In my dream world ...
My dogs wouldn't 'mark' my treadmill. My fingers wouldn't feel the excruciating pain of a -25 degree Celsius walk with them. My husband would come out of 3 years of college knowing how to change the toilet paper roll, then actually do it. Although it wouldn't matter, because the roll would never come to an end but fighting over stupid things would.
In my dream world ...
Chocolate cake wouldn't be R rated in my diet. Diets wouldn't exist. Nor would the need to scrub my bath tub. The electric fireplace we have would feel (and cost) the same as a gas one. I would have interior decorator instincts causing my house to look perfectly me and I wouldn't care if one room 'matched' the next. Because it wouldn't matter.
In my dream world ...
I would wake up without evidence that a crow has nested itself in my hair. The grays that peak out after distinct efforts to keep it hidden wouldn't bother me. Every pair of pants I owned would be of the yoga persuasion. Yoga would be as easy as it looked. Looks wouldn't matter.
In my dream world ...
People would always be happy therefore causing extreme generosity. All of the close-to-the-store parking spots would be open. As would people's minds causing mass fits of understanding and compassion. There wouldn't be racism, sexism, homophobia, or religiosity, only room for genuine love.
In my dream world ...
Every one would be living out their purpose and be fulfilled with what they do and what they've been given. There wouldn't be 'poor' people because no one would get left behind. We wouldn't have to 'look forward' to something happening because everything that does is exactly as it should and enjoyed for what it is. No one would get sick with fear, disease, ignorance, or despair. We would be whole.
In my dream world ....
My dog Sour would let me cuddle him whenever I wanted. Cuddles would be a requirement of the day. Days would go by at perfect speed. Speed would only be a measurement of time.
In my dream world ....
Old friends live down the street. The street is made of dirt and I don't care if it gets in my house. My house would be open for all who needed it and I would be completely ok with this. I would bake the best chocolate chip cookies after school for my kids and they would appreciate each and every bite (then offer to do the dishes). The neighbour dog would wag rather than bark and not make me scared that he'll eat my dogs Sweet and Sour for his dinner.
In my dream world ...
My writing would be perfect and editing wouldn't be needed (even though I don't do it anyways). People would always understand my sense of humour and I would never say the wrong things. I wouldn't care about winning or pointing out other people's flaws. I'd only look at the good in people and have understanding for the things that are under construction.
In my dream world...
I am always on perfect time. Time doesn't really exist. Everyone can opt to work from home in their pajamas (especially on snow days) and drink the world's best hot chocolate while sitting in front of the cozy warm fire. I know how to deal with every situation that arises. I don't avoid funeral visitations because they are actually fun parties thrown to celebrate a life. Laughter is the most contagious virus and it heals instantly. There are also little elves that live in your cupboards that cook, clean, do your laundry and fix things around your house when you go to bed. They love you too.
In my dream world ....
People teach me how to be a hugger. I teach them how to write thoughtful notes to those that make a difference in their lives. I am comfortably warm all of the time and never need to worry about armpit stains. I am physically fit and able at any given moment and mentally strong enough to handle any fit of rage or discouraging word (even though I won't need to be). I will cry when it makes sense and smile when it doesn't.
Most of all in my dream world ....
I am loved beyond reason by those seen and unseen.
Wait a minute .... this one I already have.
Seems like the others are just extras to remind me what really matters to help me through this very imperfect world. And, that I am likely living someone else's dream world as we speak. Must remember this.
I still look forward to someday enjoying perfection in all of it's glory. Little elves and all.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Bee's Goodbye
Today (or by the time this is published, yesterday) was tough.
I spent 2 1/2 hours sitting in my chair with 1000 other people paying tribute to a beautiful woman's life that was very well lived.
I am exhausted and emotionally drained. Yet, after the long conversation Wally and I shared before bed, I am left awake with only my thoughts.
The service itself was nice. There was laughter, tears and stories celebrated all around Bee's life. There were numerous pictures to remind us of whom we lost. The spirit of Bee was nearly palpable, something I've only ever experienced at one other funeral years ago (and I've been to many, many funerals). Bee, in so many ways, was with us.
Though Wally and I happened to find ourselves surrounded by chatterboxes both before and during the service, and despite someone's outburst at a pinnacle point in Pastor D.'s personal message, AND even though a person had to be carried out by ambulance attendants on a stretcher, it was still a wonderful send off.
However, for some reason I found myself barely kept together through out the entire service. I felt like an over stuffed pillow who's threads were screaming 'We can't do this anymore!! We're not strong enough! We're going to burst! Watch out!!!!'
It may have been the sweet memories shared. It could have been the pointed statements that addressed Bee's clinical depression and the fact that 'She lost the battle of her mind'. Or .... it could have been the fact that I related so well, too well, to her obvious feelings of hopelessness that lead to her death.
Though my faith leads me to believe, with confidence, that Bee is at peace in the arms of her Father (and this does give me hope), my heart grieves deeply for the moments Bee will not share with her family from now on.
I also too easily understand how Bee could feel so hopeless as too no longer want to live.
I've heard so many times, from so many people (who quite honestly seem as if, according to the appearance of their imperfect lives, that they should be able to relate to her) that didn't understand why Bee would feel so hopeless, why she would give up on life.
I sit there and hear these questions and wonder what's wrong with me? Because I can COMPLETELY identify with wanting to leave this world and just end the pain that seems so incredibly overwhelming during different points in life.
I remember (as I've shared before) when I was 8 years old and wanting to end my life due to the bullying I had to endure every day at school. As I think back now I can't believe an 8 year old could possibly have those feelings, but I know beyond a doubt that I did. I will never forget the moment I pulled the cord around my neck, tighter and tighter until I knew that I wouldn't be successful. I gave up and cried wishing I never had to face the pain of others' mean words again.
I remember laater when I was a teenager, feeling lost and depressed when my best friend had found a boyfriend and I was left alone. When I wondered if faith was really real and I had yet to learn the Truth. I wanted out of life then. Luckily not bad enough to do anything, but I did fantasize about it.
Then another decade later when I experienced my first unbelievable loss, that of my aunt. I had faith at that time. I knew the hope we had in it, but the thought at the time, of living life with the reality of death getting it's grip , at any given time on someone I loved hurt too much. I didn't want to face life without her and with that truth. It hurt too much. I lay many a night awake in my bed praying that God would take me too so I wouldn't have to learn how to live without her. Even though I had a loving husband by my side doing his best to love me through.
A person can have the most loving spouse in the world and the strongest faith there is but when they are sad, when they are deflated, when they are broken hearted, their perspective is not accurate.
It was stressed upon a few times today that Bee had a chemical imbalance in her brain that caused her depression - that's what depression is scientifically, isn't it? No one wanted it to appear as though Bee's faith had dwindled at any point causing her to give up on it, thus giving up on life.
