I can't believe I haven't posted since last Thursday!!
Time goes by so fast!
Things that I've been preoccupied with:
* helping Wally finish up the basement rec room (looks pretty good, at least compared to the panelling before
* getting reacquainted with an old friend who I believe has been placed in my life at the perfect time
* my Tiny Tower (Wally did end up getting me a different refurbished ipod touch and now I can't go anywhere without my Tiny Tower .... it's a problem).
* dreaming - about a potential future business in the fitness/nutrition field
* how to try once more at cutting back my hours at work (have yet to be successful at it)
* brainstorming about a potential new blog/website that I'd love to start welcoming the views and experiences of other people (possibly focused on the needs of women but not sure)
* having old friends and their ultra adorable, yet sometimes loud (normal kid loud) children visit. (Incidentally I was told by their 7 year old daughter, after she kissed my hand, that I was as beautiful as a princess, I entered a euphoric state).
* baking LOTS of new 'clean' treats that are AMAZING!!!! This Christmas I will bake again!!!
* taking a little break from training (does 6 days count?)
* being challenged by the idea of living 'outside of the box'
It seems that as my mind gets a chance to dream it goes crazy with new ideas and thoughts of what I could do to enjoy life a little more.
I'm once again at a turning point I feel. I honestly think I'd quit my job today if I could to pursue something that I would love now. I;m sure I seem flaky and non committal at my job but I don't regret my decision at all to go into this field. I've learned more than any book on life could teach me. I have learned how to respect those that are different AND see how NOT different from me they are.
Sometimes I wonder if we get so caught up in the expectations of those around us that we forget to listen to our hearts on the of our own lives. It's so easy to do as sometimes all we hope to do is survive another day.
After just recently earning (after 1 1/2 yrs) benefits at my work I now have no desire what so ever to continue on. In my head I know much of my desire to get benefits was to prove that I could do it. I've never had them on my own before, I've always relied on Wally and over half of our marriage was empty of them anyway (we're healthy people so it wasn't a big deal).
Now that I know I've done it and that if I ever wanted to I could again, I have no other desire but to say 'Cut back my hours please, I don't really care about the benefits!' Let me tell you if the shock wasn't already there that I had no desire to get full time benefits while working full time, would they be surprised at the fact I could work part time and still say 'no thanks' to part time benefits (which are actually really good).
I don't want to live me life tied to a post. A post that may not even benefit me (even though everyone says it will).
I have to say too that I am VERY, VERY fortunate that I am blessed with perfect health right now and I have no reason to worry about ditching the 'post', some people aren't so lucky. They would require a great deal more faith than I to ditch their post.
Notice I did not say I believed they had to stay tied to the post?
I believe (I know, easy for me to believe), that the only difference stopping one person in a more challenging position than another to go after their passion is their faith. We all have to have some, but a few of us need what seems to be a hell of a lot more.
So .... if you see someone tied to a post. Do them a favour and teach them how to cut themselves free, encourage them to, be there for them and cheer them on.
If you're the one tied to a post dont' let anyone convince you that what you see as a burden is your benefit. Only you can decide that.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
To risk or not to risk ... that is the question.
I want to take a risk.
I'm thinking about it.
Really, really thinking about it.
I need more guts .... with less gas.
But definitely more guts.
We'll see.
I just know that there's a better me out there to be had.
Waiting for me to be had.
Just need to take a risk.
I'm thinking about it.
Really, really thinking about it.
I need more guts .... with less gas.
But definitely more guts.
We'll see.
I just know that there's a better me out there to be had.
Waiting for me to be had.
Just need to take a risk.
More thinkin'
I only have a few minutes but I thought I'd shoot out a post. Nothing special.
I really wanted to workout today and was even looking forward to doing the workout my new trainer friends created for me but it's one of those days that I would love to stay in bed for. In a good way and in a bad way.
It's raining.
I LOVE rainy days (now that we've had some sunny ones to help with my sads).
I love the feeling of being at home all cozy and just hanging out.
I also am tired from my super long but not bad day yesterday and my frustrating end to my Tuesday.
I got into the shower this morning and barely got myself out. I'm sure I was in there for 30 minutes or longer. (Sorry about the water bill Wally).
Though I was disappointed not to get to try my workout on my own I loved the extra time I took just to wallow in glumness and let the day ease into me.
I really thought a lot in the shower (as I generally seem to) about my job.
Why do I not feel satisfied? Why do I feel the need to stick up for co workers or find justice for those I support? (At least that's what I think I'm doing). Why can't I just be happy with my decent schedule of decent people?
But I'm not.
I have this nagging desire to explore my interests. My true interests.
I always thought once I achieved a goal and lived a dream I'd feel fulfilled enough to just coast I guess. I'm learning that's not the way it goes.
Instead, more dreams bud and flourish, stronger desires develop to try new things. It doesn't stop.
Ever.
Currently I'm excited about fitness and nutrition. Not in an 'I'm perfect, look at my hot body, I've got it all right' sort of way. But in an 'I'm NOT perfect, I am working on my super amazing body, but more importantly my super amazing mind and what it is thinking' sort of way.
I have a real and strong desire to help others battle their self beliefs. I want to meet people where they are at and help walk them through to permanent freedom from their mind/body struggles relating to who they are, what they can do and who they want to be.
Sounds like a bit more than fitness and nutrition.
I get excited at the thought of sharing healthy and more importantly yummy treats and food with people that want to learn. My heart flutters at the idea of training people how to exercise and take care of their bodies in order to respect what they've been given.
I also really want to do all this in a REAL and relative manner without any false hope that it happens overnight or without a lot of self exploration (especially for people like me who have struggled for so long in ways unseen).
I feel the way about this dream the same as I did when I dreamt of going back to school.
I think I need to keep growing the dream so that when it's ready it can be made real (wow I kinda sound like a new ager - forgive me!).
What do you dream of doing? What are some things you just would love to let out and try, maybe overcome?
Think about it.
I really wanted to workout today and was even looking forward to doing the workout my new trainer friends created for me but it's one of those days that I would love to stay in bed for. In a good way and in a bad way.
It's raining.
