Some this:
I was at a nursing home the other day for work. An old couple who didn't fit into the dining room were in the common are with me and Dolly watching tv over dinner. Dr. Phil was on and he'd given a lady personal trainers, therapy and a face lift. The old lady commented on how Dr. Phil's wife looks like 'a million bucks', then followed it up with 'Well, she can look like that because she can afford all of those trainers and a little nip and tuck when she wants'.
I really wanted to slap her but stopped myself because I used to think the exact same thing (it's that judgmental issues). I now know that it doesn't matter what you have access to, you are the one that decides what you will do or not do. (I love that I have a trainer, but I had to sacrifice something else to get it - kinda like my body).
I learned today it's normal for a woman to gain 2-3 pounds of muscle during 12 weeks of training - 8 is abnormal. In this case I like being abnormal.
I am beginning to see that I CAN do this.
I bought myself a bunch of tank tops yesterday. Skimpy ones, less skimpy ones, ones you need a strapless bra for, ones that are only missing sleeves. This sweaty girl may be in love.
I no longer care about wearing low cut tops (meaning showing what's supposed to be cleavage). After my assessment I've learned that I lost 4 inches around my chest (only 3 around my hips). If you knew my body type you would understand why I can wear low cut tops now. (Hint: there's nothing to see but padding, if padding makes you happy - go right ahead).
During my workouts I am certain my death is coming soon. When they are over I never feel as though I've done enough.
I listen to music while I'm working out that completely offends me, but it has a beat to it that helps me get the job done. I'll repent ... someday.
Some that:
I'm taking baby steps in regards to my schedule (I realize I can't be fixed over night). I'm not working over 40 hrs a week in June but I am working between 35-40. It's a start, I'll get there. I will.
I feel like I'm starting to love Wally more. Some people expect that this should just be, since we're married and all. I never take having good feelings for someone for granted, especially him.
I realized this morning that I was home for over an hour and had not petted Sweet once (Sour doesn't give a rat's behind if I look at him). I saw him looking up at me with sad eyes and gave him a head rub. If it's that easy to forget about the cute beings in your life that need your love, how easy must it be to forget the ... not so cute beings that need your love.
In the past week I have realized that time for me is truly like air. I need it to live. Don't fool yourself, so do you.
When I got wrapped up into work for months I wondered to myself if I'd blogged out all of my thoughts and was all 'dried up'. In the past couple of weeks I have come to understand that without my 'time' I don't produce deeper thoughts. I just 'coast' through. Think about how many great thinkers and livers (not the organ) there are out there that don't give themselves a change to think, grow or live because they are too busy with 'life'. How incredibly sad. Make sure I get out alive!!!
I've decided that I would really like to make the invitation list for my funeral. There's absolutely no reason why there should ever be 500 people at my funeral when I can only get 3 people to come to my birthday party. (And no I'm not trying to guilt anyone, these are my thoughts and they are said with a joyful smile).
Happy Birthday to me!
:)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Gym Guy and the Revealing of The Challenge
Well, today was my post 12 weeks of personal training appointment with Gym Guy (someone I'd never had the pleasure of meeting before). I was so excited. (At this point you probably don't realize I'm being sarcastic, but I am).
I had every intention in the world in skipping this lovely meeting of two separate worlds (the fitness consultant and the consulted) but Dee was rather insistent on me going to find out my results thus far (half way through my torture sessions). You see there are 12 week contests that you are signed up for and there are prizes for those who lose the most whatevers. For some silly reason Dee got it in his head that I could possibly win him something, or myself. There are all sorts of prizes.
Knowing that I hadn't put in my entire all (just perhaps say 75% of it) I knew I wouldn't get anything but I figured it may be good to see my progress. If nothing else my percentage of body fat (as that's what everyone keeps sayin' is important).
Anyhoo, I made my appointment with the Gym Guy (I got the Gym Gal for my initial fitness consultation and loved her, Wally had Gym Guy and hated him), I knew this could be fun - for one of us.
