I can't sleep so I'm going to see if I'm able to get out one of the posts I mentioned before...
Today I mentioned Wally and I had another great afternoon date. We drove an hour out of the way so that I could scratch a craving itch I was having for a great burger with everything on it and some onion rings. It was so worth the drive.
While we sat in the nearly empty dive of a restaurant we eased into some rather deep discussions about life, living, the meaning of it all and just where exactly we stood. Or didn't stand.
I feel the need to put out a disclaimer saying that I never ever intend on offending or turning anyone off by my thoughts or honesty. I am not ever really trying to win an argument or push my opinions onto anyone reading. My blog is where I throw out my thoughts in hopes that I myself can figure things out (often with the helps of your comments, often not). Just remember this.
Many of you may know that Wally and I both were raised in church and to some degree in Christian homes. We both went to church every week. We both made serious decisions in our faith early in our youth. We both were and are sincere about what we believe. But what do we believe?
Well, over the past several years what we believe has changed a lot in some ways and not at all in others. I have to note as well that I know had we not shared this faith we would not have found ourselves together as it was the primary reason we were drawn to one another.
I have to admit though now, our faith as we knew it is not the only thing that draws us together. We have actually grown to love each other as people without the same faith we used to share (but rather a new one) and have learned to like each others differences (well ... most of the time). Sometimes the drastic change in how we now live out our faith startles me and even at times gets me worried as it is so different from what we've always known or even believed to be right in the past.
When we married we both felt 'called' to full time ministry life. Meaning working for a pay check in a church or on the 'mission field' (yuck I hate that terminology!). We were honoured to serve God relentlessly in a way we thought would bring Him 'glory' by giving unlimited time, do whatever anyone in ministry asked us to do, staying completely and over the top involved in church stuff. Whether it gave us 'Wally and Eva' time or not.
We were prepared to have a family and to 'train them up the way they should go'. Which really to us meant possibly keeping them out of the public school system, keeping them loyal members of Sunday School, and teaching them all of the important parables and stories of Jesus. From what we were taught in church culture raising your children Christian was about teaching, teaching, teaching.
It was thinking about our possible future family that made me think about our old thoughts and wonder about our new ones.
What are our new ones?
I'll share on one condition: remember these are our thoughts right now, and they have come out of our personal experiences. We do our best not to compare our thoughts and ideas against those of others that may do things differently. We realize we don't have children and that things could and probably will change. We are both works in progress...
Here are some changes:
I used to think about home schooling because of the same reasons many people home school. Often a better education for your children, one-on-one time with them, you can use time to teach Bible stories and principals, more family time and well you know what they are learning. Also, many people who home school (Christians I mean), don't want their children to get mixed up in 'worldly' things or people. They feel if they keep them learning at home they are safer and perhaps more prepared to face the 'world' when there are adults.
Now: For me and Wally. We've been stretched after working with at risk youth to remember that the only way 'the world' is to be reached (and by that I mean loved) is for those who love to get out there and do it. We feel now, that (again for us) we would be able to do a better job teaching our kids to love others their own age by sending them to a public school (although I'd definitely be open to a Catholic school as I feel love could definitely be spread around there too - anywhere really). We could actually teach them practically how to be a 'light' the way we are naturally meant to be a 'light'. We both often felt sheltered by our Christianity and isolated from the world. Initially we thought that was good but once out in the big bad world had no idea how to relate to others that weren't Christians - we didn't realize the love is a universal language, Christianity as we knew it(with the: 'washed in the blood of the lamb', being 'saved' and all the other lingo) wasn't.
I could easily add that neither Wally nor I are people that could do a door to door sales pitch for our faith. We are relationship people - good or bad, that's what we are. We are touched my other's love through their actions towards us and their relationship to us 90% of the time. People's words matter maybe the other 10%. So that's why we'd go that route - and this would be good experience for us too. Those who are 'sold' by door to door sales people would likely be drawn to door to door sharing of faith. That is fine for them, whatever floats your boat. You probably just wouldn't be that convincing for us (yes, even if your were Christian).
On the school front: I also believe that as a parent, even if you send your kid to school, you are still your kid's primary teacher and you need to make that a priority.
I've asked Wally a few times in the past year or two about what we would do if we had kids about how to teach them stuff about faith, seeing as we no longer attend a church (though are connected to a home group) with anything for our kids to do.
We both still believe in the key elements of the Christian faith (though we question ourselves - I think it's mostly due to the fact that we live and think so differently than we used to and know that church types would be questioning us as well). However we aren't sure if we want to teach our children too much about the doctrine of the Christian faith. Until they perhaps ask when they are older and even then I think we'd prefer to encourage them to seek things out themselves.
For those Christian's reading that grew up in regimented Sunday School or Churches this will probably be a stretch. I'm going there anyway. Try to hear me out.
Wally and I have no issues believing in the Christian doctrine but both struggle with the fact that people through out the centuries have turned what is a most amazing love story of sacrifice and relationship into a formula. Into rules. Into ... something so far removed from the beauty (we feel) it was meant to be that the personhood of God has been lost somewhere.
We both have struggled in keeping (who we see as) God in a relationship. We've been taught so much about Him, heard so many stories of old, and be told who and what He would or should be to us, when we chose to believe, that it seemed to take all of the beauty out of meeting Him for ourselves.
I was saying to Wally today that I kind of wondered if it would be best not to overload our kids with Bible info but rather give them an incredible (yet obviously imperfect) example of what it means to love like God by how we live our lives. And when they ask why we do what we do, just give them little nibbles of who we've learned God to be to us and maybe things we've discovered in the Bible (as it does hold amazing information). But only really when they ask. Have faith, they will ask.