I LOVE rainy days (now that we've had some sunny ones to help with my sads).
I love the feeling of being at home all cozy and just hanging out.
I also am tired from my super long but not bad day yesterday and my frustrating end to my Tuesday.
I got into the shower this morning and barely got myself out. I'm sure I was in there for 30 minutes or longer. (Sorry about the water bill Wally).
Though I was disappointed not to get to try my workout on my own I loved the extra time I took just to wallow in glumness and let the day ease into me.
I really thought a lot in the shower (as I generally seem to) about my job.
Why do I not feel satisfied? Why do I feel the need to stick up for co workers or find justice for those I support? (At least that's what I think I'm doing). Why can't I just be happy with my decent schedule of decent people?
But I'm not.
I have this nagging desire to explore my interests. My true interests.
I always thought once I achieved a goal and lived a dream I'd feel fulfilled enough to just coast I guess. I'm learning that's not the way it goes.
Instead, more dreams bud and flourish, stronger desires develop to try new things. It doesn't stop.
Ever.
Currently I'm excited about fitness and nutrition. Not in an 'I'm perfect, look at my hot body, I've got it all right' sort of way. But in an 'I'm NOT perfect, I am working on my super amazing body, but more importantly my super amazing mind and what it is thinking' sort of way.
I have a real and strong desire to help others battle their self beliefs. I want to meet people where they are at and help walk them through to permanent freedom from their mind/body struggles relating to who they are, what they can do and who they want to be.
Sounds like a bit more than fitness and nutrition.
I get excited at the thought of sharing healthy and more importantly yummy treats and food with people that want to learn. My heart flutters at the idea of training people how to exercise and take care of their bodies in order to respect what they've been given.
I also really want to do all this in a REAL and relative manner without any false hope that it happens overnight or without a lot of self exploration (especially for people like me who have struggled for so long in ways unseen).
I feel the way about this dream the same as I did when I dreamt of going back to school.
I think I need to keep growing the dream so that when it's ready it can be made real (wow I kinda sound like a new ager - forgive me!).
What do you dream of doing? What are some things you just would love to let out and try, maybe overcome?
Think about it.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
It's all good.
Though my knees are aching and my head is pounding and my body is completely fatigued ... it is: all good.
As I type we're having a down pour. Such a welcomed down pour.
After days without a real rain, combined with record breaking heat temperatures I have nearly given up on my already poorly soiled garden. Maybe there is hope for it after all.
Wally and I have spent the weekend tearing apart our soon to be rec room in hopes of omitting the paneling and making it a comfortable place to have a family room where kids can play and in the mean time (more importantly) movies and video games can be enjoyed.
Of course just like with any home improvement project this one quickly grew. We went from taking down loosely placed panelling and painting to repairing corners, filling a billion tiny holes and the unexpected disaster that was our once new (though very much despised by Wally) oak par cay flooring.
Apparently the issues Sweet had with my workout bench (that he got out by marking the workout bench) had seeped through the padding I had down for a workout area and sat on the wood, producing rotting flooring and even some mould.
Indeed our work (mostly Wally's work) multiplied.
Impressively though Wally was able to rip out the old, remove the mould and relay new tiles (that were left by the old owners) all himself. And though we had hoped to have had the room painted by now it should be ready to start tomorrow and with a little hard work should be done in a couple of days.
As for me, I've been busy experimenting a bit more with vegan baking recipes. Actually I just realized they were vegan a couple of weeks ago even though I've been trying many of them for a while.
As I've shared my struggles with you regarding food and my recent decision to enlist some help of good friends and very small attainable goals, I've also been hunting down some more variety in my clean eating pursuits. They've been going VERY well too!
In the past few weeks I've found amazing: Brownie cookies, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Just to name a few.
I've also found some great frozen cookies that are clean and easy to make and of course my favourite clean blizzard (soft serve made from a frozen banana!!!). Not to mention the clean granola I just made and cant' stop nibbling! Mmmmmmmmm.
I'm learning great tools and techniques to help me with my self control and how NOT to get down on myself for my vast imperfections. I feel really good. REALLY good about things.
In fact here are a few things I DON'T feel:
* Like I have to hold my breath until I loose a certain amount of weight and can eat the foods I really want.
Instead I am finding great (and I mean GREAT) clean versions of recipes I love and I feel no guilt about it and for some reason I am so much more able to keep my one clean treat a day rule no problem (of course, right now my idea of 1 clean treat is 2 or 3 cookies, they're small!!).
* Like I can't do it.
As I mentioned before I have chosen very attainable goals and from the reading I've done in food counselling the best way to achieve your ultimate goal is to break it down into much smaller goals that seem like no problem. Once I've aced those I can make change them a bit to get myself further to where I want my lifestyle to be.
* Fat, bloated or like a loser.
Nope. Instead I feel healthy, in control and successful (no, 'in control' isn't really related to 'bloated' ha ha!!)
In other news.... today was my 'long run' day and I completed once again my longest run yet = 4.5 miles.
I did well mentally through it and was able to actually just run and sort of enjoy my smutty music rather than feel like a Sesame Street Character rhyming off numbers every 30 seconds.
Overall my body co operated except for the last mile I felt as though I could literally lay down and fall asleep. No, I didn't feel like dying, just sleepy. AS Wally pointed out a product of not enough carbs - something every girl wants to hear!! (Btw, I had cottage cheese pancakes with fruit sauce mmmmmmmmm).
I was even more impressed that I finished as the air conditioning in the women's only section didn't seem to be working and it was much more humid in there than the rest of the gym.
I am beginning to realize that reaching a further distance will take the gusto out of you for the rest of the day. I need to be prepared for that in the next couple weeks as I get to my 6 mile goal (2 weeks!!! Although I just realized today that 10 K is actually 6.25 miles - boo!!)
Oh yeah and I can't forget to mention that I actually SIGNED UP for my 10 K race today!!!!! As did my new running buddy for that day! I'm so excited, scared and excited and scared :)
Tomorrow I am also starting to train with a friend of mine once a week. She's going through college to be a personal trainer (she was also my first piano student - weird!!!!) and I got thinking about how she might want some practice and I could use a new perspective while I train to be a trainer. Of course it's MUCH more affordable than signing up at the gym and we both get to learn as we go. I'm looking forward to being pushed again and doing some new things.
