I must confess.
I want to be a mama.
Yesterday.
I'm doing fairly well at staying in the moment and really not worrying about whatever happens but I think it's time for me to be real. I really do want to be somebody's mama.
This somewhat old realization scares most of me to death but then when I drive by teenagers hagning out with their possy with baby in arms and stroller before them I remind myself that considering what more (hopefully) I have to give (I hope I didn't sound too pompus, you get the idea), that I'll be able to do a mmostly decent job raising a human.
Wally wants it too, which is probably what makes me want it as well. For ever he was hesitant and reluctant to commit to the idea of purposefully pursuing the biggest, most important job in the universe.
He's not any more. I'm not either.
I find myself now in a familiar limbo of wanting something and being content.
tHE times I feel the struggle most is when I see people that either jump into it without a second thought (the ones that 'fell in love' 5 seconds ago and must 'seal the deal' with a baby), and those that found themselves there 'by accident' and perhaps don't appear ready (if that's even possible) to venture into this dreaded and envied position.
I support a young lady who lives with a family. In that family (though she doesn't live there) is a young lady who is 19 years old. She is, as my husband's grandmother would say, 'that way'. Within the next month or so she will welcome her first little one, along with her unemployed boyfriend, into the world.
Now I have a hard time condemning anyone for anything. I feel guilty for painting her in a negative light, for painting him in a negative light. THey seem like nice, yet very naive and immature, young people. It's not fair to them that I judge or decided what's right or wrong. It's none of my budiness.
I do know that when I walk into the house and see her sprawled on the couch with a nest in her hair, looking rather anemic week after week I wonder how it happened that I'm a 31 year old woman somewhat (I do only mean somewhat) jealous over this 19 year old girl who clearly needs a bit more time to grow before birthing her own little mini me.
I try to remind myself that to some degree I made a choice to wait. At the same time the other side of my mind tells me that I did try and give things a chance. Then I remember Wally and I just tried to do the best with the situations we found ourselves in, in order to avoid being unemployed parents (and yes I fully realize this could happen at anytime to anyone who has worked very hard, including us - I do hope you get the idea of what I'm saying though), with little but frustrated burned out bitter attitudes on life to offer our chilcdren.
I feel like I'm being real negative towards every family with kids that's ever found themselves in a less than ideal situation I'm not meaning things that way ... I hope you are getting my drift.
When I see that girl with her growing belly and frazzled hair I do my best to be happy for her chance to experience this miracle ... ok I'm lying I don't really try to do that. I do my best not to wish I were her, or wish I was anything else but me right now. I have a great life and no matter how it goes in the realm of children I will do my best to be joyful in all I have.
I know the dangers of jealousy and envy. Of discontentment in where you're at. There's no need for it because there's no truer saying that applies than 'The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'.
I am trying to enjoy my yard. Weeds and all.
In hopes that one day there might be little ones playing in it :)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Our Souvenirs
I have more experiences and stories to share surrounding our trip but I thought I would tell you about the two big things (for us) that we took away from it.
Now I'm going to warn you that they aren't going to seem like a big deal to anyone else, nor will they likely sound all that earth shattering considering some people would come home from a trip like this deciding to sell all they own give it to the poor and move back (though I'm a step away from that).
The first thing that struck both Wally and myself (while we were still in Thailand) was how the lifestyle there was so different.
For us much of it was because of a lack of Internet access, television, or any way to enjoy media of any kind. However I don't imagine that too many people (the poor ones anyways do). I mean if you are doing ok you can certainly have cable just like here, Internet and all that stuff for sure. But since we didn't bring a laptop to check e-mail while we were somewhere with wi-fi and our place didn't have anything else at all, we had only ourselves for amusement.
Most of the time we had there was used visiting the different parts of Compasio's work, visiting with friends or seeing new places but there was usually a pointin the day when we had a couple of hours of down time. Time we'd definitely usually fill with media (as I am right now).
We noticed immediately how much more time we seemed to have to talk, to read or just to sit together and we didn't even have very large chunks of time! A couple of hours seems like several with nothing else to do. (Of course we were on vacation and didn't have housework, dogs, yard maintenance, laundry or meal prep either).
Still we seemed to enjoy the benefits of little to no technology to distract us. I don't think we've ever chatted that much (and I think we talk quite a bit).
After the week in Mae Sot of no distractions we decided that life seemed much more relaxed, attentive, and rich with less time glued to screens and more time with quietness. We made the firm decision that when we got home we would commit to less tv, Internet and separate use of both of these things. By that I mean if we're on the Internet we'll now more often than not both be on it in the same room together. It sounds ridiculous I know, but it feels different.
We've decided to spend much more time upstairs in our more formal living room that holds no tv. If we want to watch something we'll just gear up the lappy and watch upstairs. I don't know what makes it so much different but it has. We're enjoying more limited time watching stuff and more time just hanging out when we can. As I mentioned before something about our relationship is different since the trip and it's great.
The second and perhaps more interesting take away from our trip would be the realization that we could definitely live in another country - I mean a foreign country, and be very happy.
Whenever I've ever imagined myself as a potential .... hmmmmm I don't know any other word but missionary though I don't know if it fits for this, you get the idea right? I've thought of painfully sacrificing any good thing I've had possession of: comfy bed, nice car, warm home, hot water, indoor plumbing, real food, and any other good thing in life.
After meeting and visiting the homes of many 'missionary' types in Thailand I realize that you can still live comfortably in another country. More importantly I know now I could get used to driving on the other side of the road, I could learn how to drive a motorbike (even though I didn't, nor did I try, I know the thought doesn't overwhelm me - I was just lazy), I could learn the language (I LOVE learning), I could make friends (unfortunately I am addicted to social time), I could adapt my eating (good bye clean eating but it is balanced with the fact you can choose to bicycle everywhere and work it off quite well) and many other things.
I adapted far better than I ever thought I would to the changes we experienced and though many would point out the difference a week is compared to a year I know in my heart how comfortable I felt there. I honestly was never for a second home sick for anything.
I know, I know, how could a week possibly be enough time to get homesick but just trust me.
This latter realization was true for both Wally and myself, surprisingly. While we were still there we chatted about the possibility of going back even if we did it just for the lifestyle change. Wally was open to the idea of doing the kind of work he does now only obviously it would be different in that he'd be working sort of on his own (he'd have to get contract work, but he could do it). I could devout my time to hopefully raising our kids and possibly working with an organization in their work with people. Wally could do that as well during his off time.
I'm not sure how likely it is to happen any time soon but I at least hope that some day we will return or go somewhere else to live if even for only a period of a year or so to experience a different lifestyle for ourselves and our children (if they ever decide to make an entrance). I don't ever want to get too comfortable in our life where we are right now.
Many people that I've talked to form here (Canada) assume that by saying 'we don't want to get comfortable' means we need to have wooden benches instead of couches, straw beds on hundred year old iron rod beds, hand me down clothes and not a screen in sight. That is not what I am talking about when I say we don't want to get too comfortable.
In my opinion it doesn't matter one bit what you have: a $700 car or a $50 000 car. Do you own it? Or does it own you? Are you comfortable giving whatever you have up so that you can answer a calling to do something different or to heed a realization? Or does having what you have make the thought of doing what you know is right more difficult?
I'm no saint what-so-ever (I just heard a thousand Amens) but I know, at least right now, I could sell my house, my car, my new leather couches that I got for a steal, my computer, my cozy bed that I enjoyed all the more when I got home, and a hundred other things if I felt called to go back to Thailand. The stuff in my life (at least right now) does not make me answer to it.
There are a few relationships that would be a challenge to deal with. Ones that wouldn't understand, ones that wouldn't agree, ones that just wouldn't like it.
I think it's those relationships that would be the difficult part. No one tell us to get rid of people that make us too comfortable.
In the end I don't think it's wrong to have wonderfully great things (it's all a matter of perspective on what's great anyways) as long as they don't determine your life, that includes how you share all you have (time, talent, money).
So, Wally and I may not have come back having changed the ways people expected we did change in ways we didn't and they were beautiful surprising gifts.