I arrived 5 minutes early to see Dee deep in concentration at the bar writing something out. I made a few jokes about it and learned he was doing up a menu for Skinny Chick. Skinny Chick was the 'Manager' who introduced us to the gym when we first inquired and gave us a tour. She weighs 135 pounds and is somewhere around my height or a tad shorter. She's sweet as pie and has a super high pleasant voice. I'm quite sure she'd allow bees to sting her, just to be nice to them.
I of course nearly fell off of my stool when he said Skinny wanted an 'eating plan', because apparently she wants a bikini body. I'm thinking 'Are you kidding me? All that will be left of her are a couple of bones and if she's lucky her liver.' Dee insisted she was not crazy, I maintained that both he and her were and I waited.
While I waited I complained about doing the consultation, about the fact he never made me a menu plan, and a bit more about having to be man handled by Gym Guy. Until Dee's gal Cherry Blaster took him away and Gym Guy appeared to whisk me off to The Room.
Dee quickly informed Gym Guy that I was too hard on myself and that I had gotten great results. When Gym Guy asked how my day was going I said it woudl be better when I left and that I was only here because Dee insisted. Gym Guy asked (rather seriously) if I was depressed. I never said ... 'ahhhhh ...'
We entered The Room, you know, where all of the magic happens. Dreams are realized, goals are achieved, people cry, thank God for the academy award ... oh wait wrong event. Anyways, we settled in and Gym Guy immediately asked me a bunch of questions like: 'What gets you excited in life? What are your goals? Has working out with your husband improved your marriage?'
I'm thinking: 'Settle down cowboy, we just met. I don't get naked on the first date.'
Instead I stood there and resisted telling him my new found passion for writing, or that I loved 'connecting with people', or that my relationship with Wally had deepened in an interesting way that I couldn't spit out in four words or less.
I thought to myself 'This guy could really use a lesson in communication foreplay if you ask me'. But no one asked so I kept that thought to myself.
While we ... sort of chatted, I stepped on the scale, off the scale, put my arms up, arms down, bent this, bent that, pulled up, yanked down and then got pinched a bunch of times in various places. It was all so fun (sarcasm fully intended).
At one point Gym Guy asked what I did for a living. I told him I worked with people with disabilities. He said: 'Do you find them really frustrating?'. I thought: 'Not nearly as frustrating as you pal.'
Another time he asked me if I knew what a certain muscle was and why it was important blah, blah, blah and I said no. He said 'It's called the thingamajigeritisofusagus muscle and it's used for scratching your head' (Ok I'm not quoting directly).
I respond with 'Oh yeah I knew that I just forgot'. I waited a good 3 seconds before saying the often unnecessary 'Just kidding'. and he said: 'Oh I thought you were being serious. (He really did). I took a deep breath in and realized what I was dealing with. Wally's assessment of him was dead on.
I continued my dry humour giving him no bone to chew the entire time. I asked a question about my blood pressure to which he replied 'Yeah it could have been up because you are anxious, or went down the stairs or you saw a hot guy or something (insert his smirk and my eye rolling)'.
He went over my results with me in full. I learned that I lost 21 pounds of fat, gained 8 pounds of muscle, lost 10% of my overall body fat. My body age before was 37 and now it's 32, another 5 years is good. I lost 22 inches over half of my body (I'm not sure what happened to the other half - they didn't measure it I guess).
So I guess that's good. Not really sure. I know I didn't do my very best, but I did it while doing life at a normal pace and don't feel like I had to live unrealistically to get this accomplished. I am very glad that we have another 12 weeks to keep seeing improvement.
He went over what a healthy weight goal would be for me right now, which helped me feel better about what I should be aiming for.
The whole process took a max of 20 minutes. Felt like longer, but I survived.
I'm wondering if now's a good time to share my new challenge with you....
