Day 7 of Successfulness

Against my better judgment I got weighed in today. Then as I was on the scale I remembered it didn't matter as long as I didn't look again.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Apparently I lost a pound. Apparently a guy in the competition lost 12. Whatever. He doesn't carry the weight of procreating on his shoulders (or hips). Of course he can lose the weight.

I was impressed with losing a pound considering I was just buckled in 2 1/2 days ago.

Changing the subject.

I need a challenge. I'm feeling a little bored. Not really with work yet as I am training a bazillion hours a day. But in life.

I feel like now that school is over I don't have an admirable goal. You know, something to brag about.

I will admit I find it very difficult planning anything around my work right now. It'll probably be like this for the next few months. Wally and I found out a few days ago that we are going to need to purchase a second vehicle, as he is commuting 50 minutes to and from work every day. We really had hoped not to have to and thought we had something worked out with my parents (getting rid of their old car) but that fell through. We are so enjoying being debt free right now, we didn't want to lose that, however C'est la vie right? We've been spoiled since we sold our home.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes, bored. So I want to do something. Learn something. Engage in something. Look forward to something, yet enjoy the process of getting it.

Since we moved here I've wanted to try some sort of dance class. I really don't care what just something to get me movin' and havin' fun at the same time.

I've thought about putting my cake decorating set to good use and taking a class - meeting new people. Now it doesn't sound that fun. Also thought about I could take a course at the college or something but I can get free day workshops through work.

Maybe I should just make it a priority to do something different. Why haven't I already learned this lesson? I should know this by now.

I am considering a trip to Thailand next spring for 2 weeks. It's that 'mission' trip I've always wanted to take. A friend of mine offered to travel with me and go. I asked Wally if there's a chance he may consider it. His considering may take some time. I definitely look forward to that but it is a ways off.

I like to be in the state f enjoyment - you know like in my 40 Days thing. I felt very alive doing that. Constantly learning something new about myself and those around me. Though originally it wasn't really relationally based, it turned out to be a very relational activity. It was outside of my box and fun too. Hmmmm. I've got to keep thinking.

I miss relationships, I think I want to do something that will nurture that part of me.

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

Day 6 of Stupidness to be renamed Successfullness

Yeah I'm trying to stay positive.

The ride on the wagon today was pleasurable. Comfortable and easy. Put my hand outside of the confines of the body of the wagon and felt the wind blow through my fingers. It felt freeing.

In other news ...

Apparently I could be the first person to die of the common cold and I'm the only one who knows this.

I learned today that I am not a fan of Enriche Iglesias. At all. Fingernails on a freakin' chalk board.

I'm convinced my nose ran away with the spoon and may never return.

I found out that there is good reason for warnings regarding drowsiness on cold and sinus medication. It was like my eyelids were in a weight lifting competition.

Sometimes I find the people I shadow with at work far more draining than the people I support .... sigh

I love having a 'connection' with someone - I got that today with someone new I am supporting, should be interesting.

I sent out several 'save the date' facebook notices (like 75) and have heard from only 5 people. Apparently I'm not the hippest act in town.

The 5 people that I have heard from are clearly the most important ones that will be there.

I guess I can't be honest about EVERYTHING on here because I just erased my last point.

I'm considering starting to carry a pen and notepad with me to remember my clever observations during the day. That's not too weird, is it? Maybe don't answer that one.

I love getting real e-mail. Seriously the sight of a number beside my 'inbox' gets me all excited. (In a completely ok way).

Did I mentioned that I finished my book the other night when I was up late? I already miss it. I feel like I need to write it a love letter.

I need to get reading another book (shhhhh ... don't tell the other one).

Tonight I plan to sleep throughout the night in it's entirety. I worked another 13 hour day and have a 10 hour day tomorrow, I am determined.

Thoughts in the Night

I am once again up in the night. This time because I just got run over by a truck. It doesn't feel good to get run over by a truck. To top it off I had a Charlie horse a couple of hours into my sleep. Not cool.

