That's what I feel like I'm trying to do.
In so many ways. In the realm of work - starting a new career (or field of work). In life, figuring out what to do next in this 'stage' of things. In my marriage, getting used to a new 'normal' with our new jobs, new potential church (after not being a part for one years). In my continuing pursuit for health as I ... mature :)
I honestly had no idea that coming out of school would be such an adjustment. Really, who knew?
Today I woke up and realized I actually would get most of the day time to myself before heading off to work at 4pm. I was excited. That soon fizzled out after I had gotten caught up going through papers and files trying to 'organize' myself but then quickly realizing (as I was running the water for my shower) that they were shutting off the hot water at 9am. It was 9:30am. Rats!
Of course this happened after I also realized that the stew I had eaten for super last night was indeed the culprit for Wally's violently ill spell earlier in the week. (The one in which he called me at 5am at work while I was doing a 10 hour night awake shift, telling me I had to come home that instant to take him to the hospital. Clearly I could not just leave 3 men who could not be left unsupervised to do this at the drop of a hat. I called tele-health instead, waited on hold for 15 minutes and learned no more than I knew before).
I wasn't ill like Wally because as I always say "I have guts of steel". (Although he lost like 7 1/2 pounds, sometimes I wish I weren't so steely).
I then had to 'rinse' my head in cold water in the kitchen sink, not fun however as I write this a wee bit of perspective makes it's way into my mind and reminds me that I'm lucky that hot water is my norm).
There was something else but I can't remember so I'll move on...
I sat down and watched the Osbornes (Ozzy, Sharon and the kids) on tv and remembered how much I loved them. Yes it's true ... and odd.
Wally and I started watching their show years ago when it was on and initially I was completely offended. Necessity being the mother of invention though (we had no cable and were at a point in our lives where Christian stuff was smothering us while our loved ones kept dying off). Leaving us to make company with an unlikely match.
Anyways seeing them today reminded me of hope for change and how particularly attractive people are when they are completely honest about themselves, especially if they can laugh too.
After Ellen was over I treated myself to a trip to Chapters to peruse the Religion section in hopes of finding a book recommended to me by my potential priest friend. He is someone that I banter with back and forth every so often on facebook and rather enjoy interesting conversation with. He puts up with my many questions about his conversion to the Catholic faith (from Protestantism), while still participating in a Protestant church.
Anyhoo, I looked to no avail and came to the conclusion I should have ordered it in the first place online. While I was there though I met several potential friends.
I got to know many very briefly but to be honest the cost of taking them all home was much too high. I ended up leaving with nothing in my hand but the thought that they would be there again and that the library holds many potential companions for no cost at all.
The topic of conversation with my friend as of late have been questions I've had about the expected 'quiet' or 'devotional' time we Christians are to have. This I admittedly used to be completely relationally religious about. I was a 'star' pupil and could teach anyone the benefits and necessities of completing a daily routine of worship, prayer and study.
I was so engrossed in my routine that when I met Wally and got married I could not seem to figure out how to incorporate my personal 'quiet time' with that of another in a married context. It overwhelmed me and guilted me for years. Until the time came when all practices 'Christian' seemed empty and meaningless, because the majority of those around us seemed that way.
By no means did we abandon our faith, in fact quite the opposite. But we struggled to find what our changing views were supposed to look like in a very stationary circle of Christ followers. Thus leaving us to abandon our rituals and routines completely.
Now that I am beginning once again to search out what my daily time with my Creator (I'm not trying to sound New Agey, just get sick of using 'God' all of the time)looks like. I thought I would ask my devote friend, who is experienced in different (obviously quite different) practices than my own.
Through the past few years of change I have truly begun to appreciate the diversity of others' thoughts and views on things. I have learned to be able to take time to hear them and get something out of their perspectives, something I never knew how to do before. I used to hear the word New Age and shut someone out. I heard Catholic and would have the urge to pray for their salvation. Now I don't. I don't feel the need to. I instead feel the need to listen and learn. They have different experiences in life than I. Things I can learn from.
So now as I go back to the roots of my faith and decide to open myself up to finding out more about a different angle to it I feel the need to explore.
I would like to rediscover what it is like to love God again. (Not that I haven't' been loving Him now, but perhaps being more aware of new ways I can love Him). I want to remember what it's like to feel connected to Him.