Probably it is.
I am a little scared to share this. For a couple of reasons. I feel as though it will come across vain and I'm afraid I'm not ready to go for the challenge.
I don't have a time limit on my challenge really because I'm not sure how you measure mental state.
Ok so my physical challenge is: to achieve a weight of 145 pounds and/or approximately a body fat percentage of 19%.
My mental challenge is: to accept this healthy living thing. Accept myself the way that I am. Accept that I'm good enough here, just like I'll be good enough there. Accept that I can do this.
I CAN do this.
Though I know I have a lot of work to do in the gym ... and the kitchen. I know I have ten times more work to do in my head in this area of me.
Dee told me the other day that the fact that I'm intelligent makes this harder for me. He said that I am constantly looking for and trying to figure out an easier way to get results, rather than giving in and accepting the truth of what you have to do to get what you want. He said I needed to just accept the process, accept my results (be excited for them), accept this new life.
Therefore, I am going to focus on that this round about. I am not going to think that if I don't achieve everything in 12 weeks that I'm a failure - every step in the right direction is a worth while step. Instead I'm going to really focus on my thoughts and changing my attitude towards myself during this time.
Of course that doesn't negate the fact I'm going to have to haul some serious ass in the gym. Ugh.
There you go. That's my challenge.
19%
(I love that I can't get distracted by trying to measure this myself every week, because I can't. It's do the work, stay focused on what I need to do, and change my inner thoughts. I do it or I don't, no way of cheating here).
More importantly.
100% acceptance of the little girl inside who struggled with suicide when she was only 8 years old over being bullied about her weight.
That will be the real challenge.
I had every intention in the world in skipping this lovely meeting of two separate worlds (the fitness consultant and the consulted) but Dee was rather insistent on me going to find out my results thus far (half way through my torture sessions). You see there are 12 week contests that you are signed up for and there are prizes for those who lose the most whatevers. For some silly reason Dee got it in his head that I could possibly win him something, or myself. There are all sorts of prizes.
Knowing that I hadn't put in my entire all (just perhaps say 75% of it) I knew I wouldn't get anything but I figured it may be good to see my progress. If nothing else my percentage of body fat (as that's what everyone keeps sayin' is important).
Anyhoo, I made my appointment with the Gym Guy (I got the Gym Gal for my initial fitness consultation and loved her, Wally had Gym Guy and hated him), I knew this could be fun - for one of us.
I arrived 5 minutes early to see Dee deep in concentration at the bar writing something out. I made a few jokes about it and learned he was doing up a menu for Skinny Chick. Skinny Chick was the 'Manager' who introduced us to the gym when we first inquired and gave us a tour. She weighs 135 pounds and is somewhere around my height or a tad shorter. She's sweet as pie and has a super high pleasant voice. I'm quite sure she'd allow bees to sting her, just to be nice to them.
I of course nearly fell off of my stool when he said Skinny wanted an 'eating plan', because apparently she wants a bikini body. I'm thinking 'Are you kidding me? All that will be left of her are a couple of bones and if she's lucky her liver.' Dee insisted she was not crazy, I maintained that both he and her were and I waited.
While I waited I complained about doing the consultation, about the fact he never made me a menu plan, and a bit more about having to be man handled by Gym Guy. Until Dee's gal Cherry Blaster took him away and Gym Guy appeared to whisk me off to The Room.
Dee quickly informed Gym Guy that I was too hard on myself and that I had gotten great results. When Gym Guy asked how my day was going I said it woudl be better when I left and that I was only here because Dee insisted. Gym Guy asked (rather seriously) if I was depressed. I never said ... 'ahhhhh ...'
We entered The Room, you know, where all of the magic happens. Dreams are realized, goals are achieved, people cry, thank God for the academy award ... oh wait wrong event. Anyways, we settled in and Gym Guy immediately asked me a bunch of questions like: 'What gets you excited in life? What are your goals? Has working out with your husband improved your marriage?'