I'm glad that when ever I get them I am deeply sleeping (at least initially). Seriously I inevitably end up grabbing whatever part of Wally is closest to me and squeezing it with all of my might. Then immediately begin to sound like I am going into labour.

I'm glad he grabs my hand back and helps me breathe because if it were me I'm probably slug him and tell him to get over it and go back to sleep. Wally's nicer than me a lot of the time. Maybe I should work on that.

On to other things...

I think I know why I haven't' tried to tell you about my work more. It seems like a huge mountain to try to climb in trying to explain stuff. I mean I went to school for 2 years and I feel like it's my job to educate everyone else on the truth about people with disabilities but have no idea where to start. I need to relax and just tell stories. Jesus did a lot of that. I think he was probably on the right track.

Hmmmm... what to tell...

The other day on my facebook one of my 'friends' posted something in their status that read like this: "'I love someone with Down Syndrome' If you know someone with Down Syndrome post this in your status for awareness."

Ok so that wasn't the exact quote but it was along that line. Now, before I went to school I may have done it - you know, to show support, or awareness or something.

But the first thing I thought of when I read it the other day was: 'How does loving a person with a certain disability show awareness for anything? And why the heck is it that big a deal?' I was instantly irritated then quickly reminded myself that the only reason I was bothered, was because I had been educated a tiny bit on people with disabilities. That doesn't mean I know 'all things disability related' but I have definitely had my mind opened up completely by just doing the work that I do.

Did you know that people with disabilities all have feelings/emotions? Whether they know how to communicate with you or not. They also have preferences. Seriously. They know how to pick what movie they want to watch, what pants they would like to wear and what food they'd like to eat. On the odd instance that someone shows no preference it's usually because they cannot communicate it successfully to you, not because they don't have one.

Here are a few examples: BB loves all things Disney, loves them. Owns every Disney movie and also loves Julie Andrews. Why? I really don't know but why do you love what you love? Theo loves Elvis. I mean LOVES Elvis. When I first went into Theo's apartment I was overwhelmed at how much paraphernalia there was about the King of Rock and Roll. I'm sure Theo could have his own museum. Then there's Trudy who likes to be called Bobbie. She has to get her King Kong fix everyday. And not the new King Kong, the old King Kong. I watched it with her yesterday and decided movies had changed a bit since way back when. Everyday.

I remember this being one of the first things I learned. 'They' are regular people with different abilities than me. 'They' are not Down Syndrome or Prader Willi, they are not Fragile X, Obsessive Compulsive, Bipolar, Autistic or any other of the thousands of diagnosis' there are now a days. 'They' are simply people first.

At the beginning of my career, not too long ago, I remember wondering how I would talk to 'them', or what I would do with 'them', how would I react to 'them'. I soon had to lose the 'them' and 'me' mentality. I'm still working on this one.

One of the best things I've ever been able to witness was on my very first day of placement. It was a Wednesday morning at 10 am, but you could have fooled me. Within 15 minutes the little gym in the building I was doing my placement at was filled to the brim with people from different agencies all through out the city - coming with only one thing in mind ... KARAOKE baby!!!

In a matter of a few brief minutes the gym was turned into a night club and I had to seriously wonder if there hadn't been a time warp and it wasn't Friday night at 11pm. Music was up, the dancin' was on, people were ready for their weekly fix. They were ready to grove.

The memory of that day and the many Wednesdays that followed will never leave my mind. It was one of the most valiant displays of life I had ever seen. No mater what the personality seemed to be of the person supported they were lovin' the music. I saw one lady who I later noticed barely said 2 words throughout the day and generally sits in the same spot quiet as a mouse, get up and seriously show some moves. I don't mean just a little arm wave and body sway. I mean this woman was the music.

