Dreamin'

Can I tell you a secret?

I've been blogging on my other blog for the past couple of weeks. If you don't remember, it's the one surrounding my body.

I didn't want to say anything because I didn't' want my writing to become dishonest or staged. I feel in a rhythm so I'm no longer afraid of this. (If you're interested, you'll find it under my profile).

I have so much to share right now....so much.

But today has been focused on many, many things. Things I will soon share. Great things.

For now though I will take a minute to answer a reader's question from my last post asking if I would do the dress and the aisle again, if I had a choice looking back.

I love that question. I love the honesty in it.

It's a difficult one to answer in a way, but I will try.

Up until a few weeks ago I would have probably said this: yes I'd get married but maybe I'd wait. Maybe I'd try to live on my own first, travel a lot more, go to school and date around here and there. Hmmm ... even thinking about that makes me smile a little. The dreamyness of it all, the freedom, the memories I imagine having that are water coloured and smudged around the edges.

Somehow in my memories I have a different body shape. One that looks fabulous in faded jeans with a chunky brown leather belt. One that already has the flexability and strength I am striving for right now (both physically and in my personality).

In those memories I've had the perfect loft apartment with hardwood floors a cushy couch and light white curtains over tall bright windows. I feel confident in all of the decisions I have made and ready for when the right man comes along.

It's now I give myself a shake and realize I'm living in a fantasy world. That though waiting to get married could have offered me a different life, it would not necessarily have been a better life than I have now. Who really knows?

I'm not sure if the reader was asking if I would do over the wedding or the marriage, but I can answer both.

As for the marriage. It's only been in the past few weeks, maybe even days that I can say with complete honesty that I am glad and thankful for my marriage, even in it's early arrival into my life. This is the first time I can say that I dont' regret marrying young, or not living on my own, or dating other people, or going to school.

It's taken all of the nearly ten years of marriage for me to come to this place. Probably because it's taken that long for Wally and I to become what I always hoped to be. That being said we still have a long, long way to go. And I know that's not guaranteed.

I may write more about this topic later.

As for the wedding....

I would definitely have a wedding. I believe in what it stands for, in what the meaning is. It has religious ties that I also am grounded in.

I'm not sure if I care much for the lawful end of marriage. Meaning, to me marriage is committing to one person for the rest of your life, under the grounds that you are both pursuing to respect and encourage growth in one another.

In our culture though, people are hardly capable of standing by their word and thus probably at some point needed a lawful binding thus turning many marriages into mere contracts. I don't know many people that could stick out a relationship, committed to another person until death without a piece of paper.

I will fully admit, I'm one of those people. The legal contract has saved me from running on more than one occasion. Yet ultimately I am here now of my own choosing and am thankful for anything that has kept me here to enjoy the benefits of the hard times.

I strayed, I was talking about the wedding...

The wedding Wally and I had nearly ten years ago was perfect for us for that time. It was full of meaning and love. It was us.

However now, knowing what I know, I would do somethings differently.

I would have only a few people. A fraction of the 165 that attended the one we had.

I would wear a dress I felt 100% beautiful in.

I would think harder about what I wanted for pictures. (Our pictures were good but I hardly thought about the simple moments that would be nice to capture).

I would have the food we had at our big party last year. Buns and meat with cold appetizers that are yummy and fun! (Which means party mix is a must!)

I would have both of my parents walk me down the aisle and still have my brother up there crying his eyes out as he did at my original wedding.

I'd dance, dance, dance.

The weather would be perfect.

I'd have a big flower in my hair. My hair would be short because that's how it best suits me. I'd be ok with that.

I would've already experienced the worst with Wally and would look forward only to the best. (Ok so I'm off in fairy land here but, it's my dream).

Wally and I have talked about renewing our vows. This would have been our year (tehnically) to do it. On March 24th it will be our diamond anniversary. We will be in Thailand. This means everything to me.

I would love to renew our vows. New ones that fit us now and what we know.

How cool would that be? To renew our vows in Thailand? (Minus the fancy and plus the love).

Maybe that's something to think about.

Well, enough dreamin' I've gotta run!

By the way,

Wally ...

I love you.

Today I have been faithful to you.

Eva :)