I'm thinking: 'Settle down cowboy, we just met. I don't get naked on the first date.'
Instead I stood there and resisted telling him my new found passion for writing, or that I loved 'connecting with people', or that my relationship with Wally had deepened in an interesting way that I couldn't spit out in four words or less.
I thought to myself 'This guy could really use a lesson in communication foreplay if you ask me'. But no one asked so I kept that thought to myself.
While we ... sort of chatted, I stepped on the scale, off the scale, put my arms up, arms down, bent this, bent that, pulled up, yanked down and then got pinched a bunch of times in various places. It was all so fun (sarcasm fully intended).
At one point Gym Guy asked what I did for a living. I told him I worked with people with disabilities. He said: 'Do you find them really frustrating?'. I thought: 'Not nearly as frustrating as you pal.'
Another time he asked me if I knew what a certain muscle was and why it was important blah, blah, blah and I said no. He said 'It's called the thingamajigeritisofusagus muscle and it's used for scratching your head' (Ok I'm not quoting directly).
I respond with 'Oh yeah I knew that I just forgot'. I waited a good 3 seconds before saying the often unnecessary 'Just kidding'. and he said: 'Oh I thought you were being serious. (He really did). I took a deep breath in and realized what I was dealing with. Wally's assessment of him was dead on.
I continued my dry humour giving him no bone to chew the entire time. I asked a question about my blood pressure to which he replied 'Yeah it could have been up because you are anxious, or went down the stairs or you saw a hot guy or something (insert his smirk and my eye rolling)'.
He went over my results with me in full. I learned that I lost 21 pounds of fat, gained 8 pounds of muscle, lost 10% of my overall body fat. My body age before was 37 and now it's 32, another 5 years is good. I lost 22 inches over half of my body (I'm not sure what happened to the other half - they didn't measure it I guess).
So I guess that's good. Not really sure. I know I didn't do my very best, but I did it while doing life at a normal pace and don't feel like I had to live unrealistically to get this accomplished. I am very glad that we have another 12 weeks to keep seeing improvement.
He went over what a healthy weight goal would be for me right now, which helped me feel better about what I should be aiming for.
The whole process took a max of 20 minutes. Felt like longer, but I survived.
I'm wondering if now's a good time to share my new challenge with you....
Probably it is.
I am a little scared to share this. For a couple of reasons. I feel as though it will come across vain and I'm afraid I'm not ready to go for the challenge.
I don't have a time limit on my challenge really because I'm not sure how you measure mental state.
Ok so my physical challenge is: to achieve a weight of 145 pounds and/or approximately a body fat percentage of 19%.
My mental challenge is: to accept this healthy living thing. Accept myself the way that I am. Accept that I'm good enough here, just like I'll be good enough there. Accept that I can do this.
I CAN do this.
Though I know I have a lot of work to do in the gym ... and the kitchen. I know I have ten times more work to do in my head in this area of me.
Dee told me the other day that the fact that I'm intelligent makes this harder for me. He said that I am constantly looking for and trying to figure out an easier way to get results, rather than giving in and accepting the truth of what you have to do to get what you want. He said I needed to just accept the process, accept my results (be excited for them), accept this new life.
Therefore, I am going to focus on that this round about. I am not going to think that if I don't achieve everything in 12 weeks that I'm a failure - every step in the right direction is a worth while step. Instead I'm going to really focus on my thoughts and changing my attitude towards myself during this time.
Of course that doesn't negate the fact I'm going to have to haul some serious ass in the gym. Ugh.
There you go. That's my challenge.
19%
(I love that I can't get distracted by trying to measure this myself every week, because I can't. It's do the work, stay focused on what I need to do, and change my inner thoughts. I do it or I don't, no way of cheating here).
More importantly.
100% acceptance of the little girl inside who struggled with suicide when she was only 8 years old over being bullied about her weight.
