'Clean' baking

Today I spent much of my time avoiding the phone (I got two calls from work within an hour of eachother, and since have ignore the phone ringing three times as we don't have call display).


When I wasn't avoiding the phone I was in the kitchen. Today I decided I would tackle re-organizing my new pantry supplies on a shoestring (actually non existent budget, as all of the shoe string got tied up in the supplies).

For those of you who don't know I am an avid collector of recipe books, only one of which is 'clean'. So I did some shuffling around of the stuff on our shelves in our dining area off of the kitchen and put many of my old faithfuls in an inconvenient spot. Not that it would matter, I don't remember the last time I cooked with a recipe ... or even cooked.

I then had a zillion bags of goodies from the local bulk store to find homes for. At first I thought I was going to have to go and buy containers but then I had a fantastic idea! When we moved from our house I (for some silly reason) kept two boxes of mason and jam jars that I used to use to can and jam with. I scurried through my closets and found the right amount of jars (with plenty left over might I add), washed them up and filled them with all of the different nuts, seeds, dried fruit, and cereals (oat, wheat, natural, who knew there were so many?!). They actually looked very pretty on my shelves.

I also went through my cupboards and organized my new kinds of sugar (liquid and powder), other flakes and flours and ended up feeling like I had a new kitchen! Although I was tired out and I hadn't even started the cooking I'd planned on.

I took a little break, had my second meal of the day (around 10 am) and gave my first try at making 'clean' granola. It went pretty well. I over cooked some of it that was around the edges but over all it wasn't too difficult at all and it takes alright. Definitely not the sweet kind I remember as a kid but full of dried fruits, nuts and seeds. I'm eager to try it with yogurt.

Next I decided to give a protein bar recipe a try (my first of 3). It contained almond butter (along with seeds and nuts and such as well). As I reread the recipe several times and checked on it after the designated amount of time, I noticed that it didn't 'set'. No fear, I thought, I would just put it in the freezer. Sure enough, after an hour it was all firmed up. I cut it into the proper number of bars, cut one in half and had it as the first half of my fourth meal of the day. It was actually not bad. Almost kind of rich. Almost. I packaged up the other 8 bars that would be meal substitutes as they held around 400 calories a piece, but good calories remember.

My final try at baking today were Morning Glory Muffins. Again, they were about the same amount of work as any other muffin made from scratch. I think I ended up putting in too much carrot as the batter was not as present as all of the other ingredients, and once again my picture didn't exactly match. I'll have to try one tomorrow for a snack.

In the middle of all of my baking trials I baked up two batches of chicken breasts for lunches as we were getting low. We always buy chicken breasts on sale for half price then bake and slice them up and put them in pre-portioned little ziploc bags and put them in the freezer. That way you can grab and go. Add them to a wrap, a salad or just eat them as is.

I also decided to hard boil some eggs as it's been forever since Wally and I have eaten them and it's such a great portable option.

Now tonight I plan on making us our first meal out of the cook book I think it's called chicken pic-something. I believe it's Mexican and not too difficult. I used to have a garlic press around here but can I find it? Seems to be an essential item for cooking from scratch. I always cheated and put in garlic powder, not anymore.

The any other item I want to do tonight in cut up some pitas I had in the freezer and bake them (with some EVOO and garlic sea salt mmmmmm). Then I have then ready for hummus or salsa.

Wow my productivity is almost annoying.

I think someone asked about the name of the book ... it's called 'The Eat Clean Cookbook' by Tosca Reno. I also purchased the newly revised 'Eat Clean Diet - Recharged' by her as well. Though it has the word diet it is not pushed as a 'diet' per se. More of changing ones diet permanently. I would love to eventually get the original 'Eat Clean Diet' as it has many more recipes.

