#5 - Meet up with an old high school friend I haven't chatted with in years

As I mentioned before this was sort of already planned but I thought it might be something fun to write about and reflect upon.

I'm not sure how many of you all stay in contact with those you went to primary or high school with. I know since the development of facebook people have definitely gotten more connected. I'll admit I reconnected with this friend originally on facebook but only on a very surface level.

We met in grade 9 and quickly found ourselves in the same group of friends. We hung out in our group at lunch, for after school stuff, you know the way teenagers do. I was never really close with Sasha, we were more friends by association, however we did like eachother very much (at least I liked her).

Since I stayed in our home town for years after high school I was still connected with her family somewhat. Wally mentored her little brother a bit and I ran into her parents and sometimes even her every now and then. We'd chat a bit. Catch up on weddings, babies and jobs. That was about it.

Until she found my blog.

From what I remember from her e-mail she was kinda just browsing through a mutual friend's blog list and mine was there. She did a bit of reading before she realized the 'anonymous' blogger was me. Apparently she read through the entire thing and finally, after receiving a party invite, contacted me to tell me she'd been reading for a while. She didn't want to tell me in fear I'd feel obligated to invite her to the party. Lucky her she was invited anyway!

I remember reading her e-mail explaining how she felt like she knew me more now (after reading the blog) than she ever had before. She went on to say through reading my blog she understood much better why Wally and I didn't have kids (she even apologized for judging - pffst ... like she had to do that!). Sasha said she felt that through reading my thoughts she learned more about herself and was able to really think about some stuff.

That e-mail meant so much to me. So much.

Sasha was excited for the invite to the party and though circumstances did not allow for her to be there instead we made a date to catch up. See my party was about so much more than a party.

I guarded May 17th with my life and made the hour and a half drive down (or up I'm not certain) the highway to see her and meet her 2 kiddos.

I have to share that just as much of this challenge was driving to see my friend. I'm not a veteran highway driver my any means. I don't mind using it at all really, the challenges for me are all of the cut offs, ramps and basically the directions. Have I mentioned how bad I am with directions?

The drive was going well until I got to my first real 'stay left'. the problem was the GPS chick informed me of 'staying left' about 5 seconds AFTER I veered right. Bitch. It's like she was toying with my insecurities.

So I let out an expletive and followed some signs that appeared hopeful to take me where I needed to return to. They were clearly playing with my lack of directive abilities as well as they completely lied.

I listened to the ... lady for a while until I saw a sign that I thought I could trust and I soon found myself back where I was supposed to be. Phew!!

I arrived about a 1/2 hour later than planned, which for me now a days was right on time.

I knocked on the door and soon tip toed in the house to be greeted by Sasha and her very adorable baby Jakey. Wally would've loved him.

Once organizing babyness we sat and streamed easily into a comfortable conversation. We talked about so and so from high school, what's her face, and what's his name. Caught up on who was where and doing what with whom. We talked about our families a bit and hit on the in law situation (a hot topic for almost every married woman).

We even got to go a little deeper with things. Talking about challenges in marriage, having kids, not having kids. Just life.

You know what I loved? That it felt like we were close friends of old. Really we weren't that close before. It felt like no time had passed. Ten years had passed. It felt so ... comfortable.

Having gone back to school after nearly ten years of being out. Then starting a couple of new jobs after never entering a 'real' job type atmosphere. I have really gotten used to uncomfortable conversation. You know that rigid, surfacey, distant conversation that you do because that's what you do.

Obviously you can't expect to jump into personal stuff with strangers but once in a while you get lucky and you can be yourself and understood from step one. That is awesome.

I'm gonna guess that the fact that Sasha read my blog already and pretty much had a giant window into my thoughts and heart helped our time be more relaxed and easy. However it was more than that. It was that Sasha not only peaked through he window to my soul, but accepted it and decided to engage.

