Today I had one of those days that makes you wonder why you do what you do. The funny thing it wasn't what I was doing that made me wonder, it was the 'business' that goes along with it.
I briefly contemplated early retirement, then reminded myself to be careful what I wish for. I then took a few minutes to miss being self employed answering really only to myself. Of course this too has it's own set of challenges.
Recently I've noticed the great divide between many in management positions (I'm assuming in general) and those who spend their time primarily doing frontline work.
Days like today make me have to use every fiber of my being not to shout out in the middle of the office 'Seriously? Can you not read?' as I gazed at my highlighted, scribbled on mileage form that was placed back into my mailbox. It apparently had not held the all of the info that it was supposed to.
I was unusually frustrated at the dozen little notes written to me with obvious confusion and frustration on the judges part. Enough I nearly cried. Luckily I reminded myself that I was tired as it was my final day of work in my week and I had just finished an overnight a few hours prior.
I did not respond out loud as I did in my head ... this time. I instead bubbled and boiled to myself as I gazed over my sheet. From what I know it got approved ('this time').
I'm not sure why this incident bothered me so much. I'm not sure if it's because I have had my limit of encounters with management obsessing over crossed t's and dotted i's in select circumstances while seemingly missing the entire meaning behind what the i's and t's are spelling out in others. Or the fact that I wonder if they have indeed forgotten what all we do as support workers.
Whatever it is I am beginning to wonder how long I will be able to passionately embrace this field. It is so incredibly draining on so many levels.
There's the physical level of lifting, wiping, washing, sometimes hitting, hair pulling, along with the regular go, go , go schedule.
There's the emotional level of relating, empathizing, advocating, communicating, understanding, being patient, genuinely caring, and constantly drawing on energy from deep within to help you get through a stubborn situation of someone who really seems to be in another place.
The intellectual level of problem solving, being creative, teaching, understanding the flawed system of government and formal supports to make your way around, and dealing with the all important mileage sheets (that give you a tenth of a centimeter to write a novels worth of information in - yeah I'm still ticked off about that).
I was complaining to Wally tonight about how I worked so many hours. He asked how many. I said 'between 35-45 a week'. He replied 'You're working normal hours that everyone works!'
By no means do I think my job is the hardest in the world, or the most difficult, nor does it take the most brain power.
I do think that the best support workers limit their time doing frontline support work - for the good of all. By no means am I saying those that only work 35 hrs and under are the best at their job, just that to be the best you have to carefully and thoughtfully take care of yourself and recognize what's best for all involved.
I have quickly learned that there is very little money to be earned in human services really. And we get caught in the whirlwind of needing to survive that balloons into feeling entitled to the things we want. and why wouldn't we? Anyone that works hard deserves to enjoy the benefits of their labour. Unfortunately if you are a single and living on your own in this field this leaves you busting your butt day and night and getting over worked and under valued.
As I was driving home from a shift tonight I was thinking about how I really no longer desire to trade in my happiness and joy for a few more dollars. I briefly remembered how lucky I am to have a partner with a job to help pay the bills. Then I thought to myself 'What would I do without him?'
Monetarily speaking .... I knew the answer right away. I would own little and love it. I would not kill myself to own a house, or have a big apartment. In fact I would likely be living in an old couples' basement or sharing an apartment with some sketchy roommate. Who knows really? I just know that I have come to value my joy above my stuff and don't think I could go back. It's so not worth it.
I love the essence of my job.
I'm not fond of the neighborhood and the company the essence keeps. (Or should I say the company that surrounds the essence).
For now I will do my best to reign in my thoughts from coming out of my mouth often enough so that the higher ups aren't constantly considering coming down on me. And continue to look for ways to find a smile, a laugh and the joy in the time I spend with the people I support.
I'm in this field for a reason right now and while I'm here I might as well enjoy the scenery and learn everything I can because soon enough life changes and you miss what you once had.
(No I have no plans on another job anytime soon, however the best plans are thwarted often in a great story).
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
My new project
Ok so I only have a handful of minutes here it is ...
I have contacted the organization in Thai Thai and they have welcomed us to come and visit without any troubles.
Though there is much more planning to be done wally and I are tentatively planning on going to Thai Thai in January or February of next year (only 4-5 months away!!!).
I contacted Compasio a couple of weeks ago about visiting and about some sort of project I could post on my blog and facebook to work on while waiting for our trip. Something that could connect us a bit more to what they do so that when we arrive it won't seem so unfamiliar (what they do - I'll post more on that later).
Anyways I was given a short list of a couple of things I could work to fund raise for. Things that they really need and a few things that would just be nice to have.
As I got thinking of the projects to fund raise for I had the realization that most people doing service work abroad in this context have to raise their funds to go. Since Wally and I decided long ago that we wouldn't be doing that I had another thought: Why not raise the amount of money we would have for our trip over there only use it towards the needs they shared with us!! The amount we would need to raise would cover EVERYTHING they mentioned to me (like, their WHOLE list!!!).
