Slaying dragons

Relapse.

Yes, when that word came to my mind this morning I realized that's exactly how I feel when I think about what has happened in the past few months.

I've had a relapse.

I know generally that word is saved for instances that involve drugs or drinking and their addict. Or perhaps an illness that endangers a life.

Though I know most wouldn't agree that's the case for me (and maybe it's not to that extent) I would say it is definitely what I've experienced and it's time I admit it to myself and to others.

If you've read this blog over the past couple of years you already know the 'issues' I have had with both food and my body image from the time I was 5 years old until this very day.

I have been having little flashbacks recently of the first time a kids called me fat. Possibly the first time I ever even KNEW that I was fat.

I was standing outside of my kindergarten room putting my shoes on to go home for the day, waiting for that bell to ring. When this first grader (who failed going through it the first time might I add), came up to me wearing the ugliest face in the world and said with the ugliest tone in the world 'You are so fat! You know that?!'

I'm pretty sure her face contorted all weird too when she said it. Like there was nothing worse than looking at me. Like my existence offended the world.

Little did I know that was only the beginning of would be the defining struggle of my life (at least thus far, and there have been plenty of seemingly worse things to have struggled with along the way - seriously, I struggled less with being molested!)

To people who grew up physically average, or just not picked on about being fat (I realize kids are cruel and they easily find other things to pick apart and I'm not the only one who was ever bullied in history), dealing with body issues is a much different challenge.

I've had friends who've gained weight later on in life that have said it was harder for them than for someone like me who grew up with it (being fat). In this moment I can't even figure out what their reasoning's were. I can't even try. It may have been the idea that they didn't know how to deal with gaining weight (because when you're fat from childhood you're a pro). They say it's more difficult because they don't realize what they've become in gaining the weight. Perhaps they don't believe they've actually gained it.

I think a friend told me once that it was hard to look back and see themselves skinny. I thought 'Wow, it must be nice to be able to see that in yourself. I could never say that'.

Even as I write these things the truth is right in front of my face but there's a clear disconnect between the truth and my brain.

All of the struggles that my formerly thin friends have I do too, only in the opposite form. They have a hard time accepting their new fat body the same as I have a hard time accepting my new fit body.

I know that they have looked at me different times through out my life when I've lost weight and said 'You have no idea what it feels like to be trapped in this body. You USED to be fat. I AM fat.'

My response is 'You have no idea what it feels like to be trapped in this mind. No matter how much progress I make towards a healthy life I can't seem to convince myself it's real. That it's me.'

Everyone thinks their struggle is the bigger one. I'm no different.

I didn't really want to write this post. To admit failure (in my brain I know it's just part of the journey, part of how I am getting to true success, that I really am getting closer to a healthier me - my mind is what keeps telling me I'm failing).

It's so incredibly humiliating to say 'I've messed up', 'I'm not there yet', 'I am seriously struggling so don't look at me as an example anymore!'

There was a time in the past year I honestly felt free, or pretty damn close to free. I felt good about my choices, definitely about my lifestyle and the healthy well rounded non restrictive way I was going about being balanced and healthy.

Although I will say that I never felt 'there'. I remember texting Dee on the anniversary of when I started with him and said 'I'm getting there!' and he responded with 'You already ARE there!!' I couldn't grasp that thought.

But after many changes through out the past year: going at completing the slaying of the dragon alone (once I was done with Dee), moving away from where my armour was kept, falling back into the thinking that a healthy life was a pant size rather than an ongoing positive lifestyle (and getting away with it for a while), all of these things have brought me back to a whole new dragon to slay.

In a way realizing that it's at least a different dragon is really very comforting. It means I've gone somewhere. When you journey somewhere new there are always new challenges but it means you've also learned a few more things along the way that will help you fight better.

You can never use the exact same techniques on one dragon as you did on the other. The principals are the same but there are always new things to learn to help you do better.

Though parts of me (ok most all of me) wants desperately to dig a hole and hide in my humiliation and embarrassment, there is a tiny piece of me that knows the Truth and will not let Eva roll over in defeat.

