Well, I've sort of been avoiding this all day but I know it's something that is in my heart to share as it's been on my mind nearly every minute since I heard.
Wednesday morning I was at work doing a yearly training course. When it was over I checked my cell phone for any texts from Wally. Sure enough there was one waiting. But this time it was not the usual 'Miss you hope you're having a good day'. Nope. Instead it was one that made my stomach turn and my heart sink.
It said: 'I read in the paper today that Bee D. is missing'.
It took me a moment or two to put into context the name, but once I did I could barely believe it.
For 7 years I was a youth worker at a church. I did this over the span of eight years.
Pastor D. started working at the church 6 months after I did. We got to know each other quickly as he was quiet but forthright with what he believed. I was openly relieved that he was the 'real deal' in his faith walk and that I would get the privilege to work beside someone who would understand my heart and support my efforts. He was a good man.
Along with Pastor D. came Bee his wife and their two daughters, one who was 14 and the other was I believe just turning 6 years of age.
They were the perfect family. Bee was ever so obliging and never went without a smile and positive word (really, I NEVER saw her grumpy or negative ever).
I got to know them well as we shared a meal together early on and then went on to lead their girls in the mid week activities as well as on Sunday mornings for the 7 years I was at the church. I got to see them grow, mature and even see the oldest get married (well I wasn't at the wedding but you get the idea).
Pastor D. and his wife were always supportive and encouraging with my work at the church, as well as with Wally and his ministry, and even when he changed jobs. They were the first to praise and uplift us, see our hearts and cheer us on. I never felt intimidated or discouraged by them ever.
There was a point when the higher ups in the greater church government were changing rules that would in the end potentially cause me to lose my job. Pastor D. came to meet me all ready with a plan of attack so that I would be able to stay on as staff. He was going to defend me.
It was then I shared that it was time for me to leave me post as I felt lead to do other things with my life. Even then he and Bee graciously let me go.
Needless to say when I received a text saying Bee was gone without a trace I was upset, in shock and even nauseous. How could this happen? Where did she go? Did someone take her? Did she leave on her own? Why? How were the girls? How was Pastor D.?
I phoned Wally briefly but he had no more info than what was already shared. Though I wasn't involved in the situation I wondered how I was going to function through the rest of my 13 hr day (clearly I'm self centered - hopefully someday I'll grow out of this). I thought about just going home but realized that would do no good and truly I had no right. Worrying over a somewhat past friend was hardly grounds for 'time off'. Bee isn't directly a part of my life now nor is her family, other than the exchange of Christmas cards and letters paired with a hug at the church doors.
None the less my mind couldn't be tamed, nor my flip flopping stomach. I couldn't remember the last time I'd worried so much.
As the day progressed I shared my feelings with a couple of co workers to ease the boggling of my mind. I couldn't believe this was happening.
I went to bed Wednesday evening wondering if Bee would be found by morning. If she would come home or perhaps some trace of her would be discovered. I tossed and turned through the night with little sleep. If I, a distant friend, was this frazzled how were Pastor D. and his girls and family doing?
By tomorrow morning 4 days will have passed and the news stories about the disappearance are now running over and over with the same information. Bee called in sick to work without her family's knowledge and then was seen leaving around 8 am Tuesday morning. There has been no trace of her since. No credit or debit card activity, and no cell phone use. She's gone.
I won't express the speculations. Some, though always possible, are too offensive to me at this time and to be truthful are only guesses. Bee has struggled with depression this past year and has been treated medically for it. She was a nurse doing social work, who apparently was challenged by her ever stressful job. As many of us are.
My greatest hope is that she went somewhere to release, to de-stress, to renew, and she has every plan to return when she's ready.
My hope is that a job meant to give didn't take.
My hope is for a fairy tale ending.
It is with an unsettled and heavy heart I hope.
Please continue to pray for this situation and for the families left in the balance waiting.
I asked Wally what it must feel like to be in Pastor D.'s place right now, or even to be one of his daughters. His response: 'It must be maddening'. A perfect description I am sure.
Please hope with me. Hope doesn't expire, even when we do.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Please Pray
I have no time to blog right now and explain but I am asking you to pray for a friend Bee. She's gone missing and has been for 2 days.
There are speculations that I won't expand on right now but the bottom line is her family (and people like myself) are worried sick. Please pray she will return home safely soon, and for her husband and two daughters.
My heart is so saddened by this situation.
More to follow tomorrow...
There are speculations that I won't expand on right now but the bottom line is her family (and people like myself) are worried sick. Please pray she will return home safely soon, and for her husband and two daughters.
My heart is so saddened by this situation.
More to follow tomorrow...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
List Lover
I love lists. Like I would marry them if I could.
Lists make me feel organized, comforted, in control and prepared.
Although at the same time they have the power to make me feel disorganized, uncomfortable, out of control and unprepared. You know, if the list remains a list all it's life.
I've noticed lately that my obsession with lists has grown. I've noticed more and more of them popping up places. In my planner, on the fridge, on my night table, in the living room. In fact a week or two ago I proposed to Wally that we make a list of lists we have to write. He looked at me like I'd actually gone insane and realized, when I returned a very 'Of course I'm serious, do you think I would joke about this' look back at him.