I do hope some day we get to experience life in another culture, it excites me to think about. For now we are hoping to do our best taking the best things we learned from Thailand and applying them to our life here.
Simplify. Quiet. Slow down. Give. Respect. Love. Listen. Feel. Act.
And if one day we are told, in a still quiet voice to go, we will.
Our souvenirs didn't come from a store. Ask any real traveller - they are the best ones.
Now I'm going to warn you that they aren't going to seem like a big deal to anyone else, nor will they likely sound all that earth shattering considering some people would come home from a trip like this deciding to sell all they own give it to the poor and move back (though I'm a step away from that).
The first thing that struck both Wally and myself (while we were still in Thailand) was how the lifestyle there was so different.
For us much of it was because of a lack of Internet access, television, or any way to enjoy media of any kind. However I don't imagine that too many people (the poor ones anyways do). I mean if you are doing ok you can certainly have cable just like here, Internet and all that stuff for sure. But since we didn't bring a laptop to check e-mail while we were somewhere with wi-fi and our place didn't have anything else at all, we had only ourselves for amusement.
Most of the time we had there was used visiting the different parts of Compasio's work, visiting with friends or seeing new places but there was usually a pointin the day when we had a couple of hours of down time. Time we'd definitely usually fill with media (as I am right now).
We noticed immediately how much more time we seemed to have to talk, to read or just to sit together and we didn't even have very large chunks of time! A couple of hours seems like several with nothing else to do. (Of course we were on vacation and didn't have housework, dogs, yard maintenance, laundry or meal prep either).
Still we seemed to enjoy the benefits of little to no technology to distract us. I don't think we've ever chatted that much (and I think we talk quite a bit).
After the week in Mae Sot of no distractions we decided that life seemed much more relaxed, attentive, and rich with less time glued to screens and more time with quietness. We made the firm decision that when we got home we would commit to less tv, Internet and separate use of both of these things. By that I mean if we're on the Internet we'll now more often than not both be on it in the same room together. It sounds ridiculous I know, but it feels different.
We've decided to spend much more time upstairs in our more formal living room that holds no tv. If we want to watch something we'll just gear up the lappy and watch upstairs. I don't know what makes it so much different but it has. We're enjoying more limited time watching stuff and more time just hanging out when we can. As I mentioned before something about our relationship is different since the trip and it's great.
The second and perhaps more interesting take away from our trip would be the realization that we could definitely live in another country - I mean a foreign country, and be very happy.
Whenever I've ever imagined myself as a potential .... hmmmmm I don't know any other word but missionary though I don't know if it fits for this, you get the idea right? I've thought of painfully sacrificing any good thing I've had possession of: comfy bed, nice car, warm home, hot water, indoor plumbing, real food, and any other good thing in life.
After meeting and visiting the homes of many 'missionary' types in Thailand I realize that you can still live comfortably in another country. More importantly I know now I could get used to driving on the other side of the road, I could learn how to drive a motorbike (even though I didn't, nor did I try, I know the thought doesn't overwhelm me - I was just lazy), I could learn the language (I LOVE learning), I could make friends (unfortunately I am addicted to social time), I could adapt my eating (good bye clean eating but it is balanced with the fact you can choose to bicycle everywhere and work it off quite well) and many other things.
I adapted far better than I ever thought I would to the changes we experienced and though many would point out the difference a week is compared to a year I know in my heart how comfortable I felt there. I honestly was never for a second home sick for anything.
I know, I know, how could a week possibly be enough time to get homesick but just trust me.
This latter realization was true for both Wally and myself, surprisingly. While we were still there we chatted about the possibility of going back even if we did it just for the lifestyle change. Wally was open to the idea of doing the kind of work he does now only obviously it would be different in that he'd be working sort of on his own (he'd have to get contract work, but he could do it). I could devout my time to hopefully raising our kids and possibly working with an organization in their work with people. Wally could do that as well during his off time.
I'm not sure how likely it is to happen any time soon but I at least hope that some day we will return or go somewhere else to live if even for only a period of a year or so to experience a different lifestyle for ourselves and our children (if they ever decide to make an entrance). I don't ever want to get too comfortable in our life where we are right now.
Many people that I've talked to form here (Canada) assume that by saying 'we don't want to get comfortable' means we need to have wooden benches instead of couches, straw beds on hundred year old iron rod beds, hand me down clothes and not a screen in sight. That is not what I am talking about when I say we don't want to get too comfortable.
In my opinion it doesn't matter one bit what you have: a $700 car or a $50 000 car. Do you own it? Or does it own you? Are you comfortable giving whatever you have up so that you can answer a calling to do something different or to heed a realization? Or does having what you have make the thought of doing what you know is right more difficult?
I'm no saint what-so-ever (I just heard a thousand Amens) but I know, at least right now, I could sell my house, my car, my new leather couches that I got for a steal, my computer, my cozy bed that I enjoyed all the more when I got home, and a hundred other things if I felt called to go back to Thailand. The stuff in my life (at least right now) does not make me answer to it.
There are a few relationships that would be a challenge to deal with. Ones that wouldn't understand, ones that wouldn't agree, ones that just wouldn't like it.
I think it's those relationships that would be the difficult part. No one tell us to get rid of people that make us too comfortable.
In the end I don't think it's wrong to have wonderfully great things (it's all a matter of perspective on what's great anyways) as long as they don't determine your life, that includes how you share all you have (time, talent, money).
So, Wally and I may not have come back having changed the ways people expected we did change in ways we didn't and they were beautiful surprising gifts.
I do hope some day we get to experience life in another culture, it excites me to think about. For now we are hoping to do our best taking the best things we learned from Thailand and applying them to our life here.
Simplify. Quiet. Slow down. Give. Respect. Love. Listen. Feel. Act.
And if one day we are told, in a still quiet voice to go, we will.
Our souvenirs didn't come from a store. Ask any real traveller - they are the best ones.
Friday, April 8, 2011
1 week
That's how long we've been back 'home' since our rather short stint to the other side of the world.
A few things we've experienced ...
* An incredibly difficult adjustment in our sleep schedules, including: waking up generally after only 6 hours of sleep each night then both hitting a 'wall' around 3 or 4 in the afternoon.
Wally is much better than I at disciplining himself to stay in bed when he can't sleep. Prompting his body to fall back into at least some sort of slumber.
I, though, am a different sort and continue to battle with the same sleep dilemma I did before leaving only much intensified. I've had to force early morning naps (Wednesday from 9-10am and this am from 5:40-7-8am). I'm hoping we're close to ending this game soon.
Needless to say jet lag has been a magnified version of my regular sleep problems which has been less than a picnic.
* Wally and I have stayed true to our desire to spend more time on the main floor of our house - this has to do with the fact our computer and television is downstairs and is part of the 1 of 2 things we learned while away. I'll blog about those soon!
By doing so we've both felt less distracted during our time together and have since limited our tv watching to at most 1 hr in an evening (that is when we are even home together - only 2 nights this week). It's been a very good decision.
* As mentioned in my last couple of posts, I've made some serious decisions surrounding my work. Deciding to cut back on hours and trying to focus on doing work that I connect with both where I'm at and in exploring new ventures.
I am currently looking into volunteer opportunities within the city and ideas of income generating opportunities for women that Compasio works with and how I might be a part of getting something off of the ground there using a big chunk of the funds I'm raising. This one seems huge but I figure if I can work on making a few connections and learning as I go maybe I can help with it. We'll see where it goes.
* I had a few great visits with friends that have truly supported my venture to visit Thailand. I have really appreciated all of their encouragement and interest in this endeavour and honestly couldn't have done it without them, or at least I wouldn't have gotten as much out of it as I have - they inspired me without knowing it. For that and their friendship I am so grateful.
* I've learned this week that I have more of a community around me in those fore mentioned friends than I thought. I've received words of wisdom, encouragement and knowledge from them in how they see me and my life. They've been a mirror to me and shown me things in my own life that I could not see myself and they are there when I need them. I can't say that about everyone in my life.