I knew Bee so I needed no convincing. Her faith was who she was, you could not divide the two. Some skeptics though would call her faith false or untrue, as it would appear too weak to believe in salvation from her emotional and mental anguish.
Many people can spout off Scripture after Scripture regarding all of the joy and freedom Jesus brings to those who are sad. I stand on these promises as true, but there are times when people are beyond sad, when their minds are ill and their emotions too much for them to receive the help that is available. Does it mean they are hopeless? No! Does it mean God can't miraculously heal them? No!
It means that we continue to live in a broken world waiting for the Healer to come and make it right. Some people ask 'Why does this happen?' The answer is what I've already mentioned. A broken world.
We had a chance to live in a perfect one but that didn't work out, now we must limp through what we've been given. However the good news is that we've been given a chance to walk and even run with joy through Hope. To not only survive in this broken world, but to also even thrive.
Often life is going so well that we question God when something goes wrong, because the hurt seems like the exception. Really, if we were honest, we are truly and overwhelmingly blessed to find and experience the gifts we have in this life (amongst the brokenness of this world) every passing day. Considering how far it is from what God intended it to be we should be much less shocked at the pain we experience and much more appreciative of the amazing miracles we are able to find in the every day.
How much beauty do you usually see in something that's shattered? However in this world and it's vast disarray we get to feel love from each other and we get to give and receive this love freely. We can hold a newborn baby all perfect and warm in it's state of amazingness. We are able to share life with a partner if that's what we choose. We get to laugh and experience joy at the littlest things. We get to enjoy what something tastes like, and be calmed by certain sounds.
There are so many ways each day, especially in our country, that we come face to face with what is good. So much that we find it appalling when we have to come face to face with something bad.
You're probably wondering how I went to identifying so easily with a mentally distraught person to preaching about appreciating that more often than not we live with the good things in life. I'm not sure how I got here either. oh well.
In short, I love Bee. In fact, I wish I could love her back here. I am also startled by the ending to Bee's story because it makes real the hopelessness one can feel. The hopelessness I have felt and could feel again.
I always want to focus on the wonderful in my life. I want to remind myself as often as I can that there's always a better way out.
Pastor D. said a few things that really struck me today. He reminded everyone to always say 'I love you' when departing from a loved one. He said, if he could, he would tell Bee 'I still need you. Our daughters still need you. We all still need you.' And he asked us all to watch out for our loved ones that may be experiencing depression and to not be afraid to get them help if it seemed needed.
Depression seems to be a taboo issue in our culture. We think it's essential to judge someone with it or decide that they are weak. If anything, I think those suffering with depression are just misunderstood and not given enough credit for the fact that they are getting through life. And if they haven't, it's not because they are weak. I think it's just because they didn't know what else to do.
Bee, I respected you before. I respect you now. You lived your life fully and with beauty. I admire that. Thank you for sharing your heart, but most of all your laughter. It brought a smile to many faces. What better gift can you give?
Give Papa a hug for me. I look forward to catching up someday. Enjoy your new home :)
I spent 2 1/2 hours sitting in my chair with 1000 other people paying tribute to a beautiful woman's life that was very well lived.
I am exhausted and emotionally drained. Yet, after the long conversation Wally and I shared before bed, I am left awake with only my thoughts.
The service itself was nice. There was laughter, tears and stories celebrated all around Bee's life. There were numerous pictures to remind us of whom we lost. The spirit of Bee was nearly palpable, something I've only ever experienced at one other funeral years ago (and I've been to many, many funerals). Bee, in so many ways, was with us.
Though Wally and I happened to find ourselves surrounded by chatterboxes both before and during the service, and despite someone's outburst at a pinnacle point in Pastor D.'s personal message, AND even though a person had to be carried out by ambulance attendants on a stretcher, it was still a wonderful send off.
However, for some reason I found myself barely kept together through out the entire service. I felt like an over stuffed pillow who's threads were screaming 'We can't do this anymore!! We're not strong enough! We're going to burst! Watch out!!!!'
It may have been the sweet memories shared. It could have been the pointed statements that addressed Bee's clinical depression and the fact that 'She lost the battle of her mind'. Or .... it could have been the fact that I related so well, too well, to her obvious feelings of hopelessness that lead to her death.
Though my faith leads me to believe, with confidence, that Bee is at peace in the arms of her Father (and this does give me hope), my heart grieves deeply for the moments Bee will not share with her family from now on.
I also too easily understand how Bee could feel so hopeless as too no longer want to live.
I've heard so many times, from so many people (who quite honestly seem as if, according to the appearance of their imperfect lives, that they should be able to relate to her) that didn't understand why Bee would feel so hopeless, why she would give up on life.
I sit there and hear these questions and wonder what's wrong with me? Because I can COMPLETELY identify with wanting to leave this world and just end the pain that seems so incredibly overwhelming during different points in life.
I remember (as I've shared before) when I was 8 years old and wanting to end my life due to the bullying I had to endure every day at school. As I think back now I can't believe an 8 year old could possibly have those feelings, but I know beyond a doubt that I did. I will never forget the moment I pulled the cord around my neck, tighter and tighter until I knew that I wouldn't be successful. I gave up and cried wishing I never had to face the pain of others' mean words again.
I remember laater when I was a teenager, feeling lost and depressed when my best friend had found a boyfriend and I was left alone. When I wondered if faith was really real and I had yet to learn the Truth. I wanted out of life then. Luckily not bad enough to do anything, but I did fantasize about it.
Then another decade later when I experienced my first unbelievable loss, that of my aunt. I had faith at that time. I knew the hope we had in it, but the thought at the time, of living life with the reality of death getting it's grip , at any given time on someone I loved hurt too much. I didn't want to face life without her and with that truth. It hurt too much. I lay many a night awake in my bed praying that God would take me too so I wouldn't have to learn how to live without her. Even though I had a loving husband by my side doing his best to love me through.
A person can have the most loving spouse in the world and the strongest faith there is but when they are sad, when they are deflated, when they are broken hearted, their perspective is not accurate.
It was stressed upon a few times today that Bee had a chemical imbalance in her brain that caused her depression - that's what depression is scientifically, isn't it? No one wanted it to appear as though Bee's faith had dwindled at any point causing her to give up on it, thus giving up on life.
I knew Bee so I needed no convincing. Her faith was who she was, you could not divide the two. Some skeptics though would call her faith false or untrue, as it would appear too weak to believe in salvation from her emotional and mental anguish.
Many people can spout off Scripture after Scripture regarding all of the joy and freedom Jesus brings to those who are sad. I stand on these promises as true, but there are times when people are beyond sad, when their minds are ill and their emotions too much for them to receive the help that is available. Does it mean they are hopeless? No! Does it mean God can't miraculously heal them? No!