I have already shared my thoughts with the organization and am now looking into how to connect up a system for collecting funds for these specific projects (I'm sure it's not that difficult, I'm just not tech savvy) on this blog and my facebook page.
My goal: $4000.00. Half of which I want to raise before we go (ideally it would be great to raise all of it but I do want to be prepared for the possibility it being a challenge).
I am confident that with the help of those around me and perhaps some creative fund raisers this can be done. It is something I believe it and plan to share.
*big sigh released*
What have I gotten myself into?
Something very ... worthwhile!!
I have contacted the organization in Thai Thai and they have welcomed us to come and visit without any troubles.
Though there is much more planning to be done wally and I are tentatively planning on going to Thai Thai in January or February of next year (only 4-5 months away!!!).
I contacted Compasio a couple of weeks ago about visiting and about some sort of project I could post on my blog and facebook to work on while waiting for our trip. Something that could connect us a bit more to what they do so that when we arrive it won't seem so unfamiliar (what they do - I'll post more on that later).
Anyways I was given a short list of a couple of things I could work to fund raise for. Things that they really need and a few things that would just be nice to have.
As I got thinking of the projects to fund raise for I had the realization that most people doing service work abroad in this context have to raise their funds to go. Since Wally and I decided long ago that we wouldn't be doing that I had another thought: Why not raise the amount of money we would have for our trip over there only use it towards the needs they shared with us!! The amount we would need to raise would cover EVERYTHING they mentioned to me (like, their WHOLE list!!!).
I have already shared my thoughts with the organization and am now looking into how to connect up a system for collecting funds for these specific projects (I'm sure it's not that difficult, I'm just not tech savvy) on this blog and my facebook page.
My goal: $4000.00. Half of which I want to raise before we go (ideally it would be great to raise all of it but I do want to be prepared for the possibility it being a challenge).
I am confident that with the help of those around me and perhaps some creative fund raisers this can be done. It is something I believe it and plan to share.
*big sigh released*
What have I gotten myself into?
Something very ... worthwhile!!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hiccups and other progress
Hello again!
As I've mentioned before my writing hunger has subsided as of late however I felt the need to come clean with you all about something.
First of all, I know I started a 'body blog' but I seemed to abandon it weeks ago as I clearly am unable to juggle two at once. Oh well, the apocalypse didn't occur so I think I'm safe.
The past 2 weeks of my clean eating pursuits have been less than stellar. In fact they have been a genuine struggle for me. Which is rather odd since I have educated myself so greatly to the effects and consequences of 'unclean' eating. I guess it goes to show you that ultimately it all comes down to our own choices in the end.
It's been the social times that have been my downfall and have slowly but surely steered me away from my usual clean choices while out. On a good note it has seemed to have hit me in a trickle of situations that I have made choices to consciously and seemingly rationally go against my commitment in such a way that didn't seem to be breaking my own rules at all (ok so I'm not sure if that's really a good note).
Now, if I felt ready to begin my allowances for 'cheating' (you know, the so loved cheat meal) I would not be bothered so much, but since I have seen how one choice leads to another and so on and so forth I now know why I have made the decision to be so strict with myself and why.
Though I will confess I am to some degree disappointed with myself, in another way I am very proud because my weakest point in my past with food has been the emotional binge that occurs alone and with baked goodies. And that my friends, I have not succumbed to. THAT am I so proud of and must sit and celebrate because this means I am still awake and aware of what I am doing and have just trusted myself a little too much with liberties I am not yet ready for.
I was going through the grocery store yesterday to pick up a brownie mix to make for some of Wally's school friends (yeah, I don't clean bake for anyone but Wally, me I'm way too cheap). I had thought about my less than stellar choices lately and almost picked myself up some chocolate covered almonds, I mean almonds are good right? and what does it matter anyway I knew I'd be enjoying some oil filled, artery clogged brownies later anyway as I'd gone astray...
I even walked myself out of the way right to the bulk candy section to purposefully indulge in one of my favourite treats, having a mental competition with myself as I made the journey.
I shocked myself completely when I floated right past them without even stopping. Somewhere along the road I had a conversation in my head and quickly won the battle. I'm not even sure how. I believe a brief flash of reality whipped through my mind and I admitted to myself that the one thing I had yet to fail myself with during my past two months of clean eating (or my version of such) was the fact that I had yet to personally, on my own, by myself, purchase anything like this and I knew that meant a great deal. (Any 'cheating' was done in a social context which still isn't ideal but is somehow redeeming for me).
I won that very important battle and it made me happy. Very happy.
After enjoying pizza at our social occasion (and brownies and oatmeal cookies that would've definitely all been banned at a Tosca Reno convention, I mean they wouldn't have even been allowed to be burned at the alter).
I decided it was time to shape up as I had certainly learned and was reminded why I had made the decision to go clean for 6 months in the first place.