I said today that sometimes being told and taught so much about God in Sunday School and Church sort of ruins the surprise of meeting Him for yourself, and kind of taints your view one way or another before you get to really meet Him on your own. It's kind of like if I were to tell you all about my very best friend and said how great they were and all of the amazing things about them. I'd go on and on and likely paint them in an unrealistic light. You would meet them and agree or disagree, or think 'yeah she was dead on about that, but way off about this'. Also many Christians teach the perfect time of day to pray and do 'devotions' (I can't tell you how much I hate that term!!!), they tell you how often you should do whatever and on and on. Then comes all the formulas ... blah, blah, blah.
I don't know about you but I know that every relationship I have is different. If I measure my relationship with my husband to you and your relationship with your partner and start setting all of the rules to be the same when our lives and relationships and the people we are, are indeed so vastly differently - well, let's just say one size does not fit all. (In my opinion that is). We take the relating away and all of a sudden have made our relationship a structured plan.
(Don't get me wrong I know that sometimes we need an element of structure - ie. set a date to hang out, make a commitment to that person, etc. I'm getting at the fact that often structure turns into obligation without spontaneity ... sounds so fun eh?)
Back to the concept of revealing too much information. Not that I think God is disappointing, I don't think if we know God truly that we could ever be disappointed. But I think as humans we are unable to fathom so much about Him and just think how much inaccurate information gets passed on about it - as we are indeed human.
I also think we do a great job of sugar coating how great life is 'with Faith' or God. I kind of think of it like marriage. When someone commits to it I say to myself 'Geez, they definitely have no idea what they are getting themselves into'. I think that is a reasonable thought to have about someone entering marriage but it shouldn't be what I think when someone begins to live with faith and love in their lives. But I do because my experience has been challenging, more so within the Church setting.
I'm not saying life with faith should or shouldn't be challenging. Life period is challenging and in order to grow we have to be challenged. I just don't think that people should be ushered into it (just as in marriage) with romantic feelings of 'this is how it will be - la la la'. One way or the other.
I may be coming off as thinking that I totally know what I'm talking about, I really only know what my experience has been. And like I said before, I'm quite positive I'll have different thoughts not too far down the road.
I know this:
The further along I get in life the less I know for sure.
I believe for some reason God wanted us here and created the most amazing and beautiful place for us to live because He loves us.
I believe something got messed up along the way that wasn't in His original plan.
I believe He set the example of true love to fix whatever got messed up.
I believe He really just wants us to follow His great example of true love the best we know how until things get ironed out.
I believe all of the other details that get everyone tied up in knots are human's ways of avoiding loving each other they way they were meant to.
I don't know ... just what I'm thinking.
By the way, we still feel called to 'full time ministry'. It just has a brand new definition to us now:
Living everyday loving others, ourselves and each other the best we know how.
We're still not all that good at it, but we are admittedly both works in progress...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I met my match
I had to know it was going to happen. I just didn't think it would happen so fast.
I think this happens whenever anyone makes a big decision or discovery in their lives. The fates (whoever they are) or God or whoever gets their kicks off of watching us here on earth, send along someone to test our belief and commitment to our new found 'way of life'.
Seeing as I haven't even had a chance to get past my final long long week of work I can say that I certainly did not expect it occurring so quick. But I am glad it did.
A mere 24 hours after deciding to cut back on my work schedule I am in a kitchen of someone I was supporting with another staff. We found ourselves chatting about our schedules, a certain team we are both on and how crazy things can get doing what we do.
Our conversation meandered through our hours and losing our weekends when we started and then pretty much every day except one out of each week.
I mentioned to Toughy that I had just started take my every other weekends off and guarding them with my life. She looked at me with quizzical eyes and gave me a 'That must be nice' look, in fact she may have even said it. She followed it up by adding that she's been collecting too many hours and had to go in to ask for help from management to get rid of like 8-10 hours a weeks that she'd taken on over the max for the next few weeks.
Toughy talked about how insane life was with her new fiance and her son, and not being able to spend time with them really. As I listened and agreed with the challenge of this lifestyle I could tell she felt more able to share her frustrations with it, knowing she wasn't coming across as weak I think.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to share but I did anyway and mentioned that I had booked a week of unpaid time off in June (her super busy month) because I just needed to stop and take some time. Perhaps in the back of my mind I hoped that I could help her find some reason to see that she deserved a break, that she probably needed one and that by me saying I needed one she'd feel 'permission' to take one too.
Well, not so sure it worked. After I told her this she gave me an even more intense 'Must be nice' look. I flatly said: 'I need time. I need a break from this to live. I want a life.' We chatted a bit more about it but let the conversation go. I only had a slight pang of self condemnation but for the most part was very proud of myself. Not just for sharing what could be seen as my weakness with her, but sharing what I was going to do about, even if she saw it differently.
The more I practice this guarding of my time and my need for it the better I feel about my decision.
Now I am brought to yesterday.
I was chatting with another young staff at work while relaying shift info. She works full time at a day job and work nearly full time (or so she says) at my place of employment. There were some shift changes and since I put in an extra long day yesterday and was scheduled to work an 8 hour day and a full week, and she was going to unexpectedly lose 4 hours I offered her the last half of my shift today. She gladly took it.
I mentioned generally that I was trying to keep my hours to a certain number so that I could participate in my life. What a stupid thing to say to someone who works two full time jobs and isn't in a long term relationship.
She immediately pridefully announced that she works 36 1/2 hours at her day job and often 38 hours at this job. She mentioned that this job could be a challenge but 'Hey, we love our job right?' Of course. But I also like to live my life too, I mentioned that.
I so used to be that person. The person that took so much pride in working every waking hour, even though I was crabby and beat and drained at the end of the day.
Now I am really working on being proud of trying to be a good wife, a passionate Liver of life, a thinker, a writer, a hopefully decent friend, someone who can help out another person without getting a pay check, a growing human being. I think those are good aspirations.
I still struggle with feeling validating for taking the time, but I know that will iron itself out as I obey my limits and just let go and be who I am supposed to be. I know that if I don't I'll miss out on important relationships, incredible revelations and possibly even becoming a mother. I want those things, more than I want people to think I'm the hardest working person around.