I'm sure if a shrink were reading right now they would be able to easily tell me whatever my deep seeded emotional issue is that seems to increasing the list phenomenon in my world.
My best guess is feeling a wee bit overwhelmed. Perhaps in a good way at all of the possibilities there are out in the world for me to explore. Maybe also the fact that I have no idea where to start is also a little problem for me.
I was reading an article the other day that was about weight loss and how 98% of people that go at trying to lose weight on their own fail because they try and do 'all or nothing'. I've written about this before and admitted that I am most successful at anything when I just accept that perfection does not occur over night but rather within a process. I wonder where exactly my lists are in 'the process'.
One thing I'm struggling with today is the fact that I signed up for this little competition at work. I normally would never do this because I'm not the least bit competitive. Not to mention it's a weight loss competition, something I don't really and truly believe in.
However, I found out it is something that can be done in partners this time (sort of) and the idea of being accountable to someone who is depending on me to do my best really appealed to me. I feel as though lately I've fallen back into an unhealthy mindset which has lead to a struggle with mind on things relating to my body. It has been very frustrating.
I realized this evening, after spending the weekend pretending I'm the Caterpillar from the Hungry Caterpillar book eating my way through every unhealthy thing there is in sight, (because that's what I'm supposed to do before a diet - oh I HATE that word - it's like blasphemy!!) that I actually feel as though my morals around how I eat have changed, yet I don't exactly know how to deal with this.
I've never been blatantly morally corrupt. You know, I haven't murdered anyone but I definitely have enjoyed my share of a few good gossip sessions (wrongfully so). Now I'm starting to feel like the hypocrite healthy eater.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm a Baptist Clean Eater!!! (JUST kidding Baptist people. JUST kidding).
I guess what's frustrating is that I believe passionately what I should do but I decide when it's right for me to do it. If the rules seem applicable I abide, if they seem blurred I decide to do what best fits me. It's really very wrong.
I am comforted by the fact that I do believe in this passionately but frustrated by my lack of decision to follow what I know to be right all of the time. Hmmmmm ... this is helping me figure some things out.
I've come a long, long way in my little emotional eating, lazy ass journey. But I have a long, long way to go.
Now I know why I like lists. They simplify things. They order things to be done at a certain time. They make things happen.
'Continue to grow on the journey' sounds kinda vague for a list.
Poo.
My list love is diminishing because it doesn't seem to be a realistic way to look at life.
My new 'To Do' List:
#1 - Relax
#2 - Notice and enjoy the small things
#3 - Do what I know I should do NOW
#4 - Stop making so many damn lists, it's stressing me out!
Lists make me feel organized, comforted, in control and prepared.
Although at the same time they have the power to make me feel disorganized, uncomfortable, out of control and unprepared. You know, if the list remains a list all it's life.
I've noticed lately that my obsession with lists has grown. I've noticed more and more of them popping up places. In my planner, on the fridge, on my night table, in the living room. In fact a week or two ago I proposed to Wally that we make a list of lists we have to write. He looked at me like I'd actually gone insane and realized, when I returned a very 'Of course I'm serious, do you think I would joke about this' look back at him.
I'm sure if a shrink were reading right now they would be able to easily tell me whatever my deep seeded emotional issue is that seems to increasing the list phenomenon in my world.
My best guess is feeling a wee bit overwhelmed. Perhaps in a good way at all of the possibilities there are out in the world for me to explore. Maybe also the fact that I have no idea where to start is also a little problem for me.
I was reading an article the other day that was about weight loss and how 98% of people that go at trying to lose weight on their own fail because they try and do 'all or nothing'. I've written about this before and admitted that I am most successful at anything when I just accept that perfection does not occur over night but rather within a process. I wonder where exactly my lists are in 'the process'.
One thing I'm struggling with today is the fact that I signed up for this little competition at work. I normally would never do this because I'm not the least bit competitive. Not to mention it's a weight loss competition, something I don't really and truly believe in.
However, I found out it is something that can be done in partners this time (sort of) and the idea of being accountable to someone who is depending on me to do my best really appealed to me. I feel as though lately I've fallen back into an unhealthy mindset which has lead to a struggle with mind on things relating to my body. It has been very frustrating.
I realized this evening, after spending the weekend pretending I'm the Caterpillar from the Hungry Caterpillar book eating my way through every unhealthy thing there is in sight, (because that's what I'm supposed to do before a diet - oh I HATE that word - it's like blasphemy!!) that I actually feel as though my morals around how I eat have changed, yet I don't exactly know how to deal with this.
I've never been blatantly morally corrupt. You know, I haven't murdered anyone but I definitely have enjoyed my share of a few good gossip sessions (wrongfully so). Now I'm starting to feel like the hypocrite healthy eater.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm a Baptist Clean Eater!!! (JUST kidding Baptist people. JUST kidding).
I guess what's frustrating is that I believe passionately what I should do but I decide when it's right for me to do it. If the rules seem applicable I abide, if they seem blurred I decide to do what best fits me. It's really very wrong.
I am comforted by the fact that I do believe in this passionately but frustrated by my lack of decision to follow what I know to be right all of the time. Hmmmmm ... this is helping me figure some things out.
