Ponderings...

I am getting very excited for the new year. I am getting very excited about blogging again. I am trying to think about what fantastic journey I want to go on in 2010. The thing is I want to know before 2010 comes to find me.

Perhaps I need help.

Perhaps I need suggestions.

I LOVED doing my 'Forty Days' of new experiences in 2009. They seriously changed me in a million little ways and a few big ones. But it's a new year and a new adventure. I really want to do experience big things. I just don't know what.

I have a mini list going that I'm thinking about. Maybe I'll share...

Maybe I won't.

Just kidding I will.

* Wally and I are going to host a HUGE party in celebration of life.

In efforts to make memories and thank those who have supported us through our journey so far. There will be a dance, cash bar, wonderfully fun decorations, a photographer to catch the memories, fun center pieces, thoughtful touches, and great food. Oh and don't forget the party favors and nice invitations. Oh yeah and the interestingly diverse party goers. We are so excited!!

* Wally and I are planning to go on a hot air balloon ride in the summer.

We've talked about it lots but have never conceived doing it because of cost - since my last adventure we've come to realize these experiences are worth it. At least we hope they are.

* I want to learn how to jog or run.

I'm really not aware of the difference but have always wanted to be the person that does 'that'.

* Wally and I are going to join a gym together.

This is something Wally has only recently began to show an interest in and to me is miraculous. I'm sure this will hold great stories to.

* I want to have a dinner, inviting a group of amazing women and honour them at it.

Really to celebrate them and to inspire eachother. Who does this?

* I need to go somewhere on a plane again, on my own.

Or at least travel and experience something - even if it's a learning experience. I've wanted to do a trip somewhere in the world to 'give back' for years. I don't know if this is the year to go over oceans, but somewhere new would be nice... we'll see.

* Go camping (like with a tent)

Some people like it.

* I would love to give up my addiction to sugar foods for a year.

I want to see if I can transfer my love for chocolate into something more healthy. That would be interesting...


Well that's all for now. Does anyone have any other cool suggestions? Feel free to add them.

New Beginnings ...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to any and all readers that may potentially still be stumbling upon my blog after so long of me away. I very much hope to resume writing, at least every few days now. I have to get back into the knack of things and remember how to write or at least how I like to write down what I am pondering. I remember LOVING it and the constant communication it brought to my world. There's something just so fun about being 'anonymous' or maybe just 'read' that feels so great. It's probably the narcissistic side of me...

I guess it might be nice to update you on my (our) lives up to this point. I'll give it to you in short:
* As of Dec 26th my contract at work was over. For those who don't know, I resigned 2 weeks ago after we got news ...
* Wally is employed in his field - a computer programmer analyst!!!!
* My placement offered me a job and I accepted!!! I have been given 24 hours permanent (meaning they are my own!) one week and 8 hours permanent on the opposite week with plans of going up to 35 hours a week. (Oh and I'm being trained at every place the agency works at to fill my hours in the mean time - which not every body gets the chance to do!). I'll explain more about my new job later.
* The past few days have been all about getting reconnected with Wally and it's been (for the most part) great! I have no earthly idea how I survived and even did fairly well during the past four months now that I am getting back to 'normal'
* I have just realized how desperately in need of an apartment purge Wally and I are. I love to purge.
* I have begun loosely planning 'THE Party', more to follow on this.
* I have gained an unreasonable amount of weight during my placement and will definitely share more about this... blah
* I suppose I could mention one of the most obvious updates: Wally and I are finished school! well at least part 1. I am seriously considering getting an honours BA through a University that will accept my 2 years at college towards 2 years at their historically 'hands on' University ... however I'm going to take a few months off before I get into that (if I even do)

I think those are all of the most important events of the day. I have so much I want to share over the past few months but I'm going to let it trickle out slowly. I am so very excited to get back into life. I'm not sure that I would ever trade truly experiencing life for a challenge again - but I did and I have learned SOOOOOO much.

I'll be back soon!

Love Eva :)

I'm still alive ... just not sane

Well it's the truth. Ok so I'm probably not yet technically insane but I have certainly felt the potential to fall off of the tight rope at times.

There's so much I would love to share. So much I would love to say but the brief ten minutes I have to receive some therapy here is just not enough time to release much.

Here's the long and the short of it...