Who knew this would be a challenge?
I'm up for it.
(I hope me talking about this issue isn't like beating a dead horse. It's something I struggle with so it's something I'll write about. Feel free to skip the boring ones!)
I think this happens whenever anyone makes a big decision or discovery in their lives. The fates (whoever they are) or God or whoever gets their kicks off of watching us here on earth, send along someone to test our belief and commitment to our new found 'way of life'.
Seeing as I haven't even had a chance to get past my final long long week of work I can say that I certainly did not expect it occurring so quick. But I am glad it did.
A mere 24 hours after deciding to cut back on my work schedule I am in a kitchen of someone I was supporting with another staff. We found ourselves chatting about our schedules, a certain team we are both on and how crazy things can get doing what we do.
Our conversation meandered through our hours and losing our weekends when we started and then pretty much every day except one out of each week.
I mentioned to Toughy that I had just started take my every other weekends off and guarding them with my life. She looked at me with quizzical eyes and gave me a 'That must be nice' look, in fact she may have even said it. She followed it up by adding that she's been collecting too many hours and had to go in to ask for help from management to get rid of like 8-10 hours a weeks that she'd taken on over the max for the next few weeks.
Toughy talked about how insane life was with her new fiance and her son, and not being able to spend time with them really. As I listened and agreed with the challenge of this lifestyle I could tell she felt more able to share her frustrations with it, knowing she wasn't coming across as weak I think.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to share but I did anyway and mentioned that I had booked a week of unpaid time off in June (her super busy month) because I just needed to stop and take some time. Perhaps in the back of my mind I hoped that I could help her find some reason to see that she deserved a break, that she probably needed one and that by me saying I needed one she'd feel 'permission' to take one too.
Well, not so sure it worked. After I told her this she gave me an even more intense 'Must be nice' look. I flatly said: 'I need time. I need a break from this to live. I want a life.' We chatted a bit more about it but let the conversation go. I only had a slight pang of self condemnation but for the most part was very proud of myself. Not just for sharing what could be seen as my weakness with her, but sharing what I was going to do about, even if she saw it differently.
The more I practice this guarding of my time and my need for it the better I feel about my decision.
Now I am brought to yesterday.
I was chatting with another young staff at work while relaying shift info. She works full time at a day job and work nearly full time (or so she says) at my place of employment. There were some shift changes and since I put in an extra long day yesterday and was scheduled to work an 8 hour day and a full week, and she was going to unexpectedly lose 4 hours I offered her the last half of my shift today. She gladly took it.
I mentioned generally that I was trying to keep my hours to a certain number so that I could participate in my life. What a stupid thing to say to someone who works two full time jobs and isn't in a long term relationship.
She immediately pridefully announced that she works 36 1/2 hours at her day job and often 38 hours at this job. She mentioned that this job could be a challenge but 'Hey, we love our job right?' Of course. But I also like to live my life too, I mentioned that.
I so used to be that person. The person that took so much pride in working every waking hour, even though I was crabby and beat and drained at the end of the day.
Now I am really working on being proud of trying to be a good wife, a passionate Liver of life, a thinker, a writer, a hopefully decent friend, someone who can help out another person without getting a pay check, a growing human being. I think those are good aspirations.
I still struggle with feeling validating for taking the time, but I know that will iron itself out as I obey my limits and just let go and be who I am supposed to be. I know that if I don't I'll miss out on important relationships, incredible revelations and possibly even becoming a mother. I want those things, more than I want people to think I'm the hardest working person around.
Who knew this would be a challenge?
I'm up for it.
(I hope me talking about this issue isn't like beating a dead horse. It's something I struggle with so it's something I'll write about. Feel free to skip the boring ones!)
I'm ba-ack
Ahhhhhhhh... feels so good.
You know what's frustrating sometimes though? The fact that I have days that give me excellent blog material but I never get the chance to sit down and write about them. That frustrates me.
But I'm here today with about 4 posts in my head and currently have no clue as to which one might come out first.
Hmmmmm... let's see.
Maybe I'll start off with some random happiness.
I committed myself to wearing a sleeveless top (or tank top) for the past three days in a row. For those of you who don't know me well, this is a big deal. I'm a rather modest dresser. I used to think it was because I was spiritual, now it's more because of low confidence. Well, I am now at least one shade darker than my regular pasty white skin colour and a tad more confident - very impressive.
I went out and bought an expensive bra yesterday. I love it and now wonder if I'll ever be able to cheap out again. (Seriously, it makes the fact that I lost 4 inches around my chest not so depressing.)
I also purchased myself some new sandals yesterday. I spent $69.99 plus tax on them. Never in my life, EVER, have I done such a thing. They have been worth every red cent. They are flip floppy and comfortable. The first pair I've never had to 'break in'!!! (NO BLISTERS!!!!) Amazing.
Yesterday an issue arose putting me in the place where I had to decide between my hours off and the person I was supporting's well being. I chose their well being instantly and was all mama bear about it. I've never felt those instincts kick in before like that (and some may say it's unprofessional for them to come out at work), but they were there. I'm no hero and I know the answer isn't always being protective but it was needed yesterday and I'm glad I did it. My 6 hours turned into 10 1/2 and I honestly didn't mind one of them. I could be a mom someday. I could. But, if I am, I better never have access to a gun because I'm afraid that if anyone tried to hurt my kid I'd shoot them.
Wally and I shared another amazing Sunday afternoon together just eatin' and chattin'. We had a great talk and really enjoyed each other. Today I liked him a lot and loved him too.
Have I mentioned that I'm retreating soon? I think I have, right? During my 10 days off I'm taking a couple of nights and actually taking off. I don't know where yet, but I am. I don't remember the last time I was alone. I told my mama tonight that I was going away or a couple of days during my little vacay. She asked 'With who?' I said 'Me'. She was ok with that, and so was I.
I miss you Bex, we need to hang out soon.