She didn't have to. She could easily have decided to mark me as a useless, misunderstood non kid person who knows nothing about anything. (I'll be honest if I had kids that's what I would think, because come on, really, how can someone lacking that huge responsibility know about ... well ... anything. I'm not kidding that's what I would think).

Sasha and I visited for almost three and half hours before I needed to head home. I got to meet her older kiddo too, who reminded me of a precious moments figurine - so cute.

I have so much more to share about my observations on motherhood after my visit with Sasha but I'll save them for a collectively thoughtful post.

My visit with my old high school friend was awesome. It was worth the 3 hours in the car, 2 traffic jams, 1 serious bout with construction and my interesting detour.

What did I learn?

If you open yourself up to it life can bring you many unexpected friends. Often we look at someone who was a friend in a certain way and never see them any other way but sometimes when time passes, people grow and change and you just never know who might be brought back into your life. It's really very cool.

In the past year (well probably way longer) I have been pursuing an honest life, to be my most honest self. Through that I have opened myself up to rejection, misunderstanding, judgment and people just not liking me. I haven't always been tactful, kind or thoughtful in how I present my 'true self' and let's be honest I'm not sure if it's possible or healthy to be your truest self to everyone.

I have questioned myself several times when I've allowed people inside my deepest thoughts and musings, wondering if it is wise. But if I'm going to be honest about who I am it's just got to happen.

By letting people in, like Sasha (and many of you), I have reaped the rewards of unexpected 'connections'. I am fascinated by this, by you. I am fascinated that one person could experience something that so many others can identify with even though they have not gone through it exactly. And I find it amazing that we can often feel so disconnected in this world full of billions of people.

That's why I think it's so important to be brutally honest. We think we are alone, but we're not. When we aren't connected to others we easily begin to feel sorry for ourselves, we lose perspective and we fall into despair. But if we can only be honest about things we could maybe, just maybe hold on to a little something, a little someone that might be able to help up back to reality (what ever the hell that is).

I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you, I'm really just rambling.

Bottom line = sometimes being honest about who you are and sharing it with others hurts, but sometimes it's the best gift you could receive.

Updates on #3 & #6

3. Eat with only chopsticks for one month (like the month of May)

Ok so I have been using chopsticks now for 17 days. I will say that I've forgotten to take them out with me (do to a lack of dish washing) maybe 3 times. Of course there are some meals you would not need chopsticks for. Example: a sandwich or sub, soup, and I have opted out of using them for yogurt (as I do have to work and live and stuff). I have decided to use them for my cottage cheese and have had no issues with this.

Overall I have actually loved this challenge. I still have meals when I just don't seem to have the knack and I get frustrated and want to spear them through the food or skip eating all together (or the obvious option - break them into bitty pieces). But for the most part I love them. I definitely slow down while eating (especially in the case of eating peas or brown rice), but there's something about using them that makes the food taste better. I don't know what it is but I like it.

I do still need to attack the noodles though, as they aren't really in our diet right now. I saw a lady eating some Thai noodle dish at the mall the other day and I was embarrassed for her in regards to her chopstick noodle eating skills. She looked like a barbarian. No judgment though.

I will press on and continue to perfect the art of eating with these long thin objects. I told Wally tonight that I thought that I would continue to use them even after my month is up. I guess we'll see. I think at the end of my forty days I should go out for Thai and get something with noodles just for fun.

Well ... maybe I'll order in.


6. 40 days (which I hope to turn into a lifetime) of super clean eating.

Yeah, so I haven't been perfect at the super clean eating thing but overall have done well. I've joked that flavoured rice cakes and chocolate protein shakes have become my binge foods. Never thought that would happen.

I have actually only really 'fallen off the wagon' once. It was last week during my serious case of the 'sads' and I actually went and bought a dozen bakery cookies at the grocery store and brought them home with me to melt my sorrows.

