A couple of weeks ago I did just that – I ASKED someone that I wasn’t too sure I’d like out for coffee. Once that e-mail went out I was relieved. Did you notice there was a great big loop hole? Yes well, I was very grateful for it once I clicked send and I didn’t here from this person for a few days. I will fully admit that I secretly hoped I wouldn’t hear anything back – just so that my suspicions would be confirmed and I could feel justified in my judgments of this person. However, that didn’t happen. In fact the reply I got was a seemingly heartfelt thank you for my ‘thoughtfulness’ for the invite and ‘when was it good for me?’ Oh dear. I was already realizing where this was going…
So, last Monday night I met my questionable ‘friend’ at a nearby coffee shop and settled in for an evening chat.
Before I get too far, here’s a little background. My chosen coffee date is one of the girls (or ladies) that leads my home church group. She’s a 26 year old single gal whom I’ve never found easy conversation with. This is usually an immediate ‘red flag’ to me, as I feel as though I am a fairly ‘down to earth person’ who is ready to dive deep into any conversation that will tell me who someone is. I’ve known her now for 7 months and though we’ve shared a little bit within our home church together there has always seemed to be a veil over her that she keeps out at all times. She’s one of those people that I initially meet and hate (being a tad sarcastic here) because she’s got the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect style, perfect smile, she seems to always have the perfect heart in a situation, and never really bearing her true self. Remember how I said perfect people leave me suspicious? Well this is my prime example.
When I first met Lady I jealous of her perfect everything, then she just began to annoy me as I waited to find out her true self. I never really felt I saw it – she just always seemed so guarded. One day I thought to myself ‘Maybe there’s a reason she’s that way?’ (Novel concept eh?) Not too long after she described her mother and how she was raised and I realized – DING! DING! DING! We have a reason. However I couldn’t help but think there was more to the story. It was then that #18 was born.
As I was leaving the apartment that evening to meet my ‘suspicious’ friend I said my good byes to Wally and he asked when I thought I’d be back. I chuckled and said in an hour. (If you don’t know me that well here’s a news flash: coffee dates with me last far beyond an hour – try between 2 -3 hours). That night though, I was certainly expecting less than my norm, so I guestimated a time and whisked out the door.
We sat down with our teas and exchanged a compliment or two over clothing and such, before we knew it were amidst some regular conversation. We began asking eachother stuff about our families and then I commented at one point about being married to the oldest and only male of a small family, and the mother-in-law conflict that once arose because of it. Immediately her eye balls rolled in a way that told me she knew what I was talking about. ‘That’s weird’ I thought ‘She’s not married and is only barely in a relationship – she couldn’t have any idea what I’m talking about…’ So I inquired about her new boyfriend and asked if his mother was like that. She replied ‘No but my ex husband’s mother was.’ I’m so glad I don’t have video of my reaction, and hopefully I was putting on a stellar performance, because I think the earth paused at it. I quickly did some math in my head and tried so hard to figure out how this information could have possibly gotten by me for so long. She quickly went on to explain that she had been married once for 2 ½ years to a guy that ended up leaving her – just leaving … like just left.
She went on to tell me that 6 months into their marriage he informed her that he was no longer a Christian and didn’t want anything to do with any of it any more. I don’t think you have to be a Christian to understand the magnitude of this on her. If you don’t, let me explain. We all have things that we look for in a potential mate, some of these things are ‘deal breakers’. For many people religion, life style choices, parenting opinions, even attire, are ‘deal breakers’. Perhaps you could be of one religion and you meet someone of another religion and it is not a deal breaker when you meet and so you marry and go about life the way it is and you all get along, respect each other’s opinions and choices (even if you don’t completely agree) and you grow together in other areas of your life. I’m going to guess though, in this case the Christianity part was a key factor in keeping together as it was a key factor in bringing this couple together (she said it was his most attractive quality to her). It’s kind of like if 2 really fat, inactive gluttons get together and one decides one day they aren’t going to live like that anymore and they can’t stand living with the other person anymore, so they leave.
At any rate he couldn’t stand her Christian part and told her so, she informed him that as was the decision before the marriage, divorce was not an option for her. They went to counseling and after two years of vacations, some good times and no doubts some struggles, he left for good. As she told her story I continually had to remind myself to process what she was saying and try (to some degree) to understand what she went through. The truth is though I can’t. I have no idea what it’s like to wake up and have my husband totally renege on his profession of who he is and the promises he’s made. In all honesty, I only know what it’s like to be on the other end – the one who does the changing.
As Lady told her story I had a wave of realization that struck me. Lately I have been struggling a bit with wondering if mine and Wally’s marriage is ‘good enough’ and this has mostly been done by comparing our marriage to other people’s marriages. I look at Smiles and Bro who have been married 6 years and don’t’ have kids, they got married young (Smiles was only 18) and they are sweet on each other. I mean truly sweet, like ‘bunnycakes’, ‘sweetie pie’ and ‘pumpkin’ kind of sweet. I know I’ve talked to Bro about this and he’s clarified that things aren’t always perfect and all that, but really, if Wally ever (and I mean EVER) called me any of those names I’d deck him. In fact he knows that if he wants to irritate me, all he has to do is call me one of those names and I’m at an irrational 8 immediately. We’re just not like that.
Therefore my mind gets going making me think ‘I don’t love Wally enough, maybe I don’t love him at all, it’s not fair to him for me to be like that, I should make myself into a sweet adorable softy wife’. You see Wally is the one who constantly tells me he loves me, that I’m the best thing in his life, and that he couldn’t ask for a better wife. And I’m the one who doesn’t’ always say ‘I love you’ back (because I do it in other ways why do I have to say it every ten minutes), who isn’t into touchy feely all the time, who gets annoyed when his good byes take ten minutes because we’ve said good bye already why must we make it a production. I mean I do love Wally, and I am truly thankful that he is in my life, but I don’t use words and touch to speak ‘I love you’ (all of the time) and in this world that generally means ‘I’m not really that into you, so I’m headed to the next person – good bye!’