* There have been moments that I've wondered if Thailand was just a romantic experience that I had without true love. Then I realized that it was actually only a first date, however every great love story has some sort of first date.
Though the first few days back I missed Thailand terribly and my heart ached to be back there, to feel free again. I am trying to ease myself back to the reality that is currently my life in a manner that will keep me close to my love.
This means remembering the wonderful things I received on my 'first date', looking at them as reminders, honouring them with my commitment to live truly and balancing what I know is real in life within the culture I am living. I am doing my best to learn how to live here presently rather than longing for something that it isn't yet time for.
* I have noticed something quietly different about mine and Wally's relationship since Thailand. There's something gentler about it. I like it.
Actually ... I love it.
I'd say overall that the week back to our life here in Canada has gone fairly well (aside from a disappointment here and there). I'm desperately holding tightly to our memories that I fear will pass us by too soon.
My biggest fear is that I'll forget.
I'll forget what happened. I'll forget what we saw. I'll forget what we felt. I'll forget to keep loving.
It's been 1 week since we said 'see you later'.
I wonder how many more weeks I'll have to wait to say 'Hello! I missed you! So glad to be home :)'
I'm already dreaming ...
A few things we've experienced ...
* An incredibly difficult adjustment in our sleep schedules, including: waking up generally after only 6 hours of sleep each night then both hitting a 'wall' around 3 or 4 in the afternoon.
Wally is much better than I at disciplining himself to stay in bed when he can't sleep. Prompting his body to fall back into at least some sort of slumber.
I, though, am a different sort and continue to battle with the same sleep dilemma I did before leaving only much intensified. I've had to force early morning naps (Wednesday from 9-10am and this am from 5:40-7-8am). I'm hoping we're close to ending this game soon.
Needless to say jet lag has been a magnified version of my regular sleep problems which has been less than a picnic.
* Wally and I have stayed true to our desire to spend more time on the main floor of our house - this has to do with the fact our computer and television is downstairs and is part of the 1 of 2 things we learned while away. I'll blog about those soon!
By doing so we've both felt less distracted during our time together and have since limited our tv watching to at most 1 hr in an evening (that is when we are even home together - only 2 nights this week). It's been a very good decision.
* As mentioned in my last couple of posts, I've made some serious decisions surrounding my work. Deciding to cut back on hours and trying to focus on doing work that I connect with both where I'm at and in exploring new ventures.
I am currently looking into volunteer opportunities within the city and ideas of income generating opportunities for women that Compasio works with and how I might be a part of getting something off of the ground there using a big chunk of the funds I'm raising. This one seems huge but I figure if I can work on making a few connections and learning as I go maybe I can help with it. We'll see where it goes.
* I had a few great visits with friends that have truly supported my venture to visit Thailand. I have really appreciated all of their encouragement and interest in this endeavour and honestly couldn't have done it without them, or at least I wouldn't have gotten as much out of it as I have - they inspired me without knowing it. For that and their friendship I am so grateful.
* I've learned this week that I have more of a community around me in those fore mentioned friends than I thought. I've received words of wisdom, encouragement and knowledge from them in how they see me and my life. They've been a mirror to me and shown me things in my own life that I could not see myself and they are there when I need them. I can't say that about everyone in my life.
* There have been moments that I've wondered if Thailand was just a romantic experience that I had without true love. Then I realized that it was actually only a first date, however every great love story has some sort of first date.
Though the first few days back I missed Thailand terribly and my heart ached to be back there, to feel free again. I am trying to ease myself back to the reality that is currently my life in a manner that will keep me close to my love.
This means remembering the wonderful things I received on my 'first date', looking at them as reminders, honouring them with my commitment to live truly and balancing what I know is real in life within the culture I am living. I am doing my best to learn how to live here presently rather than longing for something that it isn't yet time for.
* I have noticed something quietly different about mine and Wally's relationship since Thailand. There's something gentler about it. I like it.
Actually ... I love it.
I'd say overall that the week back to our life here in Canada has gone fairly well (aside from a disappointment here and there). I'm desperately holding tightly to our memories that I fear will pass us by too soon.
My biggest fear is that I'll forget.
I'll forget what happened. I'll forget what we saw. I'll forget what we felt. I'll forget to keep loving.
It's been 1 week since we said 'see you later'.
I wonder how many more weeks I'll have to wait to say 'Hello! I missed you! So glad to be home :)'
I'm already dreaming ...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sorry 'bout that!
For the horrific spelling and lack of editing in my last post.
It was my second try at it and I was tired.
I just can't live without spell check ..... or sleep :(
It was my second try at it and I was tired.
I just can't live without spell check ..... or sleep :(
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A chain of unexpected events ....
I had a meeting with my manager yesterday. That wasn't unexpected. What happened in it was.
I am not much different than a lot of people. I experience a certain level of anxiety before returning to work after being away. I've often wondered if the going back to work part of a vacation is even worth going on the vacation.
I was surprised to learn that this time the transition was a little different.
It was different because it wasn't so much the diving back into who knows what that bothered me but the entire idea of going back to a job that hasn't satisfied me much at all lately. And considering my passionate stand on living life true to yourself, your call in life and being at peace with both of these things this didn't bode well with my spirit.
I was beginning (before I even left for Thailand) to feel like I was lying both to myself and those around me about living honestly.
Why so challenging all of a sudden? Well perhaps mostly because of my pride. Because who wants to admit, after going to college for the first time at 28 yrs of age they don't LOVE what they do? Who wants to admit they ultimately forced the selling of their home so they could 'scratch the itch' of wanting to learn academically, and then later learn they don't like the outcome all that much?
I don't.
I don't really want to tell people 'Yeah, so, after all that I hate my job'. Of course part of the reason I don't want to say that is because it's not entirely true.
There are many of parts of my job that I love. I love the people I get to meet and know. I love the stories I hear. The 'this would only happen in this job' experiences. Mostly though I think I love fighting for the 'underdog'. Advocating for those who don't have a voice (figuratively and literally speaking), evening if you are fighting someone that's supposed to be on the same team as you.
As I spoke to people openly after Thailand about returning to work,I fully disclosed that if I was free to, I'd absolutely be home right now packing up my life and heading back on a plane to where I was. To settle in and finally give life to an undiscovered dream that I always wondered about.
Quitting my job wouldn't ever be a question in that case.
However, as I shared with people the unfulfillment in my work, I always threw in the disclaimer that said 'But, there's this one shift that gives me life, a spark of fulfillment and excitement. It's that shift that keeps me going and gives me a reason not to throw the baby out with the bath water.'
So yesterday when I went into meet with my manager I had several thoughts swirling about in my mind...
'I'd love to just say - I quit. I'd love to just through in the towel. I'm bored, tired and unstimulated. This isn't for me - good bye.'
Then there was the grounded thought wave ...
'Everything's fine, it's going well, I'm happy with everything. See you in 8 weeks.'
After discussing briefly with Wally the idea of me giving up the only weekend shift I had (one I actually enjoyed but was an all day Sunday shift) I told him that I'd give work another whirl and not think about changing anything until my next meeting in a couple months. I didn't want to be rash and emotional about it.
Wally had left around 7:15am and somewhere between then and 8 am when I left for my first shift before my impending meeting I decided that I was going into that meeting and getting rid of my weekend shift, because I knew that would just simply make me happy.
I realized as I thought about it and got excited that I needed to this before I really started to resent my work. I wouldn't ask for a thing in return, I would just lose the hours.
I was admittedly shocked at my decision. This wasn't like me. It would greatly alter my pay cheque and I had yet to secure another shift, job or possibility. I was simply putting what I knew was right for me (and Wally I think) ahead of any of it.
Also shocking was that I didn't discuss this with Wally ahead. We always talk about stuff like this, big or small first to make sure we're on the same page. I was going on a hunch that this wasn't just me being selfish but that I was being led to make this decision.
When the time came I entered my manager's office. It was 10:30am, I had already had a couple of great chats with co workers before the meeting and felt good about my decision. That is until I got some news ...