I made the decision to learn the flavours and tastes of pure whole foods without them being tainted by manufactured .... crap (sorry no other adjectives seem appropriate).
I wanted my taste buds and body to become accustomed to natural healthy foods so that when occasions occurred including my former addictions I'd be prepared with a highly trained palette and body to react in such a way that I either wouldn't want to eat those things again OR that it would only be capable of enjoying a taste before turning on me.
I have come a long way in training these things however I am still in the process not to be let go of. I have learned in the past two weeks that when you reacquaint yourself with the old ways on more than one occasion in a short period of time it is not hard to get used to them. This is a great lesson to learn and one I am thankful for. (Though I am not looking forward to going through the craving stage again, I'll get through though - I'm determined).
The old me would've taken this opportunity of what seems to be failure, to quit. The new me sees it as a chance to learn and be reminded of what I really want for my life. This doesn't make doing it any easier. However by sharing my struggle with you I feel as though it may help you know that perfection in the journey does not exist. You will fall, you will disappoint yourself, and you will make mistakes.
But, as we often hear: It's what you choose to do afterwords that makes the difference.
I'm so glad with every lesson that comes along we don't seem to get the first time, we almost always get a chance to try again.
It's so strange. This is the first time in my life that I have been able to hold on to what I believe, in regards to my healthy life, through the struggle of getting there (yes, even though I'm not there yet). Usually I give up and tell myself that my goal or dream is for 'other people'. Not anymore, now I know it's for me too if I truly want it. And I do.
As I've journeyed my dreams have expanded very little by very little. I never started out day one to become a bikini model or an advocate of eating perfection. Neither one of those things are my current goals. However the further I maintain focus and allow myself to fixate on the things I do want, the more I believe the others things are also possible. It's quite amazing.
I am continuing to learn that this and probably everything else is about the process, making me less anxious about my 'lessons' along the way that seemingly trip me up but in reality probably skip me steps forward because they are permanent lessons learned. What an amazing thing!!!!!
I mean the reason that I used to give up diets and new eating plans or exercise tries so often was because they were 'all or nothings'. I either had to start Monday and get it right all week or I would give up at my first failure. Now I realize that failure isn't failure, it's learning what not to do, what attitude to release, or what behaviour needs to be tweaked. All of these years I've been fighting the process and now I'm submitting to it. (Slowly but surely).
If you are walking through this little journey (whether it's about your body or anything else) with me don't give up when things don't go perfectly, hang on tight and keep your eyes on the prize. You will get there. IF you don't let go. Just make sure it's something you believe in.
When I started I would never have believed in my current goals, so I had goals that I could believe in. Then as I got closer they changed and I set new goals and I'm still doing so (again, not just with my body but many other things!!). You will amaze yourself!
My intent isn't to sound all new agey and stuff. Just to share with the lessons I'm being taught. Trust me when I say that I'm quite sure I get far more out of writing these things out than you do!
Cheers!
(P.S. I have also come to realize that we can be taught the same lesson a hundred times over, not because we've failed - I think they are just reminders).
As I've mentioned before my writing hunger has subsided as of late however I felt the need to come clean with you all about something.
First of all, I know I started a 'body blog' but I seemed to abandon it weeks ago as I clearly am unable to juggle two at once. Oh well, the apocalypse didn't occur so I think I'm safe.
The past 2 weeks of my clean eating pursuits have been less than stellar. In fact they have been a genuine struggle for me. Which is rather odd since I have educated myself so greatly to the effects and consequences of 'unclean' eating. I guess it goes to show you that ultimately it all comes down to our own choices in the end.
It's been the social times that have been my downfall and have slowly but surely steered me away from my usual clean choices while out. On a good note it has seemed to have hit me in a trickle of situations that I have made choices to consciously and seemingly rationally go against my commitment in such a way that didn't seem to be breaking my own rules at all (ok so I'm not sure if that's really a good note).
Now, if I felt ready to begin my allowances for 'cheating' (you know, the so loved cheat meal) I would not be bothered so much, but since I have seen how one choice leads to another and so on and so forth I now know why I have made the decision to be so strict with myself and why.
Though I will confess I am to some degree disappointed with myself, in another way I am very proud because my weakest point in my past with food has been the emotional binge that occurs alone and with baked goodies. And that my friends, I have not succumbed to. THAT am I so proud of and must sit and celebrate because this means I am still awake and aware of what I am doing and have just trusted myself a little too much with liberties I am not yet ready for.
I was going through the grocery store yesterday to pick up a brownie mix to make for some of Wally's school friends (yeah, I don't clean bake for anyone but Wally, me I'm way too cheap). I had thought about my less than stellar choices lately and almost picked myself up some chocolate covered almonds, I mean almonds are good right? and what does it matter anyway I knew I'd be enjoying some oil filled, artery clogged brownies later anyway as I'd gone astray...