It means that we continue to live in a broken world waiting for the Healer to come and make it right. Some people ask 'Why does this happen?' The answer is what I've already mentioned. A broken world.
We had a chance to live in a perfect one but that didn't work out, now we must limp through what we've been given. However the good news is that we've been given a chance to walk and even run with joy through Hope. To not only survive in this broken world, but to also even thrive.
Often life is going so well that we question God when something goes wrong, because the hurt seems like the exception. Really, if we were honest, we are truly and overwhelmingly blessed to find and experience the gifts we have in this life (amongst the brokenness of this world) every passing day. Considering how far it is from what God intended it to be we should be much less shocked at the pain we experience and much more appreciative of the amazing miracles we are able to find in the every day.
How much beauty do you usually see in something that's shattered? However in this world and it's vast disarray we get to feel love from each other and we get to give and receive this love freely. We can hold a newborn baby all perfect and warm in it's state of amazingness. We are able to share life with a partner if that's what we choose. We get to laugh and experience joy at the littlest things. We get to enjoy what something tastes like, and be calmed by certain sounds.
There are so many ways each day, especially in our country, that we come face to face with what is good. So much that we find it appalling when we have to come face to face with something bad.
You're probably wondering how I went to identifying so easily with a mentally distraught person to preaching about appreciating that more often than not we live with the good things in life. I'm not sure how I got here either. oh well.
In short, I love Bee. In fact, I wish I could love her back here. I am also startled by the ending to Bee's story because it makes real the hopelessness one can feel. The hopelessness I have felt and could feel again.
I always want to focus on the wonderful in my life. I want to remind myself as often as I can that there's always a better way out.
Pastor D. said a few things that really struck me today. He reminded everyone to always say 'I love you' when departing from a loved one. He said, if he could, he would tell Bee 'I still need you. Our daughters still need you. We all still need you.' And he asked us all to watch out for our loved ones that may be experiencing depression and to not be afraid to get them help if it seemed needed.
Depression seems to be a taboo issue in our culture. We think it's essential to judge someone with it or decide that they are weak. If anything, I think those suffering with depression are just misunderstood and not given enough credit for the fact that they are getting through life. And if they haven't, it's not because they are weak. I think it's just because they didn't know what else to do.
Bee, I respected you before. I respect you now. You lived your life fully and with beauty. I admire that. Thank you for sharing your heart, but most of all your laughter. It brought a smile to many faces. What better gift can you give?
Give Papa a hug for me. I look forward to catching up someday. Enjoy your new home :)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Lessons learned
It's 10:15pm on a Friday night and I've already had a 2 hr nap. That's kind of sad but ... I'm at peace with it.
I feel like I've learned quite a few lessons in the past few days so I thought I'd share them in point form tonight. Maybe there's a tidbit of something that can be beneficial to someone reading, who knows?
* I am super duper cranky when I wake up from naps much of the time. (Who am I kidding? I've known that for a long time).
* Accomplishing goals (or striking items off your 'To do list') often happens in little steps.
Most of the time we just need to do step one and the rest will follow. I learned this through priming some much avoided trim, now I only have one coat left to go and I just started last weekend - not bad for me.
* When you find ways to make your avoided task fun, you don't notice that it is an 'avoided task'.
I decided that the only way I'd actually complete painting the trim in a timely manner was to invite someone to keep me company while I worked. I posted my need for a friend on facebook - of course, and sure enough someone offered to come and I actually enjoyed myself!.
* Only have one pair of slippers on the go at a time.
You are more likely to keep track of that one pair rather than having 4 pairs on the go and never knowing where any of them are.
* Cooking meals at the beginning of the week makes a week of on the go eating so much yummier, healthier and easier.
I realize this may not be all that helpful for moms with kids but it's great for Wally and I.
* If you don't like a piece of furniture and are thinking of giving it away, don't be afraid to paint it, cover it or redefine it's use.
I repainted a little table that didn't fit with the decor of our living room anymore and before deciding to get rid of it I figured I'd trying painting it first. Now I love it!.
* Do small tasks now.
Like just washing the dishes, sending a meaningful e-mail, or throwing a load of laundry in. Instead of waiting to do 500 things 'tomorrow' do one of them now that you know will give you some ease (I love waking up to an empty sink - we don't have a dishwasher). I've been doing this for the past week or so and I have felt much less stressed about the nest day's 'To do' list.
* When you are open and ready, the right opportunity will come along.
Wally and a friend of mine have been prompting me to take a writing course of some kind. I contacted a relative of mine who writes for a living on any thoughts on a good writing course. She sent me back some info but I was still unsure of what kind of course I wanted so I did nothing and thought on it some more. The other day she e-mailed me again with a one day writing seminar teaching people how to write the story of their lives and those of others which is EXACTLY what I am wanting to do! I signed up for the course and am anticipating learning lots! (I seriously plan on writing a book someday - I already have an idea of what I want to do).
* Grief heals slowly, teaches deeply and deserves to be acknowledged.
The loss of Bee and the circumstances around her disappearance and what may or may not have happened to her are all things I am allowed to grieve and learn from. (Her funeral is on Sunday by the way, feel free to pray for her family especially).
* The right people come into your life at the right time, once again, when you are ready to accept who they are and why they may be there.
I am so thankful for several friendships I have enjoyed and deepened over the past couple of years as we've changed our lives. It's only happened AFTER I had grown and opened myself up in different ways. I am so thankful for the people I have met.
* If you are unsure about something and have questions, earnestly ask for the answers, they will come.
I was wondering what to do about having children so I let go and waited. Now I feel peace about our decision (though I haven't shared with you all yet what that is). I was unsure of what made me happy, I was given a great hint yesterday. (I plan to go back and write through my answers to the list of questions I was pondering a few blog posts ago).
* Often when you are struggling NOT to do something, the struggle is really in the indecisiveness to do it.
You have not actually committed yourself to do it, you are still unsure and you won't do anything different until you are sure.
* To achieve what you want to achieve in life, whether it's an attitude, a physical goal, or any other accomplishment, you MUST surround yourself with people that will encourage you.
Not that it's impossible otherwise, but it's MUCH easier with that support system (and networking).
* Don't ever feel guilty for experiencing joy.
Soon enough life will happen to challenge your feelings. Share the joy you have while you have it.
* Do stuff you love.
Why not if it makes you happy?
* Facebook is much more enjoyable when it's used on a limited basis (even though it's friggin' hard to detox from it!)
Well I think I could go on but I really should stop.
Hope you learned something with me.