Well, Wally's watching a movie downstairs I might just go read a book or fold some laundry (so exciting!!). I love down time.
Cheers!
As I type we're having a down pour. Such a welcomed down pour.
After days without a real rain, combined with record breaking heat temperatures I have nearly given up on my already poorly soiled garden. Maybe there is hope for it after all.
Wally and I have spent the weekend tearing apart our soon to be rec room in hopes of omitting the paneling and making it a comfortable place to have a family room where kids can play and in the mean time (more importantly) movies and video games can be enjoyed.
Of course just like with any home improvement project this one quickly grew. We went from taking down loosely placed panelling and painting to repairing corners, filling a billion tiny holes and the unexpected disaster that was our once new (though very much despised by Wally) oak par cay flooring.
Apparently the issues Sweet had with my workout bench (that he got out by marking the workout bench) had seeped through the padding I had down for a workout area and sat on the wood, producing rotting flooring and even some mould.
Indeed our work (mostly Wally's work) multiplied.
Impressively though Wally was able to rip out the old, remove the mould and relay new tiles (that were left by the old owners) all himself. And though we had hoped to have had the room painted by now it should be ready to start tomorrow and with a little hard work should be done in a couple of days.
As for me, I've been busy experimenting a bit more with vegan baking recipes. Actually I just realized they were vegan a couple of weeks ago even though I've been trying many of them for a while.
As I've shared my struggles with you regarding food and my recent decision to enlist some help of good friends and very small attainable goals, I've also been hunting down some more variety in my clean eating pursuits. They've been going VERY well too!
In the past few weeks I've found amazing: Brownie cookies, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Just to name a few.
I've also found some great frozen cookies that are clean and easy to make and of course my favourite clean blizzard (soft serve made from a frozen banana!!!). Not to mention the clean granola I just made and cant' stop nibbling! Mmmmmmmmm.
I'm learning great tools and techniques to help me with my self control and how NOT to get down on myself for my vast imperfections. I feel really good. REALLY good about things.
In fact here are a few things I DON'T feel:
* Like I have to hold my breath until I loose a certain amount of weight and can eat the foods I really want.
Instead I am finding great (and I mean GREAT) clean versions of recipes I love and I feel no guilt about it and for some reason I am so much more able to keep my one clean treat a day rule no problem (of course, right now my idea of 1 clean treat is 2 or 3 cookies, they're small!!).
* Like I can't do it.
As I mentioned before I have chosen very attainable goals and from the reading I've done in food counselling the best way to achieve your ultimate goal is to break it down into much smaller goals that seem like no problem. Once I've aced those I can make change them a bit to get myself further to where I want my lifestyle to be.
* Fat, bloated or like a loser.
Nope. Instead I feel healthy, in control and successful (no, 'in control' isn't really related to 'bloated' ha ha!!)
In other news.... today was my 'long run' day and I completed once again my longest run yet = 4.5 miles.
I did well mentally through it and was able to actually just run and sort of enjoy my smutty music rather than feel like a Sesame Street Character rhyming off numbers every 30 seconds.
Overall my body co operated except for the last mile I felt as though I could literally lay down and fall asleep. No, I didn't feel like dying, just sleepy. AS Wally pointed out a product of not enough carbs - something every girl wants to hear!! (Btw, I had cottage cheese pancakes with fruit sauce mmmmmmmmm).
I was even more impressed that I finished as the air conditioning in the women's only section didn't seem to be working and it was much more humid in there than the rest of the gym.
I am beginning to realize that reaching a further distance will take the gusto out of you for the rest of the day. I need to be prepared for that in the next couple weeks as I get to my 6 mile goal (2 weeks!!! Although I just realized today that 10 K is actually 6.25 miles - boo!!)
Oh yeah and I can't forget to mention that I actually SIGNED UP for my 10 K race today!!!!! As did my new running buddy for that day! I'm so excited, scared and excited and scared :)
Tomorrow I am also starting to train with a friend of mine once a week. She's going through college to be a personal trainer (she was also my first piano student - weird!!!!) and I got thinking about how she might want some practice and I could use a new perspective while I train to be a trainer. Of course it's MUCH more affordable than signing up at the gym and we both get to learn as we go. I'm looking forward to being pushed again and doing some new things.
Well, Wally's watching a movie downstairs I might just go read a book or fold some laundry (so exciting!!). I love down time.
Cheers!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Real life: We're not 17 anymore
That reality has smacked me in the face a few times as of late.
Sometimes it has taken my breath away momentarily. Other times it has left it's ugly sting for several days or even weeks to remind me how fragile life and relationships really are.
Last night I had dinner with a good friend who after much alluding and only with the realization that I could be understanding, did she share that her husband has a porn addiction. Which he's been hiding for their entire relationship that spans a couple years shy of a decade.
In fact he didn't even know it was an addiction until she pointed out that if you can't stop while you're at work you have a problem.
It was difficult to hear her finally pour out the anger, hurt, devastation and betrayal she'd been hiding since she found out six months ago. It is clearly still raw for her and the anger and hurt on the surface.
I sat there letting her vent and trying to only listen and give a few words of my own.
The kicker for me was that at this point her greatest hardship was dealing with her bitterness with her church. Over the fact that one would daren't share their problem. That people better not find out (not so much her caring but more the people that were there that couldn't handle their perceptions being thwarted).
This evenings open conversation of truth comes 6-9 months after another of my friends revealed to another mutual friend and myself that she was having an affair on her husband.
She told us everything. Her faults, her lies, her truth, at least what we knew of.
I remember leaving the coffee shop that night and immediately texting Wally saying 'We need to talk as soon as I get home'. The talk wasn't regarding my friend, it was about us.
A similar conversation took place this evening when I got home.
It was the 'honestly I won't get mad', 'I just want you to tell me', 'if there's a problem can we talk about it' talk.
This hasn't actually been the first time we shared this particular conversation. Another good friend of mine found this out about her husband several years ago and was enraged so really last night was a 'has anything changed from last time' talk.