I even walked myself out of the way right to the bulk candy section to purposefully indulge in one of my favourite treats, having a mental competition with myself as I made the journey.
I shocked myself completely when I floated right past them without even stopping. Somewhere along the road I had a conversation in my head and quickly won the battle. I'm not even sure how. I believe a brief flash of reality whipped through my mind and I admitted to myself that the one thing I had yet to fail myself with during my past two months of clean eating (or my version of such) was the fact that I had yet to personally, on my own, by myself, purchase anything like this and I knew that meant a great deal. (Any 'cheating' was done in a social context which still isn't ideal but is somehow redeeming for me).
I won that very important battle and it made me happy. Very happy.
After enjoying pizza at our social occasion (and brownies and oatmeal cookies that would've definitely all been banned at a Tosca Reno convention, I mean they wouldn't have even been allowed to be burned at the alter).
I decided it was time to shape up as I had certainly learned and was reminded why I had made the decision to go clean for 6 months in the first place.
I made the decision to learn the flavours and tastes of pure whole foods without them being tainted by manufactured .... crap (sorry no other adjectives seem appropriate).
I wanted my taste buds and body to become accustomed to natural healthy foods so that when occasions occurred including my former addictions I'd be prepared with a highly trained palette and body to react in such a way that I either wouldn't want to eat those things again OR that it would only be capable of enjoying a taste before turning on me.
I have come a long way in training these things however I am still in the process not to be let go of. I have learned in the past two weeks that when you reacquaint yourself with the old ways on more than one occasion in a short period of time it is not hard to get used to them. This is a great lesson to learn and one I am thankful for. (Though I am not looking forward to going through the craving stage again, I'll get through though - I'm determined).
The old me would've taken this opportunity of what seems to be failure, to quit. The new me sees it as a chance to learn and be reminded of what I really want for my life. This doesn't make doing it any easier. However by sharing my struggle with you I feel as though it may help you know that perfection in the journey does not exist. You will fall, you will disappoint yourself, and you will make mistakes.
But, as we often hear: It's what you choose to do afterwords that makes the difference.
I'm so glad with every lesson that comes along we don't seem to get the first time, we almost always get a chance to try again.
It's so strange. This is the first time in my life that I have been able to hold on to what I believe, in regards to my healthy life, through the struggle of getting there (yes, even though I'm not there yet). Usually I give up and tell myself that my goal or dream is for 'other people'. Not anymore, now I know it's for me too if I truly want it. And I do.
As I've journeyed my dreams have expanded very little by very little. I never started out day one to become a bikini model or an advocate of eating perfection. Neither one of those things are my current goals. However the further I maintain focus and allow myself to fixate on the things I do want, the more I believe the others things are also possible. It's quite amazing.
I am continuing to learn that this and probably everything else is about the process, making me less anxious about my 'lessons' along the way that seemingly trip me up but in reality probably skip me steps forward because they are permanent lessons learned. What an amazing thing!!!!!
I mean the reason that I used to give up diets and new eating plans or exercise tries so often was because they were 'all or nothings'. I either had to start Monday and get it right all week or I would give up at my first failure. Now I realize that failure isn't failure, it's learning what not to do, what attitude to release, or what behaviour needs to be tweaked. All of these years I've been fighting the process and now I'm submitting to it. (Slowly but surely).
If you are walking through this little journey (whether it's about your body or anything else) with me don't give up when things don't go perfectly, hang on tight and keep your eyes on the prize. You will get there. IF you don't let go. Just make sure it's something you believe in.
When I started I would never have believed in my current goals, so I had goals that I could believe in. Then as I got closer they changed and I set new goals and I'm still doing so (again, not just with my body but many other things!!). You will amaze yourself!
My intent isn't to sound all new agey and stuff. Just to share with the lessons I'm being taught. Trust me when I say that I'm quite sure I get far more out of writing these things out than you do!
Cheers!
(P.S. I have also come to realize that we can be taught the same lesson a hundred times over, not because we've failed - I think they are just reminders).
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Granite, formica or ... plastic tv trays?
Wow, it's been a while. Well for me that is. I've been busier than balanced in general but it's ok, I think. I've been scheduling, scheduling, scheduling social time and enjoyed every visit I've snatched up in the past couple of weeks. My how I love connecting with people, especially the ones who I know want to be connected with.
I've been trying not to allow myself to write for the sake of writing because it tends to allow me to be more negative than I'd like to be known for. However as of late I've had a couple of (ok so I'm avoiding the Oprahism 'A HA' so bear with me as I think of an appropriate term ...) 'I get it' moments. Some were more 'Why don't you get it?' moments (sorry but it's true.)
The other day I was invited to go to a bridal shower of one of my colleagues at work. Generally I hate showers of any kind (you know what I mean) and I avoid them like the plague. However in this case my co worker herself invited me to this little shin dig and insisted that I come. Initially I was told (by her) that it was a night on the town with bars and fun and such, something I don't really fit in well with but I thought this would be a great opportunity to try as this would be an older bunch and I figured a good group to ease into this party situation with. When I read the original invitation I laughed at the wording and how NOT young this group was (not that there's anything wrong with that).
