Well, I have to say I feel much better than I did when I wrote my last post 10 hrs ago.
What's changed? Nothing much really.
I've had the day completely to myself to clean the house, create some healthy snacks in the kitchen and finish patiently waiting laundry. Oh and I must mention the 5 K run I had at the gym this morning without any trouble (my first run in over 2 weeks since the fund raiser!!).
As the day went by I looked up some houses on MLS (I know, we're not thinking of moving yet for another year but I like to jump the gun). I decided I LOVE our little bungalow with hideous paneling in the basement, and I love what few things we've done to the place since moving here.
I'm no so much in love with the fact that after my shower this afternoon I heard mousecapades going on over the ceiling in the bathroom. Oh well, as long as they stay up there until I con someone else into going up and killing the little buggers I'm not too worried.
I love being home. I love breathing and noticing that I'm alive. I love the pace of my two little friends (don't love their timing when walking across a freshly washed kitchen floor that's not yet dry).
I love ... creating home.
So, in light of this little discovery I am going ot spend the next year researching, learning, asking questions and figuring out how Wally and I can make our dreams come true having me be at home as much as possible.
I'll have to learn more about budgeting, ok I'll rephrase that because honestly I'm a great budgeter, I'm going to learn how to create and APPLY a good budget. I'm going to challenge myself to be even more frugal than I always have been. Maybe I'll even start a networking system for others to be able to access to make dollars go farther.
I'm going to start daring to believe I will be a mom and a wife that I've always wanted to be.
Last week I went to an advanced workshop on 'Core Gifts' that I got trained in last year (I told you a bit about it at the time). It's an interview process that's very personalized that helps the interviewee learn what their Core Gift is and how they best use it.
I did mine again with someone new. My Core Gift was the same but how I do it was much more defined and clear. Bang on in my opinion. Here it is:
My core gift is: helping people connect with one another.
I do this by: being real, meeting people where they are at, gaining strength by learning new things and making something great out of nothing.
By knowing my 'Core Gift' and how I specifically use it I can use it more and be more fulfilled.
I'm sure to some it sounds like hocus pocus psychology. If I was capable and patient enough to explain it I may be able to win you over. I find it fascinating and after learning more behind it I think it's very real.
Anyways, today has let me breathe and given me time to let some things settle in.
Due to things changing at work I still have a schedule around 30-32 hrs a week plus meetings and special training stuff. I'm going to go with it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes but I still wonder if it'd be best if I let a shift or two go still. We'll see.
For now I'll enjoy the air.
Ahhhh.....
Monday, May 16, 2011
What to do? What to do?
Crazy.
I feel like that's what the last month has been like.
Between working 40 hrs a week, fitting in what seems to be a tonne of coffee dates with old friends from out of town, a couple of bridal showers out of town, Easter and Mother's day gatherings, and getting back to the gym (or at least trying to with my new free membership), life has just seemed over the top.
It's been exactly what I didn't want after we got back from Thailand.
The visits with old friends have been great but always seem sandwiched between a bunch of obligations that have left me sapped for energy.
The weather has also been more rainy than not and never at the right time. Our front and backyards look terrible and no doubt our neighbours are ready for us to put a 'For Sale' sign out.
Speaking of which this idea too has popped up.
Wally and I have been talking a lot about moving somewhere a bit more conducive to his job. As it turns out not long after we bought our house he began traveling a lot more. Once a week he goes down the busiest highway in the country a good hour, and often he travels a couple hours down that same highway in the same direction to another city for work as well. Right now he gets paid mileage from our house to these places, which is costing us nothing ultimately for his travels in general (the days he doesn't go further he still drives over a half hour away to work). But, gas prices have sky rocketed and it would not be smart for us to continue this in the long run. Especially if I'm going to only work part time when (if it ever happens!) we have kids.
*sigh*
Moving also costs money though and requires much thought.
Do we move to the city he'll work in mostly? Will he have that job long enough to make it worth while? Do we want to raise our children there? I would have to give up the only agency I'd ever work in related to my field. There are tonnes of jobs everywhere in my field but I honestly don't think I could work in a group home again or under a different philosophy either, I just couldn't do it.