First order of business. I was notified that the shift that fulfilled my aspirations and gave me an element of 'you're good at what you do', the only one really that I felt absolutely great in every way about (probably because I had to advocate my ass off for the person and got to ruffle a feather or two and I love that!!), was being taken away and given to a full time staff that needed the hours due to the passing of another person supported.
There are two things I must mention here: the shift was technically 'temporary' as I was filling it for someone who was in a temporary position that had just gone permanent therefore putting the hours 'up for sale'. And of course a full time person trumps a part time person in their 1 year waiting period (by a mile).
It didn't matter that the fit may not be right (even the person taking the shift asked for something else and apologized to me - even though they absolutely had nothing to apologize for).
I knew all along that the shift wasn't mine, however I was told the chances were high that I would get it as I'd been doing it for a 9 months, learned everything about the person, developed a good re pore, and was one of two of the main go-to people for all of her needs. I did all of her budgeting, many appointments, communication with her day program, and very hard advocating for this person to go on an agency cruise she'd signed herself up for - that really she could barely afford to go on.
I was stunned. In fact I'm sure there's an imprint from the 2 x 4 on my face that I got hit by.
I breathed my way through not crying and as I was being told it was followed up with 'You're a great member of the team (that's like telling someone 'you are a great breather') .... oh, and you'll be training the new staff starting next week.'
I knew that it would be perceived that I was upset about the loss of hours. Seeing as what I would say next, I hoped it was understood that wasn't the case.
I was already nervous about giving up my Sunday shift but this added to the emotion. I hadn't calculated where my hours would be. However at this point I didn't care, I would worry about that later (if at all).
Still reeling from the news I announce my desire for weekends off to be free to be with my husband and for friends and family. I make it clear I want nothing in return.
It was meant with no resistance. Just a few notes jotted down.
Calculations were made to see that I went from 39 hrs one week, 29 hrs the other (a perfect 34 hr schedule average), to 24 hrs and 25 hrs (plus still 2 hrs temporary on top).
Wow. I couldn't believe it. I went from giving up 8 hrs per pay to losing 15 hrs in a matter of a half hour. This wasn't in the plan.
I left the meeting in shock. In shock over my decision to get my weekends back, in shock over what I felt was an injustice done to not only myself and all of the heart I poured into the person I supported's life, but also the injustice done to them. Their other main worker is going on mat leave in a few months thus leaving her with no more advocates (well I'm assuming the future a bit).
I can honestly say I don't give a rip about the hours which at this point will calculate into a much smaller pay cheque, but a bitterness is developing surrounding the agency I am at.
Now as I say this I am well aware I need to nip it in the bud. I am well aware that all agencies are similar in their approach to how the operation works. I am well aware that numbers trump people more often than anyone wants.
That doesn't change the grief I feel over it one bit.
One of my co worker friends who I greatly respect told me Sunday night how much I needed to quit because I was so depressed/disappointed with my work. Or, she suggested go down to 25 hrs a week ...
After I thought on it a bit I decided that perhaps what was happening was all happening to free me up. To let the best things come. To encourage me to stop having to control every twist and turn of my life.
Part of the reason I held onto the Sunday shift was because I was thinking ahead to after we have kids and what would work best. Really I was worrying and solving problems that didn't even exist yet. In doing so I was creating unnecessary problems and great unhappiness for myself now.
That's crazy!!
I now have a much greater sense of freedom to experiment and explore what might be around the corner for me next.
I have known since last June this is what I should be doing but could never bring myself to do it. Well, here I am. Unplanned and unexpected but very present are infinite possibilities...
For the first time ever I am going to consciously try to NOT achieve anything except letting the good stuff find me.
Hopefully it will be exciting to see what opens up ...
I am not much different than a lot of people. I experience a certain level of anxiety before returning to work after being away. I've often wondered if the going back to work part of a vacation is even worth going on the vacation.
I was surprised to learn that this time the transition was a little different.
It was different because it wasn't so much the diving back into who knows what that bothered me but the entire idea of going back to a job that hasn't satisfied me much at all lately. And considering my passionate stand on living life true to yourself, your call in life and being at peace with both of these things this didn't bode well with my spirit.
I was beginning (before I even left for Thailand) to feel like I was lying both to myself and those around me about living honestly.
Why so challenging all of a sudden? Well perhaps mostly because of my pride. Because who wants to admit, after going to college for the first time at 28 yrs of age they don't LOVE what they do? Who wants to admit they ultimately forced the selling of their home so they could 'scratch the itch' of wanting to learn academically, and then later learn they don't like the outcome all that much?
I don't.
I don't really want to tell people 'Yeah, so, after all that I hate my job'. Of course part of the reason I don't want to say that is because it's not entirely true.
There are many of parts of my job that I love. I love the people I get to meet and know. I love the stories I hear. The 'this would only happen in this job' experiences. Mostly though I think I love fighting for the 'underdog'. Advocating for those who don't have a voice (figuratively and literally speaking), evening if you are fighting someone that's supposed to be on the same team as you.
As I spoke to people openly after Thailand about returning to work,I fully disclosed that if I was free to, I'd absolutely be home right now packing up my life and heading back on a plane to where I was. To settle in and finally give life to an undiscovered dream that I always wondered about.
Quitting my job wouldn't ever be a question in that case.
However, as I shared with people the unfulfillment in my work, I always threw in the disclaimer that said 'But, there's this one shift that gives me life, a spark of fulfillment and excitement. It's that shift that keeps me going and gives me a reason not to throw the baby out with the bath water.'
So yesterday when I went into meet with my manager I had several thoughts swirling about in my mind...
'I'd love to just say - I quit. I'd love to just through in the towel. I'm bored, tired and unstimulated. This isn't for me - good bye.'
Then there was the grounded thought wave ...
'Everything's fine, it's going well, I'm happy with everything. See you in 8 weeks.'
After discussing briefly with Wally the idea of me giving up the only weekend shift I had (one I actually enjoyed but was an all day Sunday shift) I told him that I'd give work another whirl and not think about changing anything until my next meeting in a couple months. I didn't want to be rash and emotional about it.
Wally had left around 7:15am and somewhere between then and 8 am when I left for my first shift before my impending meeting I decided that I was going into that meeting and getting rid of my weekend shift, because I knew that would just simply make me happy.
I realized as I thought about it and got excited that I needed to this before I really started to resent my work. I wouldn't ask for a thing in return, I would just lose the hours.
I was admittedly shocked at my decision. This wasn't like me. It would greatly alter my pay cheque and I had yet to secure another shift, job or possibility. I was simply putting what I knew was right for me (and Wally I think) ahead of any of it.
Also shocking was that I didn't discuss this with Wally ahead. We always talk about stuff like this, big or small first to make sure we're on the same page. I was going on a hunch that this wasn't just me being selfish but that I was being led to make this decision.
When the time came I entered my manager's office. It was 10:30am, I had already had a couple of great chats with co workers before the meeting and felt good about my decision. That is until I got some news ...
First order of business. I was notified that the shift that fulfilled my aspirations and gave me an element of 'you're good at what you do', the only one really that I felt absolutely great in every way about (probably because I had to advocate my ass off for the person and got to ruffle a feather or two and I love that!!), was being taken away and given to a full time staff that needed the hours due to the passing of another person supported.
There are two things I must mention here: the shift was technically 'temporary' as I was filling it for someone who was in a temporary position that had just gone permanent therefore putting the hours 'up for sale'. And of course a full time person trumps a part time person in their 1 year waiting period (by a mile).
It didn't matter that the fit may not be right (even the person taking the shift asked for something else and apologized to me - even though they absolutely had nothing to apologize for).
I knew all along that the shift wasn't mine, however I was told the chances were high that I would get it as I'd been doing it for a 9 months, learned everything about the person, developed a good re pore, and was one of two of the main go-to people for all of her needs. I did all of her budgeting, many appointments, communication with her day program, and very hard advocating for this person to go on an agency cruise she'd signed herself up for - that really she could barely afford to go on.
I was stunned. In fact I'm sure there's an imprint from the 2 x 4 on my face that I got hit by.