It wasn't until I checked my e-mail and learned that the planned 'outing' was a ploy to trick this chick into thinking it was just an outing when indeed it was a good old fashioned bridal shower. yay.
I had already committed to going so off I went to suburbia to party hard with the ladies surrounded by toilet paper and trays of party food.
I arrived miraculously with little confusion which was surprising considering the fact that there were at least 3 turn-abouts (is that what they are called?) and well I think I've mentioned how terrible I am with regular directions let alone ones that require astute attention with every turn.
The shower was at another co-worker's place which I quickly noticed was in a newer development. I didn't give this a whole lot of thought until the door opened up to a wondrously beautiful home. Dark wood cupboards in the kitchen covered with granite counter top, a large beautiful island that worked perfectly for the buffet of snacks. The fireplace and large open concept welcomed many, without fears of claustrophobia honing in.
Now remember how I don't think it's wrong for people to enjoy these sorts of things? Well I don't, in fact I celebrate it and love it, especially when I get to visit and enjoy and be a part of a comfortable gathering. I love when people can open up and share what they have with others, no matter what it is that they have.
I need to take you back about a week and a half to a conversation I shared with this co worker while we were coming and going one afternoon. She knelt over my open car window and said 'I think it's time for me to give up working weekends. I've worked weekends and evenings for 40 years. I want to enjoy my time!'.
No doubt. I've been working evenings and weekends for a year (in this field) and I think it's for the birds (what the heck does that mean anyways?).
In that moment as she shared her fatigue of her unwelcome schedule I slouched further and further down into my car hoping and praying she didn't know what me schedule was. Feeling like perhaps she was testing me to fess up with the fact that my unearned schedule was pretty good. I was waiting for thunder and lightning to strike and her eyes to go red and start glowing at me. Seeing down to the deepest part of my soul.
Fortunately for me the moment passed and I didn't get found out. Phew!
Let's get back to the shower.
As I quietly walked into this incredible home and appreciated each little extra feature it held I immediately remembered our conversation a few days earlier.
By no means is my intention to judge her and hand down a sentence of 'serves you right lady!', though clearly I had my measuring tape out very much ready to do these things. I couldn't help but wonder if she knew the secret and was ignoring it, or if she hadn't found it yet.
So often I have heard people at work go on and on about being 'over hours' or 'always working' or whatever. I generally assume they have to do it because of financial reasons (we don't exactly make millions in our field). And by financial reasons I mean for food and their survival, not for granite counter tops.
As the ladies at the shower visited at one point the conversation steered head on into various thoughts about this beautiful home. Many were commenting on it's loveliness but our host wasn't so sure. Apparently they'd built before (maybe even a couple of times) and they just couldn't seem to get it right. She listed off the many things she didn't like about this home and someone retorted jokingly 'When are you moving?' Everyone laughed but inside I couldn't help but feel very relieved at my discovery.
Life is people. Life is enjoyment. Life is relaxing. Life is love. Life is ... what we make it out to be.
I know, I know, you (along with my psyche) are saying 'Yeah and life is hard, life hurts, life sucks, life is sad, stressful, heart breaking, a pain in the ass, and a boat load of other negative descriptions. Have you lost your friggin' mind Eva?!'
Well, probably. But I have to point out how much we bring a lot of these things on ourselves. Think about your car payment ... does it stress you out? Either it does or it doesn't. It may because you know it was a bit out of your price range, or it may not because you were smart enough to know what you could afford in the first place (and you may even be laughing if you're a genius without one!). How about rent or your mortgage? That trip you went on last year or the clothes you bought last weekend.
Is it really life that stresses us out or is it how we approach it. I know I'm speaking more right now about material things but I think the notion can easily be transferred into emotional things. I wouldn't trade for one minute my house back (although I talk about it a lot) for the lessons and skills Wally and I have learned over the past 2 years of living in a city in an apartment starting over.
I wouldn't add an extra hundred dollars to my paycheque in exchange for the time I've enjoyed with friends over the past couple of weeks. None of it's worth it.
Try it, try looking at how you organize your time, your talents and your affections. You'll be absolutely amazed at how many little things you can change and how much more joy you can experience. I'm learning slowly, yet quickly that life is so much more valuable than money and stuff.
I realize that it's easy for me to say as I have a partner to share life's financial burdens with but I have no doubt in my mind that we can all free up a few things in the name of our peace of mind.
We owe it to the time we've been given to use it wisely. So .... do it and enjoy!
Disclaimer: As I said earlier I don't think it's wrong to have nice things. I do think it's sad when our focus on these things causes us to overlook the limits of the time we've been given. I would not have mentioned this story if I hadn't first heard the musings of a discontented heart.