I feel like I've learned quite a few lessons in the past few days so I thought I'd share them in point form tonight. Maybe there's a tidbit of something that can be beneficial to someone reading, who knows?
* I am super duper cranky when I wake up from naps much of the time. (Who am I kidding? I've known that for a long time).
* Accomplishing goals (or striking items off your 'To do list') often happens in little steps.
Most of the time we just need to do step one and the rest will follow. I learned this through priming some much avoided trim, now I only have one coat left to go and I just started last weekend - not bad for me.
* When you find ways to make your avoided task fun, you don't notice that it is an 'avoided task'.
I decided that the only way I'd actually complete painting the trim in a timely manner was to invite someone to keep me company while I worked. I posted my need for a friend on facebook - of course, and sure enough someone offered to come and I actually enjoyed myself!.
* Only have one pair of slippers on the go at a time.
You are more likely to keep track of that one pair rather than having 4 pairs on the go and never knowing where any of them are.
* Cooking meals at the beginning of the week makes a week of on the go eating so much yummier, healthier and easier.
I realize this may not be all that helpful for moms with kids but it's great for Wally and I.
* If you don't like a piece of furniture and are thinking of giving it away, don't be afraid to paint it, cover it or redefine it's use.
I repainted a little table that didn't fit with the decor of our living room anymore and before deciding to get rid of it I figured I'd trying painting it first. Now I love it!.
* Do small tasks now.
Like just washing the dishes, sending a meaningful e-mail, or throwing a load of laundry in. Instead of waiting to do 500 things 'tomorrow' do one of them now that you know will give you some ease (I love waking up to an empty sink - we don't have a dishwasher). I've been doing this for the past week or so and I have felt much less stressed about the nest day's 'To do' list.
* When you are open and ready, the right opportunity will come along.
Wally and a friend of mine have been prompting me to take a writing course of some kind. I contacted a relative of mine who writes for a living on any thoughts on a good writing course. She sent me back some info but I was still unsure of what kind of course I wanted so I did nothing and thought on it some more. The other day she e-mailed me again with a one day writing seminar teaching people how to write the story of their lives and those of others which is EXACTLY what I am wanting to do! I signed up for the course and am anticipating learning lots! (I seriously plan on writing a book someday - I already have an idea of what I want to do).
* Grief heals slowly, teaches deeply and deserves to be acknowledged.
The loss of Bee and the circumstances around her disappearance and what may or may not have happened to her are all things I am allowed to grieve and learn from. (Her funeral is on Sunday by the way, feel free to pray for her family especially).
* The right people come into your life at the right time, once again, when you are ready to accept who they are and why they may be there.
I am so thankful for several friendships I have enjoyed and deepened over the past couple of years as we've changed our lives. It's only happened AFTER I had grown and opened myself up in different ways. I am so thankful for the people I have met.
* If you are unsure about something and have questions, earnestly ask for the answers, they will come.
I was wondering what to do about having children so I let go and waited. Now I feel peace about our decision (though I haven't shared with you all yet what that is). I was unsure of what made me happy, I was given a great hint yesterday. (I plan to go back and write through my answers to the list of questions I was pondering a few blog posts ago).
* Often when you are struggling NOT to do something, the struggle is really in the indecisiveness to do it.
You have not actually committed yourself to do it, you are still unsure and you won't do anything different until you are sure.
* To achieve what you want to achieve in life, whether it's an attitude, a physical goal, or any other accomplishment, you MUST surround yourself with people that will encourage you.
Not that it's impossible otherwise, but it's MUCH easier with that support system (and networking).
* Don't ever feel guilty for experiencing joy.
Soon enough life will happen to challenge your feelings. Share the joy you have while you have it.
* Do stuff you love.
Why not if it makes you happy?
* Facebook is much more enjoyable when it's used on a limited basis (even though it's friggin' hard to detox from it!)
Well I think I could go on but I really should stop.
Hope you learned something with me.
Pay Pal Problems
Just a note to say that the Pay Pal server is causing us a bit of grief. I hope to have it fixed soon as I just deposited our first round of 5 jars which in total will be over $600!!! Getting us nearly hitting 20% of my $10 000 goal!!1
I'm so excited but a little frustrated right now too. Hopefully we'll get it resolved soon!
Stay tuned :)
I'm so excited but a little frustrated right now too. Hopefully we'll get it resolved soon!
Stay tuned :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Scratch the match and watch out
This morning I wanted to blog so bad. I think I had a post in my head. I was even going to try but it was my early day and I knew that if I did I would end up late for work. Poo.
My spirits yesterday and today were, for some unknown reason to me, lifted. I have been feeling boosted, happier and more hopeful. Perhaps people have been praying, I'm not sure. If they (you) were, I appreciate it.
I don't remember at this point what exactly I was going to blog about but no doubt it will return if it's worth anything. Instead I think I shall bore you with my own self discoveries of the day.
Today I was shadowing someone at work, training them with someone I support. As usual our conversation went back and forth and then veered off course into our personal lives. I'm not really sure how it traveled to weight, fitness and lifestyle but it did. I spoke openly about my issues and she shared hers. I shared about my triumphs, disappointments and recent learnings on how to take care of my body. I shared how I still struggle but that I wanted to learn how to be a trainer and be a certified nutritionist to share the right information with others.
As the afternoon went on and we chatted she stopped at one point looking a little flushed and said 'I don't mean to sound weird or anything but I feel like I'm having one of those moments where I was meant to meet you today and it's for a reason.' She went on to explain her feelings a bit further and I have to say it was one of the coolest feelings I've ever had as I heard those words.
I knew after I spoke with her that I am still meant to reach my fitness goals and even more so, I am meant to be a trainer and coach people with nutrition. It excites me through and through. People talking about diets, genetics and metabolism being the reasons why they have yet to succeed at reaching their goals angers and ignites something within me that is oh so irritating!
Having said all this I will fully admit to struggling with emotional eating and my weight training at present. The weight training I am feeling the itch to do again, but was put on the back burner as I have begun training for my very first 5K run in the spring. This will be a dream come true for me. And what's even better? Wally may run it with me! (Along with my far away best friend too!).
Side Note: I also just had the idea last night that I could create the 5K run or walk and do it as a fund raiser for Compasio to help get to the $10 0000 goal. I think lots of people would join in. I am sooooooo excited about this, I hope it works out!!!!
Anyways, talking with this person in the midst of a morning when I thought once again about quitting my job (I'm clearly not cut out for this full time), I actually regretted not already having my training certification.
This girl is so ready to accept the truth. She wants to change her health above all and knows that's the most important thing. She's struggled all of her life as I have and connected me on this issue deeply. She's aware of her emotional eating and wants to do something lasting and true. I believe with the right support that she absolutely will.