The book I just bought (the second one mentioned of the three) has a lot of interesting information in it teaching you about nutrition. Not on how to cheat the system to lose weight. I've also been doing a lot of reading just to learn more about how my body works. Why sugar is so bad, and what my body does with protein, or what happens when I eat a late night snack. I feel like by learning how my body actually works I understand more how to make it feel better and I want to make it feel better.

I've been thinking lately about starting a health and fitness blog (I know the world definitely needs another blog). I like the idea of having a place where I can share what I'm learning in this area of my life AND keep accountable and learn from others too. However I also don't want to get all willy nilly with my writing either. I just know that there are so many little things I've learned in the past few months, so many myths dispelled, so many truths revealed. From what goes into my body, to what goes on with my body, to what my mind and emotions are going through. I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with fitness and self image issues. I believe I am in the process of changing my life (very slowly, with many setbacks but I am) and if I can change my life, I know anyone can. Hmmmm ...something else to think about I guess.

If you have thoughts on this please share. Is this something I should try or do you hear enough about this stuff?

I also had a thought on maybe trying to get a group together of people who are interested in 'eating clean' and just hang out once a month and eat a meal together of all 'clean' food. Each person would cook a different course and share their recipe with others. I find that for me trying this is SOOOOOOOOO out of my element. I've tried things in the past that just seemed impossible, but then I see people with food in tolerances and I think 'If I HAD to change I would, so what's stopping me now?' I think it would be far easier to try new things along with others. I don't know, maybe it's another possibility.

Well I've been lovin' the time to think and try out my new venture.

Hope you do too!

Vacation - ing and more change

So clearly I haven't decided to give the blog up ... at least not right now. As I first suspected, I do believe that I over reacted. I am now working on a couple of apologies. Not for my feelings experienced in my reaction (I don't know that anyone should ever have to apologize for their feelings about anything), but rather the free way in which I spewed them out in a couple of e-mails after the hurt I felt (that by the way I know wasn't an intended hurt by anyone).

I know that I should've waited to respond to a couple of harmless questions but you know, I didn't, and well I knew as I typed that I'd likely calm down eventually and be able to rationally answer. Unfortunately I decided to rationally yet very passionately respond with exactly how I felt in that moment. I could've waited and responded without emotion. I probably should have waited and responded without emotion but I didn't and now I have to set things right.

I seem to get lots of practice apologizing as I generally speak first and think later. I don't generally apologize for what I say but more how it comes out. Life is a great teacher.

I don't know about you but I'm ready to move on...

Soooooo .... it's my vacation!!!!

The first thing I decided to do was get 'unplugged'. I knew this would be a huge challenge but decided that I wanted the most out of my time off as I could get. Clearly I am cheating a wee bit as I am blogging throughout my holiday but that's about it. I am completely off of facebook (however today's my bro's b-day and I may just need to send him a birthday wish as he asked not to be called - he's a truck driver on the road). I am going no where near my work e-mail (WOO FRIGGIN' HOO!!!!). Wally checks my e-mail account simply to let me know if any friends have contacted me about any outings. It's amazing how just hearing from him and NOT going on myself lowers the stress - it's great!!! Oh and I also turned my answering machine off - best thing ever.

So this blog is the only thing connecting me to the outside world (well, or if I look up a recipe online or something).

I actually told Wally that I was thinking about giving up going on facebook regularly but it's kinda hard as it is such a connection with friends like making plans and stuff. I find too that I'm not sure I could be on and just check mail, it get's so addicting and time consuming it's kind of ridiculous. And of course if anyone knows me on facebook, they would know I LOVE updating my status'.

I can definitely say after a weekend without internet or phone messages, I feel on vacation. My stresses are diminished, I don't have to worry about getting back to anyone or anyone 'finding' me, I love it! If only I could get rid of all of it on a regular basis, however I believe I would then be called a recluse.

In other developments ...