I've come a long, long way in my little emotional eating, lazy ass journey. But I have a long, long way to go.
Now I know why I like lists. They simplify things. They order things to be done at a certain time. They make things happen.
'Continue to grow on the journey' sounds kinda vague for a list.
Poo.
My list love is diminishing because it doesn't seem to be a realistic way to look at life.
My new 'To Do' List:
#1 - Relax
#2 - Notice and enjoy the small things
#3 - Do what I know I should do NOW
#4 - Stop making so many damn lists, it's stressing me out!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Cluttered closets and greasy hair
Warning: The following post is entirely a selfish effort to destress, unload and just feel better on my part. Very little of it will enlighten, build up or make your life brighter. (Not that it generally does but I thought I'd give you fair warning).
*Sigh*
Today is my Saturday. I am off to do errands, catch up and maybe, if I'm lucky, relax. Even as I write this I realize real women with children, who never get a break, will roll their eyes at the very notion of me needing a break, let alone getting one, but I will continue to write with ignorance.
I've been longing for a day to do nothing. Nothing but read, laze about, and organize my mind.
My mind needs organizing.
It gets like that storage closet (or room) that often has stuff just thrown into it, over and over, cluttered and possibly abandoned for days, weeks, and months at a time. It becomes a haven for junk, then appears useless and unnecessary. Well this definitely describes the mind I've been carrying around lately.
I feel like I just need time to think.
I love thinking.
Not in my father's way of 'thinking'. Which, incidentally, involves a porcelain thrown of sorts and perhaps a gas mask.
No I like time to just let my mind wonder, dream, sort, throw out, clean up and organize what's filling it up.
I was really hoping today might be the day.
I was wrong.
Instead I spent the beginning of my morning at Walmart spending without a budget, then to the Bulk Barn to add to my guilt, home to throw what needed to be refrigerated away then on to pick a fight.
It is a valid fight.
After my car got written off in the accident I learned that I'd get most of the warranty I purchased back. So I made a few phone calls and thought I had it dealt with. After waiting too long I looked into it again. Someone made a mistake and we had to start over. Correction: I had to start over. Several more phone calls and I awaited my check ... again.
I still hadnt' received anything so I made more phone calls. To the bank, the warranty company, the car dealership.
Today I got to do the run around again. Once again I almost cried on the phone. Once again I almost threatened to come in and show people who's boss. (I won't tell you what I wanted to say to them and really restrained myself from spouting out). In case you ever wondered, 'they' don't care who thinks they're the boss, especially when 'they' still have your $1500 in their bank account.
Any hoo I'm still waiting for someone to call me back AGAIN and have numerous times reminded myself how insignificant this money is in the general scheme of the world. It's not like I'm planning to buy some life changing medication for someone or anything. Nope. I just want a new couch and love seat. Pretty superficial stuff but blood boiling to me. Luckily perspective smacks me in the face at the right times or I'd be known as the 'crazy car lady who keeps leaving rude messages'. (Ok so I'm lying, they do consider me the 'crazy car lady who keeps leaving rude messages' but they could be ruder).
I did go and get me hair cut and coloured. That sort of makes me feel better. Well sort of. I have boy hair now and it looks a bit greasy because of goo, but on the up side there are no grays. I am still inwardly dealing with the fact that I have chosen to start drowning the little buggers at a less than admirable price tag (and I even go to a reasonable hair dresser). Oh well, I did get ID'd at the liquor store a week ago so I guess it's worth it. (You can see I am prioritizing humankind's needs perfectly right now eh? No one said I was Jesus).
I went to the grocery store on my way home from the hair dresser's, (that by the way is 40 mins on the highway away - yeah she's that good) to pick up fresh stuff so I wouldn't have to deal with the bustle of the city. I loved it. I even discovered that this grocery store sold personal sized shrimp portions for cheap. It excited me even though I didn't buy any.
Oh and by the way, Walmart, Bulk Barn and the grocery store held things for me that are all bad and I engaged. That's all about that.
After watching a couple of home reno shows I'm freezing and blogging in my favourite room, listening to the house make noises that sound like the ones on 'Law and Order'. You know between scenes: boom, boom, boom. Or maybe it's: ting, ting, ting. I don't know. I can't convey the right tone in text. But it freaks me out a bit.
I really need to skedaddle (cool! that's an actual word!!) though because we're off to a birthday party tonight with my greasy looking boy hair which I don't seem to mind.
I need to take another look at my resolutions. Less like they are resolutions and more like just changes I want to make, slowly over time. (Though I won't lie, immediate would be great too).
I need to carve out relax time. Think time. Cool down time. Or in this season in Canada warm up time.
I need to slow down a little each day. I know I have a friend who would tell me to stop each day and maybe pray and let God talk to me or just be with me. I don't always feel spiritual enough to be his friend, but I know he doesn't judge me. At least I don't think so.
I'm rethinking some long term atmospheric change for my life. Aren't I always?
Oh well. I guess I'm a rollin' stone.
That's ok though. I think.
P.S. Wally and I made a decision. About .... you know. AND we have peace ... I think. We're excited. Thanks for the thoughts :)
*Sigh*
Today is my Saturday. I am off to do errands, catch up and maybe, if I'm lucky, relax. Even as I write this I realize real women with children, who never get a break, will roll their eyes at the very notion of me needing a break, let alone getting one, but I will continue to write with ignorance.
