So I'm reading this book. I'm almost done. It only took me a couple of days to read most of it and now that I'm near the end I don't want to finish it. Not because it's a bad book. Not because I'm bored with it. But because it's so relatable (apparently that's not a word) to me I don't want it to be over.
It was funny, I was out with Smoky Mama and Pumpkin (my in laws) on our annual Christmas craft show and dinner date, when we were in a Christian book store.
Anyhoo, we were in the store and I notice a new book by a best selling author whom I've bought books by before. Some people love him, others probably wouldn't join his marketing team. I bought his 3 in 1 book and only got 2/3rds of the way through one of the books. The best seller.
I'm not sure what exactly made me think this book would be any different. I think it was the fact that initially I thought the book was written by a different author with a similar thought pattern and I got them mixed up. I pull the book off of the shelf take it over to Smoky Mama and say 'I wouldn't mind this for Christmas. It's on sale!'
We always let eachother be completely thoughtful when gift giving. Never make lists or demand anything. Always handmade. I was trying to be subtle, you know?
I went to put the book back where I got it from and Smoky Mama yells 'Well bring it over! This will help me get started'. I took it to her in mild disbelief and felt a tad guilty for bringing it up. We briefly argued about her getting the book right then. We didn't use our fists though. She bought the book. I pretended to forget and was very excited when I opened it Christmas Eve.
Did I mention I had no real idea what the book was about? Yeah, I just knew it was more of a self reflective book about the author 'editing' his life or something. It sounded like his life got better in the end and I thought to myself: 'He's a best selling author and needed his life to get better. I'm ... well ... me. I suppose there's always room for improvement. Heck, maybe I'll finish it.'
I soon got reading the book and realized that this author had beautifully articulated so many of my thoughts on life. It was so cool to read something that in essence I feel like I could've written myself.
Then I got wondering if he had secret powers to get into my head and steal my thoughts. Then I realized that I wasn't a best selling author, didn't try and write a movie, and well could never have written this book. Relief ... I wouldn't have to sue.
The book was about writing your own story in life. That the power to write it is within your control (how you are going to deal with life and stuff). He doesn't say that you can avoid cancer by thinking certain thoughts, but that you can choose how you are going to make your cancer story go. How you are going to live it.
I completely related to what Don was saying (we're on a first name, abbreviated basis. Don't be jealous you can read the book too), when he spoke of creating a meaningful story in your life. I feel like this has been the exact lesson I've been learning during the past 7 years. I've been discovering that it's not your personality that determines what kind of live you have, it's what you chose to do with the life you have been given.
I used to day dream (and still do) about the kind of person I've always wanted to be. When I was young my birthday wishes, as far back as I can remember, were to be beautiful. When I was an overweight 10 year old that meant physical beauty. As I grew up that dream didn't change. My thoughts of being 16 years old were that of a beautiful girl. I wanted that. I believe I became that - though I'd never say that at the time. I had a pure heart for God. A sincere desire to do whatever He wanted. Love for my family and friends. I was a decently attractive young lady. Not a model, not a size 6, but I took care of myself.
As I have grown older I have had more day dreams. This time more about my life and who I really am. I have grown and changed , not all for the good. When I realized after my aunt died that you truly only have one life to live and God does not always intervene to save it (at least not in the physical sense), I realized that I was the one who would have to do something about it. A huge turning point for me was when Wally was unemployed and we hadn't gotten pregnant- at that point were a bit relieved about this. But I was looking at my life and I saw that no one was going to magically walk in and grant all of my wishes. I wasn't just going to go to bed one day and wake up the next as a stay at home mom. My husband wasn't going to magically be all that I needed him to be. I needed to put some work into it.
That's when I feel that I became an author. Re-writing my story. Wally did too. The thing that makes it easiest for me to 'write' my story is reminding myself what kind of person, or as Don would say 'character', I would like to be. I think that I unintentionally did this and held on for dear life with it. I kept running into people in my life here and there that showed me glimpses of what it looked like to truly LIVE a real life. There weren't very many at first. But as I kept writing and living and trying to be open to plot changes our story began to take some fun twists and turns.
I was out with a friend of mine the other day for coffee. I was telling him how looking back recently over the past 2 years I'd been in school how much I could see a difference in mine and Wally's relationship. How I was starting to see how Wally is becoming the man that I have always wanted him to be. That sounds selfish but it's true. Of course when we married Wally and I were best friends (sorry for the cliche but it's the best way I can describe it). We had eachother's backs, loved the same things, cheered eachother on - life had an ease. Then when life happened we changed quickly and found it more difficult to continue to put the other first, it's wearing after a while.