I believe it will be interesting and hopefully eye opening. Christianity is not supposed to be a one time thing. It's not supposed to be an event where it happens and your in - at least not in my opinion.
I'm not saying you 'earn' your way to heaven or anything, but I think it is an ongoing journey of growth and refinement as we open ourselves up to be shaped by God.
My hope is to be refreshed and reintroduced to the beautiful faith that has grounded me and provided for me through out this crazy life. I am so thankful for the loving God I serve.
He is ... my Papa.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Super women
Women are super.
At least that's what I think.
They do it all.
Well many of them ... us.
Though I will confess I have said many times that I could never become a lesbian (aside from personal views perhaps) because I also think woman are crazy hormonal messes. All in all though ...they amaze me.
I bring this up as I strive to get back into a full time job as well as a full time household. I want to say first off that I have absolutely no earthly clue how women work full time and have kids. No idea. This by no means is a judgment just a mere wondering.
I shared with you how lately I have been overwhelmed by the 'catch up' around the apartment. Let me tell you, it builds up over a few months. This past week I was determined to try and get some of it done. Of course this was heading into a 53 hour work week.
Astoundingly I have made some real headway and am felling like a different person because of it. Instead of putting off little jobs, I've been tackling them when I've had the chance. I mentally feel much lighter and happier because of it.
However there's another side to the coin. When you get into the routine of HAVING to get the little job done, you often overlook the chance to catch some relaxation you may need.
I have an aunt (who I think could be reading this). Who has struggled with this for years. She's a mom of three grown children, who were born very close in age. She spent years as a home maker and mother raising them, until her husband was ill (he has kidney disease). Then when they were in their 'tween years she had to work outside of the home to help provide. It soon turned into full time and she then bore the weight of the household entirely on her shoulders.
Because her husband was sick she HAD to do it all: raise the children, cook, clean, work full time to provide, entertain company and so much more. In some ways this doesn't sounds all that earth shattering but if you knew how she completed all of these things you'd be astounded.
You see my idea of cooking in those conditions would be sidekicks with some chicken added, or mac 'n cheese with hot dogs. Not her, it was always a healthy well rounded dinner, a spotless home and to church on time.
I know she wouldn't necessarily say she did everything right and perhaps would do things a bit differently next time (she wore herself out). THe point is I think that we, as women, do it. Or at least we try.
I am by no means knocking men, I'm not a feminist either, but I find it very interesting how we as women feel the deep need to 'do it all'. Why?
I only recently witnessed my husband remotely concerned about the floors being vacuumed. I remember when Wally went to school we did everything we could so that he could concentrate entirely on his school work. After 5 or 6 months we quite working even part time at the barn. When I went to school I continued to clean, cook (as much as I could), work part time, do the laundry, do yard work, take out the garbage, deal with the animals and on and on.
Again, I am not saying men are lazy at all (though I'm probably not convincing you at this moment) just that they think so differently than us.
Their primary thoughts on their purpose in life is work, providing.From my experience, when they are focused it's on primarily one thing.
Women have a thousand and one things on the go at any given time.
I really had to learn to step back during my last semester and was amazed that Wally could indeed pick up the slack,in fact he was better at many things than I was.
I think we need to provide more opportunity to men to flex their multi-tasking abilities. We need to let go more and relax (even though I know that sometimes doing the dishes and getting the dusting done seem more relaxing at the time!)
I'm not sure where that all came from, but there you have it. You have my permission to rest!
At least that's what I think.
They do it all.
Well many of them ... us.
Though I will confess I have said many times that I could never become a lesbian (aside from personal views perhaps) because I also think woman are crazy hormonal messes. All in all though ...they amaze me.
I bring this up as I strive to get back into a full time job as well as a full time household. I want to say first off that I have absolutely no earthly clue how women work full time and have kids. No idea. This by no means is a judgment just a mere wondering.
I shared with you how lately I have been overwhelmed by the 'catch up' around the apartment. Let me tell you, it builds up over a few months. This past week I was determined to try and get some of it done. Of course this was heading into a 53 hour work week.
Astoundingly I have made some real headway and am felling like a different person because of it. Instead of putting off little jobs, I've been tackling them when I've had the chance. I mentally feel much lighter and happier because of it.
However there's another side to the coin. When you get into the routine of HAVING to get the little job done, you often overlook the chance to catch some relaxation you may need.