There's a dragon to slay damn it!

And a princess to be saved!

Excuse me while I suit up.

Things that make me feel amazing...

* Raindrops on roses

* Whiskers on kittens

(ok just kidding)

* Finishing a bottle of any cleaning supply, from laundry detergent to hand soap, from shampoo to body wash. It all feels amazing to finish. I don't know why it just does.

* A random e-mail of 'hello', 'congrats', 'you're so great', 'wanna get together'. Usually I'm the connector and the one that loves to get in touch with people but when they beat me to it, it's like Christmas!

* Finishing the longest run I've ever done (this one changes every time I pass my best). I feel like I can conquer the world (even though conquering the world take more than running 4 miles).

* The first bite of peanut butter chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory

* Getting a hug from someone who knows how

* Getting a minute to hold a new baby and marvel at it's miraculousness.

* Giving someone a pep talk and having them say 'Thank you so much, I feel better' and knowing they mean it.

* Watching real food grow in my garden (I can't say how excited I was when I saw my first zucchini!!!)

* Taking a few minutes to stand in the rain and smile with someone.

* Having someone 'get' me (especially my sense of humour).

* Catching up the laundry.

* Using up food in the freezer or fridge.

* Looking at pictures where I know people are so happy.

* Remembering our party. (I'm finally feeling the nostalgia out of it - more on that later maybe).

* A warm breeze while I'm sitting in a comfortable chair with my feet up and no where to go.

* Soft socks

* Hearing 'You are good at your job' from someone who means it.

* Having some one's face light up when I enter a room

* Hearing genuinely happy children play freely

* Having a clean kitchen

* Seeing 'No misspelled words' on the spellcheck.

* Time to think.

* A great sleep.

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget.

I don't mean just where my keys are (usually in the door), or my running jacket (somewhere running jackets usually don't live), or how to get to a friend's place somewhere in this city I live in (even after I've been there several times).

I mean sometimes I forget who I am. How far I've come. Who I've forgiven. How beautiful God made me (and others).

I forget that I am not who everyone told me I was when I was young. I'm not ugly. I'm not fat. I don't lack confidence and shy away from challenges.

I forget that I am able. I am fit. I make good choices and I love deeply.

I forget that I've overcome things that always seemed unbelievable to myself growing up or even just a year ago.

I forget that I'm a fighter, yet soft hearted inside.

I sometimes forget that I have intentionally created my life in most ways the way I want it to be. And ... that I love it (for the most part).

I forget that I have people that believe in me, that I'm not stupid or a failure.

I forget that I have the power to change my life like I've done many times before.

I forget that I can .... do anything I set my mind to.

I'm trying to remember.

I am beautiful. I am strong. I am more than able. I am a success. I am God's little girl.

One thing I love about being God's kid is that He is the perfect parent. He never punishes me inappropriately. He never tells me to stop crying because I'm fine. He never tells me 'sticks and stones ... blah, blah, blah'. He always listens, always hears, always loves and .... always remembers.

I'm working on remembering too.

I finally did it!

Well after a year of thinking about it I finally did it!

With Wally's support and encouragement, despite my mental struggles as of late surrounding fluctuating numbers I have enrolled to become a Certified Personal Trainer!!

There are many factors surrounding why I've waited so long to do this ...

* Would I look like a fraud trying to motivate others while continuing to struggle with food and body issues myself?

I decided for one thing I am just on a journey and there will be times I will go through smoothly and there will be times I will struggle and learn. Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean I am not supposed to continue on and follow the urge in my heart to do something.

I know that through learning more on a topic that interests me not only for my own health and fitness but very much for other women that may need a motivator that understands exactly where they are coming from and can hopefully encourage and be an example of how a real woman can overcome and build confidence to go after her dreams.

* Is this just a phase?

To be honest there have been times when I've doubted the idea of being a fitness trainer because it does seem rather vain on many levels and very much a cultural fad.

When I came back from Thailand especially I thought 'Seriously, what value would I be to the world teaching people about doing things that should already be naturally a part of their lives but aren't because of this crazy, lazy culture we live in.'