Some women that may have been deceived already in their lives about their partners actions may think it naive to believe my husband when we tells me his truth. But I'll be honest, his truth isn't always what I want to hear.
When I came home last night Wally was not in much of a mood to chat openly about is deepest thoughts and feelings on such things. Instead I could tell something was wrong, that I couldn't know and that he was upset and frustrated with my questions.
Can I just say that's not exactly what I girl whats to be faced with after a 2 hour conversation with a good friend on the secrets of her mate.
I quickly recognized his behaviour as last fall I had seen the exact same thing and had the exact same pit in my stomach grower deeper every moment of his avoidance.
It was the night after our car accident and we had been on our way home from picking out a new car. We'd put an offer in on a house and were nervously thinking about home ownership again. We were chatting about the finances and how the 'emergency' fund we wanted to have in place this time before buying a house wasn't quite up to snuff. We'd been down the road of owning and fixing up a home and knew the importance of having some savings.
Wally started out by saying: 'There's something I need to talk to you about.'
Eva has butterflies develop from unknown caterpillars. Some thing's wrong with his tone. He's been keeping a secret ... for a while.
Wally: 'I didn't' want to mention anything. Since we're thinking about buying this house I think I have to tell you.'
Eva getting hyper and panicked (what's new?!) 'What's wrong?! Are you losing your job?! Are you sick?!'
*Pause*
'Is there another woman?'
Wally tortures me with explanation (as he always does before getting to the answer): 'A few months ago I got approached to do a contract that would bring in a couple thousand dollars. I took it. During your work weekends and weeknight working I've been working on the contract.'
He continued ... 'I wanted to buy the anniversary band that you've wanted since we got married. I wanted to finally surprise you and have it wrapped up in the Christmas tree on Christmas moring.'
*Pause*
Wally: 'I just think that maybe the money should go in our emergency fund instead if we're buying the house sooner than we planned. I thought you should know about the money.'
Eva: stunned.
Wally: 'I even went to a jewelry store and picked one out. I thought it would be a great surprise .... and there'd be a little extra for me too.' *smiled all coy like*
Eva: 'Wow. That would have been amazing. That is amazing. I can't believe you'd do that for me. Thank you.' (still in shock).
In the end the money went into the emergency fund and there's still no ring but the better gift was hearing the story of how hard Wally had worked to try and give me something rather frivolous that I'd wanted since we picked out our $59 wedding bands.
I'll never forget it.
Last night as I gave give a quick mini interrogation while on hyper sensitive 'my friend just got stabbed in the heart by her husband you better be on the clear pal' alert. I knew we needed to just take the opportunity to chat as we always do when devastating and not so devastating news hits one or both of us.
I had a feeling and a hope that my fears would be averted. So in my first 3 questions I asked:
'Is it your job? Is it your family? Is it a surprise for me that isn't working out?'
He just looked me in the eye and said 'It's fine, don't worry about it.'
Of course after I share with him my evening and time went by he spilled the beans...
He had bought an ipod touch for me on line that got delivered and didn't work. He was going to have to return it. He used his own money to pay for half of it (we give ourselves an allowance each month and he does wheeling and dealing with his gaming stuff and contract work).
I actually hadn't asked for one. In fact when he said he thought I would get a lot out of having one I sort of brushed the idea off. He continued to point out all of the reasons I would love it: our budgeting, my running, my weight training and of course beginning an addiction he had with Bitizens.
Since I was so luke warm on it (because I'm no good with technology at the best of times) he made the decision himself and ordered one to surprise me.
Another one of his tries at a surprise foiled again.
The heart behind the matter wasn't lost on me though.
While I was out prepping myself for a lengthy, honest discussion that could sting a little with truth. Wondering all the while if our marriage was indeed ok, growing and even good, my husband was at home conspiring to finally pull off his first huge surprise of our 10 year marriage.
I told him this morning it didn't matter. Nothing about the ring last year or the ipod thingy yesterday mattered.
When he left for work I was sitting in my writing chair where he usually kneels down to kiss me good bye. This time I stood and met him at the door, skipped the kiss and gave him a two armed tightly squeezed hug and whispered 'Let's be married to each other forever. Promise we'll always talk and we'll always try'.
He whispered back 'I love hearing those words. Absolutely'.
We hugged. He left.
I said 'Thank you'.
This is real life.
Sometimes it has taken my breath away momentarily. Other times it has left it's ugly sting for several days or even weeks to remind me how fragile life and relationships really are.
Last night I had dinner with a good friend who after much alluding and only with the realization that I could be understanding, did she share that her husband has a porn addiction. Which he's been hiding for their entire relationship that spans a couple years shy of a decade.
In fact he didn't even know it was an addiction until she pointed out that if you can't stop while you're at work you have a problem.
It was difficult to hear her finally pour out the anger, hurt, devastation and betrayal she'd been hiding since she found out six months ago. It is clearly still raw for her and the anger and hurt on the surface.
I sat there letting her vent and trying to only listen and give a few words of my own.
The kicker for me was that at this point her greatest hardship was dealing with her bitterness with her church. Over the fact that one would daren't share their problem. That people better not find out (not so much her caring but more the people that were there that couldn't handle their perceptions being thwarted).
This evenings open conversation of truth comes 6-9 months after another of my friends revealed to another mutual friend and myself that she was having an affair on her husband.
She told us everything. Her faults, her lies, her truth, at least what we knew of.
I remember leaving the coffee shop that night and immediately texting Wally saying 'We need to talk as soon as I get home'. The talk wasn't regarding my friend, it was about us.
A similar conversation took place this evening when I got home.
It was the 'honestly I won't get mad', 'I just want you to tell me', 'if there's a problem can we talk about it' talk.
This hasn't actually been the first time we shared this particular conversation. Another good friend of mine found this out about her husband several years ago and was enraged so really last night was a 'has anything changed from last time' talk.
Some women that may have been deceived already in their lives about their partners actions may think it naive to believe my husband when we tells me his truth. But I'll be honest, his truth isn't always what I want to hear.