I have an aunt (who I think could be reading this). Who has struggled with this for years. She's a mom of three grown children, who were born very close in age. She spent years as a home maker and mother raising them, until her husband was ill (he has kidney disease). Then when they were in their 'tween years she had to work outside of the home to help provide. It soon turned into full time and she then bore the weight of the household entirely on her shoulders.
Because her husband was sick she HAD to do it all: raise the children, cook, clean, work full time to provide, entertain company and so much more. In some ways this doesn't sounds all that earth shattering but if you knew how she completed all of these things you'd be astounded.
You see my idea of cooking in those conditions would be sidekicks with some chicken added, or mac 'n cheese with hot dogs. Not her, it was always a healthy well rounded dinner, a spotless home and to church on time.
I know she wouldn't necessarily say she did everything right and perhaps would do things a bit differently next time (she wore herself out). THe point is I think that we, as women, do it. Or at least we try.
I am by no means knocking men, I'm not a feminist either, but I find it very interesting how we as women feel the deep need to 'do it all'. Why?
I only recently witnessed my husband remotely concerned about the floors being vacuumed. I remember when Wally went to school we did everything we could so that he could concentrate entirely on his school work. After 5 or 6 months we quite working even part time at the barn. When I went to school I continued to clean, cook (as much as I could), work part time, do the laundry, do yard work, take out the garbage, deal with the animals and on and on.
Again, I am not saying men are lazy at all (though I'm probably not convincing you at this moment) just that they think so differently than us.
Their primary thoughts on their purpose in life is work, providing.From my experience, when they are focused it's on primarily one thing.
Women have a thousand and one things on the go at any given time.
I really had to learn to step back during my last semester and was amazed that Wally could indeed pick up the slack,in fact he was better at many things than I was.
I think we need to provide more opportunity to men to flex their multi-tasking abilities. We need to let go more and relax (even though I know that sometimes doing the dishes and getting the dusting done seem more relaxing at the time!)
I'm not sure where that all came from, but there you have it. You have my permission to rest!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Apologies
So, I'm sorry (sort of) for leaving you hanging. I have actually began the post I promised but it's a big one and has alot in it, so you'll have to be patient.
It's funny. I've definitely noticed with my blogging that it goes in fits and spurts. Right now I'm sort of quiet ... I know that's bizarre. I wonder what it is that triggers a writing spell. I'm not real sure but it seems to be the way it goes. I haven't felt all tat inspired lately - that's a new thing for me.
I think it's sort of because it's only beginning to set in with Wally and I that we are done a certain chapter in our lives.
The last chapter was really all about a risk, all about adventure. It truly was exciting.
Now we are in more of a season (sharp turn there sorry) of reward. At least that's what I feel. We got Wally's first pay cheque the other day and we both sat down on the couch while we opened the pay stub. We just stared at it for a few moments in awe. The numbers were much bigger than we were used to. Especially the 'per hour' ones. We did some mental figuring and were in disbelief that even with just his paycheque we would have enough to fulfill our needs. It was a weird feeling.
Not to mention the fact that a few days later I received my first paycheque. It was the first paycheque I have ever received for a full time job. Before I always got cash or a mitt full of small cheques. This time I got to experience what it was like to say goodbye to nearly a third of it right off the hop. Not as exciting as I thought.
Anyways, now we are trying to get used to this new way of life and trying to maintain our debt free status for as long as possible. We are very fortunate people.
I think it'll take a while to get used to. I would love to know what is around the bend for us, but wouldn't we all. I think now is the time for us to relaly spend some time seeking God in what he wants us ot do for Him. Even in saying that I have know idea what that really means.
I guess I think of it in terms of Wally and I learning together, experiencing growing opportunities together (hopefully Thailand), reaching out to our community by giving our time to help others in practical ways together. Lots of togetherness.
Of course there is also the obvious question of children. The plan was that when school was done for my thirtieth birthday we would begin the steps towards adoption. Since school finished quicker than we noticed we may hold off 6 months to a year to get sed to this new place in our lives. I have a feeling that however our children come it will be as exciting and spontaneous as our last chapter of our lives.
At least I hope so.
Good night.