A strong possibility of a town we are considering is back closer to where we grew up. Both of our siblings live there which I think would be nice. But then our parents would all be closer to which has it's good points and not as enticing points. We've enjoyed the idea of less frequent visits yet often more meaningful (usually) from them but like the idea of the familiarity and convenience of being closer to everyone. We were told straight out from some family we'd never see them if we moved to certain places as they wouldn't travel in the 'chaos' of an unknown 'confusing' city. Feels great to be so loved (sarcasm strongly intended).
We'd love to go down to one vehicle (in principle anyways), it would likely save half my income (I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was when it comes to thinking practically considering my reaction to the daycare stuff).
I started looking at houses, even though we are not thinking about moving for another year still, and I was sad. I love our little house and the small changes we've already made to make it ours. The thought of starting over AGAIN is overwhelming and exciting. It's such a difficult decision, one I wish someone could make for us. I love where we live now both the city and the area we are in close to a park, a swimming pool and two schools. It's quiet, just no longer practical.
Another drawback to moving to the very convenient place we're thinking of is that it feels weird. Ask anyone that has moved out of the area they grew up and are thinking or have thought about moving back after a period of time away and they will likely agree that it's an odd thought.
I compare it to putting a pair of your old favourite jeans back on. Even though you loved them at the time and couldn't imagine anything better, when you put them on again they don't feel the same, fit the same or look the same, something about them just isn't right.
Luckily we have a whole year to think on the possibilities. And pray for divine intervention.
In the mean time trying to let go of having control over the kid thing has also been an issue. It's not all about 'oh I'm not pregnant my life is over', it's more about 'do we really have to try? can't this just happen so we know what to do next?' I hate not being able to prepare for stuff.
I've also been attacked by different thoughts of 'Maybe we're not meant to have any kids and should just be at peace with it' maybe it's too late, we're too old to change our no kid life, our ten years of just us ways of life'. I don't know!!
Every once in a while I think about what it would be like to quit working altogether and just test the waters of what my life and philosophies on life would be like as a non working woman who falls into a traditional roll in a non traditional culture. What great things may come out of that?
I said to Wally last night that I notice the more I work the less on top of our money I am, the more that is spent without thought and the less money we actually seem to have. I hate this irresponsible attitude but it comes with the North American busy life way I think.
I don't like it.
I have felt rather misplaced lately. I don't' like that either.
What does a 31 year old working but unsatisfied woman, married ten years and wanting more out of life do? Where does she go?
I wish I had these answers, I really do.
If anyone has wisdom or advice I'm open, just be a little sensitive please. I'm not a complete stone.
I feel like that's what the last month has been like.
Between working 40 hrs a week, fitting in what seems to be a tonne of coffee dates with old friends from out of town, a couple of bridal showers out of town, Easter and Mother's day gatherings, and getting back to the gym (or at least trying to with my new free membership), life has just seemed over the top.
It's been exactly what I didn't want after we got back from Thailand.
The visits with old friends have been great but always seem sandwiched between a bunch of obligations that have left me sapped for energy.
The weather has also been more rainy than not and never at the right time. Our front and backyards look terrible and no doubt our neighbours are ready for us to put a 'For Sale' sign out.
Speaking of which this idea too has popped up.
Wally and I have been talking a lot about moving somewhere a bit more conducive to his job. As it turns out not long after we bought our house he began traveling a lot more. Once a week he goes down the busiest highway in the country a good hour, and often he travels a couple hours down that same highway in the same direction to another city for work as well. Right now he gets paid mileage from our house to these places, which is costing us nothing ultimately for his travels in general (the days he doesn't go further he still drives over a half hour away to work). But, gas prices have sky rocketed and it would not be smart for us to continue this in the long run. Especially if I'm going to only work part time when (if it ever happens!) we have kids.
*sigh*
Moving also costs money though and requires much thought.
Do we move to the city he'll work in mostly? Will he have that job long enough to make it worth while? Do we want to raise our children there? I would have to give up the only agency I'd ever work in related to my field. There are tonnes of jobs everywhere in my field but I honestly don't think I could work in a group home again or under a different philosophy either, I just couldn't do it.
