Fears of Fraudulance

I'm torn about what to write about. Do I share what's weighing on my heart or do some housekeeping?

Well since this is a personal blog and not the end of the year books for the tax guy I think I'll go with what's been on my heart...

I've shared many a times about my desire to be a mother, the long waiting period it is seeming to take to get there, our 'we didn't try but we didn't not try stage, our desire to adopt and my inward struggle to be totally fine with every possibility and how long it takes to get where ever.

While Wally and I detoured our lives towards school in hopes of making them better for any future people living in our home I found it really easy to be satisfied with not being a mom, not sharing the most exciting news anyone wants to here, and not even considering much when such news should be shared. Now that it has been a year since school has finished, we are both working, just bought a house and now the 'hmmmm when's a good time to get this kid thing on the go?' question is popping up.

Of course right now we are also in the middle of planning our trip to Thailand to work with Compasio (really probably just be more in the way of Compasio), and raising the $10 000 I committed a few months ago to raise, we do have one distraction.

However my time of naturally accepting 'whatever life gives us' in the realm of a family is, I'm noticing, seeming to be coming to an end. How do I know?

Exhibit #1: A co-worker and I were working together to advocate for someone we both support to go on a trip and she begins using phrases such as 'If I'm pregnant then I'll just volunteer to go on the trip with her', and 'Um yeah, don't tell anyone but I am pregnant!', following by the official announcement (which is of course made on facebook).

During that time I receive only twinges of 'Oh wow, you're pregnant. Hmmmm, we're the same age. You already have one kid. You JUST got married. I don't have any and I've been married for almost 10 years. But that's great for you, congratulations.' (I am secretly lying a little but trying to believe I'm above lying). At one point she also said 'if I can't go on the trip next Dec (because of the new baby) will you go?' Because of course I won't have any...)

Exhibit #2: A girl that I mentored a bit years ago, whom always seemed waaaaay younger than I has a baby and is sharing the facebook love about the baby often. The baby is beautiful and perfect.

I have began to consider 'hiding' this person ONLY because of my own selfish 'I want a little person to love and for my life to seem perfect!' notions. And it seems a tad torturous to here about hers. Even though I SHOULD be overjoyed for her as she is an incredibly lovely girl and no doubt great wife and mommy.

Exhibit #3: My cousin (who again is younger than I and married for less years - yeah I don't know why this part matters but apparently in my head there are invisible rules), and his wife are expecting a baby any day. Finally, after seven years and 'Eva and Wally being married for 10 childless years', another great grand baby is on it's way. My cousin is a very excited and proud first time daddy (if I wasn't holding a stick up my butt I'd likely think this was rather endearing, seeing as the stick is clearly lodged where it shouldn't be I am ridiculously annoyed by all of it).

His wife experienced a lot of sickness in the first few months and openly complained about wanting the pregnancy to be over. I openly reminded her how lucky she was to be able to feeling EVERYTHING that it meant to be pregnant (Can't say it was hard for me to say seeing as I was not the one puking my guts out).

I could go further on about the jealously I sadly hold over these two as they've been married the perfect amount of time to have a child (5 yrs), they have a lovely home that is paid for (thanks to my aunt's passing and my uncle's incredible generosity), they've gone on probably 10 cruises in their relatively short marriage (showing they realize the sacrifice children will bring - ok so that's what I tell my self), and they both have their dream jobs that incidentally bring in substantial bread to eat (like raisin, pizza, whole grain, etc.). Perfect.

Needless to say this has been my biggest challenge to get over within myself. I swear every time I think of them and their life I turn into this horrible jealous monster. I'm really glad there aren't mirrors for the spiritual world - I'd be so ugly.

In conclusion, my evidence clearly shows that I am officially faking being satisfied with not fulfilling my longtime 'calling' of being a mom. I am starting to feel as though I would fit right in on an infertility blog (something which I don't like - no offense to infertility blog writers or readers but SOME of those blogs become pity parties rather than 'ok so let's make a plan of attack and take more joy out of it than I could have ever out of what I thought I wanted'). No doubt I'm running from the thing I dislike within myself the most. Shockingly I'm very far from perfection (I know, I hope you didn't fall off of your chair).