It's funny. I've definitely noticed with my blogging that it goes in fits and spurts. Right now I'm sort of quiet ... I know that's bizarre. I wonder what it is that triggers a writing spell. I'm not real sure but it seems to be the way it goes. I haven't felt all tat inspired lately - that's a new thing for me.
I think it's sort of because it's only beginning to set in with Wally and I that we are done a certain chapter in our lives.
The last chapter was really all about a risk, all about adventure. It truly was exciting.
Now we are in more of a season (sharp turn there sorry) of reward. At least that's what I feel. We got Wally's first pay cheque the other day and we both sat down on the couch while we opened the pay stub. We just stared at it for a few moments in awe. The numbers were much bigger than we were used to. Especially the 'per hour' ones. We did some mental figuring and were in disbelief that even with just his paycheque we would have enough to fulfill our needs. It was a weird feeling.
Not to mention the fact that a few days later I received my first paycheque. It was the first paycheque I have ever received for a full time job. Before I always got cash or a mitt full of small cheques. This time I got to experience what it was like to say goodbye to nearly a third of it right off the hop. Not as exciting as I thought.
Anyways, now we are trying to get used to this new way of life and trying to maintain our debt free status for as long as possible. We are very fortunate people.
I think it'll take a while to get used to. I would love to know what is around the bend for us, but wouldn't we all. I think now is the time for us to relaly spend some time seeking God in what he wants us ot do for Him. Even in saying that I have know idea what that really means.
I guess I think of it in terms of Wally and I learning together, experiencing growing opportunities together (hopefully Thailand), reaching out to our community by giving our time to help others in practical ways together. Lots of togetherness.
Of course there is also the obvious question of children. The plan was that when school was done for my thirtieth birthday we would begin the steps towards adoption. Since school finished quicker than we noticed we may hold off 6 months to a year to get sed to this new place in our lives. I have a feeling that however our children come it will be as exciting and spontaneous as our last chapter of our lives.
At least I hope so.
Good night.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Honesty
A brief note to say...
It kills me (perhaps this is a tad bit of an exaggeration) or maybe just drives me crazy.
Up the wall and around the corner.
Keeps me up at night (ok not really).
Talks to me in my sleep (well ... maybe not really with words).
The fact that I have a sitemeter seems to be an issue. Not because it tells me who's reading but more that it doesn't. Overall I think that's a very good thing. I mean if I knew I probably wouldn't be nearly as honest as I am. But it is strange knowing that people I see could actually know what's rattling around in my head. You know, people I wouldn't necessarily rattle on to.
Like I wonder how people that read this blog found it. Who they or you are. What they think (or maybe I don't want to know).
I've asked on a couple of occasions to share with me who you might be (practically begging for virtual friendship - ok I never denied desperation). I'm yet to have a complete stranger share. However I have met new people because of this blog and that is cool. I've also been reacquainted with people because of it as well.
I'm just curious.
Oh wait. That's not good. WE all remember what curiosity does ... it kills the cat Eva! Oh I miss Guy. Soooooo much.
parkerandgrissom@hotmail.com
Don't let me die.
It kills me (perhaps this is a tad bit of an exaggeration) or maybe just drives me crazy.
Up the wall and around the corner.
Keeps me up at night (ok not really).
Talks to me in my sleep (well ... maybe not really with words).
The fact that I have a sitemeter seems to be an issue. Not because it tells me who's reading but more that it doesn't. Overall I think that's a very good thing. I mean if I knew I probably wouldn't be nearly as honest as I am. But it is strange knowing that people I see could actually know what's rattling around in my head. You know, people I wouldn't necessarily rattle on to.
Like I wonder how people that read this blog found it. Who they or you are. What they think (or maybe I don't want to know).
I've asked on a couple of occasions to share with me who you might be (practically begging for virtual friendship - ok I never denied desperation). I'm yet to have a complete stranger share. However I have met new people because of this blog and that is cool. I've also been reacquainted with people because of it as well.
I'm just curious.
Oh wait. That's not good. WE all remember what curiosity does ... it kills the cat Eva! Oh I miss Guy. Soooooo much.
parkerandgrissom@hotmail.com
Don't let me die.
Day 20 of Successfulness
It'd be really easy just to list off everything I ate and stuff everyday. To count of my calories and say 'you do the math', but that's not what I'm going to do. Who wants to read a blog like that?
Who wants to write a blog like that.
Not me.