It was the first time in probably two and a half months, as Wally and I have been eating really well since we started training. That in itself is AMAZING for me. I used to binge (and I do mean binge, not merely enjoy) every single day on something sweet.

Anyways, I brought my cookies home and nestled into the couch before having to go back to work. I looked at them. Smelled them. Touched them. Then finally ate them. 1. 2. 3. 4. Then I decided that I was making a mistake - a huge mistake. I quickly crumbled the other 8 cookies into the garbage to be touched by all the grossities that lived there. (Yes, I had to do this because if I'd left them in the package I would have gone back and fished them off later and enjoyed every one. I am that sick).

For once rather than feeling guilty I felt proud of myself. Because a few months ago I would've told the little voice in my head to shut up (or other things) and I would've forged on with the gorging. It would not have been a big deal for me to have eaten 8 or 10, heck maybe even all twelve in one sitting - or at least during the evening.

Of course when I confessed to Dee the next day he was not so excited about my 'overcoming' of anything. He was mad. We started our time together with 100 jump squats on a very low lying bench, with weights. Which indeed took forever.

He followed it up by saying 'Now we'll start your workout' (rather sternly might I add).

That hour was the quietest I've ever been in a very long time, as obviously the silent treatment was in order for Dee. I refused to speak to him or let him 'analyze' me as he asked why I ate the cookies and if they helped me feel better. He continued to go on about him caring about my progress and blah, blah, blah. However I was a mess inside (as I was plagued with the 'sads'). I refused to talk to him and be at risk of letting the dam break. I knew that if I started to talk I'd burst into weeping tears and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction (however I so wanted to cry and just let it out).

I have since texted him and all is fine, however I know a serious talk is in order for us come Wednesday when I see him. I know he does care and it's only fair that I do my part to do my best. Sometimes I hate that.

So, though perfection is yet to find me I will keep trying to do my best. I continue to examine and re-examine what my long term goals are in this area of my life. But I'll have more on that later.

I still have lots more to update on but I think I will have to call it a night.

Hopefully more tomorrow!

Where to start ... ?

Wow. I don't even know where to start.

Seriously. Where?

I have completed a few more numbers on my list and look forward to writing about them this week. I also want to give an update on a couple of the ongoing numbers, and I will but I feel like I have a whole other conversation to have first.

Only thing is ... I don't know where to start.

Maybe I'll pick up where I was last week with my case of the 'sads'. First of all I want to say thank you for the encouraging comments left. They really did help me think and scrap my way through. Actually I need to be honest here. I'm not really through with the 'sads' but I'm at least squirming my way .... well somewhere. Hopefully somewhere else.

I am just beginning to realize and recognize my need for time. Time for me. Time to think. Time to breathe. Time to do what makes me feel 'alive'.

One of my bloggowers had a fantastic quote in their stati the other day that was a great reminder: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive" - Howard Thurman.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings regarding me and time.

First of all there's my guilt complex. Guilt is my biggest enemy and it is so very good at it's job. Guilt makes me think I need to work the maximum hours allowed at work. Guilt makes me believe I have to make as much money as possible. Guilt makes me think that taking time to think and recover is selfish and a waste of time.

I hate Guilt.

Wally hates Guilt.

I'm glad we both feel the same way about my Guilt.

I never really recognized my incredible battle before now. I mean, when we got married I worked and we had a pretty equal income. Then Wally became unemployed for a while, had jobs that didn't pay that well and then was off to school. All of these things left me feeling the need to provide and make sure we had everything we needed.

The thing is that the plan was for me to do that for a while, until Wally had a decent job, so that I could then raise our family, because that's what I always dreamed of.

Well, Wally has a decent job with definite potential for a comfortable income (all things being relative to our old life). He loves what he is doing, which is the sole reason I pushed him so hard to go to school. I wanted him happy. Mostly 'cause I'm selfish and I wanted me happy.

There's been a snag.