A strong possibility of a town we are considering is back closer to where we grew up. Both of our siblings live there which I think would be nice. But then our parents would all be closer to which has it's good points and not as enticing points. We've enjoyed the idea of less frequent visits yet often more meaningful (usually) from them but like the idea of the familiarity and convenience of being closer to everyone. We were told straight out from some family we'd never see them if we moved to certain places as they wouldn't travel in the 'chaos' of an unknown 'confusing' city. Feels great to be so loved (sarcasm strongly intended).
We'd love to go down to one vehicle (in principle anyways), it would likely save half my income (I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was when it comes to thinking practically considering my reaction to the daycare stuff).
I started looking at houses, even though we are not thinking about moving for another year still, and I was sad. I love our little house and the small changes we've already made to make it ours. The thought of starting over AGAIN is overwhelming and exciting. It's such a difficult decision, one I wish someone could make for us. I love where we live now both the city and the area we are in close to a park, a swimming pool and two schools. It's quiet, just no longer practical.
Another drawback to moving to the very convenient place we're thinking of is that it feels weird. Ask anyone that has moved out of the area they grew up and are thinking or have thought about moving back after a period of time away and they will likely agree that it's an odd thought.
I compare it to putting a pair of your old favourite jeans back on. Even though you loved them at the time and couldn't imagine anything better, when you put them on again they don't feel the same, fit the same or look the same, something about them just isn't right.
Luckily we have a whole year to think on the possibilities. And pray for divine intervention.
In the mean time trying to let go of having control over the kid thing has also been an issue. It's not all about 'oh I'm not pregnant my life is over', it's more about 'do we really have to try? can't this just happen so we know what to do next?' I hate not being able to prepare for stuff.
I've also been attacked by different thoughts of 'Maybe we're not meant to have any kids and should just be at peace with it' maybe it's too late, we're too old to change our no kid life, our ten years of just us ways of life'. I don't know!!
Every once in a while I think about what it would be like to quit working altogether and just test the waters of what my life and philosophies on life would be like as a non working woman who falls into a traditional roll in a non traditional culture. What great things may come out of that?
I said to Wally last night that I notice the more I work the less on top of our money I am, the more that is spent without thought and the less money we actually seem to have. I hate this irresponsible attitude but it comes with the North American busy life way I think.
I don't like it.
I have felt rather misplaced lately. I don't' like that either.
What does a 31 year old working but unsatisfied woman, married ten years and wanting more out of life do? Where does she go?
I wish I had these answers, I really do.
If anyone has wisdom or advice I'm open, just be a little sensitive please. I'm not a complete stone.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
C U tomorrow
I might blog tomorrow ... we'll see.
Trying to figure out life's mysteries with little success.
Hmmmmm.....
Trying to figure out life's mysteries with little success.
Hmmmmm.....
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Accomplishments and Realizations
Well it's been a while.
I've found that writing seems to come in waves and once the wave has passed I am knocked out and ready to just float for a while.
However, I have some exciting stuff to share (well exciting to me!).
As you may remember last Saturday was my 5K fundraiser for Compasio AND my first official 5K run.
In total we had 9 adults, 2 kids, 2 dogs and one baby (still in the womb).
Of those there we had 3 runners, 5 walkers, 1 biker, 2 stollers (well, 2 in one) and 2 panters (on leash), and 1 just riding the wave.
Altogether we raised $705!!! Which takes us to at least $4220 or higher (still unsure of cheques sent in) of my $10 000 goal! I'm pretty happy with that as we now just have a garage sale to go before I take a little break for a while and I'm hoping that will get us to the half way point.
I have to say on the day of the run I was super nervous. I had just completed my first 5K run on my own the previous Tuesday, but I knew this would be a bit different as there were a couple of serious hills in the route and I had never even run a hill before let alone in the longest run I'd done.
I also had only gotten 6 hrs of sleep the night before and not slept much the night before that. In addition my body had decided it would remind me of my femaleness which could not have been worse timing. (I had always avoided running during these lovely little reminders as I often feel as though my death is impending).
But, God gave me an incredible running partner who knew exactly how to encourage me and cheer me on.