That will be the real challenge.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Hopefullness
I am working a 12 hour day tomorrow so I know that I will not get to blogging but I really wanted to share some good thoughts and maybe some random ones with you before Tuesday...
My little (or big) 'A-HA' moment yesterday has opened my eyes incredibly to the vast changes I need to make, along with the comments posted AND the ones sent to me via e-mail. I'm going to be working on one serious overhaul in my life.
This overhaul will include and definitely help my with my 'new challenge' that is yet to be revealed. I'm not sure that it will make the whole thing easier but perhaps more possible. That's good.
Ever since my 'revelation' I have felt as if the world is brighter and I can breathe again (well as long as I don't think about the financial loss for too long). I know it'll be worth it.
Today, even though our place was once again hit by 'Hurricane Eva' (as Wally puts it) I went back to bed around 10 am just to catch a nap. I don't remember the last time I napped (I am very good at this when given the opportunity).
When I finally got up and took a shower, I came out to Wally having done the dishes, and he was folding and putting away the laundry. (Not that he never helps out or anything but doing so without being asked on a day I needed it is nothing short of amazing - I may have caught the glimpse of a pig in the air).
Wally and I spontaneously went on a date this afternoon which though it was simple I will count as our list item and talk about it later. I will say that it was good.
Due to the holiday this weekend our poor dogs are scared senseless. Sweet literally had the poop scared out of him while on our walk!
Wally and I decided to begin looking at houses to buy, just for fun. We quickly learned why we shouldn't have done this as we found one we're in love with, but know we aren't where we want to be financially if I'm not going to be working full time. We're trying really hard to fight off the urge to be irresponsible.
I found out today that I think I may be lactose disgruntled. I ate frozen yogurt after breakfast (yeah, it was the end of the container. Well it was after I scooped it out ...). I've felt ill the rest of the day. I haven't had much dairy at all for the past 3 months. I'm not planning on having much in the next 3 after feeling nauseous all day.
Today I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long while. I plan on this week being my last 40 plus hour week for a long time. What's wrong with 30?
Nothing. I love every part of thirty. I think it's my 'lucky' number this year. Or at least it's my favourite one.
At least until I'm thirty one ... I'll try not to let that affect my work though.
:)
My little (or big) 'A-HA' moment yesterday has opened my eyes incredibly to the vast changes I need to make, along with the comments posted AND the ones sent to me via e-mail. I'm going to be working on one serious overhaul in my life.
This overhaul will include and definitely help my with my 'new challenge' that is yet to be revealed. I'm not sure that it will make the whole thing easier but perhaps more possible. That's good.
Ever since my 'revelation' I have felt as if the world is brighter and I can breathe again (well as long as I don't think about the financial loss for too long). I know it'll be worth it.
Today, even though our place was once again hit by 'Hurricane Eva' (as Wally puts it) I went back to bed around 10 am just to catch a nap. I don't remember the last time I napped (I am very good at this when given the opportunity).
When I finally got up and took a shower, I came out to Wally having done the dishes, and he was folding and putting away the laundry. (Not that he never helps out or anything but doing so without being asked on a day I needed it is nothing short of amazing - I may have caught the glimpse of a pig in the air).
Wally and I spontaneously went on a date this afternoon which though it was simple I will count as our list item and talk about it later. I will say that it was good.
Due to the holiday this weekend our poor dogs are scared senseless. Sweet literally had the poop scared out of him while on our walk!
Wally and I decided to begin looking at houses to buy, just for fun. We quickly learned why we shouldn't have done this as we found one we're in love with, but know we aren't where we want to be financially if I'm not going to be working full time. We're trying really hard to fight off the urge to be irresponsible.
I found out today that I think I may be lactose disgruntled. I ate frozen yogurt after breakfast (yeah, it was the end of the container. Well it was after I scooped it out ...). I've felt ill the rest of the day. I haven't had much dairy at all for the past 3 months. I'm not planning on having much in the next 3 after feeling nauseous all day.