This experience became a turning point in how I looked at those with different abilities. It was a time I looked forward to every week because I selfishly enjoyed watching others lose all inhibitions and be themselves in joy. I secretly was jealous that they knew how to do this. I had to remind myself that for many of the people there it's the one thing in their lives they are allowed to enjoy without being told how to do so.

At my new place of employment we have our own Karaoke night every other week. It's not big and loud like the one I first enjoyed. It's actually kinda small, with an acoustic feel, but boy can the people that come out have a good time. I always look forward to Joanne's dance moves and Lynn's rendition of 'Blue Suede Shoes'.

It's just regular people having a whole lot of fun. When was the last time you had the time of your life with no inhibitions?

We could stand to learn a thing or two.

Day 5 of Stupidness

Barely got any sleep at all lastnight. Woke up with a nasty croopy cough and a nose that was acting like it was in the 100 meter sprint in the Olympics. My eyes also felt as though they may start to leak.

Not so swell. However I was buckled tightly into my seat on the wagon. It was nice, comfortable and kinda shiny.

I had made my immaculate lunch the evening before as well as my supper for my first day on the road on the wagon.

I got to work and realized my lunch of perfection (and my supper) were still at home. I decided mentally I didn't think I'd make it through the day. Then my mind split in two and had a very intense debate that resulted in my fulfilling my commitment to work 11 hours today.

I met with my supervisor and filled up my schedule for til the end of January with 44 hours a week. Well one week was only 42 she said 'I think it's ok not to work 44 hours, just because you can.' I mentally disagreed and clearly forgot that I was dying.

I had an hour between shifts, I walked the poochies, ate my healthy lunch and watched 2 minutes of commercials on t.v. I noticed that someone knew exactly what I needed when a KFC commercial came on, followed by a Reese Peanut Butter Cup Ad, then soon after a Benalyn DM sales pitch. I was in awe. Someone read my mind. Cool.

I found it insane though that of the extra 3 1/2 hours I had to wait to eat my lunch, my stomach only growled during 5 of them. I was totally impressed. (Yeah, they don't add up. You can stop trying already).

I just arrived home and have realized that my nose sprint has went from a sprint to a marathon, I have a pile of laundry to hang and a little fat free chocolate pudding cup that is calling for me to engage it. I will because I am that committed.

Sorry my day wasn't thought provoking or entertaining.

Snicky Wicky

I am secretly doing this post and even whispering in my head. Wally and I went to bed a few minutes ago and I couldn't get to sleep right away (not normal for me) and he is currently in dreamland (not normal for him).

So I am being sneaky here. (A Scottish friend of ours always calls it being 'snicky wicky'. I think 'snicky' is like sneaky but with an accent. The first time I heard her say it I almost died laughing. Seriously, they called 911.)

I'm not real sure why I am on here, don't have any magic thoughts. In case you are worried, I am typing this while comfortably on THE wagon.

Maybe I'll give you a few of random thoughts as of late...

Today I was looking in the mirror at my naked body. I struggle with this. Not because I hate my naked body but because I don't.

While looking at my bod. I notice that I have boobs at this point in time. You see this changes with my weight fluctuations, duh. I decided perhaps I would have a funeral for them when I get down to my goal. Or maybe a small good bye party would be more appropriate.

As I begin to plan our 'Celebration of Life' party I have been talking to some friends. One of them started asking a bunch of questions like:'Do you have a budget? Have you booked a DJ? Will there be party favors?' I immediately shut her down and pretended that I wasn't going to have a party at all (in my head). What have I gotten myself into?

I have had a perpetual scratch to itch on my back for the past several weeks. Wally had Smoky Mama get me a back scratcher for Christmas only to find out that the only way to 'scratch my itch' is to do so by hand. Why is this?

Wally is tired of my back itch spot. Why is this?

I was dreading going into work Saturday because I was shadowing someone I had only met at a meeting once. She was very outgoing and kinda loud. I feared she'd be mean to me and that I'd hate her. Come to find out I may propose to her. Friendship I mean. I just love her.