As Glo and I topped our first hill very soon into the run I looked at her as if I might as well give up right then .... but she just gave me the ever 'You can do it!' expression she's always carrying.
I'm pretty sure there wasn't a second during the 5K that I didn't question myself. Not one step of it felt comfortable, enjoyable or .... good. I told myself over and over 'You can do this. YOu can do this. YOu can do this.' I even reminded myself of the facebook status that I would post when I was done, just to give me incentive.
When the 5K were finally done and we reached the invisable finish line by ourselves we hugged (as I eyed up the closest bench to sit on) and verbalized our success (well mine, Glo's a pro).
I noticed that it was only just over the 30 minute mark, far better than the last time by several minutes (Glo later told me we had done it in 31 minutes and 30 secs!!). I was very impressed considering how much work it felt like.
You know what the funny thing is about a challenge like this? I've learned that it's not completing the challenge that gives you the rush really ... it's going for the challenge, daring to believe you can do it (I know I sound like a cheese bag).
Seriously. I think I got more of a high out of deciding to do teh 5 K in the first place, out of telling people what my goal was, out of working on it over time.
Of course accomplishing it was amazing and it felt great to say I completed a goal but most of the excitement was really in the decision to go for the challenge.
Pretty cool actually. The process WAS the real show!
I've now of course decided that I want to try to run a 10 K. What would be really cool would be to do one with Glo at the end of June when she does one with her dad on a huge bridge near where she grew up (its a sort of famous bridge). We'll see.
I googled a training program for a 10 K and though it says anyone that does a 5K can do a 10 K with little issue or training I like the idea of preparing. My training program includes weight training. So of course I decided to start yesterday. I did the weight training and 'streching' (which was a yoga class at the gym with Glo) and can now barely walk, sit down or stand up without a lot of grumbling. In fact the young lady I was supporting heard my moans and groans today several times when getting in and out of the car and she asked if I was ok. Finally she said 'YOu need to go to doctor'.
I forgot how mentallyl tough training was and how physically painful the first couple weeks are. Yikes. Needless to say my pain has casued me to skip the 2 mile run that I was scheduled for today. Maybe I'll get ot my cross training tomorrow .... maybe. My focus is to get back to the weights over the next week or two.
Work has been crazy lately. Conferences last week and this, next week too. Shuffling of scheduling, training new staff and being trained and doing what I love most I think: advocating and trying to see how best to be a voice for those I support.
I find that my favourite shifts are definitely with those I feel that I getan opportunity to be a voice for. It may be in a small way like 'Is it the person I support who wants to spend their money that way or is it their staff?' or in a bigger way: making the call when I seriously wonder if some form of abuse could be happening. Ultimately I'm learning that my gut instict really needs to be heard and often acted upon.
I'm learning that when you really love an aspect of your job you don't pay a whole lot of attention to how long you work, when or the legistics, when you are passionate and care you do what needs to be done. I have felt that lately (at my job!!) It's very reassuring to me that I may not have completely struck out when choosing to work in this field and that maybe, just maybe I do have something to offer the people I support. This excites me.
A few things I wish right now ...
* that I could soak in a nice hot bath and relax my muscles (I can't for 2 reasons: We don't have a plug for our tub right now, and honestly I have no idea how I would ever get out of the tub once in - I'm in that much pain!)
* that my passion and possibly giftings didn't require me to be the bee in people's bonnets (oh well)
* I knew the answers to a few 'gut' feelings I've been having in my personal life lately
* that my parents hadn't seen the prenatal vitamins on our dining room table and now likely assume we'll be sharing news any day when that may never be a reality.
* that I made an appointment to get a hair cut a few weeks ago
* that Glo wasn't moving far away in a couple of months
* or that my closest friend wasn't going back to her land far away tomorrow
Anyhoo, I gotta roll into bed. I mean that very literally as actually movin my limbs may kill me.
Good night.
I've found that writing seems to come in waves and once the wave has passed I am knocked out and ready to just float for a while.
However, I have some exciting stuff to share (well exciting to me!).
As you may remember last Saturday was my 5K fundraiser for Compasio AND my first official 5K run.
In total we had 9 adults, 2 kids, 2 dogs and one baby (still in the womb).