I breathed my way through not crying and as I was being told it was followed up with 'You're a great member of the team (that's like telling someone 'you are a great breather') .... oh, and you'll be training the new staff starting next week.'
I knew that it would be perceived that I was upset about the loss of hours. Seeing as what I would say next, I hoped it was understood that wasn't the case.
I was already nervous about giving up my Sunday shift but this added to the emotion. I hadn't calculated where my hours would be. However at this point I didn't care, I would worry about that later (if at all).
Still reeling from the news I announce my desire for weekends off to be free to be with my husband and for friends and family. I make it clear I want nothing in return.
It was meant with no resistance. Just a few notes jotted down.
Calculations were made to see that I went from 39 hrs one week, 29 hrs the other (a perfect 34 hr schedule average), to 24 hrs and 25 hrs (plus still 2 hrs temporary on top).
Wow. I couldn't believe it. I went from giving up 8 hrs per pay to losing 15 hrs in a matter of a half hour. This wasn't in the plan.
I left the meeting in shock. In shock over my decision to get my weekends back, in shock over what I felt was an injustice done to not only myself and all of the heart I poured into the person I supported's life, but also the injustice done to them. Their other main worker is going on mat leave in a few months thus leaving her with no more advocates (well I'm assuming the future a bit).
I can honestly say I don't give a rip about the hours which at this point will calculate into a much smaller pay cheque, but a bitterness is developing surrounding the agency I am at.
Now as I say this I am well aware I need to nip it in the bud. I am well aware that all agencies are similar in their approach to how the operation works. I am well aware that numbers trump people more often than anyone wants.
That doesn't change the grief I feel over it one bit.
One of my co worker friends who I greatly respect told me Sunday night how much I needed to quit because I was so depressed/disappointed with my work. Or, she suggested go down to 25 hrs a week ...
After I thought on it a bit I decided that perhaps what was happening was all happening to free me up. To let the best things come. To encourage me to stop having to control every twist and turn of my life.
Part of the reason I held onto the Sunday shift was because I was thinking ahead to after we have kids and what would work best. Really I was worrying and solving problems that didn't even exist yet. In doing so I was creating unnecessary problems and great unhappiness for myself now.
That's crazy!!
I now have a much greater sense of freedom to experiment and explore what might be around the corner for me next.
I have known since last June this is what I should be doing but could never bring myself to do it. Well, here I am. Unplanned and unexpected but very present are infinite possibilities...
For the first time ever I am going to consciously try to NOT achieve anything except letting the good stuff find me.
Hopefully it will be exciting to see what opens up ...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Being 'Home'
I guess I'm home. At least that's what everyone is assuming.
When I decided to address the long lost dream I had to visit a different culture and observe an organization in action giving in some way to people in need of love (who isn't?) I had know idea what I was in for.
By this I don't mean the shock of a completely different country, language, customs, even food. When we were in Thailand I honestly wasn't shocked by much. As I've mentioned before I think I was ripe for the picking - whatever that means...
As I've been talking to people in person, via e-mail and on the phone, everyone starts out by passionately asking 'What was it like?!' I know that my incredibly excited attitude before the trip has much to do with it. The other part though is wanting to know what things were like.
Just today I was talking to someone and I got asked these questions. They wanted to know what was the biggest event? Did I get attached to any special child? What did it feel like to amongst such filth at the dump or see the begging children? Did it feel weird coming home to a nice house and things?
Comments like 'You just feel so bad for the people there', 'Poor people', 'You wish they had what we did', 'It's so sad' and on and on I could go.
Just before leaving Thailand I expressed many times how I didn't know how to go back ... to Canada. To North American culture that believes their way is the right way.
Don't get me wrong I have a greater appreciation than ever for the beautiful land I get to live in, the clean air, free health care, and more than I could ever need.
... except for one thing: perspective.
Just to make it clear I'm not saying we need to all go move to Thailand to gain perspective, that's ridiculous.
In fact contrary to the person I was conversing with today I DON'T think everyone in North America should necessarily go on a trip like this. (I'm not against it but I don't think it's a requirement in finding a great amount of perspective). In fact I kind of find it offensive (but I know I can't be that overly sensitive) that people think we went to do anything, or get a dramatic transformation.
I actually have pursued a dull, even keeled, realistic experience rather than the ever sought after mountain top conversation to simplicity.
I just wanted to see, learn and do right. That's all. (No, this doesn't make me better than anyone else).
I purposefully didn't connect on some deep level with any children or babies (although I admittedly conjured up some favourites).
I was there for a week!!!!!
How healthy would it be for either myself or the children for me to come in heart wide open ready to gobble up their love, only to give them nothing back in return but a 'That was great but I gotta go back to my abundantly great country and go on with my life now - later!'
I'm not saying that one shouldn't give of themselves and enjoy receiving some great time with the kids/babies, I just think if you are only ever planning on visiting once in your life you'd better be mindful of what you are doing, at least to some degree.
I have to say one of the challenges, for me, of only going for a week or so is that I'm an observer. Especially at the initiation point of any relationship. (Once that's over watch out!!).
When I did my placements at school one of the negative comments I got was my lack of immediate involvement. I did well after a few weeks but initially I stood back and assessed. Once I gained confidence everything was great, but apparently waiting to get that was a flaw.
At first I had a hard time with this character point. I got down on myself and felt bad. Now I see it as just a part of who I am and know that through this quality of observation I gained a wee bit of wisdom on how to deal with someone because I wanted to know them before trying to establish any sort of relationship with expectations on them.
Where am I going with this?
We were there a week. I had a week of observing and mild interactions. Ones that I savoured every moment of. Ones that now feel were a bit of a tease because I want more.
I went to Thailand to fulfill a dream. Not to discover a new one. But I did and this hurts right now.
Needless to say I'm finding it a great challenge to be 'home'. Not because of the nice house and things ....
What's the old saying? 'Home is where the heart is'
My heart is in Thailand.
Can someone mail it back please?
When I decided to address the long lost dream I had to visit a different culture and observe an organization in action giving in some way to people in need of love (who isn't?) I had know idea what I was in for.
By this I don't mean the shock of a completely different country, language, customs, even food. When we were in Thailand I honestly wasn't shocked by much. As I've mentioned before I think I was ripe for the picking - whatever that means...
As I've been talking to people in person, via e-mail and on the phone, everyone starts out by passionately asking 'What was it like?!' I know that my incredibly excited attitude before the trip has much to do with it. The other part though is wanting to know what things were like.
Just today I was talking to someone and I got asked these questions. They wanted to know what was the biggest event? Did I get attached to any special child? What did it feel like to amongst such filth at the dump or see the begging children? Did it feel weird coming home to a nice house and things?
Comments like 'You just feel so bad for the people there', 'Poor people', 'You wish they had what we did', 'It's so sad' and on and on I could go.
Just before leaving Thailand I expressed many times how I didn't know how to go back ... to Canada. To North American culture that believes their way is the right way.
Don't get me wrong I have a greater appreciation than ever for the beautiful land I get to live in, the clean air, free health care, and more than I could ever need.
... except for one thing: perspective.
Just to make it clear I'm not saying we need to all go move to Thailand to gain perspective, that's ridiculous.
In fact contrary to the person I was conversing with today I DON'T think everyone in North America should necessarily go on a trip like this. (I'm not against it but I don't think it's a requirement in finding a great amount of perspective). In fact I kind of find it offensive (but I know I can't be that overly sensitive) that people think we went to do anything, or get a dramatic transformation.
I actually have pursued a dull, even keeled, realistic experience rather than the ever sought after mountain top conversation to simplicity.
I just wanted to see, learn and do right. That's all. (No, this doesn't make me better than anyone else).
I purposefully didn't connect on some deep level with any children or babies (although I admittedly conjured up some favourites).
I was there for a week!!!!!
How healthy would it be for either myself or the children for me to come in heart wide open ready to gobble up their love, only to give them nothing back in return but a 'That was great but I gotta go back to my abundantly great country and go on with my life now - later!'