I am going somewhere with this. As Lady spoke of her experience I realized: Wally and I have indeed faced a similar dilemma regarding the changing of our faith and believe system. After my aunt died and I lost other family and some friends I did A LOT of changing. My core believe system changed incredibly, the way I wanted to live it out changed insanely and even how I spoke and wanted to live my life changed drastically. When we married we planned for me to stay at home with our kids and never work, we planned never to move, we knew who we liked in life and who we didn’t, and we definitely knew how we would raise our non existent children. Over the years I have developed so differently from who I was when I made a stack full of promises to my groom. But through it all instead of growing apart and becoming different, we grew together and sometimes I cannot believe how incredible that is.
After hearing Lady’s past and how hard she tried to make things work, yet not compromise who she was, and in the end she lost the person who she’d promised so much to and who had promised so much to her. I became aware of how amazing it was that Wally and I have been able to stick it out and get better through it. I don’t know why it works out for some and not others, and I feel sad that Lady had to go through such a heart breaking experience, leaving her so slow to trust, but I am so grateful for Wally and his commitment to our life together because without it I’m not sure where we’d be right now. I think it’s a reminder too that no matter who you marry or how you think something will turn out you can never be sure but rather you need to be aware of how fleeting life is (along with the relationships in it), you never know how something can change someone – or even yourself.
Though #18 was one of the items on my list that at the time of writing it I would have loved to have avoided - I am so glad I didn’t. My eyes were opened (as I suspected they would be), but even more so my heart was opened up to another person and their experiences. I feel as though lately my life has just been one great big ball of relating and learning. I really have felt more alive in the past 23 days than I did previously (and I felt pretty lively before that). Though my list entails so much more than coffee dates with people I have found that those have really affected my the most.
And I still have 18 more days to go!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Adventure Days 20 and 21 – # 35 A Girls Weekend Away!
Adventure Days 20 and 21 – # 35 A Girls Weekend Away!
I am officially making my recent activities #35 on my list (as I only actually listed 34 items) - to go on a girls weekend away. I’ve wanted to do this for a little while and had even thought of it while making my list but didn’t know who I’d ever be able to find to go on this excursion with. Then last week I got an e-mail from Sista (that I work with) asking if I’d like to go with her (as well as her sisters, mom and her mom’s friends) to Niagara Falls from Saturday to Sunday. Her mom is getting remarried in the fall and wanted to have a ladies weekend away to celebrate – sort of a bachelorette party. I’ll admit, at first I wasn’t so sure, since I really didn’t know Sista that well (I mean we’d be sharing a bed) and I definitely didn’t know her family and their friends. However, I’m all about living so I thought ‘Why not?’ As did my dear Wally, so off I went Saturday afternoon with a bunch of strangers to the Falls.
We drove up with Sista’s sisters, the older one and the younger one. There was certainly a lively family dynamic and one you only see in a family of three girls. I totally cannot identify with it but find it very entertaining to watch. The oldest sis drove, and the younger sis dryly poked fun while Sista and I sat in the back and chatted. We arrived around 7:30pm at our hotel (or where we thought our hotel was), checked in, picked up our key card and proceeded to take the elevator up to our room. (Of course all of this was done AFTER we helped ourselves to the free fresh baked cookies in the lobby). As the oldest sis unlocked the door and walked into what we THOUGHT was our room a man jumped off of the bed and quickly declared his ownership over what we thought was our evening abode (there was a woman in there too).
Younger sis quickly phoned her mother and asked what our room number was supposed to be and indeed we were at the right number. Lil’ sis told her mother that unless she was a middle aged man with a beard she was NOT in our room. Then it occurred to someone to clarify which hotel we were to be at and we soon realized there was two of the same chain in town, and of course we went to the wrong one – oops! We quickly high tailed it out of there and found the right hotel (which I might add, did not have freshly baked cookies) and the right room. There was only about five minutes to ‘freshen up’ before we had to be at the Medieval Times dinner theatre we had reservations to. We made it in perfect time and were greeted by an old lady dressed up in costume (that was truly not made for an old lady) and an older gentleman also in some medieval attire (tights and a tunic that was a bit too finely tuned).
Just to give you an idea of what our little crowd looked like: we were 12 in total and mostly women in their 50’s (I’m guessing). Can I just say that women at that age are a breed of their own? Do not dangle a good looking man in front of them because they get all crazy (they had the front desk guy to enjoy, of course he was probably only in his late 20’s or thirties – apparently they didn’t notice that he could have been their son).
We went in and sat through a two hour, five course meal with no utensils, and a lot of crude humour and audience participation (myself included). It was tolerable for sure but man did those actors take every opportunity to tell less than clean jokes! The food was delicious and the beverages to choose from were: red or white whine, or ale (beer). Once they filled your large mug up, you never saw the bottom of it – they filled them continually throughout the evening. I’m sure I ended up having two large, full mugs of ‘ale’ and was never warned about the effects I would later experience on my bladder – however it was a fun experience to have had.
We didn’t leave the show until around 10:30pm (a bit too late for me to have a full stomach) and then headed over to the Casino (after a brief visit back to the hotel). There are two big Casinos in Niagara Falls and of course it seemed to be our luck to have to go to both to discover the one we were actually looking for, but I suppose it added to the fun … I think. When we finally go to the one we meant to go to we split up and Sista and I took a few dollars and tried to gamble a bit. I say tried because it really consisted of us putting a relatively small bill into a slot machine pressing the same button several times and then leaving with out anything to show for it. After 15 minutes we were done. The only thing was we weren’t meeting our ride for another 45 minutes. We had some time to kill.
We ended up visiting in the lobby where we took to some people watching. We observed how many people kept their children (toddlers even) out well past midnight (at a casino no less!). We saw many different outfits on display, most of which revealed more than they concealed. At one point a young couple walked by us in there ‘night on the town’ clothes and the lady’s bottom was literally hanging out of the dress (I’m sure it was very drafty). I made some comment without yet looking over at Sista, then I heard her laughing and looking at another lady looking at the young couple. This lady’s jaw was hanging open (could have totally caught flies) and her eyes were barely still in their sockets. She noticed our reactions and then she vented her thoughts on the subject. She wasn’t’ mad just in shock over some of the things we were seeing people wearing. She said her 13 year old son was there too and had commented earlier on the ‘gold mine’ they had found. I guess you had to be there, but her reaction was priceless.