Today I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long while. I plan on this week being my last 40 plus hour week for a long time. What's wrong with 30?
Nothing. I love every part of thirty. I think it's my 'lucky' number this year. Or at least it's my favourite one.
At least until I'm thirty one ... I'll try not to let that affect my work though.
:)
What was supposed to be the 'egg' post
I'm going to warn you that this post is going to be way more than just the description of the egg eating.
After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.
As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).
This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.
In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.
Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.
As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.
The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).
Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.
Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.
I was a little ticked off actually.
Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).
We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.
I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).
Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.
I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.
He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.
Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!
Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'
He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'
*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.
Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.
I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.
I feel this way because I do it to others.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!
Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.
Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.
This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.
After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.
As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).
This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.
In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.
Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.
As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.
The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).
Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.
Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.
I was a little ticked off actually.
Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).
We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.
I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).
Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.
I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.
He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.
Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!
Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'
He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'
*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.
Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.
I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.
I feel this way because I do it to others.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!
Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.
Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.
This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
#31 -. Share my new 'challenge' with you.
Oh boy.
I really have been avoiding this one. Mostly because I feel that if I skip telling you than maybe I can get away with not really doing it.
You see with my new challenge my biggest battle is believing it's possible. In my head I know that it is possible but my heart is not yet convinced.
To many people this challenge would seem rather vain and perhaps unnecessary, for me it's about believing in myself enough to overcome the seemingly impossible. If I actually did this I do feel that my faith in myself and many other things we control in life would sky rocket.
A lesson I have really begun to learn in the past few years that I was never aware of before is that you really do hold the key to your future. You/we have so much more control over our lives than we think.
Whether it's through our thoughts, the choices we make (big or small), or in our attitudes. We, I believe, have so much to do with where we end up.
Before I get reminded about tragedy or out of control events that happen that plummet people in despair and possibly paralyze their ability to have a 'great life', I want to say respond. Obviously there are things that happen in life that can throw us completely off course. Things that mess up all of our 'plans' for happiness or fulfillment. You may say: 'Eva, don't even try and tell me I meant to bring that into my life'. I would respond with: 'Of course not!'
My point is that so many times we give up on our dreams, goals or aspirations because life has tossed us a curve ball. Maybe it's an illness, a financial burden, more responsibility that we feel that we can handle, well I could go on forever.
I truly believe we are given the desire to go after certain things for a reason. Perhaps it's to heal a wound that we have deep within, or possibly to prepare us to overcome even bigger obstacles in the future, or maybe it's just to prove to ourselves (or those around us) that when you put your mind to it you can do ANYTHING.
I believe God has created the human spirit to be able to take on so much more than we know or understand. I'm not sure if it's the culture we live in now or what but I really think that we rarely see the potential that lies within.
Don't worry. I realize as I write this I still sit at the cusp of emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue (and the plague of one serious guilt complex). I am obviously not a perfect example perhaps of this belief. I fail so very often, everyday. I'm a work in progress remember? But I think as Wally and I have begun in the past 4 years to embrace the idea of the impossible becoming possible, I've started to really see first hand how we can open ourselves up to a world of opportunity if we only believe.
Ok so my intention for this post really wasn't to become the female Tony Robbins (he's an inspirational speaker). I just wanted to remind you and probably even more so, myself, not to let go of something that may be buried deep deep inside of you (or even something that has housed itself comfortably on the tip of your thoughts for ... ever).
I have an incredible desire within me to inspire. Not necessarily to be looked up to (but I won't kid you, that feels great too), or idolized (again that doesn't feel so bad either), but rather to give hope to someone who feels hopeless. I think we all want this. The cool thing is that we each have a different gift to inspire or touch different people. Not everyone is going to hear my story and be like 'Wow! I could never have gone back to school at 28!'. Let's get real, people do it all of the time, it's not that big of a deal. But out there somewhere is someone that has been told they had to live their life a certain way, with a certain order to it. They were taught to live inside the lines and to fear change. That person may hear my story and be inspired to enter a world of possibility.
