Being Positive

Sometimes you've just gotta be.

The past several days have seemed to cast a serious cloud on my mood. I've spent more time than I care to admit being rather down, unmotivated, disconnected and feeling disappointed in myself.

I have never attributed the weather to my own personal mood as I tend to love rainy days and thunderstorms and am not bothered much by overcast clouds. I am wondering if a few things combined with our on and off spring have indeed contributed to a serious slow down on my part.

There's a few things at play other than the weather right now ...

Running Goal: My first 5K run is coming up on Saturday and for some reason my running (that initially was going very well) has been a great struggle. In my personal opinion I think my mood has greatly contributed to this fight, as I maintain most physical goal require even more mental determination and strength than anything else.

Though I only have 5 days to go I still maintain fierce desire to complete it and know that either way I will complete my first 5K run within the next couple of weeks (but it had better be on Saturday!!).

Thailand: Something I have had yet to acknowledge is the fact that I have completed my big dream of visiting another culture and seeing first hand people that are in a very different place than I in many ways. I don't think I ever prepared myself for the 'after shock' of this trip ending, the desire to go back, to potential for another dream (that is not contingent on us having or not having children).

Kind of like just after the party I think I have and perhaps am still experiencing some of the 'blues' of this big even being over. Being someone who thrives on both the big and small events in life it's sometimes difficult to move on after one of them is over and know what to do with what I've learned and how I can hold onto and grow whatever that is.

Work Life: As I have written since coming back from our trip I feel a sense of wanting to love what I do not only while I'm at work but when I do work. I have surrendered (at least mentally) to the idea of working less and tried to be more purposeful about giving work up that I didn't 'click' with and doing more work that I do. This is now a work in progress and something I will have to work on long term I think. I am now only down 2 hours from my original schedule (rather than the 8 hrs that was supposed to be - though unplanned).

I am trying to take time to see where else I should cut back. Riding this wave is strange, especially in the workplace I am in but I will try to continue to be sensitive to it. I am learning the time off is not the key but DOING something that makes you feel valuable and fulfilled IS. I need to concentrate on seeing where I can give back in our community in ways that are both using my talents and time in a positive way.

Community: Wally and I have (for years) struggled with the aspect of building a family, outside of our family, within the area that we live. WE have not been a part of an organized group together in years and would like to pursue this in our faith (something that would also be necessary in many ways if we ever chose to go to Thailand to live and serve for any length of time). It became apparent this weekend when on Easter Sunday we found ourselves on our own. Having already celebrated nicely with my mom's family we had no where else to be or no one to be with (well depending on how you look at it). It would have been a great time to have had an established 'other' family to potentially share the time with. (Though we did end up having a nice impromptu visit with Wally's sister!).

In a few weeks I will be done my weekend working and we really hope to make really make a commitment to settle down and get connected to my former house church family. We not only want this but know that we need it.

Back Sliding: I hate admitting this, I don't want to even go 'there' (or here depending on how you look at it) but Wally and I have fallen back into our binge eating patterns and doing so has landed us gaining some of our lost weight back (the story of Hansel and Gretel comes to mind).

I am thankful that our work on learning and sticking with clean eating (other than our binges), I have no doubt this has helped us keep a relatively healthy diet overall. It seems to be our emotional eating that gets us into trouble, as well as the fact that since moving and trying to settle into our home we have NOT been going to a gym and weight training (a sure fire way to KEEP the weight off even while enjoying treats).

I have just received a free 1 yr membership from a friend (YAY!!!!) enabling me to go back and do classes for free that I really wanted to get into (like yoga, maybe spin and possibly more boxing). I also feel like GOING to the gym was good for me to focus and knuckle down. I am still glad we got the basics for home so Wally can (and he does) use them and when I get back at it (after the 5 K) I can try some of the new stuff I want to try at home.

I guess there is one other thing to mention ...

The Kid Thing: There's no way around it. Though I never wanted to be someone who came out and said 'We're trying!!' I can't really get around the simple and acceptable fact that we are. I guess I have a difficult time saying that we are because I don't take my temperature, write things down or time every fun *wink, wink* activity we do down to the second. It's more of a 'so we don't need these anymore ....' sort of effort.

Who knows what will happen. My main goal it to virtually not worry about it or get overly focused on it, though admittedly this is nearly impossible for someone who write lists about their lists and has goals within their goals. I don't think there's ever a moment when I don't have an idea of something I'd like to accomplish and many of the items on this list interfere (or need to be altered) if I were to be expecting.

Being 31 years old the thoughts weigh heavily on my mind on how and when Wally and I will become parents, as we may or may not conceive and are very interested and wanting to experience the road of adoption. I just feel that this is something to be considered carefully and thoughtfully and done WITHOUT my spontaneous side.

It's 4am and for some unknown reason (to me) I hear the birds chirping rather violently outside. Maybe they are excited about their day.

I for one hope to roll back into bed and catch some more sleep at some point soon praying that I wake up tomorrow on the right side of the bed and am able to see the day for the gift that it is.

Cheers to new days!