By 1:30am we had arrived back at the right hotel and chatted away before shutting the lights out at 3am. Then it happened! At 7am I woke up to use the bathroom, then I could barely hold it in until I went again at 8:30am, then again at 9am. No one had warned me that beer makes you pee (maybe it’s all alcohol, I don’t know). Oh well, I guess I learned something new. By 10am we had gone down for our breakfast and were on our way to the most important place to visit in Niagara Falls…no, not the water. The Hershey Store! I was definitely in my element there. I picked up some chocolate and a couple of their giant cookies (some to share with Wally) and realized that number 1 on my list was so far gone – maybe on the next list!
Within 24 hours of leaving we were home, unfortunately though, Sista’s car does not have working air conditioning and we were experiencing one of the hottest days of the summer. We decided we would stop off at a Wendy’s restaurant for something to eat on the way home. As we got out of her scorching hot car and entered the restaurant I commented on how damp I felt that my legs were. I really felt like I was sweating. Well folks, that’s because I was sweating – a lot!! As soon as I spoke the words she noticed that my behind was visibly wet and we quickly returned to the car to go through the drive through – I guess my fancy pants weren’t the best idea on a hot summer day). We decided to go to a park to eat before going home.
All in all my very brief weekend away was a good experience. Sharing a bed with my co-worker (whom I haven’t known that long), spending time with a bunch of total strangers (being women no less!), and just taking a chance on having fun last minute was all new to me and I was glad I did it. It’s easy to cop out on doing things with people you don’t know very well (or at all) but sometimes it’s good to stretch your social circles and go ahead. If nothing else you’ll come away with some funny stories!
I am officially making my recent activities #35 on my list (as I only actually listed 34 items) - to go on a girls weekend away. I’ve wanted to do this for a little while and had even thought of it while making my list but didn’t know who I’d ever be able to find to go on this excursion with. Then last week I got an e-mail from Sista (that I work with) asking if I’d like to go with her (as well as her sisters, mom and her mom’s friends) to Niagara Falls from Saturday to Sunday. Her mom is getting remarried in the fall and wanted to have a ladies weekend away to celebrate – sort of a bachelorette party. I’ll admit, at first I wasn’t so sure, since I really didn’t know Sista that well (I mean we’d be sharing a bed) and I definitely didn’t know her family and their friends. However, I’m all about living so I thought ‘Why not?’ As did my dear Wally, so off I went Saturday afternoon with a bunch of strangers to the Falls.
We drove up with Sista’s sisters, the older one and the younger one. There was certainly a lively family dynamic and one you only see in a family of three girls. I totally cannot identify with it but find it very entertaining to watch. The oldest sis drove, and the younger sis dryly poked fun while Sista and I sat in the back and chatted. We arrived around 7:30pm at our hotel (or where we thought our hotel was), checked in, picked up our key card and proceeded to take the elevator up to our room. (Of course all of this was done AFTER we helped ourselves to the free fresh baked cookies in the lobby). As the oldest sis unlocked the door and walked into what we THOUGHT was our room a man jumped off of the bed and quickly declared his ownership over what we thought was our evening abode (there was a woman in there too).
Younger sis quickly phoned her mother and asked what our room number was supposed to be and indeed we were at the right number. Lil’ sis told her mother that unless she was a middle aged man with a beard she was NOT in our room. Then it occurred to someone to clarify which hotel we were to be at and we soon realized there was two of the same chain in town, and of course we went to the wrong one – oops! We quickly high tailed it out of there and found the right hotel (which I might add, did not have freshly baked cookies) and the right room. There was only about five minutes to ‘freshen up’ before we had to be at the Medieval Times dinner theatre we had reservations to. We made it in perfect time and were greeted by an old lady dressed up in costume (that was truly not made for an old lady) and an older gentleman also in some medieval attire (tights and a tunic that was a bit too finely tuned).
Just to give you an idea of what our little crowd looked like: we were 12 in total and mostly women in their 50’s (I’m guessing). Can I just say that women at that age are a breed of their own? Do not dangle a good looking man in front of them because they get all crazy (they had the front desk guy to enjoy, of course he was probably only in his late 20’s or thirties – apparently they didn’t notice that he could have been their son).
We went in and sat through a two hour, five course meal with no utensils, and a lot of crude humour and audience participation (myself included). It was tolerable for sure but man did those actors take every opportunity to tell less than clean jokes! The food was delicious and the beverages to choose from were: red or white whine, or ale (beer). Once they filled your large mug up, you never saw the bottom of it – they filled them continually throughout the evening. I’m sure I ended up having two large, full mugs of ‘ale’ and was never warned about the effects I would later experience on my bladder – however it was a fun experience to have had.
We didn’t leave the show until around 10:30pm (a bit too late for me to have a full stomach) and then headed over to the Casino (after a brief visit back to the hotel). There are two big Casinos in Niagara Falls and of course it seemed to be our luck to have to go to both to discover the one we were actually looking for, but I suppose it added to the fun … I think. When we finally go to the one we meant to go to we split up and Sista and I took a few dollars and tried to gamble a bit. I say tried because it really consisted of us putting a relatively small bill into a slot machine pressing the same button several times and then leaving with out anything to show for it. After 15 minutes we were done. The only thing was we weren’t meeting our ride for another 45 minutes. We had some time to kill.