While waiting 9 excruciatingly long years to start a family, I learned how to be happy where ever I was.

That's a blessing really. A huge incredible lesson. A gift.

BUT. Now that it's time for the 'family thing' I'm eager to do other things. To explore more education. To fulfill life long fitness goals. To be creative at my job and bring something new to the table.

I've also begun to dream about writing. I don't even know why, it's not like I have anything to write about. But I like it. I feel connected to others through it. I learn from other people's perspectives. I get to meet new and interesting people. I LOVE that.

I still think of being a mom. Mostly because I think there would be great writing material with it. But then again, mom's don't have time to write.

Wally is finally thinking of having a family. I'm about ready to kill him. As I have reminded him that I hounded for a near decade about it and now that I'm on to other things he's ready. (Seriously, he melts at the sight of a newborn and then starts to campaign with baby noises).

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know...

I was at a baby shower yesterday for my friend whom I wrote about a couple of months ago. I've decided that baby showers are going on my list of most unenjoyable events there are. At least the traditional ones.

You sit in a circle, as if at a seance (sp?), watching the mommy open up baby gifts ('Surprise!!! It's a sleeper!! Oh wow!!' - Actually I got a singing potty for her. It was on the registry. I need to do a whole other post on registries). During this time there is the passing of the baby, who is clearly on a mission to make every childless woman feel one of three things: deep longing to have her own - 'Awwww, I want one!', sincere embarrassment over the fact she has no idea what to do - 'Crap! Where does the head go?', or complete guilt over the fact she doesn't care two hoots about the kid 'Yeah, you're sleeping now, but I know what you do at 3am'.

Then you play ridiculous games and eat iffy food. (I actually won the 'draw a baby on a paper plate while it's on your head and you can't see it' game, oh yeah best baby drawing out of the 30 that were there - Booyah!).

I told Wally yesterday that if or when we ever have a living creature of the child-type persuasion join our home there will be no traditional showers filled with women sharing stories of leaky body parts. There'll be a ...party. 'nough said.

Anyhoo, where to end?

I'm sorting through some stuff in my head. Trying desperately to prioritize my life, my goals and myself. Feeling guilt over the fact that I'm burnt out after only a year in a new field. Even more guilt that I could even say I'm burnt out and have no children yet (I guess I figure children are a pretty good excuse for burn out). And perhaps a tad more guilt for not being brave enough to go after the reason I think one should feel justified for being burnt out.

Yeah. Clearly I've only started sorting the 'laundry' in my head. Oh well, at least I've started.

By the way, I'm actually considering going to 'talk to someone' about my laundry.

Well ... only the clean stuff.

To my amazing bloggowers

I am going to write again this week.

I am very excited.

Can I just say how much I appreciate your comments. Thank you for the encouragement and fun. I enjoy it very much!

Thank you :)

#10 - Go out for coffee with my laughs-alot-aunt

Well, I did it. Another number bites the dust.

Amazing how when you much something on a 'list' to do, it can actually get done (oh and the being accountable to several people at the same time helps too).

I called my laughs-a-lot-aunt out of the blue last week and left a message to see if she'd want to catch up. Sure enough she was in, laughs and all. She mentioned on the phone (well, kind of asked) if I'd mind if kissy-kissy-uncle came too. I said 'Sure if he wants to'.

I like kissy-kissy-uncle but admittedly was a little disappointed. For some reason I want every encounter I have to be deep, honest and real. Well, unless I'm not in the mood that day, then I don't. My ever changing emotions make things hard to plan for.

We left it so that he might come or he might not. I was a little surprised today when they walked in together, laughs and kisses to boot.

It seemed kinda weird in one way that it was the three of us. Not because it was at all awkward (how could it be with laughs and kisses?)

We kissed, and laughed and of course chatted. Just about this and that. Some more of this and that. We ate our chicken, shared some memories of funny things that had happened, and talked about relatives that none of us liked, then made fun of other ones (cause that's what you do when you get together with family).

