Love & Marriage

....goes together like a horse and carriage.

Well that's what the song says anyways. I'm not so sure all of the time.

Putting on a white fancy dress and walking down an aisle surrounded by a couple hundred people doesn't make love any stronger or more real than it did before the dress and the aisle. That is, of course, in my opinion.

The dress and the aisle just 'seal the deal' in this culture.

When I think about it, I kinda wonder why the dress, the aisle and the party don't happen AFTER a couple has been monogamous for a life time.

It could be because no one knows how long that will be, seeing as time of death is so uncertain, it could be because no one would ever commit to being with one person forever without the enticing party and gifts paired with the young love they are feeling. Or it could be because maybe the whole idea is to commit now and grow as you go.

Geez, I don't know.

I do know that the dress and the aisle are, in my opinion, the easiest part of marriage.

Several months ago I remember hearing a couple that had been married for 40 plus years arguing over something. The 'something' seemed to have been a challenge over the years, a tedious argument really. The wife turned to me and said something like 'After 41 years of marriage he still doesn't pick up after himself'.

There were a few things that went through my mind at that point...

First: 'Wow, forty years of clutter! How are you still married?!'
Second: 'Wow, how frustrating that he didn't choose to change for you. Doesn't he know how much that would mean to you?'
Third: 'Wow, you'd think by now you would've realized to let go of the issue, he's not gonna change.'
Finally: 'Uh, oh. What does that mean for Wally and I?'

I leave a trail of clothes where ever I go. Coats, mitts, pjs, socks, underwear, anything that I wear can be found any where in our house. (No chance of hiding from anyone).

He piles his clothes. On my dresser. Until there's a mountain that a small child could climb as it's life's ambition.

I NEVER close tupperware lids properly.

He doesn't generally notice when the kitchen garbage lid is raised and ready to overflow, that it's time to change it.

We'll see if these little things continue to drive eachother crazy for the rest of our lives I guess.

Then there are the big things....

Like: communication, fidelity, understanding, care, life's ambitions.

*sigh*

These are the things that, in my experience, come up less often yet when they do they are BIG and the events surrounding are BIG. How we handle these things, (which incidentally may show through greatly through how we end up handling the small things) defines where are marriage takes us.

The other day we had a large 'discussion'. There was much lead up to this 'discussion', much unacknowledged anticipation (no doubt on both sides) that it would eventually have to come but I'm pretty sure both of us were hoping the other would miraculously see the other's point of view and wave a white flag.

No white flag was anywhere to be seen.

Sure enough I felt so frustrated and cornered that decided silence was that best option. That way I wouldn't say anything regrettable, I would give myself time to think about my next plan of action, and at the same time I would portray that I was completely under control and somewhat calm. (Though that was the furthest thing from the truth).

My intention for silence actually was never to torture Wally. It really was for he above reasons. Little did I know that after only a few minutes he would crack and plead for me to fight with him as he knew the issue was so incredibly important to me.

Have you ever sensed that point in the argument where you've realized no one's going to win? When what you thought was, wasn't and you knew that you had to accept it, cry about it, be mad about it, then cry about it some more?

Well, that's where I was at this point in our 'discussion'. I knew that we'd both lost. That I, for sure, would have to accept that the hopefulness for what I wanted would need to be let go of and it was time to concede to less than my ideal of situations.

Basically, I wasn't going to get what I wanted.

When I put it that way my actions of weeping, lying in the fetal position in bed, and the frustration that is still hold onto in my soul, all seem a little dramatic. However, those are actions I needed to take in order not to yell, throw things, and decide to book a one way ticket to Thailand.

Marriage is so hard sometimes.

As I look back on my post 'discussion' time I actually feel in my spirit, even now, how my rough edges were and are being worked off. How somehow this experience will shape me in my marriage and prepare me to (hopefully) do better in our next 'discussion'. (Which I really hope isn't in an airport because I may get taken to a padded room if I drop into the fetal position in front of a crowd).

One hopes and prays never to run into a 'discussion' that leads to a necessary parting of ways, or the throwing of a well aimed frying pan or knife.

Though this 'discussion' forced me to have to give up on my ideal for a certain situation, it didn't cause me to give up on my marriage. I'd rather grieve my ideal than my marriage. (Although while in the moment it's often very hard to see the grander picture being more important than the one your currently looking straight at).

For the record, just in case I unintentionally portrayed things to make me look better than Wally, we are equally being worked on and neither were any more at fault than the other.

I won't lie, things are still very fresh and the rubbings of the rough edges still sting, it's REALLY hard to let go of what I think is right compared to what is actually right for BOTH of us.

It's been nearly 10 years, and though the 'discussions' have evolved and changed in many ways, the fact that they are there has not. There will always be something to 'pick up'. Might as well accept that now...

The dress and the aisle .... *shakes head*

Gramma's in love - Part duex

The other day I called my Gramma to finally tell her that Wally got a job (after my mama had asked me on the two previous phone calls if I had yet I figured it was time).