I'm not saying that one shouldn't give of themselves and enjoy receiving some great time with the kids/babies, I just think if you are only ever planning on visiting once in your life you'd better be mindful of what you are doing, at least to some degree.
I have to say one of the challenges, for me, of only going for a week or so is that I'm an observer. Especially at the initiation point of any relationship. (Once that's over watch out!!).
When I did my placements at school one of the negative comments I got was my lack of immediate involvement. I did well after a few weeks but initially I stood back and assessed. Once I gained confidence everything was great, but apparently waiting to get that was a flaw.
At first I had a hard time with this character point. I got down on myself and felt bad. Now I see it as just a part of who I am and know that through this quality of observation I gained a wee bit of wisdom on how to deal with someone because I wanted to know them before trying to establish any sort of relationship with expectations on them.
Where am I going with this?
We were there a week. I had a week of observing and mild interactions. Ones that I savoured every moment of. Ones that now feel were a bit of a tease because I want more.
I went to Thailand to fulfill a dream. Not to discover a new one. But I did and this hurts right now.
Needless to say I'm finding it a great challenge to be 'home'. Not because of the nice house and things ....
What's the old saying? 'Home is where the heart is'
My heart is in Thailand.
Can someone mail it back please?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
How we got to where we were going...
I guesss it's time to share a bit more about our trip. THe beginning seems to be a great place to start.
Wally and I left our home around 3pm in the afternoon on the Friday before our flight. We decided since no one was knocking down our door with offers to take us to the airport we'd go early, sty at a hotel for the night, leave the car parked for the 2 weeks and get shuttled to the airport, giving us a few extra and needed hours of sleep.
We were very nervous about the shuttle being on time and everything working out, but it did and we were glad to be on the plane and off to Hong Kong.
Our first flight start to finish was apporx. 16 hrs. We actually did well on it. Other than feeling the normal grossness of long travel it was good. However I have to express how not so great it was to be flying with a serious sinus cold. Yikes!!! That was sooooooo incredibly painful upon descent - in fact I don't think I've ever eperienced such pain in my head before. Fortunately that was the worst of it and I didn't experience anything as bad as our first flight.
Our layover was only an hour and a bit after going through another security check and such then we were on our shorter 3 hr flight (which I must add felt like nothing in comparison).
Wally and I were comparing going to THailand as opposed to coming home and we agreed that there must be an adrenaline rush or something on your way somewhere beause the way home seemed torturously long and that was after we broke it us a lot mure!
Anyways, we must have been feeling pretty good because once we got off of the plane in Bangkok we knew the 'fun' would begin. We would then be completely responsible for getting from point A to point B with a language barrier between us.
We took a few moments to get ourselves figured out in the airport and discussed if we'd go with the original plan of staying at a guesthouse there in Bangkok for the night and fly out to Mae Sot in the morning or just suck it up and take the night bus and do the 8 hr trek through the night.
Shockingly we both agreed to take the night bus experience and get our travels all over in one shot.
So we threw our plan to the wind (I honestly can't believe we agreed together to do this!)and decided to get a cab to the Mo Chit bus station (pronounced Mo Shit - nice).
Unfortunately at the time of throwing plans to the wind we learned later that we threw a couple of notes of advice while using taxi services to the wind too.
We were directed by our friends to go to the lady at the counter to ensure a trustworthy ride.
We missed that. Oops.
But we were superexcited to find a cab so quickly- I mean they came right up to us, how great is that?! (Clearly we were virgin International travellers).
A lightbulb should've went off when along with our driver was his spindly, charming, conversation attempting side kick who learned all of our dirt on travelling. He made us feel so cared for. He was good. We were stupid.
We hop into the car and feel confident the driver knows where he's going.
Ok confident might be a strech. We hoped beyond all hopes he knew where he was going. We were startled by the traffic, the speed, tha lack of seat belts in the car and by the very broken English Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb had.
They conversed in I'm guessing Thai - who knows. This made me nervous. Were they plotting our abduction? Were they planning our death? Did they know where they were going? Or were they figuring out how to take us for all we were worth?
We would soon learn that the last one was their goal. What can I say, we were easy targets.
Our friends had prepared us with the cost of what the cab would be. Around 350 Baht. Not a bad price. They warned us about toll fees and all of that business. We felt good knowing what to expect. I had made sure to ask for a metered cab and was confident I'd passed the test, except for one thing .... I noticed that the meter wasn't changing. Hmmmmm does it usually change in front of us? How should I know, I have been in 2 cabs ever and they were in Quebec and I was with someone who knew what they were doing. Maybe this was different. I had a sinking feeling though and wished this one time I hadnt' kept my mouth shut.
After 20 - 30 minutes driving down the highway and a few toll booths. They finally reached what appeared to be my favourite bus station. Appeared to be. THere were people, there were buses, why should I wonder?
They parked to the side of a very busy street and said we were here. Then they asked for 2500 Baht. For those of you who don't know 350 B is around $12 Canadian, 2500 B is somewhere around $80 Canadian. Ummmmmm .... a wee bit of a difference.
I immediately said no. I told them that was ridiculously high and we knew how much we should have paid. They had our taxi virginity and knew we were foreign and unstable in our confidence. I continued to argue and bartar with them only moving down to 2000 B. Wally inerjected and tried his best to be the stern voice of reason but they had us. It was two charging taxi types against two people who hadn't the foresight to remember their instructions. We were getting nowhere in our arguments but heated and I have to say it was beginning to make me nervous (even though I continued insisting they were crazy!).
AFter a few minutes we gave them the 2000 B (NEVER would I do that again!!) if for nothign else to get our luggage back. They popped the truck and shooed us away. They didn't get out of the car to help or anything - I'd later learn that was a clear sign they were dirty dealers 9among a thousand other signs).
We barely missed getting hit by several speeding forms of transportation, seeing as we were litterally dropped off on the side of a highway.
We stumbled into the bus station relieved to be done with cabs for a while and at least where we needed to be. That is until I went up to the counter ...
I asked for 2 tickets to Mae Sot.
To which the well dressed counter lady looked at me with confusion and said 'Mo Chit - 2 kilometers'.
WHAT?!
I don't know which station we were at but it clearly wasn't Mo Chit.
Wally and I were tired and frustrated and terrified to get into another cab but we definitely couldn't stay at this tiny little station for the night that was nearly entirely outside with people everywhere.
We took a deep breath and went over to the cab overseer and said Mo Chit (as properly as we could). I made sure to find out ahead this time how much. 100 B, deal. I felt a wee bit better but still suspiscious of our driver. He was young, calm and not a talker. He did seem rather gentle though and just there to do his job. And he clearly was.
After a good 15-20 minute slow drive through snail moving traffic we understood why the other guy didn't want to waste his time on us. Once we got there I noticed the meter was only at 51 B. I didn't care one bit, it was the best 100 B we'd ever spent because the drived hopped out of hte cab, got our bags and was beyond courteous (ok maybe he was just doing his job but all those qualities jumped out at me since we had yet to see them in a cabby).
AFter having to stop for directions to the right counter we found it and I once again asked for '2 tickets to Mae Sot on the night bus'. The lady said 11:30pm which was actually a couple hrs past what we were told. After already not following the rules given for our protection I was a little hesitant but it was that or stay the night at the station or another cab ride to a guest house. We took a risk on the bus.
We purchased the last 2 tickets there were for the last bus going and finally felt like we may be getting somewhere. We made a trip to Thailand's favourite variety store, 7/11, and sat with our 3 shared chocolate bars to snack on (their chocolate bars are a third of the size of ours, we needed to compensate, no need to experience anymore culture shock).
Tehn it was time to use the bathroom ....
Wally was the first daring participant. AFter a minute or so he came back and said 'I need some money'.
I looked at him appauled. 'Why on earth do you need money to go to the bathroom?'
'It costs 3 B' he declares.
After an inappropriate conversation with myself over the issue in my head we found 3 B and off he went.
Then it was my turn. I took 3 B from Wally's famous money belt and off I went.