The book I was telling you about is called: 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years' by Donald Miller and Eva. Ok I lied. I didn't write it. But I did read it. (Well almost all of it - still putting off saying good bye).

I am so tired and realizing I should have taken off a bit more time before returning to full time work. I didn't though and I am thankful I love my new job.

Speaking of which, I thought about it today and realized how many blog posts I write in my head everyday regarding my work. I honestly think I could come home and easily write a post a day about my job. I learn sooooo much there and have so much to share. I wish I could share everything. Maybe sometime I try to at least share a few stories. I think you'd learn a lot too. You'd love the people... you'd just love them.

The real reason I am still awake is that I just got an e-mail from an old friend of mine from high school. We were in the same circle of friends. We weren't terribly close but our little group seemed to do everything together. We had a lot of fun. My friend and I lost touch. I invited her to THE party, that's when she e-mailed me. She just shared with me how she stumbled upon this blog a while ago and has read every entry. I just learned that e-mail is far more personal than I ever thought. I feel like she just reached out and gave me a hug. I heard her laugh in the e-mail - I love her laugh. I hope she can come to THE party.


Maybe ... if she comes ... I'll be able to give her a hug back and get to hear her laugh. That would be a great 'Celebrating Life' present.

Right now I have the world at my fingertips.

Thank you.

Day 4 of Stupidness

Most of the day was spent using my binoculars to see the wagon. It apparently got way far ahead of me. It's only as I have slowed down that I have finally caught up to it.

I am doing some stretches and hope to scratch my way up into it to sleep for the night. It looks different than before.

I'll tell you how it rides tomorrow.

God Bless,
Eva :)

He stole my book!!

So I'm reading this book. I'm almost done. It only took me a couple of days to read most of it and now that I'm near the end I don't want to finish it. Not because it's a bad book. Not because I'm bored with it. But because it's so relatable (apparently that's not a word) to me I don't want it to be over.

It was funny, I was out with Smoky Mama and Pumpkin (my in laws) on our annual Christmas craft show and dinner date, when we were in a Christian book store.

Anyhoo, we were in the store and I notice a new book by a best selling author whom I've bought books by before. Some people love him, others probably wouldn't join his marketing team. I bought his 3 in 1 book and only got 2/3rds of the way through one of the books. The best seller.

I'm not sure what exactly made me think this book would be any different. I think it was the fact that initially I thought the book was written by a different author with a similar thought pattern and I got them mixed up. I pull the book off of the shelf take it over to Smoky Mama and say 'I wouldn't mind this for Christmas. It's on sale!'

We always let eachother be completely thoughtful when gift giving. Never make lists or demand anything. Always handmade. I was trying to be subtle, you know?

I went to put the book back where I got it from and Smoky Mama yells 'Well bring it over! This will help me get started'. I took it to her in mild disbelief and felt a tad guilty for bringing it up. We briefly argued about her getting the book right then. We didn't use our fists though. She bought the book. I pretended to forget and was very excited when I opened it Christmas Eve.

Did I mention I had no real idea what the book was about? Yeah, I just knew it was more of a self reflective book about the author 'editing' his life or something. It sounded like his life got better in the end and I thought to myself: 'He's a best selling author and needed his life to get better. I'm ... well ... me. I suppose there's always room for improvement. Heck, maybe I'll finish it.'

I soon got reading the book and realized that this author had beautifully articulated so many of my thoughts on life. It was so cool to read something that in essence I feel like I could've written myself.

Then I got wondering if he had secret powers to get into my head and steal my thoughts. Then I realized that I wasn't a best selling author, didn't try and write a movie, and well could never have written this book. Relief ... I wouldn't have to sue.

The book was about writing your own story in life. That the power to write it is within your control (how you are going to deal with life and stuff). He doesn't say that you can avoid cancer by thinking certain thoughts, but that you can choose how you are going to make your cancer story go. How you are going to live it.