We ended up visiting in the lobby where we took to some people watching. We observed how many people kept their children (toddlers even) out well past midnight (at a casino no less!). We saw many different outfits on display, most of which revealed more than they concealed. At one point a young couple walked by us in there ‘night on the town’ clothes and the lady’s bottom was literally hanging out of the dress (I’m sure it was very drafty). I made some comment without yet looking over at Sista, then I heard her laughing and looking at another lady looking at the young couple. This lady’s jaw was hanging open (could have totally caught flies) and her eyes were barely still in their sockets. She noticed our reactions and then she vented her thoughts on the subject. She wasn’t’ mad just in shock over some of the things we were seeing people wearing. She said her 13 year old son was there too and had commented earlier on the ‘gold mine’ they had found. I guess you had to be there, but her reaction was priceless.
By 1:30am we had arrived back at the right hotel and chatted away before shutting the lights out at 3am. Then it happened! At 7am I woke up to use the bathroom, then I could barely hold it in until I went again at 8:30am, then again at 9am. No one had warned me that beer makes you pee (maybe it’s all alcohol, I don’t know). Oh well, I guess I learned something new. By 10am we had gone down for our breakfast and were on our way to the most important place to visit in Niagara Falls…no, not the water. The Hershey Store! I was definitely in my element there. I picked up some chocolate and a couple of their giant cookies (some to share with Wally) and realized that number 1 on my list was so far gone – maybe on the next list!
Within 24 hours of leaving we were home, unfortunately though, Sista’s car does not have working air conditioning and we were experiencing one of the hottest days of the summer. We decided we would stop off at a Wendy’s restaurant for something to eat on the way home. As we got out of her scorching hot car and entered the restaurant I commented on how damp I felt that my legs were. I really felt like I was sweating. Well folks, that’s because I was sweating – a lot!! As soon as I spoke the words she noticed that my behind was visibly wet and we quickly returned to the car to go through the drive through – I guess my fancy pants weren’t the best idea on a hot summer day). We decided to go to a park to eat before going home.
All in all my very brief weekend away was a good experience. Sharing a bed with my co-worker (whom I haven’t known that long), spending time with a bunch of total strangers (being women no less!), and just taking a chance on having fun last minute was all new to me and I was glad I did it. It’s easy to cop out on doing things with people you don’t know very well (or at all) but sometimes it’s good to stretch your social circles and go ahead. If nothing else you’ll come away with some funny stories!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Adventure Day 19 – More Social Time
I had great plans for my Day 18. I was excited to go to a Vegan Restaurant with a friend from school, she’s decided to try going vegan for a month and really wanted to try this restaurant, unfortunately our efforts have yet to pan out – we didn’t make it this day either.
I had a sort of short notice breakfast meeting for work at a restaurant in town (that I’d never been too – yay!) so since we would get paid for going AND a free yummy breakfast I had to go – therefore thwarting hope for a vegan meal. Hopefully next week!
I went to the breakfast meeting mostly for my own gain, not actually really knowing what it was all about. I soon found out it was a meeting to discuss the ‘goings on’ of our work place and another house in the city (run by the organization I work for). Yikes! It was with our ‘higher up’ bosses and was a time for people to inform them of how we felt about our jobs and all that kind of stuff. There were a few highly emotional moments and all that fun stuff, I got enlightened to a few things, but that was pretty much the gist of it. My main concern was my beautiful Monte Christo sandwich on my plate – it was very good! AND I’ve never had one before. I really am loving trying all sorts of new things!
Ok so after I got home I had a 2 hour catch up nap (as my social times that week were really taking their toll on me – poor baby). Then I think I blogged a bit and lazed about until it was time for my ‘girls night’. Now this isn’t the actual #12 on my list, it was actually an impromptu ‘Are you guys free Friday’ kind of get together with a few girls I went to high school with.
The cool thing about this small group is that it is made up of 4 of us girls who all went to the same high school together, yet were never really friends with each other during those years. A couple of years ago when facebook became popular each of us reconnected with one specific friend and she invited us over to reconnect. I’m not sure about the other girls but I got all excited to get together with this friend but initially did not realize that she had invited 3 of us over to hang out and ‘reconnect’ together. Honestly at first I was a bit annoyed because I just wanted to see her. I knew the other two ladies but didn’t KNOW the other two ladies. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t infuriated or anything, just surprised. And it wasn’t’ because I didn’t’ like them, I just didn’t really KNOW them. And let’s face it, you remember people a certain way and wonder if they are the same or different, or just what you could possibly have in common now.
Well since that first gathering we’ve made a point to meet, on average, 3 times a year or so. We obviously found something in common. At first we spent most of our time talking about old school friends: who we knew of still, who we didn’t, who’d gotten fat and who was as screwed up as ever - that’s what old friends do, but we weren’t even old friends. After a couple more gatherings we soon started to interconnect with one another, our ‘base person’ was no longer our ‘base person’. At this point we’ve all visited each other’s homes, done favours for each other: babysitting, dog sitting, home party visiting, photography, all sorts of stuff. Now I certainly wouldn’t describe us as ‘the sisterhood of the travelling pants’ or anything but we are a group of ladies (that makes us sound old) that hang out every few months for no good reason really but to do it.
I know a lot of people that wouldn’t make the effort or time to do this, they have kids to worry about, jobs that exhaust them, and would rather know that the people they are investing their time in are fun, understanding, and relatable. In the beginning that’s how I was (sorry ladies – I’m telling the truth). I thought ‘Oh Artsy’ (the friend that got us together at first) ‘I just want to visit with you, I don’t have any interest in wasting my time with old people from school I don’t even really know – what could we possibly have in common?’ After thinking that I went to our first girls night to get it ‘over with’ and soon found myself looking forward to our next evening together.
Let me reveal who makes up our little group. There is Artsy, our founder, who has been married nearly as long as I have and has three beautiful children (2 boys and 1 girl). She’s a stay at home mom with many creative talents (cake decorating, photography, art of all kinds, hospitality). She always seems to find herself in the middle of an interesting story (at least that’s what I’ve noticed). Then there is Luvvy, who is a year older than the rest of us, she is an animal lover to the greatest degree, and spends her time doing anything to help little furry friends. She recently got married and had a sincerely wonderful simple wedding – the only kind I think should be allowed. She’s so thoughtful, kind and caring that I am sometimes ashamed of my honest and flawed self (but if she heard me say that I’d be chastised). Then there is Shell Bell, who I did know the most as a young child (and probably the longest of anyone else in the group). She is a mommy of 2, also stunning, little girls that I’ve had the privilege of spending time with. She works 4 days a week but has arranged it so that her husband and she can provide child care virtually on their own – I love it!! She’s very down to earth, has a great laugh and is someone who doesn’t make me feel as though I need to apologize after I’ve spoken my mind.