I paid my toll, went through the little thingamajig that you sometimes go through at a grocery store or the fair to let you in ... don't know if it has a name, and I went past the money ladies (who incidentally have their money set up on a little card table in front so there's no sneeking in).
I got into the toilet and realized there was no toilet paper. Geez.
Luckily I noticed before going because after that many hours of travel one needs all the help they can get in feeling clean and drip drying was not an option for me. I left the stall and asked someone about toilet paper and the lady sweetly smiled and pointed to the money ladies 'You buy' she said with pride over helping a completely lost foreigner.
I left to tell Wally and then realized he bought me a bunch of Kleenex for my very full sinus cavity and snuck back into the bathroom without the ladies noticing I'd escaped.
That crisis was averted.
We got comfortalbe on the cement floor of the indoor/outdoor bus station, joined by hundreds of others, mostly families on their way back to nowhere, where they lived.
We watched a cute little girl learning to walk with squeky shoes, two stray dogs meandering around the indoor part of the station and a little Thai Much Music.
As time went by we moved into the waiting area and watched the buses like hawks. Wally eased my fears everytime we saw our possible bus and asked to be sure if this was ours. After 2 we hadn't hit the jackpot. Finally third time was a charm. Even though the bud clearly stated it was going somewhere that wasn't Mae Sot and it was parked one terminal off from where it should have been it apparently was ours.
It was good Wally asked because it was nearly full and about to leave. When we took up our luggage there was no more room in the luggage compartment, which was interesting since no one had luggage only shopping purchases. For a few moments it seemed as though they may not take us due to our two suitcases. We were willing to do anything to get on that bus so when the driver ssaid we'd have to put the bags where our feet would go we didn't blink an eye.
We crawled up the double decker VIP bus which meant it was air conditioned and had large seats and under normal circumstances would have been comfortable. Not so much when your knees are resting behind your ears.
We didn't really care though because we were on a bus that would hopefully take us to where we were heading. We wouldn't be convinced until we arrived.
We both were able to get a couple of hours of sleep during the 8 hour voyage. I only had a couple of fits of coughing and a few nose blowing issues.
As we ventured through there was one stop when the driver got out, one military stop that ended in the family of three beside us being taken off (apparently they were Burmese and would be taken in and possibly sent back to Burma - not good).
We weaved through the mountains again and again, that's when it really hit me that we were indeed across the world from home. I momentarily wondered what the heck we were doing and if I was crazy.
I decided yes I was but that it would be ok.
When we finally arrived at the bus station in Mae Sot we got off and were by a wall of hot humid air.
We immediately decided to use the washroom. Wally first then me. I was proud we knew the system by now and had our 3 B ready (and my Kleenex).
What I wasn't ready for was what would later be described to me as a 'Squatty Pttty'. I was never warned about this.
As I looked at the unfamiliar invention I surveyed the possible procedure. Hmmmm ... did I have to got badly enough? I had already paid. I looked again all about it and noticed the ladel and water.
I couldn't do it. Not without a lengthy mental build up. I closed the door on the possiblitiy altogether and prayed to God that we'd find a way to where ever we were headed soon.
Just to refresh, at this point it's 7:15am and we are now at a point of not knowing what to do. We realize we have no idea how to use the phone and since we'd decided last minute to take the night bus we had no firmed up a pick up time with our hosts. I had spent $58 (I learned later) on an international call to my dad asking him to facebook my friend in Thailand who I hoped would be able to message our hostess in hopes that she would be there at some point ot meet us.
Not exactly a trustworthy, solid plan but we hoped.
I decided to try the phone. THe first try failed. THe second time I got through but got cut off because I should've added money every inute or something. The third try I spit out the remainder of 'we're here, pleasepick us up!' and was cut off again but I prayed she had enough info to go on.
Luckily I heard her say 'I'll be there in a half ....' so I had all the hope I needed to believe we'd be rescued. And around 8 am we met Steph our Compasio staff. (Whom we almost missed but didn't!).
Nothing can explain in words how glad we were to be found by someone we knew (even though we didn't really).
She took us over to a tuk tuk and began speaking what to me sounded like fluent Thai and explained where we needed to go and we hopped into our fourth new form of trasportation in several hours finally enjoying another new experience.
Ahhhhhh... Steph took us to our temporary home that we got to live in for the week and toured us around. She let me use her phone to call my friend A-bag to tell him we were there finally. I enjoyed the shocked sound of his voice and we then made a lunch date (that Wally and I woudl later sleep through).
We were sooooooo glad to be in Thailand with people we knew.
We showered, loving every second and laid down for unconscious sleep for 2 1/2 hrs.
It was divine.
And so ends the beginning of our journeys to Thai Thai.
After a hellish previous week and an interesting and very long journey there we had arrived.
Nothing could've felt better. Nothing.
Wally and I left our home around 3pm in the afternoon on the Friday before our flight. We decided since no one was knocking down our door with offers to take us to the airport we'd go early, sty at a hotel for the night, leave the car parked for the 2 weeks and get shuttled to the airport, giving us a few extra and needed hours of sleep.
We were very nervous about the shuttle being on time and everything working out, but it did and we were glad to be on the plane and off to Hong Kong.
Our first flight start to finish was apporx. 16 hrs. We actually did well on it. Other than feeling the normal grossness of long travel it was good. However I have to express how not so great it was to be flying with a serious sinus cold. Yikes!!! That was sooooooo incredibly painful upon descent - in fact I don't think I've ever eperienced such pain in my head before. Fortunately that was the worst of it and I didn't experience anything as bad as our first flight.
Our layover was only an hour and a bit after going through another security check and such then we were on our shorter 3 hr flight (which I must add felt like nothing in comparison).
Wally and I were comparing going to THailand as opposed to coming home and we agreed that there must be an adrenaline rush or something on your way somewhere beause the way home seemed torturously long and that was after we broke it us a lot mure!
Anyways, we must have been feeling pretty good because once we got off of the plane in Bangkok we knew the 'fun' would begin. We would then be completely responsible for getting from point A to point B with a language barrier between us.
We took a few moments to get ourselves figured out in the airport and discussed if we'd go with the original plan of staying at a guesthouse there in Bangkok for the night and fly out to Mae Sot in the morning or just suck it up and take the night bus and do the 8 hr trek through the night.
Shockingly we both agreed to take the night bus experience and get our travels all over in one shot.
So we threw our plan to the wind (I honestly can't believe we agreed together to do this!)and decided to get a cab to the Mo Chit bus station (pronounced Mo Shit - nice).
Unfortunately at the time of throwing plans to the wind we learned later that we threw a couple of notes of advice while using taxi services to the wind too.
We were directed by our friends to go to the lady at the counter to ensure a trustworthy ride.
We missed that. Oops.
But we were superexcited to find a cab so quickly- I mean they came right up to us, how great is that?! (Clearly we were virgin International travellers).
A lightbulb should've went off when along with our driver was his spindly, charming, conversation attempting side kick who learned all of our dirt on travelling. He made us feel so cared for. He was good. We were stupid.
We hop into the car and feel confident the driver knows where he's going.
Ok confident might be a strech. We hoped beyond all hopes he knew where he was going. We were startled by the traffic, the speed, tha lack of seat belts in the car and by the very broken English Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb had.
They conversed in I'm guessing Thai - who knows. This made me nervous. Were they plotting our abduction? Were they planning our death? Did they know where they were going? Or were they figuring out how to take us for all we were worth?
We would soon learn that the last one was their goal. What can I say, we were easy targets.
Our friends had prepared us with the cost of what the cab would be. Around 350 Baht. Not a bad price. They warned us about toll fees and all of that business. We felt good knowing what to expect. I had made sure to ask for a metered cab and was confident I'd passed the test, except for one thing .... I noticed that the meter wasn't changing. Hmmmmm does it usually change in front of us? How should I know, I have been in 2 cabs ever and they were in Quebec and I was with someone who knew what they were doing. Maybe this was different. I had a sinking feeling though and wished this one time I hadnt' kept my mouth shut.
After 20 - 30 minutes driving down the highway and a few toll booths. They finally reached what appeared to be my favourite bus station. Appeared to be. THere were people, there were buses, why should I wonder?