I feel so shocked at myself and how excited I am about my little dream of becoming a trainer. It nearly makes me laugh out loud when I think of it. It's so not spiritual. It seems so shallow and self involved. Not that I am Ms. Humble Pie or anything but I have always considered myself as someone who cared for others and because of my own experiences have tried to look past outward appearances and stressed the importance of improving one's spiritual self and not look at their body.
I know, I know, I can take myself to the place of knowing how much it can change someone on so many levels for them to change their lives through working on taking care of their physical bodies but it just SEEMS so different for me.
And there's of course the fact that 'I'm not there yet'. I haven't reached my end goal, which is a super clean lifestyle (regarding food). I still battle emotional eating (especially lately). And I have not perfected each and every sport. (Ok so I'll be honest, I haven't perfected any sport).
These are all things that I feel intimidated to have won trophies in before being allowed to teach someone else in them.
I actually am reminded of a conversation I had earlier today about the fact that when we don't have very much trouble learning something we are not generally very good at teaching it to others that do have a difficult time learning it. That's why someone who understands the mis understanding in the learning should be doing the teaching.
My cousin taught me the old saying (I'd never heard before) 'Those who can't, teach.' I laughed at the time at how right the saying was because we were speaking about the fact that I was a piano teacher (I think a pretty decent one - I mean I had a few students that were far better players than I) that could not play. I could play, but not well. I knew all of the theory, I knew how it worked, but unless I practiced a ridiculous amount I wasn't very good. I also had incredible stage fright that would cause anyone to question my teaching qualifications.
I still believe I will achieve my fitness and lifestyle goals, I still have a long way to go, but I will. It's so deeply rooted in me I have no choice.
Today the spark was turned into a flame at the prospect of helping someone else conquer their biggest challenge. I kind of think doing so will help me continue to conquer mine.
Not only for this girl was this a timely introduction, but just as much for myself.
I so needed this today. I so needed this now.
Much of me is still in denial over the person I have become and continue to pursue to be. I need to keep digging and figuring out who I really am underneath that broken little girl. She's still there.
I can't wait to really know and acknowledge the person I know was meant to be in the first place.
In saying that I am thankful at how beautifully God worked around the hurt I experienced in this broken world. He truly is an amazing artist.
Amazing.
My spirits yesterday and today were, for some unknown reason to me, lifted. I have been feeling boosted, happier and more hopeful. Perhaps people have been praying, I'm not sure. If they (you) were, I appreciate it.
I don't remember at this point what exactly I was going to blog about but no doubt it will return if it's worth anything. Instead I think I shall bore you with my own self discoveries of the day.
Today I was shadowing someone at work, training them with someone I support. As usual our conversation went back and forth and then veered off course into our personal lives. I'm not really sure how it traveled to weight, fitness and lifestyle but it did. I spoke openly about my issues and she shared hers. I shared about my triumphs, disappointments and recent learnings on how to take care of my body. I shared how I still struggle but that I wanted to learn how to be a trainer and be a certified nutritionist to share the right information with others.
As the afternoon went on and we chatted she stopped at one point looking a little flushed and said 'I don't mean to sound weird or anything but I feel like I'm having one of those moments where I was meant to meet you today and it's for a reason.' She went on to explain her feelings a bit further and I have to say it was one of the coolest feelings I've ever had as I heard those words.
I knew after I spoke with her that I am still meant to reach my fitness goals and even more so, I am meant to be a trainer and coach people with nutrition. It excites me through and through. People talking about diets, genetics and metabolism being the reasons why they have yet to succeed at reaching their goals angers and ignites something within me that is oh so irritating!
Having said all this I will fully admit to struggling with emotional eating and my weight training at present. The weight training I am feeling the itch to do again, but was put on the back burner as I have begun training for my very first 5K run in the spring. This will be a dream come true for me. And what's even better? Wally may run it with me! (Along with my far away best friend too!).
Side Note: I also just had the idea last night that I could create the 5K run or walk and do it as a fund raiser for Compasio to help get to the $10 0000 goal. I think lots of people would join in. I am sooooooo excited about this, I hope it works out!!!!
Anyways, talking with this person in the midst of a morning when I thought once again about quitting my job (I'm clearly not cut out for this full time), I actually regretted not already having my training certification.
This girl is so ready to accept the truth. She wants to change her health above all and knows that's the most important thing. She's struggled all of her life as I have and connected me on this issue deeply. She's aware of her emotional eating and wants to do something lasting and true. I believe with the right support that she absolutely will.
I feel so shocked at myself and how excited I am about my little dream of becoming a trainer. It nearly makes me laugh out loud when I think of it. It's so not spiritual. It seems so shallow and self involved. Not that I am Ms. Humble Pie or anything but I have always considered myself as someone who cared for others and because of my own experiences have tried to look past outward appearances and stressed the importance of improving one's spiritual self and not look at their body.
I know, I know, I can take myself to the place of knowing how much it can change someone on so many levels for them to change their lives through working on taking care of their physical bodies but it just SEEMS so different for me.
And there's of course the fact that 'I'm not there yet'. I haven't reached my end goal, which is a super clean lifestyle (regarding food). I still battle emotional eating (especially lately). And I have not perfected each and every sport. (Ok so I'll be honest, I haven't perfected any sport).
These are all things that I feel intimidated to have won trophies in before being allowed to teach someone else in them.
I actually am reminded of a conversation I had earlier today about the fact that when we don't have very much trouble learning something we are not generally very good at teaching it to others that do have a difficult time learning it. That's why someone who understands the mis understanding in the learning should be doing the teaching.
My cousin taught me the old saying (I'd never heard before) 'Those who can't, teach.' I laughed at the time at how right the saying was because we were speaking about the fact that I was a piano teacher (I think a pretty decent one - I mean I had a few students that were far better players than I) that could not play. I could play, but not well. I knew all of the theory, I knew how it worked, but unless I practiced a ridiculous amount I wasn't very good. I also had incredible stage fright that would cause anyone to question my teaching qualifications.
I still believe I will achieve my fitness and lifestyle goals, I still have a long way to go, but I will. It's so deeply rooted in me I have no choice.
Today the spark was turned into a flame at the prospect of helping someone else conquer their biggest challenge. I kind of think doing so will help me continue to conquer mine.
Not only for this girl was this a timely introduction, but just as much for myself.
I so needed this today. I so needed this now.
Much of me is still in denial over the person I have become and continue to pursue to be. I need to keep digging and figuring out who I really am underneath that broken little girl. She's still there.
I can't wait to really know and acknowledge the person I know was meant to be in the first place.
In saying that I am thankful at how beautifully God worked around the hurt I experienced in this broken world. He truly is an amazing artist.
Amazing.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Why grief?