When I came home last night Wally was not in much of a mood to chat openly about is deepest thoughts and feelings on such things. Instead I could tell something was wrong, that I couldn't know and that he was upset and frustrated with my questions.
Can I just say that's not exactly what I girl whats to be faced with after a 2 hour conversation with a good friend on the secrets of her mate.
I quickly recognized his behaviour as last fall I had seen the exact same thing and had the exact same pit in my stomach grower deeper every moment of his avoidance.
It was the night after our car accident and we had been on our way home from picking out a new car. We'd put an offer in on a house and were nervously thinking about home ownership again. We were chatting about the finances and how the 'emergency' fund we wanted to have in place this time before buying a house wasn't quite up to snuff. We'd been down the road of owning and fixing up a home and knew the importance of having some savings.
Wally started out by saying: 'There's something I need to talk to you about.'
Eva has butterflies develop from unknown caterpillars. Some thing's wrong with his tone. He's been keeping a secret ... for a while.
Wally: 'I didn't' want to mention anything. Since we're thinking about buying this house I think I have to tell you.'
Eva getting hyper and panicked (what's new?!) 'What's wrong?! Are you losing your job?! Are you sick?!'
*Pause*
'Is there another woman?'
Wally tortures me with explanation (as he always does before getting to the answer): 'A few months ago I got approached to do a contract that would bring in a couple thousand dollars. I took it. During your work weekends and weeknight working I've been working on the contract.'
He continued ... 'I wanted to buy the anniversary band that you've wanted since we got married. I wanted to finally surprise you and have it wrapped up in the Christmas tree on Christmas moring.'
*Pause*
Wally: 'I just think that maybe the money should go in our emergency fund instead if we're buying the house sooner than we planned. I thought you should know about the money.'
Eva: stunned.
Wally: 'I even went to a jewelry store and picked one out. I thought it would be a great surprise .... and there'd be a little extra for me too.' *smiled all coy like*
Eva: 'Wow. That would have been amazing. That is amazing. I can't believe you'd do that for me. Thank you.' (still in shock).
In the end the money went into the emergency fund and there's still no ring but the better gift was hearing the story of how hard Wally had worked to try and give me something rather frivolous that I'd wanted since we picked out our $59 wedding bands.
I'll never forget it.
Last night as I gave give a quick mini interrogation while on hyper sensitive 'my friend just got stabbed in the heart by her husband you better be on the clear pal' alert. I knew we needed to just take the opportunity to chat as we always do when devastating and not so devastating news hits one or both of us.
I had a feeling and a hope that my fears would be averted. So in my first 3 questions I asked:
'Is it your job? Is it your family? Is it a surprise for me that isn't working out?'
He just looked me in the eye and said 'It's fine, don't worry about it.'
Of course after I share with him my evening and time went by he spilled the beans...
He had bought an ipod touch for me on line that got delivered and didn't work. He was going to have to return it. He used his own money to pay for half of it (we give ourselves an allowance each month and he does wheeling and dealing with his gaming stuff and contract work).
I actually hadn't asked for one. In fact when he said he thought I would get a lot out of having one I sort of brushed the idea off. He continued to point out all of the reasons I would love it: our budgeting, my running, my weight training and of course beginning an addiction he had with Bitizens.
Since I was so luke warm on it (because I'm no good with technology at the best of times) he made the decision himself and ordered one to surprise me.
Another one of his tries at a surprise foiled again.
The heart behind the matter wasn't lost on me though.
While I was out prepping myself for a lengthy, honest discussion that could sting a little with truth. Wondering all the while if our marriage was indeed ok, growing and even good, my husband was at home conspiring to finally pull off his first huge surprise of our 10 year marriage.
I told him this morning it didn't matter. Nothing about the ring last year or the ipod thingy yesterday mattered.
When he left for work I was sitting in my writing chair where he usually kneels down to kiss me good bye. This time I stood and met him at the door, skipped the kiss and gave him a two armed tightly squeezed hug and whispered 'Let's be married to each other forever. Promise we'll always talk and we'll always try'.
He whispered back 'I love hearing those words. Absolutely'.
We hugged. He left.
I said 'Thank you'.
This is real life.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Come run with me
I have shared with you what my training was like through one of my runs on my way to getting to 5 K. I shared what was on my mind and how my body was feeling. I was thinking about having reached 4 miles (approx. 6.5 K)and how my thoughts doing so on the treadmill were a bit different.
Join me as I step onto the treadmill ...
First things first we need to press start. Then 3 and 'ok' as to not feel like a snail. I then take a moment to gear up and start my precious ipod I barely know how to work. My play list is strategically organized to get me through approximately 42 minutes of running, for only the second time.
As I'm doing this I am remembering that I have to put the incline up to 1% as to imitate running on an outside surface. It's not the same but it is more challenging than 0 that's for sure.
I start my play list (which Wally has entitled 'Hyper Workout Action' on my little mystery machine). I get into a good pace to warm up with. I bump the speed up to 3.5 and I walk.
My new play list starts with 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars. One of those songs everyone loves to hate because it makes no sense what-so-ever...
'I'd catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on a blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you, you know I'd do anything for you ....'
He goes on to name a long list of things he'd do for this 'mad woman' who apparently doesn't love him back but that he'd still take a 'bullet to the brain' for. One of my favourite parts is when he says 'Tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from'. The day I actually figured out what he menat I commented to Wally what a smart thing to say that was, need less to say Wally shook his head and wondered why I hadn't caught that line forever ago.
It really makes no sense BUT it has a good beat and build which gets the blood pumping which is exactly what I need. By the time the song is over I'm generally ready to punch in the numbers 5.7 (I've been adding .1 a week the past couple of weeks to get me up to a 10 minute mile mark as that's considered a ok average of speed).
I take note that I've walked a quarter of a mile already so I will need to make sure the treadmill says 4.25 when I'm done.
Then I start running. It feels good and the song does too. I'm now listening to 'Price Tag' by Jessie J. After asking Glo what her play list was like one day she mentioned this song was on it, I'd considered buying it before but wasn't sure if it would be right for my run. That day I knew it would be perfect for my running when Glo left as now it immediately remind me of her.
