So it's 5:30am on a Monday morning in which I will soon begin my day.
It's a different day in my work world as I am working during the day today and home this evening (miraculous!!)
I am only up because I have a pooch that is not feeling well and I am doing my best to keep him from giving me proof on the carpet. Not my favourite activity.
It's at this point I briefly contemplate calling in for work to be with him but realize that might be a tad on the crazy side since he's probably ok.
sO I sit here and think ...
It's been in the past couple of weeks I have come to a serious conclusion: I am too busy to think.
Not in an 'I'm too busy to think because I am soooo important and have way better things to do' way. More in an 'it's March already!! I haven't made time to do all of those things I meant to do this year yet!' way.
I am beginning to realize that I am totally letting my job and financial goals overcome everything else that's important in my life. (And by the way getting so busy that I am neglecting any sort of good budgeting which would make those financial goals see any light of day).
This is really hard for me. I am a very focused person. I see a goal and I go for it. If I want to 'experience life', I devote time to 'experiencing life'. If I want to travel, I travel (ok so I haven't done a lot of this at all but when I do it's takes focus for me to accomplish it, since it doesn't come natural to me). If I want to truly get healthy, I truly get healthy (again not something I've experienced but there is more to tell you regarding this later). If I want to try 40 things in 40 days I do my best to try forty things in forty days.
My main goal in life is to live. Live with passion. Live with fire. Live with gusto. After my experiment last year the biggest thing that I learned while trying loads of new things, whether it was a new food, or going to a new religious experience, I learned that relationships were the most important thing in life. At least in my unprofessional opinion.
Now as I look back on my last 6 months of life I am realizing I have slid back in time to my old, old ways of doing things. My bad habit of saying 'yes' to everyone (only regarding my work). My focus lately had been entirely work related. Why? Well when I started my new job I was told 'Permanent schedules come faster to those who accept shifts quicker'.
I took that to heart and have worked no less that 43 hours every week (you are only allowed to work 44 awake hours a week) plus 2-3 overnight shifts a week (your are only supposed to work 2 a week) the past few weeks.
Initially I was very proud of this accomplishment. I was working hard, doing my part to get a permanent schedule that I could count on (mostly because if I had a permanent schedule I wouldn't be obligated to take everyone else's stray shifts).
A couple of weeks ago I had a great conversation with another co worker I had just met. She works approximately 15 hours a week, give or take. She's been with the agency for years but she's still not much older than myself. She's a liver, like me (or like I was). I liked her immediately after a few sentences were exchanged. I knew she'd 'get' what I talked about when we chatted about our lives.
She told me not to burn myself out with work there. That they would take me for all I had. She didn't said it was a terrible agency or anything but that if I was willing to be worn out that would happen. Right now I am definitely letting that happen. all for the sake of money really. Well, that and a good reputation at work.
*Sigh*
So now I'm in an interesting position. One I didn't think I would be put in again. I'm in the class of life called 'Saying NO 101'. You see I did pass this class at one point in my life, when I had realized that I just needed to trust God would give me all I needed and then some if I wold just sit back and let him. It didn't mean being lazy, I just meant letting go of my own ego fulfilling desires and trusting that by doing so He would fill the other voids in life.
I remember when I passed the class before I was able to say no without guilt because I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I knew that by doing so I would be taken care of in an area of my life that I needed something other than the high of saying 'yes'. It was a wonderful class that I learned so much in. I feel it grew wisdom within me. Somewhere along the line I think the wisdom took a hike, or perhaps I sent it on a vacay.
It's funny I've been thinking about this struggle of mine for the past several weeks. Too scared to admit it or bring it up because I knew it meant that I would have to deal with it if I 'talked' about it. Well I've talked about it. To to fix it.
*Sigh*
I'm going to think some more on this and see where it takes me.
Hopefully somewhere great.