I returned to work Monday evening after 4 days off, two regularly scheduled and two I took off to ensure my mental health was stable.
I felt good Monday evening after I came home but was looking forward to spending Tuesday evening with Wally again. In fact I felt so good that I wondered if I should've even taken the time off (I need to deal with my guilt issues). It wasn't til part way through my hectic Tuesday morning that I remembered I had a meeting in the evening. I was so disappointed. Not so much because I don't like meetings, I actually don't mind them most of the time, but because I just couldn't wait to spend time at home.
Home has become a comfort to me more so than normal over the past couple of weeks. And because I've been feeling a wee bit frazzled else where I have especially enjoyed it.
However, once I decided to stop being disappointed over something I couldn't change I felt better, (and I learned that embracing the obstacle is much less tiring than dreading it).
On my way to the meeting I began to think again of Bee's disappearance and death, of the loss of her spirit from this world and the wonderful, bubbly lady she was. I once again felt the pang of grief that so sharply wedged itself in my heart a week prior.
After the meeting I stood and chatted with a co worker about work stuff for a few minutes and then she expressed her sympathies over my friend and she empathized as she had lost her brother tragically a few weeks prior (an even deeper loss than mine).
Her words immediately found that grief pain and brought it to the forefront but in a good and healthy way. I talked a bit with her regarding the situation and just how hard it was to try and deal with and go to work at the same time. There was much to process and emotions to feel. Considering how many emotions people feel in any given job work was not the place to be going through them, especially with the fact that I, like many others, deal with people and their emotions for a living.
On my drive home I was shocked when sobs began escaping from my chest, moans of heartbreak and disbelief joined them. Initially I tried to stifle them but after just a moment I remembered I didn't have to, I was alone.
I let the grief pain take over. I allowed myself to feel it. All of it. I wept much like I did when my aunt passed. Like I did a year ago when I felt the world fail a young man and I had to witness him have an emotional and mental breakdown.
Not often do I have a need to weep. I have a pretty good life. No, I have an amazing life, with amazing people in it. I have much more than I could even need or rightfully ask for.
It is a clear reminder to me that you can have everything material that you need but when you lose a piece of your heart, you lose something you cannot replace, buy back or recover.
I think this must be why grief hurts so much and why you can feel it even when it doesn't appear to be something that belongs to you.
I have mentioned a few times that I didn't think I had a right to grieve so deeply over Bee. She's not my family. She was a friend, and as of late not one I kept close contact with, but one who was a part of my life for a long time.
I guess sometimes I wonder why things hurt so much even when we appear far from where the loss has occurred. I think I am realizing that our pain is often attached not only to the person but to the reality of their humanity and ours.
I ache because Bee was a living active part of my life for a long time. She was full of life, laughter, love and cared so much for people. I experienced all of these things from her. Now she is gone, no longer to be experienced in the same way on earth. There is one less person in my life to ask how I'm doing, to look at me intently when I tell a story or to sing a song I get to enjoy (yes it seems selfish but really grief is being sad over what we no longer have).
I remember when my aunt died, one thing I told Wally was that it was so difficult because I not only lost an aunt but I lost one of my cheerleaders. It's hard to lose those people.
Again though we grieve too over our own mortality. Over the fragility of life and of the relationships we share with others.
The other night Wally took my face in both of his hands and looked me straight in the eyes and said 'Don't ever walk away from me. Don't ever feel that alone.'
That truth is difficult to handle. Life must be nurtured and cared for. All of the time, not just when it's convenient. It is so easy to lose sight of this when getting wrapped up in the day to day, buying the groceries, walking the dogs, getting the car fixed.
When love is young you can't wait to express your love to the person you want to spend time with. You tell then every chance you get because you haven't had much time with them and you want them to know, with the time you do have, how much you care for them. As time goes on you take for granted that person being there, the fact that they arrived home from work just fine, or they will be there to have dinner with when you get home.
Grief is good for something.
It's good for reminding us how fleeting life is. How little time we actually do have with people on earth (in some cases this is good :)
I have learned and am learning to welcome grief in a sense. Not to welcome the loss but to welcome the reminder of what I already have so that I can not only be thankful for it but more importantly so I can nurture it, show my gratitude for it and hopefully be healed by this reality.
Grief has actually been a huge driving force in so much of my life thus far, I shall let it continue to do so.
Allowing grief to teach you doesn't make it easy to go through, but it can deliver hope for tomorrow.
Because you realize today is a gift only given today.
I felt good Monday evening after I came home but was looking forward to spending Tuesday evening with Wally again. In fact I felt so good that I wondered if I should've even taken the time off (I need to deal with my guilt issues). It wasn't til part way through my hectic Tuesday morning that I remembered I had a meeting in the evening. I was so disappointed. Not so much because I don't like meetings, I actually don't mind them most of the time, but because I just couldn't wait to spend time at home.
Home has become a comfort to me more so than normal over the past couple of weeks. And because I've been feeling a wee bit frazzled else where I have especially enjoyed it.
However, once I decided to stop being disappointed over something I couldn't change I felt better, (and I learned that embracing the obstacle is much less tiring than dreading it).
On my way to the meeting I began to think again of Bee's disappearance and death, of the loss of her spirit from this world and the wonderful, bubbly lady she was. I once again felt the pang of grief that so sharply wedged itself in my heart a week prior.
After the meeting I stood and chatted with a co worker about work stuff for a few minutes and then she expressed her sympathies over my friend and she empathized as she had lost her brother tragically a few weeks prior (an even deeper loss than mine).
Her words immediately found that grief pain and brought it to the forefront but in a good and healthy way. I talked a bit with her regarding the situation and just how hard it was to try and deal with and go to work at the same time. There was much to process and emotions to feel. Considering how many emotions people feel in any given job work was not the place to be going through them, especially with the fact that I, like many others, deal with people and their emotions for a living.
On my drive home I was shocked when sobs began escaping from my chest, moans of heartbreak and disbelief joined them. Initially I tried to stifle them but after just a moment I remembered I didn't have to, I was alone.
I let the grief pain take over. I allowed myself to feel it. All of it. I wept much like I did when my aunt passed. Like I did a year ago when I felt the world fail a young man and I had to witness him have an emotional and mental breakdown.
Not often do I have a need to weep. I have a pretty good life. No, I have an amazing life, with amazing people in it. I have much more than I could even need or rightfully ask for.
It is a clear reminder to me that you can have everything material that you need but when you lose a piece of your heart, you lose something you cannot replace, buy back or recover.
I think this must be why grief hurts so much and why you can feel it even when it doesn't appear to be something that belongs to you.
I have mentioned a few times that I didn't think I had a right to grieve so deeply over Bee. She's not my family. She was a friend, and as of late not one I kept close contact with, but one who was a part of my life for a long time.