Not far into the conversation she shared that her and Boyfriend Grampa exchanged Christmas gifts. I'm not sure why they had already. I was three days or so before Christmas, they live like in side by side buildings, they see eachother every day. Maybe it's a near death thing.

She told me that Boyfriend Grampa bought her beautiful earrings. They were shaped like hearts - have gold, half silver. THere was a pause after she gave the details. I was supposed to comment ... alot. I did.

I said 'Maybe next time it'll be jewelery for your hand' (hee hee).

She didn't 'hee hee'.

Instead she got all serious like I offended her, which surprised me because her and Boyfriend Grampa were very obviously smitten with each other. I felt bad that I hit a nerve. and was all ready to apologize. She didn't give me a chance.

'No' she said with a brand new tone, 'That won't be happening.' (Slight pause). 'I'll tell you something though, that I haven't told many. We've talked about that.'

Apparently 'that' is a secret word.

She continued ... 'I looked into things and we found out that if we *cough cough* got married, I would lose a thousand dollars a month of your grandfather's pension. IT just wouldn't be worth it'.

I simply replied 'Oh' - since I was really only trying to lighten the conversation (not deplete it from all joy). We finished our conversation and I hung up the phone.

My 'living self' began to go on a tangent. It was all in a tither. 'How could anyone think money is more important than love. Especially at their age.' Keep in mind I'm not a romantic -ey thinker. I kept on.

'They are old. They found love again. They should forget about the money and just get hitched already. If that's what they want they need to go for it! How ridiculous! They must not be that serious. They can't love eachother THAT much. Silly. How silly.'

Then as I was retelling the conversation to Wally I realized something. Gramma's 75. Boyfriend Grampa's 84. (Apparently some of her friends didn't approve ... because of the 'age difference' ... I thought old was old. I guess I was wrong.) He, Boyfriend Grampa, constantly teases that he's living on borrowed time, that he will go any day now so he's going to enjoy havin' a lady. Gramma is full of life. Never been truly sick in her life (other than when everyone else was sick that she was caring for - even that wasn't for long). Gramma could live for another 20 years easy. Statistically she will likely outlive Boyfriend Grampa. If she married him she'd lose virtually 2/3's of her income. If he died, sorry I mean when he dies, she's basically screwed.

I then was very impressed at their forethought on the matter and realized how serious they were about one another. My mother later said that Boyfriend Grampa didn't want Gramma to be put in a situation that could possibly do her financial harm for the future. My heart softened.

As I mentioned before I'm not a romantic-ey person. The only thing I romanticize is life really. You know nothing big. Not like relationships and stuff.

But when I heard about my 75 year old Gramma not feeling freedom to be able to marry her love, I felt romantic. I felt like I was witnessing a real Romeo and Juliet. Except they were 60 years older. And their families approved. Ok so maybe that's a bad comparison. But you know. Love that couldn't fully Blossom, couldn't fully be realized.

It made me sad a little.

Then Gramma said something that made me less sad. She said very practically 'It's ok. He comes over around 3 in the afternoon everyday and stays for supper. We see eachother everyday.' Gramma seemed completely satisfied with the solution.

I got to thinking. Maybe the government with all of it's pension rules knows what it's doing after all.

Keeping love young. Keeping love on fire. Keeping love waiting for the next time it will be encountered.

Well sometimes it's nice to pretend.

Gamma's in love.

I have one Gramma. She's 75. Once upon a time she was married to the same man for all of her life. She had 3 girls who each got married and gave her 6 grandchildren. My Gramma was a church organist for ... lots of years and taught piano for lots of years. Since she was 15 years old. A lot of things in her life stayed the same since she was fifteen. Her job (though it expanded into a family), who she was with (my Grampa) and the area she lived.

Her life went along pretty much the same for 50 plus years. Then almost 8 years ago her middle daughter died. Her daughter was only 44. Gramma lived on, she had to, to take care of my Grampa, my broken hearted Grampa. A few months later Grampa had a stroke and lived in the hospital for 2 months until he had a heart attack and died.

While he was in the hospital Gramma's one son in law had a kidney transplant - that was scary but he made it.

Also while Gramma visited Grampa in the hospital her brother tried to commit suicide. He was unsuccessful. So he was then in the hospital too. She had to take care of her brother's business because no one else would - his wife left him.

During this time Gramma got sick from being tired and working so hard. She went to the hospital too. She got better quick, though the doctor said nothing was wrong, her family knew she was plain worn out.

Finally everyone died (except for her son in law). Gramma could rest. And cry. and live.

The first thing Gramma did was buy pants. She never wore pants before - only in the garden. She bought lots of pants. And wore then, all of the time. Even to church.

Then Gramma, on her 72nd birthday got her ears pierced. She bought lots of earings and wears them.

Gramma came out of her shell. She started hosting Bible Studies, going to every social function there was and became a little much for some of her grandchildren. But she was happy, so they were happy.

A few months ago Gramma got a boyfriend. Her first boyfriend (other than Grampa). He cuddles her, sits close to her, smiles and shares inside jokes with her. He even serenades her - or so she says.

I think he loves her. I think she loves him.

She's happy a lot again.

I'm happy too.