I have been able to witness God changing our hearts slowly but beautifully. There was a point in time I didn't want to be married to Wally any more, he was not the person that I wanted to raise a family with. I waited a long time to tell him this. I was ashamed and didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was still my friend. I told him though. I told him how I felt. I told him I wouldn't leave him physically because I made a promise. But I did tell him that I didn't want to have children any longer with him and that really we'd just live in the same house if something didn't change. I loved him but not like that.
Some men would take off after hearing this, or say mean things back. Wally didn't. Wally cried and apologized. I cried and hoped things would get better. Within a couple of months Wally got a job. He worked on a pig farm without hesitation. His focus was me. His heart was me. He did anything for me. After that I knew he was real. I knew he was a keeper.
Wally worked at 2 pig farms for almost 3 years without ever complaining about doing it. Then it was my turn. To do anything for him. I told him I was ready for him to go to school. He protested, worried that I wasn't ready for it. I thought about it a bit longer. Then I told him I was ready. I was. A great character would do that in a good story. A great character would love her husband that much.
Well I did and soon after when I went to Wally and told him I'd love to go back to school he didn't even hesitate. We bought a backpack and off I went. Wally was a great character in my story. I am really liking how things are being written.
Anyways, you know how things have ended up since. Struggles remain but in the end I see myself in the middle of an epic novel. Writing your story is very cool. Way better than succumbing to someone else’s.
My hope is that I never stop writing, that I never give up trying to become an admirable character. I want my character to be strong, funny, deep, wise, full of love, real and … know karate.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, August 7, 2009
Adventure Day 18 – A conversation on ‘The kid thing’ …
Yesterday I was privileged to meet with a new friend I have gotten to know through this blog – we had lunch a week or so ago with a mutual friend and through that decided to do ‘coffee’ together this week. We met at Tim’s around noon and didn’t leave for nearly three hours! Needless to say we found a lot to talk about and were able to share many similar experiences we’ve had in one subject in particular. What’s that you ask? What I affectionately refer to as ‘The kid thing’.
In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.
‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)
Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).
I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.
As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).
It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.
8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.
Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.
I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!
I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.
So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.
In the mean time …
Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!
In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.
‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)
Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).
I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.
As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).
It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.
8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.
Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.
I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!
I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.
So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.
In the mean time …
Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Time to settle down?
So the other day I walked into the gym and when I opened the door I was met by my least favourite gym worker. She’s a spunky, short, blonde haired (with some help) lady who initially was my favourite. What happened you ask? I talked to her.
I actually hadn’t seen her for quite a while as I was going in at a different time than usual (or not at all, who am I kidding?) She immediately asked how I was doing, and how my family out east was (I don’t have any family out east), then we got chatting.
She randomly asked me how long I’d been married. I replied ‘8 years.’ She gave me a ‘You’re too young to be married 8 years’ look. And I replied with ‘I was 21 and indeed too young to have gotten married.’
Well the look of shock that then struck her face was priceless. It was as if she was waiting for me to announce my divorce (or that my husband and I kept things together through a neighbourhood swingers club – and I don’t mean the dancing kind).
Before I could let her answer my retort I explained that I had a great guy that helped make it work. All was good. She asked ‘You really think you were too young?’ I nodded and then said I wasn’t a proponent of people getting married young. She replied with ‘But if you want to have children, blah, blah, blah’. Then she went on to tell me that her 26 year old daughter STILL wasn’t married or in a long term relationship. Still? I said ‘26 eh? She’s still a baby! She’s got lots of time. And if she’s happy then what does it matter.’ This lady wouldn’t give up. ‘She’s not happy though; she’s dated lots of guys and just can’t seem to find the right one. She wants to have children someday and let’s face it, every woman has a clock.’ Something gave me the impression that this mama was the unhappy one here.
I hate a conversation that gets to this point, when you realize that you are obviously not actually a part of it. You know, when you are talking but no one is listening, you are really just there to here the other person’s woes. Don’t get me wrong, some woes need to be heard. The ones that make you go: ‘Ok so my life’s not bad after all’, or ‘Wow, I could learn something from this person’. To be honest if I were feeling overly kind and thoughtful I could probably squeeze out some sort of lesson, but really I just wanted to share mine.