Today was going ok until I got off work. I fantasized about a craving I was having (after having chatted with someone else at work about their thwarted efforts on weight loss). I find it incredible how a little tiny seed of thought can be planted (or in this case attracted) in your mind and develop so quickly and out of control.
I had no intentions today of any grocery run. No thoughts initially of needing ... well I won't say. But somehow the little bugger got in my head and wouldn't get out. (The thought that is). The funny thing is I wasn't even stressed really. Nope, not really. I was on the verge of hungry but not famished. For some reason hearing someone else talk about it and be able to identify with me so freely and easily seemed to implant the parasite safely into my brain. Grrrrr...
Anyways, here I sit having already counted up the calories of the day, because apparently that's what good dieter's do (never really done it before). I decided that I didn't need to have supper and wouldn't care to since I'm leaving again any minute. I've only been home for an hour.
I wonder how thoughts stick? I mean how do some thoughts stay with you while others run far, far away? For instance: why don't I get hounded by thoughts of fruits and vegetables? Why not be implanted with thoughts of lean meats and great spices?
I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't.
I met up with one of my team members today. She lost 10 pounds the first two weeks. I'd guess she was about my size (or was). She's the one I like (or liked ... just kidding). She was smiling and happy. I was mostly happy for her and partly just jealous.
Anyhoo, this willn't turn into a 'poor me' post or blog for that matter.
On a different front...
When Wally and I were out for our night walk last evening he proposed a thought he had to me. He said 'I wonder if you are someone that will never be happy with where they are in life. Always wishing for something else. Never satisfied.' (Something to this affect).
Of course I gasped, got immediately angry and almost killed him on the spot. I defended myself asked how he could ever say such a thing about a person who has always made it her anthem to love what you do, where you are at and find contentment in those places no matter where they are.
I'm not perfect but I will say I am someone who believes that change won't necessarily bring about happiness. I do believe that you need to be content where you are at before you will ever be able to enjoy anything else.
Oh my goodness ... I'm having a 'kick in the pants' moment.
*Long Pause*
I say all of this. I believe all of this and in so many areas in my life I live all of this. But there is one place I don't. One place I don't feel like I can. One place that I plead to God that I don't have to be content with.
Geez man.
*Sigh*
I don't know how. How do I be content with my body the way it is when I am not content with how I treat my body. Or maybe it's how I treat food.
Hmmm.....
I kind of think it must be easy to confuse body image (what you see)and your mind's image (what you think). My mind really is the culprit here. It's what seems to get me into all of these problems. With it's wandering thoughts and silly ideas. I guess it is a lot less about controlling my body and a lot more about controlling my mind. Right?
There's this saying that is posted in many apartments of those I support who need help going through troubling situations. It goes like this: Stop, Think and Go. I think that's what it is. I'll have to check.
It makes sense. When I'm in a 'zone' of obsessive thoughts there's no getting out - it seems anyway. It's during those times I could use some 'stop'. Then some 'think' (like think about something else!!!) and 'go' (not the direction of the grocery store).
Oh dear. This seems really to be a problem of the mind and heart. I think I need a shrink. Wally actually suggested that too. Did I mention that already?
Anyways I gotta run. More work to do and another long, long day tomorrow.
I hope I can figure at least a little piece of the mystery out.
Contentment ...
Who wants to write a blog like that.
Not me.
Today was going ok until I got off work. I fantasized about a craving I was having (after having chatted with someone else at work about their thwarted efforts on weight loss). I find it incredible how a little tiny seed of thought can be planted (or in this case attracted) in your mind and develop so quickly and out of control.
I had no intentions today of any grocery run. No thoughts initially of needing ... well I won't say. But somehow the little bugger got in my head and wouldn't get out. (The thought that is). The funny thing is I wasn't even stressed really. Nope, not really. I was on the verge of hungry but not famished. For some reason hearing someone else talk about it and be able to identify with me so freely and easily seemed to implant the parasite safely into my brain. Grrrrr...
Anyways, here I sit having already counted up the calories of the day, because apparently that's what good dieter's do (never really done it before). I decided that I didn't need to have supper and wouldn't care to since I'm leaving again any minute. I've only been home for an hour.
I wonder how thoughts stick? I mean how do some thoughts stay with you while others run far, far away? For instance: why don't I get hounded by thoughts of fruits and vegetables? Why not be implanted with thoughts of lean meats and great spices?