My birthday party is Friday - YAY!! I hope the 3 people that said they were coming do, but even if they don't I'm planning lots of fun! I think we'll have a good time :)
I am really thankful for Dee and his acceptance of my sense of humour. A lot.
I need to get (I mean I want to get) a pedicure so bad, but I keep putting it off.
For the first time in the 2 years since we moved I miss having our house. I'll get over it. We've stopped looking at houses as Wally and I don't agree on what our financial state should be when we buy. He's careful and responsible, I'm carefree and irresponsible. Someday we'll even it out. Hopefully before we become the appropriate age to live in Wrinkleville.
I feel so good in this moment I feel a little guilty. Damn judgment.
Friday I was wandering through the mall and bought a bunch of cards because I like sending people cards for no reason. In fact I think that's the best reason to actually buy an over priced piece of paper - I rarely do it for birthdays or appropriate occasions, but I will gladly do it for non occasions. Sometimes I'll buy a get well card for someone who's fine or a birthday card because I like it and just erase the 'get well' or 'happy birthday'. Why do we always need to follow the rules?
Tomorrow the beginning of my next 12 week challenge (for myself) begins, I am unusually excited about this. I feel like I have learned so much about myself, my health, and my thinking in the past three months that I can't wait to see what happens in the next three. I actually believe in myself and know that I will achieve all that I want and more. I've never felt that way before, it's incredible.
Today I talked on the phone with my mama for 17 minutes and 34 seconds (I think that's like a record). We had a nice little chat, and even made a date during my down time. At the end I said: 'I love you!' and she said 'I love you too'. That's a big deal. Now I want to cry. I am so grateful. Tell someone you normally wouldn't tell that you love them (well make sure it's not like the mail man - unless of course you have that kind of a thing with your mail man. In which case I'd consider getting some counseling ...)
I really love having had the chance to get to know some of you all out in reader land lately. Whether it was through an e-mail, a coffee visit, a party, or whatever. It's been such a gift to me - Thank you again for accepting my honesty.
I know these thoughts were all over the land, but sometimes random scenery is good.
This scenery was on my heart, now I hope it's on yours.
You know what's frustrating sometimes though? The fact that I have days that give me excellent blog material but I never get the chance to sit down and write about them. That frustrates me.
But I'm here today with about 4 posts in my head and currently have no clue as to which one might come out first.
Hmmmmm... let's see.
Maybe I'll start off with some random happiness.
I committed myself to wearing a sleeveless top (or tank top) for the past three days in a row. For those of you who don't know me well, this is a big deal. I'm a rather modest dresser. I used to think it was because I was spiritual, now it's more because of low confidence. Well, I am now at least one shade darker than my regular pasty white skin colour and a tad more confident - very impressive.
I went out and bought an expensive bra yesterday. I love it and now wonder if I'll ever be able to cheap out again. (Seriously, it makes the fact that I lost 4 inches around my chest not so depressing.)
I also purchased myself some new sandals yesterday. I spent $69.99 plus tax on them. Never in my life, EVER, have I done such a thing. They have been worth every red cent. They are flip floppy and comfortable. The first pair I've never had to 'break in'!!! (NO BLISTERS!!!!) Amazing.
Yesterday an issue arose putting me in the place where I had to decide between my hours off and the person I was supporting's well being. I chose their well being instantly and was all mama bear about it. I've never felt those instincts kick in before like that (and some may say it's unprofessional for them to come out at work), but they were there. I'm no hero and I know the answer isn't always being protective but it was needed yesterday and I'm glad I did it. My 6 hours turned into 10 1/2 and I honestly didn't mind one of them. I could be a mom someday. I could. But, if I am, I better never have access to a gun because I'm afraid that if anyone tried to hurt my kid I'd shoot them.
Wally and I shared another amazing Sunday afternoon together just eatin' and chattin'. We had a great talk and really enjoyed each other. Today I liked him a lot and loved him too.
Have I mentioned that I'm retreating soon? I think I have, right? During my 10 days off I'm taking a couple of nights and actually taking off. I don't know where yet, but I am. I don't remember the last time I was alone. I told my mama tonight that I was going away or a couple of days during my little vacay. She asked 'With who?' I said 'Me'. She was ok with that, and so was I.
I miss you Bex, we need to hang out soon.
My birthday party is Friday - YAY!! I hope the 3 people that said they were coming do, but even if they don't I'm planning lots of fun! I think we'll have a good time :)
I am really thankful for Dee and his acceptance of my sense of humour. A lot.
I need to get (I mean I want to get) a pedicure so bad, but I keep putting it off.
For the first time in the 2 years since we moved I miss having our house. I'll get over it. We've stopped looking at houses as Wally and I don't agree on what our financial state should be when we buy. He's careful and responsible, I'm carefree and irresponsible. Someday we'll even it out. Hopefully before we become the appropriate age to live in Wrinkleville.
I feel so good in this moment I feel a little guilty. Damn judgment.
Friday I was wandering through the mall and bought a bunch of cards because I like sending people cards for no reason. In fact I think that's the best reason to actually buy an over priced piece of paper - I rarely do it for birthdays or appropriate occasions, but I will gladly do it for non occasions. Sometimes I'll buy a get well card for someone who's fine or a birthday card because I like it and just erase the 'get well' or 'happy birthday'. Why do we always need to follow the rules?
Tomorrow the beginning of my next 12 week challenge (for myself) begins, I am unusually excited about this. I feel like I have learned so much about myself, my health, and my thinking in the past three months that I can't wait to see what happens in the next three. I actually believe in myself and know that I will achieve all that I want and more. I've never felt that way before, it's incredible.
Today I talked on the phone with my mama for 17 minutes and 34 seconds (I think that's like a record). We had a nice little chat, and even made a date during my down time. At the end I said: 'I love you!' and she said 'I love you too'. That's a big deal. Now I want to cry. I am so grateful. Tell someone you normally wouldn't tell that you love them (well make sure it's not like the mail man - unless of course you have that kind of a thing with your mail man. In which case I'd consider getting some counseling ...)