It seems to me that when I share my views on the young people marrying, many who push it immediately get offended. Offended for themselves (as many of the ones who here me say this have married young), offended for Wally (how dare his wife have the gall to say she regrets getting married to such a peach of a guy), and offended that I would basically say that we should all wait until our eggs and swimmers are nearly expired before we commit to someone.
Ok so first off I want people to realize that it is the most honest part of me that is revealing this – I really should be more guarded with my thoughts and feelings. But why? I’m sure there are others out there that wish they’d waited but don’t say it for the reasons I mentioned above. They worry about people doubting their love for their spouse and the life they have. When I say I wish I’d waited it really has little to do with the person I chose to spend my life with and a lot to do with the fact that marriage is a super serious commitment that involves a lot of thinking about the other person. For example, I have always wanted to travel and do mission work, Wally does not share that same desire (at least not the travelling kind). I have to choose how much I care for one over the other. It doesn’t necessarily mean I give up one and chase down the other, it means carefully and prayerfully considering how to balance the two together.
You see when Wally and I got married we thought we had everything figured out. We thought we knew who we were and how we’d live and everything. Then, as I mentioned in my last post, my world got flipped upside down and I felt challenged and even convicted to LIVE the life I was given (Wally too). The old dreams I had suddenly came alive again. I wanted to go back to school, my desire to travel became more apparent and so much more. These things I’d ‘put away’ when we married. I thought they were for single life, not for people that are ‘settled’. In some ways doing those things aren’t for ‘settled’ people at all and that’s exactly why I want to do them. Why is it that when you get married all of a sudden you are expected stop seeking out perspective on the world?
Proof of this expectation to ‘settle’ has just recently become more apparent to Wally and I as many people we have run into from where we used to live have asked when school was going to be done for us. When we tell them that in 6 months we’ll both be done they are so excited for us. They exclaim: ‘The time will go by fast!’ (Um, who said I wanted it to?), ‘You’ll be so glad to have it done and over with!’ (Really? I kind of like school), and my favourite: ‘Soon you can settle down and get on with life!’ (EEK!! Really? Oh no! I was really hoping this was all the beginning of something new!).
For the record … I know beyond a doubt that God has a plan for Wally and I, that it was Him that drew us together and Him that has kept us together (along with our commitment to our marriage). I do not regret marrying Wally, however if I knew then what I know now I may have tried to experience a few more things BEFORE walking down the aisle, just because it would have been easier to do practically. HOWEVER with that being said, I completely understand that it is possible that there may be reasons why we got married when we did and that my life could be totally different if I hadn’t followed what I felt God was really leading me towards.
I guess I feel so passionate about this whole thing because I know that so many young couples don’t have the benefit of having two sets of committed parents (as Wally and I do), they see marriage as a romantic endeavor (fortunately Wally and I never really did and I think that helped A LOT), and they fail to realize that life can alter every part of who you are without you wanting it to (this we were NOT aware of and we sometimes are surprised we stuck it out this far).
So back to what I had originally started this off with… I think a key for people in our situation, who want to live daily a life of openness to God’s leading and revealing of the very cool and very challenging is not ‘setting down’ and saying ‘Ok I’ve done what I was asked to do (whether it’s getting married, having kids, selling your house and going back to school, or whatever it may be) I can sit back, relax and get on with my own plans now’. Instead it’s continuing to use and stretch that muscle of experience - keep trying new things, keep meeting new people, keep seeing through new perspectives. It is saying and living: ‘What do you want to do next God? Should I go or should I stay? Do I build a home here or do you want me to travel with a tent? What is your call for me TODAY?’
It's never time to settle down.
I actually hadn’t seen her for quite a while as I was going in at a different time than usual (or not at all, who am I kidding?) She immediately asked how I was doing, and how my family out east was (I don’t have any family out east), then we got chatting.
She randomly asked me how long I’d been married. I replied ‘8 years.’ She gave me a ‘You’re too young to be married 8 years’ look. And I replied with ‘I was 21 and indeed too young to have gotten married.’
Well the look of shock that then struck her face was priceless. It was as if she was waiting for me to announce my divorce (or that my husband and I kept things together through a neighbourhood swingers club – and I don’t mean the dancing kind).