Last Monday I was working out with Dee and having some discussion with him about eating and I was asking more questions. I then I was complaining that my menu choices weren't enough. After spending the last 3 1/2 months eating egg whites, chicken breasts, spinach and raw veggies (and more recently choking down turkey pepperettes, which I can barely stand, and melba toast, which is a highlight compared to the turkey thingies), I didn't really believe I could make this a lifestyle for, well, life.

I asked 'Do you really think I'm going to feed my kids chicken and spinach for lunch everyday?' 'What am I going to do Dee?'

Of course he asked 'Why not?' and told me about how his daughter was raised with all of these healthy foods and she now chose to eat triscuits over chips and a wrap over pizza, while I sat there giving him a 'yeah right' look of disbelief. Although deep down I knew it was true and he was right.

He immediately took my workout book and wrote a title of a recipe book down and handed it back to me. He said 'Go get this book and try it out'.

I read the title and withheld an embarrassing chuckle.

I looked at him and said 'I think I own that book actually'. Though I've never once tried cooking anything out of it.

He sighed and later during my workout finally replied: 'It's just like you to have the answer sitting right in front of you the whole time'. He shook his head as if he didn't want to believe we were still having these conversations.

As you can guess I went home and read through the recommended recipe book all about eating clean. I got it from an aunt whom I am very close with, for my 30th birthday BECAUSE I was making this new lifestyle change ... yeah I never said I was perfect.

Well I decided that if I were to use this material I had a lot of learning to do. Learning how to cook all new foods and learning how to find at least 65% of the ingredients, which I had never heard of before, listed in the recipes. Really I had a decision to make ... did I want to really try and basically relearn how to cook when I feel like I can barely keep up the simple staples of healthy eating while I'm on the run, or will I just limp through the next several weeks of my training to get some half-assed (ha ha) results and then give it all up when the timer tells me I'm allowed to go back to what I know?

You've gotta know that the old me wants to run like heck towards what I know, which will inevitably land me back to where I started probably within a year; addicted to my cookies and living for my next opportunity to 'cheat'.

I tired of 'cheating'. I'm tired of knowing I could do better and not doing better. I am sick of being bloated after a binge and being envious of those who truly know how to eat clean and do it. I want to be on the 'inside' not on the outside always wishing.

Ironically since Dee recommended this book last Monday I have 'cheated' and struggled more than since before I began this adventure. I sort of loosened up my rules and enjoyed a few extra treats. Too many extra treats. I am pretty sure I know why this is ...

Wally and I talked about it and I have been doing more research into this 'clean eating' thing and decided, just as getting a personal trainer was a sort of last ditch effort to gain fitness, embracing this clean eating thing would be a chance for us to over turn yet another stone in our search for a healthier life. We agreed together to give this new way of life a serious try. Seeing as 80% of results are earned through what you eat Wally was convinced that this was a smart move. How could it hurt?

When I wondered out loud to Wally tonight why I ate so bad during the past 4 days (which incidentally would not even have been considered bad at all compared to how we ate in the past), he stated 'Well since Dee mentioned that book and you started considering changing our cooking permanently you probably started thinking about getting in some 'last time' treats'. I think he's right on.

We made the decision firmly today yet began yesterday our quest to try to find some necessary ingredients to help us eat 'clean'. (By the way, I have been eating VERY well the past three months but it's been more of a strict basic menu plan for weight lose and I haven't made the effort to learn how to live this way permanently).

We spent ... a lot of money ... in the past two days on grocery items we never heard of before this, let alone knew what they were. I thought wheat berries were actual fruit, and coconut butter actual butter. I didn't know there could be so many types of 'flakes' or 'flours'. Or that Kefir was not a grain but a refrigerated product.

I am learning a lot.

I have decided to set yet another goal in my fitness journey. This one less to do with numbers and more to do with actions (that will inevitably help with the numbers).