I've been longing for a day to do nothing. Nothing but read, laze about, and organize my mind.
My mind needs organizing.
It gets like that storage closet (or room) that often has stuff just thrown into it, over and over, cluttered and possibly abandoned for days, weeks, and months at a time. It becomes a haven for junk, then appears useless and unnecessary. Well this definitely describes the mind I've been carrying around lately.
I feel like I just need time to think.
I love thinking.
Not in my father's way of 'thinking'. Which, incidentally, involves a porcelain thrown of sorts and perhaps a gas mask.
No I like time to just let my mind wonder, dream, sort, throw out, clean up and organize what's filling it up.
I was really hoping today might be the day.
I was wrong.
Instead I spent the beginning of my morning at Walmart spending without a budget, then to the Bulk Barn to add to my guilt, home to throw what needed to be refrigerated away then on to pick a fight.
It is a valid fight.
After my car got written off in the accident I learned that I'd get most of the warranty I purchased back. So I made a few phone calls and thought I had it dealt with. After waiting too long I looked into it again. Someone made a mistake and we had to start over. Correction: I had to start over. Several more phone calls and I awaited my check ... again.
I still hadnt' received anything so I made more phone calls. To the bank, the warranty company, the car dealership.
Today I got to do the run around again. Once again I almost cried on the phone. Once again I almost threatened to come in and show people who's boss. (I won't tell you what I wanted to say to them and really restrained myself from spouting out). In case you ever wondered, 'they' don't care who thinks they're the boss, especially when 'they' still have your $1500 in their bank account.
Any hoo I'm still waiting for someone to call me back AGAIN and have numerous times reminded myself how insignificant this money is in the general scheme of the world. It's not like I'm planning to buy some life changing medication for someone or anything. Nope. I just want a new couch and love seat. Pretty superficial stuff but blood boiling to me. Luckily perspective smacks me in the face at the right times or I'd be known as the 'crazy car lady who keeps leaving rude messages'. (Ok so I'm lying, they do consider me the 'crazy car lady who keeps leaving rude messages' but they could be ruder).
I did go and get me hair cut and coloured. That sort of makes me feel better. Well sort of. I have boy hair now and it looks a bit greasy because of goo, but on the up side there are no grays. I am still inwardly dealing with the fact that I have chosen to start drowning the little buggers at a less than admirable price tag (and I even go to a reasonable hair dresser). Oh well, I did get ID'd at the liquor store a week ago so I guess it's worth it. (You can see I am prioritizing humankind's needs perfectly right now eh? No one said I was Jesus).
I went to the grocery store on my way home from the hair dresser's, (that by the way is 40 mins on the highway away - yeah she's that good) to pick up fresh stuff so I wouldn't have to deal with the bustle of the city. I loved it. I even discovered that this grocery store sold personal sized shrimp portions for cheap. It excited me even though I didn't buy any.
Oh and by the way, Walmart, Bulk Barn and the grocery store held things for me that are all bad and I engaged. That's all about that.
After watching a couple of home reno shows I'm freezing and blogging in my favourite room, listening to the house make noises that sound like the ones on 'Law and Order'. You know between scenes: boom, boom, boom. Or maybe it's: ting, ting, ting. I don't know. I can't convey the right tone in text. But it freaks me out a bit.
I really need to skedaddle (cool! that's an actual word!!) though because we're off to a birthday party tonight with my greasy looking boy hair which I don't seem to mind.
I need to take another look at my resolutions. Less like they are resolutions and more like just changes I want to make, slowly over time. (Though I won't lie, immediate would be great too).
I need to carve out relax time. Think time. Cool down time. Or in this season in Canada warm up time.
I need to slow down a little each day. I know I have a friend who would tell me to stop each day and maybe pray and let God talk to me or just be with me. I don't always feel spiritual enough to be his friend, but I know he doesn't judge me. At least I don't think so.
I'm rethinking some long term atmospheric change for my life. Aren't I always?
Oh well. I guess I'm a rollin' stone.
That's ok though. I think.
P.S. Wally and I made a decision. About .... you know. AND we have peace ... I think. We're excited. Thanks for the thoughts :)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Right Now ....
* I want to lay in bed all day and read, read, read.
* I want to find a perfect cure for the 2 day post workout that leaves your muscles in excruciating pain
* I want to know all of the answers
* I want to know why my oldest dog is having a hard time keeping the contents of his bladder INSIDE his bladder
* I want to lie and say I'm wonderful at my job, it's a perfect fit and I should get an award for all of my hard work
* I want to help Wally find a good friend or two
* I want a magic fairy to cut and colour my hair perfectly so I never had to worry about it again
* I want not to be the type to worry about my hair
* I want to propose the idea of wearing ear plugs to work at certain times or at least free access to Advil :)
* I want someone to magically budget our money so I never have to give it a thought
* I want to realize what a blessing it is to have money to budget
* I want to stop wanting and just be content.
Maybe that's what I should write a book about: Contentment. Ummmmm, probly I wouldn't be the best one to write about that.