I really love having had the chance to get to know some of you all out in reader land lately. Whether it was through an e-mail, a coffee visit, a party, or whatever. It's been such a gift to me - Thank you again for accepting my honesty.
I know these thoughts were all over the land, but sometimes random scenery is good.
This scenery was on my heart, now I hope it's on yours.
Friday, May 28, 2010
A little a this, A little a that.
Some this:
I was at a nursing home the other day for work. An old couple who didn't fit into the dining room were in the common are with me and Dolly watching tv over dinner. Dr. Phil was on and he'd given a lady personal trainers, therapy and a face lift. The old lady commented on how Dr. Phil's wife looks like 'a million bucks', then followed it up with 'Well, she can look like that because she can afford all of those trainers and a little nip and tuck when she wants'.
I really wanted to slap her but stopped myself because I used to think the exact same thing (it's that judgmental issues). I now know that it doesn't matter what you have access to, you are the one that decides what you will do or not do. (I love that I have a trainer, but I had to sacrifice something else to get it - kinda like my body).
I learned today it's normal for a woman to gain 2-3 pounds of muscle during 12 weeks of training - 8 is abnormal. In this case I like being abnormal.
I am beginning to see that I CAN do this.
I bought myself a bunch of tank tops yesterday. Skimpy ones, less skimpy ones, ones you need a strapless bra for, ones that are only missing sleeves. This sweaty girl may be in love.
I no longer care about wearing low cut tops (meaning showing what's supposed to be cleavage). After my assessment I've learned that I lost 4 inches around my chest (only 3 around my hips). If you knew my body type you would understand why I can wear low cut tops now. (Hint: there's nothing to see but padding, if padding makes you happy - go right ahead).
During my workouts I am certain my death is coming soon. When they are over I never feel as though I've done enough.
I listen to music while I'm working out that completely offends me, but it has a beat to it that helps me get the job done. I'll repent ... someday.
Some that:
I'm taking baby steps in regards to my schedule (I realize I can't be fixed over night). I'm not working over 40 hrs a week in June but I am working between 35-40. It's a start, I'll get there. I will.
I feel like I'm starting to love Wally more. Some people expect that this should just be, since we're married and all. I never take having good feelings for someone for granted, especially him.
I realized this morning that I was home for over an hour and had not petted Sweet once (Sour doesn't give a rat's behind if I look at him). I saw him looking up at me with sad eyes and gave him a head rub. If it's that easy to forget about the cute beings in your life that need your love, how easy must it be to forget the ... not so cute beings that need your love.
In the past week I have realized that time for me is truly like air. I need it to live. Don't fool yourself, so do you.
When I got wrapped up into work for months I wondered to myself if I'd blogged out all of my thoughts and was all 'dried up'. In the past couple of weeks I have come to understand that without my 'time' I don't produce deeper thoughts. I just 'coast' through. Think about how many great thinkers and livers (not the organ) there are out there that don't give themselves a change to think, grow or live because they are too busy with 'life'. How incredibly sad. Make sure I get out alive!!!
I've decided that I would really like to make the invitation list for my funeral. There's absolutely no reason why there should ever be 500 people at my funeral when I can only get 3 people to come to my birthday party. (And no I'm not trying to guilt anyone, these are my thoughts and they are said with a joyful smile).
Happy Birthday to me!
:)
I was at a nursing home the other day for work. An old couple who didn't fit into the dining room were in the common are with me and Dolly watching tv over dinner. Dr. Phil was on and he'd given a lady personal trainers, therapy and a face lift. The old lady commented on how Dr. Phil's wife looks like 'a million bucks', then followed it up with 'Well, she can look like that because she can afford all of those trainers and a little nip and tuck when she wants'.
I really wanted to slap her but stopped myself because I used to think the exact same thing (it's that judgmental issues). I now know that it doesn't matter what you have access to, you are the one that decides what you will do or not do. (I love that I have a trainer, but I had to sacrifice something else to get it - kinda like my body).
I learned today it's normal for a woman to gain 2-3 pounds of muscle during 12 weeks of training - 8 is abnormal. In this case I like being abnormal.
I am beginning to see that I CAN do this.
I bought myself a bunch of tank tops yesterday. Skimpy ones, less skimpy ones, ones you need a strapless bra for, ones that are only missing sleeves. This sweaty girl may be in love.
I no longer care about wearing low cut tops (meaning showing what's supposed to be cleavage). After my assessment I've learned that I lost 4 inches around my chest (only 3 around my hips). If you knew my body type you would understand why I can wear low cut tops now. (Hint: there's nothing to see but padding, if padding makes you happy - go right ahead).
During my workouts I am certain my death is coming soon. When they are over I never feel as though I've done enough.
I listen to music while I'm working out that completely offends me, but it has a beat to it that helps me get the job done. I'll repent ... someday.
Some that:
I'm taking baby steps in regards to my schedule (I realize I can't be fixed over night). I'm not working over 40 hrs a week in June but I am working between 35-40. It's a start, I'll get there. I will.
I feel like I'm starting to love Wally more. Some people expect that this should just be, since we're married and all. I never take having good feelings for someone for granted, especially him.
I realized this morning that I was home for over an hour and had not petted Sweet once (Sour doesn't give a rat's behind if I look at him). I saw him looking up at me with sad eyes and gave him a head rub. If it's that easy to forget about the cute beings in your life that need your love, how easy must it be to forget the ... not so cute beings that need your love.
In the past week I have realized that time for me is truly like air. I need it to live. Don't fool yourself, so do you.
When I got wrapped up into work for months I wondered to myself if I'd blogged out all of my thoughts and was all 'dried up'. In the past couple of weeks I have come to understand that without my 'time' I don't produce deeper thoughts. I just 'coast' through. Think about how many great thinkers and livers (not the organ) there are out there that don't give themselves a change to think, grow or live because they are too busy with 'life'. How incredibly sad. Make sure I get out alive!!!