I've been trying not to allow myself to write for the sake of writing because it tends to allow me to be more negative than I'd like to be known for. However as of late I've had a couple of (ok so I'm avoiding the Oprahism 'A HA' so bear with me as I think of an appropriate term ...) 'I get it' moments. Some were more 'Why don't you get it?' moments (sorry but it's true.)
The other day I was invited to go to a bridal shower of one of my colleagues at work. Generally I hate showers of any kind (you know what I mean) and I avoid them like the plague. However in this case my co worker herself invited me to this little shin dig and insisted that I come. Initially I was told (by her) that it was a night on the town with bars and fun and such, something I don't really fit in well with but I thought this would be a great opportunity to try as this would be an older bunch and I figured a good group to ease into this party situation with. When I read the original invitation I laughed at the wording and how NOT young this group was (not that there's anything wrong with that).
It wasn't until I checked my e-mail and learned that the planned 'outing' was a ploy to trick this chick into thinking it was just an outing when indeed it was a good old fashioned bridal shower. yay.
I had already committed to going so off I went to suburbia to party hard with the ladies surrounded by toilet paper and trays of party food.
I arrived miraculously with little confusion which was surprising considering the fact that there were at least 3 turn-abouts (is that what they are called?) and well I think I've mentioned how terrible I am with regular directions let alone ones that require astute attention with every turn.
The shower was at another co-worker's place which I quickly noticed was in a newer development. I didn't give this a whole lot of thought until the door opened up to a wondrously beautiful home. Dark wood cupboards in the kitchen covered with granite counter top, a large beautiful island that worked perfectly for the buffet of snacks. The fireplace and large open concept welcomed many, without fears of claustrophobia honing in.
Now remember how I don't think it's wrong for people to enjoy these sorts of things? Well I don't, in fact I celebrate it and love it, especially when I get to visit and enjoy and be a part of a comfortable gathering. I love when people can open up and share what they have with others, no matter what it is that they have.
I need to take you back about a week and a half to a conversation I shared with this co worker while we were coming and going one afternoon. She knelt over my open car window and said 'I think it's time for me to give up working weekends. I've worked weekends and evenings for 40 years. I want to enjoy my time!'.
No doubt. I've been working evenings and weekends for a year (in this field) and I think it's for the birds (what the heck does that mean anyways?).
In that moment as she shared her fatigue of her unwelcome schedule I slouched further and further down into my car hoping and praying she didn't know what me schedule was. Feeling like perhaps she was testing me to fess up with the fact that my unearned schedule was pretty good. I was waiting for thunder and lightning to strike and her eyes to go red and start glowing at me. Seeing down to the deepest part of my soul.
Fortunately for me the moment passed and I didn't get found out. Phew!
Let's get back to the shower.
As I quietly walked into this incredible home and appreciated each little extra feature it held I immediately remembered our conversation a few days earlier.
By no means is my intention to judge her and hand down a sentence of 'serves you right lady!', though clearly I had my measuring tape out very much ready to do these things. I couldn't help but wonder if she knew the secret and was ignoring it, or if she hadn't found it yet.
So often I have heard people at work go on and on about being 'over hours' or 'always working' or whatever. I generally assume they have to do it because of financial reasons (we don't exactly make millions in our field). And by financial reasons I mean for food and their survival, not for granite counter tops.
As the ladies at the shower visited at one point the conversation steered head on into various thoughts about this beautiful home. Many were commenting on it's loveliness but our host wasn't so sure. Apparently they'd built before (maybe even a couple of times) and they just couldn't seem to get it right. She listed off the many things she didn't like about this home and someone retorted jokingly 'When are you moving?' Everyone laughed but inside I couldn't help but feel very relieved at my discovery.
Life is people. Life is enjoyment. Life is relaxing. Life is love. Life is ... what we make it out to be.
I know, I know, you (along with my psyche) are saying 'Yeah and life is hard, life hurts, life sucks, life is sad, stressful, heart breaking, a pain in the ass, and a boat load of other negative descriptions. Have you lost your friggin' mind Eva?!'
Well, probably. But I have to point out how much we bring a lot of these things on ourselves. Think about your car payment ... does it stress you out? Either it does or it doesn't. It may because you know it was a bit out of your price range, or it may not because you were smart enough to know what you could afford in the first place (and you may even be laughing if you're a genius without one!). How about rent or your mortgage? That trip you went on last year or the clothes you bought last weekend.
Is it really life that stresses us out or is it how we approach it. I know I'm speaking more right now about material things but I think the notion can easily be transferred into emotional things. I wouldn't trade for one minute my house back (although I talk about it a lot) for the lessons and skills Wally and I have learned over the past 2 years of living in a city in an apartment starting over.
I wouldn't add an extra hundred dollars to my paycheque in exchange for the time I've enjoyed with friends over the past couple of weeks. None of it's worth it.
