things hold a tight race for the things I wish for most.

To be perfectly honest I'm not sure which one I want more. This surprises me a little. Ok a lot.

I have come to realize, after meeting some wonderful people who dare to live, that having a family and being a mom doesn't condemn you to a life of boredom and sameness.

Having kids doesn't make it impossible to live in another country, travel the world or try new things. In fact it may give you reason to do these things all the more. (It just may be far more difficult AND who knows if your child will be up to that kind of life physically/etc.

On the other hand there's travelling without limits. To give undivided attention to deeply explore and take in all that is new (or old) and process it. *sigh*

And then of course there is the fact that I at no point in my life want to waste any amount of moments wishing I were anywhere but where I am.

Nope, I really have no desire to do such a thing.

I was talking with Glo about her impending trip to Europe for a year as a nanny. She expressed how her Dad encouraged her to get rid of the stuff she wasn't taking with her and sell her car. Because, he cautioned, they could possibly hold her back, drag her down.

She expressed that she was not looking at this coming year as a temporary detour from things, but as part of her actual life, embracing it as part of what was supposed to be all the way along.

She had originally planned to get her masters degree. She now sees her trip to Europe as what was supposed to be all the way along.

How often do we miss that?

How often do we assume that our plans were the originals and what happens is how we 'fixed' it.

I won't get into the issue of Providence and how God plans things .... blah, blah, blah. Because I'm not trying to say that He plans bad things - I'll leave it at that.

I'm just trying to think a little differently about how our lives turn out rather than how we thought they would, and then our attitude towards whatever transpires.

Often I'll get bitter and cynical about marriage and life. How things don't happen the way you plan and stuff. I can really get all ranty.

I have to remind myself though that we have every opportunity to see life however we want to.

I can be bitter that I'm not a mom yet. I can be frustrated that I never traveled when I was younger. I can be confused as to what to do next. Or I can just accept the ways things have gone so far and enjoy the scenery along the way.

This doesn't answer my questions or even ease some of my fears but it lays to rest worrying about what has passed by.

So, here I sit awaiting for lightning to (figuratively) strike.

Here I sit trying not to figure out how to stay in the moment of my own life and enjoy it's view, rather than wishing I had someone else's.

Maybe my view's great. I just haven't taken the time to notice.

I will try. I will.

To my beautifully pregnant friend and my favourite traveling pal - I am not jealous but rather envious (in a good way): take pictures, absorb, enjoy, live and write down your experiences. They are a wonder.

I will do the same.