I've decided that I would really like to make the invitation list for my funeral. There's absolutely no reason why there should ever be 500 people at my funeral when I can only get 3 people to come to my birthday party. (And no I'm not trying to guilt anyone, these are my thoughts and they are said with a joyful smile).
Happy Birthday to me!
:)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Gym Guy and the Revealing of The Challenge
Well, today was my post 12 weeks of personal training appointment with Gym Guy (someone I'd never had the pleasure of meeting before). I was so excited. (At this point you probably don't realize I'm being sarcastic, but I am).
I had every intention in the world in skipping this lovely meeting of two separate worlds (the fitness consultant and the consulted) but Dee was rather insistent on me going to find out my results thus far (half way through my torture sessions). You see there are 12 week contests that you are signed up for and there are prizes for those who lose the most whatevers. For some silly reason Dee got it in his head that I could possibly win him something, or myself. There are all sorts of prizes.
Knowing that I hadn't put in my entire all (just perhaps say 75% of it) I knew I wouldn't get anything but I figured it may be good to see my progress. If nothing else my percentage of body fat (as that's what everyone keeps sayin' is important).
Anyhoo, I made my appointment with the Gym Guy (I got the Gym Gal for my initial fitness consultation and loved her, Wally had Gym Guy and hated him), I knew this could be fun - for one of us.
I arrived 5 minutes early to see Dee deep in concentration at the bar writing something out. I made a few jokes about it and learned he was doing up a menu for Skinny Chick. Skinny Chick was the 'Manager' who introduced us to the gym when we first inquired and gave us a tour. She weighs 135 pounds and is somewhere around my height or a tad shorter. She's sweet as pie and has a super high pleasant voice. I'm quite sure she'd allow bees to sting her, just to be nice to them.
I of course nearly fell off of my stool when he said Skinny wanted an 'eating plan', because apparently she wants a bikini body. I'm thinking 'Are you kidding me? All that will be left of her are a couple of bones and if she's lucky her liver.' Dee insisted she was not crazy, I maintained that both he and her were and I waited.
While I waited I complained about doing the consultation, about the fact he never made me a menu plan, and a bit more about having to be man handled by Gym Guy. Until Dee's gal Cherry Blaster took him away and Gym Guy appeared to whisk me off to The Room.
Dee quickly informed Gym Guy that I was too hard on myself and that I had gotten great results. When Gym Guy asked how my day was going I said it woudl be better when I left and that I was only here because Dee insisted. Gym Guy asked (rather seriously) if I was depressed. I never said ... 'ahhhhh ...'
We entered The Room, you know, where all of the magic happens. Dreams are realized, goals are achieved, people cry, thank God for the academy award ... oh wait wrong event. Anyways, we settled in and Gym Guy immediately asked me a bunch of questions like: 'What gets you excited in life? What are your goals? Has working out with your husband improved your marriage?'
I'm thinking: 'Settle down cowboy, we just met. I don't get naked on the first date.'
Instead I stood there and resisted telling him my new found passion for writing, or that I loved 'connecting with people', or that my relationship with Wally had deepened in an interesting way that I couldn't spit out in four words or less.
I thought to myself 'This guy could really use a lesson in communication foreplay if you ask me'. But no one asked so I kept that thought to myself.
While we ... sort of chatted, I stepped on the scale, off the scale, put my arms up, arms down, bent this, bent that, pulled up, yanked down and then got pinched a bunch of times in various places. It was all so fun (sarcasm fully intended).
At one point Gym Guy asked what I did for a living. I told him I worked with people with disabilities. He said: 'Do you find them really frustrating?'. I thought: 'Not nearly as frustrating as you pal.'
Another time he asked me if I knew what a certain muscle was and why it was important blah, blah, blah and I said no. He said 'It's called the thingamajigeritisofusagus muscle and it's used for scratching your head' (Ok I'm not quoting directly).
I respond with 'Oh yeah I knew that I just forgot'. I waited a good 3 seconds before saying the often unnecessary 'Just kidding'. and he said: 'Oh I thought you were being serious. (He really did). I took a deep breath in and realized what I was dealing with. Wally's assessment of him was dead on.
I continued my dry humour giving him no bone to chew the entire time. I asked a question about my blood pressure to which he replied 'Yeah it could have been up because you are anxious, or went down the stairs or you saw a hot guy or something (insert his smirk and my eye rolling)'.
He went over my results with me in full. I learned that I lost 21 pounds of fat, gained 8 pounds of muscle, lost 10% of my overall body fat. My body age before was 37 and now it's 32, another 5 years is good. I lost 22 inches over half of my body (I'm not sure what happened to the other half - they didn't measure it I guess).
So I guess that's good. Not really sure. I know I didn't do my very best, but I did it while doing life at a normal pace and don't feel like I had to live unrealistically to get this accomplished. I am very glad that we have another 12 weeks to keep seeing improvement.
He went over what a healthy weight goal would be for me right now, which helped me feel better about what I should be aiming for.
The whole process took a max of 20 minutes. Felt like longer, but I survived.
I'm wondering if now's a good time to share my new challenge with you....
Probably it is.
I am a little scared to share this. For a couple of reasons. I feel as though it will come across vain and I'm afraid I'm not ready to go for the challenge.
I don't have a time limit on my challenge really because I'm not sure how you measure mental state.
Ok so my physical challenge is: to achieve a weight of 145 pounds and/or approximately a body fat percentage of 19%.
My mental challenge is: to accept this healthy living thing. Accept myself the way that I am. Accept that I'm good enough here, just like I'll be good enough there. Accept that I can do this.
I CAN do this.
Though I know I have a lot of work to do in the gym ... and the kitchen. I know I have ten times more work to do in my head in this area of me.