Of those there we had 3 runners, 5 walkers, 1 biker, 2 stollers (well, 2 in one) and 2 panters (on leash), and 1 just riding the wave.
Altogether we raised $705!!! Which takes us to at least $4220 or higher (still unsure of cheques sent in) of my $10 000 goal! I'm pretty happy with that as we now just have a garage sale to go before I take a little break for a while and I'm hoping that will get us to the half way point.
I have to say on the day of the run I was super nervous. I had just completed my first 5K run on my own the previous Tuesday, but I knew this would be a bit different as there were a couple of serious hills in the route and I had never even run a hill before let alone in the longest run I'd done.
I also had only gotten 6 hrs of sleep the night before and not slept much the night before that. In addition my body had decided it would remind me of my femaleness which could not have been worse timing. (I had always avoided running during these lovely little reminders as I often feel as though my death is impending).
But, God gave me an incredible running partner who knew exactly how to encourage me and cheer me on.
As Glo and I topped our first hill very soon into the run I looked at her as if I might as well give up right then .... but she just gave me the ever 'You can do it!' expression she's always carrying.
I'm pretty sure there wasn't a second during the 5K that I didn't question myself. Not one step of it felt comfortable, enjoyable or .... good. I told myself over and over 'You can do this. YOu can do this. YOu can do this.' I even reminded myself of the facebook status that I would post when I was done, just to give me incentive.
When the 5K were finally done and we reached the invisable finish line by ourselves we hugged (as I eyed up the closest bench to sit on) and verbalized our success (well mine, Glo's a pro).
I noticed that it was only just over the 30 minute mark, far better than the last time by several minutes (Glo later told me we had done it in 31 minutes and 30 secs!!). I was very impressed considering how much work it felt like.
You know what the funny thing is about a challenge like this? I've learned that it's not completing the challenge that gives you the rush really ... it's going for the challenge, daring to believe you can do it (I know I sound like a cheese bag).
Seriously. I think I got more of a high out of deciding to do teh 5 K in the first place, out of telling people what my goal was, out of working on it over time.
Of course accomplishing it was amazing and it felt great to say I completed a goal but most of the excitement was really in the decision to go for the challenge.
Pretty cool actually. The process WAS the real show!
I've now of course decided that I want to try to run a 10 K. What would be really cool would be to do one with Glo at the end of June when she does one with her dad on a huge bridge near where she grew up (its a sort of famous bridge). We'll see.
I googled a training program for a 10 K and though it says anyone that does a 5K can do a 10 K with little issue or training I like the idea of preparing. My training program includes weight training. So of course I decided to start yesterday. I did the weight training and 'streching' (which was a yoga class at the gym with Glo) and can now barely walk, sit down or stand up without a lot of grumbling. In fact the young lady I was supporting heard my moans and groans today several times when getting in and out of the car and she asked if I was ok. Finally she said 'YOu need to go to doctor'.
I forgot how mentallyl tough training was and how physically painful the first couple weeks are. Yikes. Needless to say my pain has casued me to skip the 2 mile run that I was scheduled for today. Maybe I'll get ot my cross training tomorrow .... maybe. My focus is to get back to the weights over the next week or two.
Work has been crazy lately. Conferences last week and this, next week too. Shuffling of scheduling, training new staff and being trained and doing what I love most I think: advocating and trying to see how best to be a voice for those I support.
I find that my favourite shifts are definitely with those I feel that I getan opportunity to be a voice for. It may be in a small way like 'Is it the person I support who wants to spend their money that way or is it their staff?' or in a bigger way: making the call when I seriously wonder if some form of abuse could be happening. Ultimately I'm learning that my gut instict really needs to be heard and often acted upon.
I'm learning that when you really love an aspect of your job you don't pay a whole lot of attention to how long you work, when or the legistics, when you are passionate and care you do what needs to be done. I have felt that lately (at my job!!) It's very reassuring to me that I may not have completely struck out when choosing to work in this field and that maybe, just maybe I do have something to offer the people I support. This excites me.
A few things I wish right now ...
* that I could soak in a nice hot bath and relax my muscles (I can't for 2 reasons: We don't have a plug for our tub right now, and honestly I have no idea how I would ever get out of the tub once in - I'm in that much pain!)