I guess sometimes I wonder why things hurt so much even when we appear far from where the loss has occurred. I think I am realizing that our pain is often attached not only to the person but to the reality of their humanity and ours.
I ache because Bee was a living active part of my life for a long time. She was full of life, laughter, love and cared so much for people. I experienced all of these things from her. Now she is gone, no longer to be experienced in the same way on earth. There is one less person in my life to ask how I'm doing, to look at me intently when I tell a story or to sing a song I get to enjoy (yes it seems selfish but really grief is being sad over what we no longer have).
I remember when my aunt died, one thing I told Wally was that it was so difficult because I not only lost an aunt but I lost one of my cheerleaders. It's hard to lose those people.
Again though we grieve too over our own mortality. Over the fragility of life and of the relationships we share with others.
The other night Wally took my face in both of his hands and looked me straight in the eyes and said 'Don't ever walk away from me. Don't ever feel that alone.'
That truth is difficult to handle. Life must be nurtured and cared for. All of the time, not just when it's convenient. It is so easy to lose sight of this when getting wrapped up in the day to day, buying the groceries, walking the dogs, getting the car fixed.
When love is young you can't wait to express your love to the person you want to spend time with. You tell then every chance you get because you haven't had much time with them and you want them to know, with the time you do have, how much you care for them. As time goes on you take for granted that person being there, the fact that they arrived home from work just fine, or they will be there to have dinner with when you get home.
Grief is good for something.
It's good for reminding us how fleeting life is. How little time we actually do have with people on earth (in some cases this is good :)
I have learned and am learning to welcome grief in a sense. Not to welcome the loss but to welcome the reminder of what I already have so that I can not only be thankful for it but more importantly so I can nurture it, show my gratitude for it and hopefully be healed by this reality.
Grief has actually been a huge driving force in so much of my life thus far, I shall let it continue to do so.
Allowing grief to teach you doesn't make it easy to go through, but it can deliver hope for tomorrow.
Because you realize today is a gift only given today.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Miscellaneous
Well my few days off are coming to an end. I can't believe how taking two days off can give you so much time to think and examine things. (And how when you leave yourself in your house all day for four days , aside from grabbing a few groceries, you really find a multitude of things to do that you've been putting off).
Though I struggled with guilt over taking the time I am not so glad I did, for both myself and Wally but also for those I support. Even though I can't say I'll be stellar at my job or a shining example of the perfect support worker I do know that I should be able to keep my emotional composure under control and I hopefully won't be on the verge of tears at every turn.
While at home I've done many things I have been putting off. I primed the trim in our one spare room. I was supposed to also have painted 3 coats as well but I didn't wuite get that far. On Friday a lifelong friend came over to help me paint the kitchen.
She actually helped me completely redo the kitchen in our old house and because of the combined 29 hours of work over 2 days we were silly with fatigue and had a great bonding experience. I figured it would be a great way to create some memories here (maybe it'll be a tradition every time we move - she made me promise to stay in this house longer than we did the last after we had done all that work).
It was a simple job though and not too grouling (apparently that's not a word, forgive me). We had fun on the way home from lunch running into the bulk store for some much needed chocolate (you know to keep our engines going - Biggest Loser teammates don't be mad!). We had fun picking out our favourite treats and contemplating over them like it was our last chance in all of life to do so.
The funny thing is she's a stick and .... I'm not, yet she has never in my life ever made me feel less than her or different than her. We've known eachother for nearly 30 years and have been able to maintain that friendship despite our vast differences and many changes through life.
The fact that she had a son at age 16 and still went to college while raising him, with the help of her very disappointed and embarrassed parents. She was able to meet an amazing man who is an amazing father to her son and has maintained working in the field of her choosing very successfully as well. I admire her really.
It was a gift to spend time with her Friday, made more special by her honesty during lunch about her fears that our friendship would fade as Wally and I's lives had changed once we moved into the city. She also expressed wanting to spend more time together. That meant a lot to me. Both because she's not generally that forthright when it comes to feelings and that she really wanted to see me more.
True friends are gifts for sure.
Today after I gave up on the notions that I would actually paint after priming I moved onto the idea of cooking. I don't cook very much and when I do it's generally the staples. they are my new clean eating staples like a yummy stir fry or clean meatballs but really not many other dishes on a regular basis.
I decided it was time to experiment a bit with ingredients I'd bought months ago as well as on our last grocery run and see how it would go.
Unfortunately when I cook I like to do it during a one day period. SO instead of cooking Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'll cook all day Sunday. This isn't really the best for fresh food but it's what I do.
I made a Black Bean Soup (that I have yet to try), a Shrimp and Veggie Schezchan (I don't have the patience to look that one up) stir fry or pasta covering (it was great!), and a tofu /tomato/spinach pesto fiesta to go on pasta (also yet to try). I also cooked up chicken for Wally's lunches.
I learned that shrimp is worth the work of peeling and I wonder why I hadn't bit the bullet earlier to cook with it. That Everything tastes better with fresh foods and I can't wait to have my own vegetable garden this year.
Now I'm pooped.
I haven't mentioned this before because I didn't want to admit to being in the high statistic of people that don't keep their new year's resolutions but my facebook one 'only go on facebook once a day' didn't go as planned. Wally had commented on January the second that he felt that once a day was a little strict and that he would hate to see my social life hindered due to this rule.
Of course this seemed like a great reason to give up all together. And I did.
However, checking the most addictive social network on the planet 50 times a day wasn't really what I wanted for myself either.
Today I decided I would give another try at taming in my addiction. My initial goal was to only check it 3 times in the day but I would be happy if it were between 4-6. As it stands at 6:50pm I've checked it three times so I think I'll likely end up at a total of 4 times today. My ultimate goal is only 2 or 3 times a day and in time maybe less, but as it stands so much of what goes on in social circles is attached to it I doubt right now I will pursue less than that. Maybe a time will come when I will and if I feel the need I will abide but I'd say 3 times a day is far better than 50. I'll share how it goes.
I've had a lot of time to think as well.
Today I was particularly down. Wondering if I could ever find a job that would make me happy, or is it just me? I am yet to find an answer to that question but I will say that I am not done exploring.
There are a few ideas I feel as though I need to ponder and look at before I decide that happiness is only about the job you do. I feel, as I did with all of my other jobs, it's all in your attitude and your approach. This doesn't mean that you will find great joy in every job you do but that you can do anything and with the right approach, maintain an element of happiness. I know I felt that way while housekeeping and teaching piano.
I am wondering if there are things I can do to the part of my life that isn't related to my job to enhance my life at work.
Things I'm considering:
* Is media giving me a headache of sorts? Is it causing me to always be 'on' and not purpose myself to relax? Would I benefit from taking a prescribed break from it once in a while?