I plan to do my best (as obviously the world around me still turns the way it always does and I will just have to do my best to move with it) to eat 'clean' until my 31st birthday which is February 18th 2011. At which time I have no doubt I will continue on, and in actuality I have no plans on quitting my clean eating. The reason I want to place the date, and specifically that date, is because I feel that that is a measurable amount of time to see how clean eating could really affect and improve our bodies. And that date is the end of celebrating being 30 years old. What a great way to spend my 30th birthday year (yes I know I'm technically in my 31st year but you know what I mean!). The first half learning how to move and physically push my body and the last half learning how to feed my body.

Getting a trainer was a big step for me. Getting physically fit in the way that I have and am, has also been a big step for me. BUT, changing what I know about what goes into my body (I'm really trying to educate myself about the whys and hows and clean eating), would be .... incredible really.

I love exercising, I always have (I won't lie, dying with Dee is a little different) so that hasn't been that much of a challenge to do, however changing my eating has. I've risen to the first challenge of a fairly strict menu for the current term, but now I'm ready for the next step that will hopefully take me into the rest of my life.

The cool part is that I get to do it with everyone watching.

The uncool part is that I get to do it with everyone watching.

I'm sure I'll have an interesting post or two while doing this. You know, seeing as I was ready to put wheat berries in my yogurt.

We'll just have to see.



P.S. Posts on 'The List' are on their way!

A piece of paper

Yesterday was graduation day. Not mine but Wally's.

Well, sort of mine too.

I technically graduate next week but I think there's something about Wally's graduation that means a lot more than my own (perhaps that view will change next week, who knows?)

Unlike many of our friends Wally and I have always planned on attending our graduations. He had several friends who had already gradated from University or other programs before that didn't feel it necessary to be at this most recent ceremony. And of course some that just didn't want to go.

We have spoken many times throughout the past 3-4 years about this day. when others said how they wouldn't be going just to get a piece of paper we would state: 'Are you kidding? Of course we'll be there! We didn't sell our house and uproot our lives to miss out on on the moment of this day.' Even if it was just a 'piece of paper' it represents so much more to us than that.

With that being said Wally nor I geared ourselves up for pomp and circumstance. We looked forward to pictures with parents and the one of him getting his diploma (or at least I did). I also shared with his friends the other night at a BBQ that I wanted one of us together both in graduation gowns (even though we graduate a week a part). We also looked forward to sharing time with his parents over lunch out.

Now that it is over I can say we got all of those moments. Pictures with proud parents, Wally walking across the stage to get 'scarved' (they don't actually give you your diploma or a hat with strings a hangin'). I got several of him in the rather ugly bright red gown. Snuck a few pictures of Wally and his friends. And one of Wally's friends remembered my request for a picture of us in our grad gowns together and he offered up his extra large gown for me to pose in. I did and was so thankful.

All in all the memories we captured we perfect. Boring ceremony with one minute of elation, lots of flashes of the camera and a great lunch with Wally's parents. His dad made a point to mention how scary it must have been for us to 'step out in faith' and do what we did. We appreciated him noticing and enjoyed our 'parent time'.

Both Wally and I thought it was pretty cool that the programs for graduation were all encompassing holding every graduating program and participant's name in the book. We both made the President's Honour Roll, which really only consisted of an asterisk after each of our names. Have to admit, it seemed like a bit of a rip off for all of that hard work it took but there weren't many asterisks presented so we were proud to have our own.

When I got home from work later that evening we sat in our office/guest room and looked at the diploma together.

It has a bright shiny star shaped sticker of achievement (I wonder what they mean exactly, they seem to be necessary for certificates), a few signatures of people we don't really know or care about and tiny letters on the bottom stating 'President's Honour Roll Recipient'. Yes our diploma is indeed just a piece of paper.

However, I don't think I could ever look at our diplomas and just see diplomas.

Instead I see, flashes of memories throughout the past 4 years and maybe beyond...

I remember sitting in a cafe in Quebec with my cousin 4 years ago almost exactly when she (being the young inexperienced gal she is) proposes Wally and I go back to school. Initially I laughed. Then, for the first time in my life, considered it.