Instead, right now I am saying good day to you and heading off to work to hopefully be reminded how to be content.
Thailand can't come soon enough.
* I want to find a perfect cure for the 2 day post workout that leaves your muscles in excruciating pain
* I want to know all of the answers
* I want to know why my oldest dog is having a hard time keeping the contents of his bladder INSIDE his bladder
* I want to lie and say I'm wonderful at my job, it's a perfect fit and I should get an award for all of my hard work
* I want to help Wally find a good friend or two
* I want a magic fairy to cut and colour my hair perfectly so I never had to worry about it again
* I want not to be the type to worry about my hair
* I want to propose the idea of wearing ear plugs to work at certain times or at least free access to Advil :)
* I want someone to magically budget our money so I never have to give it a thought
* I want to realize what a blessing it is to have money to budget
* I want to stop wanting and just be content.
Maybe that's what I should write a book about: Contentment. Ummmmm, probly I wouldn't be the best one to write about that.
Instead, right now I am saying good day to you and heading off to work to hopefully be reminded how to be content.
Thailand can't come soon enough.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
This and That
I'm been waiting all morning to be able to sit down and blog before I rush off to work. Ahhhhh.....
So Yesterday was the day I decided to tackle working out at home for the first time. I wondered if I'd 'feel it', the workout I mean, or if being at home would host a lazy effort. Well, considering I'm feeling pain in every major muscle in my body I am happy to report the workout was a success! And though I am in some serious discomfort, I went to my old gym for one last cardio session before I get to use my treadmill at home. It felt great!
I am also easing back into my old eating (the good kind) and after two days already feel like ... I was going to say a million bucks but I'm gonna have to say maybe just a hundred thousand or maybe a half a million. Still waaaaay better than I was over the month of December.
I realized today that the changes I made were actually real and true. I actually love eating clean. I actually love sweating (well, only when it's on purpose) and I actually love pushing my muscles. And I love the effects even more.
I had been wondering if my goals of becoming a trainer (at least on paper) were silly, far fetched and delusional during my time away from working out. I thought maybe I was wanting to want to be a trainer. But after having a few different discussions pop up with various people I'd run into lately I am realizing I want to teach and motivate others that are in the place I was before I learned stuff (and still am at times).
I have such a hard time when people say stuff to me like 'Can you each such and such with your diet?' or 'I bet it's hard not being allowed to have this?' It frustrates me because though it is a 'way' of eating it has become (for the most part) my lifestyle and no longer (for the most part) a burden.
I was having this very talk lastnight with a co worker (whom, incidentally, I really like). We got onto the topic of weight training and I was hearing how she did things and this and that and I was practically writhing on the floor dying to share with her some simple things she could change to be more effective, however I knew I couldn't seeing as I'm still not in ideal shape AND who am I REALLY? No one. I have no papers saying I should know what I'm talking about. I have no proof that what I do works or that those that taught me were right or not. I mean everyone thinks they have the answers right?
This chat is among the many I've had with people regarding diet and exercise and how mixed up we all can get when we listen to EVERYTHING everyone is saying rather than doing research on our own and talking to real professionals.
I've also learned that people (myself included) need to be ready and willing to hear what you have to say before they are actually going to HEAR what you have to say.
I know a piece of paper won't give me the perfect body, but it will educate me more in what I'm talking about and maybe even show me how to better explain things to others. I have come to learn that this whole journey is looooooong and ongoing and as I am ready I will be able to achieve more and more.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do plan on pursuing my Personal Trainer Certification. It's actually not a big deal at all and anyone can do it (I'm saying that factually not inspirationally). Even if I never use it as a profession I will use it as often as I can to help people in their own health pursuits.
That's that.
In other news ....
I have begun to look into Wally and I taking the mandatory course for adoption in our province (whether you adopt within your country or internationally). I learned that the course is $1400 for the two of us to take it. And there is one happening in our city at the end of the month.
It's at this point things seem very real. It's at this point we must ask ourselves what to do. It's at this point we wish that God would just float down out of the sky and say, in a calm and soothing tone: 'Wally, Eva, it's time. You are ready to become parents.' The clouds part, the heavens open, and the sun is blazing in our eyes. A small child appears sitting on a satin pillow and says, as soon as they see us 'Mama. Dada.' We take the child, are blessed by God's anointed wand and off we slowly walk into the strangely timed sun set.
It's funny though. We are still waiting for God to appear from the sky with the specific instructions on things, let alone a child in tow.
Now it seems to be time for us to make some decisions. Do we do it now, do we wait a bit longer, do we 'try' for a natural one first, do we not care and do everything? What do we do?!
I'm hoping at some point in the next few days we figure out what to do and feel peace about it. If you are a prayin' type throw one up for us please. We need the help.
In the mean time I shall keep living, keep striving and keep believing perfect timing will occur, along with perfect wisdom.
So Yesterday was the day I decided to tackle working out at home for the first time. I wondered if I'd 'feel it', the workout I mean, or if being at home would host a lazy effort. Well, considering I'm feeling pain in every major muscle in my body I am happy to report the workout was a success! And though I am in some serious discomfort, I went to my old gym for one last cardio session before I get to use my treadmill at home. It felt great!