And then of course there’s me, ‘nough said.
Though we have similarities we are a fairly diverse group. I almost think it’s God ordained (I’m over spiritualizing a bit here) that we found each other. There have been nights that the mommies of the group have definitely shared great mommy stories we could all laugh about and other nights we’ve all told mother-in-law stories and then even more family dramas. The two of us without kids are ever grateful for having another kidless person in the group, but with that being said we so enjoy seeing and hearing all about the kiddos too. Instead we share our animal lovies and comment on our pet’s cute pictures more than other kid people normally would. What I love about this little group of ladies is that we get together having had no original commonalities, other than going to the same school for 4 years, and we still share, relate and laugh with one another.
I have been mentioning a lot lately about how we need to always be open to what could come our way when we aren’t expecting it, especially in regards to friendships. We had a great night together at a small town music fest and sidewalk sales, just walkin’ and talkin’, and eating ice cream (you have to eat at some point right?). Unfortunately, as what often happens, just as we ‘get into it’ (the great conversation), it feels like it’s over. A good, yet infrequent, visit reminds me a bit of sex. It doesn’t happen that often, but when it does it takes you a while to ‘get there’ and when you finally do it’s over way too soon! That was our visit Friday night – over way too soon. We’re hoping to fix this problem and get together one more time before September rolls around - I can’t wait!
But then again … does that surprise you?
I had a sort of short notice breakfast meeting for work at a restaurant in town (that I’d never been too – yay!) so since we would get paid for going AND a free yummy breakfast I had to go – therefore thwarting hope for a vegan meal. Hopefully next week!
I went to the breakfast meeting mostly for my own gain, not actually really knowing what it was all about. I soon found out it was a meeting to discuss the ‘goings on’ of our work place and another house in the city (run by the organization I work for). Yikes! It was with our ‘higher up’ bosses and was a time for people to inform them of how we felt about our jobs and all that kind of stuff. There were a few highly emotional moments and all that fun stuff, I got enlightened to a few things, but that was pretty much the gist of it. My main concern was my beautiful Monte Christo sandwich on my plate – it was very good! AND I’ve never had one before. I really am loving trying all sorts of new things!
Ok so after I got home I had a 2 hour catch up nap (as my social times that week were really taking their toll on me – poor baby). Then I think I blogged a bit and lazed about until it was time for my ‘girls night’. Now this isn’t the actual #12 on my list, it was actually an impromptu ‘Are you guys free Friday’ kind of get together with a few girls I went to high school with.
The cool thing about this small group is that it is made up of 4 of us girls who all went to the same high school together, yet were never really friends with each other during those years. A couple of years ago when facebook became popular each of us reconnected with one specific friend and she invited us over to reconnect. I’m not sure about the other girls but I got all excited to get together with this friend but initially did not realize that she had invited 3 of us over to hang out and ‘reconnect’ together. Honestly at first I was a bit annoyed because I just wanted to see her. I knew the other two ladies but didn’t KNOW the other two ladies. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t infuriated or anything, just surprised. And it wasn’t’ because I didn’t’ like them, I just didn’t really KNOW them. And let’s face it, you remember people a certain way and wonder if they are the same or different, or just what you could possibly have in common now.
Well since that first gathering we’ve made a point to meet, on average, 3 times a year or so. We obviously found something in common. At first we spent most of our time talking about old school friends: who we knew of still, who we didn’t, who’d gotten fat and who was as screwed up as ever - that’s what old friends do, but we weren’t even old friends. After a couple more gatherings we soon started to interconnect with one another, our ‘base person’ was no longer our ‘base person’. At this point we’ve all visited each other’s homes, done favours for each other: babysitting, dog sitting, home party visiting, photography, all sorts of stuff. Now I certainly wouldn’t describe us as ‘the sisterhood of the travelling pants’ or anything but we are a group of ladies (that makes us sound old) that hang out every few months for no good reason really but to do it.
I know a lot of people that wouldn’t make the effort or time to do this, they have kids to worry about, jobs that exhaust them, and would rather know that the people they are investing their time in are fun, understanding, and relatable. In the beginning that’s how I was (sorry ladies – I’m telling the truth). I thought ‘Oh Artsy’ (the friend that got us together at first) ‘I just want to visit with you, I don’t have any interest in wasting my time with old people from school I don’t even really know – what could we possibly have in common?’ After thinking that I went to our first girls night to get it ‘over with’ and soon found myself looking forward to our next evening together.
Let me reveal who makes up our little group. There is Artsy, our founder, who has been married nearly as long as I have and has three beautiful children (2 boys and 1 girl). She’s a stay at home mom with many creative talents (cake decorating, photography, art of all kinds, hospitality). She always seems to find herself in the middle of an interesting story (at least that’s what I’ve noticed). Then there is Luvvy, who is a year older than the rest of us, she is an animal lover to the greatest degree, and spends her time doing anything to help little furry friends. She recently got married and had a sincerely wonderful simple wedding – the only kind I think should be allowed. She’s so thoughtful, kind and caring that I am sometimes ashamed of my honest and flawed self (but if she heard me say that I’d be chastised). Then there is Shell Bell, who I did know the most as a young child (and probably the longest of anyone else in the group). She is a mommy of 2, also stunning, little girls that I’ve had the privilege of spending time with. She works 4 days a week but has arranged it so that her husband and she can provide child care virtually on their own – I love it!! She’s very down to earth, has a great laugh and is someone who doesn’t make me feel as though I need to apologize after I’ve spoken my mind.
And then of course there’s me, ‘nough said.