I remember coming home from that trip to Quebec (which by the way, was one of the first huge steps I took out of my 'comfort zone' in my adult life - beware! You take one step and it turns into a huge journey!!) and sitting outside on our back step making the proposal of school to Wally (him going). He thought I was crazy. I backed off a little to give him some time.

I remember being in the basement of our house that summer and pouring over college programs, none of which Wally thought he could do (which now seems hilarious), and trying my darndest to convince him that he could and that I was ready to put our hopes of having a family 'on hold' for three more years.

I remember (with the help of pictures) him getting his acceptance letter in the mail. Then his zillion dollar required laptop, then having to send it back because something was wrong with it.

I remember how tough his first semester was for him and how often he wanted to give up and he truly thought we'd made a mistake.

I remember the day he came home telling me of the first friend he made and how much they had in common. Then the day, a few months later, Wally found out his friend's 'other half' named Kerry was a man not a woman, and how we didn't give a rip.

I remember a year after he had applied to college I began to really get the itch to go to school (actually I had the itch the whole time we just thought it was more important for him to go). And how Wally barely batted an eyelash when I brought it up, but instead said 'Why not?' He told me later that in his head he was thinking 'WHAT?! YOU WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TOO?! ARE YOU FREAKIN' CRAZY?!' He hid it very well and I love him for it.

I remember the first day of school driving my Neon an hour in the winter and getting to my first class by trying my best to recount the directions Wally gave me, so nervous too. I'll never forget seeing the clock that said 8:00AM on the dot and seeing a classroom FULL of nervous adults.

I suppose I could go on all day with what I see when I look at our diplomas. It really is so much more to us than a couple of pieces of paper.

Our diplomas represent so much more than our education at a school. They represent, for us, taking our first steps as a couple completely out of our normal life routine to see if there was anything else out there for us.

And finding out there was.

A whole world.

Never underestimate a piece of paper. Whether it's a diploma, a note from a friend, a drawing from a kid, or something with a few numbers scratched on it.

A piece of paper could change your life.

Or ... remind you that you can change it with one little decision, whatever that decision may be.

Stray thoughts

I wonder about it a lot. Worry about it a little sometimes. Dream about it enough.

This morning I was thinking about a newly transitioned friend in my life and what they they accomplished on the weekend. She did a 218km bike ride (in 2 days) to raise money for cancer research. She raised over $3000.00. Yeah, I know, amazing right?

I asked her before hand why she would do this, I was curious as to her motivation. She said she knew too many people touched by the illness, especially a close friend of hers more recently having to battle it.

I pondered a bit about how good life feels right now for Wally and I. Almost like the worst is over. In saying that I know that I am being completely naive. I know that life throws such unexpected curve balls and incredible challenges that always seem to hide behind cotton candy and laughter.

The least expected generally comes ... when you are least expecting it.

I think about what it would (or possibly will) be like to be told you have cancer. I wonder if I'll ever get the call that my husband has been in an accident. I try and put myself in a position of what it will be like when I lose a parent or even a sibling. It's tough stuff.

I'm glad we're generally not programmed to think about these things because what a depressing life it would be. However at the same time it makes me wonder what I should be doing differently now.

Often people get 'bad news' and then have to do a 30 minute makeover on their lives that usually would take 30 years of prompting to build up to.

I'm pretty sure I'd never have gone back to school had I not had to ponder death and life. Facing it close up pushed me to make some big changes a lot faster than I would have otherwise. I often use that as my method for deciding whether or not to do something in life.

I was talking to Wally the other day about people we know that talk about what they'd love to do but never ever do anything. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the work it takes sometimes to do it, or the fear of the unknown. Whatever it is it makes me sad that they don't see what they can do. The existence of their world is a comfy chair and a television. How sad.

I sometimes get overwhelmed at the responsibility I feel that I have to live to the fullest. I'm not saying I'm all that great at doing it but I definitely feel convicted to try.