* that my passion and possibly giftings didn't require me to be the bee in people's bonnets (oh well)
* I knew the answers to a few 'gut' feelings I've been having in my personal life lately
* that my parents hadn't seen the prenatal vitamins on our dining room table and now likely assume we'll be sharing news any day when that may never be a reality.
* that I made an appointment to get a hair cut a few weeks ago
* that Glo wasn't moving far away in a couple of months
* or that my closest friend wasn't going back to her land far away tomorrow
Anyhoo, I gotta roll into bed. I mean that very literally as actually movin my limbs may kill me.
Good night.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I wish, I wish
It's 4 am and I should be heading back to bed after being up for an hour and a half already but I want to write ... apparently about nothing.
I think sometimes I'm kept up because I just think as time in the night is sacred, uninterrupted, unguilty time that I ca use however I want to.
I mean I can't really do laundry as Wally's trying to sleep. I should do dishes but again it would be too noisy. What else is there but to surf the net, write inappropriate comments on people's facebook pictures and try and solve all fo my problems.
It beats a stuffy bedroom.
I actually want a solution.
To a .... somewhat unexciting life.
I made a comment the other day on FB about not wanting a 'standard old life' and then I was asked what that was. I'm guessing I probably had people thinking I meant that life can't be exciting living the 'norm'. You know being married with kids and a regular job.
That's not what I meant at all.
If anyone has met my closest friend they'd know that she is the epitome of exciting (in my opinion) and she is essentially a stay at home air force wife.
She is not afraid to take her kids anywhere anytime to try almost anything. She doesn't allow life to hold her back from living.
Currently her husband is on a 7 month deploy to Afghanistan. They have a 4 yr old son, 2 1/2 (almost) yr old daughter and she found out just after he left that they are expecting baby number three 6 weeks after his return.
Not to mention they live in Florida, her family lives in Canada, his family live in Ohio and other parts of Florida that are still 8 hrs away.
There is never a dull moment in her life. Never.
Now my hope is not to come across all 'My life is so boring and hers is perfect and blah, blah, blah ... the grass is greener over there.' Because that's not the point.
The point is she's a bloomer. Where ever she's puts she's beautiful. She adapts to her surroundings even when there seems nary a drop of water in sight. I admire that.
I feel like I need a manual on how to dig in roots, look for water, stay clear of weeds and look my best. Flowers are supposed to know what to do already aren't they?
I'm sort of hoping much of the sort of emptiness Wally and I are feeling is the lack of our own little family. Both of us are really beginning to sense that gaping hole in our world. Not in a 'We need a baby to complete us' way, but more in a 'We want to nurture and give to someone else's life meaningfully' way.
Thank goodness we don't need biological or our own children to fill that void (at least not most of it).
Wouldn't life be easier if it all just happened?
Sometimes I struggle with how much power we have over it and how we choose to respond to it. I wish somethings we couldn't decide, but then again ... I better be careful for what I wish for.
Sometimes I think that I handle 'outside of my control circumstances' better because I know I had no part in making them happen. When I don't create the problem I feel much less obliged to have to know how to fix it and more at ease to just trust for what I need to 'handle' it. Probably much of the reason I've hesitated at the idea of 'deciding' when it was right for us to have kids. How often do we really know what's best for us?!
I think that's why I was able to become at peace so quickly with originally losing so many hours at work, because at least half of it was not my decision. Of course since then I have gained back more time and am now in the dilemma of having to decide myself what's best for me. Do I cut back somewhere else? Do I accept things as they are? How do I know what's meant to be and what I should intervene with?
Generally I'm a faith filled person that would say 'just do what your heart says' but as I get older it's a wee bit more difficult to obey the heart over the mind.
I will still try though.
I wish I prayed more. I wish I felt less distracted and more connected. I wish I could quiet myself better. I wish I didn't always feel so restless.
I wish, I wish.
Well, it's been 2 hours and I haven't solved all of the world's problems yet. Maybe one solution is to go back to bed. I think I'm gonna do that.
Nighty night.