Dee told me the other day that the fact that I'm intelligent makes this harder for me. He said that I am constantly looking for and trying to figure out an easier way to get results, rather than giving in and accepting the truth of what you have to do to get what you want. He said I needed to just accept the process, accept my results (be excited for them), accept this new life.
Therefore, I am going to focus on that this round about. I am not going to think that if I don't achieve everything in 12 weeks that I'm a failure - every step in the right direction is a worth while step. Instead I'm going to really focus on my thoughts and changing my attitude towards myself during this time.
Of course that doesn't negate the fact I'm going to have to haul some serious ass in the gym. Ugh.
There you go. That's my challenge.
19%
(I love that I can't get distracted by trying to measure this myself every week, because I can't. It's do the work, stay focused on what I need to do, and change my inner thoughts. I do it or I don't, no way of cheating here).
More importantly.
100% acceptance of the little girl inside who struggled with suicide when she was only 8 years old over being bullied about her weight.
That will be the real challenge.
I had every intention in the world in skipping this lovely meeting of two separate worlds (the fitness consultant and the consulted) but Dee was rather insistent on me going to find out my results thus far (half way through my torture sessions). You see there are 12 week contests that you are signed up for and there are prizes for those who lose the most whatevers. For some silly reason Dee got it in his head that I could possibly win him something, or myself. There are all sorts of prizes.
Knowing that I hadn't put in my entire all (just perhaps say 75% of it) I knew I wouldn't get anything but I figured it may be good to see my progress. If nothing else my percentage of body fat (as that's what everyone keeps sayin' is important).
Anyhoo, I made my appointment with the Gym Guy (I got the Gym Gal for my initial fitness consultation and loved her, Wally had Gym Guy and hated him), I knew this could be fun - for one of us.
I arrived 5 minutes early to see Dee deep in concentration at the bar writing something out. I made a few jokes about it and learned he was doing up a menu for Skinny Chick. Skinny Chick was the 'Manager' who introduced us to the gym when we first inquired and gave us a tour. She weighs 135 pounds and is somewhere around my height or a tad shorter. She's sweet as pie and has a super high pleasant voice. I'm quite sure she'd allow bees to sting her, just to be nice to them.
I of course nearly fell off of my stool when he said Skinny wanted an 'eating plan', because apparently she wants a bikini body. I'm thinking 'Are you kidding me? All that will be left of her are a couple of bones and if she's lucky her liver.' Dee insisted she was not crazy, I maintained that both he and her were and I waited.
While I waited I complained about doing the consultation, about the fact he never made me a menu plan, and a bit more about having to be man handled by Gym Guy. Until Dee's gal Cherry Blaster took him away and Gym Guy appeared to whisk me off to The Room.
Dee quickly informed Gym Guy that I was too hard on myself and that I had gotten great results. When Gym Guy asked how my day was going I said it woudl be better when I left and that I was only here because Dee insisted. Gym Guy asked (rather seriously) if I was depressed. I never said ... 'ahhhhh ...'
We entered The Room, you know, where all of the magic happens. Dreams are realized, goals are achieved, people cry, thank God for the academy award ... oh wait wrong event. Anyways, we settled in and Gym Guy immediately asked me a bunch of questions like: 'What gets you excited in life? What are your goals? Has working out with your husband improved your marriage?'
I'm thinking: 'Settle down cowboy, we just met. I don't get naked on the first date.'
Instead I stood there and resisted telling him my new found passion for writing, or that I loved 'connecting with people', or that my relationship with Wally had deepened in an interesting way that I couldn't spit out in four words or less.
I thought to myself 'This guy could really use a lesson in communication foreplay if you ask me'. But no one asked so I kept that thought to myself.
While we ... sort of chatted, I stepped on the scale, off the scale, put my arms up, arms down, bent this, bent that, pulled up, yanked down and then got pinched a bunch of times in various places. It was all so fun (sarcasm fully intended).
At one point Gym Guy asked what I did for a living. I told him I worked with people with disabilities. He said: 'Do you find them really frustrating?'. I thought: 'Not nearly as frustrating as you pal.'
Another time he asked me if I knew what a certain muscle was and why it was important blah, blah, blah and I said no. He said 'It's called the thingamajigeritisofusagus muscle and it's used for scratching your head' (Ok I'm not quoting directly).
I respond with 'Oh yeah I knew that I just forgot'. I waited a good 3 seconds before saying the often unnecessary 'Just kidding'. and he said: 'Oh I thought you were being serious. (He really did). I took a deep breath in and realized what I was dealing with. Wally's assessment of him was dead on.
I continued my dry humour giving him no bone to chew the entire time. I asked a question about my blood pressure to which he replied 'Yeah it could have been up because you are anxious, or went down the stairs or you saw a hot guy or something (insert his smirk and my eye rolling)'.
He went over my results with me in full. I learned that I lost 21 pounds of fat, gained 8 pounds of muscle, lost 10% of my overall body fat. My body age before was 37 and now it's 32, another 5 years is good. I lost 22 inches over half of my body (I'm not sure what happened to the other half - they didn't measure it I guess).
So I guess that's good. Not really sure. I know I didn't do my very best, but I did it while doing life at a normal pace and don't feel like I had to live unrealistically to get this accomplished. I am very glad that we have another 12 weeks to keep seeing improvement.
He went over what a healthy weight goal would be for me right now, which helped me feel better about what I should be aiming for.
The whole process took a max of 20 minutes. Felt like longer, but I survived.
I'm wondering if now's a good time to share my new challenge with you....
Probably it is.
I am a little scared to share this. For a couple of reasons. I feel as though it will come across vain and I'm afraid I'm not ready to go for the challenge.
I don't have a time limit on my challenge really because I'm not sure how you measure mental state.
Ok so my physical challenge is: to achieve a weight of 145 pounds and/or approximately a body fat percentage of 19%.
My mental challenge is: to accept this healthy living thing. Accept myself the way that I am. Accept that I'm good enough here, just like I'll be good enough there. Accept that I can do this.
I CAN do this.