I completely related to what Don was saying (we're on a first name, abbreviated basis. Don't be jealous you can read the book too), when he spoke of creating a meaningful story in your life. I feel like this has been the exact lesson I've been learning during the past 7 years. I've been discovering that it's not your personality that determines what kind of live you have, it's what you chose to do with the life you have been given.

I used to day dream (and still do) about the kind of person I've always wanted to be. When I was young my birthday wishes, as far back as I can remember, were to be beautiful. When I was an overweight 10 year old that meant physical beauty. As I grew up that dream didn't change. My thoughts of being 16 years old were that of a beautiful girl. I wanted that. I believe I became that - though I'd never say that at the time. I had a pure heart for God. A sincere desire to do whatever He wanted. Love for my family and friends. I was a decently attractive young lady. Not a model, not a size 6, but I took care of myself.

As I have grown older I have had more day dreams. This time more about my life and who I really am. I have grown and changed , not all for the good. When I realized after my aunt died that you truly only have one life to live and God does not always intervene to save it (at least not in the physical sense), I realized that I was the one who would have to do something about it. A huge turning point for me was when Wally was unemployed and we hadn't gotten pregnant- at that point were a bit relieved about this. But I was looking at my life and I saw that no one was going to magically walk in and grant all of my wishes. I wasn't just going to go to bed one day and wake up the next as a stay at home mom. My husband wasn't going to magically be all that I needed him to be. I needed to put some work into it.

That's when I feel that I became an author. Re-writing my story. Wally did too. The thing that makes it easiest for me to 'write' my story is reminding myself what kind of person, or as Don would say 'character', I would like to be. I think that I unintentionally did this and held on for dear life with it. I kept running into people in my life here and there that showed me glimpses of what it looked like to truly LIVE a real life. There weren't very many at first. But as I kept writing and living and trying to be open to plot changes our story began to take some fun twists and turns.

I was out with a friend of mine the other day for coffee. I was telling him how looking back recently over the past 2 years I'd been in school how much I could see a difference in mine and Wally's relationship. How I was starting to see how Wally is becoming the man that I have always wanted him to be. That sounds selfish but it's true. Of course when we married Wally and I were best friends (sorry for the cliche but it's the best way I can describe it). We had eachother's backs, loved the same things, cheered eachother on - life had an ease. Then when life happened we changed quickly and found it more difficult to continue to put the other first, it's wearing after a while.

I have been able to witness God changing our hearts slowly but beautifully. There was a point in time I didn't want to be married to Wally any more, he was not the person that I wanted to raise a family with. I waited a long time to tell him this. I was ashamed and didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was still my friend. I told him though. I told him how I felt. I told him I wouldn't leave him physically because I made a promise. But I did tell him that I didn't want to have children any longer with him and that really we'd just live in the same house if something didn't change. I loved him but not like that.

Some men would take off after hearing this, or say mean things back. Wally didn't. Wally cried and apologized. I cried and hoped things would get better. Within a couple of months Wally got a job. He worked on a pig farm without hesitation. His focus was me. His heart was me. He did anything for me. After that I knew he was real. I knew he was a keeper.

Wally worked at 2 pig farms for almost 3 years without ever complaining about doing it. Then it was my turn. To do anything for him. I told him I was ready for him to go to school. He protested, worried that I wasn't ready for it. I thought about it a bit longer. Then I told him I was ready. I was. A great character would do that in a good story. A great character would love her husband that much.

Well I did and soon after when I went to Wally and told him I'd love to go back to school he didn't even hesitate. We bought a backpack and off I went. Wally was a great character in my story. I am really liking how things are being written.

Anyways, you know how things have ended up since. Struggles remain but in the end I see myself in the middle of an epic novel. Writing your story is very cool. Way better than succumbing to someone else’s.

My hope is that I never stop writing, that I never give up trying to become an admirable character. I want my character to be strong, funny, deep, wise, full of love, real and … know karate.