I think sometimes I'm kept up because I just think as time in the night is sacred, uninterrupted, unguilty time that I ca use however I want to.
I mean I can't really do laundry as Wally's trying to sleep. I should do dishes but again it would be too noisy. What else is there but to surf the net, write inappropriate comments on people's facebook pictures and try and solve all fo my problems.
It beats a stuffy bedroom.
I actually want a solution.
To a .... somewhat unexciting life.
I made a comment the other day on FB about not wanting a 'standard old life' and then I was asked what that was. I'm guessing I probably had people thinking I meant that life can't be exciting living the 'norm'. You know being married with kids and a regular job.
That's not what I meant at all.
If anyone has met my closest friend they'd know that she is the epitome of exciting (in my opinion) and she is essentially a stay at home air force wife.
She is not afraid to take her kids anywhere anytime to try almost anything. She doesn't allow life to hold her back from living.
Currently her husband is on a 7 month deploy to Afghanistan. They have a 4 yr old son, 2 1/2 (almost) yr old daughter and she found out just after he left that they are expecting baby number three 6 weeks after his return.
Not to mention they live in Florida, her family lives in Canada, his family live in Ohio and other parts of Florida that are still 8 hrs away.
There is never a dull moment in her life. Never.
Now my hope is not to come across all 'My life is so boring and hers is perfect and blah, blah, blah ... the grass is greener over there.' Because that's not the point.
The point is she's a bloomer. Where ever she's puts she's beautiful. She adapts to her surroundings even when there seems nary a drop of water in sight. I admire that.
I feel like I need a manual on how to dig in roots, look for water, stay clear of weeds and look my best. Flowers are supposed to know what to do already aren't they?
I'm sort of hoping much of the sort of emptiness Wally and I are feeling is the lack of our own little family. Both of us are really beginning to sense that gaping hole in our world. Not in a 'We need a baby to complete us' way, but more in a 'We want to nurture and give to someone else's life meaningfully' way.
Thank goodness we don't need biological or our own children to fill that void (at least not most of it).
Wouldn't life be easier if it all just happened?
Sometimes I struggle with how much power we have over it and how we choose to respond to it. I wish somethings we couldn't decide, but then again ... I better be careful for what I wish for.
Sometimes I think that I handle 'outside of my control circumstances' better because I know I had no part in making them happen. When I don't create the problem I feel much less obliged to have to know how to fix it and more at ease to just trust for what I need to 'handle' it. Probably much of the reason I've hesitated at the idea of 'deciding' when it was right for us to have kids. How often do we really know what's best for us?!
I think that's why I was able to become at peace so quickly with originally losing so many hours at work, because at least half of it was not my decision. Of course since then I have gained back more time and am now in the dilemma of having to decide myself what's best for me. Do I cut back somewhere else? Do I accept things as they are? How do I know what's meant to be and what I should intervene with?
Generally I'm a faith filled person that would say 'just do what your heart says' but as I get older it's a wee bit more difficult to obey the heart over the mind.
I will still try though.
I wish I prayed more. I wish I felt less distracted and more connected. I wish I could quiet myself better. I wish I didn't always feel so restless.
I wish, I wish.
Well, it's been 2 hours and I haven't solved all of the world's problems yet. Maybe one solution is to go back to bed. I think I'm gonna do that.
Nighty night.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
No itch to scratch
Lately I haven't really had the itch to write much.
I just finished a book and have now been watching a lot of online tv. Maybe there's a connection there (reading and the desire to write)?
Life's life.
Struggles are struggles.
Triumphs are triumphs.
Failures are .... chances to learn how to do things better next time.
I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out right now.
To abandon the idea that I failed and embrace the chance I have to do better. That's the hardest lesson ever. (Especially when people and objects, like to point them out).
What's your biggest inward struggle?
I just finished a book and have now been watching a lot of online tv. Maybe there's a connection there (reading and the desire to write)?
Life's life.
Struggles are struggles.
Triumphs are triumphs.
Failures are .... chances to learn how to do things better next time.
I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out right now.
To abandon the idea that I failed and embrace the chance I have to do better. That's the hardest lesson ever. (Especially when people and objects, like to point them out).
What's your biggest inward struggle?
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