I am also easing back into my old eating (the good kind) and after two days already feel like ... I was going to say a million bucks but I'm gonna have to say maybe just a hundred thousand or maybe a half a million. Still waaaaay better than I was over the month of December.
I realized today that the changes I made were actually real and true. I actually love eating clean. I actually love sweating (well, only when it's on purpose) and I actually love pushing my muscles. And I love the effects even more.
I had been wondering if my goals of becoming a trainer (at least on paper) were silly, far fetched and delusional during my time away from working out. I thought maybe I was wanting to want to be a trainer. But after having a few different discussions pop up with various people I'd run into lately I am realizing I want to teach and motivate others that are in the place I was before I learned stuff (and still am at times).
I have such a hard time when people say stuff to me like 'Can you each such and such with your diet?' or 'I bet it's hard not being allowed to have this?' It frustrates me because though it is a 'way' of eating it has become (for the most part) my lifestyle and no longer (for the most part) a burden.
I was having this very talk lastnight with a co worker (whom, incidentally, I really like). We got onto the topic of weight training and I was hearing how she did things and this and that and I was practically writhing on the floor dying to share with her some simple things she could change to be more effective, however I knew I couldn't seeing as I'm still not in ideal shape AND who am I REALLY? No one. I have no papers saying I should know what I'm talking about. I have no proof that what I do works or that those that taught me were right or not. I mean everyone thinks they have the answers right?
This chat is among the many I've had with people regarding diet and exercise and how mixed up we all can get when we listen to EVERYTHING everyone is saying rather than doing research on our own and talking to real professionals.
I've also learned that people (myself included) need to be ready and willing to hear what you have to say before they are actually going to HEAR what you have to say.
I know a piece of paper won't give me the perfect body, but it will educate me more in what I'm talking about and maybe even show me how to better explain things to others. I have come to learn that this whole journey is looooooong and ongoing and as I am ready I will be able to achieve more and more.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do plan on pursuing my Personal Trainer Certification. It's actually not a big deal at all and anyone can do it (I'm saying that factually not inspirationally). Even if I never use it as a profession I will use it as often as I can to help people in their own health pursuits.
That's that.
In other news ....
I have begun to look into Wally and I taking the mandatory course for adoption in our province (whether you adopt within your country or internationally). I learned that the course is $1400 for the two of us to take it. And there is one happening in our city at the end of the month.
It's at this point things seem very real. It's at this point we must ask ourselves what to do. It's at this point we wish that God would just float down out of the sky and say, in a calm and soothing tone: 'Wally, Eva, it's time. You are ready to become parents.' The clouds part, the heavens open, and the sun is blazing in our eyes. A small child appears sitting on a satin pillow and says, as soon as they see us 'Mama. Dada.' We take the child, are blessed by God's anointed wand and off we slowly walk into the strangely timed sun set.
It's funny though. We are still waiting for God to appear from the sky with the specific instructions on things, let alone a child in tow.
Now it seems to be time for us to make some decisions. Do we do it now, do we wait a bit longer, do we 'try' for a natural one first, do we not care and do everything? What do we do?!
I'm hoping at some point in the next few days we figure out what to do and feel peace about it. If you are a prayin' type throw one up for us please. We need the help.
In the mean time I shall keep living, keep striving and keep believing perfect timing will occur, along with perfect wisdom.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Journey continues ....
I can't take it any more, I just can't take it. There's something about rules, boundaries and guidelines I need in my pursuit of good health. I cannot seem to make healthy choices completely on my own yet. I need the declaration of a public commitment before I can seem to abide truly by the standards I want to live by in the realms of my desired lifestyle.
It's like I cannot live by the standards I want to unless I've tied myself to them in some way. Unless I have everyone watching. I'm kinda glad I don't need that for my marriage or I might be in trouble. I wonder if that's why some people don't do so well in marriage relationships - they can't abide by their promises in secret the way they can in public.
Well I'm publicly declaring that unless I publicly declare my vows to a healthy life I'm forever unfaithful.
I've mentioned before I think that since wally and I moved we haven't gone to the gym as we've been painting, packing, moving, Christmasing and now gorging ourselves. We both actually miss it desperately but now are too far from our current gym (including my favourite Dee) to go back. There's another 'sister' gym that's a little closer we could go to but it's still further than we know is best for us (especially in the winter).
When we bought our house we noted the perfect workout room in the basement for us. So last week during Boxing Day sales we used our Master Card points and a little extra to buy a treadmill!! Then later in the week we found a sale on dumbbells that can be used as weights from 2.5 to 20 lbs. We already had a stability ball but then had to buy a bit of floor padding so we picked that up along with a medicine ball and voila, almost a complete home gym. I hope to purchase an adjustable bench in the next couple of weeks. After which time our bank account will need a vacation from the debit card.
I'm so excited to get back to working out and especially trying some things I've been too self conscious about at the gym. I also hope to begin training to do a 5 K run in the spring sometime. My very close friend from far away land (you know, who surprised me at the party) offered to run with me as she will be visiting around that time.
I finally had Wally weigh me yesterday (you know, being New Years and all). I didn't look at the weight nor did I ask what it was. I just wanted to know how much I'd gained. Well actually I wanted to know approximations. I got exactitations.
