Struggling

Once again this is where I find myself. In the midst of several different pulls in different directions. I know where I should go. I know what I could do to make things better. Yet ... I struggle deeply to do it.

I was thinking back yesterday on my original '40 day Adventure'. I was reminded why I had decided to embark on it (if you are new to reading my blog go back to July '09 somewhere and you can read about it - sorry, I still don't know how to link things and stuff. I'm a work in progress).

I had originally set out to do my life changing little experiment because I was tired of eating being my primary method of entertainment.

If I was happy, I would eat.

If I was sad, I would eat.

If I was bored, I would eat.

If I was scared, I would eat.

If I was _________________ (insert anything), I would eat.

Therefore one night I got sick and tired of my only real hobby: eating, that left me feeling ill, bloated, lazy, lacking self confidence to try new things, depressed and without a desire to do anything else.

I had decided to hopefully stem this fixation by forcing myself to use my other senses to experience life in different ways that might bring me joy, discovery, fulfillment and growth. Then I started my list.

My list went from taking the bus downtown (something I'd never done), to showing my appreciation for Bill the door man with some muffins (something I'd always wanted to do). I forced myself to be uncomfortable by trying on and purchasing some less than modest lingerie (not once but three times - as it took me that long to find anything suitable, it was torture), along with my first bikini (that will never be worn), and a fashionable purse (now I am a potential addict). I even challenged myself to expand (what seemed to be) my most used sense of all by only ordering strange-to-me food every time I visited a restaurant.

I completed tasks I'd been avoiding, like washing the windows, making a birthday gift, and getting my passport and realized how little time it takes to get a nagging task off of your shoulders. Don't wait! Do it now!

I pushed myself to give those I wasn't too sure of a chance to win my heart by inviting them out for coffee. In the process I learned that still waters run deep and I need to be more understanding of where people are coming from.

I made a priority of reigniting an old relationships and remembered why it had developed in the first place. Along with this, I had breakfast and lunch with both my brother and sister in law, something I really never do. I learned that relationships take effort on both parts but all it often takes is a phone call.

I, after many years of avoiding it, asked someone a very important question that I was not entirely prepared to hear the answer to. I was able to process the information carefully during a 'safe' time in my life rather than caught off guard later when perhaps life could be more turbulent.

I opened my mind to another faith and went to a Catholic Mass (something I'd love to do again). I reread a popular book of the Bible (John) after having not read it in years - amazing how differently you can see something after years have altered your perspective. It was beautiful.

I separated myself from media for a time, and also enjoyed nature's beauty for free. Wally and I had over potential couple friends we barely knew and loved them (only to find out that they were moving in a couple of months). I had coffee with a co worker whom I bonded with instantly, then shared a pedicure with later, as it was also on the 'list'.

One of my favourites had to have been 'invite 5 girlfriends out for a night on the town' paired with 'try a shot of Tequila'. It was such a fun night full of laughter and bonding. The cool part was they were girlfriends from all different areas of my life but they came anyways and had a ball!

I learned a lot in my 40 days. But there's one thing I didn't do. Free myself from food. I have learned doing that to free yourself from food you simply make a decision not to allow yourself to be a slave.

I was hoping before that by engaging my other senses I would be automatically drawn to leave, what seems to be, my favourite one behind. It was not so.

Even though since my first '40 Day Adventure' my life has been expanded in wonderfully crazy ways that makes it fuller, a bit more exciting and definitely more open to 'different', it hasn't let go of my long time wrestling match with food.

I have learned the proper way to eat perfectly. And I'm even teaching it now! For a long time I did feel free from the lusts of my taste buds, but somehow in recent weeks I have been lured back into the shackles of it once again.

I didn't really want to confess this. I don't want people to know. Most of all I don't want others to think because I have fallen they will fall, or because I struggle then it's impossible. I am all about hope.

I know beyond a doubt that the fight I keep picking is of my own lack of decision. I know that there's no magic formula to winning this battle (that of eating when you don't need to - I'm not referring to weight loss, for that there is a formula).

However, will all of this being said, I would love to make another list of sorts. Maybe take another look at my second '40 Day Adventure' and see what I've left behind, revise up a new list of things I want to try and more importantly write about.

There are so many things I want to do and share.

By the way, sticking to my decision to eat clean and out of hunger rather than emotion is one of them.

I'll get there. I am getting there.

Now to enjoy the road to where 'There' is...