After a few months of contemplation I've come to the conclusion that for now Wally and I will be living in this North American culture where the reality is people don't know how to take care of themselves well, due to the industrialization of the food industry and the culture of getting everywhere five minutes ago (meaning driving cars instead of walking or biking). This is really just the way our culture works right now and rather than abandon an idea because in an ideal world it shouldn't be necessary I feel excitement at trying to work with it (along with my own story) to make things better in some way. Kind of like meeting people where they are at.

* Is it financially worth it?

As Wally and I begin to look more closely at our stewardship as of late and the idea of doing our best to live on one income I had to really think about whether doing this coursewould make any financial sense.

It's not a super expensive course, though more than a night course at a college and it is something that I will have to keep up every two years by doing additional courses of the same cost (but can be on different health related topics which REALLY excites me - Noutrition is next on my list!!).

However in saying this the certification is recognized around the world and highly esteemed. I asked my trainer for a referral for a noutrition course and this is what he recommended (I wasn't about to say I was thinking about becoming a trainer!)

In the end I will absolutely be able to train others in my home and likely even in theirs. This could be the extra income we want coming from me doing something I am passionate about. This also excited me greatly!

All in all I feel great about this decision (it really helps that Wally pushed me over the edge to do it with his support and mutual excitement) and look forward to continuing my journey of fitness.

Dee always said it was all about acceptance. Something I've struggled SO much doing.

Accepting myself, my failures and especially my successes. Also though, accepting a possible 'calling' to be healed through helping others.

This could be the greatest gift of all.

My hope is that by 2012 or sooner I will be a Certifies Personal Trainer.

I may not be the made up, perfect hair, cellulite free, ideal proportioned one that you have a difficult time relating to.

But hopefully that works in my favour.

:)

PRN - 5 minutes to sit down and shut up

I'm pretty sure I've written on this topic before but it's in my head reteaching me something again so I'll let the thoughts come out ...

Thursday night was not great. We went to bed and I tried to settle into some much desired sleep. Unfortunately Sweet's little Itchfest (2011) had just decided to start up. Included in the performances were: 'Thump, thump, thump, thump' played on the hardwood floor, 'Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch' behind the ears at his sides and under his chin, not to be outdone by the serenade of the notorious high pitched cry of the 'Howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwl' that liked play on repeat.

By midnight Wally and I had gotten after him (which seemed entirely unfair but we'd had enough, didn't he know that he's an animal and he should be able to control himself?).

I got up and was in a state of Mad Ladyness. I raised my voice (ok so I yelled) at him asked if he realized I just needed to sleep. Also wondering, in my distraught state, if he could just stop scratching? I got out of bed and picked him up hoping to mildly shake the scratchies out (no I didn't hurt him or anything, we were just having a heart to heart).

Wally and I put the light on to discuss the matter.

Though we were both perturbed about the inconvenient Itchfest occurring in our room at ungodly hours (for us), we still both felt bad for Sweet's own pain.

I decided to take Sweet to the basement tv room and try and have us get some sleep (or at least muffle his thumping on the carpet down there).

I set up my makeshift bed on the couch and put the tv on and watched 'Cupcake Wars'. Obviously that's what you do when you are exhausted and need sleep.

Obviously.

Sweet continued to scratch off and on but seemed to settle a bit. I finally shut the tv off between 3 and 4 am. I tried to settle as well.

Then the thumping returned.

And continued.

I lost it.

I lept off of the couch and crawled to Sweet (who had moved over to the door to satisfy an itch) to plead for him to stop and once again give all the reasons why sleep was so detrimental to my sanity.

He needed no convincing.

It was there in the middle of our tv room I stayed just out of reach from my little Sweet. It was there on the floor I gave up the idea of a comfy re cooperating sleep that night while Sweet revealed a new rendition of 'Thump, thump, thump, thump' played now on the door that wasn't closed tightly.