Try it, try looking at how you organize your time, your talents and your affections. You'll be absolutely amazed at how many little things you can change and how much more joy you can experience. I'm learning slowly, yet quickly that life is so much more valuable than money and stuff.
I realize that it's easy for me to say as I have a partner to share life's financial burdens with but I have no doubt in my mind that we can all free up a few things in the name of our peace of mind.
We owe it to the time we've been given to use it wisely. So .... do it and enjoy!
Disclaimer: As I said earlier I don't think it's wrong to have nice things. I do think it's sad when our focus on these things causes us to overlook the limits of the time we've been given. I would not have mentioned this story if I hadn't first heard the musings of a discontented heart.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Getting the hang of things
Well ladies and gents, it's been a whole week without any blogging and the world is still a turning which tells me something. I'm but a simple addition to this little thing called life, and that's ok with me.
To be honest I haven't had a whole lot on my mind. (Ok so that's not entirely true but what I have on my mind I cannot blog about).
I've been trying to settle into this new 'balanced' lifestyle that I'm working on. I have to say, it's going pretty well.
I've been spending my time working, playing, resting, exerting my physical energy, talking, rekindling some friendships and trying to patch up others.
I cannot emphasize enough how much my incredibly unbalanced work life over the past 10 months has affected the rest of my life. I sort of feel like I am just noticing a tornado that whipped through and now am trying to assess the damage and figure out where to start to 'clean up'.
It, at times, has felt overwhelming. Closets over run with scrap booking supplies and pictures waiting to be creatively placed (I've realized I don't think that I even like scrapbooking just the finished product). Friends we haven't visited in over a year waiting to be seen. Other relationships that have been put on the back burner that have boiled over while waiting for attention. Then there’s my spirit that is overjoyed that I’ve allowed this miracle of time to be found.
If someone had told me a year ago that my 30 hr contract along with school and my 30 hr placement would have lead me down a wretched path of unbalanced disarray I wouldn’t have believed it. I would’ve argued that I was immune to relationship follies (especially with those closest to me), that I ‘could handle whatever comes my way’, and that ‘there’s no way I could gain 15 pounds in a few short months'.
I sacrificed everything, my body, mind and the wellness of my spirit to accomplish things.
My body, mind and spirit, I have since learned are worth far more than ‘things’.
Things being money, stuff, peoples’ opinions, earning respect, feeling needed.
It’s kind of strange. It’s only been over the past couple of weeks of trimming the fat of my life that I’ve realized the extent of the damage of my past actions.
It's like I turned my head and the garden that was my life became weeds. Not great news to a non gardener.
On a good note I have enjoyed rediscovering lost friendships, and am determined to do the necessary work to bring others back to life (as long as other parties are willing and welcoming). We'll see how it goes. I certainly have no right to float in and out of lives at my willing, therefore much is dependent on others and grace.
I have really enjoyed time with some acquaintances, old friends and possibly new friends as of late. I think over the past 2 weeks I've met up with at least 4 people I haven't seen since or before our party and I've been able to have good visits with them. I have a bunch more reconnections planned for this week and next and I am very much looking forward to it.
I'd love to go somewhere deep with this but I got nothin'.
Have a happy day :)
To be honest I haven't had a whole lot on my mind. (Ok so that's not entirely true but what I have on my mind I cannot blog about).
I've been trying to settle into this new 'balanced' lifestyle that I'm working on. I have to say, it's going pretty well.
I've been spending my time working, playing, resting, exerting my physical energy, talking, rekindling some friendships and trying to patch up others.
I cannot emphasize enough how much my incredibly unbalanced work life over the past 10 months has affected the rest of my life. I sort of feel like I am just noticing a tornado that whipped through and now am trying to assess the damage and figure out where to start to 'clean up'.
It, at times, has felt overwhelming. Closets over run with scrap booking supplies and pictures waiting to be creatively placed (I've realized I don't think that I even like scrapbooking just the finished product). Friends we haven't visited in over a year waiting to be seen. Other relationships that have been put on the back burner that have boiled over while waiting for attention. Then there’s my spirit that is overjoyed that I’ve allowed this miracle of time to be found.
If someone had told me a year ago that my 30 hr contract along with school and my 30 hr placement would have lead me down a wretched path of unbalanced disarray I wouldn’t have believed it. I would’ve argued that I was immune to relationship follies (especially with those closest to me), that I ‘could handle whatever comes my way’, and that ‘there’s no way I could gain 15 pounds in a few short months'.
I sacrificed everything, my body, mind and the wellness of my spirit to accomplish things.
My body, mind and spirit, I have since learned are worth far more than ‘things’.
Things being money, stuff, peoples’ opinions, earning respect, feeling needed.
It’s kind of strange. It’s only been over the past couple of weeks of trimming the fat of my life that I’ve realized the extent of the damage of my past actions.
It's like I turned my head and the garden that was my life became weeds. Not great news to a non gardener.