I don't know who Moon heads, Coconut man and P (is that even right?) are but that's how she starts the song. It's a great song and has a decent message about 'making the world dance' and how life's not about the money. (You'll soon realize why I point out the good message in this song).
I run easily through the song. I feel good.
Next comes one of my guilty pleasure singers - Katy Perry. I want to not like her because I saw one of music videos for 'California girls' and I almost died laughing. I suppose it would be fun to have a bra that squirted whipping cream but I'm not sure how that makes a good music video or any intelligent sense. And Snoop Dog was in it to boot. Honestly I just think he's an odd looking guy. I can't help wondering every time I see him how he's rich and famous when he looks so scraggly and puny. Oh well, who knows?
I listen to her latest single and feel like I'm 12 years old listening to something rated R (for my time it would've been). I hear lyrics about 'Last Friday Night' and what apparently teenagers do (my parents would have killed me). I hear the lyrics about a menage a toi and blush hoping no one else in the gym can hear what I'm listening to.
I continue to run without issue. Near the end of the song comes my least favourite part where the group who's having a great Friday night start chanting 'T.G.I.F.' over and over and I detest it to no end. Don't know why really, I just hate it. I jog through it and focus on the fact a new song will come.
It does and I am embarrassed to admit I LOVE 'Don't turn out the Lights' by NKOTBSB. It took courage for me to download that one (and admit it to any readers!) because I was never a boy band girl. I thought they were silly and inappropriate. Clearly now any standard I ever had for music has flown out the window in the name of running further.
Anyhow I LOVE this song just cause it makes me feel cute.
*giggle*
By now I'm feeling good still but consciously breathing.
It's time to get serious...
This is when I start counting. We're on song 4 of 12. I start telling myself '1/4 of the way there! Good job!' (over and over).
Katy's back with her last single 'E.T.' It's just weird and I didn't like it at first but it's single status hearkened my ordinary 'I like what everyone else likes' side of me. It's beat is strong and stable to get me through to a place where I begin saying '1/3 of the way there. 1/3 done!'
As I write I'm noticing a trend.
My next song is 'S & M' by Rihanna. Yes this should be enough to keep me out of heaven for sure.
I was completely offended when I heard the one lyric about certain activities done in the air and how it smells (I'm so sorry for my honesty here!). Seriously, who writes this stuff?! However I am starting to wonder if this offensive crap is out there for us easily offended to get us ensnared. I have a love/hate relationship with this song. Unfortunately mostly love though as it gets me to run through song 5.
Now I'm entering the possibility of the half way point. For this I added an old song I used to love power walking to. It's by Joss Stone, 'Put Your Hands on Me'
Sounds dirty. Trend indeed.
Anyways, I LOVE it, gets me going (running!!).
I run listening to those lyrics pretending hands are being put .... on me baby (ha ha ha!!!). I love it! She's just awesome. How many people can put you from nearly done to ready to run another 2 miles (while feeling damn sexy at the same time - which is alot considering not often do I feel sexy at the gym!).
I hear a lyric regarding a screw and pretend it's regarding putting up a picture so I can avoid confession later (yeah, I'm not even Catholic but this play list makes me consider going).
Next song comes on and reminds me of why I'm doing all this crazy running. 'I'm a Survivor'. I thought the half way point was a good place to be reminded of this. I'm not really into Destiny's Child but hey these lyrics help remind me of how far I've come, in so many areas of my life. I'm proud of this.
I get to the next song, number 8 and I begin talking again 'Almost 2/3rds, almost 2/3rds.' Keep running. 'Song 8, Song 8, Song 8'.
Which is 'If I Never see Your Face Again' by Marroon 5 and Rihanna. No explanation, just like it.
By Song 9 I need to hear that I'm getting close so Lady Gaga makes her appearance at Eva's personal concert with 'The Edge of Glory'. I get mad at myself for knowing this is an over 5 minute song. Not cool considering I have 2 more songs after this, but I keep repeating 'Song 9, song 9, song 9' and 'song 3 of 3, song 3 of 3'. Over and over I say these things until the edge seems closer (which incidentally seems to take forever). The saxophone part chimes in I hate it for some reason and wish it didn't remind me of '80s music. Oh well.
Oooooo next comes one of my favourite guys. 'Felt good on my Lips' by TIm McGraw. This used to be number one on my play list for running but I thought it might trigger something in me to give me energy for the last part of my run. I listened to him on my official 5 K and he just does it. This is just a great song even though it's a random country song in the middle of some serious trash (but trash that gets me to my running goals).
I continue my self talk 'Song 10, song, 10, song 10' and 'song 1 of 3, song 1 of 3'.
Nearing the end I return to Katy Perry with 'Teenage dream'. Indeed to make me feel like one while inside I am quite confident I'm dying. Saying 'Song 11, song 11, song 11' and 'last fast one before the finale!!'
This one seems long too but I remind myself of my favourite last song to run to.
And it comes ....
'Perfect' by Pink one of my favourite singers for sure. Like I actually respect her (yeah, yeah, even though I don't know her).
The lyrics could be my anthem, sort of. 'Pretty pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel less than perfect.' Every 11 year old girl needs to memorize the lyrics to the entire song and believe them (well they should wait for the beer til they're of age). I just think they're .... perfect.
It's at this point I check my miles and see where I'm at and slow back down to 3 miles/hr and walk it out to Lady Antebellum's 'Just a Kiss'.
I then feel out of this world proud of myself (although Saturday I began feeling nauseous around song 9 and wanted to quit I hung in so by the end I really felt ill, but still so happy).
I carefully wobble off of the treadmill, clean it off and do my stretches.
I then take out my ear buds and believe I am the strong woman I was always meant to be but never believed.
I'm starting to.
Join me as I step onto the treadmill ...
First things first we need to press start. Then 3 and 'ok' as to not feel like a snail. I then take a moment to gear up and start my precious ipod I barely know how to work. My play list is strategically organized to get me through approximately 42 minutes of running, for only the second time.
As I'm doing this I am remembering that I have to put the incline up to 1% as to imitate running on an outside surface. It's not the same but it is more challenging than 0 that's for sure.