Before I could let her answer my retort I explained that I had a great guy that helped make it work. All was good. She asked ‘You really think you were too young?’ I nodded and then said I wasn’t a proponent of people getting married young. She replied with ‘But if you want to have children, blah, blah, blah’. Then she went on to tell me that her 26 year old daughter STILL wasn’t married or in a long term relationship. Still? I said ‘26 eh? She’s still a baby! She’s got lots of time. And if she’s happy then what does it matter.’ This lady wouldn’t give up. ‘She’s not happy though; she’s dated lots of guys and just can’t seem to find the right one. She wants to have children someday and let’s face it, every woman has a clock.’ Something gave me the impression that this mama was the unhappy one here.
I hate a conversation that gets to this point, when you realize that you are obviously not actually a part of it. You know, when you are talking but no one is listening, you are really just there to here the other person’s woes. Don’t get me wrong, some woes need to be heard. The ones that make you go: ‘Ok so my life’s not bad after all’, or ‘Wow, I could learn something from this person’. To be honest if I were feeling overly kind and thoughtful I could probably squeeze out some sort of lesson, but really I just wanted to share mine.
It seems to me that when I share my views on the young people marrying, many who push it immediately get offended. Offended for themselves (as many of the ones who here me say this have married young), offended for Wally (how dare his wife have the gall to say she regrets getting married to such a peach of a guy), and offended that I would basically say that we should all wait until our eggs and swimmers are nearly expired before we commit to someone.
Ok so first off I want people to realize that it is the most honest part of me that is revealing this – I really should be more guarded with my thoughts and feelings. But why? I’m sure there are others out there that wish they’d waited but don’t say it for the reasons I mentioned above. They worry about people doubting their love for their spouse and the life they have. When I say I wish I’d waited it really has little to do with the person I chose to spend my life with and a lot to do with the fact that marriage is a super serious commitment that involves a lot of thinking about the other person. For example, I have always wanted to travel and do mission work, Wally does not share that same desire (at least not the travelling kind). I have to choose how much I care for one over the other. It doesn’t necessarily mean I give up one and chase down the other, it means carefully and prayerfully considering how to balance the two together.
You see when Wally and I got married we thought we had everything figured out. We thought we knew who we were and how we’d live and everything. Then, as I mentioned in my last post, my world got flipped upside down and I felt challenged and even convicted to LIVE the life I was given (Wally too). The old dreams I had suddenly came alive again. I wanted to go back to school, my desire to travel became more apparent and so much more. These things I’d ‘put away’ when we married. I thought they were for single life, not for people that are ‘settled’. In some ways doing those things aren’t for ‘settled’ people at all and that’s exactly why I want to do them. Why is it that when you get married all of a sudden you are expected stop seeking out perspective on the world?
Proof of this expectation to ‘settle’ has just recently become more apparent to Wally and I as many people we have run into from where we used to live have asked when school was going to be done for us. When we tell them that in 6 months we’ll both be done they are so excited for us. They exclaim: ‘The time will go by fast!’ (Um, who said I wanted it to?), ‘You’ll be so glad to have it done and over with!’ (Really? I kind of like school), and my favourite: ‘Soon you can settle down and get on with life!’ (EEK!! Really? Oh no! I was really hoping this was all the beginning of something new!).
For the record … I know beyond a doubt that God has a plan for Wally and I, that it was Him that drew us together and Him that has kept us together (along with our commitment to our marriage). I do not regret marrying Wally, however if I knew then what I know now I may have tried to experience a few more things BEFORE walking down the aisle, just because it would have been easier to do practically. HOWEVER with that being said, I completely understand that it is possible that there may be reasons why we got married when we did and that my life could be totally different if I hadn’t followed what I felt God was really leading me towards.
I guess I feel so passionate about this whole thing because I know that so many young couples don’t have the benefit of having two sets of committed parents (as Wally and I do), they see marriage as a romantic endeavor (fortunately Wally and I never really did and I think that helped A LOT), and they fail to realize that life can alter every part of who you are without you wanting it to (this we were NOT aware of and we sometimes are surprised we stuck it out this far).
So back to what I had originally started this off with… I think a key for people in our situation, who want to live daily a life of openness to God’s leading and revealing of the very cool and very challenging is not ‘setting down’ and saying ‘Ok I’ve done what I was asked to do (whether it’s getting married, having kids, selling your house and going back to school, or whatever it may be) I can sit back, relax and get on with my own plans now’. Instead it’s continuing to use and stretch that muscle of experience - keep trying new things, keep meeting new people, keep seeing through new perspectives. It is saying and living: ‘What do you want to do next God? Should I go or should I stay? Do I build a home here or do you want me to travel with a tent? What is your call for me TODAY?’
It's never time to settle down.
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