I was both excited and disappointed to learn that in the 5 weeks without going to the gym and during the month of eating much of the food I'd stayed away from in the past 6 months I had gained a total of 6 pounds (ok I'm lying I gained 6.8 lbs but for some reason I feel better when I leave out the .8).
Of course my mind has played a few games on me reminding me of losing muscle and probably gaining more fat than our scale will reveal and then I think 'Oh my goodness I'm fat! I'm fat! Call the intervention show I'm doomed and have totally gone astray!!! Somebody help!!!!'
A friend warned me once way on back when I mentioned a 'cheat meal' turning into a 'cheat day', he said 'Eva be careful, it takes nearly a month to create a good habit and only a few days to ruin it'. *sigh* Yeah I'm seeing that now.
The good news is that I feel hopeful rather than depressed about my weight gain. As I grow and learn about this little journey of mine I know now that you can never approach the same problem the same way twice. What was wonderfully successful before will not likely give me the same wonderful success now. I'm convinced there's something I need to change this time, some attitude, some outlook, some behaviour that will help me achieve what I'm after creating even more honest results. Whether it's a new buddy to fight with, or a new activity to master or perhaps just a shift in my approach something must be different, even if it's just a bit.
An old pastor of mine used to say the definition of insanity was continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different out come.
What I want to do is make some public vows right now and declare how I am going to live and what I am going to live without. It worked last time, very well actually. I am confident that it would be fairly successful this time but not as much as the last. What do I do to make my commitment real? What do I do to be true to how I want to live?
Accountability takes you so far, but you need to be accountable to someone (or someones) who cares enough to give you crap when you screw up. Who will spur you on to do your best and challenge you to get better.
Maybe a physical goal is needed, something measurable, something factual, something I can see change with.
Perhaps I need a new purpose to change. I know changing my eating in the past was much to do with the information I learned. The more I found out about the food I was hooked on the less I wanted to eat it, which then birthed a real commitment to change how I baked, cooked and ate. It was never through how much I wanted to be a certain size at all, though I wanted that it was never a strong enough factor in my will power.
Hmmmmmm .... I feel as though I need to do some soul searching, learning, friend searching, and purpose in me changing my lifestyle. I think I know for sure that the number on the scale or around my waist isn't enough for me to follow an eating plan or exercise routine. I need reason, advantages, facts, and good feelings for me to truly continue (and yes I'm continuing not re starting) my journey.
We're never 'there', where ever 'there' is. But that's good because that means we're still on the road to somewhere. and I'm choosing to believe it's somewhere better.
I sort of want to apologize about so much 'weight' talk much of the time, I'm sure it seems as though I'm obsessed about my appearance. I'm really not. I am probably mildly obsessed with bettering my health, but no more than I am with trying to better the rest of me. It's just easier to try and work on something physical than it is something invisible.
So let me write the following list of things I've learned about my body during my past year's journey towards better health:
* 80% of the equation is what you eat
* my appearance isn't a huge motivator in my progress
* my journey consists of ups and downs NOT going forwards or backwards. Though a weight gain appears to be a step back I believe it's just another lesson in what I am learning about myself and what's really true: I'm still learning.
* I am now convinced that proper nutrition and exercise is the only real way to lose fat and be healthy. I never ever have to engage in a diet. If something needs to be consumed in strict moderation it need not enter my body at all.
* I actually want to take care of what I've been given because good health is a real gift
* I can make my body into anything I want it to be (that is freakin' awesome!!!)
* I love sharing with others the things I have learned
* When my body is strong I feel amazing
* I can't just decide not to put something into my body i know is bad for me I must commit to it. However I need people around me to hold me accountable and remind me why I've chosen to do so.
* more to come .... :)
Wally and I canceled our gym membership today. A bit of a scary thing. We spent money on a home gym (well all the things I mentioned) and hope to continue to build it up a bit more. We know we are not likely to use one so far from home and I do home to maybe just maybe use our gym to train others in someday. We would like to be able to use our membership money on things of our choosing. I would love to take an actual yoga class for a couple of months, then try some other things. Eventually I may rejoin a gym closer by but for now I will see how working out at home goes. I hope to make our gym room a sanctuary in a sense to greet me each day and get me excited about this relatively new part of my life.
You know what would be fun? If someday I surprised Dee by achieving my strength goals and becoming a trainer. I would love to see the look on his face.
Hmmmmmm .... is that motivation enough?
It's like I cannot live by the standards I want to unless I've tied myself to them in some way. Unless I have everyone watching. I'm kinda glad I don't need that for my marriage or I might be in trouble. I wonder if that's why some people don't do so well in marriage relationships - they can't abide by their promises in secret the way they can in public.
Well I'm publicly declaring that unless I publicly declare my vows to a healthy life I'm forever unfaithful.
I've mentioned before I think that since wally and I moved we haven't gone to the gym as we've been painting, packing, moving, Christmasing and now gorging ourselves. We both actually miss it desperately but now are too far from our current gym (including my favourite Dee) to go back. There's another 'sister' gym that's a little closer we could go to but it's still further than we know is best for us (especially in the winter).