It was actually nice. I really don't have a lot to add to this one. Nothing came out like when I had breakfast with my brother last summer. No huge secrets revealed. Really it was just catching up and laughing (oh and some kissing too).

I put this item on my list because I have (or had) three aunts. All of which I have been privileged to be fairly close with. Yet all in different ways. But for some reason in life it's so easy to let time pass and you forget those relationships and if you don't make an effort you waste a perfectly good connection.

Laughs-a-lot-aunt is my dad's only sister, the youngest of 6 (yes that means she had 5 older brothers!). She's experienced an incredible amount of pain in her life, incredible. I think (actually I know) she laughs a lot instead of crying a lot. I think in that way I am a lot like her.

My mama cries at the drop of a hat. Marshmallow (my brother) does too. I only do in secret (or at least I try real hard to keep it that way). I made jokes during awkward silences just like my dad. This gets us into trouble sometimes.

I was kinda glad today was a fluffy visit. Sometimes you need fluffy. Sometimes fluffy is essential. I appreciated fluffy this time.

Fluffy is good when you are a little bit fragile and need a little bit of care.

I think I needed fluffy today.

I really want to go home and cover myself in my duvet. But I can't.

I'm writing this at my Mama and Pops' place. They aren't here. And I'll be honest: they have 45 remotes for the tv and I can't figure out how to turn the friggin' thing on. So I'm writing instead.

...and they have cable too :(

:)

Bad case of the 'Sads'

I'm tired. Exhaustified.

I feel like I have no reason to be but I am. Wally would laugh at that and say I was being ridiculous and that I have every right to say that I am but I'm not sure. I see everyone at work and they seem so fine. I feel like I'm lagging around like a puppy dog missing two legs.

I want to write about my adventure but ... I'm too tired.

I can and will tell you that I have had a serious case of the 'sads'. Meaning I've been very sad the past couple of days.

Today I wondered if I should just quit everything. Quit my health goal (which I have yet to share). Quit working (um ... yeah .... cause I'd do so great as a depressed bum). Quit thinking about getting my degree (more on that later). Quit trying to live differently (it's seems like such a challenge and sometimes I wonder if it's pointless). I've also thought of quitting my 40 day adventure #2 (*sigh*).

Wally has asked me to slow down at times as I always seem to have some 'great idea' on the horizon that I need to try. To be honest this whole way of living is absolutely exhausting to me (yes I know I've said that too many times already, but it's true).

I've had another good friend that I respect tell me I just need some time to slow down and think. To take time to be alone, meditate, pray, be with God. I think he's right, but I don't know how anymore. Slowing down isn't taught in school. I don't think it would matter if it was because keeping up seems to be the general theme of life, at least in North America.

Then I look ahead to the next month in a job where I pretty much live on the faith of others needing my help whenever, and I wonder if I'll get enough work. I know I don't need to worry about this. I learned this forever ago in life. But I think about it. I'm human.

Oh I'm rambling. Sorry. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now.

Do any of you get a case of the 'sads'? Do you ever want to give up?

I know deep down I can't. I won't. I just need to refocus. But sometimes the 'sads' are like a bad cold - very difficult to get rid of.

I have been thinking about finally throwing myself a 30th birthday party. I thought I'd call it my 'Thirty and still Flirty' Party. Admission would be a fun thong in my size (or hey a skanky outfit would do) and in return I would feed party goers some expensive Marble Slab ice cream cake (remember that's on my list).

Still thinking about this. I'm usually not the type to care if 1 person out of the 30 invited came. But after my post big party blues I don't know if I'm up for any more post party let downs.

We'll see. I anticipate fighting off the 'sads' within the next 24 hours. I find my mind the hardest thing in the world to fight against. But. I will. And I am determined to win.

Even if I lose a few fights in the process.

No Go

Yesterday was so traumatizing I can't possibly write today.