Wally walked in and found me in this precarious position at 6:30am sleeping. He tried to rustle me awake but I refused. He came back 40 minutes later to say goodbye and remind me of my workday that was awaiting me. I told him if I could have I totally would have called in sick because madness caused by sleep deprivation had settled in. I could barely handle the thought of dealing with what I knew would be magnified annoyances.

I managed to get myself up to the kitchen when I remembered we were having company for supper after work and I needed to do some clean up before I left for work, yet I wasn't exactly displaying my speediness yet that morning. As I went to throw something in the garbage in my efforts to clean up I slipped and barely caught my balance in my sleepy stupor while noticing the pool of dog pee that caused a near fatal accident (fatal for someone).

As I grabbed tea towel after tea towel to through on the gigantic mass of liquid I notice I knocked over a cup full of dog food that has sprayed all over the kitchen floor as well.

I think at that point I may have had another meltdown and perhaps voiced my madness to the universe, perhaps in an inappropriately loud voice.

Then I went and had my shower and got ready.

By the time I returned tot he kitchen I gave up every ambition I had for the day and decided my main priority was to live through as quietly as possible.

I moved slowly and somewhat hazily through the next several minutes.

I made a shake, I gave up hopes of taking my usual healthy lunch and snacks and gave myself permission to eat whatever crap that landed in my mouth that day (and it did land very well).

Then I finally took sweet and Sour out for what seemed to be pointless morning constitutional just in the yard as I had taken too much time up already.

Then I decided that the next 5 minutes might be best used sitting in the lawn chair on our less than impressive patio in the quiet of the morning. So I did.

I listened to the birds, I closed my eyes, and I surrendered my madness to the day.

I may have threw up a few prayers as well but as I was pretty out of it at that point I don't remember.

It was there while sitting completely still and realizing and accepting those 5 minutes of nothingness as my pill of salvation for the day that I recharged.

Well, sort of.

I didn't hop out of the chair with any more energy than I displayed before but I did get up with a little more faith that I would make it to the other side of the clock that day.

I felt a peace about the imperfections that may continue to occur and that seemed like enough.

And ... it was.

When I arrived at my first shift at 9am perfectly on time (after 1/2 hr of driving through the city) I noticed that the door to the house I was going was shut and locked tight. I knocked. No answer. Yet their car was there.

I knew no one was awake and any further knocking was pointless. I vaguely remember possibly promising to call about something else before that day's visit. I never called so likely they never expected me. My bad.

I prayed they indeed didn't expect me and I went on to do some important paperwork that I'd taken on for that person so as not to waste any time.

As I left I thought about how I could've been sick and it wouldn't have mattered but what could I do now.

Instead I spent 1 1/2 hours alone in Walmart creating a sheet of estimations for some one's new apartment writing down items, UPC codes and price tags. I then was thankful for my mistake as it was a calm and quiet time that I would've had to do with the person I was with (who would've complained and sighed for the entire time). At least I was accomplishing something.

My day continued on to get better even though I was exhausted (and thought 'Oh my goodness how do young moms survive????!!!').

By the end of our day we had enjoyed a nice meal with a great couple despite my honest madness.

I'm pretty sure what got me through though were those 5 minutes that didn't seem all that affordable at the beginning of the day.

5 minutes that I would sit down and shut up.

Moral of the story: when you are having one of those days where nothing's going right, time is evaporating, and you find yourself in a near fatal accident caused by dog pee and over tiredness ... take 5 minutes to sit down and shut up.

To be taken as needed, with eyes closed, outside if possible.

Sometimes they can save your life, or at least your day.

Patio Time

Patio time.

It's good to get some patio time.

I have a good friend I met at work that invited me over for some as she's currently on a week of holidays. And though she's a couple of years younger than I she's got a wisdom about our job that I envy. She's been at it for 10 years (yes, and she's only 28!!!).

During our patio we talked about our pending adoption and her awaiting for the school year to come. You see she's going back to college to do something that she LOVES in horticulture. She is so excited and I am too for her.

I said so. Then I added 'I'm so jealous.'

To which she replied: 'Oh my goodness what are you talking about?! You have great things happening too!!'