* I am 13 days, 1 assignment and 1 exam away from completing my college diploma
* 20 days, 9 shifts away from celebrating Christmas
* 12 days from being eligible to work for my placement agency which has indeed hired me on the day following my last day of placement (even though they aren't technically allowed to do that
* 17 days away from seeing an old friend who lives far, far away

Living in a countdown isn't really my style at all. I really believe in living in the moment, enjoying every second and learning through every mistake. By I have to say taking on a 70 hour work week in the field of my choosing doesn't produce feelings of philosophy they provide a desire to just survive. I am now more in tune with most of humanity - or at least most of North America. Something I'm worked the past few years to get away from.

Oh well right now my pursuit in life is to survive mentally sound, then indulge in philosophy and living after. Not recommended but sometimes necessary.

Here's a brief list of the things I have learned in the past 13 weeks of my crazy life:

* I will never, ever have issues with changing a baby's dirty diaper
* nursing homes are generally (in my opinion) cruel punishments
* a good co-worker is invaluable
* no your limits and play within them
* you can function with only 5 hours of sleep on a continuous basis but not forever
* your boss can indeed be that insensitive
* there are amazing places to work that knock your socks off and you are allowed to be selfish and take those jobs
* call the 1-800 counseling hotline - the first step is the hardest but the most necessary
* my husband can learn how manage the house completely on his own
* I like the lady I support with dementia, she makes me smile (in a nice way)
* you can forgive someone when they don't know better, but it's hard to forgive those who do
* the system is broken and it grieves me
* I still have the ability to grieve
* human services can be the most inhumane system there is sometimes
* there are places that put philosophy into practice
* I am strong even when I'm broken
* no one understands a traumatic event you've been through as well as the one who goes through it with you
* I miss cooking
* Just because a place has a wheelchair ramp by no means makes it wheelchair accessible
* I miss working out, even though it does little for my waistline
* I picked the right job
* I miss my blog family :(

Well I've used up more than my ten minutes. I look forward to returning regularly soon!!

Not that many people read this now but whoever does, may I ask for your prayers (in whatever form they may come)?

Love,
Eva :)

Last night I held someone's hand

Lastnight after placement I strolled into work expecting a frenzy. For two reasons: there generally isn't a dull moment on a regular day and guy's roommate Gui was supposed to be released from the hospital after having a hospital stay due to a serious seizure he'd had Sunday evening. It was a status seizure (the worst kind and the only kind he has, when he has them). He had only been getting them around once a year and had one in May around when I started. However infection brings them on and he also had that so it was prime time for such an event to occur.

Let me tell you about what the following few days to a week after a seizure for him is like ... intense. His regular aggressions times ten. At least that's how it was the week after he had the last one (two weeks into my training) enough to make me wonder to myself what the heck I was doing. One day they had to call in 2 extra staff making it three for one person.

Anyways all of that being said I think you could understand my expectations for a circus that night at work. However when I walked in I learned Gui had not yet been released. He'd only been excavated - wait that doesn't sound right, let's say un-intabated (sp?) My manager informed me that she needed someone to pick him up as she thought he was being released that evening and I was the lucky staff to do it (since the other person on had a cold and the ICU doesn't like colds). I was nervous about the whole thing since the night before I was talking to Sista and she said that it normally took 2 staff to bring him home because he was usually very grouchy when coming off of te drugs they use to keep him "under" and difficult to handle. My manager didn't seem to think this way so off we went.

when we arrived at the hospital we soon learned that Gui would not be coming home that night because of a fever they wanted to monitor (phew!) so instead I was asked to stay for 3 hours to 'support' Gui. I have to say that I really had no idea what she wanted me to do. He had his own nurses and all the attention one could need in ICU so when I asked my boss what she wanted me to do she just said be there, do a brief change if they need it (um hello that's what the nurses are for and there was no way I was going to try and change him myself in a strange place with machines, tubes and all the like around - and by the way he had a catheter in anyway). I had no problem staying I just wanted to know what to do - because that's what I do ... stuff that needs to be done.

I have learned in the past few weeks that sitting with someone matters. I support a couple of ladies in nursing homes: one who's in her early twenties and shouldn't be in a nursing home but because of a lack of knowledge that's where her parents put her. and the other is a lady in her mid fifties that has Down Syndrome with early onset of dementia (60% of people with Down's have some from of Alzheimer's), I support her through supper. Mostly with Dolly (the latter) I sit and colour with her, reassure her that 'Jacob' her imaginary friend that apparently hits, slaps and teases her is gone away. I tell her to tell him to leave or go away at which time she does and follows it by sticking out her tongue or taunting him, or putting up both palms to her ears (sticking straight out like) kind of like saying 'Na na na boo boo'. She's an interesting character. However she experiences something called 'sundowning' behaviour around that part of the day, so I go eat supper with her (she likes to eat apart from the other people on the floor) I try to get her to calm down and hopefully eat.