I remember when I was a teen and in a sort of leadership group. Our leader asked us at a retreat once to write out our eulogy, what we wanted others to say about us. Though a bit morbid, it was a great exercise to help you see what you wanted to be known for versus how you were living. Hopefully you were insightful enough to see the things you may need to change in order to get to where you wanted to be. You also learned that aesthetics didn't count for a whole lot.

I think I may think about these things bit more on my retreat.

Speaking of my retreat, I think I should plan some stuff. Stuff to do maybe, or think about. I'm afraid I'll get bored right away or let the cable catch my attention.

Do any of you have thoughts on what I should do or NOT do while I'm away. ie. no facebook, no e-mail, go for a hike, do yoga, etc. ?

What would you be sure to do if you went away by yourself for a couple of days? If you have already what has worked for you? Help!

I want this experience to be interesting. Maybe even enlightening...

What happened to the 'List'?

I'm workin' on it. I've decided to buckle down and fill you in one some of the things I've completed and look into the others.

Woo Hoo!!

(It's amazing how when you let go of focus you let go of purposing yourself to do something. Hmmmmm ..... food for thought. More like egg white and cottage cheese food, not really chocolate and tequila food. Still food though).

Another Step

It's 8 am and I sit here not wanting to share any more of my 'Journey' of my health goals. I've had to remind myself several times this morning already that writing my blog is for me not to satisfy others.

Most of the time I have no problem being completely honest. For some reason when it comes to admitting my goals and struggles regarding my body I want to completely run full speed away from. I sort of wonder why.

I think there's a few things I worry about...

I worry about making people feel that I think my goals are for every one. But I know they are not. I don't think it's necessary for everyone to strive for what I want at all. I do think it's necessary that each of us goes after whatever we really want and to believe in ourselves. Whatever that may be.

I worry people are going to think that I'm crazy and need to be hospitalized for a mental illness. As we are supposed to 'accept ourselves where we're at' and be happy. I agree that we need to accept ourselves and this is a tough process for me. I think it's a tough process for a lot of people. But it is a process.

Sometimes accepting who you are is accepting who you truly want to be. This is very frustrating for me because I want to be a lot. (This doesn't make me great by the way, I do know that).

I realized the other day that in regards to my health goals I have pretty much reached the initial goals I had when I started out with Dee. I've actually reached beyond my weigh and my health goals.

I told him the other day of this awareness and said 'I could've been done now. If I hadn't set another goal.' I was feeling a little mad at myself. He replied with 'But would you have been satisfied with yourself? Is that the goal you really wanted to achieve?'

I knew once again the answer was 'No'.

Dee wasn't saying my initial goal wasn't good enough at all. He was testing my heart's goals. He knows that deep inside I want to do what I always thought was impossible but now know isn't.

Dee has no problem with Wally's goals, he encourages him and has told me how great Wally's done, he is not pushing Wally to have goals that aren't what Wally wants. He respects what Wally wants out of this, and pushed him towards those things.

And, he respects what I want out of this.

During the lecture Dee gave me the other day about Skinny Chick he reminded me that every one needs to feel comfortable in their skin. Some people at 300 lbs feel completely comfortable at 300 lbs. Then there are some people at 135 lbs that don't and just want to shape up and feel strong. I wanted to tell him to learn more about anorexia but I knew what he was getting at.

I know that I have self image issues to work on in terms of how I see my body. I think right not I'm frustrated with the fact that I have to do so much work and it shows up so much slower than I want it to.

Trusting the process is freakin' hard. And really that what I have to do if I'm going to continue to succeed.

I know that the person I am is not my body. I know that I could get into an accident later today and never be able to walk again, and I know that fact wouldn't define me as a person. Not walking wouldn't make me more or less able to achieve my dreams. I know that achieving anything is in the attitude.

You see, I know I could go back to school and get my degree, I've always been a good student (I'm not sayin' I'd be the top on the list, just that I could do it). It's not something I see as impossible.