I added 'Well, yeah'.

Of course I by no means meant that my life wasn't engaging in it's own great things but I was seeing her follow a dream and going after it with guts and gusto. I could see how happy she would be to learn and live out her dreams.

Though I am completely ecstatic about becoming a mommy at the same time I wonder how we will provide without me having to work (at this point we are looking for ways for me to just alter my schedule a bit rather than cut it out completely like we'd both prefer).

I feel like I'm inviting stress as well as the hopes and dreams I've had forever.

For the past couple of years I've just become at peace (or more just to terms) with the fact that I will have to work so I better get used to it and learn how to do it.

Yet as I sat on the patio and thought about it I realized that I wasn't really allowing myself to consider the possibility of not working. I'd given up on the idea of being a full time at home mom. And the possibility that I could ever find a job that I sincerely loved and felt fulfilled by. So much that I could actually enjoy working a bit AND enjoy being a mommy too.

Now when I think of my job while trying to raise my kids (no matter how much I have to do it) I think of it as purely a means of income, not enjoyment, fulfillment or a calling. It's like the whole idea of just doing what I love and as a result being provided for is possible.

I think I honestly need to allow myself the opportunity to believe in the dream of both. Will it be easy? No will it be without sacrifice? Absolutely not. Will it come to me on a silver platter? I doubt it but I'm still going to ask for a nice shiny one anyways.

If we don't allow ourselves the ability to believe something is possible than I doubt that it really is.

I'm not saying I need excessive amounts of money or a life without strife, just a chance to explore what brings me and my family the most joy.

I've always been one to believe in and encourage others to not settle for what makes sense or looks right to those around me (or them). However I haven't always been the best example of it.

Perhaps the best challenge for myself this summer is not something like 'Eat at 5 new restaurants' or 'have a Hawaiian themed dinner party' but maybe it's more like 'try to live on one income for a couple of months', or 'make a list of things you love to do and creatively look at how you could make a business out of them'.

Maybe the answer to my stressors (at least in my mind) right now about the future are the challenge I need to take up. It could be a lot of fun. It certainly would be an interesting challenge to explore.

If you have any thoughts or ideas on this please share!

Things I ponder ....

* Is it just me or is passing gas while wearing a thong weird?

* Why does Wally get so annoyed when I keep saying 'We need to get a compost?' (He corrects me constantly that it is a COMPOST ER - ie 'Just like a lawnmower is NOT a lawnmow and a hairdryer is NOT a hairdry ...'

* Is it possible for me to come up with enough material to actually write a book and have it be good? (I'm considering putting more efforts into my writing again. Yeah, it comes and goes).

* Why do I keep leaving my keys in the front door? It drives Wally nuts!!

* I keep losing stuff. My itunes gift card, my keys (that's when I find them in the dorr), my running jacket, my shoes, my book, my money, my mind. Why can't EVERYTHING come with one of those beeper things on them that helps you find them?

* What is the mysterious thing that has Sweet awake scratching his ass off in the middle of the night?

* Why does Sour think he has the right to have a snarling fight over the occupancy of Sweet's bed in the middle of the night, giving Wally and I both heart attacks causing us to nearly jump out of our skin?

* Why do I keep coupons for places that offer deals on combos I'd never buy in the first place?

* Why do I feel like I could barf up my bananas right now?

* Am I getting arthritis in my joints? And do you think it will stop me from running my 10 K?

* Why can't your hair get cut the same twice in a row?

* Why can't the spell check in blogger fix ot into to, if it can recognize fo as of? (It's crap, that's why).

A few other whys in a word:

Mullets, rat tails, Velveeta, tube tops, white pants over bright panties, woman who wear their boobs mostly on the outside of their bras, men who wear sweat pants, diet coke sold at fast food restaurants, expensive lingerie, hairless chihuahuas, cats, rats, fleas, people who drive crazy in parking lots (my biggest pet peeve), bloating after eating something healthy, the lack of promotion in human services, nursing homes ... to name a few.

I don't know the answers but I can ponder.