I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't.
I met up with one of my team members today. She lost 10 pounds the first two weeks. I'd guess she was about my size (or was). She's the one I like (or liked ... just kidding). She was smiling and happy. I was mostly happy for her and partly just jealous.
Anyhoo, this willn't turn into a 'poor me' post or blog for that matter.
On a different front...
When Wally and I were out for our night walk last evening he proposed a thought he had to me. He said 'I wonder if you are someone that will never be happy with where they are in life. Always wishing for something else. Never satisfied.' (Something to this affect).
Of course I gasped, got immediately angry and almost killed him on the spot. I defended myself asked how he could ever say such a thing about a person who has always made it her anthem to love what you do, where you are at and find contentment in those places no matter where they are.
I'm not perfect but I will say I am someone who believes that change won't necessarily bring about happiness. I do believe that you need to be content where you are at before you will ever be able to enjoy anything else.
Oh my goodness ... I'm having a 'kick in the pants' moment.
*Long Pause*
I say all of this. I believe all of this and in so many areas in my life I live all of this. But there is one place I don't. One place I don't feel like I can. One place that I plead to God that I don't have to be content with.
Geez man.
*Sigh*
I don't know how. How do I be content with my body the way it is when I am not content with how I treat my body. Or maybe it's how I treat food.
Hmmm.....
I kind of think it must be easy to confuse body image (what you see)and your mind's image (what you think). My mind really is the culprit here. It's what seems to get me into all of these problems. With it's wandering thoughts and silly ideas. I guess it is a lot less about controlling my body and a lot more about controlling my mind. Right?
There's this saying that is posted in many apartments of those I support who need help going through troubling situations. It goes like this: Stop, Think and Go. I think that's what it is. I'll have to check.
It makes sense. When I'm in a 'zone' of obsessive thoughts there's no getting out - it seems anyway. It's during those times I could use some 'stop'. Then some 'think' (like think about something else!!!) and 'go' (not the direction of the grocery store).
Oh dear. This seems really to be a problem of the mind and heart. I think I need a shrink. Wally actually suggested that too. Did I mention that already?
Anyways I gotta run. More work to do and another long, long day tomorrow.
I hope I can figure at least a little piece of the mystery out.
Contentment ...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 19 of Successfulness
Yes I am back to the number thing. Well, at least for the moment. We'll see.
Last week I worked lots. For some reason a 42 hour week seems far longer when it starts and stops a hundred times through out. You see I have a lot of days that consist of me starting the day at 7:30 or 8 am, working until noon, then back in (somewhere else) at 4pm and working until 10pm. It's not torture or anything but if I were to choose my hours in a day they may not be exactly as scheduled. But it's all part of training. And this field.
Anyways, last week was primarily spent working my 42 hours amongst 6 days here and there - many of my shifts being my first 'on my own' ones. Overall they went very well. YAY!
In other news the past couple of weeks have found themselves far (oh so far) from the wagon. I found myself a little down last week. I think I was perhaps a tad overwhelmed with all the new work, the party planning (and trying to be understood by everyone who's helping), and the fact that I am currently leaving our apartment looking like that of a college student every time I exit it. And I guess now that I'm not one I can't do that anymore. (Come to think of it I never did that then ... really).
Wally commented how I seem to use something and when I'm done with it just leave it where ever I last was. Apparently this isn't normal. Or at least not acceptable.
By the time Sunday came (my only day off) the place looked like a tornado hit it. (I do, incidentally, know what that looks like first hand). I honestly haven't felt like I had any energy or concern for the fact that there was more silverware in the living room than in the kitchen (or food for that matter). Or that every pair of underwear I had was in the wash patiently waiting for their turn in the machine, while I had to torture a pair today that really should have waited until successfulness had reaped some results. Oh yes and let's not forget the fact that I was beginning to be kind to the environment by writing my notes to Wally in the accumulated dust on our furniture.
All this to say I seemed wiped out and completely overrun with stuff to 'catch up' on and not any ambition to do so in sight. I think all of this contributed to the fact that I have not even cared one shred about any stupid diet or competition.
I realized today that I was really just choosing to live in denial (of some magnitude). I have been avoiding the truth of my 'issues' or at least avoiding the solution to them. I avoided the scale, (which so eloquently told me today that the weight was not going to jump off of my body because I had good intentions - weird eh?). I realized that by not reminding myself of the truth I was just running from it.