They parked to the side of a very busy street and said we were here. Then they asked for 2500 Baht. For those of you who don't know 350 B is around $12 Canadian, 2500 B is somewhere around $80 Canadian. Ummmmmm .... a wee bit of a difference.
I immediately said no. I told them that was ridiculously high and we knew how much we should have paid. They had our taxi virginity and knew we were foreign and unstable in our confidence. I continued to argue and bartar with them only moving down to 2000 B. Wally inerjected and tried his best to be the stern voice of reason but they had us. It was two charging taxi types against two people who hadn't the foresight to remember their instructions. We were getting nowhere in our arguments but heated and I have to say it was beginning to make me nervous (even though I continued insisting they were crazy!).
AFter a few minutes we gave them the 2000 B (NEVER would I do that again!!) if for nothign else to get our luggage back. They popped the truck and shooed us away. They didn't get out of the car to help or anything - I'd later learn that was a clear sign they were dirty dealers 9among a thousand other signs).
We barely missed getting hit by several speeding forms of transportation, seeing as we were litterally dropped off on the side of a highway.
We stumbled into the bus station relieved to be done with cabs for a while and at least where we needed to be. That is until I went up to the counter ...
I asked for 2 tickets to Mae Sot.
To which the well dressed counter lady looked at me with confusion and said 'Mo Chit - 2 kilometers'.
WHAT?!
I don't know which station we were at but it clearly wasn't Mo Chit.
Wally and I were tired and frustrated and terrified to get into another cab but we definitely couldn't stay at this tiny little station for the night that was nearly entirely outside with people everywhere.
We took a deep breath and went over to the cab overseer and said Mo Chit (as properly as we could). I made sure to find out ahead this time how much. 100 B, deal. I felt a wee bit better but still suspiscious of our driver. He was young, calm and not a talker. He did seem rather gentle though and just there to do his job. And he clearly was.
After a good 15-20 minute slow drive through snail moving traffic we understood why the other guy didn't want to waste his time on us. Once we got there I noticed the meter was only at 51 B. I didn't care one bit, it was the best 100 B we'd ever spent because the drived hopped out of hte cab, got our bags and was beyond courteous (ok maybe he was just doing his job but all those qualities jumped out at me since we had yet to see them in a cabby).
AFter having to stop for directions to the right counter we found it and I once again asked for '2 tickets to Mae Sot on the night bus'. The lady said 11:30pm which was actually a couple hrs past what we were told. After already not following the rules given for our protection I was a little hesitant but it was that or stay the night at the station or another cab ride to a guest house. We took a risk on the bus.
We purchased the last 2 tickets there were for the last bus going and finally felt like we may be getting somewhere. We made a trip to Thailand's favourite variety store, 7/11, and sat with our 3 shared chocolate bars to snack on (their chocolate bars are a third of the size of ours, we needed to compensate, no need to experience anymore culture shock).
Tehn it was time to use the bathroom ....
Wally was the first daring participant. AFter a minute or so he came back and said 'I need some money'.
I looked at him appauled. 'Why on earth do you need money to go to the bathroom?'
'It costs 3 B' he declares.
After an inappropriate conversation with myself over the issue in my head we found 3 B and off he went.
Then it was my turn. I took 3 B from Wally's famous money belt and off I went.
I paid my toll, went through the little thingamajig that you sometimes go through at a grocery store or the fair to let you in ... don't know if it has a name, and I went past the money ladies (who incidentally have their money set up on a little card table in front so there's no sneeking in).
I got into the toilet and realized there was no toilet paper. Geez.
Luckily I noticed before going because after that many hours of travel one needs all the help they can get in feeling clean and drip drying was not an option for me. I left the stall and asked someone about toilet paper and the lady sweetly smiled and pointed to the money ladies 'You buy' she said with pride over helping a completely lost foreigner.
I left to tell Wally and then realized he bought me a bunch of Kleenex for my very full sinus cavity and snuck back into the bathroom without the ladies noticing I'd escaped.
That crisis was averted.
We got comfortalbe on the cement floor of the indoor/outdoor bus station, joined by hundreds of others, mostly families on their way back to nowhere, where they lived.
We watched a cute little girl learning to walk with squeky shoes, two stray dogs meandering around the indoor part of the station and a little Thai Much Music.
As time went by we moved into the waiting area and watched the buses like hawks. Wally eased my fears everytime we saw our possible bus and asked to be sure if this was ours. After 2 we hadn't hit the jackpot. Finally third time was a charm. Even though the bud clearly stated it was going somewhere that wasn't Mae Sot and it was parked one terminal off from where it should have been it apparently was ours.
It was good Wally asked because it was nearly full and about to leave. When we took up our luggage there was no more room in the luggage compartment, which was interesting since no one had luggage only shopping purchases. For a few moments it seemed as though they may not take us due to our two suitcases. We were willing to do anything to get on that bus so when the driver ssaid we'd have to put the bags where our feet would go we didn't blink an eye.
We crawled up the double decker VIP bus which meant it was air conditioned and had large seats and under normal circumstances would have been comfortable. Not so much when your knees are resting behind your ears.
We didn't really care though because we were on a bus that would hopefully take us to where we were heading. We wouldn't be convinced until we arrived.
We both were able to get a couple of hours of sleep during the 8 hour voyage. I only had a couple of fits of coughing and a few nose blowing issues.
As we ventured through there was one stop when the driver got out, one military stop that ended in the family of three beside us being taken off (apparently they were Burmese and would be taken in and possibly sent back to Burma - not good).
We weaved through the mountains again and again, that's when it really hit me that we were indeed across the world from home. I momentarily wondered what the heck we were doing and if I was crazy.
I decided yes I was but that it would be ok.
When we finally arrived at the bus station in Mae Sot we got off and were by a wall of hot humid air.
We immediately decided to use the washroom. Wally first then me. I was proud we knew the system by now and had our 3 B ready (and my Kleenex).
What I wasn't ready for was what would later be described to me as a 'Squatty Pttty'. I was never warned about this.
As I looked at the unfamiliar invention I surveyed the possible procedure. Hmmmm ... did I have to got badly enough? I had already paid. I looked again all about it and noticed the ladel and water.
I couldn't do it. Not without a lengthy mental build up. I closed the door on the possiblitiy altogether and prayed to God that we'd find a way to where ever we were headed soon.
Just to refresh, at this point it's 7:15am and we are now at a point of not knowing what to do. We realize we have no idea how to use the phone and since we'd decided last minute to take the night bus we had no firmed up a pick up time with our hosts. I had spent $58 (I learned later) on an international call to my dad asking him to facebook my friend in Thailand who I hoped would be able to message our hostess in hopes that she would be there at some point ot meet us.
Not exactly a trustworthy, solid plan but we hoped.
I decided to try the phone. THe first try failed. THe second time I got through but got cut off because I should've added money every inute or something. The third try I spit out the remainder of 'we're here, pleasepick us up!' and was cut off again but I prayed she had enough info to go on.
Luckily I heard her say 'I'll be there in a half ....' so I had all the hope I needed to believe we'd be rescued. And around 8 am we met Steph our Compasio staff. (Whom we almost missed but didn't!).
Nothing can explain in words how glad we were to be found by someone we knew (even though we didn't really).
She took us over to a tuk tuk and began speaking what to me sounded like fluent Thai and explained where we needed to go and we hopped into our fourth new form of trasportation in several hours finally enjoying another new experience.
Ahhhhhh... Steph took us to our temporary home that we got to live in for the week and toured us around. She let me use her phone to call my friend A-bag to tell him we were there finally. I enjoyed the shocked sound of his voice and we then made a lunch date (that Wally and I woudl later sleep through).
We were sooooooo glad to be in Thailand with people we knew.
We showered, loving every second and laid down for unconscious sleep for 2 1/2 hrs.
It was divine.
And so ends the beginning of our journeys to Thai Thai.
After a hellish previous week and an interesting and very long journey there we had arrived.
Nothing could've felt better. Nothing.
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