Though we have similarities we are a fairly diverse group. I almost think it’s God ordained (I’m over spiritualizing a bit here) that we found each other. There have been nights that the mommies of the group have definitely shared great mommy stories we could all laugh about and other nights we’ve all told mother-in-law stories and then even more family dramas. The two of us without kids are ever grateful for having another kidless person in the group, but with that being said we so enjoy seeing and hearing all about the kiddos too. Instead we share our animal lovies and comment on our pet’s cute pictures more than other kid people normally would. What I love about this little group of ladies is that we get together having had no original commonalities, other than going to the same school for 4 years, and we still share, relate and laugh with one another.
I have been mentioning a lot lately about how we need to always be open to what could come our way when we aren’t expecting it, especially in regards to friendships. We had a great night together at a small town music fest and sidewalk sales, just walkin’ and talkin’, and eating ice cream (you have to eat at some point right?). Unfortunately, as what often happens, just as we ‘get into it’ (the great conversation), it feels like it’s over. A good, yet infrequent, visit reminds me a bit of sex. It doesn’t happen that often, but when it does it takes you a while to ‘get there’ and when you finally do it’s over way too soon! That was our visit Friday night – over way too soon. We’re hoping to fix this problem and get together one more time before September rolls around - I can’t wait!
But then again … does that surprise you?
Friday, August 7, 2009
Adventure Day 18 – A conversation on ‘The kid thing’ …
Yesterday I was privileged to meet with a new friend I have gotten to know through this blog – we had lunch a week or so ago with a mutual friend and through that decided to do ‘coffee’ together this week. We met at Tim’s around noon and didn’t leave for nearly three hours! Needless to say we found a lot to talk about and were able to share many similar experiences we’ve had in one subject in particular. What’s that you ask? What I affectionately refer to as ‘The kid thing’.
In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.
‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)
Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).
I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.
As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).
It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.
8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.
Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.
I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!
I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.
So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.
In the mean time …
Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!
In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.
‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)
Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).
I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.
As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).
It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.
8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.
Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.
I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!
I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.
So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.
In the mean time …
Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Adventure Day 17 - #18 Go out for coffee with some one I work with
#18 was definitely one of those items on my list that I had (in the back of my mind) already considered done. Not actually done yet but I had an idea of who I would be going for coffee with we just hadn’t yet set a date. With these items (the ones I’ve already considered doing) on my list I sort of feel like I’m cheating, because ‘it was going to happen anyway’, yet I’m quickly learning that you cannot always predict how things are going to turn out (hmmmm… sounds a lot like life).
Since I started my job 3 months ago I have gotten to know many of the people I work with. Some through actually working with them, others through tormenting (mutually of course), and then a few just through going to training together. The person I had intended to complete #18 with I had met through the latter. She’s a great girl with one of those personalities that make you feel cared about and listed to from the minute you begin sharing with her. We immediately decided that a ‘get together’ was in order. I was very excited because she was super nice (is super nice), level headed and very caring – Yay a new friend! However she is also a mommy of a beautiful little guy who’s just over a year old. Needless to say she’s a busy (and I’ll guess tired – since she does a 30 hour sleep contract without getting much sleep) chick. All this to say: she did not turn out to be my #18 (however we are in the process of making a date that I look forward to).
Who’s my #18? Well, another girl I work with, Sista, one of my new family members. How did this date come to occur? Well Sista invited me to go on a girls weekend away this coming weekend (which I won’t say too much about now because I’m sure it is full post worthy later on), and we had plans to catch up on it after work but got disconnected on the way. Anyways, Sista gave a call to ‘touch base’ afterwards and fill me in on some details when she asked if I just wanted to do coffee – impromptu, I love it. I had been at work for 10 hours and hadn’t seen Wally much since Sunday so I figured it might be wise to pass this time, after telling him about it after I got off the phone he encouraged me to go. I was very excited, because even more than connecting time, I love impromptu connecting time, it just seems so much more natural and uncontrived – it’s real. I love real (even though sometimes I hate real too).
Off we went to a Starbucks (the ‘city people’s’ coffee place) and I guzzled my Tall (which is actually small – strange) Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccino (sp?) (it’s liquid crack), and leapt ‘off the wagon’ with my extra huge Double Chocolate Chunk Cookie (my first in a while – I need to do some more confessing later). It was good … oh yeah and we talked. It was one of those conversations that you wonder how and where it got started, you end up bunny trailing into places you have to retract from for now and remind each other you will HAVE to revisit later, and you find yourself pouring and pouring out your story. Now, Sista and I had had a couple of these conversations before during ends or overlapping shifts (we never actually work together on the same day – weird). Since working together we have found out that we know waaaaaay too many of the same people and had similar experiences with them (which has been great confirmation for me, but that’s another story), it’s been interesting to say the least. We’ve shared parts of our stories but never like really filled in the gaps.
I have to say in the past several months I feel like when I’ve met people a lot of the talk has surrounded my story, hopefully less because I’m a narcissist and more because people hear mine and Wally’s current situation and they want to know more (about why we went back to school, sold our house and moved to the city). I have to admit, it feels good to share, to know that someone could possibly be interested in ‘our story’, as simple as it is. This time it was different, I still shared parts of my life and experiences and stuff, but I got to hear someone else’s story and it was eye opening.
Sista had told me general parts of her story before, big general parts, enough for me to feel ‘in on it’ a bit. But last night I got to really hear the emotions behind her experiences and the incredibleness of God through it. I won’t share what I learned but let me just say ‘Wow!’ - that’s what I said several times during the visit. My ‘Wow!’ wasn’t ‘God’s so cool, isn’t that great, I bet you’re glad He allowed you that experience’ kind of ‘Wow!’ Rather, it was more like ‘Wow! I can’t believe you went through that, lived through that, came through on the other side, that’s so personal, life altering, heartbreaking, humiliating, I want to cry for you, but girl you lived to tell, you’re going to be ok, fought through the bitterness, truly are better and I still can’t believe you went through that’ kind of ‘Wow!’