There are not many things that I believe are impossible. For me, this goal appears impossible. I think that's why I want to go after it so bad.

To prove to myself, and others, that possibility can by found in the most unbelieving heart.

I think we all have hidden things in our hearts that we truly think are impossible. Things that we really want but are way to scared to admit it. Mine just appears rather shallow.

I bet you have goals buried deep inside that you are scared of. You are scared of the work, scared of the sacrifice, maybe even scared of actually achieving them.

I am just beginning to really realize how deeply this specific goal is rooted inside of me. And more over how much it really has NOTHING to do with my weight, muscle, or appearance.

It has to do with my belief system.

Sometimes I hate being vulnerable and honest. I feel really naked. I feel like I could get made fun of.

But, I learn best from my honesty and have to accept that.

There you have it. Another step in my journey.

Every step counts.

Scratching the itch

Yeah, so I really have nothing exciting to share but I feel the pull to stay connected to my imaginary world out there. I don't know, sometimes random stuff scratches the itch. I do have a more thoughtful post brewing in my mind.

Today I was shadowing (training) with yet another new person. We were out grocery shopping. We went down I think every aisle int he store. Oh. My. Goodness. EVERYTHING looked tasty. The healthy cereal, the sugary cereal, the muffins, the cakes, the muffin mixes looked like a dream from crying out loud. I seriously felt like I was being tortured. It was like re-entering a whole new world of gloriousness.

I decided today that I really am not fond of slightly overripe bananas. One day makes all the difference.

Jeans that I couldn't even wear when I started working out with Dee I finally can say are almost too big for me now.

My heart is actually aching for a couple of work friends right now. I find it odd as I've not known them that long but I sense their sadness (well, I've also heard it too) and I just want to help them carry it and fix it. But I can't and that's frustrating.

I've decided I truly hate being attached to a group e-mail that gets tons of responses with me still attached to it. The other day after reminding several times for people to respond ONLY to who they were speaking to, finally I lost it and begged them to start a new thread. It's one of my biggest pet peeves.

I searched out B&B's last night for the retreat I'm taking in a couple of weeks. I think I've settled on one and am very excited. Part of me can't believe I'm going away by myself for two nights and part of me totally can.

The other day a manager at work commented on my taking a week off, something to the effect of 'wow! Nobody gets to take that kind of time off now a days!' Even though I could have been totally offended I decided in that moment to be so proud of myself.

I sort of wonder why the heck I have a blog. Really. Why?

I can't believe how much 'Letting go' in terms of work has completely changed my mental status, my work ethic (in a good way) and my joy in life all around. It's amazing!!!

I really need to brush my teeth right now.

I realized tonight while training somewhere else that I totally forgot to do some very necessary paperwork yesterday and wanted to kick myself. If I was ten years younger I probably would be worried I'd 'get in trouble', now I have perspective and know that it's not the end of the world.

I love that there are a million working pens on my desk right now. (Even though I'm typing).

I've picked out the B&B I'm hopefully going to based on the fact that I could take my dogs and have now decided I'm not taking them because they have pets that I can love stress free while I'm there. I wish I could just take one of them. Oh well, I don't want the other to commit suicide while I'm away.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy. So soon we forget having the 'Sads'. Thank you for the encouragement that helped me get out of them. Seriously, it helped more than you'll ever know.

Wally and I have just come to the conclusion that our scale is seriously impaired. After several up and down weigh ins (by as much as 8 pounds difference in a day), we've decided we may need a new gauge.

I want to make the world smile but sometimes the world is a tough crowd.

I'm thinking of my friends out there going through stuff. I know there are many different scenarios like critical family illness, grief over big life changes and perhaps just tired sadness. I want you all to know I think of you and I'm sure there are others I don't' know of, but I do care.

If there's anything I CAN do. Drop me a line. Seriously. Do.

Burdens are easier to carry when you have help.