I start my play list (which Wally has entitled 'Hyper Workout Action' on my little mystery machine). I get into a good pace to warm up with. I bump the speed up to 3.5 and I walk.
My new play list starts with 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars. One of those songs everyone loves to hate because it makes no sense what-so-ever...
'I'd catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on a blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you, you know I'd do anything for you ....'
He goes on to name a long list of things he'd do for this 'mad woman' who apparently doesn't love him back but that he'd still take a 'bullet to the brain' for. One of my favourite parts is when he says 'Tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from'. The day I actually figured out what he menat I commented to Wally what a smart thing to say that was, need less to say Wally shook his head and wondered why I hadn't caught that line forever ago.
It really makes no sense BUT it has a good beat and build which gets the blood pumping which is exactly what I need. By the time the song is over I'm generally ready to punch in the numbers 5.7 (I've been adding .1 a week the past couple of weeks to get me up to a 10 minute mile mark as that's considered a ok average of speed).
I take note that I've walked a quarter of a mile already so I will need to make sure the treadmill says 4.25 when I'm done.
Then I start running. It feels good and the song does too. I'm now listening to 'Price Tag' by Jessie J. After asking Glo what her play list was like one day she mentioned this song was on it, I'd considered buying it before but wasn't sure if it would be right for my run. That day I knew it would be perfect for my running when Glo left as now it immediately remind me of her.
I don't know who Moon heads, Coconut man and P (is that even right?) are but that's how she starts the song. It's a great song and has a decent message about 'making the world dance' and how life's not about the money. (You'll soon realize why I point out the good message in this song).
I run easily through the song. I feel good.
Next comes one of my guilty pleasure singers - Katy Perry. I want to not like her because I saw one of music videos for 'California girls' and I almost died laughing. I suppose it would be fun to have a bra that squirted whipping cream but I'm not sure how that makes a good music video or any intelligent sense. And Snoop Dog was in it to boot. Honestly I just think he's an odd looking guy. I can't help wondering every time I see him how he's rich and famous when he looks so scraggly and puny. Oh well, who knows?
I listen to her latest single and feel like I'm 12 years old listening to something rated R (for my time it would've been). I hear lyrics about 'Last Friday Night' and what apparently teenagers do (my parents would have killed me). I hear the lyrics about a menage a toi and blush hoping no one else in the gym can hear what I'm listening to.
I continue to run without issue. Near the end of the song comes my least favourite part where the group who's having a great Friday night start chanting 'T.G.I.F.' over and over and I detest it to no end. Don't know why really, I just hate it. I jog through it and focus on the fact a new song will come.
It does and I am embarrassed to admit I LOVE 'Don't turn out the Lights' by NKOTBSB. It took courage for me to download that one (and admit it to any readers!) because I was never a boy band girl. I thought they were silly and inappropriate. Clearly now any standard I ever had for music has flown out the window in the name of running further.
Anyhow I LOVE this song just cause it makes me feel cute.
*giggle*
By now I'm feeling good still but consciously breathing.
It's time to get serious...
This is when I start counting. We're on song 4 of 12. I start telling myself '1/4 of the way there! Good job!' (over and over).
Katy's back with her last single 'E.T.' It's just weird and I didn't like it at first but it's single status hearkened my ordinary 'I like what everyone else likes' side of me. It's beat is strong and stable to get me through to a place where I begin saying '1/3 of the way there. 1/3 done!'
As I write I'm noticing a trend.
My next song is 'S & M' by Rihanna. Yes this should be enough to keep me out of heaven for sure.
I was completely offended when I heard the one lyric about certain activities done in the air and how it smells (I'm so sorry for my honesty here!). Seriously, who writes this stuff?! However I am starting to wonder if this offensive crap is out there for us easily offended to get us ensnared. I have a love/hate relationship with this song. Unfortunately mostly love though as it gets me to run through song 5.
Now I'm entering the possibility of the half way point. For this I added an old song I used to love power walking to. It's by Joss Stone, 'Put Your Hands on Me'
Sounds dirty. Trend indeed.
Anyways, I LOVE it, gets me going (running!!).
I run listening to those lyrics pretending hands are being put .... on me baby (ha ha ha!!!). I love it! She's just awesome. How many people can put you from nearly done to ready to run another 2 miles (while feeling damn sexy at the same time - which is alot considering not often do I feel sexy at the gym!).
I hear a lyric regarding a screw and pretend it's regarding putting up a picture so I can avoid confession later (yeah, I'm not even Catholic but this play list makes me consider going).
Next song comes on and reminds me of why I'm doing all this crazy running. 'I'm a Survivor'. I thought the half way point was a good place to be reminded of this. I'm not really into Destiny's Child but hey these lyrics help remind me of how far I've come, in so many areas of my life. I'm proud of this.
I get to the next song, number 8 and I begin talking again 'Almost 2/3rds, almost 2/3rds.' Keep running. 'Song 8, Song 8, Song 8'.
Which is 'If I Never see Your Face Again' by Marroon 5 and Rihanna. No explanation, just like it.
By Song 9 I need to hear that I'm getting close so Lady Gaga makes her appearance at Eva's personal concert with 'The Edge of Glory'. I get mad at myself for knowing this is an over 5 minute song. Not cool considering I have 2 more songs after this, but I keep repeating 'Song 9, song 9, song 9' and 'song 3 of 3, song 3 of 3'. Over and over I say these things until the edge seems closer (which incidentally seems to take forever). The saxophone part chimes in I hate it for some reason and wish it didn't remind me of '80s music. Oh well.
Oooooo next comes one of my favourite guys. 'Felt good on my Lips' by TIm McGraw. This used to be number one on my play list for running but I thought it might trigger something in me to give me energy for the last part of my run. I listened to him on my official 5 K and he just does it. This is just a great song even though it's a random country song in the middle of some serious trash (but trash that gets me to my running goals).
I continue my self talk 'Song 10, song, 10, song 10' and 'song 1 of 3, song 1 of 3'.
Nearing the end I return to Katy Perry with 'Teenage dream'. Indeed to make me feel like one while inside I am quite confident I'm dying. Saying 'Song 11, song 11, song 11' and 'last fast one before the finale!!'