There are so many other stories out there, yours is one of them, that if shared could literally change a life, or many. However the question is have you believed in yourself or your dream enough to let it take hold of you, stretch you, to mold and shape you into what you really could be? Maybe you don't even know what a dream you have is. Explore and ask yourself what you've always wanted to do or who do you really want to become. Then ... do it.
I suppose at this point I'm expected to blurt out my #31. Timing's not quite there. I'll let you think on this post for a while. Then I'll share.
I really have been avoiding this one. Mostly because I feel that if I skip telling you than maybe I can get away with not really doing it.
You see with my new challenge my biggest battle is believing it's possible. In my head I know that it is possible but my heart is not yet convinced.
To many people this challenge would seem rather vain and perhaps unnecessary, for me it's about believing in myself enough to overcome the seemingly impossible. If I actually did this I do feel that my faith in myself and many other things we control in life would sky rocket.
A lesson I have really begun to learn in the past few years that I was never aware of before is that you really do hold the key to your future. You/we have so much more control over our lives than we think.
Whether it's through our thoughts, the choices we make (big or small), or in our attitudes. We, I believe, have so much to do with where we end up.
Before I get reminded about tragedy or out of control events that happen that plummet people in despair and possibly paralyze their ability to have a 'great life', I want to say respond. Obviously there are things that happen in life that can throw us completely off course. Things that mess up all of our 'plans' for happiness or fulfillment. You may say: 'Eva, don't even try and tell me I meant to bring that into my life'. I would respond with: 'Of course not!'
My point is that so many times we give up on our dreams, goals or aspirations because life has tossed us a curve ball. Maybe it's an illness, a financial burden, more responsibility that we feel that we can handle, well I could go on forever.
I truly believe we are given the desire to go after certain things for a reason. Perhaps it's to heal a wound that we have deep within, or possibly to prepare us to overcome even bigger obstacles in the future, or maybe it's just to prove to ourselves (or those around us) that when you put your mind to it you can do ANYTHING.
I believe God has created the human spirit to be able to take on so much more than we know or understand. I'm not sure if it's the culture we live in now or what but I really think that we rarely see the potential that lies within.
Don't worry. I realize as I write this I still sit at the cusp of emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue (and the plague of one serious guilt complex). I am obviously not a perfect example perhaps of this belief. I fail so very often, everyday. I'm a work in progress remember? But I think as Wally and I have begun in the past 4 years to embrace the idea of the impossible becoming possible, I've started to really see first hand how we can open ourselves up to a world of opportunity if we only believe.
Ok so my intention for this post really wasn't to become the female Tony Robbins (he's an inspirational speaker). I just wanted to remind you and probably even more so, myself, not to let go of something that may be buried deep deep inside of you (or even something that has housed itself comfortably on the tip of your thoughts for ... ever).
I have an incredible desire within me to inspire. Not necessarily to be looked up to (but I won't kid you, that feels great too), or idolized (again that doesn't feel so bad either), but rather to give hope to someone who feels hopeless. I think we all want this. The cool thing is that we each have a different gift to inspire or touch different people. Not everyone is going to hear my story and be like 'Wow! I could never have gone back to school at 28!'. Let's get real, people do it all of the time, it's not that big of a deal. But out there somewhere is someone that has been told they had to live their life a certain way, with a certain order to it. They were taught to live inside the lines and to fear change. That person may hear my story and be inspired to enter a world of possibility.
There are so many other stories out there, yours is one of them, that if shared could literally change a life, or many. However the question is have you believed in yourself or your dream enough to let it take hold of you, stretch you, to mold and shape you into what you really could be? Maybe you don't even know what a dream you have is. Explore and ask yourself what you've always wanted to do or who do you really want to become. Then ... do it.