Though I don’t wish on anyone tragic life experiences, I have to say I love hearing and relating to people that have lived to tell their own. It grounds me, humbles me, takes me with them through their pain, gives me hope, and reminds me that I’m a survivor of my own story too. Have you ever gone a long, long time before hearing a ‘big’ story? I think we begin to float into a false world of security and disconnect. I think we become less feeling and human because ‘it didn’t happen to me’. By listening to each other and digging deeper with people we learn more about our humanity, about the fact that we are not that different from one another after all and we indeed NEED to keep connected through sharing these experiences. I say that realizing though that unfortunately not everyone wants to listen so when doing this you do need to use wisdom and discretion for sure. That actually came up in our conversation – just how sometimes people don’t want to know our hurts because they don’t want to ‘go there’ with us – I’m guessing they don’t want to feel the pain too.
I hate trying to end a post like this; admittedly I don’t often know how to do it. I like perfectly tied shoelaces, but just don’t always want to perfectly tie them. Let me try though…
Completely #18 on my list has taught me a few things…
It’s great to write a list and try to complete it, but it’s even better if you just let it happen.
We need to keep listening to each other – we ALL have a story worth telling.
The only things you really need to ‘connect’ are two willing people.
Sharing is healing - God is the Healer
There are certain acts of betrayal after which I don’t know if I could ever learn how to trust again – I’m not talking infidelity
I’m human and I love meeting other humans
I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing the heart of someone’s story
I am still in love with Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccinos, seriously …
Since I started my job 3 months ago I have gotten to know many of the people I work with. Some through actually working with them, others through tormenting (mutually of course), and then a few just through going to training together. The person I had intended to complete #18 with I had met through the latter. She’s a great girl with one of those personalities that make you feel cared about and listed to from the minute you begin sharing with her. We immediately decided that a ‘get together’ was in order. I was very excited because she was super nice (is super nice), level headed and very caring – Yay a new friend! However she is also a mommy of a beautiful little guy who’s just over a year old. Needless to say she’s a busy (and I’ll guess tired – since she does a 30 hour sleep contract without getting much sleep) chick. All this to say: she did not turn out to be my #18 (however we are in the process of making a date that I look forward to).
Who’s my #18? Well, another girl I work with, Sista, one of my new family members. How did this date come to occur? Well Sista invited me to go on a girls weekend away this coming weekend (which I won’t say too much about now because I’m sure it is full post worthy later on), and we had plans to catch up on it after work but got disconnected on the way. Anyways, Sista gave a call to ‘touch base’ afterwards and fill me in on some details when she asked if I just wanted to do coffee – impromptu, I love it. I had been at work for 10 hours and hadn’t seen Wally much since Sunday so I figured it might be wise to pass this time, after telling him about it after I got off the phone he encouraged me to go. I was very excited, because even more than connecting time, I love impromptu connecting time, it just seems so much more natural and uncontrived – it’s real. I love real (even though sometimes I hate real too).
Off we went to a Starbucks (the ‘city people’s’ coffee place) and I guzzled my Tall (which is actually small – strange) Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccino (sp?) (it’s liquid crack), and leapt ‘off the wagon’ with my extra huge Double Chocolate Chunk Cookie (my first in a while – I need to do some more confessing later). It was good … oh yeah and we talked. It was one of those conversations that you wonder how and where it got started, you end up bunny trailing into places you have to retract from for now and remind each other you will HAVE to revisit later, and you find yourself pouring and pouring out your story. Now, Sista and I had had a couple of these conversations before during ends or overlapping shifts (we never actually work together on the same day – weird). Since working together we have found out that we know waaaaaay too many of the same people and had similar experiences with them (which has been great confirmation for me, but that’s another story), it’s been interesting to say the least. We’ve shared parts of our stories but never like really filled in the gaps.
I have to say in the past several months I feel like when I’ve met people a lot of the talk has surrounded my story, hopefully less because I’m a narcissist and more because people hear mine and Wally’s current situation and they want to know more (about why we went back to school, sold our house and moved to the city). I have to admit, it feels good to share, to know that someone could possibly be interested in ‘our story’, as simple as it is. This time it was different, I still shared parts of my life and experiences and stuff, but I got to hear someone else’s story and it was eye opening.
Sista had told me general parts of her story before, big general parts, enough for me to feel ‘in on it’ a bit. But last night I got to really hear the emotions behind her experiences and the incredibleness of God through it. I won’t share what I learned but let me just say ‘Wow!’ - that’s what I said several times during the visit. My ‘Wow!’ wasn’t ‘God’s so cool, isn’t that great, I bet you’re glad He allowed you that experience’ kind of ‘Wow!’ Rather, it was more like ‘Wow! I can’t believe you went through that, lived through that, came through on the other side, that’s so personal, life altering, heartbreaking, humiliating, I want to cry for you, but girl you lived to tell, you’re going to be ok, fought through the bitterness, truly are better and I still can’t believe you went through that’ kind of ‘Wow!’
Though I don’t wish on anyone tragic life experiences, I have to say I love hearing and relating to people that have lived to tell their own. It grounds me, humbles me, takes me with them through their pain, gives me hope, and reminds me that I’m a survivor of my own story too. Have you ever gone a long, long time before hearing a ‘big’ story? I think we begin to float into a false world of security and disconnect. I think we become less feeling and human because ‘it didn’t happen to me’. By listening to each other and digging deeper with people we learn more about our humanity, about the fact that we are not that different from one another after all and we indeed NEED to keep connected through sharing these experiences. I say that realizing though that unfortunately not everyone wants to listen so when doing this you do need to use wisdom and discretion for sure. That actually came up in our conversation – just how sometimes people don’t want to know our hurts because they don’t want to ‘go there’ with us – I’m guessing they don’t want to feel the pain too.
I hate trying to end a post like this; admittedly I don’t often know how to do it. I like perfectly tied shoelaces, but just don’t always want to perfectly tie them. Let me try though…
Completely #18 on my list has taught me a few things…
It’s great to write a list and try to complete it, but it’s even better if you just let it happen.
We need to keep listening to each other – we ALL have a story worth telling.
The only things you really need to ‘connect’ are two willing people.