This one seems long too but I remind myself of my favourite last song to run to.
And it comes ....
'Perfect' by Pink one of my favourite singers for sure. Like I actually respect her (yeah, yeah, even though I don't know her).
The lyrics could be my anthem, sort of. 'Pretty pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel less than perfect.' Every 11 year old girl needs to memorize the lyrics to the entire song and believe them (well they should wait for the beer til they're of age). I just think they're .... perfect.
It's at this point I check my miles and see where I'm at and slow back down to 3 miles/hr and walk it out to Lady Antebellum's 'Just a Kiss'.
I then feel out of this world proud of myself (although Saturday I began feeling nauseous around song 9 and wanted to quit I hung in so by the end I really felt ill, but still so happy).
I carefully wobble off of the treadmill, clean it off and do my stretches.
I then take out my ear buds and believe I am the strong woman I was always meant to be but never believed.
I'm starting to.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Stuff
I don't have any one thing on my mind today, I suppose that's pretty normal though.
A few things that ARE buzzing around it ...
* I accomplished my second 4 mile run Saturday which I am so pleased about considering I took last week off of training. I'm looking forward to completing 4.5 miles at the end of my week (or early next).
* I finally took sweet to the vets and we got some miracle pills that prove he has allergies of sorts. They worked immediately and we are soooooo thankful. Sleep has come back!
* I started my PT course and finished studying the first unit this morning. I have two more units until I take my first quiz (hopefully this week) and then to complete the next 30 units! I have learned that this is more work than I thought but am also noticing that the first couple of units are the most challenging. I am really looking forward to applying what I learn. I LOVE learning!!!
* I have decided to enlist the help of a couple of friends and my journal (which I've never really done) in my efforts to abandon binging on sugar and work through the emotional parts of it. There's much more I'd be willing to share on this but I don't want to sound like a broken record or overly focus on something that others may not care much about or understand.
I will say I have chosen to make very small changes and to do so over time. It's about a lifestyle and balance more than anything else. I have such a tendency to rely on food for happiness, comfort, excitement and so many other things that it's amazing to see these things once you try and get it under control. Needless to say I'm learning a lot in this area.
* I've been a reading machine lately. I just started reading 'The Kite Runner' and ALREADY highly recommend it for anyone (no it's not a chick book). Within the first two chapters the author's style had me completely hooked.
* I would love to start a site between people I know who are readers where we could use each other as libraries. You sign up, we keep a log and borrow each others books. I know, I know, it's called 'The Public Library'. It's just not the same.
* Wally and I have decided that we are going to pursue to be more social. We've realized that with school done and my weekends officially (most of the time) free of work it's time to prioritize hanging out together with other couples or people. Otherwise we're bored out of our minds (even though we have a thousand and one home improvements to work on ... life's about people more than things).
* Yesterday I said another good bye to a couple that hosted the home church that I went to several months after moving here. They are an awesome couple that Wally liked as well. They came out to our big party last year and had a blast! I enjoyed coffee with the wife several times and enjoyed her perspective. They have a 3 year old son with flaming red hair and 5 month old twin girls. By the way, they (the parents) are both doctors and now are on their way to begin new careers. I will miss them greatly!
* Speaking of home church, Wally and I have decided to go back together in the fall. I may have mentioned this already. I'm so excited to get back and to be doing so with my husband. I love the teaching and pray that we can build a community of family around us especially as we enter this new phase of our lives.
* Another this I don't remember if I mentioned or not: apparently my dad has been telling everyone and anyone that will listen that we are adopting. Yay!!
I should go weight train.
A few things that ARE buzzing around it ...
* I accomplished my second 4 mile run Saturday which I am so pleased about considering I took last week off of training. I'm looking forward to completing 4.5 miles at the end of my week (or early next).
* I finally took sweet to the vets and we got some miracle pills that prove he has allergies of sorts. They worked immediately and we are soooooo thankful. Sleep has come back!
* I started my PT course and finished studying the first unit this morning. I have two more units until I take my first quiz (hopefully this week) and then to complete the next 30 units! I have learned that this is more work than I thought but am also noticing that the first couple of units are the most challenging. I am really looking forward to applying what I learn. I LOVE learning!!!
* I have decided to enlist the help of a couple of friends and my journal (which I've never really done) in my efforts to abandon binging on sugar and work through the emotional parts of it. There's much more I'd be willing to share on this but I don't want to sound like a broken record or overly focus on something that others may not care much about or understand.
I will say I have chosen to make very small changes and to do so over time. It's about a lifestyle and balance more than anything else. I have such a tendency to rely on food for happiness, comfort, excitement and so many other things that it's amazing to see these things once you try and get it under control. Needless to say I'm learning a lot in this area.
* I've been a reading machine lately. I just started reading 'The Kite Runner' and ALREADY highly recommend it for anyone (no it's not a chick book). Within the first two chapters the author's style had me completely hooked.
* I would love to start a site between people I know who are readers where we could use each other as libraries. You sign up, we keep a log and borrow each others books. I know, I know, it's called 'The Public Library'. It's just not the same.
* Wally and I have decided that we are going to pursue to be more social. We've realized that with school done and my weekends officially (most of the time) free of work it's time to prioritize hanging out together with other couples or people. Otherwise we're bored out of our minds (even though we have a thousand and one home improvements to work on ... life's about people more than things).
* Yesterday I said another good bye to a couple that hosted the home church that I went to several months after moving here. They are an awesome couple that Wally liked as well. They came out to our big party last year and had a blast! I enjoyed coffee with the wife several times and enjoyed her perspective. They have a 3 year old son with flaming red hair and 5 month old twin girls. By the way, they (the parents) are both doctors and now are on their way to begin new careers. I will miss them greatly!
* Speaking of home church, Wally and I have decided to go back together in the fall. I may have mentioned this already. I'm so excited to get back and to be doing so with my husband. I love the teaching and pray that we can build a community of family around us especially as we enter this new phase of our lives.
* Another this I don't remember if I mentioned or not: apparently my dad has been telling everyone and anyone that will listen that we are adopting. Yay!!
I should go weight train.
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