After my recent experiences I know that sitting matters. I know that presence matters. I know that little things like that matter. I don't know why I thought it'd be different for my friend Gui but I did question my boss ... yet I stayed. I sat down after a while and watched the cable the nurse put on for me while Gui looked around, tried to get as comfortable as his arm and hip restraints would let him. when Big Mama and I got there initially he vocalized a bit, smiled and appeared to be glad we were there. This may be a no brainer to some but Gui sometimes smiles at odd times so it's not always like "oh he's smiling he's really happy" or anything - sometimes it is but not always. After a few minutes with the both of us the nurse that was there commented that this was the calmest he saw Gui all day, 'wow that's good' I thought.

I continued to sit beside him, watch my newly acquired cable and hold his hand which most of the time he held onto and squeezed. There were a few times he'd let go , I'm going to assume because it got pretty sweaty. After the three hours were up I stood, shut the tv off, turned to Gui, took his hand and told him I had to get going and that I'd see him on Thursday. Just to give you an in on his mental status Gui is very low functioning (by that I mean no disrespect, it's just the term that is most easily understood). He can complete simple commands if he wants to like 'turn on the light', 'pick that up please', 'get your shoes' but other than simple things you don't expect a while lot of rationale with him. Staff have often talked about he knows far more than we think or even know he knows but it's hard to figure him out sometimes. As I was leaving I really didn't expect anything from him. You don't usually get a lot of emotion in departures though they are there just not completely understood. As I said my goodbyes and he really squeezed my hand (and I really didn't think anything of it) I looked at his face and, I'm not kidding here, saw a tear falling from each eye. They weren't the fat rolling kind, they were the damp streaming kind, but definitely there slowing creeping down his fevered face. I couldn't believe my eyes. I'd never seen that before (of course I've only been around for 6 months - but still).

I left the hospital room and thought. I wondered if that was an emotion or a reaction the the alcoholic hand sanitizer I'd just applied, I couldn't imagine the hand sanitizer would do that from afar - the nurses applied it several times a shift. Who really knows what Gui was thinking or more importantly what he was feeling. As I was leaving I decided I did matter, my hand mattered, my presence mattered, my voice mattered ... he mattered.

Last night I held someone's hand. I was their person. What an honour.

Missing You

I only have 10 minutes before I have to scoot out the door for week 3 of chaos. I thought I'd fill you in on how my first full week of placement, school and work went.

Overall, not too bad at all. I still love my placement , even though the last of communication between staff is frustrating at times it just pushes me to strive to do better at my end of things. I am learning more everyday and loving the people I support - they have been teaching me so much. I just wish I could introduce you to them all in person (I say this to Wally several times through out my week).

Work also went better than I expected, though it too holds it's own frustrations with a select few (or one). But I did enjoy it for the most part. It's amazing how your body adapts to the lack of sleep you once gave it and gives you the will to go on. I'm chuckling to myself because seriously I'm not fighting death, really it's just a busy schedule that is life to some people. I'll learn.

Currently I feel great and am looking forward to whatever my day holds. I am so blessed (though that saying is so cliche and I try not to use it often). I am missing friendships and connecting so feel free to hook me up :)

I miss my blog friends too very much and staying in touch. I do hope that when this is over I can blog often again - there's something about it that is just therapeutic and fun too.

Well gotta run!

Have a great day!

Vivvie

Today I finished my first full week of my placement for school. What can I say ... wow! It's going to be an intense 13 weeks to come!

You may be wondering what a typical day of my placement is like, or you may not give two hoots. Here's one of my days in short... (For the record I've decided to forget about editing and worrying about being a writer while I am blogging on the fly. I realized today how much I miss sharing my thoughts about my regular old days, so I figured rather than worry about perfection I'd just whip out what I could and if people want to read it, it's there).

Hmmmm which wacko day should I tell you about? Thinking, thinking, thinking ....

Yesterday is fresh in my mind, why not it? (I may share a couple of other first days too, but we'll start here).