Sooooooooo, now what?

Well I'll be honest. Wally and I are both a little nervous to become pregnant before traveling abroad to a place so foreign and so not Canada. Who knows maybe the very first shot out of the gun would be a perfect target. So we've decided to begin the long arduous steps of the adoption process.

It's funny I don't feel old enough, responsible enough, rich enough, good enough or ready enough to make that phone call. I will admit that I fear the Social Worker will talk us out of it, or into more than we can handle. I fear we will get closer and realize everyone's belief's are true and the children from the system are 'too damaged' for us to handle. I fear the additional negative comments that we will get regarding adoption that doesn't include an infant. I fear making the announcement that we are parents only to see the disappointment that the child isn't genetically 'ours'.

I think though what I fear most is that I will get pregnant in the middle of the adoption path and realize I've been faking my desire to adopt the whole time in efforts to cope and that I am indeed a complete fraud.

However, despite my fears, despite my unreadiness in many ways, I know it's time to at least begin to take steps in some kind of direction and see where we go.

I think I may be blogging more this year ...

Cherrishing

Well I haven't had an 'up in the night' night since we moved but it IS Christmas. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. For a couple of reasons: hello, it's Christmas, who can sleep on Christmas? And I have a sugar hangover from lastnight's sweet fest.

I'm not sure why this year I can't sleep as Wally and I agreed not to purchase any gifts for eachother since we just bought the house (and enough paint to monetarily equal an eighth of our down payment).

Generally we are very creative gift givers. We've always given ourselves a very strict budget to work with since most Christmases we've had together we have not been financially .... um .... well ... let's just say extraordinary (although saying this I know we've always always had what we've needed which is far better than most in this world).

It's only been in the past couple of years we've really felt the fun of shopping for eachother (that being said our budget went from between $25 and $50 to $100 super extravagant for us!!). We have maintained no matter what we have had to shop with that thoughtfulness be the priority and we're both pretty good at that (especially Wally).

I've learned that clearly the anticipation of gifts isn't everything to me but the cherished time we spend together in the early morning of Christmas day with only the tree lights, the doggies, and two well made mugs of hot chocolate in our hands means so much more.

In years past we've written eachother letters (love letters I suppose), a couple of which have been framed and hang in our computer area. Words encouraging one another in the year to come and the endeavors that were anticipated and the faith we shared in eachother's abilities.

This year I told Wally that I thought it'd be fun to share the top ten moments we had together in 2010 as our gift, hopefully something we'll chat about.


I have to mention the richness I feel right now. I'm sitting in our 'upstairs' living room with our new electric fireplace blazing (I'm going to sound spoiled but I have come to almost need a fireplace - I think it's sort of like therapy for me). We have two bedrooms waiting to be filled (and painted) with little ones. We have an empty room in the basement that's finished and perfect for our hopefully soon to be home gym, where someday I hope to be able to train people myself (wow that's sharing a dream!).

We have a dining room ready for entertaining which will hopefully lead to many a good conversations and memories. A little kitchen (soon to be painted) that will hug me every time I cook. Attached to our home (an addition) is a little garage that challenges me every time I back out with not losing my mirrors. And I can't forget the fourth bedroom downstairs that we've made a tv room that's admittedly awkward for tv furniture but will do just fine (we hope to tear down a wall and open it up to the only unfinished room in the basement - that is if we live here long enough).

Aside from the fireplace do you know what I seem to appreciate the most about our new (to us) home? The ancient, but free, dryer I got with the purchase of a 3 year old $100 washing machine on Kijiji.

