Breakfast and beyond

Burnt toast. Fried egg. Oatmeal that's been dropped on the floor.

Ok so I'm not really talking about breakfast....

These are the adjectives I would use to describe how I'm feeling right now.

I know, I know. Squeaky, annoying wheel.

You don't HAVE to read.

Tonight Glo was over and we were doing our own 'Collective Kitchen' with clean eating. What's Collective Kitchen? It's something we do at work for people we support so that they have good home cooked meals that are from scratch (mostly) and already made to put in the freezer and eat through out the month.

Usually they take home several days worth of soup, several good dinners, several servings of a casserole, some burritos, and muffins.

Tonight was our second try at it after a very successful first go. I soon learned that it's probably not a great idea to attempt a long list of cooking (some stuff for the first time), after a long flurried day of work, while being a self proclaimed stress bag, in a small rather disorganized kitchen.

Half way through I almost had a meltdown, inwardly at least. After both of us seriously questioning our virgin attempt at pinto beans and rice, we gave up on the idea of pressing on to our fourth creation of the evening (a yummy butternut squash flax seed soup). I'm afraid the squash nearly ended up on the ceiling due to a very near rage that my insides were contemplating.

I was able to talk a bit about my already discovered feelings on work, the politics there, stress I've been feeling surrounding the politics and worrying way too much about what others think. Glo gave me the suggestion of taking a leave of absence.

Ahhhhhhh *smile* I then retreated briefly to a peaceful place of wonder.

The smell of our burning pinto mixture brought me back to reality quickly.

Why can't I live out what I believe sometimes? Why is it so difficult to do what you know is best for the only one responsible for your own life? Why doesn't it seem to matter to me what people think?

I had a co worker tell me yesterday 'Don't ever let your guard down Eva. Once they know you're weak they play on it'.

Not exactly something a 'what you see is what you get' kinda girl hopes to hear.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing any of this, it's not helpful to anyone really. Well ... except for me.

I'm going to consider talking to someone about this. Like a professional. Someone who might give me a little support and direction. Maybe even permission ... to be ok.

Can I share something on a completely different note? (doesn't wait for answer)

I was talking to an incredibly amazing and lovely retired (depending on how you look at it) couple today who had asked if I had kids and heard my 'no yet ... we're hoping' response. To which the husband (whom I LOVE) replied 'hoping doesn't get you anywhere'. To which I giggled and replied 'Ok, so we're TRYING our best' *wink, wink* (Which I have to say was a lie. We're really trying to try).

This lead us to have a wonderful discussion regarding to our hope to adopt a child from the 'system' but how discouraging others we've told have been. They immediately both rolled their eyes and gave me wise advise:

'Don't tell people what you're gonna do. Just do it.'

I began to share my convictions on adopting locally to which I was welcomed with open arms.

This couple whom have been together for 20 years but just recently got engaged (with a diamond) married a few weeks ago (in their home). Whom have worked closely with the CAS (Children's Aid Society or what you may know as Child Protective Services in other places) for many years leading them to foster many kids and currently have two adult men (brothers) with developmental disabilities who have been with them over a decade that they originally fostered. They got involved in our agency in part because the men had reached adult hood and would likely go back into a 'system' but this couple didn't want to see that happen, they wanted to continue to care for them.

You may be a bit baffled by the idea but these two young men are in their early twenties but appear to be in their yearly teens at best. They are great guys but no less than 2 handfuls of an experience.

It was refreshing to hear people with a gift for what they do, who do it with ease and love that comes so naturally. They're human but can be confused as beyond that. They are people I aspire to be like.

I was thankful for our chat and for my new connection to what could possibly be our future family. I have no doubt they will be a great encouragement and resource in the future. I left them feeling more hopeful about that specific area of my life.

Sometimes you just need a little taste of something good.

Sometimes you just need a little memory of that little taste to remind you that your day wasn't all bad.

Wow, I feel better.

I'm going to keep those two in my mind for a while.

I have definitely felt like I've been sinking lately. It doesn't feel good. That conversation gave me hope (my favourite thing in the world).

How does the saying go?

Hope floats.

Today I learned that it's true. And if you hold on to it, it may be the best life preserver you could ever have.

I'm holding on, with all I have.

Thank you for the hope today Roy and Joan. It means more than you'll ever know :)