Sharing is healing - God is the Healer
There are certain acts of betrayal after which I don’t know if I could ever learn how to trust again – I’m not talking infidelity
I’m human and I love meeting other humans
I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing the heart of someone’s story
I am still in love with Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccinos, seriously …
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A couple of things...
Just to let you know I do respond to some of the comments posted, but usually I comment where ever the comment was posted (like in the comments for that post - so check there for a response.
Another thing ... 'Cuz' you need to make up your own name (it's more fun for you)and I did respond to your comment on the post you commented on. And I checked my e-mail and there aren't any e-mails in there that haven't been responded to. I don't get e-mail addresses from comments posted on this blog so don't expect e-mailed responses from comments made :)
Another thing ... 'Cuz' you need to make up your own name (it's more fun for you)and I did respond to your comment on the post you commented on. And I checked my e-mail and there aren't any e-mails in there that haven't been responded to. I don't get e-mail addresses from comments posted on this blog so don't expect e-mailed responses from comments made :)
Adventure Day 16 - 100 things I am thankful for
Adventure Day 16 - #27 – Write down 100 things I am thankful for in one day
1. My health
2. My husband
3. My parents still being married to each other
4. Marshmallow – and that he loves me
5. Mini marshmallow – she’s just too cute
6. I have a job in my field of work
7. My co-workers
8. Our apartment – I love it
9. Being able to go back to school
10. Getting to learn how to be happy without having kids
11. Our car
12. I can see
13. I can smell
14. I can hear
15. I can feel
16. I can think
17. I can touch
18. I can taste (although sometimes I hate this too)
19. We have all of our needs met and then some
20. My aunt
21. Learning the lesson of how fragile life is (even though it was very painful)
22. My country
23. The sun
24. The moon
25. Stars (I don’t look at these enough)
26. Brand new babies
27. Brand new puppies
28. Air conditioning
29. New friends
30. Old friends
31. Health care
32. My home church
33. Butterflies
34. Fall
35. Snowflakes
36. Trees
37. Photographs - I LOVE pictures
38. Music
39. Portable music
40. Grace
41. My glasses
42. Second chances
43. Laughing
44. A good sleep
45. The beach (even though I never really go)
46. My dogs
47. Chicken
48. Plasma donation
49. Alone time
50. That I have people that love me
51. That I have people I can be real with
52. That I can love others
53. My in laws
54. The relationships I’ve developed seemingly out of nowhere that run deep and teach me lots
55. Airplanes
56. I can walk
57. I can breathe
58. I can try new things
59. Reading
60. Writing / blogging
61. Our spare bed - it's my favourite
62. That I can buy clothes that I like
63. Grocery shopping
64. Pianos
65. Singing people
66. Thankful people
67. Books
68. Jesus
69. People that live love (and don’t criticize me for waiting until 68 to be thankful for Jesus)
70. People that aren’t like me
71. People that reach me
72. Gentle spirits
73. Determination
74. People that listen
75. People who know when to be quiet
76. Grandparents
77. That God can turn my scars into something that looks like it should have been there all along – and it’s beautiful
78. People that are dispensable by everyone else's standards – though in reality are the ones whom show us a glimpse of true life
79. Peace
80. Restaurants
81. Parks
82. Gravel roads
83. Countryside
84. Water
85. Zoos
86. Museums
87. Forgiveness
88. The wind on a hot day
89. No wind on a cold day
90. Porch swings
91. Memories
92. Old recipes
93. Christmas
94. The ability to cry
95. Real hugs
96. Quilts
97. Hope
98. Change
99. Cleanliness
100. This minute
1. My health
2. My husband
3. My parents still being married to each other
4. Marshmallow – and that he loves me
5. Mini marshmallow – she’s just too cute
6. I have a job in my field of work
7. My co-workers
8. Our apartment – I love it
9. Being able to go back to school
10. Getting to learn how to be happy without having kids
11. Our car
12. I can see
13. I can smell
14. I can hear
15. I can feel
16. I can think
17. I can touch
18. I can taste (although sometimes I hate this too)
19. We have all of our needs met and then some
20. My aunt
21. Learning the lesson of how fragile life is (even though it was very painful)
22. My country
23. The sun
24. The moon
25. Stars (I don’t look at these enough)
26. Brand new babies
27. Brand new puppies
28. Air conditioning
29. New friends
30. Old friends
31. Health care
32. My home church
33. Butterflies
34. Fall
35. Snowflakes
36. Trees
37. Photographs - I LOVE pictures
38. Music
39. Portable music
40. Grace
41. My glasses
42. Second chances
43. Laughing
44. A good sleep
45. The beach (even though I never really go)
46. My dogs
47. Chicken
48. Plasma donation
49. Alone time
50. That I have people that love me
51. That I have people I can be real with
52. That I can love others
53. My in laws
54. The relationships I’ve developed seemingly out of nowhere that run deep and teach me lots
55. Airplanes
56. I can walk
57. I can breathe
58. I can try new things
59. Reading
60. Writing / blogging
61. Our spare bed - it's my favourite
62. That I can buy clothes that I like
63. Grocery shopping
64. Pianos
65. Singing people
66. Thankful people
67. Books
68. Jesus
69. People that live love (and don’t criticize me for waiting until 68 to be thankful for Jesus)
70. People that aren’t like me
71. People that reach me
72. Gentle spirits
73. Determination
74. People that listen
75. People who know when to be quiet
76. Grandparents
77. That God can turn my scars into something that looks like it should have been there all along – and it’s beautiful
78. People that are dispensable by everyone else's standards – though in reality are the ones whom show us a glimpse of true life
79. Peace
80. Restaurants
81. Parks
82. Gravel roads
83. Countryside
84. Water
85. Zoos
86. Museums
87. Forgiveness
88. The wind on a hot day
89. No wind on a cold day
90. Porch swings
91. Memories
92. Old recipes
93. Christmas
94. The ability to cry
95. Real hugs
96. Quilts
97. Hope
98. Change
99. Cleanliness
100. This minute
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