I started my day later Wednesday because I would be going pretty late in the day. The first person of the day for me to see was a lady named Vivvie. She's 54 years old, crippled up pretty bad in a wheelchair because of an accident when she was 5 that left her non ambulatory, non verbal, and unable to do much at all with her one side. Vivvie has a clear mind but has refused to use any method of communication created for her which leaves her to only use her own sign language, moaning, and some pointing - leaving those initially working with her (aka me) ready to pull their hair out (not because of her, but because of me not able to understand). Vivvie cannot read but does manage to do a few things for herself like heat food in the toaster oven, however with much work and challenge.

On my first visit I was 'shadowing' a worker named Bill who is younger than myself, soft spoken, carries a somewhat nervous laughter but a gentle and caring way in all I saw him do. I walked in and met Vivvie, who had began preparing her lunch in the toaster oven and Bill quickly took over for her, getting her food ready, then busily cleaning up the cat litter, some other odd jobs, then proceeded to work with Vivvie on a grocery list.

Ok so when I heard Bill say that they would make a grocery list I thought 'This will only take a minute or two'. Boy was I wrong. I was wrong because if it were me the grocery list making would've consisted of me peeking through the fridge and the cupboards for what was needing to be replenished. Instead it took Bill a good half hour to forty five minutes. Why you ask? No, not because he's a man. Because Bill had Vivvie participating in the chore completely. Bill carefully and considerately went through the fridge, looking at each shelf and asking about any potential items that Vivvie wanted. Remember Vivvie is non verbal so to guess what she was asking for beyond what you were asking her about was a tedious and intense process of actions, moans, points and A LOT of guessing.

I watched as Bill was able to guess yogurt, bread, bananas, and the one that shocked me when he got home: a specific sandwich spread she hadn't asked for in ages. Like how did he do that?!!! Seriously he started with sandwich meat and figured out sandwich spread and the flavor and brand and everything!! I was beyond impressed.

When Bill was done making the list he said that he would have to pop out for a few minutes to get the groceries (in reality I think it was an eternity, or an hour and a half - whichever). He said I could get to know Vivvie better. Off he went and I sat while Vivvie went back to her meal. I realized quickly that her food was cold and she wanted it reheated but didn't want to ask me. I allowed her to try on her own to do it and when I saw that it was difficult I intervened and asked if she wanted help. She nodded yes. I helped her out while trying to chat with her all the while. It wasn't long and the food was ready.

As she ate I noticed Vivvie trying to reach for napkins a couple of times so I offered help and she accepted - I never knew how good it could feel to have help accepted. We're taught in school to allow and encourage as much independence as possible, that's what I was trying to do. Some people refuse any sort of help, when Vivvie accepted mine I was glad.

As time passed I was able to sort of chat with her a bit and she tried to chat with me. At one point she was desperately trying to tell me something and I was trying to guess. She was motioning as if she was opening a bottle with the side of her leg (popping the top off) and then drinking it. Then she'd tap on her chair. I would ask 'Are you thirsty? Do you need a drink?' and she would shake her head. She did it a few times and then gave up. I told her that I was no good for helping and that I was sorry. I was able to understand a few things (which I was overjoyed about).

A while into our alone time a couple of VON ladies whisked into her room to change her brief and prep her ventilator. They obviously had an awesome re pore with Vivvie and did a fabulous job connecting with her and giving me ideas on things we could do together in the future (Vivvie and I). Not long after they whisked in Vivvie began doing the same drink and tapping signs she tried with me (to no avail) and one of the nurses responded with 'You want some hard liquor eh?' They chuckled, I laughed. She was just trying to joke around! Ahhh. At that point I told Vivvie that maybe we'd go out for drinks when I was off. She then made signs of being sick to which someone interpreted them for me as she can't drink much anymore because she gets sicks. Apparently she was a partier back in the day.

The VON nurses also shared Vivvie's secret crush on Bill the worker and her affinity towards Antonio Banderas (sp?) - I loved it. Her sense of humour also came out when she was having difficulty breathing and was coughing pretty bad. She made some signs pointing to a hook in her kitchen and Bill knew she was referring to hanging up her doctor and then she'd pretend she was the cat (her catch is a bit evil) clawing at him. After which she showed her fist and then flailed her middle finger. Obviously her doctor isn't her favourite person. Obviously Vivvie had an incredible sense of humour (and perhaps some pent up anger).