On a good note I have enjoyed rediscovering lost friendships, and am determined to do the necessary work to bring others back to life (as long as other parties are willing and welcoming). We'll see how it goes. I certainly have no right to float in and out of lives at my willing, therefore much is dependent on others and grace.
I have really enjoyed time with some acquaintances, old friends and possibly new friends as of late. I think over the past 2 weeks I've met up with at least 4 people I haven't seen since or before our party and I've been able to have good visits with them. I have a bunch more reconnections planned for this week and next and I am very much looking forward to it.
I'd love to go somewhere deep with this but I got nothin'.
Have a happy day :)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Funnies
This is just a little review of some funnies that have occurred lately with us...
The other night we made some 'Clean' cookies with the main ingredient being hazelnuts which needed to be toasted first. I couldn't help but giggle after I said to Wally 'Hey can you give those nuts a shake?'
I have recently decided that wearing thongs to bed just doesn't work for me. The other night I was in my pj's and said to Wally 'My thong keeps getting stuck up my butt', at which time he replied with: 'Isn't it supposed to?'. I say 'Yeah.' He then just turns his head and laughs.
Wally and I were taking the dogs for a walk the other day and Wally turned to me and said in a manly yet sassy voice: 'That's a nice piece of ass you have'. I smiled with pride.
A conversation followed the previous statement. Wally was telling me about a woman who's boss stated what a fine piece of ass she was. In short she paid him back with humiliation and quit her job. I told Wally: 'If my boss said that to me I'd turn to him, take his hand and sincerely say 'Thank you. Thank you so much. I've worked very hard for it. Thank you.''
Yesterday we were visiting friends of ours who live a fair distance away and we haven't seen in a while. The husband is a pastor. They have a little girl who's 6 years old. We were sitting in church and she was drawing on a little note pad, something small on each page. I loved her pictures so much I later asked if I could have her book and I would pay her a dollar. She looked at me with almost apologetic eyes and said 'You can have it, but you don't have to pay me.' I paid her the dollar and got the notebook just to keep with me to make me smile.
In quotes are some of the words she wrote and then an explanation of the pictures she drew ...
'God' - drawing: a stick person with long hair and a dress.
'God's first person Adam' - drawing: person with a belly and arrows pointing to it with the word belly (she later said 'He has man boobs but we won't talk about those things anymore' Ha ha ha!!!).
'God's second person ever' - drawing: same as God's first person ever only with long hair and two stick arms.
'God's laws don't touch nothing unclean' - drawing: stick man with beard with what I'm guessing was the tablet of laws (When I asked her about this she said she didn't write it word for word as she did not want to plagiarize!!! This almost killed me).
'Jesuses last diner' - drawing: a table with round dots on it (would've loved to see what a diner back then looked like, I also love how it was supposed to be the last dinner and not the last supper!)
Hope these brighten your day!
The other night we made some 'Clean' cookies with the main ingredient being hazelnuts which needed to be toasted first. I couldn't help but giggle after I said to Wally 'Hey can you give those nuts a shake?'
I have recently decided that wearing thongs to bed just doesn't work for me. The other night I was in my pj's and said to Wally 'My thong keeps getting stuck up my butt', at which time he replied with: 'Isn't it supposed to?'. I say 'Yeah.' He then just turns his head and laughs.
Wally and I were taking the dogs for a walk the other day and Wally turned to me and said in a manly yet sassy voice: 'That's a nice piece of ass you have'. I smiled with pride.
A conversation followed the previous statement. Wally was telling me about a woman who's boss stated what a fine piece of ass she was. In short she paid him back with humiliation and quit her job. I told Wally: 'If my boss said that to me I'd turn to him, take his hand and sincerely say 'Thank you. Thank you so much. I've worked very hard for it. Thank you.''
Yesterday we were visiting friends of ours who live a fair distance away and we haven't seen in a while. The husband is a pastor. They have a little girl who's 6 years old. We were sitting in church and she was drawing on a little note pad, something small on each page. I loved her pictures so much I later asked if I could have her book and I would pay her a dollar. She looked at me with almost apologetic eyes and said 'You can have it, but you don't have to pay me.' I paid her the dollar and got the notebook just to keep with me to make me smile.
In quotes are some of the words she wrote and then an explanation of the pictures she drew ...
'God' - drawing: a stick person with long hair and a dress.
'God's first person Adam' - drawing: person with a belly and arrows pointing to it with the word belly (she later said 'He has man boobs but we won't talk about those things anymore' Ha ha ha!!!).
'God's second person ever' - drawing: same as God's first person ever only with long hair and two stick arms.
'God's laws don't touch nothing unclean' - drawing: stick man with beard with what I'm guessing was the tablet of laws (When I asked her about this she said she didn't write it word for word as she did not want to plagiarize!!! This almost killed me).
'Jesuses last diner' - drawing: a table with round dots on it (would've loved to see what a diner back then looked like, I also love how it was supposed to be the last dinner and not the last supper!)
Hope these brighten your day!
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