Yesterday I was doing laundry for the first time since getting the dryer hooked up and I felt as though I was in heaven. I'm not sure if it's because for the 2 1/2 years we lived in the apartment I was too cheap to use the driers (as you may recall from my first 40 day adventure) and I could now use one for free. OR if it was because it cut so much time out of hanging our clothes (I hang A LOT of our clothes anyways), and the dry time. It could be the fact that I no longer have to wear crunchy socks or use stiff wash clothes on my face. There are tonnes of reasons that could be why I love my new (yet archaic) dryer.

I'm not exactly sure why I went on that long bunny trail about a dryer. I guess it ties in with simple, free and unexpected things becoming a pleasure.

Of all the reasons to love having a house again I will admit that I never thought that rickety old thing (that was free!!!!) would be at the top of my list - but it is. I guess it is just a reminder this Christmas that the best things in life are the little things. We never know what might be meaningless to one person could completely change another one's life.

Wally and I, in the past, have named our important appliances. I remember when a couple that were sort of our mentors gave us their old portable dishwasher at the old house. We sent them a thank you card with me hugging our new helpmate we aptly named 'Gloria' because I said 'She's glorious!'.

I'm looking forward this Christmas day to Wally getting up and turning on the kettle, the tree lights and the fire (I know, lighting the fire sounds far more sentimental but sometimes you gotta work with what you have) and sitting together cherishing our memories from this year. That's one thing I love about us, no matter what state we've been in during the holidays, whether good times or bad, we make an effort to really and truly enjoy our time together and make it special (even in the middle of painting a house the week before we're moving in and we SOUND as though we may kill eachother), we value our together.

Not sure where this post was off to but there is it.

Have a very Merry Christmas Day and take time to truly enjoy those you have in your life!

Merry Christmas Eve!!

It's noon thirty this Christmas Eve and I have so many thoughts I'd love to share about the season and the past couple weeks Wally and I have had in our new home. However time is ticking away and I have to ice the cookies I had declared I wasn't making this year, before celebrating with my in laws this evening.

The first thing I must mention is a recent donation made to my Compasio campaign. I was standing in Walmart yesterday with a young lady I was supporting checking texts I wasn't supposed to be checking when Wally had asked me in a text what the campaign was at. I replied '$320; He was ecstatic to be the one to share with me that there had been a $1000 donation!!! Of course since I was supposed to be working and not checking texts I had to forget what I heard but inside I was amazed.

I had recently shared with a fried my feelings of disappoint about a work fundraiser that popped up that would target many of those I was hoping to attract (my co workers) in the same month I was planning to do our big event.

I felt discouraged, overwhelmed and mad at myself for setting a ridiculous goal. Why would I do this? why do I always have to be so 'out there'? Oh I get so flustered with myself sometimes.

Anyways hearing the sudden swell in donations did more than boost my energy is goal. It gave me hope and increased my faith that we could indeed raise the $10 000. A wonderful Christmas gift.

I plan to write again before the new year as I'd love to reflect upon the past one and look ahead at the one to come. For now though I say thank you for allowing me into your heart, and though I don't know who is reading, thank you for encouraging mine. I hope that for what ever reason you read you are given something good in return.

May you enjoy the holidays and feel hope for the future in knowing so much of it lies in your heart and how you approach it. I am continuing to learn this every day.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Eva :)

Alive and bloggin!

Hey I'm still around!

Wally and I just moved into our new (to us) home last Saturday and have not had the internet until tonight. Before that we spent the week painting and moving over boxes and boxes. Now we are in the middle of Christmas stuff and unpacking. I hope to be able to settle soon and be able to share some thoughts (for whatever they're worth).

Will be writing soon :)

Eva!

In a nutshell

My day in a nutshell ...