In the end I came out of our visit together excited about the opportunities I would have to get Vivvie out and about while I was doing my placement. I will have 3 hours a week with her to do social activities and outing. Something she doesn't get really at all because all of her support is wrapped up in taking care of her daily physical/medical needs. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the idea that I need to learn how to book the para-transit system, call VON (her health care staff)to organize help pre-outing and take Vivvie (who'd be relying on me for her communication - eek!) out into the community. However at the same time I'm so excited to be a part of giving someone the opportunity to live a fuller life out in the community and to experience all those things we take for granted. A simple trip to the dollar store, a meal at a restaurant, trip bowling or to the movies would make Vivvie's month. What a privilege I have. When I get frustrated (which may be often) I need to remember this.

Well, This wasn't my whole day, in fact it was only a third of it but it was one of the many interesting people I will be supporting for the next 14 weeks. I hope you enjoyed meeting Vivvie. I think I will try and maybe share a bit about each person I get to spend time with through my week. I don't think you'd be disappointed with any of their stories. Perhaps I will try and get a couple posted over the weekend.

I have to say it again - I love my job and I love the people I support even more ... and it's only just begun!

No sleep

Ok so this is a random, 'I'm up at midnight totally wide awake, about nothing in particular' post. I usually write it in MS Word then copy and paste but I'm trying to live dangerously these days so I'll give this a whirl.

I wrote a post the other day about my first day at placement but it hasn't been finished or edited so it clearly hasn't found a home on here yet, we'll see if that changes. Since I haven't written much lately at all about my current situation maybe I'll fill you in and give a refresher.

Last Wednesday was my first official day of my final placement with school. This is basically like an unpaid job for approximately 30 hours a week (for 15 weeks). Mine is with an organization that does Supported Independent Living with people with developmental disabilities. I will be meeting with between 2 and 5 different people everyday either in their homes or supporting them at different programs through out the city. I have only met two of the people I'll be with and so far I've really enjoyed it and them. I'm sure I'll have some great stories too. I'm not sure how great I'll be at blogging, considering my life will be literally taken up by 8 hours of school, 30 hours of work and 30 hours of placement and some study time somewhere in there - EEK!!

Tonight I went out for my last evening coffee time with Sista to celebrate her getting the 40 hour contract that she applied for (you see she was doing my 30 hour one for only a year then returning to her old 40 hour job when Bro's 40 hour contract came up and she got it). I wasn't so sure I'd be able to survive the 30 hour work week without her understanding spirit. I'll be honest, I'm still wondering if I made the wisest decision. However, I keep reminding myself it's only for 13 weeks. I start my contract next weekend. Be on your knees for me!

The other night I was out with my girls: Lovie, Artsy, and Shell Bell (at an amazing Thai restaurant all should visit) and when we were leaving someone mentioned planning our next get together and I sadly said that they should make sure to take pictures because I would not be there. Shell Bell said that they should take a picture of me and add it into their poses so that I would still show up in the pictures. This gave me a great idea (well really corny but great too).

I thought, why not print off a few 8 X 10 pictures of my face and have different people take their pictures of me doing fun things with them, things I can't do because I will be too busy to join in? I attempted to recruit some peeps to help out on the weekend and had several reply, I just need to tell them my idea. Though this is a very cheesy idea I feel like it may be essential to my sanity. You see I have a great conviction to live right? I mean I try never to say things like 'I can't wait until this is over' (which I'll confess has run through my mind a couple of times lately) or 'Everything will be great once I get through this...'. I think these are terrible things to have permanently running through your mind because who knows if I'll be around until after the 'storm has passed'. I think that we should try to live wonderfully through the storm instead (I actually love storms).

That's my current dilemma, or should I say challenge. Yes, I'll say challenge. How to encounter a crazy, potentially stressful, hectic, tiring and insane schedule of new experiences, deadlines, and stretching of my limits without giving up on truly living honestly and loving it. One of my biggest pet peeves are people that hate their lives and don't do anything about it. Or they just complain their way through - I can't stand it. I say 'Change it!'

However some situations you cannot change and some situations you simply put yourself in to see what happens. I'd say that the latter is my case. I've done this completely by choice and am now trying to think of ways that I can not only survive what I've done but thrive during this time. I'm gonna need some help ...I'm gonna need lots of help. The best way to cure a situation like this is to laugh, a lot, so that's what I'm hoping I will do. We'll see if the experiment goes anywhere...

I realize I sound a tad on the psychotic side but we all do sometimes right? (Just say right), it is after midnight now and I am seriously feeling deranged at this moment. Anyway, not my most insightful post but it's me, take it or leave it.

good night.