I suppose at this point I'm expected to blurt out my #31. Timing's not quite there. I'll let you think on this post for a while. Then I'll share.
Friday, May 21, 2010
#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me
This is your chance.
As I mentioned before, I will only answer questions that will not invade another person's privacy. Feel free to ask whatever you want and I'll use my discernment.
Don't be shy. I'm a pretty open book.
As I mentioned before, I will only answer questions that will not invade another person's privacy. Feel free to ask whatever you want and I'll use my discernment.
Don't be shy. I'm a pretty open book.
Revealing #36-40
Yeah so I haven't told you what I've planned for each of my last 5 items on my list. Probably because I don't know what they should be.
I'm going to start naming them off and see if I get inspired as I list ...
#36 - Have my first poached egg (I am doing this tomorrow!!)
#37 - Workout on my own at the gym doing weight training (I go all the time doing cardio but am super intimidated to do it by myself)
#38 - Decide what I am planning regarding my blog on doing after this list is complete
#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me ... no matter what they are (providing they don't invade anyone else's privacy).
#40 - I will leave to a vote ...
A) Go camping
B) Cook an authentic Chinese meal
C) Let my hair dresser do whatever she wants to my hair
Also mentioned in one of the comments left was to try growing an herb garden. I think I may be up for this next time, it would definitely be interesting for this non-green thumbed gal.
I wanted to admit something while I'm here.
Do to my recent .... hmmmmm ... how do i put this? Burn out, mental breakdown (that seems a tad strong), or whatever you want to call it. I am quite sure I won't be completing my 40 things within the 40 days.
I am a bit disappointed in myself for not staying on top of this however I know that you can't, nor should you try to, duplicate a past experience. So, I won't. The purpose overall is to step out of my 'box' and try new things, understand new people and hopefully gain more perspective, not necessarily run a race.
The reason I like deadlines for this stuff is because they make things easier to measure in a sense. They keep you accountable and a bit more focused. I already see the difference in how I approached my last adventure as opposed to this one.
No fears though. I am determined to try everything mentioned and still learn a whole bunch along the way. I do hope to check my schedule and become more diligent about completing my tasks at hand, while enjoying them all the same :)
I have lots to get to I hope you stay with me!
Cheers!
Eva :)
P.S. Don't for get to vote!
I'm going to start naming them off and see if I get inspired as I list ...
#36 - Have my first poached egg (I am doing this tomorrow!!)
#37 - Workout on my own at the gym doing weight training (I go all the time doing cardio but am super intimidated to do it by myself)
#38 - Decide what I am planning regarding my blog on doing after this list is complete
#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me ... no matter what they are (providing they don't invade anyone else's privacy).
#40 - I will leave to a vote ...
A) Go camping
B) Cook an authentic Chinese meal
C) Let my hair dresser do whatever she wants to my hair
Also mentioned in one of the comments left was to try growing an herb garden. I think I may be up for this next time, it would definitely be interesting for this non-green thumbed gal.
I wanted to admit something while I'm here.
Do to my recent .... hmmmmm ... how do i put this? Burn out, mental breakdown (that seems a tad strong), or whatever you want to call it. I am quite sure I won't be completing my 40 things within the 40 days.
I am a bit disappointed in myself for not staying on top of this however I know that you can't, nor should you try to, duplicate a past experience. So, I won't. The purpose overall is to step out of my 'box' and try new things, understand new people and hopefully gain more perspective, not necessarily run a race.
The reason I like deadlines for this stuff is because they make things easier to measure in a sense. They keep you accountable and a bit more focused. I already see the difference in how I approached my last adventure as opposed to this one.
No fears though. I am determined to try everything mentioned and still learn a whole bunch along the way. I do hope to check my schedule and become more diligent about completing my tasks at hand, while enjoying them all the same :)
I have lots to get to I hope you stay with me!
Cheers!
Eva :)
P.S. Don't for get to vote!
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