* Am I missing pursuing a spiritual life? Whether it be purposefully studying spiritual things or gathering with a group of like minded people (well a group of people that all want to grow at least). Do I need to seek out a church again?
* Am I spending enough meaningful time with friends? Could I be doing more to enrich old and current friendships, as well as establishing new ones?
* Do I new to try new physical activities that I've never tried before? Am I bored with what I am doing?
* Am I being responsible with all I've been given? Money, possessions, time, thoughts, people? Are there ways I could share more, be more responsible or creative?
* Do I have enough fun? Do I laugh often? What makes me laugh? Are there ways I can make this happen more? What do I find fun?
* Am I spending enough time with family? Am I staying connected to them, giving them what they need from me, taking what they have to offer?
* What makes me happy? Am I doing things that make me happy? If so, am I sharing my happiness with others?
I'm sure there are more questions I could ask myself but these are the ones that come to mind. Please share any thoughts you may have. Though I can't say I have a plan on how to answer these questions it could be an adventure of sorts learning what the answers are.
I'm actually kind of getting excited.
This could be fun!
Though I struggled with guilt over taking the time I am not so glad I did, for both myself and Wally but also for those I support. Even though I can't say I'll be stellar at my job or a shining example of the perfect support worker I do know that I should be able to keep my emotional composure under control and I hopefully won't be on the verge of tears at every turn.
While at home I've done many things I have been putting off. I primed the trim in our one spare room. I was supposed to also have painted 3 coats as well but I didn't wuite get that far. On Friday a lifelong friend came over to help me paint the kitchen.
She actually helped me completely redo the kitchen in our old house and because of the combined 29 hours of work over 2 days we were silly with fatigue and had a great bonding experience. I figured it would be a great way to create some memories here (maybe it'll be a tradition every time we move - she made me promise to stay in this house longer than we did the last after we had done all that work).
It was a simple job though and not too grouling (apparently that's not a word, forgive me). We had fun on the way home from lunch running into the bulk store for some much needed chocolate (you know to keep our engines going - Biggest Loser teammates don't be mad!). We had fun picking out our favourite treats and contemplating over them like it was our last chance in all of life to do so.
The funny thing is she's a stick and .... I'm not, yet she has never in my life ever made me feel less than her or different than her. We've known eachother for nearly 30 years and have been able to maintain that friendship despite our vast differences and many changes through life.
The fact that she had a son at age 16 and still went to college while raising him, with the help of her very disappointed and embarrassed parents. She was able to meet an amazing man who is an amazing father to her son and has maintained working in the field of her choosing very successfully as well. I admire her really.
It was a gift to spend time with her Friday, made more special by her honesty during lunch about her fears that our friendship would fade as Wally and I's lives had changed once we moved into the city. She also expressed wanting to spend more time together. That meant a lot to me. Both because she's not generally that forthright when it comes to feelings and that she really wanted to see me more.
True friends are gifts for sure.
Today after I gave up on the notions that I would actually paint after priming I moved onto the idea of cooking. I don't cook very much and when I do it's generally the staples. they are my new clean eating staples like a yummy stir fry or clean meatballs but really not many other dishes on a regular basis.
I decided it was time to experiment a bit with ingredients I'd bought months ago as well as on our last grocery run and see how it would go.
Unfortunately when I cook I like to do it during a one day period. SO instead of cooking Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'll cook all day Sunday. This isn't really the best for fresh food but it's what I do.
I made a Black Bean Soup (that I have yet to try), a Shrimp and Veggie Schezchan (I don't have the patience to look that one up) stir fry or pasta covering (it was great!), and a tofu /tomato/spinach pesto fiesta to go on pasta (also yet to try). I also cooked up chicken for Wally's lunches.
I learned that shrimp is worth the work of peeling and I wonder why I hadn't bit the bullet earlier to cook with it. That Everything tastes better with fresh foods and I can't wait to have my own vegetable garden this year.
Now I'm pooped.
I haven't mentioned this before because I didn't want to admit to being in the high statistic of people that don't keep their new year's resolutions but my facebook one 'only go on facebook once a day' didn't go as planned. Wally had commented on January the second that he felt that once a day was a little strict and that he would hate to see my social life hindered due to this rule.
Of course this seemed like a great reason to give up all together. And I did.
However, checking the most addictive social network on the planet 50 times a day wasn't really what I wanted for myself either.
Today I decided I would give another try at taming in my addiction. My initial goal was to only check it 3 times in the day but I would be happy if it were between 4-6. As it stands at 6:50pm I've checked it three times so I think I'll likely end up at a total of 4 times today. My ultimate goal is only 2 or 3 times a day and in time maybe less, but as it stands so much of what goes on in social circles is attached to it I doubt right now I will pursue less than that. Maybe a time will come when I will and if I feel the need I will abide but I'd say 3 times a day is far better than 50. I'll share how it goes.
I've had a lot of time to think as well.
Today I was particularly down. Wondering if I could ever find a job that would make me happy, or is it just me? I am yet to find an answer to that question but I will say that I am not done exploring.
There are a few ideas I feel as though I need to ponder and look at before I decide that happiness is only about the job you do. I feel, as I did with all of my other jobs, it's all in your attitude and your approach. This doesn't mean that you will find great joy in every job you do but that you can do anything and with the right approach, maintain an element of happiness. I know I felt that way while housekeeping and teaching piano.
I am wondering if there are things I can do to the part of my life that isn't related to my job to enhance my life at work.
Things I'm considering:
* Is media giving me a headache of sorts? Is it causing me to always be 'on' and not purpose myself to relax? Would I benefit from taking a prescribed break from it once in a while?
* Am I missing pursuing a spiritual life? Whether it be purposefully studying spiritual things or gathering with a group of like minded people (well a group of people that all want to grow at least). Do I need to seek out a church again?
* Am I spending enough meaningful time with friends? Could I be doing more to enrich old and current friendships, as well as establishing new ones?
* Do I new to try new physical activities that I've never tried before? Am I bored with what I am doing?
* Am I being responsible with all I've been given? Money, possessions, time, thoughts, people? Are there ways I could share more, be more responsible or creative?
* Do I have enough fun? Do I laugh often? What makes me laugh? Are there ways I can make this happen more? What do I find fun?
* Am I spending enough time with family? Am I staying connected to them, giving them what they need from me, taking what they have to offer?
* What makes me happy? Am I doing things that make me happy? If so, am I sharing my happiness with others?
I'm sure there are more questions I could ask myself but these are the ones that come to mind. Please share any thoughts you may have. Though I can't say I have a plan on how to answer these questions it could be an adventure of sorts learning what the answers are.
I'm actually kind of getting excited.
This could be fun!
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