Woke up.
Discovered 7 bites on the top half of my body that were really itchy and red. Wondered what creature did this.
Made yummy 'clean' pancakes with blueberry sauce.
Got into a disagreement with Wally.
Regretted not kissing him good bye before he even left.
Got ready for the gym.
Got distracted by the dishes.
Got distracted by facebook.
Wrote a short blog.
Decided not to go to the gym.
Felt bad for avoiding a weight training session.
Got showered and ready for the day.
Felt sad for no apparent reason.
Sulked in my bed while watching 'Til Debt Do Us Part' episodes for 2 hours until I had no choice but to finally do the dishes.
Took the dogs out and make my lunch to go.
Left for work.
Almost accidentally put diesel in my car.
Was relieved I didn't.
Arrived at my shift.
Killed a bunch of errands with the person I was supporting.
For the first time in a while really enjoyed my time with her as she had no weird 'drama' in her head.
Left that shift way too late to go to my next shift at the mental hospital.
Hated the mental hospital.
Enjoyed that Dolly was in a good mood overall.
Removed a ginger ale can from the toilet before helping her use it (without gloves). Noticed that there was no soap in the dispenser in the bathroom there.
Wanted a shower with my clothes on.
Left my shift.
Got talked to my a woman who seemed like she should be admitted who asked me several times for change to use the phone.
Lied several times about not having change.
Hated the mental hospital for making me lie.
Hated driving in the rain. Arrived home at 6:15pm.
Checked e-mail.
Ate a reheated sort of gross stir fry made with freezer leftovers.
Was thankful for it anyways.
Left for a meeting at 6:40pm.
Had a pretty good meeting.
Arrived home at 8:55pm.
Scratched the bites I couldn't scratch all day because it would have been too inappropriate.
Considered putting in a scratching post.
Enjoyed pj's that I made myself that are indeed 4 sizes to big.
Telling you who likely doesn't care but bored enough to read, all about it.
Sleep well (at least that's the plan).

Slowing Down

I got the following e-mail from a friend I have recently met who has embraced my fund raising like no one else. She was telling a friend of hers who was visiting her last week about coming over to help me and a couple of my friends brain storm about fund raising ideas and he requested to have a jar (that was a very long sentence).

He's Jewish and knows it's for a Christian organization but since the jars only had the website and what I was fund raising for he said it would be 'safe' to help us out...

"George took the jar to shul on Saturday during Shabbat and just left it ... he said that people have asked about it and already there is about $20 in change in the jar ... he said that one man said, sure that sounds like a very good idea to buy a motor bike to take the nurses into give needles, I will give you all of my change ... all he had was a nickel ... he told George he would put more in next time ...

so, it may be at a nickel at a time, or a loonie, or toonie, doesn't matter as long as they fill the jar. One guy put a handful of change in and there were several toonies involved. :)"

At first I didn't really think much about it as I'd just gotten home from work and was tired. But then I started to realize that this little idea has gotten into another province that speaks another language and has even touched another Faith culture. That's incredible.

The process.

I need to embrace this seemingly slow moving process.

You have a chance to see so much more when you are moving slow as opposed to moving fast. I'm going to try and look around a bit today.

To enjoy the view.

To notice the 'little things' that are actually 'the big things'.

Excitement!

I'm very excited. My jar just doubled in the last hour!

Ok so it now has roughly $17 in it but that's not bad for a couple of weeks and only three people giving.

Tonight I have three people coming over that have committed to helping me fund raise towards my goal. This also makes me very excited. They barely know much about Compasio (except for what I've shared, which isn't a lot) and they are taking time and energy out of their lives to help me do this, without them I know I couldn't.

Maybe I should clean up a little. Well, at least put yesterdays' underwear in the laundry hamper instead of leaving it in front of the bathroom door. I'm sort of a slob right now, with the move and all.

We hope to start planning a large benefit tonight, the fundraiser that I hope will bring in at least half of what I have committed to raise. Yikes.

I have had mixed emotions since my commitment to do this, right now though nothing other than excitement and humility. I do have moments when I'm angry at myself for being so naive and other moments that I already want to give up. Right now I'm going to hang on to the excitement I'm feeling and ride it for as long as I can. Until the end of June if possible :)

That's really all I wanted to share today. It's not much but it's what I've got.

Cheers!