So this morning before I ate my fabulous Fibre One and cottage cheese with cinnamon for breakfast, I grabbed the electronic scale and faced the facts. I quickly stripped down to my undies (because you needed to know), but didn't go too crazy (I kept my watch and rings on). I stepped on that scale with confidence and strength. After seeing the number that stared back at me, wondered if perhaps confidence and strength added weight to my number.
Either way I got the truth and I accepted it. I didn't get off of the scale sad or angry. I didn't feel ugly or defeated. Instead I felt challenged. Challenged to, once again, be the person I know that I am. Who knew a scale could go that deep eh?
Well anyways I've had a good day in the realm of successfulness and decided to bring back the title. I decided that successfulness shouldn't be completely based on the outside result but also the scenery along the way. It took 19 days to get here and each have taught me something. Ok so I'll be honest I'm not exactly sure what but I'm sure they have right?
P.S. After breakfast during the 2 hours I had before work I finally dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, put some Christmas stuff away, did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, made my successful lunch and had time to finish some paperwork for work. It's amazing what accepting the truth will do!
Last week I worked lots. For some reason a 42 hour week seems far longer when it starts and stops a hundred times through out. You see I have a lot of days that consist of me starting the day at 7:30 or 8 am, working until noon, then back in (somewhere else) at 4pm and working until 10pm. It's not torture or anything but if I were to choose my hours in a day they may not be exactly as scheduled. But it's all part of training. And this field.
Anyways, last week was primarily spent working my 42 hours amongst 6 days here and there - many of my shifts being my first 'on my own' ones. Overall they went very well. YAY!
In other news the past couple of weeks have found themselves far (oh so far) from the wagon. I found myself a little down last week. I think I was perhaps a tad overwhelmed with all the new work, the party planning (and trying to be understood by everyone who's helping), and the fact that I am currently leaving our apartment looking like that of a college student every time I exit it. And I guess now that I'm not one I can't do that anymore. (Come to think of it I never did that then ... really).
Wally commented how I seem to use something and when I'm done with it just leave it where ever I last was. Apparently this isn't normal. Or at least not acceptable.
By the time Sunday came (my only day off) the place looked like a tornado hit it. (I do, incidentally, know what that looks like first hand). I honestly haven't felt like I had any energy or concern for the fact that there was more silverware in the living room than in the kitchen (or food for that matter). Or that every pair of underwear I had was in the wash patiently waiting for their turn in the machine, while I had to torture a pair today that really should have waited until successfulness had reaped some results. Oh yes and let's not forget the fact that I was beginning to be kind to the environment by writing my notes to Wally in the accumulated dust on our furniture.
All this to say I seemed wiped out and completely overrun with stuff to 'catch up' on and not any ambition to do so in sight. I think all of this contributed to the fact that I have not even cared one shred about any stupid diet or competition.
I realized today that I was really just choosing to live in denial (of some magnitude). I have been avoiding the truth of my 'issues' or at least avoiding the solution to them. I avoided the scale, (which so eloquently told me today that the weight was not going to jump off of my body because I had good intentions - weird eh?). I realized that by not reminding myself of the truth I was just running from it.
So this morning before I ate my fabulous Fibre One and cottage cheese with cinnamon for breakfast, I grabbed the electronic scale and faced the facts. I quickly stripped down to my undies (because you needed to know), but didn't go too crazy (I kept my watch and rings on). I stepped on that scale with confidence and strength. After seeing the number that stared back at me, wondered if perhaps confidence and strength added weight to my number.
Either way I got the truth and I accepted it. I didn't get off of the scale sad or angry. I didn't feel ugly or defeated. Instead I felt challenged. Challenged to, once again, be the person I know that I am. Who knew a scale could go that deep eh?
Well anyways I've had a good day in the realm of successfulness and decided to bring back the title. I decided that successfulness shouldn't be completely based on the outside result but also the scenery along the way. It took 19 days to get here and each have taught me something. Ok so I'll be honest I'm not exactly sure what but I'm sure they have right?
P.S. After breakfast during the 2 hours I had before work I finally dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, put some Christmas stuff away, did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, made my successful lunch and had time to finish some paperwork for work. It's amazing what accepting the truth will do!
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