Though I know I have a lot of work to do in the gym ... and the kitchen. I know I have ten times more work to do in my head in this area of me.
Dee told me the other day that the fact that I'm intelligent makes this harder for me. He said that I am constantly looking for and trying to figure out an easier way to get results, rather than giving in and accepting the truth of what you have to do to get what you want. He said I needed to just accept the process, accept my results (be excited for them), accept this new life.
Therefore, I am going to focus on that this round about. I am not going to think that if I don't achieve everything in 12 weeks that I'm a failure - every step in the right direction is a worth while step. Instead I'm going to really focus on my thoughts and changing my attitude towards myself during this time.
Of course that doesn't negate the fact I'm going to have to haul some serious ass in the gym. Ugh.
There you go. That's my challenge.
19%
(I love that I can't get distracted by trying to measure this myself every week, because I can't. It's do the work, stay focused on what I need to do, and change my inner thoughts. I do it or I don't, no way of cheating here).
More importantly.
100% acceptance of the little girl inside who struggled with suicide when she was only 8 years old over being bullied about her weight.
That will be the real challenge.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Hopefullness
I am working a 12 hour day tomorrow so I know that I will not get to blogging but I really wanted to share some good thoughts and maybe some random ones with you before Tuesday...
My little (or big) 'A-HA' moment yesterday has opened my eyes incredibly to the vast changes I need to make, along with the comments posted AND the ones sent to me via e-mail. I'm going to be working on one serious overhaul in my life.
This overhaul will include and definitely help my with my 'new challenge' that is yet to be revealed. I'm not sure that it will make the whole thing easier but perhaps more possible. That's good.
Ever since my 'revelation' I have felt as if the world is brighter and I can breathe again (well as long as I don't think about the financial loss for too long). I know it'll be worth it.
Today, even though our place was once again hit by 'Hurricane Eva' (as Wally puts it) I went back to bed around 10 am just to catch a nap. I don't remember the last time I napped (I am very good at this when given the opportunity).
When I finally got up and took a shower, I came out to Wally having done the dishes, and he was folding and putting away the laundry. (Not that he never helps out or anything but doing so without being asked on a day I needed it is nothing short of amazing - I may have caught the glimpse of a pig in the air).
Wally and I spontaneously went on a date this afternoon which though it was simple I will count as our list item and talk about it later. I will say that it was good.
Due to the holiday this weekend our poor dogs are scared senseless. Sweet literally had the poop scared out of him while on our walk!
Wally and I decided to begin looking at houses to buy, just for fun. We quickly learned why we shouldn't have done this as we found one we're in love with, but know we aren't where we want to be financially if I'm not going to be working full time. We're trying really hard to fight off the urge to be irresponsible.
I found out today that I think I may be lactose disgruntled. I ate frozen yogurt after breakfast (yeah, it was the end of the container. Well it was after I scooped it out ...). I've felt ill the rest of the day. I haven't had much dairy at all for the past 3 months. I'm not planning on having much in the next 3 after feeling nauseous all day.
Today I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long while. I plan on this week being my last 40 plus hour week for a long time. What's wrong with 30?
Nothing. I love every part of thirty. I think it's my 'lucky' number this year. Or at least it's my favourite one.
At least until I'm thirty one ... I'll try not to let that affect my work though.
:)
My little (or big) 'A-HA' moment yesterday has opened my eyes incredibly to the vast changes I need to make, along with the comments posted AND the ones sent to me via e-mail. I'm going to be working on one serious overhaul in my life.
This overhaul will include and definitely help my with my 'new challenge' that is yet to be revealed. I'm not sure that it will make the whole thing easier but perhaps more possible. That's good.
Ever since my 'revelation' I have felt as if the world is brighter and I can breathe again (well as long as I don't think about the financial loss for too long). I know it'll be worth it.
Today, even though our place was once again hit by 'Hurricane Eva' (as Wally puts it) I went back to bed around 10 am just to catch a nap. I don't remember the last time I napped (I am very good at this when given the opportunity).
When I finally got up and took a shower, I came out to Wally having done the dishes, and he was folding and putting away the laundry. (Not that he never helps out or anything but doing so without being asked on a day I needed it is nothing short of amazing - I may have caught the glimpse of a pig in the air).
Wally and I spontaneously went on a date this afternoon which though it was simple I will count as our list item and talk about it later. I will say that it was good.
Due to the holiday this weekend our poor dogs are scared senseless. Sweet literally had the poop scared out of him while on our walk!
Wally and I decided to begin looking at houses to buy, just for fun. We quickly learned why we shouldn't have done this as we found one we're in love with, but know we aren't where we want to be financially if I'm not going to be working full time. We're trying really hard to fight off the urge to be irresponsible.
I found out today that I think I may be lactose disgruntled. I ate frozen yogurt after breakfast (yeah, it was the end of the container. Well it was after I scooped it out ...). I've felt ill the rest of the day. I haven't had much dairy at all for the past 3 months. I'm not planning on having much in the next 3 after feeling nauseous all day.
Today I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long while. I plan on this week being my last 40 plus hour week for a long time. What's wrong with 30?
Nothing. I love every part of thirty. I think it's my 'lucky' number this year. Or at least it's my favourite one.
At least until I'm thirty one ... I'll try not to let that affect my work though.
:)
What was supposed to be the 'egg' post
I'm going to warn you that this post is going to be way more than just the description of the egg eating.
After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.
As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).
This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.
In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.
Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.
As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.
The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).
Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.
Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.
I was a little ticked off actually.
Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).
We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.
I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).
Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.
I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.
He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.
Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!
Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'
He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'
*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.
Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.
I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.
I feel this way because I do it to others.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!
Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.
Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.
This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.
After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.
As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).
This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.
In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.
Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.
As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.
The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).
Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.
Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.
I was a little ticked off actually.
Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).
We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.
I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).
Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.
I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.
He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.
Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!
Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'
He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'
*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.
Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.
I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.
I feel this way because I do it to others.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!
Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.
Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.
This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.
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