When we bought our house we noted the perfect workout room in the basement for us. So last week during Boxing Day sales we used our Master Card points and a little extra to buy a treadmill!! Then later in the week we found a sale on dumbbells that can be used as weights from 2.5 to 20 lbs. We already had a stability ball but then had to buy a bit of floor padding so we picked that up along with a medicine ball and voila, almost a complete home gym. I hope to purchase an adjustable bench in the next couple of weeks. After which time our bank account will need a vacation from the debit card.
I'm so excited to get back to working out and especially trying some things I've been too self conscious about at the gym. I also hope to begin training to do a 5 K run in the spring sometime. My very close friend from far away land (you know, who surprised me at the party) offered to run with me as she will be visiting around that time.
I finally had Wally weigh me yesterday (you know, being New Years and all). I didn't look at the weight nor did I ask what it was. I just wanted to know how much I'd gained. Well actually I wanted to know approximations. I got exactitations.
I was both excited and disappointed to learn that in the 5 weeks without going to the gym and during the month of eating much of the food I'd stayed away from in the past 6 months I had gained a total of 6 pounds (ok I'm lying I gained 6.8 lbs but for some reason I feel better when I leave out the .8).
Of course my mind has played a few games on me reminding me of losing muscle and probably gaining more fat than our scale will reveal and then I think 'Oh my goodness I'm fat! I'm fat! Call the intervention show I'm doomed and have totally gone astray!!! Somebody help!!!!'
A friend warned me once way on back when I mentioned a 'cheat meal' turning into a 'cheat day', he said 'Eva be careful, it takes nearly a month to create a good habit and only a few days to ruin it'. *sigh* Yeah I'm seeing that now.
The good news is that I feel hopeful rather than depressed about my weight gain. As I grow and learn about this little journey of mine I know now that you can never approach the same problem the same way twice. What was wonderfully successful before will not likely give me the same wonderful success now. I'm convinced there's something I need to change this time, some attitude, some outlook, some behaviour that will help me achieve what I'm after creating even more honest results. Whether it's a new buddy to fight with, or a new activity to master or perhaps just a shift in my approach something must be different, even if it's just a bit.
An old pastor of mine used to say the definition of insanity was continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different out come.
What I want to do is make some public vows right now and declare how I am going to live and what I am going to live without. It worked last time, very well actually. I am confident that it would be fairly successful this time but not as much as the last. What do I do to make my commitment real? What do I do to be true to how I want to live?
Accountability takes you so far, but you need to be accountable to someone (or someones) who cares enough to give you crap when you screw up. Who will spur you on to do your best and challenge you to get better.
Maybe a physical goal is needed, something measurable, something factual, something I can see change with.
Perhaps I need a new purpose to change. I know changing my eating in the past was much to do with the information I learned. The more I found out about the food I was hooked on the less I wanted to eat it, which then birthed a real commitment to change how I baked, cooked and ate. It was never through how much I wanted to be a certain size at all, though I wanted that it was never a strong enough factor in my will power.
Hmmmmmm .... I feel as though I need to do some soul searching, learning, friend searching, and purpose in me changing my lifestyle. I think I know for sure that the number on the scale or around my waist isn't enough for me to follow an eating plan or exercise routine. I need reason, advantages, facts, and good feelings for me to truly continue (and yes I'm continuing not re starting) my journey.
We're never 'there', where ever 'there' is. But that's good because that means we're still on the road to somewhere. and I'm choosing to believe it's somewhere better.
I sort of want to apologize about so much 'weight' talk much of the time, I'm sure it seems as though I'm obsessed about my appearance. I'm really not. I am probably mildly obsessed with bettering my health, but no more than I am with trying to better the rest of me. It's just easier to try and work on something physical than it is something invisible.
So let me write the following list of things I've learned about my body during my past year's journey towards better health:
* 80% of the equation is what you eat
* my appearance isn't a huge motivator in my progress
* my journey consists of ups and downs NOT going forwards or backwards. Though a weight gain appears to be a step back I believe it's just another lesson in what I am learning about myself and what's really true: I'm still learning.
* I am now convinced that proper nutrition and exercise is the only real way to lose fat and be healthy. I never ever have to engage in a diet. If something needs to be consumed in strict moderation it need not enter my body at all.
* I actually want to take care of what I've been given because good health is a real gift
* I can make my body into anything I want it to be (that is freakin' awesome!!!)
* I love sharing with others the things I have learned
* When my body is strong I feel amazing
* I can't just decide not to put something into my body i know is bad for me I must commit to it. However I need people around me to hold me accountable and remind me why I've chosen to do so.
* more to come .... :)
Wally and I canceled our gym membership today. A bit of a scary thing. We spent money on a home gym (well all the things I mentioned) and hope to continue to build it up a bit more. We know we are not likely to use one so far from home and I do home to maybe just maybe use our gym to train others in someday. We would like to be able to use our membership money on things of our choosing. I would love to take an actual yoga class for a couple of months, then try some other things. Eventually I may rejoin a gym closer by but for now I will see how working out at home goes. I hope to make our gym room a sanctuary in a sense to greet me each day and get me excited about this relatively new part of my life.
You know what would be fun? If someday I surprised Dee by achieving my strength goals and becoming a trainer. I would love to see the look on his face.
Hmmmmmm .... is that motivation enough?
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